1. I give you... ♪
Dee, what are
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2. You doing?
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3. I'm eating cake.
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4. I can see that you're
eating cake, but that's frank's
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5. Cake from, like, a month ago.
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6. I threw that in the trash!
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7. Oh, my god.
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8. Seriously?
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9. dee, you're eating
trash cake and smoking?
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10. I mean, you know what
you look like?
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11. You look like...
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12. like a bird?
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13. yeah. Yeah, of course you
look like a bird.
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14. you always look like a bird.
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15. But I was gonna say, uh,
you look like a...
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16. like a, like a bird lady
covered in bird shit
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17. Eating cake?
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18. dee, slow down, all right?
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19. yeah. Let the man do this.
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20. let me do my thing.
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21. You're jumping on my thing here.
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22. You know what she
looks like?
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23. She looks like a bird
that has no...
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24. a bird with no tits
and no ass?
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25. dee, let us handle...
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26. yeah.
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27. I got one, I got one.
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28. go, go, go, go, go, go!
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29. she looks like...
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30. like a bird.
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31. that was it.
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32. was that it?
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33. ah...
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34. see? That would have
been funny, dee.
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35. right. Yeah, dee, don't...
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36. What are you doing?
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37. You know, that's not fun.
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38. Stop. Stop whatever this is.
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39. I don't like it.
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40. I'm sorry, you guys.
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41. I'm sorry.
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42. don't apologize.
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43. That's just sad.
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44. Fight back at us.
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45. The joke's always on me,
all right?
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46. yeah, but it's no fun
unless you fight back.
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47. yeah, I'm just gonna go home.
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48. good, go home.
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49. I hope you, uh...
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50. you hope I get hit by a bus?
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51. dee, come on, that's...
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52. what difference does it make?
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53. I can't get any lower than
I am already.
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54. I might as well just throw
myself in front of a bus
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55. Though, because I'm so ugly
I can't even get a bus
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56. To hit on me.
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57. well.
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58. geez.
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59. what the hell was that
all about?
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60. I'll tell you exactly what
that was.
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61. I'll tell you exactly what
that was.
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62. ♪ there's a diamond ring...
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63. dee? Dee, are you dead?
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64. did you kill yourself,
dee, or...?
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65. Ah.
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66. dee, why is your door
unlocked?
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67. Do you realize how unsafe
that is?
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68. okay, dee, this is
truly pathetic, and you are
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69. Really bringing us down,
so we're gonna help you out.
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70. we realize we may be in some
ways responsible for the
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71. State you're in.
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72. mm, let's not...
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73. yeah, all right, so we got an
idea though, okay?
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74. We're gonna sign you up for an
open mic night at a
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75. Comedy club!
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76. right? That's your thing!
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77. And we're actually gonna support
you, dee.
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78. and now that you don't care
anymore, you're not gonna
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79. yeah, you know, you're right
in that sweet spot between,
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80. Like, suicidal and actually
dead, where most comedians,
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81. yeah, what was that thing you
said about how the joke's always
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82. On you?
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83. That could be a catchphrase.
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84. dee, look, I don't want to
pile on here, 'cause you're
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85. Clearly very close to killing
yourself...
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86. But I got to say, I
totally disagree with the guys
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87. On this.
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88. I'm glad you've given up.
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89. And I want to propose something
totally different: I would like
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90. To find you a man.
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91. come on.
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92. yeah. A man to settle
down with.
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93. Now, I'm not talking about a
smart man, not-not
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94. A handsome man,
but a very, very average if not
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95. Below average man to take you
off of our hands forever.
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96. yeah, okay. Go ahead.
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97. Go with it.
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98. go with it?
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99. which one?
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100. You were not clear.
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101. the thing. Whatever. Both.
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102. let's-let's do my plan.
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103. the comedy plan.
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104. We're gonna do the comedy plan,
all right?
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105. meh.
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106. Dude, she is gonna
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107. Bomb so hard, and then she's
gonna feel worse.
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108. She'll tell a couple jokes, and
then we'll, like, fake laugh
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109. And stuff, you know?
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110. and tomorrow we can shit
on her.
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111. And she'll fight back and
be happy again.
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112. say something!
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113. I decided
to stop showering.
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114. too much, frank, too much.
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115. that's...
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116. there was no joke told.
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117. I just figured,
"what's the point?
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118. I'm just a filthy person."
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119. I passed out at the park the
other day, and a couple of kids
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120. Wrote, "wash me" in the filth
on my vagina.
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121. gross.
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122. that was kind of funny, man.
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123. That was kind of funny.
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124. it was so gross.
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125. Yeah, but that guy over
there laughed.
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126. I guess, joke's on me.
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127. there's the catchphrase.
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128. yeah, yeah! Ca...
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129. Yeah, that's like a ca...
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130. this is ridiculous.
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131. I'm gonna go select some men
for dee.
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132. This is a waste of time.
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133. um, I stepped in front of a
bus, but it missed me.
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134. I can't even get a bus
to hit on me.
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135. people are laughing!
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136. we love it!
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137. for real.
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138. for real?
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139. yeah!
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140. knock, knock, knock.
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141. Can we say hi? There she is!
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142. comedy star.
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143. dee, so funny.
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144. really funny.
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145. oh, my god, so funny.
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146. great! It was
absolutely great!
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147. you did the bus joke, and it
was like...
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148. they loved the catchphrase.
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149. they loved the catchphrase!
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150. and think about this, dee.
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151. You didn't even gag once.
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152. Not one dry heave, nothing.
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153. I guess I did pretty good.
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154. Dee, it was one of those shows
where you're, like, "whoa!"
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155. and then your brain
goes.
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156. all right, guys,
will you stop, okay?
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157. Please, go get a drink,
all right?
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158. Give us a second.
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159. I need to talk to dee.
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160. we tried.
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161. yeah, you tried.
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162. that was it.
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163. all right, listen,
listen to me.
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164. Your set tonight was terrible.
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165. Every single thing that came
out of your mouth was trash.
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166. It was filth. It was disgusting.
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167. That's what really happened,
okay?
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168. I want to be very clear
about this.
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169. Now, listen, I brought some men
for you to look at, all right?
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170. I've got some selections.
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171. They're not, they're not anybody
to brag about, but, uh, you
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172. And they're probably willing to
spend their life with you, so...
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173. uh, hey, uh, sorry
to interrupt.
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174. My name's snyder, and I'm
a talent scout.
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175. And I just caught your last set.
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176. You were hilarious.
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177. So I just wanted to give you
my card.
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178. Give me a call.
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179. no, she will not be calling
you, sir, okay?
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180. Please do not encourage her.
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181. You're-you're interrupting my
work, all right?
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182. You're not on my list
of chosen men.
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183. Why would you be?
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184. what are you...?
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185. christ.
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186. what are you doing?
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187. Why would you do that?
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188. That guy clearly just lurks
around these places pretending
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189. To be a talent scout so he
can hit on women.
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190. Now look-look at my selects,
all right?
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191. Look at these guys, huh?
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192. yeah, I know.
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193. this one's just, like, one
big chin.
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194. well, I didn't have a lot
to work with.
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195. You know, here we are,
and look at you.
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196. I mean, for christ's sakes,
look.
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197. Look, I want this to work,
I really do.
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198. So I know I can do better,
all right?
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199. I'm gonna be at your house
tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.M.
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200. Have some new candidates
for you to look at, all right?
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201. okay.
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202. this is gonna work.
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203. This is not gonna work.
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204. Let's get you cleaned up,
all right?
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205. God, everything you did tonight
was so gross.
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206. oh! What is this?
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207. You're locking your door
all of sudden?
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208. What is that? Come on.
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209. You care all of a sudden?
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210. what? What?
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211. hey, let me in.
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212. I got selections for you.
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213. now's not a good time.
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214. I'm right in the middle
of something.
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215. Hey, it's the time I said,
so it's the time it'll be.
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216. Now let me in. I got selects.
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217. I don't care about
your selects.
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218. Go!
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219. what are you doing?
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220. Are you hiding something?
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221. no.
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222. is someone in there?
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223. no, no. Don't worry about it.
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224. let me in or I'll barge in.
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225. hey, everything all right
over there, dee?
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226. yeah, it's fine.
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227. oh, no.
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228. Dee, oh... Oh!
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229. Snyder?
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230. mm-hmm.
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231. Or you're using him to further
your nonexistent career.
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232. I am not using him.
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233. oh, you're not using him?
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234. oh, good, good, good, good.
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235. So, you like him?
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236. mm-hmm.
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237. find him attractive?
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238. describe the ways in which
you find him attractive.
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239. he's got... He's got all of
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240. His skin, still.
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241. well, I would hope so.
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242. and that he has plenty of...
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243. Teeth to get...
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244. but not all of them?
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245. no, not all of them.
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246. Dee, why can't you see that this
is the same pattern that you
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247. Always fall into?
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248. Some guy uses you or you
use him.
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249. It's use, use, use, fail, fail,
fail, and then it's suicide.
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250. You think you can't go any
lower?
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251. Because you can.
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252. oh, yeah?
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253. Well, he got me another gig for
tonight, boner.
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254. What do you think of about that?
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255. what-what is that?
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256. What are you... What are you
doing?
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257. sound effects.
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258. oh, goddamn, dee.
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259. You have no idea what's funny.
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260. Don't do sound effects.
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261. don't do... Don't... Wh-what...
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262. Oh, oh, oh.
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263. hey, hey, hey! Oh!
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264. hey, dennis, oh, check this
place out.
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265. This is legit.
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266. dude, dude, dee's opening
for landslide.
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267. That guy's, like, the real deal.
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268. I've never heard of him.
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269. yeah, he's the diarrhea guy,
but it look-looks like this
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270. Comedy stuff's paying off for
her.
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271. hey, you don't get a gig like
this by accident.
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272. oh, come on, don't get too
excited, all right?
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273. She got the gig 'cause she's
banging some creep.
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274. It's not gonna go well.
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275. who's the nerd?
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276. Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem,
just like dee, so they're
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277. So after she bombs tonight, I'll
put them together, thereby
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278. Controlling the situation, and
her, as I always have and I
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279. Always will.
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280. what?
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281. uh... Walt, just walt-walt's
the plan.
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282. I'm walt.
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283. yeah, shut up, walt.
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284. They know who you are.
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285. I'm sorry.
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286. ladies and gentlemen, sweet
dee reynolds!
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287. sweet dee!
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288. sweet dee, joke's on you!
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289. she's got fans now?
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290. Christ, come on.
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291. so I finally broke down and I
took a shower the other day.
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292. The stink flipped around and now
my soap smells like dirty vag.
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293. she said "vagina."
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294. A woman said "vagina."
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295. that's what makes it funny!
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296. tasteless.
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297. Vagina,
vagina.
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298. Vagina, vagina.
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299. and the sound effects out of
absolutely nowhere, no setup.
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300. but it's funny!
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301. it's not funny, it's not
funny.
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302. it's funny, dennis.
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303. what are you doing?
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304. Will you stop laughing, walt?
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305. Oh, my god, this is the worst.
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306. People will laugh at absolutely
anything.
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307. This is comedy?
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308. so, men are just so hard.
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309. Tell you what, they all walk
out on me.
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310. Every one of them.
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311. I can't even keep crabs in this
vagina.
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312. they're all like, "clickety
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313. Clackety, clickety clackety,
clickety clackety clack.
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314. I got to get out of here!"
Evacuate vagina.
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315. the crabs have machine guns.
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316. That makes sense.
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317. all right, well, that's it
for me tonight.
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318. I'd like to say it was fun, but
I've had a better time ripping
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319. Out my own pubes.
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320. Shellac, shellac, rip!
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321. ping, ping, ping, ow!
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322. okay, you guys, well, I'm sweet
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323. Dee, and the joke's on me!
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324. what is going on?
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325. This is unbelievable.
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326. let's give it up for
landslide!
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327. well, that was a funny white
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328. Bitch, wasn't it?
skinny though.
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329. I took bigger dumps than her.
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330. It's a landslide!
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331. oh, my god.
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332. I bet his diarrhea is nasty!
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333. nasty!
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334. oh, butts, vaginas and
diarrhea, great.
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335. This is what the world's
come to.
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336. hey, hey.
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337. the list? I'm-I'm sweet dee's
brother, so we're good.
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338. can't let you back there
unless you're on the list.
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339. we got to be on that list.
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340. I'm not on a list for a place
that I don't want to be.
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341. You know how that feels?
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342. Hey, dee? Dee?
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343. Uh, don't play this game, dee.
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344. I-I... We're five feet away from
you, I know you hear...
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345. deandra.
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346. dee. Dee.
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347. Da.
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348. Da.
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349. Da.
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350. Dah.
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351. Dah.
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352. Dah. Dah.
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353. yes, yes, yes. What? What?
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354. oh, hey.
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355. hi. What?
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356. hey, dee, can we come back
there with you?
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357. yeah, hey, we're, like,
you're biggest fans, like, great
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358. Show, like, good job, like,
shut up, I'm sorry.
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359. we're gonna start a fan club.
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360. oh, come on, stop kissing her
ass.
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361. Dee, enough of this, okay?
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362. Step over the rope and come meet
walt.
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363. tell you what.
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364. You three, you're in.
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365. Dennis, you're out.
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366. go before she changes her
mind, go.
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367. hey! Faced! Thanks, dee.
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368. dee, who do you think you
are?
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369. what is the matter with you,
dennis?
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370. You see them?
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371. They're supporting me, okay?
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372. Because they believe in me.
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373. A fan club could really help
further my career.
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374. career? Oh, wow, dee.
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375. See, you don't have a career.
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376. All right? So I need you to stop
all this right now.
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377. It's gone too far.
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378. Now, come meet walt.
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379. He is my select.
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380. you know what I think this is
about, dennis?
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381. I think you're jealous.
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382. I don't think you want me to
succeed.
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383. dee, let me be very clear
about something.
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384. You will never succeed.
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385. Ever.
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386. Instead, you will fly too close
to the sun, and you will choke
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387. And you will gag in a
spectacular manner.
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388. So, please, for the love of god,
take walt.
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389. she knows your goddamn name,
walt; I said it, like, a
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390. Thousand times.
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391. look, you know what?
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392. I don't want to be with walt,
okay?
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393. And I don't want you to find me
a man.
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394. What I need you to do is stay
out of my way, because sweet dee
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395. Is gonna be a star.
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396. all right!
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397. Here, buddy, everyone else.
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398. right, I'm sweet dee, and the
joke's on me!
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399. Thank you very much.
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400. I don't care that you only have
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401. One mic.
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402. Dee reynolds does not use mics
that other so-called comedians
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403. Have spit into, okay?
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404. So get another one.
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405. dee reynolds?
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406. mm-hmm.
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407. hi, I'm michael rotenberg.
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408. I'm a talent manager from los
angeles.
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409. I've heard a lot about you.
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410. oh, hi. Well...
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411. I've got a proposition for
you.
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412. One of my bigger clients is
supposed to do conan tomorrow
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413. They need to fill the spot,
and I brought your name up.
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414. Are you interested?
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415. conan o...
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416. Conan o'brien?
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417. I would love to represent you,
too; I think you're amazing.
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418. I can fly you to l.A. Tomorrow
on my private jet, and we can go
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419. Straight to conan.
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420. What do you say?
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421. uh, well, my goodness.
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422. This is all... This is all...
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423. This is all...
this is all...
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424. Oh, boy, hold on.
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425. uh, you okay?
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426. oh, yeah, yeah.
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427. It's just, uh, just had a
little piece of sausage.
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428. okay, I'm sure you did.
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429. Um, now, I'm not stepping on
anyone's toes here, am I?
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430. Do you already have
representation?
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431. representation? No.
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432. hey, sweetheart, there you
are.
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433. ew! Mm-mm.
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434. who the hell's that?
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435. this is, uh, my new manager.
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436. what?
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437. sorry, snyder, I don't need
you anymore.
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438. This guy's taking me to
hollywood on a private jet.
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439. what? Hollywood!
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440. hollywood!
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441. we're going to hollywood!
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442. no, no, no!
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443. there's plenty of room if you
want to take your friends.
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444. there's no room, okay?
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445. I have no use for you guys
anymore.
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446. hey, what do you say we go
back to my hotel and have sex?
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447. absolutely.
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448. Screw you, guys.
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449. what the hell, dee?
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450. We made you!
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451. I'm sorry, you made me?
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452. You made me?
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453. I made you!
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454. Screw you guys, all right?
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455. oh.
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456. oh, my.
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457. here we go.
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458. okay.
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459. you excited?
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460. am I excited?
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461. Y... Yes, I am.
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462. Yes, I...
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463. dee, wait, wait.
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464. Wait.
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465. I made a mistake.
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466. All this time, I've been
searching for the perfect guy to
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467. Take you off of my hands
forever, but... I realized
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468. Something.
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469. The perfect guy's been under my
nose the entire time.
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470. It's me, dee.
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471. I'm the perfect select.
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472. I know, I've spent my entire
life shitting all over your
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473. Dreams, and not supporting you,
but I was wrong, dee.
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474. I see that now.
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475. You can succeed.
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476. You wibe a star.
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477. You have to take me.
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478. I'm your twin brother.
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479. I love you, dee.
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480. dennis...
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481. Suck my dick.
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482. wait.
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483. Dee!
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484. No, wait, dee, wait!
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485. Don't do this, dee!
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486. Dee, wait!
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487. Dee, stop!
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488. Don't fly away now!
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489. Dee, wait!
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490. Wait!
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491. so when we get to l.A.,
you're going straight into the
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492. I'm gonna whisk you right
backstage, and we go straight
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493. On.
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494. You're not in philadelphia
anymore, okay?
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495. people are gonna be screaming
your name, there's gonna be
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496. Paparazzi.
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497. papa... Whew.
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498. Paparazzi, huh?
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499. yes.
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500. I tipped them off.
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501. It's all about image.
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502. it's great!
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503. It's all super sudden though,
isn't it?
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504. ooh.
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505. There's a real smell to
that one.
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506. yeah, that...
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507. that one was... Came...
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508. Started deep, that's all.
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509. if you nail this, we're talking
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510. Sitcoms, movie deals, the whole
nine yards.
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511. yeah.
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512. so let's get focused.
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513. yes.
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514. all right.
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515. yeah.
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516. Let's focus.
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517. Focus.
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518. I've been here for years
I'm rockin' my peers
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519. ♪ I'm gonna knock you out
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520. Huh!
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521. Mama said knock you out
♪ huh!
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522. I'm gonna knock you out
huh!
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523. I'm gonna knock you out
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524. welcome to los angeles.
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525. Are you ready?
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526. Okay.
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527. this is insane.
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528. driver, take the canyons.
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529. Don't go on the highway.
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530. let's see...
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531. you're gonna be great!
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532. You're gonna be great!
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533. here we go again.
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534. You ready?
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535. okay, dee is here, dee
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536. Reynolds is here!
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537. well, you're late.
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538. Hair and makeup!
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539. The announcer's gonna call your
name, you're gonna walk right
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540. Through those curtains and do
your routine.
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541. This is your moment, you got to
grab it, jump on it, okay?
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542. I'll be very...
good. You're gonna be great.
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543. You're gonna be great.
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544. Dee, dee, you're gonna be a
star, all right?
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545. I made it, I made it.
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546. I made it, I can do this.
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547. Okay, calm down, you can do
this.
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548. You did this all by yourself,
you can do this.
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549. Okay.
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550. Ladies and gentlemen,
a very funny woman, miss sweet
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551. Dee reynolds.
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552. dee reynolds is a star.
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553. the joke's on you!
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554. Speech, speech,
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555. Speech, speech, speech...
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556. shh, shh, shh!
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557. what...
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558. What is going on?
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559. we tricked you, we tricked
you, we tricked you!
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560. we set the whole thing up!
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561. You know?
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562. yeah!
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563. none of that was real.
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564. All of these people are actors.
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565. I chartered a jet.
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566. We flew all over philadelphia
for six hours.
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567. and I'm a garbage man.
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568. he's a garbage man!
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569. he's your garbage man!
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570. You've met him.
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571. none of this is real, dee!
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572. None of it!
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573. hey, hey, some of it was
real.
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574. yeah!
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575. You banged that guy!
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576. hey, best part?
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577. Dennis wasn't even in on any
of it!
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578. I was and I wasn't.
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579. I was and I wasn't.
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580. he wasn't, he wasn't.
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581. No, we knew we had to drag him
through the mud, make it seem
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582. Legit.
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583. It was great, it was great.
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584. the joke's on him, too!
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585. well, it was good.
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586. It was a good joke.
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587. It was a good joke.
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588. Good joke, guys, I love jokes.
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589. she's got more to say.
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590. oh.
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591. she's got more to say.
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592. oh, well, you know, you were
being all mopey and annoying...
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593. yeah.
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594. we wanted to show you that
you could sink lower.
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595. talking about killing
yourself, ugh.
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596. some things you just don't
joke about, okay?
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597. yeah, yeah, yeah.
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598. you took it too far.
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599. right.
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600. too far.
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601. yeah.
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602. I took it too far?
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603. that's what I said.
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604. oh... I took... I took it
too far?
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605. Oh, god, you sons of bitches!
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606. and there she goes!
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607. she's back!
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608. I... No!
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609. all right, so we got dee
back, and I think we may have
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610. Broke dennis.
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611. broke me?
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612. Nah, come on, I'm good.
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613. I love all this.
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614. This is great.
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615. I'm gonna pop out for a little
while.
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616. he's not loving it.
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617. he's not.
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618. no, he's not.
he might go kill himself.
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