It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x8

1. Oh, my God, dude!

2. There is definitely a helicopter pad on the roof of this building.

3. No, there isn't, Charlie. - Yes, there is.

4. Every single one of these corporate buildings has a helipad on the roof.

5. Charlie is right. There's always some big boss man fat cat

6. that needs to be able to escape by helicopter.

7. - What is he escaping from? - Secret tunnels then.

8. - Secrets tunnels? There are no... - A monorail system and a helipad.

9. - Guys! Can we stop arguing? - There are two systems.

10. I don't wanna talk to this corporate drone any longer than we have to.

11. We're split on the helicopters. We'll come back to secret tunnels.

12. - That was an excellent idea. - We'd better.

13. But we can all agree we should at least hear this guy out.

14. - I guess. Yeah, sure. - Let's hear the guy out.

15. We'll hear him out. We're agreed. Sir, please continue.

16. Okay. Right...

17. As I was saying, when I went down to your bar the other day,

18. nobody appeared to be working there.

19. There were people there, but they were just customers

20. who seemed to be serving themselves.

21. We're out and about a lot. Get to the point.

22. Well, we here at Media Restaurant Group

23. really think that the location of your bar would be a perfect spot

24. for one of our Oldies Rock Cafés.

25. - Shit, dude, how do I explain this? - I don't know.

26. This bar, it's who we are. All right?

27. It's all we've got. You wouldn't understand that.

28. You corporate pigs think you can just buy everything.

29. - You can't buy everything. - We know your kind.

30. You big businesses going all over town swallowing up the small guys.

31. Well, guess what, pal... Paddy's Pub can't be bought.

32. Okay. Well, if you would just please take a look at our offer.

33. Yeah, man. We'll take a look at it, but...

34. Sold!

35. There is no way I'm selling the bar.

36. It's time for a life of leisure, buddy.

37. It's time to retire and collect that pension.

38. Think of all the money we're gonna get.

39. - What are you talking about? - The money from selling the bar.

40. We could retire to an island. We'll all get fat and tan.

41. - Dee, you're not gonna get shit. - No.

42. We're the shareholders. You own nothing.

43. Are you serious? I have been with you since the very beginning.

44. I would think of Paddy's as an Enron-type situation.

45. We're gonna cut and run, and leave you out there broke and jobless.

46. It's nothing personal. It's just business.

47. It does not matter one bit because I'm not selling the bar anyway.

48. - Just take a look. - What is that?

49. That's the offer.

50. Let's sell this piece-of-shit bar. (cheering)

51. Really? Just like that? - See ya later, piece of shit!

52. Wait just one second. We have to milk this cow for all she's worth.

53. We need to be wooed.

54. Yeah, I could go for being wooed.

55. - I'd love to be wooed. - I could go for some wood.

56. - No. We're saying "wooed". - Yeah.

57. We'll get some wood.

58. We'll build something cool. Then we'll go get the money.

59. That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about.

60. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy.

61. - Dennis, just... - It's a waste of time?

62. How are you gonna be wood?

63. Let's just go and sell this bar for everything we can get.

64. Let's do it, boys. Let's go!

65. Wait a second. What the hell am I supposed to do?

66. Don't give a shit. (exasperated sigh)

67. Hi. I need to apply for a job.

68. Right. Just fill out this application,

69. and I'll put it in the stack wit the others.

70. - Dee? Hey. - Hi.

71. Are you applying for a job here?

72. - Here? - Yeah.

73. What, are you crazy? Gross. No, I would never work here.

74. I'm working here.

75. Yeah. I'm assistant-managing.

76. I thought you worked at the coffee shop.

77. I do still, but a Starbucks moved in across the street,

78. and they're stealing all our business.

79. Right across the street? Well, that is good to know. I love Starbucks.

80. Oh. (chuckles)

81. - That's why I'm working here. - Do you think you can get me a job?

82. Here? I thought you weren't applying.

83. No, that was a lie.

84. - Oh. - Here's my application.

85. - Okay. You didn't fill it out yet. - I know. You do it.

86. I don't mind. I'm gonna grab a beer while you're doing that.

87. Come get me and give me all my stuff, and I'll start.

88. Thank you so much. This is awesome.

89. Did you go to high school or...

90. So, you guys ready to sell?

91. Whoa, whoa, whoa, pal. Listen. We have terms.

92. - Okay. What are your terms? - We'd like a plaque.

93. Of us, to be hung in the new restaurant

94. to pay tribute and preserve our legacy.

95. It could also be a statue, okay? Something real classy though.

96. Something like where those American soldiers

97. are raising that flag up in that one war.

98. - The war where we saved Japan. - Oh, correct. Hiroshima.

99. Actually, Charlie, it wasn't Hiroshima.

100. I'm pretty sure Hiroshima's in Japan.

101. We dropped a nuclear bomb on Japan.

102. Why the hell did we drop a nuclear bomb on Japan?

103. They make all our cars. They're our friends.

104. Not my car. I buy American.

105. American cars are pieces of shit. Everybody knows it.

106. You're making a big mistake. Japan makes the best. And Germany.

107. The problem with Germany is they don't make enough hybrids.

108. (all arguing) Excuse me. Excuse me.

109. - Excuse me! - What?

110. - Is that it? - Not even close.

111. It's the tip of the iceberg.

112. We also wanna be the ones to blow up the bar.

113. - I'm sorry? - Don't worry.

114. We've already worked out everyone's part.

115. Mac's gonna hold the spool. Charlie's gonna do the countdown.

116. Frank and I, we're gonna push the handle down... Kablowie.

117. - And I want the chopper. - No! No! No! No!

118. Excuse me, sir. I would like a helicopter flyby.

119. I don't need to be in it. I just want your corporate chopper

120. to fly by my apartment window real low and fast.

121. Okay, you know what, here's what I'm gonna do.

122. I'm gonna pull the deal off the table.

123. Fine. Then... we'll go with the original offer.

124. No.

125. Something a little less than the original offer. Less money?

126. We would accept something substantially less.

127. I'm gonna go ahead and offer you nothing.

128. You promised that you would not bring up the helicopter.

129. You're not the boss of me, so quit...

130. Technically, I am the boss of you because I own half your shares.

131. Since when?

132. You sold me half your shares of the bar for goods and services.

133. Wait. You've definitely given me half your shares too.

134. Maybe I gave you a couple shares when my back was against the wall

135. and I needed a little breathing room.

136. You gave me a shitload of shares for a half a sandwich.

137. What are you guys doing? A hose job where you're hosing me down?

138. - You hosed yourself down. - You hosed yourself up and down.

139. - What do you want me to do? - I don't care.

140. - Get a job. - Oh, get a job? Just get a job?

141. Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon

142. and fire off into job-land where jobs grow on jobbies?

143. Now we're wasting time. Will you get outta here?

144. I'm walking. I can't stand you guys.

145. Now that we got rid of dead weight, let's come up with a strategy.

146. - What's your plan? - I'm thinking...

147. If this fat cat is not gonna woo us, then we gotta woo him.

148. I thought you guys were taking me to dinner.

149. Come on. Who doesn't like to watch a naked woman swing 'round on a pole?

150. - Gay man, for one. - Huh?

151. - I'm gay. - No.

152. You're so big and tough. You do not come across as gay.

153. - You don't look like a gay guy. - That's 'cause he's a bear.

154. - Huh? - He's a bear.

155. Some gay guys are twinks and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear.

156. By the way, we're totally cool with that. To each his own.

157. Wait. I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?

158. A twink is small and slender, like Mac.

159. No. I'm too muscular. I'd be a bear.

160. Don't think so. Not hairy enough.

161. Smooth. I would be a bear.

162. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either.

163. I don't know what you would be. You're definitely not a twink.

164. - I'd be a top. That's for sure. - Maybe.

165. Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?

166. I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth,

167. but I think more often than not bears are tops.

168. - Unless they're power bottoms. - What's a power bottom?

169. A power bottom is a bottom

170. that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.

171. Actually, you got it backwards.

172. A power bottom's generating all the power by doing most of the work.

173. Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?

174. Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.

175. Speed has everything to do with it.

176. The speed of the bottom informs the top

177. how much pressure he's supposed to apply.

178. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?

179. Goddamn it.

180. Now that you have your silverware all set out,

181. you're gonna need to refill all the ketchup bottles in your sections.

182. That sounds like a whole thing. Know what I'll do?

183. If they start to get empty, I'll grab some from other tables.

184. No, because then someone else is doing your work for you.

185. - Yeah, which makes my job easier. - That's not how we do it here.

186. You actually have to follow the rules. We're very strict.

187. Which means you probably shouldn't be drinking beer while...

188. You should get used to it because I'm doing it anyway.

189. Dee. Perfect. There you are. Look, I need a...

190. Hello. This is a surprising turn.

191. - Hello, Charlie. - How you doin'? This is good.

192. - You working here or... - Look at you. You cracked the case.

193. - Why are you here then? - Kinda hit rock bottom. Need a job.

194. Dee, can you hook me up with a job here?

195. I've been here for two hours. Talk to the manager.

196. - You're the manager. Good for you. - Thanks.

197. Not an easy accomplishment. So, job?

198. I don't think so. You're pretty weird.

199. You make me feel uncomfortable and you smell really bad.

200. You say that, but I don't... I don't see it.

201. Look, when I'm at work, I am all about work. Right, Dee?

202. - Really does clean a mean toilet. - I'll sparkle it.

203. Fine. Okay, fine. I will give you a job.

204. You can be the assistant sanitation apprentice.

205. Oho! Nice. What does that guy do?

206. That guy is gonna clean up vomit and shit, and put out grease fires.

207. Sold. Dee, get me a beer.

208. - You can't drink on the job. - You can get your own beer.

209. I gotta get a beer to take the edge off

210. and then I'll get started doin' the fires or whatever you want me to.

211. - Hey. You need to talk to me? - Dee, yeah.

212. One of the bills you dropped on one of your tables was the wrong one.

213. No. I double-dropped it. I used to do it at Paddy's all the time.

214. I use the same bill for two tables and pocket the cash for the other.

215. - That's stealing. - I know.

216. We're sticking it to those corporate bastards, aren't we?

217. - We're not doing anything. - Okay. That's rude.

218. If they find out I know that you're doing this, I'm gonna lose my job.

219. I'm not asking you to do much.

220. Just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.

221. No. I need this job.

222. - Wow. Fine. Fine. - Okay.

223. - I do. - Okay.

224. I have no idea why Dennis thinks you're so cool.

225. Did you say Dennis thinks I'm cool?

226. What's that?

227. Did you say Dennis thinks I'm cool?

228. He thinks you're really cool, but he's my brother,

229. so we recap the day with each other.

230. When I tell him about this, I feel like he's gonna be...

231. You don't need to tell him that this happened.

232. Because if you tell him that I'm cool, then...

233. maybe we can forget that this whole thing ever happened.

234. - Deal. - Deal.

235. Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt. Dee, let's talk sugars for a second.

236. You got a sugar crisis on your tables.

237. Those little sugar-holder things, they don't refill themselves.

238. We're doing the work for you and you're making your manager look bad.

239. - Thanks, Charlie. - No sweat.

240. It's a team effort out there, right? You gotta pick up your slack.

241. Otherwise, we're doing all the work for you.

242. You're getting a little close.

243. I was just stretching out and maybe you leaned in.

244. I don't think so, but let's not let that happen again.

245. Didn't mean to do anything inappropriate. I was trying to help.

246. - Okay, back to work, everyone. - Back to work, everybody.

247. - Back to work. - Back to work.

248. Will you please drop the act?

249. She is not into you and you're making me look bad.

250. You're making yourself look bad. Your tables are pathetic, Dee.

251. - You're not gonna impress her. - We'll see.

252. (doo-wop vocalizing) Yeah.

253. - Oh! He's still got it.

254. What is going on here, Frank? Who are these guys?

255. These are the Yellow Jacket boys, my old street gang from the '50s.

256. What exactly are your old, pathetic friends doing here?

257. The corporate guy decided to buy the bookstore down the block.

258. So me and the boys thought we'd do a little loitering.

259. That's dumb. That is a dumb, stupid, dumb idea. Dumb.

260. No, Dennis, it's not that dumb of an idea.

261. If we can establish there's a seedy element outside of the bookstore,

262. maybe the offer comes back to us.

263. - Exactly. - You guys do whatever you want.

264. I'm going back to that Oldies Rock Café and get Charlie and Dee back.

265. If we're not gonna sell the bar,

266. we at least need them here cleaning our toilets and serving us our beer.

267. Great. Frank, please tell me you have another one of those jackets.

268. Not for you, bitch.

269. What the hell are you doing here?

270. We want you guys to come back because they pulled out of the sale.

271. So you screw me over to sell the bar and then you blow it.

272. Now you want me to come back just to serve you drinks and not pay me.

273. Is that a yes or... What is that?

274. That's a no, dick. I am very happy here.

275. I will have you know I am taking this place up the butt

276. with a little scheme I like to call Dee's Double Drop.

277. - You're doing it here too? - You know about this?

278. Oh, yeah. We always used to take the difference out of your purse.

279. Are there always this many chicks here?

280. Yeah. College crowd. - Oh, college chicks. I like that.

281. Tell you what. Why don't you get me a job as a bartender here?

282. No. Screw you. I'm not helping you.

283. - Why wouldn't you help me? - What are you talking about?

284. - How is it not obvious? - It's not obvious to me at all.

285. You are stupid. You are straight-up stupid.

286. Why am I talking to you about this anyway? You're just an underling.

287. - Let me talk to a manager. - I think that's a very good idea.

288. Why don't you take this application and go to the back office?

289. I'll send themanager right in to you.

290. - All right. Back here? - Back there.

291. You son of a bitch.

292. Hey. Sorry for keeping you waiting. It's busy out there tonight.

293. So, Charlie Kelly. Nice to meet you.

294. I understand you're looking for a bartending position.

295. What the hell you doin'? You're the manager here now?

296. Things move very quickly at the Oldies Rock Café.

297. May I? I need to look over your forms here.

298. I think I'll just... Can I just take a quick peek at that? Thank you.

299. Let's take a little look-see here. Okay. Good.

300. Good, good. This all looks good.

301. - So, tell me about Paddy's Pub. - Are you kidding me?

302. I think I need to know what your duties were.

303. - I'm not answering any... - Did you do anything there?

304. I am not gonna answer any of your questions. Just give me a job.

305. Really. Well, does not respond well to authority. Noted.

306. Goddamn it. Goddamn you.

307. Language is a bit of an issue here at the Oldies Rock Café.

308. Charlie! What are you doing in my office?

309. - A little research. - Are you... Dennis.

310. - Hey. - Hi.

311. Wow, look at you. You look... Lookin' good.

312. Okay.

313. - Are you the manager? - Yes.

314. First of all, let me just apologize to you for never calling you back.

315. And secondly, I'm here because I'm looking for a bartending job.

316. Oh, well, maybe I should then...

317. - I'll go and just get your... - Get me a uniform?

318. Is that what you were gonna say? We said the same thing earlier.

319. - Off you go. - Okay. (chuckling)

320. - What is her name again? - I hate you.

321. That was a knock, man.

322. This isn't very intimidating, Frank.

323. Don't worry. We're sending out a strong message, Mac.

324. Hey, look, kids. It's a '50s doo-wop group.

325. What? No, we're not a '50s doo-wop group.

326. - Would you sing us a song? - We don't sing, guy.

327. Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing. We'll sing for you. Right, boys?

328. - You guys sing? - Of course we sing. We're a gang.

329. - No, no! Gangsters don't sing! - What are you talking about?

330. Ever hear of gangster rap?

331. We're not gonna intimidate anybody

332. f we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood.

333. Are you kidding me? Listen to this.

334. (pitch pipe) One, two, three.

335. Goddamn it!

336. (continues) Goddamn it!

337. Lick 'em and stick 'em, ladies!

338. - Whoo! - Excuse me.

339. You know what? You are not allowed to drink on the job.

340. - What are you doing? - I'm a bartender. I drink.

341. That's against the rules.

342. We're not actually following the rules, are we?

343. Cocktail, can I get those drinks before my shift ends?

344. Sorry. I've been so busy getting so many phone numbers.

345. Yeah, what's that all about?

346. While you've been picking up bar whores,

347. I have been double-dropping like a bastard out there.

348. - You're double-dropping again? - I never stopped it.

349. - That is unbelievable. - What are you on about?

350. I thought we were sticking it to the man.

351. I am not sticking it to anyone.

352. This is my job. I have to report you two.

353. Wow. (mocking chatter)

354. This tattletale business is very ugly, isn't it, Dennis?

355. - Yeah. - You know what, Dennis?

356. I took a chance giving you a job here and you're screwing me over.

357. Why are you being so needy?

358. Do you realize how unattractive that is?

359. Don't you wanna be attractive to me? Come on.

360. All right, ladies. Who wants to do a shot off my abs?

361. What's goin' on over there? Are you all right?

362. I'm not all right. Dennis and Dee are being complete ass-faces.

363. I gave them a chance to work here.

364. They're stealing from the restaurant and I'm gonna get fired.

365. - What? They're stealing? - Yes.

366. I will take care of Dennis and Dee for you, all right?

367. I will rid you of those two jerks.

368. - Really? - Yes.

369. Thanks, Charlie. That's really nice of you.

370. Hey, how about a hug to cheer you up?

371. Well, a quick one.

372. Oh, for real? Oh, man.

373. - Okay. That's good. - Doesn't it feel right?

374. That felt good. No. Thank you.

375. - Why are you so sweaty? - It's really hot in here.

376. - It's not hot. It's freezing. - It is freezing, isn't it?

377. They're blazing that A.C.

378. All right, listen, Yellow Jackets. Just let me do the talking.

379. I'm gonna let my blade do the talkin'.

380. Jesus Christ, Frank! No blades. Okay?

381. We're just sending him a message.

382. If he doesn't buy the bar, then there's gonna be trouble.

383. You bet. (clears throat)

384. What are you people doing at my house?

385. - Actually, sir, we're here to talk. - I'm not buying your bar.

386. Look, pal, you'd better not mess with us.

387. You see Hawky over here?

388. He's crazy. I'm not sure what he's capable of.

389. Is that right? You got something to say, old man?

390. (body thuds on ground) Good night.

391. I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day... nine.

392. - Nine? Come on. - What do you think?

393. - Six strawberry margaritas, please. - You got it, babe.

394. Don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer.

395. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses.

396. - What? You told on us? - Babe, don't do that to me.

397. I feel like we were getting so close, sweet baby.

398. - He doesn't even know your name. - Yes, I do.

399. - What's my name? What is it? - Beautiful.

400. - Oh, my God. You're a dick. - I called you that all the time.

401. Would you not want to be called beautiful?

402. One of you guys the one who called me?

403. Right here. These are the two that were stealing.

404. Wait a minute. I know you. And you.

405. You own that dive bar down the street.

406. You're the corporate dude with the helicopter.

407. Here's the thing. I had a really strange night last night.

408. Your friends and their doo-wop group

409. showed up at my house and attacked me.

410. One of them died on my doorstep and it sort of put me in a funk.

411. So I'm gonna clean house and you're all fired.

412. - What? - Yeah. You guys are all fired.

413. I'm not fired. I'm not fired, right?

414. - Did you hire these people? - She sure did.

415. She hired me.

416. Then clearly you're an idiot because these people are psychopaths.

417. But, no, you're not fired. I'm just kidding. You are.

418. - Get the hell out of my restaurant. - Psychotic. Come on.

419. Goddamn it, Charlie! Really?

420. How am I gonna pay for my rent next month?

421. - Don't worry. Come live with me. (shrieks) - Go to hell!

422. She is strung up supertight.

423. You guys wanna do some farewell shots?

424. - Absolutely, buddy. - Here we go.

425. Hawky lived a fast, hard life.

426. Some stars shine so bright that they burn out before their time.

427. We're gonna miss you, Hawky.

428. - Okay. You ready, boys? - Yeah.