It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 9x7

1. Boyz ii men going off... ♪ ♪ da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

2. ♪ back in school we used to dream about this

3. Every day ♪ ♪ could it really happen

4. Or do dreams just fade away? ♪ no, no, no, no, stop, stop,

5. Stop, stop.

6. God, guys, damn it.

7. I mean, you know, I need a little...

8. A little buoyancy in the harmonies.

9. I mean, listen to the lyrics.

10. Right? "not too hard...

11. Not too soft."

12. you were coming in pretty hard, I would say.

13. the lead's got to cut through, dee.

14. I don't know, man.

15. I thought we sounded pretty good.

16. Oh, hi, super group boyz ii men, please let us win your contest.

17. We sound, eh, pretty good.

18. If we're gonna open for boyz ii men at the boyz ii men concert,

19. We need to dazzle them with our harmonies.

20. mmm...

21. okay.

22. He's dead.

23. frank, will you get out of here?

24. We're in the middle of boyz ii men rehearsal.

25. well, hold on a second.

26. I'll bite— who's rodriguez?

27. that sweet old man from our building.

28. This is the worst flu that philly has ever seen.

29. wow.

30. we have to quarantine ourselves.

31. Frank, we're not gonna die of the flu because we're

32. Young and vital.

33. You are old and feeble.

34. actually, frank does bring up a good point.

35. We can't afford to get sick right now.

36. 'cause you know what you can't do when you get the flu?

37. sing?

38. sing.

39. sing.

40. yeah, I mean, I was gonna...

41. you wanted to say it?

42. yeah, but I wanted to say it.

43. oh, shit, well, I'm sorry, man.

44. Uh, do you want to ask it again, or...?

45. ask us again.

46. uh, you know what you can't do when you get...?

47. Nah, forget it, it's fine.

48. quarantine, baby!

49. all right, this is gonna be good.

50. Everybody find a spot to put your sleeping bags and we'll be all set.

51. all right, frank, where we at, my man?

52. you know, you don't have to sleep together.

53. it's a comfort thing.

54. guys, I got to say, I'm excited to play quarantine.

55. oh, my god, for the last time, we're not playing quarantine, this is a

56. Quarantine.

57. huh?

58. I'm gonna get so blacked out.

59. yeah!

60. Mac, do you want to lose this singing contest?

61. Why do you think we're quarantining ourselves in the

62. First place?

63. to protect my life!

64. no, to preserve our vocal cords, okay?

65. Which also means no alcohol, guys.

66. come on, dude!

67. wait a minute, wait a minute, that's a good idea.

68. Because alcohol lowers your immune system.

69. well, why the hell are we quarantining ourselves in a bar,

70. If we can't drink?

71. yes, hi, I'd like to order two pepperonis, one combo and

72. Breadsticks, like, a shitload of breadsticks...

73. hey!

74. you can't do that.

75. This is a quarantine.

76. Nothing goes out, nothing comes in.

77. Especially a pizza guy.

78. Going house to house, handling money, banging lonely broads.

79. They're filthy!

80. All right, come on, listen.

81. I'm gonna take all your cell phones.

82. You lost your privileges.

83. thanks a lot, dee.

84. it's just until the vaccine is replenished.

85. he does make a good point, you know?

86. My mom used to vaccinate me, like, every month, and I never

87. the reason you didn't get sick was because you and your

88. Mom would wear those ridiculous bubble boy suits during the flu

89. okay, what are we gonna do in here if we can't eat pizza or

90. well, I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do.

91. Practice.

92. come on, man, you know, like, just let me do it.

93. Like, why do you keep doing that?

94. Why do you guys keep stealing that from me?

95. ♪ dum-dum-dum-da-da dum-dum-dum-da-da

96. yes!

97. That was good.

98. That sounded... That's harmony.

99. it was terrible, let's try it again, let's try, let's do it

100. we've been working this forever.

101. I think it's fine for now.

102. you think fine is good enough for the boyz ii the men?

103. okay, guys, I think we're focusing a little too much on

104. The singing and not enough on the showmanship.

105. You know, maybe we should work out a couple of sweet dance

106. Moves, you know?

107. like, that we could all do in unison.

108. Or maybe we could wear the same outfit!

109. We'll create a visual harmony, same outfit, good.

110. oh, you guys, you guys, if we want to stand out, you know what

111. We got to do?

112. We got to focus on our story.

113. those competitions are all about how singing helped you

114. Overcome some major obstacle, you know?

115. So I'll do, like, a stutter, and I'll say I got it from-from

116. Watching, like, a friend get blown to bits in iraq.

117. And do it with a southern accent and talk about Jesus a lot.

118. good, good, okay, so we'll be, like, a group of, like,

119. Southern, stuttering army vets with, like, a religious bend.

120. okay, and then we'll all be in the same outfit.

121. oh, we should be, like, carnies.

122. we're gonna be carnies.

123. religious stuttering army carnies.

124. who love Jesus.

125. and watched our friends explode on stage.

126. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

127. it's great, no?

128. hey.

129. No.

130. Absolutely not.

131. Are you kidding me?

132. what?

133. what?

134. it's a singing competition.

135. So can we please work on our harmonies?

136. And not talk about dressing like army carnies?

137. but then maybe one of us can be a...

138. goddamn it! Come out here!

139. Come on out here.

140. what? What? What?

141. what is your problem?

142. this.

143. I found it in the back office in the garbage.

144. It's still warm.

145. This whole quarantine has been compromised.

146. what... Me?

147. Come on... Come on.

148. Why would I do it?

149. yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a recent delivery you made to

150. Paddy's pub.

151. I'll get to the bottom of this.

152. Yeah, all right, well, what was the name on the order?

153. spider-man.

154. That's very clever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

155. dennis, ask him how it's possible for him to talk to you

156. Through a cut phone wire.

157. how is it possible for you to talk to me through a cut ph...

158. I cut it when I found the

159. Pizza.

160. holy shit.

161. Dennis is spider-man.

162. no... No one is spider-man.

163. fine, yeah, oh, yeah, it was me, the evil villain with the

164. Perfect voice who ordered the pizza, but, guys, you don't have

165. I can fight off whatever stupid illness this pizza may or may

166. Not have had, all right?

167. I'm in perfect control of my body.

168. Just like I am with my voice.

169. I-I-I can go from flaccid to erect at a moment's notice.

170. he can, I've seen it.

171. buddy, you're seeing it.

172. You're all seeing it.

173. 'cause I'm doing it right now.

174. Flaccid, erect.

175. Flaccid, erect.

176. Flaccid, erect.

177. Not too hard, not too soft.

178. Come on, what are you doing?

179. You're gonna quarantine me inside a quarantine, really?

180. Aw, sh...

181. now, this is the look that I was talking about.

182. You got the bow ties and the ball caps.

183. It's casual formal.

184. yeah, right, right, right.

185. Like, are they bat boys or are they butlers?

186. You don't know, but it's like a sweet look.

187. oh, I'm just warming up my voice a little bit.

188. You guys should, uh, keep warm.

189. oh, my god, I'm loving him in the bathroom.

190. me, too.

191. Now, I did a little sketch of the outfit myself.

192. And I wasn't quite sure what you were going for.

193. Like, if we were all each gonna be a body part, or if you wanted

194. Us mashed in this thing side-by-side somehow?

195. what are you talking about?

196. well, you said that we're all in the same outfit, right?

197. So I'm trying to figure, like, who goes where.

198. "same" as in "matching," not same as in jammed into

199. The same set of clothing.

200. okay, not sure that's as good, 'cause this really

201. Makes a splash with the crowd.

202. Dee, what do you think about all this?

203. D-d-d-don't- don't put me on the spot.

204. I-I'm just, I-I-I'm just a Jesus-loving e-e-ex-marine.

205. that's really good.

206. I mean, so, so sad.

207. it's supposed to be sad.

208. It's supposed to guilt them into voting for us, you know.

209. That's not all.

210. This bible's a bible of my daddy who just di-di-died

211. In my-my arms of-of throat cancer, from-from eating

212. Some-some-some bad pussy.

213. you just earned your spot at the head of the suit, dee.

214. That was really good.

215. frank, what the hell are you doing, dude?

216. I'm getting rid of all this contaminated crap!

217. now, come on, you're going crazy with this food

218. Thing, frank.

219. We need to eat.

220. we need to eat, but we only eat protected food from now on.

221. Like, oranges and coconuts and snow crab.

222. no! No snow crabs!

223. The shells could lacerate your throats.

224. okay, well, someone's gonna have to go out and get this

225. Food, so I'll do it.

226. no, no, no!

227. You can go out together.

228. In case one of you get sneezed on, the other one can

229. Report back.

230. frank, tell you what.

231. Mac and I will go out.

232. And I guarantee we won't get sneezed on.

233. All right, dude, first things first.

234. Let's get some beer, man.

235. You know, screw dennis and his rules.

236. The guy's, like, you know, such a dick about shit.

237. yeah, dude, he can be so controlling, you know?

238. He can do really cool stuff with his dick, though.

239. you gotta ease up on talking about dicks, man.

240. Like, it's just, it's too much by this point.

241. you think? Oh, wait a second.

242. There's no... There's no opening to this.

243. shit, I'm sorry, dude.

244. I forgot, there's no opening in yours.

245. But my mom rigged hers with a special pouch so that she could

246. Have her cocktails.

247. your mom rigged her suit so she could drink booze?

248. Dude, you mom's an alcoholic.

249. my mom's not an alcoholic!

250. no, bro! She is, but it's totally cool, because it skips

251. A generation.

252. That's why you're not an alcoholic.

253. that's not good right

254. There, man!

255. There's too many bogeys!

256. Let's get some fruit, let's get out of here,

257. Let's get back to the quarantine.

258. that's right, man.

259. Let's get out of here.

260. whoa! Stop!

261. What is this? I love it!

262. huh?

263. oh, it's just a little dance move I've been working on.

264. It's stupid.

265. I was just practicing.

266. no, man, that's sweet as hell.

267. Show me that shit.

268. you like it?

269. it sort of like a fly girl power spin.

270. I've been working on it.

271. It's a...

272. You want to see the whole thing?

273. It's sort of a...

274. Whoo! oh, shit, you all right?

275. it's a balance thing.

276. whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

277. You got a breach!

278. oh, shit!

279. come on.

280. Hey! Close your pit!

281. Close your pit!

282. don't tell frank.

283. I won't tell frank.

284. Hold your arm.

285. don't tell frank.

286. hold your breath. Go! Move!

287. charlie, don't tell frank!

288. look at all the hair.

289. Look at the hair.

290. It's like a goddamn barbershop.

291. Be on the lookout, deandra!

292. yeah, copy that.

293. Looking for hair.

294. stop talking about hair, please.

295. It's very annoying to me.

296. that's what carries the disease, dennis— the hair.

297. We don't really need it.

298. Look at us.

299. We're evolving without it.

300. We came from the apes, and look at us now.

301. One day, we'll be completely hairless and totally pure.

302. yeah, you should write that down.

303. what are you doing?

304. cleaning, cleaning.

305. You know, you said scrub the place from top to bottom.

306. And it was a good thing that I did, too, because I'll tell

307. You what.

308. Mad dusty up there.

309. yeah, good-good...

310. Good thinking.

311. yeah.

312. yeah, yeah.

313. Were you eating pizza and drinking beer up there?

314. yes, frank, I was eating and drinking in a ceiling.

315. I mean, will you use your head?

316. no, I'm getting a little stir crazy.

317. yeah.

318. that's-that's...

319. yeah, it's driving you nuts.

320. driving me nuts.

321. I get it.

322. right.

323. One more thing.

324. hmm?

325. That's not mine.

326. hey, frank, are you kidding me?

327. Goddamn it, it's just one beer!

328. Oh!

329. it only takes one germ, dee.

330. oh, Jesus!

331. of course, how anybody thinks that a germ could survive

332. A scalding hot pizza is beyond me.

333. oh, dennis, you don't

334. trust me, dee, if I found myself getting sick, I would

335. Simply say...

336. "sickness be gone!"

337. it's all here, you know:

338. Oranges, hand sanitizer, basically everything.

339. No snow crabs, you know.

340. hey, where's dee?

341. quarantined.

342. There was a breach.

343. No breaches on your end, right?

344. no.

345. no, no breaches.

346. yeah. Everything's cool.

347. no, no, breaches.

348. yeah, everything was cool.

349. Yeah, everything was good.

350. good. I'm gonna go shave.

351. Get all this filthy hair off my face.

352. then when I come back, we'll play some games so nobody

353. Goes nuts or nothing.

354. uh, movie, movie.

355. Okay, movie.

356. Two, three, four, five words.

357. Doesn't matter?

358. ocean's eleven.

359. Ocean's twelve!

360. Ocean's thirteen!

361. frank, I can't concentrate when you look like this.

362. It was what's eating gilbert grape.

363. that's where all the bacteria lies, charlie, in your hair.

364. That's why I shaved it off.

365. Now it just flows off my body.

366. You should do the same, mm-hmm.

367. he breached! He breached!

368. His suit ripped in the store!

369. He tried to do, like, a power spin, and it ripped.

370. And he probably got sick!

371. that's not true! Oh, you rat!

372. This is bullshit!

373. This is bullshit!

374. I feel fine.

375. you should stand over there

376. 'cause I think I'm really getting the flu.

377. oh, I'm-I'm sick as a dog already.

378. oh, if you guys are getting sick, then stay away from me.

379. holy shit, dude!

380. I think we need to call 911 for you.

381. hey, should we work on our harmonies?

382. seriously, dude?

383. I think we need to get you to a hospital.

384. does that sound like a man

385. Who needs to be in a hospital?

386. yeah, dude.

387. from the top.

388. ♪ motown...

389. Motownphilly... ♪

390. charlie?

391. Charlie, look at that.

392. Look how clean I am.

393. dude, you look like a shriveled raisin.

394. it's all about purity, charlie.

395. Humans are filthy.

396. Dirty filthy.

397. all right, man.

398. you got them mixing with beasts...

399. Fowl, rodents.

400. people do what they do, man.

401. What am I gonna do about it?

402. when I get out of here, I'm gonna clean philadelphia.

403. good.

404. a giant cleanse.

405. well, good luck with that.

406. not the city...

407. The population.

408. okay, well...

409. Go for it.

410. I can't stop shaking.

411. It's so hot and also so cold.

412. what's up, what's up?

413. Talking hot and cold?

414. mm-hmm.

415. Charlie, are you sick, too?

416. Nah, frank's all trying to shave me and shit.

417. I'm like, "dude, no way."

418. So, I figured I'd hang out with you guys instead, you know?

419. We're very sick, we have the flu.

420. If you... If you stay in here, you're gonna get sick.

421. good, he deserves it for ratting me out.

422. please, mac, I've been vaccinated for every disease in

423. The book.

424. I'm gonna be just fine.

425. oh, god.

426. That's a lot of throw up.

427. this flu is so brutal.

428. hey, guys?

429. I think I might be coming down with something, too.

430. are you kidding me, dude?

431. Like, I think you're gonna die.

432. I think I'm gonna die.

433. I've never felt like this before in my life.

434. if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna go down drinking.

435. Anyone want some booze?

436. I knew you drank cleaning supplies.

437. no, dude, this is booze.

438. I stash whiskey in here.

439. dude, you are an alcoholic.

440. whatever.

441. Dee stashes warm beer in the ceiling of the back office.

442. I keep a flask of créme de menthe behind the jukebox in the

443. just drink, you know, because this might be our last chance.

444. bottoms up.

445. I'm not getting it.

446. So you crawl around on the bed, looking for minerals?

447. If I'm looking for minerals, I got to be under the bed.

448. Minerals on top of the bed doesn't make any sense,

449. Actually.

450. none of this makes any sense.

451. It's insane.

452. you know, I don't know about you guys, and I don't know why

453. This is happening, but I actually feel a lot better.

454. well, you look better.

455. You guys all look better.

456. I'm actually feeling better, too.

457. I feel great.

458. yeah.

459. All we've been doing is sitting here and drinking.

460. How could we have gotten better so quickly?

461. oh, my god, you guys.

462. You guys, we haven't been drinking since we quarantined

463. Ourselves into the bar.

464. At least since we got stuck in the bathroom.

465. wait, wait, wait, so what are you saying?

466. That-that we never had the flu?

467. We were just having alcohol withdrawal?

468. yeah.

469. alcohol withdrawals!

470. That's great!

471. is it great? It means we're all alcoholics.

472. mac & charlie: Ah...

473. yeah, yeah... Right.

474. What do we do with that information?

475. what do you do with any information?

476. You just stuff it deep down inside and keep an eye on it.

477. I'm certainly not gonna stop drinking.

478. I mean, I physically can't.

479. no, no, not at this point.

480. we're in, we're in too deep.

481. I'm a... I'm a young guy.

482. just kids having fun, right?

483. We got an audition to make.

484. So let's bust this door down, mac.

485. What do you say, you want to roundhouse the door for us?

486. I was gonna suggest that!

487. yeah, I know you were, buddy.

488. That's why I said it.

489. Just do it and get it over with.

490. okay.

491. If we don't want to break the door, I have a key.

492. you've got a key?

493. We've been in here this whole time, and you could've

494. Let us out?

495. I didn't know that we were trapped in here.

496. I thought we were just playing quarantine.

497. No, we're not playing quarantine.

498. We're quarantined.

499. let's go.

500. just open the door.

501. yo, frank! We're not sick.

502. yeah, we're fine, dude. We...

503. Whoa. What the hell is this?

504. oh, shit, I think it's hand sanitizer.

505. hmm?

506. hand sanitizer?

507. where is it going?

508. frank?

509. Uh, why is there hand sanitizer all over the floor?

510. it goes in here and...

511. oh!

512. frank?

513. oh, my god!

514. what the hell did you do to yourself?

515. I just want to be pure.

516. god, what are we gonna do about this?

517. probably get him to the hospital, right?

518. yeah. Ooh, let's make a quick stop first.

519. Boyz ii men going off ♪ ♪ da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

520. mm-hmm.

521. In your professional opinion, you think we got a shot?

522. I mean, we're talking about boyz ii men here.

523. We want to go and we want to win.

524. yeah.

525. boyz ii men?

526. That concert is canceled.

527. yeah, yeah, they all got the flu.

528. oh, son of a bitch!

529. so we did this for nothing?

530. well, I mean, no, not nothing.

531. I mean, guys, look, we came together in harmony.

532. you know, if I'm being honest, I'd rather go back to

533. The bar and get drunk, than go to some, you know, concert.

534. yes!

535. you know what, guys?

536. We can sing at the bar like we always do.

537. that's right.

538. yeah, but drink.

539. oh, yeah.

540. 'cause I want to drink.

541. and we got to stay healthy.

542. that's right.

543. we have to stay healthy.

544. well, then from the top, shall we?

545. okay, we've got to get that sanitizer off you, huh?

546. You ready for your sponge bath?

547. shit.

548. Captioned by media access group at wgbh