Jackass 3x7

1. Welcome to Jackass.

2. Welcome to Jackassun...

3. So we're in London,

4. getting ready for something called the Gumball Rally.

5. If you've seen the Burt Reynolds film called "The Cannonball Run"

6. it's kinda like that.

7. We're going from London to Russia and back.

8. It's over 3,000 miles in five days.

9. Sounds pretty nuts, but there's supposed

10. to be some insane parties at each hotel destination.

11. Also our fellow infants are just filthy stinkin' rich

12. and they're driving some of the world's most expensive,

13. fastest automobiles.

14. We got two cars:

15. one's a minivan for Tremaine and the crew,

16. and as for myself, Pontius, Steve-O,

17. and our Russian ambassador Dimitry,

18. we have this '89 beater Jaguar

19. with over 75,000 miles on it.

20. Why is your eye black?

21. Because Jeff hit me in my eye.

22. I just puked out my vocal cords.

23. - Is puking bad for your throat? - Yes, it's horrible for it.

24. We're going to the parking garage

25. where all the cars are held to see what types

26. - of automobiles are entered...

27. - Is this your ride? - Yeah.

28. So what does one of these go for?

29. - 50,000 quid. - 50,000 quid?

30. - 53,000. - So that's not too bad.

31. That car's only £53,000.

32. Somebody just told me that your car is a contender

33. for the most expensive one in this garage right now.

34. What is it worth?

35. - Um, dollars? 400,000. - Dollars.

36. What car are you driving?

37. Uh, Chrysler minivan, I think.

38. At this point in the race, we're not really sure

39. if we have a car, so everyone's putting

40. stickers on their car, so we're putting

41. stickers on ourselves, 'cause there's a very good

42. chance that we could be riding each other to Russia.

43. Thanks everyone for for coming.

44. We've got about 100 cars here.

45. All around the world, I think every country

46. in Europe sends one.

47. You know a little bit about what you're in for,

48. five mad days through 13 countries.

49. London to Russia and back.

50. A lot of you don't know exactly where you're going

51. at the moment, you know, roughly.

52. You're all gonna leave here now,

53. one by one, and you're gonna do a parade drive

54. literally just 50 meters down the road.

55. You'll get your mission pack for the day, and you'll

56. pick up your passports,

57. and we take it from there, basically.

58. Ferrari drivers, hands up.

59. Ferrari drivers, you're a bunch of wankers.

60. If I can just give you this, this is your mission pack.

61. - Thank you. - And if you make a right

62. to the righthand side is where you'll find your passports.

63. - Are you in the Jag? - Yeah...

64. That's a good motor, man. That's a good selection.

65. It kinda starts sketchy.

66. Yeah, they're really unreliable but you're gonna look...

67. That's great, going through Russia,

68. unreliable what you want.

69. No, you won't be going anywhere.

70. You'll be lucky to get to France.

71. This train is insane.

72. So then when we get to France,

73. how long will we be driving?

74. Five hours to Checkpoint Charlie.

75. What happens at Checkpoint Charlie?

76. It's a mere checkpoint, you're going on further.

77. This is endurance in every sense.

78. We drove our car onto a train

79. in England, which took us under

80. the English Channel into France.

81. I think we're gonna find out very, very soon

82. that the only place worse than England is France.

83. Whoa!

84. You see someone in a Ferrari,

85. you go up to 'em and you say, mmm,

86. weren't rich enough for a Lamborghini, were ya?

87. We're somewhere in Belgium

88. where we don't know where we are.

89. - Yeah?

90. - Right.

91. And... four.

92. Thank God, I'm thirsty.

93. I have a horrible habit of falling asleep while driving.

94. I am so scared that you're driving.

95. I was sitting here driving thinking, man, I'm really lucky

96. Dimitry's driving, and then I remembered,

97. damn, I'm driving.

98. And now we're scared.

99. - Yeah. - And you're driving.

100. Don't let me nap.

101. I know we're gonna die on this race,

102. but what I don't know is when.

103. We're right outside of Berlin.

104. It's around00 in the morning.

105. We've been up pretty much 24 hours straight

106. and we're going to a checkpoint.

107. We've been through England,

108. France, the Netherlands, Belgium, and now Germany.

109. This is our fifth country.

110. That skin is just riddled with urine.

111. - Oh, man.

112. You are nasty.

113. Film those guys.

114. Are those guys rich?

115. - Huh? - Keeping it real in Berlin.

116. The route was we're gonna cross the border there.

117. We meet the boys here.

118. "Bockwurst" is another name for penis in German.

119. We're at the Polish border.

120. About a two-mile long line of trucks.

121. And now it's time for Jaguar gymnastics.

122. We're here in "Kakabaskowowow,"

123. or Kotbaskowo.

124. And we're just leaving

125. Prze scie Graniczne.

126. We're in Poland on our way to Lithuania,

127. where we're gonna bed down for the night.

128. But God knows when we're gonna get there.

129. They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe.

130. I don't know what that means, but I like it.

131. Hey, pretty girls!

132. Those were the legendary Polish highway women.

133. I don't have a problem with Polish people,

134. but I had a big problem with their potato chips.

135. So rather than eat them...

136. How you doing? We need our mission pack, sir.

137. Here you go.

138. Thank you.

139. So we're in Malbork, Poland

140. and we're going to Lithuania.

141. And we're running six hours behind the pack.

142. This is just nuts.

143. - It's a funeral. - Oh, man.

144. You know what, start going around them.

145. Look, Dimitry's thinking about passing them.

146. I wanna pour some out for their dead homie.

147. Oh my God, what an ass, he's...

148. That's such bad karma right there.

149. Dude, what's so disrespectful

150. about barging around a funeral procession?

151. Let's gun it.

152. Hey, forget the directions,

153. we're taking the express straight to hell.

154. We made it so far as Eastern Poland,

155. and now it's time for Jaguar gymnastics.

156. Hup-up.

157. No hands.

158. Put it, get into neutral.

159. You would think that this next gymnastics event

160. would be impossible, but it's not.

161. Big smiles... Big smiles.

162. Hands up there, we pulled it.

163. Oh, my God.

164. That's some Gumball action.

165. Here's our passports,

166. and we're into Lithuania.

167. We've seen eight countries,

168. and finally, we're in Lithuania

169. at the Meridian Hotel.

170. God, dude, 34 hours straight, no one slept.

171. Except Sleep-O.

172. Ten minutes ago we got here. We haven't slept

173. since, I don't know, what, Berlin?

174. - Sleeping... - No, we didn't know

175. since we left.

176. Today is the serious leg, you should be able to do it

177. - in 10 hours. - 15 hours.

178. - Which means some of you

179. will do it in six hours, and some of you

180. will do it in 20 hours.

181. You've got two border crossings to get through,

182. Lithuania into Latvia, and Latvia into Russia.

183. Today we have a police escort

184. from here all the way to the border.

185. Once you get into Russia,

186. you will encounter military assistance.

187. Russia's no joke.

188. Jeff's neckerchief, though, is.

189. We get our packs as we— as we exit.

190. There's one place those people are sure to go, it's hell.

191. For practicing Communism for so many years.

192. His name is Liooony, if you were wondering.

193. We'll talk to him tonight and see if I can

194. ride with him a little bit.

195. What do you think of all these wankers

196. coming in your country?

197. What do you tell him to do now?

198. Jeff, you gonna film this?

199. There you go.

200. So we're in no man's land between

201. the Lithuanian-Latvian borders, and for some reason

202. the authorities aren't letting the Gumball cars through.

203. Hi, I'm Mr. America, welcome to Latvia.

204. L-A-T-V-I-J-A-S. Latvia.

205. A lotta people around this Latvia area

206. have been talking a lot of garbage

207. about the wrestling scene and who's the real king.

208. - One of them... - Did you just hit me?

209. is this young lady.

210. - No, don't do that.

211. I'm finished now, I've had it—

212. You got her!

213. Don't pull out that thing...

214. Give me a little tug.

215. So we've now been turned around because there's been

216. a string of hijackings up the road.

217. So we've been stuck at the Latvian border

218. for six hours, and the authorities

219. have seized people's passports,

220. so we can't enter, and no one can exit.

221. So this border for now is officially closed.

222. There's Mr. Powers standing right there in that white shirt

223. - with the black vest.

224. So the, uh, guy in the 18-wheeler

225. just found out that someone has his keys,

226. and he is really hot.

227. I wanna go home!

228. They're letting the Gumballers pass now.

229. - Sorry. - Hey, keep it

230. - between the ditches.

231. Well, we're finally entering Latvia.

232. Now we are pulling over in Latvia

233. waiting for Dimitry.

234. See, look at the Latvian's attitude.

235. They even hate asparagus.

236. "Falck aspargs".

237. Who has something against asparagus?

238. I think the one in the front says

239. "Falck broccoli."

240. Dimitry and the guys made it through,

241. and we are now going to travel into Latvia,

242. but we're traveling in packs of five or six because

243. there's been reports of cars being—

244. trying to be hijacked off the road,

245. some of the Gumballers.

246. This is officially getting sketchy.

247. This is like elephants walking through the jungle

248. holding each other's tails.

249. Dude, the chicks in Latvia are all pretty much hot.

250. The caravan has grown a little to eight or nine cars.

251. We need a bigger convoy than this.

252. - Oh, really? - He wants us lot

253. as a group to go back to the checkpoint,

254. get the rest of it, and then bypass this place...

255. It just gets better.

256. So we've now been turned around by one of the other Gumballers

257. 'cause there's been a string of hijackings up the road,

258. and we're going back to get everyone else

259. and go through as a bigger group.

260. Are you guys worried about the Latvian gangs?

261. Everyone's worried about the Latvian gangs.

262. Robbing us, I'm gonna join.

263. - If you wanna go— - What about if we pay

264. the cops off to escort us?

265. Look, we are telling you as the security for Gumball

266. - that you're to come with us. - Okay.

267. Right? That's what I'm telling you.

268. - That's it. - That's it.

269. If you wanna go and do something on your own back, that's fine.

270. Alright, I was just— I was just curious.

271. I think we should charge the border.

272. You think they're really gonna jack us

273. with 15 cars or more?

274. And some of us know karate?

275. What do you know about what's going on here?

276. Uh, why, is there stuff?

277. You have no clue

278. because all you do is sleep.

279. Well, when I'm in a car with no girls,

280. I don't see the...

281. You know...

282. Yesterday was hardcore, but this is—I mean,

283. - this is what it's about. - How many hours of sleep

284. are you working on? - Man, I've been

285. awake, um, pretty much since London.

286. You know what, let's just do it.

287. So we decided to go without security,

288. about seven or eight cars, because it's gonna take

289. around two hours or more for everyone to gas up

290. in the caravan of 40 to 50 to 60 people.

291. So we're driving into the night in Latvia.

292. Oh, we're lost, we're in Malta,

293. the town where everyone got carjacked in.

294. It's confirmed by the guy up there, four people

295. got jacked, and they took their cars and their money.

296. I'm Latvian gangster,

297. give me your car and money please.

298. The good news is we're near the Russian border.

299. Whoever thought we'd be happy to see Russia?

300. So we made it through the Russian border

301. without a hitch, whereas it took

302. six hours to get through the Latvian border.

303. Now we're gonna pull over and try to get some food.

304. - This is Ilyohan...

305. Loma...

306. - Petra. - Pe-Petra?

307. My Russian friends, he's treated us to vodka

308. and laxatives all night.

309. I'm sure he's just destroying me in Russian.

310. Russia's gonna be brilliant.

311. I love my Russian friends.

312. Ilyohan, Loma, and Petra.

313. We drank lots of vodka together.

314. Alright, we're going to St. Petersburg.

315. On a lonely, desolate Russian highway.

316. Is that the Russian police?

317. We are... so very far.

318. We are right behind you.

319. Don't hit the brake, just slow down.

320. We're supposed to have an agreement with the authorities

321. about traveling through Russia.

322. Oh, I think they tried to stop 'em with that blinder

323. and they didn't stop, so they're really pissed.

324. Russian police are stern.

325. Stern, but fair.

326. We're being pulled over.

327. How many times we been pulled over in Russia, Dimitry?

328. I think, uh, three or four or something... Four.

329. Russian police, stern.

330. Stern, but fair.

331. - Oh... - God.

332. There's three lanes of traffic on that side.

333. People must die daily on this road.

334. So it's now00 in the morning

335. and we're in St. Petersburg, Russia.

336. We've been driving for 24 hours now,

337. so in the last 60, we've slept two

338. and... we should be going to our hotel right now to rest,

339. but our visa's for one day in Russia, so we have to

340. get the hell out of here.

341. , man, I'm exhausted.

342. I was just talking to these guys,

343. they said, did you just get in?

344. I was like, yeah, we just got here.

345. They go, you look fresh as a daisy.

346. People moan that there's no sleep, but there's...

347. they're on—they're on a Gumball Rally.

348. What the do we do?

349. Max, we're dying here, we're dying.

350. Keep driving.

351. It's a hard drive, you know?

352. It's a four and a half hour drive, and you've got

353. seven hours to get there.

354. We're thinking about staying on,

355. getting fed tomorrow.

356. Yeah, but our visas are only for today.

357. They're trying to get an extension at the front.

358. 'Cause we can get another ferry to the next place,

359. so instead of spending another day driving—

360. thank you—you can just meet them up tomorrow.

361. I can't do anymore, right? I just can't.

362. - You're staying? - We're thinking.

363. But the thing about it, there may not be a ferry

364. tomorrow because of May Day.

365. You know what, let's just get some —

366. I'm gonna be really controversial here, guys:

367. - I think we should go. - I think we should go.

368. I think we should go.

369. We had a lovely breakfast in St. Petersburg,

370. went to the restroom, and now we're off

371. to Helsinki, it's another...

372. four to five hours,

373. which is 10 to 12 Gumball time.

374. The Russian police.

375. Stern. Stern, but fair.

376. And now we're off to Finland.

377. - Aw, jeez. - How fast were you going?

378. Between 140 to 150. Most proud.

379. Hey, dude. Smell my head.

380. It's gonna getcha. It's gonna getcha.

381. It's gonna getcha.

382. Will you teach me some Russian?

383. How do you say, "Do you want to wrestle naked tonight?"

384. Now we're about to enter Finland

385. and do some serious partying.

386. - That is so lame.

387. Steve-O, you're so lame, that's not even funny.

388. Go to Helsinki.

389. Steve-O hasn't done anything

390. but sleep this whole trip, so Pontius is going to

391. give him a little wakeup.

392. - What happened? - you, dude.

393. you is what happened.

394. So we loaded all the cars onto a ferry boat

395. in Helsinki, Finland, on our way to Stockholm, Sweden.

396. In three days, we slept two hours.

397. We're gonna go now eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet

398. and then drink, a lot.

399. Pull my finger.

400. So I heard you and Liooony got in a little accident.

401. Right.

402. Oh, jeez. How fast were you going?

403. Between 140 and 150. Most proud.

404. "Ohh, my bloody ear!"

405. Did your ear get severed?

406. Yeah, it's come off a little bit,

407. so they've kind of sewn it back on there.

408. I did not come on a cruise ship

409. to lollygag.

410. I came on a cruise ship to party.

411. What're we gonna do to this guy?

412. A little banana massage isn't much to ask for.

413. Go, go, go.

414. I would like to know why I have two frickin' knees.

415. - How did you get

416. - those two knees? - I don't know.

417. - You got 'em today though. - Yeah.

418. - Nobody knows how he got 'em. - I got 'em on a cruise ship.

419. Welcome to Sweden.

420. There's no Steve-O.

421. Hey, you feel like going Copenhagen, maybe?

422. - Why don't we go to Copenhagen? - Yeah, let's do that.

423. Come on! Sleep-O, let's go.

424. Steve-O just couldn't be bothered

425. to wake up this morning, couldn't be bothered.

426. How the was I supposed to know—

427. I woke you up an hour ago saying come, get out of bed,

428. and you started to get out of bed.

429. - I did. - An hour later...

430. How was I supposed to know anything—

431. you're still in bed all cuddled up.

432. - I need Sleep-O. - All snuggie.

433. - You idiot. - Sleep-O.

434. Who do you like better, Pontius,

435. Sleep-O or Steve-O?

436. I don't like either.

437. When he's asleep, I wish he was awake.

438. When he's awake, I wish he was asleep.

439. He's a piece of crap.

440. So apparently last ni—

441. Oh, dude!

442. Hi, Steve-O, my name is Jake,

443. I'm from MTV Europe, I wanna ask you

444. some questions about the Gumball.

445. So is this your first Gumball?

446. - Mmm, I see.

447. Now have you met any interesting people

448. while here on the Gumball?

449. Ah, you don't say!

450. No, really, you don't.

451. Well, it was nice talking to you

452. and I wish you the best of luck,

453. and we'll see you back in England, yeah?

454. Alright, mate, cheerio.

455. We're in some castle in Sweden where people are skidding around

456. on the dirt, and there's a bunch of old ladies

457. dressed as older ladies.

458. What were ladies in the 16th century like?

459. Uhh, we were, um...

460. Slutty?

461. Depends what you mean by slutty.

462. This is smoked whitefish on toast.

463. It's disgusting.

464. - What do we have here? - Here we have sandwich,

465. Bleak Roe, it's disgusting.

466. This is cheese pâté.

467. It's disgusting, I hate it.

468. Scandinavian food is kind of crappy.

469. But the women are great.

470. - Hey! - Just off.

471. - What do you mean? - off is what I mean.

472. There's a moat, there's a moat, there's a moat.

473. So go jump in it, you.

474. So I guess Knoxville is riding to Copenhagen with those guys.

475. So are we ever gonna see you again?

476. Probably not.

477. Why not do it yourself?

478. My name is... Iggy the Clown.

479. - What's your name, sir? - Richie Rich.

480. What kind of car is this?

481. It's, uh, like a BMW 850i It's a V12.

482. If I puke, you can be sure it's gonna go on Skinny.

483. So the car flashes. There's cops up ahead.

484. Yeah, they're telling us to slow down.

485. Here's the cops.

486. - Hello. - What's that for?

487. Guv'ner, it's a big one.

488. The reason I'm driving is because Skinny's license

489. was too big.

490. The policeman said, "No, I'm sorry, this is too big.

491. You will have to ride in the back."

492. Oh, boy. So at the...

493. Denmark border, they have a speed trap

494. And there's about 15 cars that just got caught.

495. What do you think of the Gumball? Really?

496. Gave him a little present.

497. Tonight's gonna be so fun.

498. Why, what's going on tonight?

499. It's gonna be a big party.

500. With lots of hot chicks.

501. Maybe some of 'em will have a future...

502. And then they'll give up their bodies.

503. You think they will?

504. I wish life was like a porno movie.

505. I'll try to get you there.

506. Pull of the road.

507. Dimitry, Get over!

508. I got a ticket with the license plate.

509. F-U—E-D.

510. The guy asked me if it was real?

511. And I said, I didn't know, it wasn't my car.

512. I went, yes, I looked round and he'd written that.

513. I said I think the police officer is definitely.

514. Big change in plan, I know some of you

515. have heard about it already. And that is

516. we're not finishing in London.

517. The reason being we're banned from London.

518. We're gonna be an hour out of London

519. and Lord Montagu Beaulieu's house

520. which is at Beaulieu.

521. Smoking!

522. The party's over.

523. We're now leaving Copenhagen for the ride back to London.

524. Some people say it takes ten hours, some 14.

525. But I think 20.

526. - That's your car. - Yeah.

527. No, don't start saying that's you, that's us.

528. - What is that? - What is what?

529. That's a booger.

530. Look at all these people up here?

531. I take it not a lot goes on in Denmark.

532. We already embarked on like the gnarliest day of driving.

533. - No, it's not the gnarliest. - The second gnarliest

534. day of driving?

535. No, probably the third gnarliest.

536. "Nut shoved."

537. Middelfart.

538. I gotta really touch up on my German.

539. Yeah, Yeah.

540. Oh, yeah, Danke schoön.

541. What the did he just say?

542. Whoo!

543. Hey, what country am I in?

544. USA! USA! USA!

545. USA!

546. Look how many cars we've passed.

547. We're still going.

548. I can try to get you there.

549. Dimitry, Dimitry! Get over!

550. - Dude!

551. Dude, you almost just clipped that truck.

552. What's that right there, baby?

553. - Belgium. - "Belgie."

554. We're right near the E40 but we

555. can't get on anywhere, and we just ended up

556. in some hole place, like a cow farm.

557. There is a freeway, all right?

558. There's a little problem.

559. We gotta go towards Amsterdam, though, look.

560. - We are there. - Yeah, but now it says

561. the sign for Bad Bentheim.

562. We gotta go towards Apeldoorn, and it's that way, it's west.

563. We're going east.

564. Thanks, Dimitry, now we're not gonna win.

565. We just lost, like, two hours.

566. What's the point of driving that fast

567. if we're going the wrong way?

568. That's the point.

569. What's going on?

570. Pontius, Pontius just licked Steve-O's toe.

571. Excuse me, Miss?

572. Uh, do you know where the Gumball party is?

573. Okay, I don't think they speak English.

574. Finally, we've arrived in Beaulieu, England.

575. And it looks like we didn't win.

576. So six days later, 3,000 miles.

577. 106 cars started.

578. 85 are still in it.

579. Basically everyone who took part in running,

580. I decided to give them all

581. something for their achievement.

582. I waited for you.

583. All right, man, I'm gonna go sleep, I think.

584. - Good. - I'm exhausted.

585. I'm glad you survived.

586. I didn't expect you to come back.

587. I expected to lose after you got in the Lithuania lap.

588. But, oh, well, I tried.

589. So we just completed 3600 miles in five days.

590. I thought we were gonna drive

591. you know, a few hours a day, 10/12 hours.

592. Party all night. Wake up, drive a little more.

593. Another party, but it wasn't like that at all.

594. Highlights were, I don't know—

595. Tim Powers at the Latvian border was pretty good.

596. Shane was pretty brilliant, but unfortunately

597. we couldn't air most of his exploits.

598. The Polish hookers were pretty good too.

599. But we had to drive by them so fast.

600. But we'll make up for it next year

601. because Gumball is coming to America.

602. New York to L.A.

603. I am the winner, you know that?

604. - Are you? - Yeah, I'm the number one, man.

605. It was horrible...

606. I hated all the countries. I didn't like the other racers.

607. I never really wanted to go to these countries.

608. They seem like bad places to me.

609. Thought the people were ugly.

610. They didn't even know who I was.

611. Gumball's a good thing.

612. It's a complete...

613. It's like aristocratic delinquency.

614. They get rolled in a Ferrari,

615. and have stitches holding their ear on.

616. They literally leave the Ferrari upside down in the field

617. and just continue on Gumball

618. in the spirit of true raging.

619. I mean, you cannot rage harder than Gumball.

620. So awesome.