It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 9x8

Directed by Daniel Attias

Burn Gorman as The Scientist • Jimmy O. Yang as Tang-See • Burn Gorman as Scientist • Mary Elizabeth Ellis as Waitress

When an experiment successfully multiplies Charlie's intellect and takes him away from the bar, the rest of the gang find themselves struggling to complete the menial "Charlie Work" that has kept the bar running for so long.

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1. So what if I didn't go to college?

2. John mcclane didn't go to college.

3. He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street

4. Mac, you do realize john mcclane's a fictional

5. Character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who

6. Almost certainly went to college.

7. Yeah, but bruce willis dropped out of college, and that

8. Supports mac's argument.

9. yeah!

10. And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to

11. Believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore

12. Are not going to get selected for this intelligence

13. welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this

14. Intelligence experiment.

15. I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.

16. I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said

17. "volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.

18. volunteering's for suckers.

19. yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in

20. Compensation.

21. There you go.

22. that's what we're talking!

23. Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think

24. or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.

25. I'm afraid my friend dennis confuses book learning with

26. Brainpower.

27. But you and me, we know different, huh?

28. uh, "you and I."

29. what? No, not you and I.

30. Him and I, idiot.

31. in case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both

32. dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition

33. Like that from someone like you.

34. to be clear, we're not looking for a subject with

35. Superior intelligence.

36. In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.

37. Excuse me for a minute.

38. I'm sorry, wait, wait!

39. That's a... Sorry.

40. I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your

41. oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab

42. Rat.

43. His name's armitage shanks.

44. If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.

45. And since we've been feeding armitage a cerebral enhancement

46. Formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.

47. We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.

48. What would you think about something like that?

49. A pill that could make you seven times smarter.

50. cheese, huh?

51. Yeah, all right.

52. ow! Shit!

53. what's your name, young man?

54. Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.

55. aah! Shit!

56. why don't you try the cheese under the green light, charlie?

57. I want this cheese.

58. Aah!

59. ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.

60. Thank you all very much for coming.

61. Thank you all very much for coming.

62. aw, frank, you're intruding upon my education.

63. this is crazy, charlie.

64. That's crazy.

65. aw, shut up.

66. whoa, what the hell is this?

67. What are you doing, man?

68. well, I'm trying to learn mandarin and listen to beethoven

69. You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste

70. To only listen to one thing.

71. let me guess this straight.

72. You just realized that you have

73. taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, charlie.

74. I don't know about that, frank.

75. I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.

76. charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.

77. You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?

78. Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic

79. Case...

80. Of the placebo effect.

81. I considered that, but I don't think that's it, dennis.

82. whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo...

83. placebo means from the latin "placebo," meaning "I shall

84. I listened to a chapter on that this morning.

85. this is...

86. such bullshit?

87. I wasn't gonna say...

88. gonna say that?

89. dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't

90. Make you s-s-s...

91. Intelligent.

92. guys, guys, we've got a huge

93. ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.

94. uh, that sounds like charlie work, so, charlie, why don't you

95. Hop on that, and be smart about it.

96. good pleasantry, cute.

97. How about no?

98. what do you mean "no"?

99. You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,

100. And that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.

101. That be nice. Let's do that.

102. what are you talking about?

103. Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about?

104. you have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat,

105. well, bonjours, killing the the rat, my friends.

106. Tang-see, that these so-called friends of mine have been

107. Exploiting my labor for years.

108. an astute observation.

109. Conforms with marxist theories about the exploitation of the

110. Proletariat.

111. it completely conforms when you think about it.

112. Ah, tang-see, these-these pills are having quite

113. And the combination with my readings is really leading me

114. Into some rather large ideas.

115. I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.

116. yes.

117. The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.

118. exactly, right?

119. Now, tang-see, let's-let's talk for a second.

120. What do you think my iq is now?

121. And be honest.

122. well, what do you think it is?

123. 175?

124. wow.

125. Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break

126. 200 easily.

127. you have to be careful, charlie.

128. This is uncharted waters here.

129. Have you been having any side effects?

130. yes. Okay, yes.

131. There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.

132. My-my legs grow numb from time to time.

133. I ache all over if I'm being honest, but...

134. I got mongolian barbecue and

135. Police academy: Mission to moscow.

136. frank, frank, frank, frank, I got to stop you.

137. Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm

138. Sorry, man.

139. but, charlie, it's gruesome twosome Tuesday.

140. yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...

141. I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking

142. Here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games

143. Anymore, nor should you.

144. you don't have to keep saying that, I know...

145. the sound effects won't

146. Help you.

147. the gruesome twosome.

148. they don't further your

149. Argument in any way.

150. you speak mandarin?

151. well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.

152. hey, mac, mac, I've located him— he's right near the hole.

153. oh, good, let me bash him!

154. no, no, no... oh, goddamn it.

155. all right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him

156. Up good.

157. no, no, mac, come on.

158. We're smarter than that.

159. That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the

160. Place.

161. It's not about brute force.

162. It's about seduction.

163. See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little

164. And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some brie cheese.

165. You should know... ♪ hey, you guys catch that rat

166. Yet?

167. any minute now, dee.

168. I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.

169. I have come up with the intelligent solution.

170. Ultrasonic rodent repellant.

171. It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat

172. Eardrums.

173. Stupid rats.

174. uh, those things don't work, dee.

175. oh, no?

176. Okay, how about we do a little wager.

177. The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.

178. The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am

179. Crowned the smartest in the...

180. Oh, god, gross.

181. Is that cheese?

182. Get it off me!

183. Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!

184. you've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a

185. Rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.

186. now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide

187. Her hand right out, but with those giant man hands...

188. yeah, you really don't stand a chance, dee.

189. okay, I get it.

190. do you hear that?

191. I hear it— oh, god, it's coming!

192. It's coming to eat its cheese.

193. odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat

194. Scarer, dee.

195. guys! It's on me!

196. Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.

197. now, where this gets interesting is when the rat

198. ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody

199. Stump, then she could just slide it right out.

200. hey.

201. ah, goddamn it, it's gone.

202. It ate its cheese and then it ran away.

203. huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave

204. It credit for, mac.

205. hmm.

206. he is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.

207. Is he fine?

208. All I'm saying is that stephen hawking is much more of a lady

209. Gaga than, you know, johann sebastian bach.

210. He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the kardashians, you

211. Know?

212. hmm.

213. god.

214. are you all right?

215. yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.

216. Jot that down, please.

217. huh?

218. Yes, I heard-heard the words.

219. I'm learning mandarin.

220. It means "you got that right."

221. yes, frank, I got what right, though?

222. the thing about the cripple.

223. what cripple?

224. Why are you speaking?

225. dear god, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.

226. but I didn't know what I was gonna say.

227. you never know what you're gonna say, and that's the

228. Problem, isn't it?

229. say that again?

230. whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

231. Whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...

232. Go slower.

233. frank, I cannot go slower for you!

234. Checkmate, tang-see, wake up.

235. Open your eyes, listen.

236. Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical

237. Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,

238. And-and really, my-my...

239. what?

240. You got a pain?

241. Charlie, I'm telling you.

242. Those pills are no good for you.

243. They're hurting you, those pills.

244. They're turning you into someone you're not.

245. shut up!

246. Okay, okay.

247. Don't get cute, tang-see, you're not much smarter than he is.

248. Checkmate.

249. well, you know, it-it, uh... Hmm...

250. try jerking it again.

251. jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.

252. I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.

253. this is crazy.

254. I mean, we should be able to figure this out.

255. ooh, oh!

256. Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the

257. Glue.

258. you are a brilliant man, yes!

259. Try it.

260. yeah, gasoline is a solvent.

261. That's basic chemistry.

262. Smart, mac, smart, go grab some.

263. yeah, all right. Oh, we got to be careful though because

264. Gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme

265. of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline

266. Willy-nilly.

267. it's gonna work.

268. and in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and

269. Just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because charlie

270. Likes to keep booze in here sometimes.

271. that's true, he does do that.

272. mm-hmm.

273. yeah!

274. Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...

275. let me double check because,

276. You know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.

277. yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.

278. oh, oh, christ, that's good

279. Stuff... That's high-test.

280. can I get a toot down here?

281. yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.

282. ooh, guys, yes.

283. are you sure it's gasoline though?

284. I should just try it again.

285. Jesus, Jesus!

286. That's gasoline.

287. all right, let's blast off.

288. Engage thrusters, captain.

289. oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.

290. holy shit.

291. as long as we're blasting.

292. Let's pop off on this shit a little bit, then let's get back

293. To business.

294. yeah, okay.

295. this is making me feel...

296. oh, shit, there he goes.

297. oh, he's a squirrely little

298. Bastard, isn't he?

299. you son of a bitch.

300. he's making I and you look dumb.

301. yeah... Uh...

302. "I and you." no, me and you, me, you, me, I.

303. It was you and I?

304. You and I...

305. me and you look dumb.

306. dumb.

307. it's got to be...

308. dumb is a funny word.

309. Me and... Dumb is a funny word.

310. dumb.

311. dumb.

312. pass the gas.

313. dumb.

314. pass it, pass it.

315. pass the gas.

316. oh, yeah, you're reading now?

317. Since when do you read?

318. Uh, well, I was just glancing at war and peaceand let me

319. Tell you, I side with shakespeare on brevity.

320. "brevity is the soul of wit."

321. Which, uh...

322. Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or

323. Is, uh... What is this?

324. What are you doing?

325. I'm having dinner with you.

326. I see, you've lifted the restraining order?

327. I'm not lifting the restraining order, but frank paid me $500 to

328. Be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.

329. ah, I see.

330. do you? 'cause I don't.

331. well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it?

332. Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but

333. I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.

334. I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better

335. Suited for those interests, so understandably frank is feeling

336. Somewhat marginalized.

337. Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes

338. That my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me

339. Away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,

340. Been pulling me away from frank as of late.

341. what now?

342. frank's using you to get to me.

343. How are you? Never mind.

344. Moving on. Beaujolais?

345. Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.

346. That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.

347. So, uh, tell me about yourself.

348. Are you quite well these days?

349. well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss,

350. Like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.

351. I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am,

352. And I'm like, "that doesn't define me, dude, okay?

353. like, I'm saving up to open

354. And I have come up with all of these great names

355. Um, some of them are, like, the hand whisperer or finger

356. Fantasy.

357. And I've been watching tabatha takes over a lot because it's a

358. Show that takes place in salons.

359. Finger fantasy.

360. I've been watching this show called tabatha takes over...

361. Tabatha takes over, tabatha takes over.

362. And I have been watching tabatha takes over a lot, because it's

363. A show that takes place in...

364. yeah, see?

365. The mouse always wins.

366. There's... There's, like, no winning with mices.

367. cat keeps getting hurt.

368. he gets hurt.

369. well, it's dangerous, yeah.

370. what the hell are you guys doing?

371. we're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how

372. Kitty cats deal with their rat issues.

373. if charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.

374. He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.

375. charlie is our foundation.

376. Where does a foundation belong?

377. yes.

378. on top.

379. on the bottom.

380. oh.

381. we gotta go grab charlie and drag him back down into the

382. Sewer where he belongs.

383. oh...

384. well, well...

385. I can't, see, I've been outsmarted by a rat and right

386. Now I'm stuck on its glue trap.

387. did you try the gasoline, loosening it?

388. That didn't work, but you know what does work?

389. Breathing it in.

390. deandra, are you holding onto

391. The trap?

392. no.

393. oh, I don't... I don't know.

394. let go of the trap.

395. no...

396. No.

397. that's so stupid.

398. all right, come on.

399. We gotta go get charlie.

400. uh, no, no.

401. we'll do it. We'll...

402. let's do it tomorrow.

403. we'll nap first.

404. I'm gonna go to sleep.

405. could you turn the tv back on?

406. tomorrow's good.

407. About to see the results of a bold experiment in human

408. Intelligence.

409. he's totally different.

410. Totally different person.

411. we'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find

412. Him a rather incredible specimen.

413. Tang-see.

414. Ah...

415. Thank you, tang-see, my-my dear,

416. Dear friend.

417. a simple pill...

418. Ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought

419. So clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft

420. Cheese and led him to an invention.

421. is he doing an accent?

422. every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of

423. Being and understanding our world.

424. This invention— my invention— will change everything.

425. For the better, one hopes.

426. But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?

427. You must excuse me.

428. I've grown quite weary.

429. come on.

430. finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.

431. We have the means, the understanding, the technology...

432. To allow spiders to talk with cats!

433. our exploration into the

434. Effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a

435. Complete failure.

436. Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and

437. Consistently reinforced by my assistant tang-see did not, in

438. Fact, make the test subject smarter.

439. It did, however, yield fascinating results.

440. Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.

441. the subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned

442. Mandarin in two days.

443. tang-see!

444. again, this is complete

445. Gibberish.

446. The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.

447. Plus nine equals box.

448. All right?

449. That's where the cat goes.

450. and in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all

451. Interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years,

452. Because of her perceived stupidity relative to himself.

453. perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects

454. That he believed himself to be having.

455. Uh, debilitating aches and pains.

456. It was all-all in his mind.

457. huh.

458. Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so...

459. I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.

460. placebo.

461. pla-ce-bo.

462. which is, of course, a...

463. A funny-sounding word.

464. that is a funny word.

465. it's pretty funny, yeah.

466. "placebo."

467. "placebe."

468. placido domingo.

469. police academy.

470. which is a good movie, frank.

471. it is a good movie, charlie.

472. you want to go back and watch it?

473. with all my heart.

474. please, can you not interrupt the lecture?

475. what is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment

476. Anyway?

477. yeah, like, was he smart or not?

478. I don't even get it.

479. uh, I don't think so.

480. Was I smart, sir?

481. Again, um... If you could let us finish the lecture, and...

482. you stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends

483. More smarter.

484. hey, you're right!

485. Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.

486. All right, let's get out of here.

487. hey, charlie!

488. police academis an awesome movie.

489. mahoney!

490. Mahoney's my favorite character.

491. Captioned by media access group at wgbh

492. Access.Wgbh.Org