It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x4

1. Great set of knives. Where did you get it?

2. This old magician was unloading it.

3. - They're magical trick knives? - The knives are real.

4. They're real, but used for magical tricks.

5. They're sharp too. I'll show you.

6. Dee, can you get up against the wall? I'm gonna...

7. - You're not throwing them at me. - Let's throw it anyway.

8. - Start running. We're coming. - No! My God. Don't you dare.

9. - Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... - No!

10. Okay! Listen up, everybody!

11. - We're doing something important! - I got news!

12. - Your mother is dead! (laughs) - Sure. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.

13. I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift.

14. She's as dead as disco.

15. Who wants champagne?

16. I am so sorry. My apologies. I'm so busy today. Good to see all of you.

17. It's all right, sir. Don't worry about it.

18. Is it now a good time for some words about my adorable mother?

19. No. Just get to the reading part.

20. - Let's get on with it. Let's go. - All right.

21. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?

22. - Yo. - Okay.

23. Uh, Frank, I have something that I need to read to you from Barbara.

24. - Hmm. - "Frank...

25. "... if your fat monkey heart is still beating,

26. (chuckles) "then congratulations.

27. "I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money...

28. "to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."

29. - What? - What?

30. - Bruce Mathis? "- A handsome man...

31. "... with a beautiful soul... (clears throat)

32. "... and a nicer penis."

33. You're giving all my money to that jerk-off?

34. Mr. Reynolds, it's on the document.

35. - Why give to him? - I'm not...

36. - She barely knew him! - I'm not giving money.

37. I'm just reading what's on a will.

38. - Where is that rat bastard? - Sir, I don't know.

39. Because I want to smash his face until he's dead!

40. - Killed dead! - Frank, can you forget about Bruce?

41. Mom gave away our money!

42. You know what? We should just move forward, okay?

43. - "For my darling son, Dennis..." - Hmm?

44. Presumably. Uh, "I give you my house."

45. (gasps) Yeah, okay. It's startin' to make sense. Read on.

46. "On the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."

47. - I'd never let him in. - What?

48. - "Deandra... - Yes?

49. "... you get... nothing.

50. "You were a disappointment and a mistake."

51. A mistake? We're twins.

52. We were born at the same time. You're not making sense.

53. Tell the bitch it makes no sense!

54. Okay... I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, okay?

55. I don't know your mom. Never met your mom.

56. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now.

57. - Because she's dead. - Yeah, we know she's dead!

58. - We're venting out of frustration. - Tell her she's a goddamn whore!

59. - Okay, I... - Always been a whore!

60. What about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?

61. - It says something about it... - Okay.

62. in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.

63. - Goddamn it! - Oh! Oh!

64. - Oh, goddamn it! - She's taking it into the grave!

65. I tell you what, son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you.

66. You're angry.

67. You tell her for me that I'll be in touch with her somehow.

68. Yeah! Tell her she's a bitch!

69. These are awkward situations often. And I know it can be difficult.

70. (whispering) Hey. Thanks for the house, dude.

71. You know... You know, I didn't give you the house.

72. - That's not how it works. - Yeah, you did!

73. Mm-hmm. Okay.

74. (chuckles) Jesus Christ.

75. Hey. I got a plan to get back at your mother.

76. Too late. I'm already full throttle over here.

77. I'm gonna dig up her body and snatch back the jewelry.

78. That's insane!

79. Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T.

80. I gotta do it while the earth's still loose.

81. Deandra, I know how to get the money back from Bruce.

82. - What's your plan? - All right...

83. You call Brucie on the phone

84. and tell him that you want to introduce him to your new fiancé.

85. - Who's that? - Me.

86. Oh, man. This house sure brings back a lot of memories.

87. Guys! Look what I found in Dee's old room!

88. It's her middle school diary, dude. Ooh, yeah! (laughs)

89. Who gives a shit?

90. It's her diary! It has all her secrets and shit in here! Dude!

91. It says "keep out". It has a little lock... we can open later.

92. We are not reading Dee's middle school diary to you, bro!

93. We need to start the healing process.

94. - Yeah... - Okay?

95. I'm devastated here. We gotta throw a big-ass party.

96. I need my friends. Let's call the crew.

97. - Let's round the boys up! - Round the crew up!

98. - And let's have a kick-ass party! - We got the diary! And the crew!

99. I have two numbers in my phone.

100. Charlie and Dennis. Huh.

101. - What about all our friends? - What about...

102. - Dooley! Call Dooley. - Let's call Dooley!

103. - He loves a good party! - Dooley!

104. - Dooley in the house! - Dooley's in the house!

105. - Yeah. - Dooley killed himself.

106. Uh... oh...

107. (whistles) Yeah. About two years back now.

108. Yeah. It's a real sad, sad thing for him and his family.

109. - Terrible. I knew he was... - Depressed.

110. - Very sad. - Very depressed.

111. - And, uh... - How about... Let's call Stash!

112. - Let's get the Stash man! - Uh...

113. - Stash man? What did you do? - I set him on fire.

114. Son of a bitch. Forget Stash. I don't like him anyway.

115. - Let's get Z-man. - I banged his sister.

116. - Oh... - Sully!

117. - No, but... - Sully! I got Sully.

118. Got a restraining order. I can't go within 500 feet of him.

119. - Plus, I banged his sister too. - Really?

120. - She was gross. - Yeah.

121. - I remember that. - Yeah.

122. Wait. So we got no friends?

123. Looks like it, right? (exhales)

124. - Wow, that hits home. - Boom.

125. That's terrible.

126. - Guys, guys. - That's sad.

127. Do you realize what that means? (scoffs)

128. If we were to die suddenly just like my mom did, no one would mourn us.

129. - Shit. - We'd have no one left behind us...

130. to tell of our adventures and triumphs.

131. - Dude. - We gotta make friends.

132. - All our triumphs and our tales... - We need to preserve our legacy.

133. - That's what I'm saying! - Our whole legacy!

134. - Let's go out and make friends. - Let's do that. But first...

135. Who wants to burn through a quick chapter of this diary?

136. - How's the ponytail look? - It's ridiculous.

137. I don't get why wear the getup. Bruce has never even seen you.

138. Deandra, if we're gonna pull this thing off,

139. I gotta turn into a liberal yahoo just like Bruce.

140. When he arrives, hold my hand through the whole thing.

141. - I won't do that. - Look.

142. You've gotta stop thinking of me as your dad

143. and start thinking of me as your fiancé, Seamus.

144. Gross. Could we please think of a less creepy angle?

145. But this is a grift. I mean, that's the way it is.

146. You gotta stay in character all the time.

147. As soon as you break character, you blow the grift.

148. (doorbell rings) - Hand. - I don't wanna touch you.

149. - Holding hands. - Ah, damn it.

150. (sighs) Deandra.

151. My little girl. How are you? Are you okay?

152. Well, no, no. I'm... very broken up inside.

153. Bruce, this is Seamus, my fiancé.

154. - I am also broken up. - Mm-hmm.

155. What say we all bring it on in for a hug?

156. - Mm. - We're doing hugs.

157. - I'm so sorry I missed the funeral. - Mm-hmm.

158. We were in Uganda doing work with the AIDS crisis and...

159. AIDS? You touch anybody?

160. - Well, sure. Hey, man!

161. What kind of shit is that? You just hugged me!

162. - Why would you do that? - Seamus is joking.

163. He's got a... very dry sense of humor.

164. I'm not joking! That shit is serious!

165. - I gotta take a shower now! Hmm.

166. (laughs) That's kind of... odd.

167. Oh, yeah. Well, that's my guy. You know? He's a...

168. - He's got a bit of a germ problem. - I'll get him some books for that.

169. He's grieving and... Yeah.

170. Sure. But you seem to be holding up okay.

171. That's funny, because I'm not holding up okay.

172. - I'm very sad and devastated. - Losing a parent is the toughest.

173. - Oh, it's the worst! - It is.

174. So she gave you all of our money, huh?

175. - All of... All of... - Yeah.

176. All of our fortune. She gave it to you. Weird, right?

177. Yeah. Good news is it's all gonna go to help the less fortunate.

178. - Every penny. - Oh, well, that is good news.

179. - It's a done deal. - That's why we brought you here.

180. Oh, see, Seamus and I have a plan. We want to adopt a ton of kids.

181. - Deandra. - Isn't it wonderful?

182. That we'll need to use our fortune that my mother gave you

183. to shove at these kids!

184. You know what? I think I know exactly what you and Seamus need.

185. Can you sit tight? Just sit tight. I'll get back to you soon. Okay?

186. - Okay. - Okay.

187. Yeah.

188. - Is he gone? - Yeah, he's gone.

189. Burn these clothes.

190. Tracy, cancel all my appointments.

191. It's time my daughter and the idiot who raised her learned a lesson.

192. Guys, I'm not into the flyer idea.

193. - No? - It's perfect.

194. How else can three men in their late 20s make friends?

195. - There's no system. A flyer helps. - It does the work for us.

196. - Read back what we got so far. - okay.

197. "What up? We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys

198. "who wanna hang out in our party mansion."

199. - It sounds a little gay. - It does sound gay.

200. - Know what? Write "nothing sexual". - Good. Okay.

201. "Three cool guys looking for cool guys

202. "to hang out in our party mansion."

203. (together) "Nothing sexual."

204. Good. And add, "Fighters welcome".

205. - We want some tough and big dudes. - I don't want guys who wanna fight.

206. - It's not that. - It's extra protection.

207. - Yeah. Extra protection and... - Okay. Put "fitness encouraged".

208. - Nice. - Confusing.

209. - Really? - "Dudes in good shape."

210. - That solves it. Nice. - I like dudes in good shape.

211. - There we go. - We also need a funny and fat guy.

212. - We need him. - Every crew has one.

213. Well, no. I'm the funny fat guy. Don't worry about it.

214. - You're not fat. - And not funny.

215. I want a guy who does observational humor.

216. You know what? It'd be good. Observational humor is cool.

217. I'll put "nothing sexual" again just to reiterate.

218. - Underline it. - Clarity.

219. Be very clear with that.

220. And the flyer should be in the shape of a beer mug.

221. - Hmm... - Too complicated. I don't like it.

222. - Yeah. What about a bicep? - Bicep. Bicep's good.

223. - It would do it. - A bicep, then.

224. - What do we got? - Here we go.

225. "What up? We're three cool guys looking for cool guys

226. "who wanna hang out in our party mansion.

227. "Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged.

228. "If you're fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things."

229. - "Again, nothing sexual." - Underlined. Okay.

230. - Great. - I have no problem with that.

231. No. Let's go meet some men.

232. Lookin' good, bro. Lookin' very good.

233. - I'm sorry? - Oh, your pants. Nice cut.

234. The vertical side line gives your body good length. (laughs)

235. - Do you work here? What... - Nah.

236. I'm just looking to meet some new guys.

237. I saw you from across the way and thought, yeah.

238. He's got a good sense of style. He's about the same age.

239. Got a nice crop of blond hair. We could use a blond in the crew.

240. Mix things up a little bit. Here. Why don't you just, uh...

241. take a look at that flyer there.

242. (laughs) Is this a penis?

243. A... penis? No. It's a...

244. It's a bicep.

245. - Oh. - Yeah, yeah.

246. Oh, right. "Party mansion".

247. - Exactly. Yeah. - Cool. Yeah, I'll swing by.

248. - You'll swing by? - Yeah, sure.

249. Come by the address. We'll be there partying.

250. - At the party mansion. - You're gonna be perfect. Nice.

251. See ya there.

252. (snaps fingers) I'll give more for his friends.

253. Yeah.

254. Oh, son of a bitch!

255. - Penis? No. It's a... a bicep. - Bro. (sighs)

256. I had the most perfect blond guy slip right through my fingers.

257. I had him in the palm of my hand, and then he was gone.

258. I mean, this guy would've been perfect for you.

259. And this beefcake? Is he coming to the party?

260. - Big time. - Great.

261. - Nah, he didn't read the flyer. - No, I read it.

262. - He didn't get it. - I understood it... perfectly.

263. - Oh! - Okay.

264. - We gotta take a look at the flyer. - Uh, yeah, dude.

265. Guys! Check out who I just met buying a crossbow.

266. This dude is the shit.

267. I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart.

268. Yeah.

269. All right, dude.

270. Dude, isn't that guy awesome? He's like a poet.

271. - The guy's not awesome. - No.

272. Dude, do you know how hard it is to find a passionate guy like that?

273. They don't make 'em anymore.

274. You should've seen his passion with the dick flyer.

275. You knew that it was a dick?

276. Yeah. I thought you guys were changing it.

277. - It was meant to be a bicep. - It was a bicep, bro.

278. Then why cut it... It looks totally like a dick.

279. I thought, let's use it. It's more masculine anyway.

280. - Good point. - For a bicep, it needs more veins.

281. I can't wear this.

282. I gotta go home and get another costume.

283. There's no time. Sit down and shut up.

284. Wait for Bruce to bring the money.

285. (scoffs) All right.

286. But I can't promise that I'm not gonna go berserk

287. f he tries to give me AIDS again.

288. He wasn't trying to give you AIDS. Jesus Christ!

289. You're the one who insists on staying in character.

290. - Yeah, you're right. - Look, we can do this, okay?

291. We just have to go along with him.

292. We're so close to the money. (knocking)

293. Yeah. I'm not gonna blow the cover.

294. - Good. Pull it together, Seamus. - All right.

295. (together) Surprise!

296. These are some of my adopted children. Go ahead.

297. This is your new home. (cheering)

298. Mac, here come our guests.

299. Okay. Okay. How did you get these guys again?

300. They're college kids. I went down to Penn.

301. I snared them with white lies. Put your game face on, buddy.

302. - We got a legacy to preserve. - Okay. Here we go.

303. Welcome to the party mansion, bitches!

304. Get your asses in here! (laughs)

305. Look at that shit, huh? Yeah!

306. - Where is everybody? - And the chicks?

307. - Guess what. It's just you and us. - Exactly!

308. - Party mansion to ourselves! - No rules. Check this out, bitches!

309. Whoo!

310. Oh, yeah, baby! Nice one!

311. - Let's stop being pussies and... - Funnel some beers!

312. - I don't drink. - Wrong answer, bitch!

313. - You'll have a drink tonight! - And stories about our craziness!

314. You'll tell people we're like the guys from "Jackass".

315. How we smash stuff and shove shit up our ass.

316. That's right!

317. You're gonna get so much shit shoved up your ass tonight, four eyes!

318. You'll be talking about this night for the rest of your lives!

319. "Dear Diary, the dance was a total disaster.

320. "I cried myself to sleep again last night."

321. (chuckles) Oh!

322. "Mom forced me to wear the back brace.

323. "And all the school chanted 'aluminum monster'!"

324. Oh, man! "Aluminum monster". That is hilarious.

325. No! Oh, it's not hilarious!

326. I share this little girl's pain.

327. Have you ever been scorned, Charlie?

328. Uh, like all day, every day, dude.

329. Then you should think of this little girl

330. as your soul mate of pain.

331. Oh, shit, bro.

332. (groans) Babysitting a bunch of orphans wasn't part of our grift.

333. It's either that or digging up Mom,

334. which, by the way, I'm still very into.

335. But I'm willing to do whatever to get this money.

336. If we need to adopt some orphans, fine.

337. - We'll take'em back. - Oh...

338. Can you do that? Is that possible?

339. I don't know. They might have a kind of return-exchange policy.

340. That sounds good.

341. Great. Now this one's sad. Give...

342. - Give her some money. - What?

343. - Frank, give her some money. - I'm not giving her shit!

344. May I speak to you two in the kitchen?

345. - Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.

346. You two have such a great vibe! I'm ready to write a check now.

347. I just want to make sure that I'm helping you

348. to have, like, the best relationship that you can

349. so that these kids have a loving, stable home.

350. And I know this may sound a little weird.

351. But I have a lot of training in family therapy.

352. And I think for me to help you,

353. I need to observe you at your most intimate.

354. I need to observe you two making love.

355. - Uh... - Uh...

356. - How long's your boy out, bro? - I don't know. A couple of minutes.

357. Will he wake up before we throw him down the stairs?

358. - Look at him. He's out. - You're kidding, right?

359. - You're not really gonna do that. - Oh!

360. - We should throw him off the roof! - Great idea, dude. I'm the thrower.

361. - Why are you doing this? - Friends do it to each other.

362. - No, they don't! - Guy.

363. His mom died. Have a little compassion.

364. She just died. You could at least let us throw your pal off the roof!

365. (sniffling) "I'm totally gonna tell Eric how much I like him tonight.

366. (sobbing) "Even though Danielle...

367. "was like all over him today in school.

368. "Mother said not to get bothered.

369. "He wants a pretty girl instead."

370. - I can't stop crying, Ernesto. - Hey, me neither, Charlie.

371. - Oh, but don't fight it, Charlie! - No!

372. It is all part of the healing process.

373. So tell me, how do you usually begin your lovemaking sessions?

374. That's hard to say, you know?

375. Because we start it in so many... ways.

376. Seamus, perhaps...

377. perhaps you should start by, uh, kissing her neck lightly.

378. Uh, no.

379. - No, because, uh, we don't kiss. - We don't kiss.

380. - At all. No kissing. - Mm-mmm.

381. That's unusual, but okay.

382. Okay. Just tell me... Just tell me what you are into.

383. I like to watch. So I'm gonna bounce off the bed...

384. and observe.

385. Okay. Okay. You see what just happened, Dee?

386. Seamus has just communicated what turns him on in a healthy way.

387. - Heh. - So... Yeah.

388. Now would be a good time for you to pleasure yourself for him.

389. Hmm.

390. - Then eventually he'll mount you. - Okay. You know what?

391. (clears throat) I'm gonna have to stop this.

392. - Really? - Uh, yeah.

393. I'm gonna come clean here. We've been lying to you.

394. Deandra, just... Think about what you're doing.

395. I'm sorry. We've been lying. And the reason is...

396. - Think... - We haven't had sex yet.

397. Because we're waiting until we get married.

398. - Waiting. - Saving ourselves.

399. - We're saving ourselves! - Exactly.

400. - It's important to me and to him... - Yeah, we couldn't do it.

401. - To do that. - Right.

402. And I think that maybe it's what the tension is that you're feeling.

403. - It's all sexual. - It's so sexual.

404. You know, I'm also a licensed minister.

405. So why don't we just do a wedding? Like do it tomorrow?

406. - Hmm! - I've been thinking about it.

407. I should never give the money to an unmarried couple.

408. - Okay. - Okay.

409. Family and friends, we're gathered here

410. to share in the declaration of a lifelong commitment

411. between this man and this woman.

412. Deandra, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

413. I do.

414. Seamus, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

415. You bet ya.

416. Well, then by the authority of God

417. and the laws of the great state of Pennsylvania,

418. I now pronounce you man and wife.

419. Congratulations, Deandra!

420. You made me so happy.

421. You just married your daughter.

422. - You know who I am? - Of course I do.

423. You're the little ass-wipe who raised my children

424. and turned them into animals, into monsters

425. who lie and steal and take advantage of people...

426. and contribute absolutely nothing to society.

427. - Make sure you're getting this. - Ernesto must see it.

428. Go get him.

429. If you knew who he was, why did you do the ceremony?

430. I wanted to push you to your limit.

431. But apparently you have none. So...

432. I hate to interrupt. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

433. Uh, Bruce? Can you just pronounce them man and wife again?

434. - I want a close-up. - Again? You want...

435. Do the thing, "Of course I know who you are."

436. - You were getting so angry, Bruce. - Oh, yeah!

437. - Can you make 'em kiss this time? - Yes. Uh, sure.

438. May I see the camera for a second from this side maybe?

439. - Sure. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

440. I'm taking this to the lawyer and you'll lose the house,

441. 'cause you violated the conditions of the will.

442. Frank was not to set foot in the house!

443. Bruce, come on, man. Dad, be cool. Let that slide.

444. - You're being a real bastard. - It's ridiculous.

445. You're the most horrible people.

446. - Oh, come on. - That's a bit going overboard.

447. - That's a lot to say. - Don't be like that.

448. Bye, party mansion. Thanks a lot, Frank!

449. - Whoa, guys! Where you going? - Whoa! Hey!

450. - How did they get free? - We were just having a little fun!

451. - You still wanna be in our crew? I don't think so.

452. I don't think they're gonna tell about our great adventures...

453. - It doesn't seem like it. - At least we still have Ernesto.

454. Yeah, whoops. No. He robbed your house.

455. - Oh, son of a bitch. - Yeah.

456. Ah, I'm sorry that the grift didn't work out, sweetie.

457. - We could go get Mom's jewelry. - I'll get the shovel.