It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 8x5

1. Goddamn.

2. And how is the psoriasis coming?

3. Has it gotten any better?

4. Oh! It's not good, Doc, it's not good.

5. I'm scaling up like a goddamn boa constrictor over here.

6. Skin conditions can be manifestations of deeper issues.

7. Well, you're not a skin doctor, so let's drop it already, okay?

8. I got beef with you.

9. Excuse me?

10. I am mad at you!

11. Remember that cooperative dinner you had me have with my friends

12. so we could try and resolve some of our issues?

13. Well, it blew up in my face.

14. What happened?

15. Uh, screaming and tears and physical threats, uh, Frank

16. pulled out his gun, somebody dropped the "N" bomb.

17. I don't remember where that came from, but it was messy.

18. No, I mean why did it all fall apart?

19. Oh. No one was assigned the dishes.

20. And that all happened over the dishes?

21. Yes. And frankly, I haven't seen any results since I've been

22. coming to you, so as far as I'm concerned, you're in the hot

23. seat until you resolve this.

24. Resolve this...?

25. Who's going to do the dishes!

26. And also, this is a great opportunity for you to see how

27. insane my asshole friends are.

28. You brought them here?

29. Of course I brought them here... what, are you gonna come to my house?

30. Hey, assholes, get in here.

31. Did you guys sort it out?

32. Did you sort it out already?

33. How long were we gonna sit out there for?

34. All right, listen, lady, I'll tell you one thing.

35. I ain't doing these goddamn dishes!

36. Therapy is stupid.

37. I don't trust a shrink.

38. They screw with your head.

39. Frank, it's the only way to settle the argument and find out who is the winner.

40. Okay, uh... let me first just say that arguments do not have winners.

41. Yeah, actually, this argument is more about

42. determining who the loser will be, because most of us will be winners.

43. Yeah, yeah, and it's not gonna be me, okay?

44. I'm not doing those dishes, because I had the hardest job.

45. Setting the table?

46. Are you dumb?

47. I hosted!

48. It was wall-to-wall details!

49. I was on edge the whole time.

50. Well, it's gonna be you or Frank or Charlie, 'cause Dennis and I cooked.

51. The food was mush.

52. The food was divine.

53. It was pheasant.

54. I never did the dishes before and I'm not starting now.

55. I bankrolled; case closed.

56. Well, I had the hardest job of anyone... I traveled all the

57. way to this exotic merchant in search of this rare fowl...

58. What the hell are you talking about, Charlie?

59. You went to the corner gourmet grocery store and you bought pheasant.

60. Okay. This is all, you know, a little bit unorthodox, but it

61. is clearly about much more than just the dishes.

62. Yeah, there's always levels.

63. Well, yeah, I mean, we're complex people, you know?

64. Our rivers run deep, and... I believe I can help you with this.

65. Let me stop you right there, actually, Doc... I can help you.

66. You see, I have a background in academic psych myself, from an.

67. Ivy League college, no less, not this, uh, LaSalle.

68. It sounds like a pasta dish.

69. It does, it does.

70. But let's not be mean, Frank.

71. Some people don't have the same access that we do.

72. Now, use me as a resource.

73. Think of me as a colleague.

74. Now, I was thinking we could start with a few one-on-ones,

75. you know, move on to a couple of mix-'em-ups, you know, and then

76. end with a big group dealio.

77. I'm going first, please?

78. Can I go first?

79. Uh, Mac, I'll be the one to determine who goes first.

80. And it is you.

81. Aah! Yes!

82. You seem very on edge.

83. Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge!

84. I hosted the shit out of that party!

85. And that's just not setting the table, okay?

86. I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I

87. provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe! (Panting)

88. You know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't

89. even understand me and we're not even that good of friends.

90. (screams) That's bullshit!

91. That's bullshit!

92. We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world!

93. Goddamn them for making me think otherwise!

94. Are you okay?

95. Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

96. I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.

97. Mac, let me ask you a question.

98. Yeah.

99. Do you often feel strong emotion felt in quick succession?

100. Oh, yeah. And not just my emotions.

101. I have had a slight fluctuation with my weight recently.

102. I see. And how much weight are we talking about?

103. I gained and lost 60 pounds in three months.

104. Wow, that's almost impossible.

105. Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so

106. jot that down.

107. And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there.

108. I had to buy all new clothes, and... people used to cross the

109. street when I would walk by.

110. They'd be, like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us",

111. you know, barreling towards us."

112. Mac... you're not that guy anymore.

113. Don't you think I know that?

114. And I'm starting to think that I'll never become that monster again.

115. Oh, so you preferred being scary to people?

116. Yeah. Lady, I was as big as a skyscraper, and now I'm as tiny

117. as a postage stamp.

118. Oh. I get it. Cute.

119. You leave this pen here and people are supposed to think,

120. "Wait, that looks like a dick."

121. Mac, have you ever heard of the term "body dysmorphia"?

122. Is that what I have?

123. Is that what's making me so thin?

124. No. Body dysmorphia is when you see a distorted version of

125. yourself that no one perceives but you.

126. Oh, but Dennis perceives it, too, because he's been giving me

127. size pills to make me bigger.

128. Dennis is, like, my best buddy.

129. Well, oftentimes, drugs don't address the root of the problem.

130. Talking through the issues may be the best way for you to

131. address your mood swings and body issues.

132. Talking about it?

133. Talking about it!

134. No, that's good. That's good.

135. So if we talk about it, then you think that I'll get most

136. bigger... from talking!

137. Oh, that's really good.

138. You know... thank you.

139. Thank you for this.

140. You know, when I first walked in here, I was, like, "There's no"

141. way that this is gonna work,"

142. 'cause I just do not get the whole woman doctor thing, but

143. then when you started talking about God, I realized that

144. you're one of the smart ones.

145. All right, let's do it, let's talk about it.

146. Let's talk about God, and let's talk about how you're gonna make

147. me more bigger.

148. Will you put the pen down?

149. Hey-o! Time's up!

150. Get out, slim. Let's go.

151. That door is supposed to be locked.

152. Oh, yeah, yeah, I taped the knob... I knew I'd be popping in

153. and out quite a bit.

154. Let's go. Ticktock, ticktock.

155. Time's up. Ticktock, tiny man.

156. Okay, let's not get bogged down.

157. You know, just time for headlines.

158. Okay. These guys need structure, Doc, and that'll become clear to

159. you... you just don't see it yet.

160. Now, you are gonna want to strap in for this next one.

161. Charlie? (Clears throat)

162. Um... why don't you share with me how you feel the dinner went.

163. Fine, I'll do the dishes!

164. You're just gonna make me do 'em anyway!

165. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

166. Why do you assume I'm gonna make you do the dishes?

167. 'Cause it's Charlie work, and I'm gonna get stuck with it, so

168. I'll just do the dishes!

169. Goddamn it!

170. "Charlie work."

171. What's "Charlie work"?

172. Fill me in.

173. Oh, right.

174. You don't even know what Cha...?

175. Right. Okay, well, Charlie work is, like, you know, like,

176. basement stuff, cleaning urinals, uh, blood stuff, your

177. basic slimes, your sludges.

178. Anything dead, or decay, you know, I'm on it, I'm dealing with it.

179. And you dislike it?

180. Well, no. I mean, at its core, I love it.

181. You know, I love the dark, I love slippery things, I love

182. being naked, uh, in the sewer.

183. Bleach smells good, uh, tastes good, you know, but it's just,

184. like, I don't like being told what to... (grunts)

185. I'm sorry, I didn't get that last one.

186. I don't like being told what to do.

187. Everyone's always telling me what to do all the time.

188. Got it, got it.

189. Kick me around.

190. I'm, like, probably the weirdest guy in the universe, you know.

191. Probably even weirder than someone from Saturn.

192. Why do you think you're weird?

193. I don't know.

194. I'm just... weird, I guess.

195. What did... what did Dee tell you?

196. I'm not at liberty to discuss other patients... I mean, like, would it be

197. weird if you survived an abortion?

198. You know, would it be weird if, like, you shared a bed with a

199. man who may or may not be your father?

200. Again, I can't talk about... You know what would be weird?

201. If you eat cat food to go to sleep, and you have such a

202. fascination with cats that maybe you glue cat hair on the back of

203. your neck every now and then?

204. That's new information that I haven't... You know, I mean, 'cause, so,

205. you know, like, is it bad?

206. No. No. Being comfortable in your own skin is never a bad thing.

207. Oh, my God, right.

208. Okay, so if I got, like, more skin or something, then I

209. could, like, never do a bad thing in my life, and maybe I

210. never have done a bad thing 'cause I have a lot of skin.

211. That's not what I'm saying.

212. What I'm saying is, given your... nontraditional life

213. choices, you are surprisingly well-adjusted.

214. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm well-adjusted, you know, because

215. of my lack of traditions, and I'll adjust to that, and...

216. I feel like you're mirroring my words, but you're not exactly

217. understanding them.

218. You're saying, like, do the things you do, go even further with them.

219. You know, maybe get a ton of cat hair, glue it all over your

220. body, you know, walk around like a cat man in the night through the alleyways.

221. You know, and stop hiding the pigeon.

222. The pigeon?

223. This one. You know, let him be who he wants, let him... let him fly away. Go!

224. He's dead, I think.

225. So, you've had the... a dead pigeon in your jacket this whole time?

226. He was alive at one point, you know.

227. I'm not crazy. It's just, I think I might have hugged him a

228. little too hard, kind of smothered him a bit, but, um,

229. hey, we'll make an adjustment,

230. uh, to it, and we'll make a tradition out of it.

231. Okay... (clears throat)

232. Let's talk about... I ain't talking about nothing!

233. This skull is Fort Knox.

234. Why don't you trust therapists?

235. I opened up to a therapist just once.

236. I was a kid.

237. I got into a fight.

238. The doctor asked me question after question!

239. Got me so scrambled up.

240. Next thing you know, I was shanghaied upstate to a nitwit school.

241. You know what a nitwit school is?

242. I assume you mean a school for the mentally disabled.

243. Yeah. Not just for nuts in the head.

244. Bodies, too.

245. Back then, science was real crude.

246. They stuck us all together.

247. My roommate was a frog kid.

248. You ever see a frog kid?

249. Frog kid?

250. Yeah. The place was windowless.

251. There was a guard every ten feet.

252. All the rooms had drains in the floors so they could hose us down.

253. How terrible!

254. Got my first kiss there.

255. Frank?

256. It was terrible!

257. But not her.

258. She was an angel.

259. Always smiling.

260. That's because she had no lips, but her mouth was still very much in play.

261. Let's talk about the dishes.

262. Oh!

263. She died two weeks later.

264. She thought she was a space man with a plastic bag for a helmet.

265. Oh!

266. Aah!

267. Oh, you unzipped me.

268. It's all coming back.

269. It's all coming back.

270. I hate you!

271. It's all coming back, you understand?

272. I don't like it!

273. I don't like to think about it.

274. Oh, it's-it's... With a plastic bag for a helmet!

275. Oh! Oh!

276. Oh, you unzipped me. Oh! Oh!

277. This is me saluting you.

278. I'm a big fan of your work.

279. How quickly you rattled their cages, broke them all down.

280. It's not about breaking.

281. It's about helping them.

282. Hmm. It's interesting, our thing, isn't it?

283. To be in someone's mind, to have complete control.

284. It's like the thrill of being near the executioner's switch,

285. knowing that at any moment, you could throw it, but knowing you

286. never will.

287. But you could.

288. Never isn't the right word, because I could, and I might.

289. I probably will.

290. Will you sit down, please?

291. Yeah, sure. Sorry.

292. Did I make you nervous?

293. Not my intention.

294. Well... (sighs)

295. So... who would you like to discuss first?

296. How about you?

297. That's good, but we don't really have time for jokes, so

298. let's jump right into it, shall we?

299. Now, I've long maintained psychological dossiers on every

300. single one of those raving lunatics in your waiting room

301. right now.

302. The top one, and the thickest, by far, is Charlie's, of course.

303. But I'd rather start... with Mac.

304. Oh.

305. Start with a simple one.

306. Now, how did your session with him go?

307. Dennis, as I think you know, I'm not at liberty to discuss

308. another patient.

309. Listen, why don't you think of me more as a peer, you know,

310. in the academic sense, of course?

311. In terms of age, you're decades older than me.

312. But why don't I start, okay?

313. Um, if you'll open up your dossier there, you'll see there

314. on the first page is something that you picked up on almost

315. immediately, which is his reverse body dysmorphia.

316. And this... a well-placed pen, can have quite an effect on a

317. man like him.

318. This must have given him quite the thrill.

319. I bet he tried to suck on this.

320. Did he?

321. Huh?

322. It's okay, Doc.

323. You can tell me.

324. He's always sucking on the pens in our apartment.

325. I'm always having to hide them.

326. Well, I showed you mine.

327. Why are some of these pages written in crayon?

328. My file on Dee was started in the second grade.

329. Interesting.

330. Interesting?

331. Tell me about these size pills you're giving Mac.

332. Well, now, that's more like it.

333. So they're Mexican ephedra.

334. Calling them size pills was an eloquent solution.

335. The guy was gross.

336. It was disgusting.

337. He was fat as shit, he smelled liked shit, he sounded like

338. shit, his groans, his snores, the sleep apnea.

339. It was gross.

340. He was repulsive, really.

341. So he has no appetite because you're drugging him, secretly.

342. Giving a man medicine for his disease... wherever did I get

343. that idea?

344. What are you writing?

345. Writing?

346. Oh, nothing.

347. Drawing.

348. Drawing conclusions.

349. And... drawing this.

350. You like it?

351. It's very generous.

352. Dee, I'm afraid I have a serious issue to discuss with you.

353. Yeah.

354. I cannot help you if you are lying in every session.

355. Lying?

356. Why would I be lying?

357. What are you talking about?

358. Why would you... where are you getting this?

359. Were you or were you not... Uh-huh.

360. the first choice for the female lead in The Notebook?

361. Yes.

362. Yes, I was and I had to, unfortunately, pass because of

363. a scheduling conflict.

364. We... (laughs)

365. We went over this.

366. I graciously handed it to Rachel McAdams and she did a fine job

367. with the film.

368. I'm secure enough to admit that.

369. I'm finding all this hard to believe.

370. (Brooklyn accent): Oh, what do you want to hear, Doc, huh?

371. That I had cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid?

372. That this isn't a surgery scar, huh?

373. That my father stabbed me? Huh?

374. Okay, let me interrupt you for a second, okay, because I

375. think we have an example happening right before our eyes.

376. You're speaking right now with a Brooklyn accent and yet...

377. (normal voice): Boston.

378. It was a Boston accent.

379. The accent was clearly from Brooklyn.

380. This isn't a surgery scar.

381. No, you don't say scar.

382. That's clearly Brook... Yes, I did.

383. No.

384. Okay, the point is, Dee... >> It's a really good... Hmm?

385. I just met your father and I think that little bit was from.

386. Good Will Hunting.

387. Yeah, he's not my father.

388. That's a whole can of worms.

389. I don't want to go into it.

390. But it was from Good Will Hunting.

391. How-how did you enjoy it?

392. I'd rather discuss the father issue.

393. You know what, she really wasn't that great, now that I

394. think about it.

395. Who?

396. Rachel McAdams.

397. Feel like I could've done a better job.

398. Do you think that I would've done a better job, with that.

399. Ryan Gosling?

400. I've never seen you act.

401. Oh, really?

402. Uh... ta-da!

403. I've been lying the whole time!

404. Oh!

405. So, good, you admitted it.

406. Uh-uh, that was acting.

407. What I just... right there was acting.

408. I said I was lying, and that wasn't even true.

409. That was acting.

410. All right, so uh!

411. You are... (laughing)

412. I am so... I'm good.

413. I am so... How are you feeling about all of what I'm doing?

414. Did you like that?

415. Did you think that was good?

416. Tell me I'm good.

417. Tell me it was good.

418. Tell me I'm good.

419. Tell me I'm good.

420. Tell me that was good.

421. Tell me I'm good.

422. Tell me I'm good.

423. Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

424. Tell me I'm good.

425. Tell me I'm good... Tell me I'm good.

426. Tell me I'm good.

427. You're good.

428. Thank you.

429. Was it that hard?

430. What is happening?

431. Let it out.

432. Let it out, Frank.

433. Dennis, there was another twin in your mother's womb.

434. We were going to call him Donnie.

435. You and Deandra devoured him before he could be born.

436. You gobbled him up.

437. That can't possibly be true.

438. Donnie!

439. You would've been the good one.

440. It would've been Bruce's kid anyway, Frank.

441. Jesus Christ.

442. I can't take much more of this shit.

443. It's starting to irritate me.

444. Dennis, Dennis, you should do some quadra-lift thrusters with me.

445. Oh, better yet, get up on my shoulders.

446. That's even better because then I need more weight on my back.

447. Mac, if you want to get big, take a size pill.

448. Take a size pill.

449. No, thank you.

450. What do you mean, "No, thank you"?

451. Good for you.

452. Yeah, I want to do this the right way, Dennis.

453. The therapist implied that God wanted me to have bovine

454. hormones and I think she's going to get them for me.

455. Dennis, can I give you some advice?

456. Absolutely not.

457. Look, hey, do what you want to do in life, you know, and

458. there's nothing wrong with that.

459. Oh, what I want to do?

460. Mmm, well... that's what I want to do.

461. Oh, well, I applaud you for that.

462. Absolutely, you know.

463. Oh, good.

464. And now know that, of course, I'll come back at you with

465. everything that I have.

466. What are you...?

467. Get him, Charlie.

468. Go ahead, get him.

469. Get him, get him, get him, get him.

470. Get him for Donnie.

471. Get him.

472. How's that? Huh?

473. You having a white Christmas?

474. You having a white Christmas, you bitch?

475. This ends now, lady.

476. This ends now.

477. You got Frank all messed up, you got Mac not taking his size

478. pills, you got Charlie thinking that he's well-adjusted when

479. he's the craziest of all.

480. Stop calling me crazy!

481. I'm not crazy.

482. You're crazy, okay?

483. You've been eating pigeon all day and loving it.

484. You all ate pigeon.

485. What?

486. What?

487. Yeah, I served you pigeon, okay?

488. I'm not going to spend my money on a pheasant when I can get a

489. perfectly good street bird.

490. All right, you ate pigeon... (Frank yells)

491. Oh, my God!

492. Jesus Christ, Charlie.

493. Screw it.

494. Tell him I'm not crazy.

495. You are... you know what, I don't care.

496. I'm going to get my stomach pumped.

497. Lady, you got to finish this, okay? Give us answers now.

498. Well, I think we've made some great steps today.

499. Dishes!

500. - What? - Dishes.

501. There is much more at play here than just... - Dishes!

502. So you want me to just tell you who... Dishes.

503. Dishes.

504. On a severe dysfunctional... (chanting): Dishes, dishes,

505. dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes, dishes... Okay, okay!

506. Dee, do the (bleep) dishes.

507. Boom!

508. Blah!

509. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

510. You're a good therapist.

511. She is pretty good.

512. That's good.

513. You goddamn dirty... Oh, I got an idea.

514. I'll do the dishes, okay?

515. Oh, there's the dishes.

516. Guys like that?

517. Are you happy now?

518. Here's some dishes.

519. You screwed me, you bitch.

520. There's the dishes, all really nice and clean.

521. Good idea.

522. Dee, do the dishes.

523. Here, I got it, I got it. Do I need help?

524. No, sit tight, please, have a beer. I'll do the dishes.

525. I got it, please, help yourself to the desert.

526. It's in the refrigerator.

527. You like this, huh? Here's the dishes.