It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 9x9

Directed by Daniel Attias

Leilani Taliaferro as Shaman Woman • Diane Sellers as Clerk • Janet Hoskins as Old Lady • Julia Cho as Dot Com Girl • William Duffy as Hedge Fund Guy

After creative differences over what constitutes tasteful nudity cause Frank to pull his money out of "Lethal Weapon 6" during filming, Mac, Dennis, and Charlie screen their rough footage for investors in hopes of raising enough capital to finish the production of their latest masterpiece.

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1. Bah-hoo-yeah

2. Bah-hoo-yeah

3. welcome back from the dead,

4. Chief lazarus!

5. chief lazarus: I only got one

6. Thing on my mind.

7. Revenge!

8. what exactly are you here

9. For?

10. We need $40 million.

11. so we've shot a great deal of

12. The movie, and we're gonna show

13. It to you.

14. Oh, yeah.

15. we just need a little money

16. To finish it.

17. yeah, see, we had a little

18. Bit of a falling out with our

19. Financier.

20. He's also playing chief lazarus.

21. We had some creative

22. Differences with him, you know,

23. Which is why we're coming to

24. You, but, look, that's neither

25. Here nor there.

26. Don't worry about that.

27. The guy wanted to

28. Shoot a full penetration sex

29. Scene and show it.

30. but, to be fair, I don't have

31. A problem, as much, with the act

32. Itself as I do with the man

33. Who's performing it.

34. don't get into that.

35. It's, like, more specific than

36. She needs to...

37. let her know. I think she...

38. Look, I just, I think that no

39. One wants to see frank smashing

40. Genitalia with a woman, but if

41. It were me doing it, you know,

42. Imagine that.

43. Wouldn't that be nice?

44. Imagine all the positions that

45. I could get into.

46. You know, reverse pile driver,

47. Seated scissors, wheelbarrow,

48. Reverse cowgirl.

49. I know all the positions.

50. Whatever you like.

51. he can do 'em all.

52. I can do 'em all, yeah.

53. he can do 'em all.

54. so imagine that.

55. Do you see the difference?

56. we don't finance movies here.

57. let's show her more of the

58. Movie.

59. yes.

60. get into the story a little

61. Bit.

62. okay, that's exactly right.

63. Keep watching, and then see the

64. Big picture, know that there

65. Are budgetary and time

66. Limitations and ignore them,

67. Please.

68. yeah.

69. In your face, sucker.

70. oh, shit!

71. riggs, what the hell are you

72. Doing here?

73. Our relationship is strained.

74. riggs

75. Thought I'd give you some

76. Pointers on your jump shot.

77. Noticed you weren't squaring up

78. On the basket.

79. schooling a black man on

80. Basketball.

81. You must be crazy.

82. crazy enough to want to know

83. Why you never rsvp'd to my

84. Wedding.

85. gee, do I want to see my

86. Ex-special forces ex-partner

87. Marry my baby girl daughter?

88. Thanks.

89. I respectfully say, "no."

90. I tell you what, sarge.

91. Let's play a quick game of

92. One-on-one.

93. You score on me, you don't have

94. To come to the wedding.

95. if I score on you, I don't

96. Have to come to the wedding?

97. that's right.

98. so all I do is score once,

99. And then I don't come to the

100. Wedding?

101. yes.

102. well, this is gonna be...

103. A slam dunk!

104. break a leg.

105. Hell, break both of 'em.

106. heavenly father, we thank you

107. For your glories.

108. We also thank martin for his

109. Lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.

110. Rianne will now recite hers.

111. rianne My

112. Love, when I look deep in your

113. Eyes, I find my own destiny.

114. I find that I want to love you

115. For the rest of my days, and I

116. Will.

117. I will spend every day of my

118. Life trying to make you the

119. Happiest man in the whole world.

120. That was lovely.

121. If anybody has any objection to

122. This union, you speak now, or

123. Forever hold your peace.

124. I object.

125. what?

126. I need to do something

127. First— get your father's

128. Blessing.

129. I came here for my daughter,

130. Not you.

131. I love her, rog.

132. yeah.

133. I know you do, pal.

134. no!

135. no!

136. I love weddings.

137. They always such a blast!

138. oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

139. Got to get out of here!

140. Got to get out of here!

141. oh! Oh, let me out of here!

142. Let me out of here! Oh!

143. oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

144. um... I don't get why you're

145. Making this.

146. oh, I mean...

147. oh...

148. god, the bank didn't get it

149. Either.

150. Why make anything, you know?

151. For the money, for the glory,

152. For the fame.

153. absolutely.

154. all— the whole thing.

155. yeah, and-and clearly the

156. Movie's pretty kick-ass right up

157. Until we get to the special

158. Effects snafu.

159. our ex-backer liked to cut

160. Corners, but we feel like, with

161. Your technical expertise, being

162. From a dot-com company and all,

163. And your money, we could really

164. Make a kick-ass movie.

165. yeah, now, the next scene is,

166. Um, the next scene is bad.

167. The next scene is a little bit

168. Of a disaster.

169. it's got some problems, too,

170. But then, once we get past that,

171. It's pretty good, but let me set

172. This up for you so you're not

173. Totally confused.

174. Somebody released some kind of a

175. Biting bug, the likes of which

176. I've never contended with.

177. frank and I got them from

178. China, and they just went crazy

179. In the bar and bit us up like...

180. what do you mean you "got

181. Them from china"?

182. You ordered them?

183. don't worry about where we

184. Got them or why we were getting

185. Them.

186. oh, my god, Jesus christ.

187. we just released them, there

188. Was an issue...

189. all right, so you're gonna

190. Enjoy this part.

191. Go ahead and push play.

192. yeah, yeah, keep it going.

193. hey, chief, I'd like to trade

194. In...

195. These flowers for a badge.

196. well, I just happen to have

197. That gun.

198. Welcome back to the force,

199. Riggs.

200. Murtaugh.

201. murtaugh!

202. it's great that you're a cop

203. Again, rog.

204. We'll n-need it.

205. well, I had to come back

206. Because they killed my baby girl

207. As you was getting married to

208. Her.

209. yeah.

210. Looks like I'm not the only cop

211. With a death wish now.

212. ha!

213. chief, I think I found some

214. Clues.

215. what the hell does those

216. Things have to do with chief

217. Lazarus?

218. well, I've got a hunch.

219. chief, I've got a hunch.

220. See, feathers were usually used

221. In indian resurrection burials,

222. Which could only mean one thing.

223. damn!

224. well...

225. That lazarus is back from the

226. Dead.

227. damn!

228. you think?

229. so he's probably planning an

230. Elaborate rain dance to drench

231. L.A. So bad that it ends up in

232. The ocean.

233. making his indian reservation

234. The only thing left standing and

235. Very valuable beachfront

236. Property.

237. That's could be the only answer.

238. yeah.

239. oh, oh.

240. I'm just gonna fast-forward

241. For a minute.

242. uh, but this...

243. yeah, this is important...

244. that-that-that's okay, I'll,

245. Uh, I'll play it here.

246. beachfront property on his

247. Indian reservation.

248. no, you're still going on

249. About the whole...

250. no, just keep going.

251. yeah... Yeah, yeah.

252. well, you got to explain

253. Every aspect of the movie.

254. That's crazy.

255. well, that's because when you

256. Go to the movies, you know, you

257. Can't follow what's going on.

258. no, you can't follow what's

259. Going on.

260. yeah, yes, you can.

261. no, no, you're like, "who's

262. That guy?

263. Is that the good guy, is that

264. The bad guy?"

265. everybody knows!

266. I'm sorry, guys, um, but

267. Maybe it would help if I saw the

268. Original mel gibson version

269. First.

270. w-what do you mean that

271. You've not seen...

272. wha...? How...?

273. you've never seen...

274. lethal weapon?

275. lethal weapon?

276. no, I mean, I've heard of it.

277. I think what's happening here

278. Is the fact that you're a woman,

279. And our demographic skews male.

280. well, um...

281. it does— we are a male-

282. Driven, uh, you know...

283. we are testosterone-driven.

284. we're a male-driven entity.

285. I-I got, I got that.

286. oh, oh, oh, the next scene.

287. oh, yeah, yeah, right, right,

288. Right, right, right, right.

289. oh, the next scene.

290. that's right, there's stuff

291. For the... The ladies, I guess.

292. oh, for the ladies.

293. yeah, we shot this for the

294. Ladies.

295. This is all for the ladies.

296. you're gonna love this.

297. well... Yeah.

298. you're gonna dive right in,

299. Right here.

300. ("playing with the boys" by

301. Kenny loggins playing)

302. The right time

303. To walk away

304. Nowhere

305. It's time to play

306. yeah...!

307. Playing with the boys

308. I'm staying

309. yeah.

310. All right.

311. All right, blokes, let's hit the

312. Showers, huh?

313. yeah.

314. yeah.

315. oh, yeah.

316. I don't know about you, mate,

317. But I'm sore.

318. I'm really sore.

319. I really needed this.

320. oh, I needed it, too, mate.

321. all right, buddy.

322. Now that we know what lazarus'

323. Plan is, what are we gonna do?

324. we got to track him down and

325. Fight him, you know?

326. sure do.

327. We got to track him down and

328. Punch him.

329. we're gonna track him down

330. And we're gonna...

331. We're gonna go to the strip

332. Club, which I'm excited to do.

333. I love strip clubs.

334. oh, baby, I love me a good

335. Strip club.

336. we're gonna...

337. I mean, this is crazy, right?

338. wha...?

339. I miss her, riggs.

340. Nothing's ever gonna make me

341. Forget her.

342. I know, buddy.

343. Lazarus has taken everything

344. From us, but we're gonna take

345. What he loves most: His life.

346. yeah?

347. Well, we'd better do it right

348. This time, baby.

349. We ain't getting any younger.

350. that's for sure.

351. I'm starting to think even I'm

352. Getting too old for this shit.

353. say what?

354. Oh...

355. that's what you always say.

356. I know.

357. I brought it back.

358. That's your...

359. yeah, I got that.

360. Whoa, shit.

361. Come here, you rascal.

362. whoa!

363. you want to wrestle, you...

364. you want to go, old man?

365. you young, but you ain't that

366. Strong, baby.

367. you want to go, old man?

368. You want to go, old man?

369. you too young for this...

370. whoa, whoa, whoa, what is

371. This?

372. What are you showing me here?

373. we're showing you a

374. Testosterone-driven, male-

375. Skewing action melodrama.

376. yeah, you're gonna love this

377. Stuff.

378. and, by the way, as a hedge

379. Fund manager, you're used to

380. This kind of high-stakes,

381. Adrenaline-pumping action, so

382. This should be perfect for you.

383. I'm a little confused.

384. oh, is it the character-

385. Switching?

386. 'cause, just move past that, all

387. Right?

388. Trust me, our audience has come

389. To expect that kind of thing

390. From us.

391. no, no, no, I'm confused

392. About what you want.

393. Uh, you need money to fund your

394. Gay porno movie?

395. oh, goddamn it, mac.

396. gay porno movie?

397. What are you talking about?

398. see? See!

399. you even watching the movie?

400. Yes, in a lot of ways this is a

401. Love story between two men.

402. okay, yes, in a... Most ways.

403. no, it isn't.

404. all right, but this is about

405. As masculine as it gets.

406. it's not, it's not, I mean...

407. no, it isn't, no, it isn't.

408. You had a butt-double.

409. oh, of course I had a butt-

410. Double.

411. You think I'm gonna show my butt

412. On camera, charlie?

413. oh, my god, I was

414. Uncomfortable filming the scene.

415. it's not up to the par of

416. Murtaugh, okay?

417. if you play the movie, you'll

418. See...

419. it gets way straighter, I

420. Promise.

421. push play, you're gonna love

422. This next part.

423. we'll cut that stuff out.

424. See, nobody wants that...

425. I sure am glad we came to

426. This strip club, riggs.

427. I do like looking at

428. Beautiful naked women.

429. that's because we're not gay.

430. right, right.

431. up next is lady starship.

432. She's gonna blow you away with

433. Her celestial body.

434. Lady starship—

435. I like the sound of that.

436. man, what the hell!

437. oh, what the f...

438. That's more

439. Like it.

440. yeah. You like that?

441. I do, yeah.

442. what are you looking at, man?

443. Shit.

444. frank, will you pay

445. I mean, come on, we've been all

446. We went to a hedge fund guy, a

447. Dot-com girl, we went to banks.

448. No one's gonna fund this thing.

449. no, we need to finish the

450. Movie, frank.

451. all right, I'll give you the

452. Money.

453. But we do the movie my way.

454. I want... What I want.

455. And you know what I want.

456. that's not cool, man.

457. we can make it work, we'll

458. Just have to add some

459. Exposition— a whole scene

460. what needs to be explained?

461. it's gonna be perfectly

462. It's gonna be way too clear

463. What's happening.

464. Frank, it's gonna ruin the

465. it's gonna be so confusing...

466. it's not gonna be... It's not

467. Gonna be confusing.

468. we got a deal or what?

469. ah! Damn.

470. damn! They found us!

471. we got lazarus trapped in his

472. Own umbrella factory.

473. Yeah. He gonna do a rain dance

474. And then make some money on some

475. Umbrellas, man.

476. He a dirty bitch.

477. Come on, let's go get him.

478. I'm gonna jump over this!

479. get over it!

480. I got you, riggs! Hurry up!

481. Oh, I'm getting too old for

482. This shit.

483. come on, man!

484. We're pinned down, rog.

485. this could be it, good buddy.

486. This could be the end.

487. okay, rog, if this is the

488. End, we should be the ones to

489. End it.

490. you know what? I got this.

491. I got that weird danish twin.

492. oh, shit!

493. Aw, damn! He got away.

494. Oh, hey, you know what?

495. We got to also remember to get

496. That shaman priestess from the

497. Beginning.

498. We don't want her bringing him

499. Back from the dead...

500. Again.

501. that's a good point.

502. where's mac?

503. he's in the bathroom.

504. well, that's not gonna work.

505. I mean, we can't...

506. it's fine, just go, let's go.

507. he's in the bathroom.

508. He's in the bathroom.

509. charlie, it's not... We

510. Can't... I mean, it's...

511. Oh, shit!

512. Rog, I'm out of bullets!

513. you are?

514. Oh, I'm out of bullets, too,

515. Riggs.

516. Oh, no!

517. time to kiss l.A. Good-bye,

518. Suckers!

519. 'cause tonight the forecast

520. Calls for rain!

521. riggs, there's a basketball

522. Right there.

523. you should use it.

524. I know.

525. Wha... Oh!

526. oh, shit, rog.

527. If you make this shot, you will

528. Have redeemed yourself with the

529. Item that you failed with in the

530. Beginning.

531. that's right.

532. I can do it, riggs.

533. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

534. In your face, sucker.

535. yeah, buddy, you did it!

536. You did exactly what you said

537. You were gonna do, and now he's

538. Dead.

539. And now we have to kill that

540. Shaman woman so that she doesn't

541. Come back and reanimate him

542. Again.

543. wait.

544. I got a better idea first.

545. what is it?

546. let me just show you, man,

547. Will you?

548. We don't have to say everything,

549. Man. Shit.

550. you know you always have my

551. Blessin', partner.

552. that's my partner right

553. There.

554. yeah.

555. and that's a callback.

556. From the beginning— so it's

557. Come full circle.

558. we know.

559. and then we brought you back

560. From the dead.

561. Well, the shaman did it.

562. And then we killed her.

563. Because we didn't want her to

564. Bring back lazarus.

565. okay. We get it.

566. go ahead.

567. Kiss her.

568. kiss her.

569. kiss her, man.

570. Yeah.

571. Come on, man.

572. one last thing, in case

573. I die.

574. Oh, my god! Oh!

575. s-so again, this is what we

576. Were trying to avoid by coming

577. To you in the first place.

578. yeah.

579. Media access group at wgbh

580. Access.Wgbh.Org