James Acaster: Repertoire 1x1

1. Thank you.

2. - Yeah.

3. How's it going at the back?

4. Yeah!

5. Strong.

6. What a good back section. Best seats in the house, the back...

7. at a comedy show.

8. - Safe.

9. You're so safe, you got your feet up, "No one's talking to us."

10. I come out, "How's it going at the back?"

11. "What?

12. Belittle the life choices of the front row, please."

13. I'm not gonna belittle any of your life choices.

14. Don't even worry about it. Not 'cause I'm nice, by the way.

15. 'Cause I've been in this game long enough to know that the front row

16. are no longer the easy targets they once were.

17. They're now a bunch of prepped attention-seekers...

18. praying that I pick them so they can destroy me in front of my new friends.

19. - Forget about it. It's not gonna happen.

20. You got a hoodie on, mate. I know a trap when I see one.

21. Wearing his hoodie, hoping he'll lure me in with the bait.

22. I ask him why he's got his hoodie on,

23. he hits me with some hoodie-based one-liners

24. he workshopped with his stupid friends. In your sweet dreams.

25. You should be ashamed of yourself. The gig's not about you.

26. Check your ego at the door.

27. It's about me, start to finish, the whole show.

28. And what a life.

29. Recently moved next door to a Mexican restaurant,

30. that's the headlines.

31. I don't mind it. I like it.

32. Here's what you need to know about the restaurant,

33. everyone steals their spoons.

34. They've got beautiful spoons. Everyone nicks them,

35. so much so that every January, they've got to have a spoon amnesty on.

36. If you've stolen a spoon from there, if you bring it back in January,

37. they reward you with free tacos.

38. Genius.

39. Not only do they get their spoons back,

40. they also get to watch while the thieves eat tacos

41. which I imagine have been interfered with beyond belief.

42. What you got a hoodie on for?

43. It's cold outside?

44. It's...

45. He is firing on all cylinders.

46. I knew he would be. I walked into that. I deserved every bit of what I got.

47. Uh, one-nil to you. Hope you're happy.

48. I don't steal the spoons, by the way. Just so you know.

49. I'm not— I'm not a rule-breaker.

50. I like to find loopholes. That's different, isn't it? That's fun.

51. More satisfying, finding a loophole.

52. Everyone's favorite loophole? Infinite wishes.

53. Yeah, you like infinite wishes, don't you?

54. You find a lamp, you rub it, a genie comes out, grants you three wishes,

55. what's your first wish?

56. Infinite wishes. Clever.

57. That is a clever loophole for a situation,

58. let's face it, none of us are ever gonna end up in ever.

59. We showed those genies, am I right? Stupid genies.

60. Some people don't like infinite wishes.

61. You say "infinite wishes" to them, they're like, "No! No way! Not allowed.

62. You can't say 'infinite wishes,' it's against the rules."

63. I'm always like, "Yo, you know what, man? Fair enough. Fair play.

64. That wasn't the information you were after, I'm wasting your time.

65. I apologize. I won't say 'infinite wishes' again."

66. "You better not say 'infinite wishes' again."

67. "I won't."Good. What's your first wish?"

68. "Infinite genies."

69. Infinite genies is the best wish. Not only do I get infinite wishes,

70. also takes care of my second wish: more friends.

71. I love to hang out with genies all the time.

72. Did you see Aladdin? He stole the show.

73. I love finding loopholes. I find them all the time.

74. Like in stupid London where I stupid live, on the underground,

75. the escalators enforce the rule: stand on the right, walk on the left.

76. I loophole that every day.

77. What they've overlooked is the fact that left and right are relative concepts

78. depending on what way you're facing.

79. Stand on my right and try and guess

80. where the escalators end, thank you very much.

81. Sometimes you get a couple standing on the right of the escalator.

82. They're facing each other, just smooching all the way down.

83. I like to intervene and be like,

84. "Excuse me, but strictly speaking, one of you should be on the move."

85. I love those escalators. All the way down on the walls,

86. there's posters for all the different West End shows that are on.

87. It's exciting.

88. When I was a little boy, my dad told me the people who put up those posters

89. have one of the hardest jobs in the world.

90. To this day, I admire their agility.

91. One of my favorite loopholes, of all time, actually,

92. was discovered by Torvill and Dean, of all people.

93. The 1984 Olympics, cast your minds back,

94. performing their world famous Boléro routine for the very first time.

95. Now, the song they were gonna skate to lasted four minutes, 28 seconds,

96. but Olympic rules stated

97. the performance was only allowed to last four minutes, ten seconds.

98. There's another rule.

99. Said the stopwatch only officially started

100. when their ice skates touched the ice.

101. They found a loophole.

102. For the first 18 seconds of that song, they performed it kneeling down.

103. And when you love loopholes as much as I do...

104. and you discover that a couple of, and I'm not gonna mince my words,

105. dweeby little squares like Torvill and Dean

106. have found such a good one, you get real jealous real quick.

107. I thought I'm not gonna sulk about it.

108. Not only am I gonna find a loophole, I'm gonna find the exact same loophole.

109. And it feels great. Here I am, I'm kneeling down,

110. we haven't officially started yet, none of this counts.

111. None of this counts. If someone walks in now,

112. if anything they're early.

113. If anyone heckles, it is personal.

114. Earlier, when you said that thing about being cold,

115. if I was standing up, that could have derailed the whole show.

116. As it is, I'm kneeling down,

117. I can wait until I'm standing up to give him both barrels.

118. - And I will give you both barrels.

119. I hope you like getting both barrels, mate.

120. The show properly starts with a routine about childhood,

121. but, um, full disclosure, that is a long ways down the way.

122. In the meantime, I'm gonna tell you a story.

123. You need to know two things about me going into this story:

124. I bear a lot of grudges, and I love French cuisine.

125. I love French cuisine. That's why this story takes place

126. in a Pret A Manger.

127. Ah, have you been there? Mamma mia. Ah.

128. - Ah.

129. I love manger-ing there.

130. There's so much good stuff to manger.

131. I love to manger in Pret A Manger.

132. I think my favorite thing to manger there is the yogurts.

133. I love to manger the yogurts.

134. It's like— They're in a pot, and it's like—

135. It's like granola on top, then mainly yogurt,

136. then fruit compote at the bottom.

137. - You know, the way they eat it in Paris.

138. And, uh, you get a spoon, and you mix it all together,

139. then you manger it that way, if you like.

140. I don't actually mix it. I just leave it as it is,

141. and I work my way down in order.

142. I start off with nothing but granola,

143. just shoving raw granola into my mouth,

144. deflecting off my teeth this way and that.

145. And then I power through the yogurt for a really long time,

146. getting precious little out of it, if I'm honest.

147. It's a real trudge. You know what I mean? I don't like the yogurt part.

148. And then I end on the tangy compote,

149. like, "Whoa, what a finale! Oh, my God! All the flavor at once. Ah."

150. That's how I eat yogurt. I eat them like they're packaged.

151. That's why I like them Fruit Corners. They come with that little chaser.

152. I went in Pret A Manger one day,

153. all I wanted was a banana. That's all I wanted to manger.

154. I went in there— Doesn't ever get less funny, that.

155. Every time I say it, it's still funny.

156. Got a banana, put it on the counter,

157. I said, "Just that, s'il vous plaît."

158. - Make the effort.

159. Make the effort in Pret A Manger.

160. I make the effort, you should.

161. "Just that, s'il vous plaît."

162. The lady behind the counter,

163. she goes, "Oh! Oh, we're giving away free bananas today."

164. "Thanks very much."

165. Picked up the banana, I turned to leave,

166. she goes,

167. "Hold on a second. Where are you going?

168. I said we're giving away free bananas.

169. I didn't say all of the bananas are free."

170. How unnecessary.

171. I don't know what I've done to offend this woman in the past,

172. but she's laid a language loophole for me,

173. and I've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

174. I wasn't gonna rise to it, though. Stayed very calm.

175. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry.

176. Which of the bananas...

177. are free?"

178. As soon as I asked her, I think it highlighted

179. how insane it would have been if that had been my initial response.

180. If someone says to you...

181. "We're giving away free bananas today,"

182. and without question you go, "Which specific ones?

183. Looking at this box of bananas, I want to know which individual ones

184. the offer applies to.

185. It can't be all of them. We're not living in a fantasy land.

186. This isn't my dreams."

187. "Which bananas are free?"

188. Her eyes lit up. She couldn't wait to tell me which bananas were free.

189. She goes, "These ones."

190. And she pointed at this pile of jet black bananas,

191. just black as the night sky.

192. Wobbling as well, there was no solids in those skins,

193. just a pile on the counter,

194. and I don't want to manger no dead banana.

195. Look, I know you can't tell what a banana's like

196. on the outside based on the inside.

197. I know that. I'm an adult.

198. But some bananas, ugly on the outside, beautiful on the inside.

199. Other bananas, beautiful on the outside, ugly on the inside.

200. It's evolution's way of making sure shallow people

201. don't get enough potassium in their bodies.

202. And rightfully so. Deserve everything they get, shallow people.

203. If there's any shallow people in tonight, get out.

204. None of them are welcome.

205. Be that as it may,

206. I turned down the offer and I paid full price for my yellow banana.

207. As I'm handing her the money,

208. she does this face at me— Clearly what she wanted to do

209. was look at someone and roll her eyes

210. at the guy paying full price for the banana.

211. But no one else was around, so she kind of looked at me and went,

212. "I know, that's the guy."

213. I'm almost at the door, nearly home free, hand on the handle,

214. and I hear her mutter to herself—

215. And this still boils my blood to this day, actually.

216. Under her breath, she goes,

217. "He thinks he's too good for a free banana."

218. - Never before...

219. have I been so offended

220. by something I 100 percent agree with.

221. Yeah, I am too good for a free banana, actually.

222. We all are, aren't we?

223. If you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, I'm not,"

224. believe in yourself a little bit.

225. It is a banana. It is a banana.

226. You've never been standing there holding a banana

227. and someone's come up to you and gone,

228. "Ooh-hoo, you're punching above your weight, aren't you?"

229. - It's never happened.

230. It's lucky to have you if anything, that banana.

231. Couldn't get it out of my head.

232. Days, weeks, months went by, I was still furious about it.

233. Went past Pret A Manger nine months later,

234. looked in the window, the bananas were gone at this point.

235. Frankly, I was surprised.

236. I half expected them to have been decanted into a paddling pool

237. with a sign stuck in them that said "free smoothies"

238. so people could drag their cups through the mush and leave.

239. "Oh, Pret A Manger, your generosity continues to astound us. Ah..."

240. The bananas were gone, but my nemesis was not.

241. She was standing behind the counter, handing someone a Danish like a prick.

242. Like a prick.

243. I was furious, still angry. I knew I had to get revenge.

244. And I know exactly how I'm gonna do it now.

245. Got it all planned out. Step one: I'm gonna open my own banana shop...

246. in her neck of the woods.

247. And that's all we sell, is bananas.

248. Sooner or later, she's gonna go in.

249. 'Cause let's face it,

250. if a shop opens up in your neck of the woods

251. that only sells bananas and nothing else,

252. you're gonna go in at some point just to see.

253. Does it really just sell bananas?

254. Once you're in the shop that only sells bananas,

255. you've got to buy a banana.

256. 'Cause only a maniac would go in the shop that only sells bananas

257. and go, "I'm sorry, you haven't got what I'm looking for,"

258. - and then leave.

259. I've got her where I want her now.

260. She'll come in, pick up a banana, put it on the counter,

261. she'll go, "Just that, please."

262. And I'll go...

263. "Oh.

264. Oh, hey, we're giving away free bananas today."

265. She'll go...

266. "Oh, which ones are fr—?"

267. 'Cause let's face it, I'm not gonna trip her up at this hurdle, am I?

268. - She invented this trick.

269. "Which ones are free?"

270. And I'll say...

271. "All of them.

272. All of the bananas are free."

273. And against her better instincts, she'll pick up a banana,

274. and say, "Thanks very much."

275. She'll turn to leave,

276. and just as I'm out of her peripheral, soon as I get out of her peripheral,

277. I'll go, "Hold on a second.

278. Where are you going?

279. I said all the bananas are free,

280. I didn't say all of the bananas are free to everybody."

281. And she'll be all angry. She'll go, "Who are they free to, then?"

282. And then, here's the kicker, I'll go, "Me,"

283. - and then I eat all the bananas.

284. Just doing laps of the banana shop, just hoofing them into my mouth,

285. making disturbing noises as well.

286. I haven't worked on them yet,

287. but I'm gonna work on it and get some disturbing noises going.

288. And then she'll be all flustered,

289. she'll be like, "Who are you? Why are you doing this?"

290. And I'll be— I've taken off my disguise. I was wearing a disguise all along.

291. - And I'll go,

292. "It's me. Boo! Who's too good for—?

293. - Who's too good for a free banana now?

294. - I'm too good for a free banana.

295. Always have been, always will.

296. Always will be too good for a free banana."

297. Yes! Cold like a wanker.

298. Boom, dealt with! Dealt with, both barrels.

299. Both barrels. I did it.

300. So, childhood's a funny thing.

301. It's stressful as a child, I think.

302. It's a lot on you.

303. People ask you what you want to be when you grow up all the time.

304. Coming up to you, adults,

305. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

306. "I don't know. Secure enough in myself

307. I'm not putting this kind of pressure on six-year-olds. How does that sound?

308. This how you get your kicks, mate?

309. See you later, sicko. Go back to hanging out with my dad.

310. I never wanted to talk to you in the first place."

311. I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I was a kid, when I grew up.

312. I wanted to be a undercover cop.

313. But I didn't tell no one.

314. Kept it secret.

315. 'Cause then when I grow up, become an undercover cop,

316. first day on the job, already blown my cover...

317. running my mouth off all round town as a child.

318. So I was smart. Whenever an adult asked me,

319. "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

320. I thought long-term, I said, "Drug dealer."

321. Every time.

322. Then if you grow up, become an undercover cop,

323. infiltrate a gang of drug dealers,

324. if any of them get suspicious, like,

325. "Hey, you think James might be an undercover cop?"

326. the others will be like, "No way.

327. This is his lifelong dream.

328. Don't you ever say that again."

329. It paid off. I'm now an adult. I'm a fully-fledged undercover cop.

330. Why am I doing stand-up? I'll tell you.

331. Ten years ago, I had to infiltrate a gang

332. dealing drugs to comedians backstage at comedy gigs.

333. Naturally, I assumed the identity of a stand-up comedian

334. to get close to the gang.

335. Ten years down the line, still haven't closed the case,

336. but the gigs keep rolling in. Good to be here.

337. Needless to say, the boys at Scotland Yard

338. don't much appreciate me telling you all this shit.

339. I get in trouble all the time.

340. The captain called me into his office the other day.

341. "Springleaf! Get—" Um, that's my real name.

342. Uh, Pat Springleaf.

343. "Springleaf, get in here.

344. What's this I hear about you talking about the case on stage?

345. You total idiot."

346. "Captain, it's not my fault. You keep booking me all these gigs,

347. filling my diary all the time.

348. I'm having to write new material.

349. Of course I'm talking about my real life now.

350. I'm running out of ideas.

351. If you don't like it, stop booking me so many gigs."

352. He's like, "Uh, you're forgetting

353. I'm currently undercover as a comedy booker right now.

354. I have to book these gigs, or it looks suspicious."

355. He's the worst booker ever. Got me this shit.

356. Got me that gig in Crawley

357. where the man threw Maltesers at me and called me a bitch.

358. Got me that gig in a members-only club.

359. The worst gig he ever got me was in a members-only club.

360. Twenty of the most entitled people I've ever met in my life.

361. Treated me like their own personal court jester for the whole show,

362. just heckling me and knocking back calamari shavings.

363. It was awful.

364. I weren't even getting paid money.

365. My payment: membership to the club.

366. At one point, I started bantering with them,

367. asked them what they did for a living.

368. Turns out, they were all stand-up comedians

369. who'd done the gig in the past.

370. I got over it two weeks later,

371. had a mouthful of olives, heckling Josh Widdicombe like a champion.

372. No regrets.

373. I love being an undercover cop. I love it.

374. Purest form of copping there is. Just pure copping.

375. Pure copping. Don't even wear a uniform.

376. Every day is mufti day, imagine that.

377. Just me and my mufti.

378. And a gun. I got a gun on my ankle.

379. That's it, just pure copping.

380. It's me, my mufti, and my gun.

381. And a wire. I wear a wire at all times,

382. recording what's going on around me, but that is it.

383. Just pure copping.

384. It's me, my mufti, my gun, and my wire.

385. And a magnifying glass for looking at clues.

386. Let you into a secret,

387. I originally did that bit with a gun. Didn't go as well.

388. Went bad.

389. I'm currently infiltrating this gang of drug dealers.

390. I'm in the gang, and I'm blending in

391. like a roast parsnip in a bowl of roast potatoes.

392. So, so smooth.

393. No problemo.

394. Oh, I should explain actually. Um...

395. Uh, "no problemo," that is a gangster term.

396. It means "I can perform the task assigned to me without any difficulty."

397. You've got to talk gangster when you hang out with gangsters.

398. Once, I nearly gave myself away by saying "flabbergasted."

399. Luckily I managed to convince them it was a homophobic slur.

400. They misuse it a lot.

401. I actually quite get on with the gang. I like them.

402. We've had our arguments, sometimes with Lawrence, you know.

403. Lawrence is the leader of the gang, to be fair, and that's not fun.

404. Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful.

405. It's like if you ever see anyone leading a conga.

406. Oh, on the outside, they're loving it, sure.

407. The whole time...

408. "Put your drink down." Yes, you bloody are, mate. Come on."

409. - Ah-ha!

410. In their heads just...

411. "I don't know where I'm going.

412. Ah, I didn't plan a route.

413. I never asked for any of this.

414. God, I miss my family."

415. Everyone's trapped...

416. in the conga.

417. Oh, what, you think you can leave? You can't leave.

418. Person at the back maybe. They can let go, make a run for it.

419. Everyone else, you let go, you're not out the conga.

420. Now you're the leader of a rival conga.

421. Now you've got turf wars to worry about.

422. Worst-case scenario, you're second from the back, you let go,

423. the one person behind you loves congas, isn't giving up for anyone.

424. Now you're trying to mingle at the party with a maniac on your hips.

425. A lone madman. You want to have a discussion about Brexit,

426. they're still going hell for leather.

427. You'd have to go swimming just to get rid of him.

428. The argument we had recently, me and Lawrence,

429. was about oven gloves. Ridiculous.

430. You know when you buy oven gloves you've got two options?

431. I like to buy the two individual separate oven gloves personally.

432. You know, one for each hand. They're independent of each other.

433. And you're free...

434. as you always imagined you would be as an adult in your own kitchen...

435. to move as you please.

436. He gets these oven gloves where

437. you've still got another glove for each hand,

438. but they're joined together by that filthy hammock.

439. Most bacteria in a bit of fabric in your entire house.

440. It's a quilted germ blanket.

441. Oh, what you handling with that?

442. Please let it be food.

443. Please say it's food you're picking up with a germ cloth.

444. Can't wait to manger whatever it is you're cooking.

445. You have to do a full range of movement with them.

446. What if someone attacks you? You can't defend yourself.

447. It could happen. Just 'cause you're getting something out of the oven,

448. doesn't mean the whole world stands still.

449. What are you gonna do, garrote them?

450. Hope in a week's time they get a fungal infection?

451. They do not need to be joined together.

452. No one's threading those oven gloves through the sleeves of their jacket

453. like a pair of winter mittens to my knowledge.

454. Lawrence goes, "They need to be joined together, James,

455. so they don't get separated, thank you very much."

456. They're oven gloves.

457. They are oven gloves.

458. Correct me if I'm wrong, they are not leaving the kitchen.

459. Neither one of them is leaving the kitchen, are they?

460. There's an oven glove in the kitchen. Where's the other one?

461. Probably in the kitchen.

462. Probably somewhere in the kitchen.

463. No one's leaving one oven glove by the stove,

464. then hitting the town solo-gloving it...

465. like a culinary Michael Jackson, going up to people.

466. You don't take that risk.

467. I said to him, "Man, do yourself a favor.

468. Take that onesie oven glove back to the shop.

469. Buy yourself some proper oven gloves."

470. This is what he says, he goes...

471. "Ah. Oven gloves, schmoven gloves."

472. That's how he argues.

473. - And he won, by the way.

474. Oven gloves, schmov—

475. Won every argument we've ever had with that technique.

476. Oven gloves, schmoven gloves. Bowling, schmowling.

477. Cinema, schminema.

478. The only argument he didn't win with that

479. was one time when we argued about schmoozing.

480. If it begins with "schm," he ain't got nothing.

481. Believe you me, when you're leaving the house off to do a bit of schmoozing,

482. and he's shouting "schmoozing, schmoozing" after you,

483. it's more encouraging than dismissive.

484. Put a spring in my step.

485. Actually really good at schmoozing.

486. I thought I'd use this opportunity in the show

487. to give you some schmoozing tips.

488. You look like some happening cats.

489. Maybe you're gonna schmooze someone at an office do.

490. Now, a lot of people tell you

491. when you're schmoozing, have a good icebreaker.

492. At the top of the conversation, break the ice.

493. What they won't tell you,

494. at the end of the conversation, unbreak the ice. Right?

495. You don't want anyone else sweeping in,

496. taking advantage of all the lovely little ice cubes that you created.

497. So freeze it over again before you leave.

498. Just as you're leaving, just slide something under the fence,

499. like "death comes to us all," something like that.

500. Set the tone for the rest of the evening.

501. Good luck anyone else penetrating that fortress.

502. Nod a lot. When they're talking, you do a lot of nodding.

503. That lets them know that you're listening.

504. Every now and again, just throw in something like,

505. "Wow, I don't normally nod this much."

506. - Make them feel special.

507. "I'm gonna have to bill you for my next neck massage.

508. You got me nodding like a damn fool over here.

509. Anyway, I'll see you in the office.

510. There's only 3000 tigers left in the wild.

511. They're on the verge of extinction, Jerry."

512. I love schmoozing, man.

513. Gets me out of the house, meet new people.

514. Maybe meet a lady. Why not? I am single.

515. My goddamn wife left me

516. 'cause I was getting too obsessed with the case.

517. I miss her.

518. So what? I'm not made of stone.

519. I'm not gonna act tough in front of you guys.

520. Of course I miss her.

521. You don't realize how much you need something till it's gone, do you?

522. Like your fingernails.

523. You don't realize how much you need your fingernails

524. until you cut your fingernails.

525. Then that's the day you've got to go and put four new keys on a key ring.

526. It's agony. It's not worth it.

527. Have them loose in your pocket and guess. Live your life.

528. She left me on... On National Fondue Day.

529. Of all days.

530. I only knew it was National Fondue Day

531. 'cause I went to Google "one-bedroom flats"

532. and the Google logo, it was all made up of fondue-related imagery.

533. The capital G was a wheel of cheese,

534. had a bit cut out of it. It was a dead ringer for a G.

535. The two Os were like aerial shots of pots of fondue.

536. They were bubbling away. Animated, that was a nice touch.

537. The lowercase G was a guy, he was just sitting there.

538. He was just eating fondue,

539. but not even in the shape of a G— Actually, let's address this.

540. Sometimes, Google don't even try with some of the letters.

541. Thank you very much. Speaking for the people at this gig.

542. He wasn't there in a G shape like that, he was just sitting there like, eh.

543. "I think you're fully aware what I represent, mate.

544. I'm next to both the Os. You figure it out, genius.

545. You came on google.com. What do you think it says?"

546. And we accept it. We just accept it every time.

547. They can put anything above that search bar.

548. It can say "Yahoo," and we'll all go,

549. "That says 'Google.' Nicely done.

550. Very subversive today, Google."

551. I'm living on my own now.

552. Miss her.

553. Started drinking on my own. Who cares?

554. No, I quite like it actually.

555. Every night, I lock the door to my flat, get myself a glass of punch.

556. Is that weird? I drink punch on my own.

557. - Is that strange?

558. I drink it in front of a big punch bowl with a ladle in it,

559. in the corner of my bedroom.

560. Is that—? I don't know what other people do.

561. People are always worried about punch getting spiked.

562. Solo punch, problem solved.

563. I'm not gonna spike myself unless it's Fun Time Thursdays.

564. I don't get hammered on my own.

565. I don't get trashed, I just get tipsy.

566. Tipsy is the best thing you can be in life, is tipsy.

567. There's four things you can be in life:

568. sober, tipsy, drunk, hungover.

569. Tipsy's the only one out of the four where you don't cry during it.

570. I should've warned you earlier, some of the jokes are sad.

571. Got to choose your soft drink when you're getting tipsy.

572. Make sure every other drink is a soft drink.

573. Sustain it, maintain it.

574. I'm a Dr Pepper man. I love Dr Pepper.

575. I don't claim to understand it. I'm not that arrogant, of course not.

576. What an enigma that drink is.

577. I drink it every night. I could not tell you what flavor it is,

578. - hand on heart.

579. No idea. If I had my mouth full of Dr Pepper

580. with all my other senses shut off,

581. I'd be like, "It tastes like a sexy battery. Are you happy?

582. - It tastes like a sexy battery."

583. The can says "mixed fruit flavor."

584. Hm.

585. Uh, I weren't born yesterday. I know what fruit tastes like!

586. - I've had fruit before.

587. I've never sent a fruit salad back 'cause it was too Dr Peppery.

588. That's a lie, I have. It's really funny.

589. I send most food back 'cause it's too Dr Peppery

590. just to see how they bring it back and what they change.

591. You learn a lot about a chef.

592. When she kicked me out,

593. I decided that I'd throw myself into my work.

594. That's pretty common after a breakup, right?

595. I thought I'd do a comedy podcast

596. about something that I'm passionate about.

597. Not a lot of people know this, but, uh, I love mathematics.

598. Love mathematics.

599. Favorite number: umpteen.

600. It's a curious number, right?

601. It sounds big, but it's in the teens.

602. Someone's cooking the books.

603. Favorite mathematician, Pythagoras.

604. Whoa, yeah, of course.

605. Great mathematician, great catchphrase as well.

606. We all loved his catchphrase, didn't we, Pythagoras? You remember his catchphrase.

607. You remember his catchphrase, don't you?

608. He used to say it quite a lot. Pretty popular.

609. He used to— What would he say? He'd go, "Hey!

610. Hey, every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles."

611. Do you remember that? That was great.

612. - I loved it so much.

613. "Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles."

614. A good catchphrase.

615. Not my favorite theorem though, controversially.

616. Hippasus. A lot of people have heard of him.

617. Mathematician, dealt mainly with squares.

618. He discovered if you get any square,

619. you draw four carefully calculated lines within that square,

620. uh, you end up with this...

621. Ooh...

622. which, as you're all clearly aware,

623. is the most satisfying way you can close a cardboard box.

624. It feels so good.

625. No tape.

626. No string.

627. All box.

628. Admit it, the first time you saw a cardboard box get closed like that,

629. your brain couldn't make sense of it.

630. "How is every flap the top flap?"

631. I love closing boxes like that.

632. Hands down, best part of my divorce.

633. I'm there closing all the boxes,

634. the parcel tape's looking down at me from the shelf.

635. I'm like, "Screw you, you stupid parcel tape.

636. I don't need you anymore.

637. I'm closing the boxes using the boxes themselves.

638. You can suck it. You can suck it forever, you goddamn parcel tape—"

639. To be honest, I was taking the divorce a lot harder than I thought I was.

640. I took a lot of it out on the parcel tape.

641. Obviously you don't land on a theorem like that first time.

642. A lot of trial and error getting there.

643. We've all been here, haven't we?

644. Horrible. That is a horrible feeling.

645. I shouldn't have brought that up during a comedy show actually.

646. That is bumming you out. I can feel it.

647. I can feel it ruining the buzz, you know?

648. You got excited, early doors,

649. you rushed, you didn't plan ahead, and now look where you are.

650. When you're done, that happens with a box, you're there, you're looking at it

651. and going, "I know what I should do.

652. Open all the flaps up and start from square one.

653. I'm a sensible person."

654. However... having a look at it from this angle,

655. I can see that really, it's only this bit that is wrong.

656. These three bits are exactly how I wanted them.

657. So, what I will do—

658. And this'll be clever actually. This is a clever idea. Little timesaver.

659. I'm gonna lever this flap over the top of this one

660. without touching any of this.

661. I'll just leave this locked in as it is.

662. And, man, you really discover how strong a cardboard box is

663. when you try and pull that stunt. It is strong.

664. You're arm wrestling with it. Maybe you pull too hard,

665. you rip the side of the box.

666. The parcel tape's looking down at you like, "Well, well, well.

667. Look who came crawling back."

668. "Shut up, you stupid parcel tape. Suck it forever."

669. My favorite mathematician, that guy.

670. It's a privilege of mine doing a gig tonight of all nights,

671. 'cause today is his birthday.

672. I know that 'cause my favorite website told me so this morning.

673. I was very excited when I got up and I saw this.

674. Finally, credit where it is due.

675. In the end, I just decided to do a normal comedy podcast

676. where they just sit around talking to each other.

677. That's what most podcasts are.

678. And I'm doing that all day long anyway, with the drug dealers,

679. just sitting around talking.

680. Plus, I'm already recording it.

681. Wearing the wire, man.

682. I had to make sure that I steered the topic of conversation

683. towards more podcast-friendly subjects.

684. Like ask them fun hypothetical questions and stuff like that.

685. Then all I had to do was write a funky cool theme tune.

686. I downloaded a bunch of funny noises off the Internet

687. that I could put in in post, little sound effects and stuff.

688. Got a hit podcast on my hands.

689. And I'm gonna play it to you now.

690. This is my comedy podcast.

691. Just me and the drug dealers just sitting around shooting the breeze.

692. Um, fair warning, they don't know that they're being recorded, obviously.

693. Um, also, the podcast did come in a little bit early,

694. but I filled the time by putting

695. what is indisputably the best song in the world at the end,

696. so it's absolutely fine.

697. This is my comedy podcast.

698. It's called "The Wire."

699. The Wire.

700. Morning, guys. Looking good.

701. Reg, Hughie, Mr. Mason. My main man Lawrence.

702. - Where's Ted? Ted's dead.

703. - He was the rat, James. No, he wasn't.

704. I shouldn't have said that.

705. I hold my hands up, that was unprofessional.

706. The captain did not like that. Next morning, called me into his office,

707. "Springleaf! Please tell me that's not your voice...

708. claiming that somebody else is not the rat.

709. And why are your wire recordings available for public download?"

710. "It's called a podcast.

711. I'd get with the times. I can't hold your hand every day."

712. Speaking of which, back to it.

713. Stop messing around.

714. We've got some serious business to discuss.

715. - Here we go. Too right.

716. Listen up, fellas.

717. If you could be half animal, half human,

718. which animal would you be, and which half would you choose?

719. Animal, schmanimal.

720. End of that game. What's the point?

721. Excuse me for trying to make the meetings more fun.

722. Another thing that they do in comedy podcasts,

723. a lot of the time they'll make fun of each other.

724. 'Cause everyone loves that.

725. It's kind of like bullying. Remember how funny that was in school?

726. - So...

727. Hughie doesn't like being called a caveman,

728. so I thought, "Let the ribbing commence."

729. Now this shipment comes in on Friday.

730. That's only five more sleeps.

731. If the police find out,

732. then we're all going down for a long, long time.

733. Did you understand that, Hughie, you bloody caveman?

734. Call me a caveman again, you wanker...

735. Put your gun away.

736. Snog, marry, avoid. Hillary Clinton—

737. Say your prayers!

738. Say your prayers, mate!

739. Say your prayers!

740. Say your prayers! Say your prayers! Say your prayers!

741. When it kicks off, I tend to shout out "say your prayers" a lot.

742. Say your prayers, man!

743. You better say your prayers right now!

744. Silence!

745. I would probably be half flamingo,

746. but I'm not fussed about which half.

747. Hands down the worst answer I've ever heard to that question.

748. James, stop name-calling. Understood?

749. No problemo.

750. Sorry, not flamingo, pelican.

751. I'd like to be half a pelican.

752. That's worse than flamingo, you fuckwit.

753. Watch your tone, Mr. Mason. You watch your tone.

754. Say your prayers, Mr. Mason!

755. - Say your prayers!

756. Say—! Say your prayers, man!

757. Say your prayers!

758. I'd start saying your prayers if I was you.

759. Got five seconds to say your prayers.

760. Say your prayers and make them loud so we can hear.

761. - Bow your heads, let's pray.

762. Divide into prayer groups and fucking pray.

763. Say your prayers!

764. Say your prayers!

765. Say your prayers!

766. Say your prayers!

767. Say your prayers!

768. Say your prayers!

769. Say your prayers! Say your prayers!

770. Recorded that during a rough patch.

771. It was really bad, man, actually.

772. She'd left me, the case was falling apart.

773. The captain was acting like a grade-A jerk.

774. I had a bit of a wobble.

775. That's normal, right? Isn't it? Having a wobble?

776. It's pretty normal.

777. I remember...

778. it was National Fondue Day again.

779. A year to the day.

780. I woke up, I knew it was gonna be a bad day.

781. My electric toothbrush died in my mouth that morning.

782. Not a good omen, is it?

783. Very few good days start with something dying in your mouth...

784. as a rule.

785. It was early in the morning,

786. but already I had a can of Dr Pepper in one hand,

787. and I'd like to say a cup of punch in the other.

788. It was a rough day. I was...

789. I was going ladle to mouth.

790. Pot of bread sauce bubbling away on the stove.

791. Wanted to try a reverse fondue.

792. You know when you dip solid cheese into liquid bread?

793. I don't know what I— I was tipsy as hell. I was...

794. I was blind tipsy.

795. I got in my car, and I just drove.

796. I didn't even know where I was gonna go.

797. I thought I might go to the seaside and cheer myself up

798. by having a go on— You know those pictures you put your head in?

799. A few. It's never everyone who knows what I mean when I say "pictures you—"

800. It's very hard to get it across, what I mean when I say that.

801. I mean, they've been around forever.

802. They predate all of you, pictures you put your head in.

803. You've all seen them. You've all—

804. Actually, I'm gonna say

805. you've all put your head in a picture you put your head in.

806. I'm pretty sure I'm— I'm on solid ground to say that.

807. No one knows what I'm talking about when I say pictures you put your head in,

808. because even though they've been around forever,

809. no one's named them yet. Why has no one named them yet?

810. There's no official name for them.

811. I had to come up with pictures you put your head in myself.

812. I brainstormed that on a train.

813. That's not a real official thing.

814. It's 'cause no one ever talks about them.

815. Admit it, this is the longest you've ever heard anyone

816. talk about pictures you put your head in.

817. So taboo this section of the show.

818. Pictures you put your head in.

819. I feel like you still don't know what I'm talking about.

820. They were invented in the olden times by an artist who couldn't do faces.

821. Does that help anyone? Pictures you put your head in?

822. They're the opposite of masks. Does that help anyone at all?

823. The opposite of masks.

824. The drive to the seaside on your own

825. is the loneliest drive you'll ever do in your life.

826. You want to have your friends and family in the car for that drive.

827. You get to the point in the journey

828. where you can see the sea for the first time,

829. you get to announce it to the rest of the car.

830. You point at it strong and true and say in a clear voice,

831. "I can see the sea."

832. Everyone's like...

833. "Yeah, yeah.

834. That is the sea. There was a few false alarms early in the journey.

835. We got overexcited by the sky.

836. - But that is the sea this time."

837. It's easy when you seem them side by side, isn't it? It's easier.

838. When you're on your own, you look out the window

839. and the sea just looks back at you like...

840. "Who's gonna believe you, mate?"

841. It's gutting. I love saying "I can see the sea."

842. There's very few opportunities you get to say it.

843. You can say it when you can see the sea.

844. Maybe during an eye test.

845. I was walking up and down the pier,

846. trying to find a decent picture you put your head in that I could put my head in.

847. Most of them were in use. Fair play, popular product.

848. There was one that was free.

849. A little kiddie's one.

850. Head hole still the same size as for adults.

851. You read into that what you will.

852. It was a double-header.

853. A picture you put your heads in.

854. It was an old English bobby.

855. He was catching a burglar,

856. like a striped jumper and a swag bag.

857. As I went to put my head in—

858. - As I went to put my head...

859. in the holes, I'm looking at the cop and the robber.

860. I didn't know where to put my head. I've been undercover so long...

861. I don't know who I am anymore.

862. I know that no one knows who they are.

863. None of you lot know who you are, do you?

864. That's why we have to go out and buy mugs and fridge magnets

865. that have our Christian names written on them in calligraphy,

866. and then a paragraph underneath

867. about how wonderful everybody with that first name is.

868. "You're kind and sharing.

869. Greeting the dawn of each new day

870. with a heart full of optimism and eyes brimming with hope.

871. You're never untrue.

872. And those lucky enough to know you know they're fortunate

873. to have such a loyal and selfless friend."

874. Apparently that describes Bob Marley,

875. Bob Hoskins...

876. and Robert Mugabe.

877. One of those gentlemen swerved quite the bullet there.

878. When she kicked me out, she said, "I love you...

879. but I don't feel like I know you."

880. And that's also how I feel...

881. about Dr Pepper.

882. As I put my head in the policeman's head hole,

883. I thought about what she'd said, and I thought about her,

884. and I realized not only did I not know who I was anymore,

885. I don't know who she is either.

886. That's messed up. She's my wife. I should know who she is, right?

887. Do you ever get like that?

888. Do you ever wake up in the night, look at your partner asleep next to you?

889. You study their face as they sleep and think...

890. "Who are you?

891. What—? I don't even know you. How'd you get here?"

892. When I first met her, she was perfect.

893. I was at a party with my friend Daryl.

894. She walked in, I was like, "Daryl, you see that woman?

895. I'm gonna marry that woman."

896. Six months later, we were married.

897. It's the only time that's ever paid off for me. I used to say that a lot.

898. It was perfect. I opened up and let her in my life.

899. As the years went by, I dropped my guard more and more.

900. As soon as my guard was all the way down, she changed, overnight.

901. Undercover-copped me. I didn't like how it felt to be undercover-copped.

902. There's a point in every single undercover-cop case

903. where you're watching the target get suspicious.

904. They go crazy, they get paranoid,

905. reading too much into every detail of every day.

906. I got anxious, needy, and insecure.

907. You might be thinking, "Oh, just be yourself, mate.

908. Be yourself in a relationship."

909. What if they don't like you, man?

910. What if every relationship you've ever been in

911. is somebody slowly figuring out they didn't like you

912. as much as they hoped they would?

913. One day I'll have the guts to end the show there.

914. Just that line and then a blackout. I don't even bring the lights up.

915. You've got to find your way out in the dark.

916. With that wriggling around in your head. "Oh, I hope he's okay."

917. As I knelt there, I realized...

918. if you've got your head in a children's picture you put your head in...

919. for two...

920. and you're an adult...

921. you're on your own, and...

922. yeah, you're crying...

923. it looks really peculiar if no one's taking your photograph.

924. In the end, I just put my arm through the burglar's face hole

925. and took a selfie.

926. Needn't have bothered. Turns out if you are crying on your own

927. in a picture you put your head in, strangers will stop to take photos.

928. It's the lowest point in my life. I felt pathetic. Look at me.

929. I'm a undercover cop pretending to be a stand-up comedian.

930. The only thing lamer than that would be a stand-up comedian

931. pretending to be an undercover cop.

932. Imagine that loser.

933. Imagine him going on stage night after night,

934. claiming to a room full of people that he's something that he's clearly not.

935. Not just for one joke, by the way.

936. For a whole show.

937. At least I'm not that guy, going on stage night after night,

938. using the whole undercover-cop thing

939. as a way of talking about his own personal problems

940. he's been having this year.

941. And he thinks he's being all smart, disguising it in the subtext,

942. but there's this bit right at the end of the show

943. where it becomes painfully obvious what's happened to him this year.

944. And when that happened to him, he did what most people would do.

945. He started questioning himself. "Is it me?"

946. Overanalyzing who he was.

947. Worried that he spends most of his time pretending to be someone that he's not,

948. all over a woman who, at the end of the day,

949. just didn't understand him.

950. And yeah, it is quite petty to dwell

951. on an offhand remark made by a Pret A Manger employee.

952. - She can judge, but she doesn't know.

953. He might not know who he is, but...

954. he knows what he's too good for.

955. Is—? Obviously who—?

956. Who cares what—? It doesn't matter what she thinks.

957. It's about accepting yourself at the end of the day.

958. You focus on her 'cause it's easier.

959. Thanks for coming.

960. It's been a pleasure to talk to you all.

961. Uh, see you another time. My name...

962. is James Acaster.

963. Death comes to us all.