1. By now
you make a right-hand tum.
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2. Make a right turn.
Okay, making a right.
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3. You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.
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4. Those are traffic signals- Okay. Wait
a minute. I haven't gotten there yet.
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5. And great. You should be
making a left turn here.
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6. There's no left. You don't
know where I am, tape!
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7. This ain't working, Charlie.
This ain't working.
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8. - You should pass three fuzzy poles
with blinking lights— Wait.
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9. Those are traffic signals-
I passed the traffic signals.
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10. You should
pass three fuzzy poles-
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11. It's stuck! Charlie, I need you here!
This tape isn't working.
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12. This is KPFN, public radio.
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13. Today
on Do It Yourself Gardening-
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14. composting.
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15. I'm sure many of you are wondering
what composting involves.
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16. You should pass three fuzzy
poles with blinking lights.
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17. Poles and the blinking lights!
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18. Make sure your compost pile
gets plenty of air.
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19. No w-Oh, Sandra.
You dumb bitch.
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20. Wha-
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21. Charlie, what is so hard to
understand?
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22. I believe that if I
inseminated the right woman,
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23. our seed could potentially, through
an X-Men-type genetic mutation,
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24. create a son capable
of bending steel.
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25. - Mm-mmm.
- That's completely insane.
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26. Do you understand
genetic mutations at all?
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27. You hear what you're saying? You're
talking like an insane person.
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28. I didn't cause any damages, Dennis.
Yes, you did.
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29. Not to the exterior of my car.
But to the interior of my car?
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30. My interior is ruined. Guys.
So I'm sitting at a red light,
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31. at a dead stop, and Frank
rams into me out of nowhere!
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32. Now he's saying he's
not gonna pay for the
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33. damages. Did you know
that the man cannot see?
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34. I can see! I got glasses.
I just need new lenses.
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35. The lenses are what make
the glasses work, Frank!
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36. If you were driving around
without the use of sight,
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37. then that is completely irresponsible,
and you need to pay for the damages.
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38. - Yeah.
- None of the damages were my fault.
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39. It sounds like all of the
damages were your fault.
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40. - Frank, how are we even talking about
this? - Yeah, if you rammed into him-
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41. - You rammed into me.
- Dennis was eating a bowl of cereal.
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42. What?
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43. He was eating a bowl of
cereal when I hit him.
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44. And it spilled all over the interior, and
those are the only damages to the car.
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45. You were eating a...
bowl of cereal?
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46. Yes.
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47. - While you were driving?
- Yes. It's not that crazy.
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48. - That's not what this is about.
- Well, it's a little bit about that.
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49. Yeah, there's a high spill factor if y0u're
driving-Actually, it's a lot about that.
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50. Come on. It's, uhl
don't have to justify myself to you!
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51. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna
take you to court. Fine. Fine.
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52. Hold on a second. Nobody
needs to go to court here.
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53. There's no reason we can't settle this
ourselves, like civilized adults.
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54. No, we can't, Dee, so I'm gonna take him to
court, I'm gonna sue him and I'm gonna win.
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55. Dennis, you don't want to go
anywhere near a court.
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56. How many bench warrants for
sexual misconduct do you have?
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57. I-l probably
have-Yeah. Yeah.
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58. And, Frank, how many unregistered
guns are in your car right now?
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59. A lot.
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60. Ooh, I like where you're headed
with this, Dee, and, uh, if I may,
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61. I think what you're proposing is that we
handle this little matter... internally.
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62. I'll let you take it over.
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63. Okay. Uh, okay, okay,
okay, okay.
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64. I'd like to begin with my
opening statement, if I could.
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65. First off, uh, who is the
defendant in this matter?
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66. - That's not a statement.
- All right. Well, irregardless,
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67. I would like to know, as Frank's lawyer,
who I am persecuting or who I'm defending.
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68. Yeah. Prosecuting. Let me just nip
this whole thing in the bud right now.
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69. Stop treating this like it's a trial
and like this is a courtroom.
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70. Yeah, but the tables-Yeah.
But I was against that too.
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71. Okay? Let's just present
the facts to each other,
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72. and then let's decide as a
majority who's in the right.
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73. That being said, Frank
would be the defendant.
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74. I'm not the defendant. No,
that implies that I am guilty.
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75. He's right. If anyone's ever
accused of anything,
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76. I automatically assume they're guilty.
You do, right?
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77. - I do.
- I'm gonna make you the defendant.
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78. Then I'll make Frank the defendant,
then we'll split it up that way.
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79. You're defending the fact
that your car got hit by him.
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80. He smashed into me, so I'm prosecuting him!
Hey, guys! I'm finished!
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81. I'm finished.
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82. Where have you been
for the last three hours?
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83. I have been making this.
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84. - What the hell is that?
- It's the Trial Meter.
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85. It shows how we each feel
throughout the trial.
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86. Yeah, I made little gavels with our names
on it, and we can move them accordingly.
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87. And at the end, whoever has the
most gavels on their side wins.
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88. It took you three hours
to make that?
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89. Yeah.
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90. Mac, let me tell you something.
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91. Nobody is gonna want to use
that, because it's so stupid.
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92. We are dealing with a serious issue here.
You imbecile!
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93. Don't be an imbecile.
Okay? My property is at stake.
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94. What are you doing? W-Well,
don't do that. Look, okay.
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95. Not that we're using
this stupid thing, but
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96. don't start doing that,
because you're gonna-
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97. I like what he did there. I'm
gonna go ahead and move my guy.
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98. Why? Why? We haven't
presented any facts yet.
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99. Uh, okay.
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100. Well, don't everybody start moving
their gavels over to his side.
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101. We haven't even pre-
Okay, well, good.
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102. At least you have the common
sense to be on my side.
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103. Well, as your representative in this
matter, I didn't have much of a choice.
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104. My hands were tied. [
Stammers ] No, no, no.
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105. You're not-You're not my representative.
I will be talking for myself.
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106. This is an open-and-shut
case, and anybody
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107. who can't see that is a
savage and an idiot!
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108. Okay. Uh, I would like a
five with my client, please.
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109. Want a five, counselor?
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110. - I'd like to take a five.
- I'll allow it.
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111. Stop talking like this is
a goddamn courtroom, please.
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112. - Oh, I'm the judge!
- No, you're not.
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113. - Can I be the bailiff?
- You are not anything.
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114. - I'll allow it. -
No one is anything.
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115. I'm gonna scratch everybody's
eyes out of their sockets!
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116. Ladies and gentlemen,
distinguished collies.
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117. Uh, my client, Frank, here...
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118. isn't really on trial
today, you know?
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119. Common sense is on trial.
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120. And, well, common sense
would tell you that...
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121. eating a bowl of cereal
while operating a car is-
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122. It's-It's reckless.
It's moronic.
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123. One might even call it...
donkey-brained.
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124. Donkey-brained?
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125. It means to have the
brains of a donkey...
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126. or a donkey-type
creature.
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127. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I
know what it means, guy.
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128. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained
to drive around with a bowl of cereal.
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129. It's donkey-brained to drive around
without the use of your vision.
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130. Oh. That's interesting. So you do admit
that someone who makes foolish decisions...
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131. could be considered
donkey-brained?
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132. Uh-Sure.
Yeah, okay, fine.
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133. I'll take it.
All right.
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134. Now, Frank, if I'm correct,
when you were a boy,
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135. you were admitted into a...
mental institution.
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136. - Is this correct?
- That's correct.
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137. But soon after, it was discovered
that I wasn't mentally disabled,
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138. so they let me go.
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139. And they let me go
with the proper paperwork,
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140. clearing me of everything.
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141. I would like to add
into evidence Article 1.
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142. Uh, Mac, will you please
read this document?
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143. Mm-hmm. “By the power of the
Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,
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144. Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees
Frank Reynolds to not have...
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145. donkey brains.”
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146. What?
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147. That is an official document
that says “donkey brain” on it?
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148. what is that?
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149. Well, it's written
right here in plain English.
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150. Frank, would you like to
clear this up for everybody?
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151. Well, all the kids in the
neighborhood knew I got sent upstate,
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152. so they started calling me “Frankie Donkey
Brains,” and it was very traumatic.
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153. So I got my mommy to drive
me back up to the loony bin,
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154. where they signed
this official certificate...
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155. exonerating me
of all donkey brains.
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156. Yeah, great. What does this
have to do with anything?
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157. Well, Dennis,
if by your own admission,
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158. someone who has donkey brains
could be considered...
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159. reckless or moronic or idiotic,
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160. and my client Frank here has a
state-issued certificate...
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161. clearing him of having
said donkey brains,
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162. then I ask you this-
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163. Do you have
any such certificate?
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164. What?
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165. Well, we don't want a donkey
on the road eating cereal.
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166. We know Frank's not a donkey.
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167. How do we know you're not
a donkey-brained man?
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168. Why would I have a certificate?
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169. You don't have a certificate?
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170. N-N-No. The burden of
proof is not on me.
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171. The defendant will
answer the question.
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172. - The defendant? I'm not the defendant!
- Just answer the question.
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173. - No.
- No further questions.
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174. - Oh!
- You gotta be kidding me. Because of that?
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175. You don't have a certificate.
What else are we supposed to-
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176. - What in the... You may have
donkey brains. I don't know.
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177. No one can prove that they're not
donkey-brained except for him.
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178. I just-I wish you
had a certificate.
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179. Oh, bullshit!
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180. - Frank, would you like a glass of wine?
- Yeah, all right.
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181. Huh? Why not have a glass of wine?
I mean, after all-
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182. Uh!
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183. - Hey! Hey! You can't do that!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
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184. Oh, whoopsie, whoopsie. See, I bashed
into Frank while he was at a dead stop.
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185. That's completely my fault, Frank. I will
pay for all the damages to your shirt.
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186. Case closed.
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187. Oh. Well, when you put it
like that, you got me.
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188. You know, I'm on Dennis's side now.
He just convinced me.
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189. Uh, hold-hold on
one second though, Charlie.
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190. It occurs to me that Frank assumed
responsibility for a potential spill...
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191. the second he took the wine.
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192. He's right.
I knew the risk.
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193. So in this circumstance, it would
appear that Frank is at fault.
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194. And therefore, in the car,
Dennis is at fault.
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195. I am on Frank's side.
Case closed.
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196. I pushed-I pushed him!
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197. Boom! You nailed it. You know what? Mac just
made the most credible argument of all.
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198. Hold on a second! Hold on, Charlie.
Credibility?
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199. You're interested
in credibility?
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200. I would like to call
my next witness-Mac.
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201. So, Mac, you seem
to be pretty locked...
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202. into Frank's side at this point.
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203. Right? And your opinion, it carries a
lot of weight around here, doesn't it?
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204. Oh, absolutely. I'm a taste maker around
here. Pretty much what I say goes.
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205. And I've decided that
Frank is the winner.
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206. Yeah. And, Charlie, you
find Mac's arguments
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207. to be fairly credible
and convincing?
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208. I do. Yeah. He makes a
lot of good points.
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209. He's a good judge, and-
He's an even better bailiff.
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210. So if you find Mac's
arguments to be so credible,
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211. why is it that you disagree on
the subject of super humans?
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212. Well, we don't-
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213. What? What does this have
to do with the case?
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214. Well, Mac, if your character isn't
credible, then are your arguments?
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215. Strike this line of
questioning from the record, please.
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216. Uh, overruled.
Let her continue.
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217. Mao, do you or do you not believe
that you could create...
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218. a superhuman race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?
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219. What difference does that make?
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220. If you believe something
that insane,
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221. then how could you be
our taste maker?
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222. How could we believe anything
that you have to say?
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223. I'm gonna ask you one more time.
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224. Do you or do you not believe
that you can create...
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225. a superhuman race of strongmen through
genetic mutation and evolution?
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226. Uh, no.
That's ridiculous, Dee.
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227. - What are you talking about? - what
are you talking about? You were just-
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228. You were just telling Charlie
this morning all about the-
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229. “Have you seen X-Men?”
and “my seed” and-
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230. No, I was joking with Charlie. That could
never happen in the real world, Dee.
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231. - That's, like, a comic book thing.
- He's credible.
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232. Yeah. He's credible. All right, we
won this case. I win this case.
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233. It's an open-and-shut case. [
Dee ] Shit, Dennis, that was-
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234. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
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235. - Mac, why don't you believe that?
- Huh?
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236. Well, I'm just wondering
why don't you believe...
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237. that you could pass down a gene that would
eventually evolve into a race of super men?
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238. - Why? -
That's a silly question.
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239. Because evolution
doesn't exist, of course.
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240. I'm sorry?
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241. Oh, could you repeat
that again for the room?
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242. Because evolution is bullshit.
It's not real.
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243. Goddamn it!
Recess!
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244. - Now. Get in.
- What? What? What?
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245. You got to sway Charlie. You got
to make yourself credible again.
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246. What did I do?
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247. You got to stop with this-
your insane, crazy beliefs.
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248. You gotta tell them that
you believe in evolution.
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249. Oh, come on, Frank.
That's ridiculous.
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250. We gotta get Charlie to stop
thinking you're a lunatic.
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251. Look, Deandra's gonna side with Dennis.
That's a given. You want me to win?
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252. Okay, Frank, for you,
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253. I will make myself credible in
Charlie's eyes again so you can win.
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254. Just give me 15 minutes.
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255. I'm finished, guys.
I'm finished.
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256. Now this is all about making myself
credible in your eyes again,
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257. and I'm gonna do that
by admitting that evolution...
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258. is a lie!
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259. Goddamn you, Mac!
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260. Yes, please do, Mac.
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261. Now, as you can see,
this is the Evolution Meter.
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262. And I've put God, the creator of
everything, on the right side.
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263. And evolution...
on the left.
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264. I went ahead and put you guys all on the
fence, 'cause of course you're gonna hear-
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265. Actually, no.
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266. Let's start
where I would start.
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267. No matter. I'm righteous.
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268. I'm not gonna stand here, present some
egghead scientific argument based on fact.
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269. I'm just a regular dude. I like to drink
beer, you know. I love my family.
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270. Rock, flag and eagle.
Right, Charlie?
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271. - He's got a point.
- No, he doesn't. - What?
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272. See, Charlie? These liberals are
trying to assassinate my character.
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273. And I can't change their mind. I won't
change my mind, 'cause I don't have to.
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274. 'Cause I'm an American.
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275. I won't change my mind
on anything,
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276. regardless of the facts
that are set out before me.
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277. I'm dug in,
and I'll never change.
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278. Mac, look.
You're wasting our time.
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279. You're not gonna get us
to not believe in evolution.
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280. And why is that?
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281. Because the smartest scientists in the
entire world all agree that it's real.
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282. I'm glad you brought that up,
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283. because, Mr. Reynolds,
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284. science is a liar sometimes.
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285. Oh, boy.
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286. This is Aristotle,
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287. thought to be the smartest
man on the planet.
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288. He believed that the Earth
was the center of the universe,
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289. and everybody believed him,
because he was so smart.
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290. Until another smartest guy
came around-Galileo.
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291. And he disproved that theory,
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292. making Aristotle and
everybody else on Earth...
Copy !req
293. look like a...
bitch.
Copy !req
294. Of course,
Galileo then thought...
Copy !req
295. comets were an optical illusion,
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296. and there was no way that the moon
could cause the ocean's tides.
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297. Everybody believed that
because he was so smart.
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298. He was also wrong,
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299. making him and everyone
else on Earth...
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300. look like a bitch again.
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301. And then, best of all,
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302. Sir Isaac Newton gets born...
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303. and blows everybody's nips
off with his big brains.
Copy !req
304. Course, he also thought he could turn
metal into gold and died eating mercury,
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305. making him yet another
stupid... bitch!
Copy !req
306. - Are you seeing a pattern?
- No.
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307. Mr. Reynolds, these were all the
smartest scientists on the planet.
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308. Only problem is, they kept being wrong.
Sometimes.
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309. This is insane, you fool.
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310. I'm a fool because I have more faith
in the saints that wrote the Bible?
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311. Yeah, because you just read the words
of a bunch of guys that you never met,
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312. and you just take it on “faith” that
everything they wrote was true.
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313. Hmm. And what
makes you think...
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314. what your scientists are writing
is any more truer than my saints?
Copy !req
315. Because there are volumes of proven data.
Numbers. You know, figures.
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316. There-There are
fossil records.
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317. Oh, fossil records. Ah! I didn't
even think about the fossil records.
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318. I guess I'll concede. Oh, wait. One
more thing before I do, Mr. Reynolds.
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319. Have you seen
these fossil records?
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320. Have I s-
Huh?
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321. Have you pored through the data yourself?
The numbers? The figures?
Copy !req
322. - Well, no. Um-No.
- Oh. Interesting.
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323. So let me get this straight, Mr.
Reynolds.
Copy !req
324. You get your information from a book
written by men you've never met.
Copy !req
325. And you take
their words as truth,
Copy !req
326. based on a willingness to
believe, a desire to accept,
Copy !req
327. a leap of- Oof, dare I
say it?-
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328. Faith?
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329. Ah, come on. Come on.
Look, I mean-
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330. I don't even know how I'm supposed
to respond to that. Like-
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331. Ah, come on.
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332. That is a-
That's a false equivalency.
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333. Just answer the question,
Mr. Reynolds.
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334. Sure.
Yeah, okay.
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335. - I rest my case.
- Wow. Well, that got me.
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336. - Frank, do you want me to-
- Put me over.
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337. - Yeah, all right.
- What?
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338. Well, we're going on the fence. I
mean, that's a shadow of a doubt.
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339. You actually don't believe
in evolution anymore?
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340. I don't know.
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341. He created a reasonable doubt. He makes you
sound like a stupid, uh, science bitch.
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342. Yeah, he got you good.
Oh, my God.
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343. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What-
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344. What are we even talking about?
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345. How did we get onto evolution?
This is not about evolution.
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346. Well, it became about that when
you attacked Mac's character!
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347. Yeah, like they did
in the O.J. trial...
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348. to that hero cop, Mark Fuhrman.
Right!
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349. Okay, let's just get back on track here. I
would like to make my closing arguments.
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350. No, no, no, no, no.
This has gone on long enough.
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351. And by the way, Dee, why the hell do you
give a shit about any of this anyway?
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352. You don't know? You can't
think of why I might like...
Copy !req
353. to set a precedent of responsibility
for when someone's car gets destroyed?
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354. No.
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355. Anybody else?
Anybody?
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356. I- I can't really think of anything.
Can you think of anything?
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357. - I'm blank.
- Not ringing a bell for me.
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358. You guys have destroyed every
single car that I have ever owned!
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359. And we've never had so much
as a conversation about it,
Copy !req
360. much less a trial-
a whole trial!
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361. Are you making that up? Isn't
this-what is she talking about?
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362. - Are you sure that happened?
- Oh, you sons of bitches.
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363. Oh, you goddamn sons of bitches! I am
going to destroy everything you own!
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364. - Ooh.
- You know what? I'm gonna end this.
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365. I'm gonna end this!
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366. I still vote for Dennis.
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367. Well, I'm still for Frank.
Yeah.
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368. And I am actually
gonna go to the fence.
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369. What? God.
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370. Oh, goddamn it!
We're nowhere with this.
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371. All right, okay.
Guys, settle down.
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372. I think if we've learned anything
today, it's that, you know,
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373. we can't just take
things based on faith.
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374. Only seeing is believing, right?
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375. Let's take this to the streets.
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376. - Thanks, guys.
- Yeah, man. No worries.
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377. Have a good one. Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.
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378. Okay, here's the deal. Dennis, if you
can drive to your apartment and back...
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379. without spilling a single drop,
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380. Dee, your precedent is set, and,
Frank, you pay for everything.
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381. Fine.
Good.
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382. Okay. And, Frank,
if you can drive...
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383. to our place and back
without getting in an accident,
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384. with me giving you
directions, you can continue
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385. to drive as long as I'm
in the car with you.
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386. Deal!
All right.
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387. On your mark. Get set.
Go!
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388. - Did he say it was a race?
- No.
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389. Why are they running? [
Chuckles ] I have no idea.
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390. All right, steady. Steady as she goes.
I'm going straight.
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391. No, beautiful stuff.
This is the best.
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392. Dee, uh, please prepare
me a bowl of cereal. Yep.
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393. What are you doing? We gotta see for
ourselves how reckless this is.
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394. You hold it in one hand and drive
with the other. Interesting.
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395. I know. Pretty mind-blowing
stuff, isn't it?
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396. Then I stop at a stoplight,
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397. and, once I'm stopped
and everything is safe,
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398. take a bite.
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399. All right. Here we go.
Make a left right there.
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400. Make a what? Uh-huh. Go left.
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401. Make a left. Right. Go left.
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402. Right? Right or left?
No!
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403. Make
up your mind! Deandra, shut up!
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404. Well, dude, now that we're
alone, you can admit it.
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405. I mean, I swayed you on
evolution a little bit, right?
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406. Well-Uh-
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407. Ugh!
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408. That's crazy!
That is insane!
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409. - How do you hit me again?
- It was Deandra's fault!
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410. What? She gave me the wrong directions.
This way, that way!
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411. It was Dee's fault. I was trying to
give directions and she interrupted me.
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412. What are you talking about?
I was reiterating.
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413. Charlie was giving
directions, and I was-
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414. So this is your fault? No, wait.
This is perfect.
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415. We were all here to witness it. It was
Dee's fault. She'll pay for the damages.
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416. Absolutely. She should.
Don't you dare.
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417. No, it was-I have an idea. Should
we have a trial? Me and Charlie?
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418. That's too many trials. Too many trials.
How many trials do you want?
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419. - Can't have a trial for every person.
- Let's have her pay for it...
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420. and be done with this.
All right, that's it.
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421. No, no! what are you-No,
because Charlie was giving the-
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422. I was only- You sons
of- Goddamn it!
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