It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x13

Directed by Matt Shakman

James Price as Anthony • Mario Di Donato as Lefty • John Mariano as Johnny • Joe Cortese as Sal • Karen James as Frannie • John Ponzio as Businessman #1 • David Hornsby as Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara

While paying off their debt to the mob, Charlie and Dee try to find a way to make fake cocaine in order to fool them, while Dennis ranks in thousands of dollars being pimped out at the local country club. Mac realizes his position as a mob informant isn't being utilized to its full potential.

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1. We keep putting more on, and it's not showing up at all.

2. Well, then I guess cocaine is weightless, all right?

3. I'm gonna file that up here actually.

4. - What are you doing? - Cleaning my hands off.

5. - What are you, a cat? Use a towel. - My mouth's right here.

6. We talked about this. No getting high on the supply.

7. I'm not getting high. I'm just cleaning my hands.

8. We have to be very careful, considering our past addictions

9. to glue and crack. - We got over that.

10. I got over that. I don't smoke crack anymore.

11. You huff glue every single day.

12. - No, I don't. - No? Did you have any today?

13. I feel gross, Frank. We made a thousand dollars.

14. No. I made a thousand dollars.

15. You didn't do shit. You sat in the car and read a magazine.

16. What the hell do I need you for? Give me that money.

17. Every ho needs his pimp.

18. - We got any vials around here? - Vials for what?

19. We went back to Bingo. We got a little of the cocaine back...

20. with the money that we got from the pills.

21. You better go back and get a gun, because dealin' drugs is dangerous.

22. No, it isn't. It's a rich person's drug. There's no danger involved.

23. It's stockbrokers,

24. high-powered business executives. - We'll go down to Center City...

25. Waltz into a board meeting, slap the drugs down on the conference table

26. and be, like, "Hey, you guys wanna buy drugs? We're drug dealers."

27. You saying that's not gonna work? What are you saying exactly?

28. - I'm saying that that is not... - You don't like that idea?

29. At least we didn't become prostitutes.

30. I am not a prostitute. I am providing...

31. Let me handle this. Dennis is providing a very important service

32. to lonely people in need. - Really?

33. - So he speaks for you now? No.

34. He doesn't have to speak if he doesn't want to.

35. - I don't? Really? - No. You leave everything to me.

36. All you have to do is sit there, relax, have yourself a drink...

37. and just keep looking handsome.

38. Okay. I like that arrangement. Get me a beer, Frank.

39. - Oh, no beer. Yep. - Too many calories.

40. It's all about keeping this body fit.

41. - I'll get you a nice vodka tonic. - That doesn't have much calories,

42. so I think that's a smart... drink. - I take care of my boy.

43. Every time you talk, you weaken the nation. Shut up.

44. - Why you wanna hurt me? - I'm not hurtin' you.

45. - Just shut up and play cards. - You judge me all the time.

46. I'm just tryin' to remain elegant over here.

47. Don't try so hard. Remain quiet.

48. Oh! Youse guys got the right idea with these.

49. It's, like, the perfect mix of comfort and wind resistance.

50. They make that in men's?

51. Huh? I think this is men's. Yeah, it's men's.

52. Listen. I was thinkin' we go down to Paddy's, put the squeeze on 'em.

53. We're right in the middle of somethin' right now.

54. Don't you guys do anything besides play cards and eat deli meats?

55. Go wash my car.

56. Fellas! I feel like I'm being seriously underutilized here.

57. Look, if you just give me a chance, I could show you

58. how hard I actually am. - What?

59. That's right. I'm so hard that people are scared of me.

60. And they should be, 'cause I'll explode all over them.

61. What's the matter with you?

62. - I'm eatin' here. - What?

63. - You're talkin' about your dick? - My dick?

64. No, I'm talkin' about my brute force

65. and my catlike reflexes. - You hear that, Anthony?

66. He's got "catlikereflexes".

67. That's right. Hands like a cat.

68. You know what? I think someone just earned themselves a nickname.

69. - Really? What? Yep.

70. From now on, you'll be known as Pussy Hands.

71. I'd like to go on record saying I don't like Pussy Hands.

72. - But Cougar Hands would be good. - Here's to you, Pussy Hands.

73. That's great. It's settled. Hey, Pussy Hands, go wash my car.

74. - How about Jaguar Hands? - Nah.

75. - Leopard Hands? - Nah.

76. - Panther Hands. - Nah.

77. Goddamn it.

78. Go get your saucer of milk, honey.

79. He does have gorgeous hands though.

80. - Excuse us. - Excuse me. Sir? Ma'am?

81. - Would you two be interested in... - These people are walking too fast.

82. You know what we should do? We should go back to the country club.

83. Remember the country club, with the jockeys?

84. - This about the horse, Charlie? - It is about the horse.

85. - Goddamn it. - I'm pretty sure

86. those jockeys are raping that horse. They're raping the shit out of it.

87. Excuse me, sir. Can I... They're racing by us as fast as they can.

88. These people are revved up. They're in fifth gear,

89. and we're stuck in first. We need to boost our rpm's up.

90. - Let's get goin' a little bit. - What are you suggesting?

91. A little dip into our Bolivian marching powder,

92. then we're back on the street. - Not in your nose.

93. That's how you become a drug addict. Rub it all over your gums, Dee.

94. - All over your gums. - Okay.

95. Feel that? How's that feel for you?

96. Whoa. I see what you mean, Charlie.

97. I see... It's like my mouth is no longer a part of my head.

98. I kind of feel nothing, but it feels so good.

99. That's what you're going for. That's where you wanna be at.

100. Keep reapplying every 10 to 15 minutes.

101. That's what I've been doing. It wears down.

102. What? Charlie. Ten to 15 minutes? No. We're gonna run out.

103. - No more gumming for a while. - No more gumming.

104. - We're good though. - I'm ready. I'm good.

105. I feel pretty good. I feel weird, but pretty good.

106. Let's start the show. Let's be like Wall Street and...

107. Rickety Cricket. That's Rickety Cricket!

108. - Rickety! Rickety! - Rickety Cricket!

109. - Rickety Cricket! - Rickety!

110. - Where have you been hiding? - Where have you been?

111. They let you become a priest again, huh?

112. - Congratulations. - It's the reverend.

113. - Hey, man. - How you doin', man?

114. - Keep your head up, Reverend. - Keep the faith.

115. Bless you.

116. - Oh. Yikes. - I get it. It's like...

117. Yes. Ever since you convinced me to abandon the church,

118. my life has been in a bit of a tailspin.

119. - Who? Me or Charlie? - You, Dee. You.

120. - That doesn't ring a bell. - There was something that happened.

121. - I wasn't sure that it was that. - I don't think it was that.

122. So you're livin' on the streets now, Cricket.

123. - Yes, I'm living... - That's great. That's really great.

124. Actually, it's the opposite of great, Charlie.

125. It's one of the darkest times of my life.

126. - Is it? - That makes sense.

127. - Yes. - But the good thing is

128. that you must know a lot of drug addicts.

129. Yes. I was actually attacked by a couple last night.

130. - Almost got stabbed. - Really?

131. - That's great. - Did you really? Wonderful.

132. - You can help us sell our cocaine. - Do you know those guys?

133. - Do you bump into them? - Can you sell drugs to them?

134. - You hang out on certain corners? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

135. You want me to sell drugs for you?

136. We would do it, but we're not street urchins.

137. Know what I mean? But you.

138. They would buy drugs from a street urchin like yourself.

139. You got the "street urchin" thing goin' on.

140. Please stop calling me a street urchin. I'm not a street urchin.

141. - You are what you are now. - You know what I'm sayin'.

142. I was a priest. I have a master's in theology.

143. - That was then. This is now. - What good's it doing you?

144. I am trying to get my life back on track.

145. I don't think selling drugs is a smart move.

146. - Uh-oh. I'm sorry. - Come on, Cricket.

147. I guess Charlie and I didn't see you sitting

148. atop your homeless ivory tower. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

149. What is your problem? You just push my buttons, don't you?

150. You just enjoy pushing my buttons.

151. - What have you done? - I've done nothing to her.

152. Can I stop this little lovers' quarrel?

153. You're not fooling anybody, Cricket.

154. Clearly, the two of you have strong feelings for each other,

155. and you're letting that get in the way of a good business deal.

156. Look, Cricket, for the love of God, help us out here, man.

157. - I am not... - I tell you what.

158. - I'll let you stay at Dee's place. - No.

159. Till you're back up on your feet.

160. - Dee's place? - Yeah. You two alone, together.

161. One thing could lead to another. You never know.

162. You think she still likes me?

163. Yeah.

164. I wasn't sure. I know we have sort of a sexual tension.

165. No, no, no. You guys got your own thing going on.

166. I gotta take a cut now, Cricket. We're working together.

167. Jesus Christ, Frank. I can't believe you had that thing made.

168. Every pimp has a chalice. This one is the shit.

169. Great. How much money did you drop on that?

170. A lot.

171. You spend a shitload of money on a chalice you'll eat cereal out of,

172. but you won't bail us out by paying the mob?

173. By the way, your Jane is sitting over there.

174. Aw, you gotta be kid... Dude, she's, like, a hundred years old.

175. - Sixty-eight tops. - That's still extremely old.

176. - Well, I'm not kissing that. - You don't have to kiss her.

177. We can make that one of your rules.

178. This time, nothing with the ass.

179. That got really weird last time, all right?

180. What are you talkin' about?

181. You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?

182. No. I never set up any ass play.

183. All right. Well.

184. I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway

185. just to be... just to be safe.

186. - All right. Do that. - All right. Here we go.

187. Hypothetically speaking,

188. do you think you could teach a horse to sit on a barstool and drink beer?

189. I don't know. Maybe.

190. Would you hypothetically pay really good money to see that?

191. Is this about bringing a horse back to the bar?

192. - That is completely insane. - I'm askin' hypothetical questions.

193. I'm sorry. I'm a little preoccupied

194. with worrying about being killed by the mob...

195. because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs.

196. - Who is it? - It's Matt.

197. - Who? - Matthew Mara.

198. - It's Rickety Cricket. - It's Rickety Cricket.

199. It's Rickety Cricket. Hey! Come on in, man.

200. - Come in. Yeah! - Oh!

201. - Where should I put this? - Why does he have that?

202. - Why does he have his stuff? - Charlie said I...

203. - It's not important. - Look at this place.

204. It's exactly as I imagined it would be.

205. What is? Cricks? How'd you do with our drugs, man?

206. Oh. Uh, I sold 'em. Here.

207. Hey, is there a dream catcher above your bed?

208. - Shit, shit, shit! - Holy shit!

209. - Look at all that money. - That is a huge wad of money.

210. This is more than we make at the bar.

211. I've never seen this much money in one spot.

212. - Oh, my God. - I guess we can pay the mob back.

213. - We can definitely pay them back. - That's good.

214. - But we have another day. - We have a whole day.

215. - We have 24 whole hours to go. - Mm-hmm.

216. - He flipped this in what? - No time really.

217. He flipped it so fast, Charlie.

218. - Let's think for a second. - We could flip another batch.

219. We could pay the mob back.

220. We could have money left over for ourselves.

221. - Maybe a little coke. - Yeah, more coke.

222. - I can get a horse. - You're not gonna get a horse.

223. - We can have some coke then. - She likes Swiss!

224. I knew it! I pictured Swiss.

225. Hey, uh, Cricket. Cricket, buddy.

226. Can I talk to you for a second?

227. Look, uh, you did such a fantastic job...

228. that we're gonna need you to go back out there and do it again.

229. But you guys said it was a onetime thing.

230. We say things all day. - We say words all the time.

231. - We said so many things. - I was thinking

232. maybe I'd curl up on that bed of Dee's and I'd sleep with the bear.

233. Now's not a good time for that, man.

234. - I'm so tired. - Are you tired?

235. - I'm just so tired. - Check it out.

236. - I got the thing for you here. - What? Where'd you get that?

237. Every good dealer keeps a head stash.

238. - No. - Dip your finger in there.

239. - Look, Cricket. - I got the thing for you here.

240. - I can't. - Let's speed you up.

241. And then you'll wanna get back out there.

242. Oh. Aah. Yeah.

243. - Oh. - Shh.

244. Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank?

245. I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.

246. No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on.

247. Check this out.

248. - Jesus Christ, man. - What, you got a problem?

249. - This makes me seem like a whore. - You are a whore.

250. I'm not a whore. I'm a handsome companion

251. who goes to nice dinners with fancy women...

252. and who has rules about what he'll do.

253. - What happened to the rules, Frank? - You can still have your rules.

254. It says right here, "No Rules".

255. Don't be so uptight.

256. I'm walkin' from this... What the hell, dude?

257. I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.

258. Dude, why do you keep hitting me?

259. - Don't talk back to me! - Okay. Sorry.

260. Look, I'm gonna get you out of this. It's you and me against the world.

261. I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.

262. - You promise? - I promise.

263. And, hey, I don't wanna hit you, baby.

264. So please don't make me, okay? You're my one and only.

265. - You gotta do right by me, okay? - Okay.

266. Come on, Cricket. Where is he, Charlie?

267. - Why do we trust him? - He came through for us once.

268. He'll do it again. This is empty.

269. Get rid of that. You know what,

270. this is his whole plan. - It's not a plan.

271. Yeah. He convinced us that he was on our side.

272. - Now he'll stab us in the back. - I don't think so.

273. - What's with the pants? - These things?

274. - These are horse-riding pants. - You can't get a horse.

275. - Why not? - Because it's crazy.

276. Is it any crazier than having a dog that bites or sheds?

277. Or a cat that poops in a box while it's biting you?

278. - While it's biting you? - Oh! You guys!

279. Cricket! There you are!

280. - What are you doing? - I'm workin' on my moves.

281. - What moves? - For my musical.

282. I'm writing a musical. It's about life on the streets.

283. Archangel has to live on the streets and fight crime.

284. That's great. Where are our drugs?

285. - I sold the drugs. - Good. Give us the money.

286. Spent the money on these sweet-ass kettledrums. Look at these.

287. Those are trash cans. Trash cans, Cricket!

288. These are trash cans? Then why do they sound like this?

289. You "sold" our drug money on two garbage cans?

290. No. No, no, no, no. I did some too.

291. - We can see that! - Is there any left?

292. - Can we have what's left? - There is some left.

293. You guys are yelling like crazy. I can't compute.

294. Don't do all of it. I still gotta write the seventh act.

295. - It's kinda all up here. - Come on back to the bar.

296. - I'm not going without these. - Bring your trash cans.

297. - Yeah, don't forget the trash cans. - I'm bringing the trash cans.

298. Watch the crack addicts though. They will cut you.

299. You understand? It's 200 dollars for the first hour...

300. and a hundred and fifty every hour after that.

301. Unless you want him to act like he's enjoying it.

302. Then it's a little extra. Eh?

303. All right.

304. You like ass play? He'll do anything with the ass.

305. - Don Sal? - Yeah. What?

306. Forgive me for speaking out of line here, but...

307. I don't think I'm being properly utilized within the organization.

308. I've tried to be eager and work with a smile,

309. but I'm not making any forward progress.

310. - Aren't you the janitor? - It's not important, Don Sal.

311. What is important is that I get out on those streets...

312. and start doing some gangster shit.

313. There's gotta be a union boss I can put the squeeze on.

314. Or a truck I can hijack, right?

315. How would you like to do me a personal favor?

316. - Sounds shady. I'm in. - Good.

317. I need you to go over to my house and take care of my wife.

318. - You mean, like, rub her out? - No.

319. - You want me to bang her? - No!

320. - I'm sorry. - What the hell is wrong with you?

321. - Why would you say that? - Communication problem.

322. What I need you to do is just go over there.

323. - Like a protection thing. - Yeah. It's somethin' like that.

324. - Okay. - I mean,

325. you don't mind gettin' your hands dirty, do you?

326. - Absolutely not. - Good.

327. Goddamn mafia!

328. Like that? Huh? Get what you want?

329. Just keep dancing, whore.

330. Dennis?

331. We gotta talk. Now.

332. - What the hell you doin' here? - I'm working. What are you doing?

333. You cannot seriously be thinking about banging this old lady.

334. No, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look.

335. Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.

336. - What did Frank do to you? - Frank takes care of me.

337. You don't understand the nature of our relationship.

338. - What? - Hey! Hey!

339. You! Out! This is our turf. Get out.

340. Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.

341. What do you think she's gonna do, call her husband

342. and say she's banging a whore? Dennis, up those stairs.

343. Dennis, don't do it. He's got you brainwashed.

344. - Go! - Dennis! Stay!

345. - Go! Get up there! Now! - Stay! Stay! Stay!

346. - You're gonna get us killed! - Stop! Stop! Stop!

347. Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second.

348. You see? This is bad. You got him thinking for himself again.

349. What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs.

350. No.

351. Get your ass back in the bedroom.

352. I'm outta here.

353. What about you, Pussy Hands?

354. Me? Oh, no. I would never sleep with you. You're gross.

355. - Last taste. Last taste. Last one. - One more. That's it. That's it,

356. because we're almost out of it. - We can't do this.

357. All right. Okay. Here's the plan.

358. I'm gonna cut it with flour, all right?

359. - The mob won't know the difference. - You sure that's gonna work?

360. People do it all the time. I think this will trick 'em.

361. - That's too much, huh? - That's too much flour.

362. - Let me think. - They're gonna kill us!

363. - We're dead! - Here's what we're gonna do.

364. - We're dead 'cause of the flour. - We're outta here.

365. - Where we going? - We're gonna skip town.

366. We're gonna go up to the mountains. We can't tell anybody.

367. - We just gotta go. - We gotta get outta here.

368. - They'll never find us. - We'll have a fresh start.

369. I like that. It's just gonna be you and me and Peter Nincompoop.

370. Who's Peter Nincompoop?

371. - Huh? Huh? - Oh, my God.

372. How did that get here? How did that get here?

373. I rode it here. What do you think?

374. - Hop on. We're outta here. - I'm not hopping on there.

375. We can't get outta here on that. We need a car. It's too obvious.

376. - It is? - People will see us and it.

377. - We gotta get out in a car. - All right.

378. You got a better chance without us, don't you, buddy?

379. Okay. You know what. Get outta here. Hah!

380. Go, Peter Nincompoop! I miss you already!

381. I love you, Peter Nincompoop.

382. Mmm. Let's go.

383. - Okay, okay. - What are you doin'?

384. - I'm gonna try and stay sharp here. - That's mostly flour.

385. But if we do enough of it, it should still work, right?

386. - Then, let's do a lot of it. - Let's go!

387. That's a pop. That's a pop. That's a pop.

388. Make it sexy. It has to be sexy.

389. Otherwise, you don't eat. Okay?

390. - Frank, put the gun away. - Oh, no.

391. I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazing.

392. - Whoo! - Rickety Cricket.

393. - Hey! - Lookin' good, bro.

394. Thanks, man. I'm almost done.

395. Welcome back to the bar. Good afternoon.

396. How you guys doin'?

397. - We're very good. - Things are fine.

398. - You look like you're doin' well. - Absolutely.

399. Check it out. We got all the cocaine.

400. Didn't get the cash. Got the cocaine.

401. We might have bigger problems. We just pissed off the mob boss's wife,

402. me and Dennis wouldn't bang her. We need to be prepared for anything.

403. Okay. Then I tell you what. I will get my gun.

404. - Whoa. When'd you get a gun? - I went back to Bingo.

405. Wow. I thought we said no guns though.

406. - That was before all the blow. - You should've told me,

407. I've been carrying this around the entire time.

408. Guys, guys, guys! No guns! No guns!

409. - I'm gonna put this in my sock. - Yeah.

410. And if the shit goes down, I'll pretend I'm tying my shoe.

411. And I'll reach for some cigarettes.

412. And when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!

413. - Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! - No! No!

414. We are not gonna come out blasting!

415. Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you people?

416. Look, we can still get through this if we just calm down.

417. Oh! These guys.

418. - Hey. Ho. Hiya.

419. All right. It's Friday.

420. - Youse guys got somethin' for me? - Has anybody got a light?

421. Right here.

422. Put the guns down! I got the 25 G's.

423. I got the money, so it's all good.

424. Eh? There you go.

425. - Get outta here. - Go on.

426. - Count it. - Got it, boss.

427. Where'd you get the money? I sold Frank's pimp chalice.

428. What? That's right, you son of a bitch.

429. Thanks for bailing us out. Just like always. Goddamn it.

430. It's all here, boss.

431. - Okay. Well, that was close. - Yeah, it seemed close.

432. - It got stressful. - A little tense.

433. "Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

434. It was nice doin' business with you guys.

435. Hopefully, I'll never have to see you again.

436. - All righty. - Sounds good.

437. Sounds very good.

438. You guys, you gotta make it sexy... hips and nips.

439. Otherwise, I'm not eatin'.

440. Yeah.

441. - What? - Who?

442. - You. - Come here.

443. - Yeah? - Can you do me a favor?

444. - Sure. - Explain to me

445. why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands's friends

446. tried to force himself on her.

447. Oh! Oh! This guy?

448. Oh! Oh! That's crazy!

449. - Enough with the "Oh's"! - I think that's insane.

450. I have no idea what you're talking about.

451. Then I assume it was you, pinhead.

452. No! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

453. - Then who was it? - You guys! I did it!

454. And I made it so sexy!

455. Look at this. I've achieved total sexiness!

456. - I am the man! I made it so sexy. - Get him.

457. - You got it. Come here. - Fancy pants.

458. - I wanna talk to you. - It's so... It's so sexy.

459. That's the thing. It's all hips and nips.

460. Do you guys have more blow?

461. - Yes! - Get him outta here.

462. - Well. Couple beers? - Yeah. Shots.

463. All right.

464. Oh. What a day.