James Acaster: Repertoire 1x2

1. The universe began... with a big bang.

2. But what came before that?

3. This is the question I asked myself every night as a child.

4. And back then, I was a little Christian boy,

5. so the answer always... was God.

6. And I was like...

7. "Cool.

8. God came before that."

9. But what came before that?

10. And I'd be like...

11. "Maybe some sort of egg.

12. Or a seed or a pip, something like that."

13. Or maybe not quite nothing, but nearly nothing,

14. like one notch above darkness and loads of dry ice shifting around,

15. and one long drawn-out note on a synthesizer.

16. Or maybe just like a new smell,

17. like a freshly opened tube of tennis balls.

18. Or maybe what came before that was just papadums.

19. You know, just to tide us over before everything begins.

20. Don't fill up on them, the whole universe is coming.

21. You've had four papadums. Eyes bigger than your belly.

22. You're gonna spoil the whole universe for yourself.

23. Or maybe what came before that was just a little girl.

24. Just a little girl.

25. She's six, or thereabouts.

26. Happy. Right at the start of everything, a happy little six-year-old girl

27. wearing her favorite red dress before anything else even exists.

28. Right at the start of everything, a happy little six-year-old girl

29. wearing her favorite red dress.

30. She's smiling, sitting down next to a toy clown,

31. and they're both playing noughts and crosses on a chalkboard.

32. Or maybe what came before that was... just an audience.

33. Just an audience, just sitting in the dark.

34. Just wondering...

35. "Has it started yet? Is it gonna start in a minute?"

36. Not quite sure when the start is.

37. Maybe as the lights fade up on the stage,

38. they think "Oh, this must be the start." Maybe they start applauding.

39. Just gently at first, and then building it up.

40. And then when the music comes in, they start going wild and crazy...

41. and welcome to the stage James Acaster.

42. Yeah.

43. Let's start off with some celebrity gossip.

44. That's why we're here, that's why we come to the comedy.

45. Now, let's say I happen to know

46. about a month and a half ago, a certain celebrity

47. got himself kicked out of a karaoke bar.

48. Yeah, look at your faces.

49. Who did that, eh? Who did that?

50. This won't surprise you.

51. None other than Jorge Galleguillos.

52. Yeah, you remember Jorge Galleguillos, don't you?

53. You remember Jorge Galleguillos?

54. It's... It's been a while, to be fair.

55. What's it been? Seven years since he got out the mine?

56. About seven years, isn't it, since the Chilean miners?

57. But they are massive celebrities now, you cannot deny that.

58. I got some celebrity gossip about Jorge Galleguillos.

59. I'm not keeping it to myself either.

60. Kicked out of a karaoke bar.

61. Jorge! I mean, I know...

62. Look, you expect it from Florencio Avalos.

63. You don't expect it from Jorge Galleguillos, do you?

64. He's the bad boy of the group, if anyone is.

65. Here's a real scoop, weren't even a karaoke bar.

66. He only thought it was.

67. Weren't, just a normal pub.

68. A normal pub playing really loud music,

69. with a TV in the corner showing the news with the subtitles on.

70. He was singing the details of the Greek financial crisis

71. to the tune of "Livin' on a Prayer."

72. - Classic Jorge Galleguillos.

73. Give you some more celebrity gossip since you're so hungry.

74. I didn't know you were so hungry. Open wide.

75. Heads up, this next celebrity is a bit more obscure.

76. Fair warning.

77. It's Jimmy Sanchez.

78. Most of you won't even remember Jimmy Sanchez.

79. I'll jog your memory. Jimmy Sanchez, he was the 29th miner out of the mine.

80. Jimmy Sanchez, do you remember him now?

81. Of course it was right after Julio Aguilera, wasn't he?

82. Now...

83. when I tell you this bit of gossip,

84. some of you will be like, "Big deal. Why is that even gossip?

85. Who cares?"

86. Others will be like, "That is disgusting and unnatural,

87. and I'm glad you told me."

88. Right? Jimmy Sanchez, he has hot drinks with hot meals.

89. I'm not exaggerating. Like a cup of tea and a bowl of minestrone.

90. They're both fluids, by the way.

91. Alternating mouthfuls back and forth.

92. How does your mouth even know the difference, mate?

93. - What you playing at?

94. That doesn't leave this room, by the way.

95. - Pedro Cortez...

96. You remember him. He was the 11th and 18th miner out the mine.

97. He forgot something, had to go back for it.

98. I think it was a charger. Don't quote me on that,

99. but I believe it was a charger that he left in the mine.

100. Pedro Cortez, he wears days-of-the-week socks,

101. but deliberately wears them on the wrong day,

102. just so his socks don't forget who's in charge.

103. - What a weirdo. That is eccentric.

104. Good to see we got some proper Chilean miners fans in tonight.

105. That doesn't always happen.

106. Hardcore fans, am I right?

107. Since before they got stuck.

108. When it was all about the mining.

109. Anyway, we're not here to gossip, thank you.

110. What I really want to talk to you about tonight is a friend of mine.

111. He, um... He works in a casino.

112. And one day, he was...

113. Uh, it— Is it—? Is dice plural and die singular?

114. Or is die plural?

115. Anyway, he killed two people by mistake.

116. I think they're both dice.

117. I say he's my friend, he's not really my friend.

118. He's not my friend, I'm— I'm on the jury.

119. - I shouldn't say "friend," should I?

120. I shouldn't say "friend," they made that very clear.

121. "Stop calling him your friend."

122. I see him every day. He seems like a nice guy.

123. Jury duty, man. Exciting.

124. I've wanted to do jury duty my whole life.

125. Always felt like in my heart I'm a juror. That's who I am, you know?

126. Always imagined what that letter would say.

127. It all starts with that one letter.

128. I brought it with me tonight.

129. Thought I'd start the show by reading it to you

130. so you can all feel the same level of excitement that I felt.

131. Here it is, the jury letter.

132. "Dear Judge,

133. please pick me to be on the jury at any big trials you've got coming up.

134. Trust me, I've got a head for it. James Acaster."

135. The trial's actually over now.

136. I'm still not meant to be talking about it in any environment, let alone this.

137. This is highly inappropriate, the old...

138. The old "on stage."

139. But I'm a comedian. All I can do is talk about what's going on in my life.

140. Plus it looks pretty good if you're the only member of the jury

141. constantly taking notes. They don't know it's for material.

142. Top of the class.

143. It's a sweet gig, jury duty, a sweet gig.

144. I recommend it to all of you.

145. First thing they did, they got the whole jury,

146. put us up in a hotel, paid for everything.

147. Suckers, man. Total suckers.

148. They'd save so much money if every time there's a trial on,

149. they just phone the local hotel,

150. find out who was staying there anyway,

151. make them the jury.

152. Get a Dutch family on holiday, they're used to working as a team.

153. That hotel could not have come at a better time. I'd just moved house.

154. My new flat was a tad too drafty for my liking.

155. I'd recently ordered a draft excluder by post.

156. Best way to buy a draft excluder is by post.

157. When they deliver it, they post it through the door,

158. it drops through the letterbox onto the floor.

159. - Already it's paying for its own postage.

160. Toasty.

161. I'd moved to West London.

162. Used to live in South London.

163. Different times, I was a different person.

164. Uh, used to be in a gang.

165. SW6 gang.

166. The area of London we're from.

167. It was our name, and it's what we'd shout at other gangs we didn't like much.

168. Like if we saw the SW5 gang, for example,

169. we'd shout at them, "SW6!"

170. That's smart.

171. That lets them know trouble's brewing.

172. Lets them know who's shouting at them as well.

173. They could be facing the opposite direction,

174. not even aware that we're in the vicinity.

175. Soon as they hear us shout that, instantly they know

176. who's shouting at them, that's the genius of it.

177. A lot of you guys, you see someone you know in the street,

178. you shout their name,

179. they've got to turn around and be like,

180. "Who's that? Who's shouting at me?" It's a waste of time.

181. Shout your own name.

182. That's what I do. "Oi, James Acaster."

183. Now it's up to them.

184. They ain't got time, they keep walking. I'm not taking that personally.

185. Plus if I mistake a stranger for someone I know, doesn't matter.

186. Got my name right.

187. I remember once, back in the day, we were out and about,

188. SW6 crew taking no shit on the stomp.

189. Me, Reg, Hughie, Mr. Mason, my main man Lawrence.

190. We looked across the road, we saw them,

191. SW5 gang.

192. As soon as I saw them, I was cross.

193. I don't know if you've ever been in a gang,

194. but, phwoar, heads-up, you get cross a lot.

195. We shouted at them, "SW6!"

196. As per.

197. They shouted back at us, "SW5!"

198. Which we expected, but it still made us angry.

199. "SW6," back at them. "SW5," back at us.

200. Back and forth, back and forth for ages.

201. Till eventually, I got so overstimulated

202. that I shouted out my entire postcode.

203. In full.

204. And that is why I had to move house.

205. What do you need to be a good juror?

206. Strong opinions.

207. Uh, I got strong opinions by the truckload, man.

208. Like best film I ever saw at the cinema, without question,

209. was the Stephen Hawking biopic The Theory of Everything.

210. Loved it. Should have been called Look Who's Hawking,

211. that's my only criticism.

212. I don't know who named that film, but they hoofed that over the bar.

213. Wave that franchise goodbye.

214. Saw it, I loved it.

215. Couldn't believe my luck, the film was so good.

216. Guy behind me hated it, opposite to me.

217. He was grumpy as well.

218. Proper grumpy guts. Had a go at me at one point 'cause I was snacking.

219. Get over yourself, granddad. I'll do what I like.

220. In his defense, I was eating a big bag of fortune cookies.

221. I was cracking them open, reading them out loud,

222. it was disruptive.

223. I love fortune cookies.

224. I get proper fortune cookies as well, with proper fortunes in them.

225. None of the mainstream stuff you guys get in restaurants, no offense.

226. Tell you what you want to hear all the time.

227. You open them up, "Well, done, mate."

228. It's not for me.

229. I go online, and I order myself some harsh truths.

230. The other day I got a whole bag.

231. Every single cookie said "trust no one."

232. That is not a coincidence.

233. Coming out the cinema,

234. this guy hated Look Who's Hawking, hated it.

235. I hear him turn to his friend, he goes,

236. "Pfft. Well, that's three hours of my life I'm not getting back."

237. I thought, "I've got some bad news for this guy."

238. Every hour of your life...

239. you're never getting back. They're gone forever.

240. Time is not refundable.

241. Death is the end.

242. And I know that 'cause five minutes earlier,

243. I'd read it in a fortune cookie.

244. It's a rough bag.

245. And maybe death's not the end. I mean, who the hell am I?

246. Maybe reincarnation's real.

247. Maybe you get born again, you live a whole other life,

248. you actually do get all the hours back that way.

249. So if you ever see a Buddhist monk come out the cinema

250. and go, "That's three hours of my life I'm not getting back"...

251. that is truly tragic.

252. He hated the film so much...

253. he lost his faith.

254. Sometimes, I hit the town with my friends on the booze. So what?

255. - Next morning, I wake up...

256. I can't remember what happened the night before.

257. Can't remember anything.

258. If someone asks me how last night was,

259. I never go, "Six hours of my life I'm not getting back,"

260. - even though I can't even remember it.

261. If someone asks me how last night was,

262. I always say something like,

263. "Can't remember it, so it must have been good."

264. What film could hope for that review?

265. "How was the film last night?"

266. "Brilliant. I had to make myself sick just to make it to the end.

267. Made myself sick, can't remember it.

268. Next day was an absolute write-off. Best film ever.

269. Gonna see it again next week with the lads,

270. every week the exact same film.

271. Never changes, never gets any better than the first time we saw it.

272. Ninety quid a time."

273. Britain.

274. Little routine about Britain for you.

275. I don't want to get anyone's backs up. I'm not having a go at a night out.

276. I love a night out, yip.

277. I went on a...

278. I went on a banging night out once with the jury.

279. All 12 of us hitting the town, cutting it up,

280. being inconsiderate, having a blast.

281. My first night out as a single man.

282. I was dressed to impress, had my best tie on.

283. Paisley, paisley, makes the girls go crazly.

284. I was chatting to a lady at one point.

285. It was going well, actually.

286. I was, um— I don't know if you guys know what negging is,

287. but negging is where you deliberately undermine their confidence,

288. and then you subtly criticize them,

289. then they become vulnerable to your advances.

290. And, uh, she was negging me big time.

291. - Mm.

292. Message received loud and clear.

293. I was loving it, she was going crazly, no complaints.

294. And I'm no stranger to getting negged.

295. Every time I'm up in the club, all the women be negging me.

296. I'm like, "Who to choose?"

297. Form a queue, ladies. Or don't.

298. I know your game. Scatter, make me want it more.

299. Man, that was a great night out.

300. Went down in history, that night was so great.

301. At one point, Daniel, he's on the jury,

302. went to the toilet, asked me to hold his pint for him while he was in there.

303. Oh, big mistake, Daniel. What you thinking?

304. I've been up to high jinks all night.

305. I'm obliged to do a prank if you leave me alone with your drink.

306. This is a classic prank.

307. Always do this to someone who leaves me alone with their drink.

308. I went round the bar using his pint to propose toasts with...

309. deliberately proposing toasts to things

310. - I knew he disagreed with.

311. He comes back, has a sip, he's like, "Ugh. What you done to that?"

312. "You just drank to the service charge being included in the bill.

313. You just drank to those bedside lamps that don't have the switch on the cord,

314. like it's convenient,

315. but have it on the neck of the lamp under the bulb.

316. Sort of a really stiff bolt

317. you've got to force through the neck of the lamp somehow.

318. And you can't even do it like that,

319. you've got to get your whole hand up inside the lampshade

320. in a backwards, like, gooseneck manner. It's really uncomfortable.

321. You can't even see what you're doing 'cause the lampshade's in the way.

322. You've got to look at the top of the lampshade to see what you're doing,

323. and then you switch it, and then it blinds you when it goes on.

324. You just drank to those lamps. You love those lamps, Daniel.

325. Cheers."

326. That was the best part of doing jury service,

327. getting to know this whole new group of people.

328. Loved them. Legends every last one of them.

329. Obviously, you can't get too close. Everyone's a suspect.

330. They were nice.

331. All from different walks of life.

332. Jan was a teacher, Bill was a bus driver,

333. Hugh was a hype man for a log flume.

334. - Different people...

335. from different walks of life.

336. Not sure everyone knows what a hype man for a log flume is

337. looking around the room.

338. You looked a bit confused, sir. What's your name?

339. - John. - John. I see.

340. You went to shake my hand there, John.

341. Your hand kind of came out.

342. I'm not— I'm not that close. But, hey, listen...

343. I want you to know, on a normal day I'd be right in there.

344. I don't want you to feel like that was a diss.

345. John, do you know what a hype man for a log flume is?

346. Do you know—? I mean, how much of it did you understand?

347. Let's break it down into...

348. It would be a man at the top of the log flume, rather than at the bottom.

349. A man...

350. You think it'd be a man at the top of the log flume telling people to go on?

351. Yeah. - Well, John,

352. I don't want to hurt your feelings. That is wrong.

353. But it's okay.

354. So you know what a log flume is. You've already demonstrated that.

355. A hype man, do you know what a hype man is?

356. Someone who makes it sound better.

357. Someone who makes it sound better, makes it sound good. Yeah.

358. So... I can't believe I'm having to walk you to the door here, John.

359. It's fine.

360. What do you think a hype man for a log flume is?

361. Somebody who gets jigged up for a log flume.

362. Somebody who gets all jigged up for the log flume.

363. - John, can I say something to you? Sure.

364. Never, ever don't believe in yourself ever again.

365. You're absolutely clear. That was very good.

366. Lovely work from John.

367. Lovely work from John.

368. That is what a hype man for a log flume is.

369. Jan was a teacher, Bill was a bus driver,

370. Hugh was a hype man for a log flume...

371. Gwen was a masseuse.

372. Big respect for any masseuses.

373. Masseuses? Masseusi?

374. Massoise.

375. I knew it was massoise really, I'm playing dumb.

376. I've tried to give massage in the past to girlfriends.

377. Not easy, is it?

378. And just normal massage, by the way, not sexy stuff.

379. Drag your goddamn minds out of the dirty gutter.

380. Just normal mass— Normal stuff, you know.

381. Just normal.

382. The normal stuff. Normally, what, you're in bed normally, aren't you?

383. - Yeah.

384. You don't clear the coffee table for it, do you?

385. You're in bed, aren't you, normally, for a massage?

386. With a partner.

387. Nighttime bed, fair to say?

388. Yeah, nighttime bed.

389. Not in the morning. You don't start the day with a massage.

390. - That's beyond decadent.

391. With your face in a bowl of grapes. Oh!

392. "Good morning, sultan.

393. I didn't know the sultan was in this morning."

394. Nighttime bed, isn't it? It's nighttime.

395. You've finished your book, that's done.

396. Fuck off, you fucking nerd.

397. - The book's done.

398. That's how I speak to my books. I'm the one who read them, I don't care.

399. You've got to know your place in the food chain. I'm one above books.

400. Every time I turn up to someone's house, I'm straight to the bookshelf,

401. and I'm like, "I found some dweebs," and I punch them all in the spine,

402. and that gives me the confidence for supper.

403. Nighttime bed, isn't it? It's nighttime bed.

404. You've done your books, the lights are out,

405. and you're both lying down, you've got your eyes closed,

406. and fair to say, at this point, only one of you

407. is even aware that a massage is about to take place.

408. The other one is oblivious, they've got their eyes shut,

409. and they're thinking— This is what they think in their head,

410. they believe, "I'm about to go to sleep now."

411. That's what they believe. "I've had a long day today.

412. I had so many jobs that I needed to do today.

413. Done every single job that I needed to do today,

414. and I'm pretty sure there's no more jobs for me to do.

415. Yeah, no more jobs.

416. I'm in bed next to the person I trust most in this entire planet.

417. The last thing I'm expecting is an ambush of any sort.

418. Yeah, no more jobs."

419. Some of you do, don't you?

420. You get in bed, you turn off the light,

421. and then you shout, "No more jobs," then you go to sleep.

422. That's what a lot of you all do.

423. Some of you don't even refer to it as sleep.

424. You just refer to it as "no more jobs," that's what you call it.

425. You have no more jobs,

426. then you wake up in the morning, then it's jobs again,

427. and then no more jobs, and then jobs—

428. Isn't that just your whole life?

429. There's no more jobs and jobs on a constant loop,

430. till eventually one day,

431. permanently no more jobs forever.

432. Just stretching into the distance,

433. and really missing jobs at that point, isn't it?

434. You really miss jobs when it's no more jobs forever.

435. Too much of a good thing, the old death.

436. You're in bed, aren't you? Books are done, no more—

437. "No more jobs," you've shouted that.

438. Then your partner will lean over,

439. in the dark, like a coward...

440. Like a lily-livered coward...

441. and they'll go...

442. "I've got a genuine muscular complaint...

443. that I really should get seen to by a trained professional.

444. However...

445. how would you like to improvise a massage on me

446. with your zero expertise?"

447. "Would I ever? Let's get this light back on again...

448. and do jobs. Clocking in, boss.

449. Clocking in."

450. Then they lie facedown on the bed.

451. And when you're lying facedown on a bed to receive a massage,

452. you really start to appreciate the value of the face hole...

453. in a traditional massage table.

454. It's there for a reason it turns out.

455. As soon as you get rid of it and move things onto a bed,

456. nine times out of ten,

457. they end up turning their neck so far in one direction

458. that by now the massage is really doing more harm than good.

459. Then the "masseuse"...

460. will assume the position.

461. Which, if you've ever received a massage from a partner before,

462. you know the position in question is sitting on them.

463. You know, like a bully does.

464. Just sitting on them like a bully...

465. Again, I don't know if you've ever paid for a professional massage,

466. this move rarely crops up.

467. They don't park themselves on your butt, it's too familiar.

468. You get what you pay for, you cheapskate.

469. Sitting on you, and then they start guessing.

470. Having a flying guess all over your back.

471. Doing moves they've half-remembered from films and stuff.

472. You can't see what I'm doing at the back there,

473. I'm using the heels of my hands...

474. putting those either side of the spine,

475. then you want to put your full weight on that, in the hopes that that's okay.

476. Not your back, is it? Who gives a shit?

477. Roll the dice on a loved one.

478. And then you want to push it out in a pattern—

479. This is very important.

480. You want to make a pattern that from where you are

481. just looks nice. That's what you want to do.

482. Pleasing to your eyes, if not to their actual back.

483. Nice and symmetrical all the way up.

484. No one ever got hurt with symmetry, did they?

485. Bit of shoulder work while you're there.

486. You're not stingy. You're gonna give them some shoulder work, aren't you?

487. What you're doing there, just gathering all the skin and muscle...

488. in a nice chunky pinch...

489. - then just let it go and do it again.

490. Move it somewhere else, put it back where it was, that's that move.

491. Like an arcade claw that never wins anything,

492. never picks up any toys.

493. Absolute waste of everybody's time.

494. Then the masseuse will dismount.

495. The person who received the massage, they'll say,

496. "Oh, thank you so much, my darling.

497. I love you so much, my love.

498. Thank you, my darling, that was lovely."

499. And they'll go, "No problem.

500. Um, before we go to bed, my back's been hurting all day as well.

501. It really hurts pretty badly today, actually, more than usual.

502. Um, would you be able to give me a massage as well in return?"

503. And they'll go, "No."

504. And that is every relationship ever.

505. One of you is more selfish than the other one,

506. and that is why it's doomed to fail.

507. Welcome to the show, fuck you.

508. I know that's a bit tense, that bit, for a few people.

509. You're sitting next to the person who you're in a relationship with

510. who you know for a fact is more selfish than you.

511. And you don't want to laugh and let on that you know,

512. 'cause you don't want the argument today. I'm aware of that.

513. Don't worry, if you are that person, right,

514. who's with a real selfish person,

515. this is what you do. Next time you give them a massage,

516. halfway through just go, "I'll just be back in a minute,"

517. and leave them facedown on the bed,

518. and then never come back again.

519. People often ask me, "James...

520. who was your favorite member of the jury?"

521. My favorite member of the jury was James.

522. Not me.

523. Not me. There was another James on the jury. There's two Jameses.

524. It was pretty confusing having two people with the same name on the jury.

525. How we made it less confusing,

526. everyone would call him James 1,

527. and me, Wolf. I got to choose my own name.

528. Least favorite member of the jury was Lucas.

529. Eurgh. I hated him so much.

530. I hated him. He thought he was better than everyone else.

531. He thought he was better than me

532. just 'cause he's my age and he's got kids.

533. Who cares?

534. I don't feel inadequate if someone's my age and they got kids.

535. Only time I feel inadequate is if I'm sat in the back of their car

536. and they have to open the door for me 'cause it's child-locked.

537. End up staring through the window like a helpless little baby. Just...

538. Then when they open the door, just to complete the whole thing,

539. I insist they unbuckle me.

540. Even make it difficult like a kid would. I'm a wriggler and a half.

541. I hate Lucas.

542. One of those people that just went around slagging people off

543. all the time to their faces.

544. You know one of those people, just going round,

545. just slagging people off, being rude to everybody,

546. and then backing it up by going, "That's just me.

547. You've got to get used to it. I speak my mind.

548. That's just me. I shoot from the hip.

549. I just tell people what I think of them."

550. Why?

551. - Why you doing that for, mate?

552. Just think it in your head like the rest of us.

553. You're not the only person who hates everyone, thank you.

554. - We all hate everyone.

555. We just don't tell them to their faces 'cause we're probably wrong.

556. You know what I do when I hate someone?

557. I find someone else who also hates them,

558. then we go off in a private room,

559. slag them off behind their back like nice people.

560. I'm a gentleman. Going round slagging people off to their faces.

561. He'd come up to me every day,

562. "You shouldn't eat your fortune cookies in court.

563. You shouldn't have booked a dentist appointment on the day of the verdict."

564. So judgmental, just judging people all the time.

565. It's like he's never heard the fable of the goose and the sloth.

566. There once was a sloth...

567. and it was a nimble sloth,

568. not like all the other sloths in the sloth kingdom.

569. It was swift, it did a lot of cardio.

570. Chin-ups in the branches and running along the river

571. and Zumba.

572. And one Tuesday around brunch time,

573. the sloth was sitting up high, high in a sycamore—

574. - In a sycamore tree...

575. in the jungle.

576. Just spinning its web.

577. Spinning its big old sloth web and catching—

578. What do they catch in their webs, sloths?

579. Pineapples, isn't it?

580. Catching all the pineapples in his big sloth web... for supper,

581. and then the sloth opened up its window

582. and looked out...

583. It's a stained-glass window that opened like that.

584. And looked down at the jungle room floor and all the cobbles.

585. And, uh...

586. out of all the fog and the steam came galloping...

587. a goose.

588. And the goose clip-clopped up to the tree.

589. Clip-clop, barking at all the cats. Clip-clop, clip-clop...

590. And the goose yelled up at the sloth,

591. "Look at you, sloth!

592. So full of vim.

593. You bring shame on your people."

594. And with those words, the goose did tunnel away...

595. zig-zagging across the desert dunes.

596. But the words of the goose stuck in the sloth's mind.

597. With each passing day, the sloth got lazier and slower

598. till it was as slow and as lazy as all the sloths in the sloth kingdom.

599. One bank holiday...

600. the goose was trotting along a meadow...

601. of wheat...

602. and corn...

603. and oats. The kind of meadow used for making Cheerios.

604. - A Cheerios meadow.

605. Just bounding along on all fours...

606. and crowing gaily at the moon.

607. A cockle-doodle-doo. A cockle-doodle-doo to you.

608. When out of the bracken...

609. swept a crocodile.

610. And he pinned the goose to the ground with his mighty talons,

611. butting him with his horns

612. and pushing him further and further into the lava.

613. - And the goose...

614. The goose cried out in sonar.

615. He cried out, "Help me! Help me, for I am in peril!"

616. But the sloth, who was in a tire swing down by the bayou,

617. was too slow.

618. He was too lazy and too slow to make it there in time,

619. and the crocodile ate the goose,

620. and the goose died in his belly,

621. and a nearby pig said, "He deserved that."

622. And then the crocodile drove over and ate the sloth.

623. And the moral of that story is...

624. - I hate Lucas. I hate him!

625. - I hate him so much.

626. Ah, I hate Lucas. I hate him with all my heart.

627. And I got him for Secret Santa. Gutted.

628. The only member of that jury that I didn't like,

629. I got him for Secret Santa. What are the odds?

630. It's all right though. I'm really good at Secret Santa.

631. I went up to him in the break room.

632. I'll be like, "Hey, Lucas.

633. You, uh...? You got any hobbies?"

634. "Yeah, I love skiing."

635. "You got any hobbies up to the value of £10?"

636. "Yeah, I'm really getting into my herbal teas."

637. I remembered that.

638. I went off, I bought him a bandanna.

639. He'll never guess it was me.

640. Secret Santa.

641. Keep it a secret, throw them off the scent any way you can.

642. Too many people make it obvious that they're your Secret Santa.

643. You know what I received for Secret Santa?

644. Two tickets to a log flume. I wonder who?

645. Hardly a head scratcher, is it?

646. That was pretty much the best Christmas of my life.

647. The jury Christmas. It meant a lot to me.

648. I think it's 'cause we're all from different faiths.

649. I was raised Christian, but I'm agnostic now, definitely.

650. And there's a few people...

651. My faith is like a rock.

652. There was one Christian on the jury called Oliver,

653. and he invited the whole jury

654. to go to his church on Christmas Eve

655. to go to the Christingle service.

656. What...

657. is a Christingle?

658. A Christingle is an orange...

659. and it's got a red ribbon tied around it...

660. - And already that's weird, isn't it?

661. Just so you know, I'm not halfway through this description yet.

662. That's an orange with a red ribbon tied around it.

663. Never any excuse to tie a red ribbon around an orange,

664. unless you're gonna fly somewhere on holiday,

665. you want to check the orange in beforehand,

666. so that when it comes round on that conveyor belt,

667. you can tell it apart from all the other oranges.

668. You don't want to go home with a satsuma,

669. or, God forbid, a clementine.

670. It's an orange, it's got a red ribbon tied around it,

671. and four cocktail sticks stuck in the top of the orange.

672. And then we skewer raisins and Dolly Mixtures onto those.

673. And then we get a long, thin candle,

674. drive that into the top of the orange and light it.

675. And then a small child...

676. carries that... down the aisle of the church on Christmas Eve,

677. and nobody questions it.

678. Against all the odds, the kid comes out of it looking pretty boss.

679. And all the elements represent something different.

680. The orange represents all the vitamin C in the world.

681. The ribbon represents the fashion industry.

682. The cocktail sticks represent competitive javelin.

683. The sweets and the raisins represent regret,

684. and the candle represents

685. the dwindling popularity of wax museums.

686. When I was a little Christian boy, they gave me that Christingle.

687. Before I even walked down the aisle,

688. all I wanted to do, eat the raisins, eat the sweets.

689. I had an agenda, sue me.

690. And the grown-ups, sensing that twinkle in your eye,

691. they give you a look as if to say,

692. "Word to the wise, you little punkhead.

693. Keep your lips off of that Christingle."

694. You did as you were told 'cause you were a kid.

695. I'm an adult now.

696. I eat Christingles whenever I like.

697. I don't even wait for Christmas.

698. You think I got in trouble for eating fortune cookies in the cinema.

699. When you eat a lit Christingle...

700. people have something to say about it.

701. "Can you just blow the candle out, please, sir?"

702. "Uh, the candle's got to be lit,

703. otherwise I can't see what I'm doing when I'm peeling the orange.

704. So complain to Jesus, not me. Ignorant."

705. Side note, if I'm ever in a food fight,

706. - Christingle, weapon of choice.

707. There's a lot going on there, spikes and fire.

708. Best of luck with your custard pie.

709. That Christingle service was beautiful.

710. The whole jury went to it.

711. We sat at the side of the church in two rows of six. Force of habit.

712. It felt weird being there actually.

713. When I was a little kid,

714. I used to go to those Christingle services all the time.

715. It brought all those feelings back of being a little Christian boy.

716. So much doubt.

717. All the time. I'd go to bed every night, I'd turn the light off.

718. "No more jobs!" I'd shout "no more jobs."

719. I didn't really have jobs back then. I was just copying my dad.

720. And I'd stare at the ceiling, and I'd think,

721. "What came before the Big Bang?

722. What came before God?

723. What came before that? What came before that?

724. What came before that?"

725. I'd think about what came before that every night.

726. And as I left the church that day as an adult...

727. I felt like that little Christian boy again.

728. All doubtful.

729. I'm not proud of this, but in the days following,

730. I lost my swagger.

731. Went out the window.

732. In court, every day, the jury go away in a little room

733. and debate the case. Just the jury.

734. Suddenly, everyone else had an opinion except for me.

735. They were all saying stuff like, "There's no way he's innocent."

736. And, "All the evidence points to him."

737. And, "So many twists and turns,

738. there's no way your friends won't get wet."

739. And we were like, "Hugh...

740. stop hyping the log flume for two seconds.

741. It's a double murder case. Get your head in the game.

742. There's a time and a place, Hugh. They can hear you outside."

743. I just started playing Devil's advocate in those debates.

744. That's what you do if you don't have an opinion anymore.

745. 'Cause Devil's advocate, you don't need an opinion.

746. You just say the opposite to what everyone else is saying.

747. It's not on you, it's not you...

748. - it's the devil.

749. Who, let's not forget, is a certified rotter.

750. In my books.

751. I've played Devil's advocate from the get-go.

752. Day one, first debate we ever had as a jury,

753. everyone else on the jury, they were saying that the murder

754. was really bad.

755. Prime opportunity... for a little DA.

756. I piped up, I was like, "Hey, guys, to be fair,

757. we're all gonna die one day anyway.

758. These people just died a little earlier than they would have in the first place.

759. Cut this guy some slack. Let him walk."

760. Back to my hotel, I rang my mom.

761. I was like, "Hey, Mom, I played Devil's advocate in court today.

762. You'd have been proud of me. I looked real clever."

763. She said, "Did you lead up to it by saying,

764. - 'Just playing Devil's advocate'"?

765. "Should I have?" She went, "Undoubtedly.

766. Otherwise it just sounds like your own horrific opinion."

767. Day two involved a lot of back-peddling.

768. Had a similar problem with "no pun intended."

769. Couple of days later, we're having a debate.

770. I piped up, I was like, "Hey, guys, no pun intended,

771. but do you think it's possible that the gardener

772. planted evidence?"

773. Back to my hotel, rang my mom.

774. I was like, "Hey, Mom, I said 'no pun intended' in court today.

775. You'd have been proud of me. I looked real clever."

776. She said, "Did you say 'no pun intended'

777. at the end of the sentence?"

778. "I said it at the top." She went, "Right.

779. That does sound like you knew fully well you were headed into a pun...

780. and did very little to change course.

781. Therefore the pun was fully intended, James."

782. What I learnt from those two experiences

783. is if you make a pun in polite conversation,

784. people will hate you...

785. more than that time you openly defended murder.

786. Play Devil's advocate all you want, doesn't help you any.

787. Still didn't know what way I was gonna vote.

788. I remember the day of the verdict,

789. I was sitting there in the dentist's waiting room.

790. I was tense, you know, I felt edgy.

791. I had to decide if someone went to prison for the rest of their life later that day.

792. No, thank you. I felt sick.

793. At one point, the receptionist came over,

794. handed me a questionnaire to fill out.

795. Said, "Fill that out while you're waiting. Everyone's filling them out."

796. I thought, "Actually, this might be just the ticket.

797. Right now, I'm having a crisis of certainty.

798. I could bang through this questionnaire, get all the questions right,

799. reclaim my swagger, take it into court."

800. With that in mind, question one, probably the last thing I needed.

801. Question one on a dental questionnaire...

802. "On a scale of one to ten,

803. how happy are you...

804. with your smile?"

805. How happy are you...

806. with your smile?

807. With your smile?

808. - On a scale of one to ten,

809. How happy are you—? Happy.

810. How happy are you...

811. with your smile? With your—?

812. - On a scale of one to ten...

813. how happy are you...?

814. Happy. How happy are you...

815. with your smile?

816. With your—? With your smile?

817. On a scale of one to ten... how happy—?

818. You know that thing that you do when you're happy?

819. How happy are you with that?

820. "You feeling happy?"Yep, sure am."

821. "You smiling?"Yep."

822. "How's that make you feel?"What?

823. Sad. I think I feel sad now.

824. I was feeling happy, then you went, 'Stop, analyze it. How do you look?'

825. Stupid. I look stupid. I probably won't bother again."

826. How happy are you with your happiness essentially, isn't it?

827. With your happiness.

828. That's not a dental question, that's an existential question.

829. What's question two? "What came before that?"

830. Scale of one to ten— And by the way,

831. I'm sitting there in the dentist's waiting room,

832. there's a poster on the wall of a cartoon tooth,

833. and the tooth had a face, and the tooth was smiling,

834. - and the tooth had teeth.

835. Like something out of a horror film. There were kids in there.

836. On a scale of one to ten— One to ten!

837. One to ten— I don't know what any of those numbers represent by the way.

838. One to ten, you figure it out.

839. That's how all of you feel, is one to ten.

840. I'm assuming one is the depths of human despair...

841. and ten is staying up past midnight.

842. Everything in between it, your guess is as good as mine.

843. Do the tooth teeth have teeth, too?

844. Do the tooth teeth have teeth, too?

845. I'm already happy.

846. That's why I'm smiling.

847. I feel happy and then I smile. I don't smile and then feel happy.

848. I don't know who's doing it that way round,

849. checking what their face is doing and then copying it.

850. I feel happy and then I smile.

851. And maybe I'll see that smile, feel a bit happier.

852. Maybe. But it's not its own thing, is it?

853. It's not its own thing. It's standing on the shoulders of that original happiness

854. that made you smile in the first place. It's a top-up. At best it's a top-up.

855. Right. Say— Say— You feel happy, right? You feel happy,

856. and then you get to an eight. Poof.

857. And then you smile. You smile at an eight.

858. Then maybe you see that smile, feel a bit happier. Poof.

859. Ten.

860. That's not how happy you are with your smile, is it? You know it's not.

861. You've got to subtract that original eight,

862. 'cause that's the happiness that made you smile in the first—

863. Do you even know what I'm talking about right now?

864. You can't hand it all in. That's not how happy you are with your smile,

865. that's how happy you are with your smile

866. plus seeing the dogs get into a fridge,

867. or whatever it was that made your day so much.

868. You've got to subtract that eight.

869. Two. Two.

870. What's that, verging on hopelessness with your smile?

871. You had an eight a minute ago, you've got a two now, mate.

872. And two is the highest you get from an eight as well.

873. Highest from an eight is a two, highest from a nine, one,

874. highest from a ten, zero.

875. The happier you are,

876. the sadder you end up.

877. It's what I learnt...

878. at the dentist.

879. I'm not filling that out.

880. I've been there for ten minutes, I've written nothing.

881. I've written my name and a lot of workings out in the margins.

882. I thought, "I can't fill it out. Fuck it, I'm not filling it out."

883. Left it, just walked away. Didn't even stay for my appointment.

884. The receptionist shouted my name after me. Not gonna work.

885. Shout your own name out, I'll turn around.

886. - I'm not turning around for my name.

887. It was a hung jury. It was a hung jury.

888. There you go.

889. There's an hour of your life you're not getting back.

890. I'm sorry. It's disappointing, I know it's disappointing.

891. Everyone hates a hung jury.

892. Even the other jurors hate you.

893. Remember Lucas?

894. He was furious. He's standing there, ranting in his bandanna.

895. Having a go at all of us, "That's bullshit.

896. That guy's definitely guilty. You guys are a bunch of pussies."

897. "Shut up, man.

898. We can't all be geese like you. I wish I was a goose.

899. But I'm not. I'm jealous of you.

900. I'm jealous of all of you. I'm jealous of you,

901. I'm jealous of him for believing in something that I gave up on.

902. When you're a little Christian boy, everything's nice.

903. It's exactly where it should be and it makes sense.

904. When you grow up, it should get easier,

905. but it gets harder, you get more scared and more doubtful,

906. and then you end up just moving everything around,

907. taking it apart, and throwing a giant strop.

908. I used to believe stuff.

909. The only thing I believe these days...

910. is celebrity gossip.

911. You know, um...

912. Mario Gomez...

913. he often sends people e-mails with the subject heading:

914. 'check out this funny video,'

915. then forgets to include the link.

916. I like Chilean miners. I watched it on the news.

917. I know for a fact that all of it happened, and it had a happy ending.

918. I like that. I don't like any of this. This is shit."

919. I remember he looked at me...

920. said...

921. "Listen, Wolf, don't compare yourself to the rest of us.

922. It's stupid. Listen, you want to know what I think about you, honestly?

923. If anything, I'm jealous of you.

924. You're the only person on this whole jury...

925. who got to go on a log flume."

926. "Twice.

927. It was a fun day.

928. Hold on, I...

929. I never told anyone...

930. what I got for Secret Santa."