It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 9x10

1. Oh, there it is, mac.

2. There it is.

3. I can't believe it's

4. my god, thundergun express:

5. The unrated director's cut.

6. 13 extra minutes of movie

7. In this one.

8. and it's unrated.

9. They were not able to rate it.

10. this is gonna be the best

11. Thanksgiving ever.

12. oh, yeah, absolutely, man.

13. Thundergun, hoagies and four

14. Extra seconds dedicated solely

15. To the dong shot.

16. Buddy, that's what

17. I'm thankful for.

18. so much better than

19. A traditional thanksgiving.

20. oh, yeah, dude, I hate

21. Thanksgiving.

22. What is that?

23. What am I supposed

24. To be thankful for exactly?

25. Who am I meant to be thanking,

26. Right?

27. I've had to scratch

28. And claw for everything

29. I've got.

30. If anything, I should be

31. Thanking myself.

32. yeah.

33. Hey, man.

34. Welcome to mahndo

35. Video.

36. How may we help you?

37. what are you guys

38. Doing here?

39. we own the store.

40. We bought this bitch.

41. we wanted to invest in an

42. Emerging market.

43. an emerging market?

44. Video stores are a dying market.

45. This is, like, one of the only

46. then we're gonna corner that

47. Market.

48. okay. Whatever.

49. Liam, what is on your eye?

50. someone ate my eye at my

51. Wedding.

52. Don't you remember, man?

53. the eyepatch is flesh-colored

54. To make people less

55. Uncomfortable.

56. I'm way more uncomfortable.

57. yeah, absolutely.

58. You look like a man who was

59. Born without an eye, which is

60. Way creepier than a man who lost

61. Just get a black eyepatch, you

62. Know?

63. Embrace it. Losing an eye is

64. Badass.

65. it's not badass.

66. I have no depth perception!

67. it's all your fault.

68. what are you... How is it our

69. What are you talking about?

70. let's not get into a whole

71. Thing about missing eyes and

72. Whose fault they are.

73. You know, we'll just rent the

74. Video, and we'll be out of here.

75. you are not renting shit.

76. You are not welcome in this

77. Store.

78. Your video-renting days are

79. Over!

80. no, come on, don't do that,

81. Dude.

82. Oh...

83. I-it's not even... It's not

84. Even close.

85. I mean, I...

86. let me get that for you.

87. thanks, man.

88. don't cut... Don't...

89. goddamn it.

90. All right, look,

91. Just pay the man already.

92. We'll be done with it.

93. It's freezing in there.

94. No can do, charlie.

95. It's the principle of the thing.

96. You guys having a

97. Principle fight?

98. no, we're not having a

99. We're having a heat fight, okay?

100. 'cause our heat's broken, and

101. Hwang won't fix it until this

102. Guy pays the rent.

103. This guy's not gonna pay the

104. Rent till hwang fixes the heat.

105. So you got one of those snafus,

106. Where you got old assholes...

107. it's a deadlock.

108. it's a deadlock of butting

109. Heads.

110. we got a disaster on our

111. Hands, a disaster.

112. the mcpoyles bought mahndo

113. Video.

114. They revoked our membership.

115. you didn't get thundergun?

116. we didn't get shit!

117. aw... Hang on.

118. Dee, why do our hoagies reek of

119. Gasoline?

120. maybe 'cause I got 'em at the

121. Gas station, I guess.

122. why?

123. why didn't you get the ones

124. We like from the wawa?

125. because gail the snail works

126. At the wawa, okay?

127. And we got mad beef.

128. She won't serve me.

129. this is a mess.

130. We can't get the sandwiches we

131. Want, we can't get the videos we

132. Want, my apartment's an icebox.

133. Thanksgiving's gonna be ruined,

134. it's not just thanksgiving,

135. Pal.

136. You know what the real problem

137. We have too many beefs all over

138. Town.

139. It's jamming us up.

140. we made a lot of enemies over

141. The years.

142. we have made enemies.

143. we got to do something about

144. This, guys, okay?

145. So I say we use thanksgiving as

146. An opportunity to squash some of

147. Those beefs.

148. all right, guys, this is

149. Really coming together.

150. It's looking good.

151. You know... You know, this was

152. The original meaning of

153. Thanksgiving anyway.

154. The pilgrims and indians had

155. Beef.

156. So what did they do?

157. They got together, they sat at a

158. Table, they ate some delicious

159. Food and they squashed that

160. Beef.

161. And that's exactly what we're

162. Gonna do.

163. Mac and I are gonna squash the

164. Mcpoyle beef, you guys are gonna

165. Squash hwang...

166. and you guys are gonna squash

167. With bruce.

168. what?

169. bruce mathis, I invited him.

170. what?

171. what? What?

172. why would you do that?

173. because he is your dad, and

174. Thanksgiving is a holiday for

175. Families.

176. I also invited charlie's mom, my

177. Mom and my dad, but they didn't

178. Want to come.

179. so just bruce?

180. you know what, it's okay.

181. We'll-we'll manage very

182. Carefully, and it'll be fine.

183. Hey, maybe we can squeeze some

184. Money out of the guy.

185. I'm-I'm confused though.

186. In this whole scenario with the

187. Pilgrim and the indians, which

188. One are we?

189. the pilgrims.

190. They came out on top.

191. I don't know about that,

192. The indians, they've got sports

193. Teams, they've got casinos.

194. They're a very celebrated

195. People.

196. yeah, that's true, actually.

197. You don't see people walking

198. Around with the tall hat with a

199. Buckle on the front.

200. makes no difference though in

201. Our scenario with what we're

202. Trying to accomplish here, okay?

203. They buried the hatchet.

204. That's what they did, and that's

205. What we're gonna do.

206. Okay, so, to that end, here's

207. The plan: Once the guests

208. Arrive, we will ply them with

209. Liquor and then I will present

210. To them this peace treaty that I

211. Will have them sign.

212. why do you always want people

213. To sign creepy documents?

214. well, frank, once

215. Something's in writing, that

216. Means it's set in stone.

217. Then no one can do anything to

218. Stop me.

219. when do you want me to serve

220. The squash and the beef?

221. s-so we're literally serving

222. Squash and beef?

223. you said we're squashing

224. I thought it would be part of

225. The ceremony to have squash and

226. Beef.

227. yeah, it's all about the

228. That's why I got this bucket of

229. Dirt and a hatchet, so we can

230. Have a ceremonial burying of the

231. Hatchet.

232. right. And after we do that,

233. We're going to wipe the slate

234. Clean.

235. wait, no, guys, look, this is

236. All very on the nose and totally

237. Unnecessary.

238. Where's food?

239. walk right in, why don't you,

240. Hwang?

241. thanksgiving, food.

242. yeah, thanksgiving...

243. thanksgiving, yeah, go sit

244. Down.

245. have a seat, have a seat,

246. Man!

247. what do you live in, a barn?

248. have a seat, hwang.

249. guys, listen, regroup,

250. Regroup.

251. Let's put on some music, lighten

252. The mood and get this party

253. Started.

254. (tom tom club's "genius of love"

255. Playing)

256. dee.

257. hmm?

258. go break the ice.

259. what?

260. yeah.

261. why me?

262. yeah, yeah, someone's got to

263. Just go to go over there...

264. go, go, go.

265. s-some good crackers.

266. huh?

267. mm. Mm.

268. they are delicious.

269. yeah.

270. what's wrong? Is it the eye?

271. why would... I don't even

272. Know why you would say

273. That-that.

274. they made me feel

275. Self-conscious.

276. did they?

277. yeah. Is it off-putting?

278. Or does it look real?

279. the skin tone is a... Is a...

280. A good match.

281. Oh, well, when you move the

282. Other one, I guess I can tell a

283. Little bit, if I'm being honest.

284. Hey, turkeys,

285. Gobble, gobble.

286. cricket, what the hell are

287. You doing here?

288. word around town is you guys

289. Are squashing beef.

290. we don't have beef with you.

291. you don't have beef with me?

292. I was a priest before I got

293. Involved with you guys.

294. look, we have enough on our

295. Plate right now, crick.

296. come on, guys, let me stay.

297. I-I'll eat the gristle.

298. you can eat it off the floor

299. Like a dog, how 'bout that?

300. now you're just creating more

301. Beef.

302. I don't mind.

303. Woof, woof, baby.

304. great.

305. look at that. Beef squashed,

306. okay, wait, wait, hold on a

307. Second.

308. Here, sign this treaty.

309. mmm, yeah.

310. it'll be official.

311. boom, all right, get out of

312. Here.

313. Go, go, go.

314. yeah, yeah, yeah.

315. okay, let's get started.

316. I really like your room,

317. Mac.

318. thank you.

319. yeah, great.

320. Have a seat, guys.

321. Um, now, I...

322. yeah.

323. yeah, yeah, yeah, a little to

324. The... To your right.

325. Okay, good.

326. Now, I know we've had our

327. Differences in the past.

328. Things have been a little tense

329. Between us.

330. what is this?

331. what is what?

332. standing.

333. what's with the standing?

334. you're lording.

335. we're not lording, we're just

336. Having a conversation.

337. yeah, we're just...

338. some kind of a status thing?

339. a power move?

340. some kind of power play?

341. come on, guys. No.

342. it's not a power move!

343. We're having a conversation.

344. There's one chair.

345. bring it down.

346. just bring it down on the

347. Haunches.

348. you want us to squat?

349. haunch it. Arch down.

350. oh, christ, fine.

351. just do it, just do it.

352. all right, look...

353. just do it. Give him the...

354. guys, look, I know we've had

355. Our differences in the past.

356. Things have been very, very

357. Awkward, but it's time for us to

358. Move forward with our

359. Relationship, all right?

360. It's time to hit the reset

361. Button, wouldn't you say?

362. Here's this. Open it up.

363. mm-hmm.

364. it's your gift.

365. what the hell is this?

366. it's a peace treaty.

367. We need you to sign that.

368. I thought I was getting an

369. Eye.

370. An eye?

371. why would you think that?

372. you kept making comments.

373. You were hinting about eyes.

374. we're not giving you an eye!

375. where the christ would we get

376. An eye?

377. And if we did get an eye, how

378. Would we attach it to you?

379. I'm not signing shit until I

380. Get an eye. You owe me.

381. give him your eye.

382. you want me to give him my

383. Eye?

384. mm-hmm.

385. you realize how preposterous

386. That is?

387. okay, then apologize.

388. apologize for what?

389. For everything!

390. For all of it!

391. this isn't...

392. it's not about apology.

393. we're not apologizing.

394. We're not apologizing, okay?

395. Nobody's apologizing.

396. No one's admitting guilt or

397. Anything.

398. We've all done something wrong.

399. Okay, it's just about... It's

400. Just about, like, you know,

401. Moving forward, moving on.

402. look, all you have to do is

403. Apologize, and I'll sign it.

404. give us a second.

405. All right.

406. How are we gonna get this eye?

407. I don't know.

408. come on, come on, give me

409. Some.

410. eat the... Eat the... You

411. Know, the skins if you got to

412. Eat something.

413. I'll eat the skins.

414. I'll always eat the skins.

415. I love the skins.

416. It's where all the vitamins are.

417. what kind of meat is that,

418. Charlie? Doesn't smell right.

419. it's not grade a meat.

420. You know, I'm not gonna get

421. Grade a meat. Just...

422. Why are you guys hovering?

423. Don't hover. Answer the door!

424. Get the door!

425. all right.

426. Yeah, all right!

427. I'm gonna fight with

428. You.

429. what?

430. Snail, what the hell are you

431. Doing here? Who invited you?

432. dee, we invited her, okay?

433. Enough is enough.

434. You got to squash it with snail,

435. All right?

436. We want to go to the wawa again,

437. All right?

438. goddamn it.

439. hey, you want some beef?

440. You want some squash?

441. you want to pack some beef?

442. listen, could you just

443. Swallow your spit and then

444. Breathe, and then we can talk?

445. then breathe, and close your

446. Mouth.

447. oh! Oh! Oh!

448. oh, my god, it was sad for a

449. Second, and now it's right back

450. To... Rah, making me do the...

451. see a doctor!

452. Go see a doctor.

453. All right, oh, let's just...

454. all right, hold on. Um...

455. let's compromise.

456. Is there something that we can

457. Do to just, you know, patch this

458. Up between you and dee?

459. I want her to be my best

460. Friend, yo.

461. oh, well, you know what?

462. That's not gonna happen, so...

463. yeah, that's too much.

464. okay...

465. hang on, hang on, hang on.

466. Is there a compromise?

467. how about just for today?

468. just for today?

469. together.

470. okay, and then I get my

471. Convenience store to be

472. Convenient to me again, that's

473. The deal?

474. word is bond, yo.

475. okay. Okay, yeah, that sounds

476. Good, let's do it. Yes, okay.

477. all right, good.

478. Frank, hwang, you're up.

479. Let's go.

480. okay.

481. all right, well, somebody say

482. Something.

483. these crackers need more

484. Salt.

485. I agree.

486. okay, well... They're

487. Extremely salty, but-but good.

488. That's a start.

489. I mean, you know, you guys agree

490. About something.

491. Hey! All right.

492. my doctor say, no salt.

493. mine, too.

494. doctors are shit!

495. goddamn medicine men, trying

496. To tell me how to eat my food.

497. They're all shit.

498. well, look at that.

499. You guys agree about something!

500. Look at you two— two extremely

501. Hardheaded, unhealthy old men

502. Who refuse to listen to doctors.

503. Come on, you guys are, like...

504. Can we work this out?

505. All right, hwang, what if frank

506. Gives you, like, half the rent

507. Now, then you fix the heat?

508. And then, he gives you the other

509. Half when the job's done?

510. it's okay.

511. yeah?

512. All right, that's a deal.

513. That's a squashed beef.

514. Frank, you.

515. oh, as a matter of fact...

516. I could give the whole month's

517. Rent right here.

518. well, that'd be... Good.

519. I'll take it.

520. yeah, but I'm not gonna do

521. It, because I'm not gonna let

522. You beat me, because you're a

523. Lousy son of a bitch.

524. you're a dog!

525. I'm a dog, you're a dog, huh?

526. wait, wait, wait, wait.

527. how's that? Huh?

528. you're a fire dog!

529. plenty more where this came

530. From.

531. I could heat that apartment all

532. Winter, huh? You want it? Aah...

533. yeah, yeah, yeah, fire dog.

534. aw!

535. you're trying to burn me!

536. just give us an eye.

537. You don't need both of them.

538. I only have one good working

539. Eye.

540. yeah, but I think it might be

541. Better if you're blind anyway.

542. You know, it's gonna heighten

543. All your other senses.

544. let me think about it.

545. I'll think about it.

546. okay, give it some thought.

547. Give it some thought.

548. I'll think about it.

549. all right, well, we'll work

550. That angle.

551. all right, just...

552. ooh, maybe that's bruce.

553. oh, yeah. Hey, how'd you get

554. Him down here anyway?

555. I told him that his kids

556. Wanted to see him for

557. Thanksgiving, and that you guys

558. Wanted to be one big happy

559. Family again.

560. oh, nice.

561. hey.

562. who's this jabroni?

563. I have no idea.

564. Slam the door on his face.

565. see you, bozo.

566. whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

567. Actually, I know who this guy

568. Is. Holy shit!

569. Dude, this is the guy that frank

570. And dee mistook for bruce, and

571. Frank got that bad intel, so

572. They went to his apartment,

573. Instead of bruce's apartment.

574. and then we blew up his car.

575. blew the shit out of his car.

576. oh, my god.

577. wait a minute.

578. That was you guys?

579. huh? No.

580. I don't even know what you're

581. Talking about.

582. uh...

583. happy thanksgiving.

584. yeah, yeah.

585. wait, wait. Please.

586. Are my kids in there?

587. Somebody wrote me a note and

588. Said that my kids wanted to see

589. Me?

590. I haven't seen 'em since my wife

591. Left me.

592. Are they in here? Sabrina?

593. oh, this is bad.

594. yeah. Oh.

595. marco? Daddy's here.

596. oh, my god.

597. We really opened up a can of

598. Worms.

599. it's a bit messy.

600. The good news is, seems that the

601. Kids thing took his mind off the

602. Car thing, so, maybe it'll work

603. Itself out.

604. okay, good.

605. all right.

606. Mac.

607. hey.

608. hey, thanks for calling, man.

609. So, where are the kids?

610. I can't wait to see those little

611. Rug rats.

612. It's been forever.

613. I'm sure they're around

614. Somewhere.

615. Go ahead and mingle, and maybe

616. You'll find 'em.

617. my kids aren't really here,

618. Are they?

619. uh... No.

620. no. No, I lied about that.

621. thank god. Let's get

622. Shit-housed, right, guys?

623. what a piece of shit that guy

624. Is.

625. yeah, he's a real piece of

626. Shit, yeah.

627. oh, my god.

628. what the hell is ponderosa

629. Doing here?

630. well, he's the one that's

631. Responsible for liam's eye, so

632. We figured, you know, he shows

633. Up, it shifts the blame from us

634. To him, and, worst case

635. Scenario, they'll take his eye.

636. oh, my god, this is getting

637. Way too confusing.

638. We got too many beefs.

639. I can't keep up.

640. god, dee, we got it.

641. Honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

642. Too many beefs, we got it.

643. I'm not honking. I'm just...

644. I'm expressing something...

645. I'll admit it, it's getting

646. Confusing, there's a lot of

647. People here.

648. see?

649. I'll take some of the blame

650. For that. I did invite...

651. let us take the lead.

652. We got it, we got it.

653. okay.

654. can't get it to stay.

655. There you go.

656. hi, uh, everybody, I'd like

657. To say something, please.

658. Uh, could I have your attention,

659. I'd like to say something, yeah.

660. Um, so, the pilgrims hated the

661. Indians and the indians, they

662. Despised the pilgrims.

663. yeah.

664. but nonetheless, on

665. Thanksgiving, they got together,

666. Right, and it wasn't about

667. Apologizing to each other.

668. "aw..."

669. It wasn't about admitting guilt.

670. Won't do that. Okay?

671. It was just about making the

672. Peace— that was all that it was

673. About.

674. And if the indians knew how to

675. Sign shit, they probably

676. Would've signed a peace treaty.

677. Right? So that's what we're

678. We're gonna make peace with each

679. Other, and we're gonna get it in

680. Writing.

681. All right? Is everybody amenable

682. To that?

683. Sound good?

684. great, uh, so we'd like to

685. Begin with bill ponderosa.

686. yes.

687. it's not... There's no need

688. To clap.

689. It's not a clapping event.

690. no. Right. So...

691. Okay, so, um, bill, do you have

692. Something you'd like to admit to

693. Someone here?

694. yes, actually, I do.

695. Uh, I once broke into dee's

696. Apartment and sniffed on her

697. Panties.

698. what? Goddamn it! Beef!

699. No, I got beef with that.

700. uh, can we, um... Just stay

701. On track.

702. Um... Bill, is there something

703. You want to say to the mcpoyles?

704. oh, um... Hey, hey.

705. I love that painted-on eye, man.

706. That is fun.

707. no. No, wait. No, no.

708. Okay. No, no, no.

709. All right, hey, hey, hey!

710. Everybody stop clapping.

711. All right, liam, bill's the one

712. Who put bath salts in the punch

713. At your wedding, all right?

714. He's the one who is responsible

715. For your empty eyehole.

716. is this true, man?

717. maybe. I...

718. The only thing I remember from

719. That night is my sponsor frank

720. Giving me the green light to get

721. Shit-housed.

722. that's true.

723. that happened.

724. I'll back that up.

725. then it's your fault.

726. You owe my brother an eye!

727. all right, settle down!

728. Settle... Take it easy, all

729. Don't drag him into your beef

730. 'cause I need him to focus on

731. hey, frank, I'm giving this

732. Guy a handy under the table.

733. Are you jealous?

734. she's mashing it.

735. she does that.

736. I'm very aroused.

737. Very good.

738. look, I'm-I'm sorry.

739. Which one of you knows my

740. Ex-wife and when are my kids

741. Getting here?

742. they'll get here. Just...

743. who's this jabroni?

744. uh, this is the gentleman who

745. We mistook for bruce mathis.

746. right, yep, and then we blew

747. Up his car.

748. don't say that!

749. a-all of this, and it was you

750. Guys.

751. You owe me a car.

752. whoa, easy, man!

753. That's a big leap right there.

754. buddy, buddy, um, what's the

755. Deal with your kids?

756. Y-you haven't see 'em in a

757. While.

758. Did you do something?

759. Is it... Was it your fault?

760. oh. I have a horrible drug

761. Problem.

762. ooh, I hear you.

763. I know that game, huh?

764. You want to do a bump here?

765. yeah, of course I want a

766. Bump.

767. I'll have a few of those

768. Delicious nose clams.

769. frank, no, come on.

770. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

771. don't clap for that!

772. what? I can't have squash?

773. I can't have blow?

774. we need you to focus!

775. Sign the damn treaty!

776. All right, you know what, hwang,

777. You sign the treaty.

778. I'll sign it.

779. oh, gross! Don't touch me

780. With that hand!

781. put your hand over here.

782. I'll take sloppy seconds.

783. absolutely not.

784. mash me, baby. Mash me.

785. no mashing at the table!

786. Stop mashing, all right?

787. Come on. Goddamn it, frank, I'm

788. Starting to think I have beef

789. With you!

790. yeah, us, too!

791. okay, I have an idea.

792. It's time now to wipe the slate

793. Clean.

794. no, you said we were gonna do

795. The hatchet thing first!

796. don't worry about the hatchet

797. That was an unsanctioned move.

798. well, none of these moves are

799. We got to do something else!

800. food fight! Food fight!

801. I guess!

802. what?

803. No!

804. sign the treaty!

805. you owe me an eye, frank!

806. oh, shit.

807. no, no, no, no.

808. Uh, this was a bad idea.

809. we stirred up too much

810. Conflict.

811. yeah. It smells like smoke.

812. Is something burning?

813. I think it's coming from your

814. Room, dude.

815. what?

816. My room's on fire.

817. Why is my room on fire?

818. I may have started a money

819. Fire.

820. why would you start a fire in

821. I don't know, I don't know.

822. We got to think, we got to

823. Think.

824. Think, think.

825. I've got an idea.

826. so we're just gonna lock them

827. they're definitely gonna burn

828. okay, guys, nobody's gonna

829. Burn, all right?

830. There's a fire escape.

831. We'll call 911. We just need to

832. Buy a little time so we can get

833. The hell out of here.

834. I feel like we're just

835. Creating more beef.

836. which we will not resolve.

837. Beefs are best left simmering

838. Under the surface— I've learned

839. the best thing to do with a

840. Beef is jam it deep down inside

841. And then press forward.

842. what are we gonna do now?

843. you know, we could just buy

844. Thundergun and go to a

845. Different wawa.

846. yeah, it's a little

847. Inconvenient, but it's better

848. Than facing our problems.

849. yeah, or saying we're sorry,

850. Which I'm not doing.

851. hell, no, I don't do that.

852. all right, you want to go

853. Back to my place, get some

854. Blankets, bundle up?

855. Just us? No one else?

856. that's what I'm thankful for.

857. We don't need to get along with

858. Anybody else— we got each

859. yeah, screw everybody else.

860. I hate people who are

861. Different than me, you know?

862. Why pretend?

863. There's a fire

864. Escape right here.

865. fire escape.

866. Out the window.

867. who's got me? Man down.

868. I right back here, guys.

869. Who's got me? Guys?

870. Hello? Hello?

871. Captioned by

872. Media access group at wgbh

873. Access.Wgbh.Org

874. Dimension

875. He'll take my arm

876. And rocking

877. It's one time I'm glad I'm not

878. Feels like I'm dreaming but I'm