1. Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Copy !req
2. This is such a stupid
goddamn situation.
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3. We got to get
out of here, Dennis.
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4. We've got to get out of here.
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5. We need a plan.
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6. Okay, well, plan one is for you
to lower your goddamn voice.
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7. This is as low as I go, okay?
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8. I say we bum-rush her and choke
her out with her own belt.
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9. Dee, you're escalating shit.
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10. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
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11. We immediately escalate
everything to a ten.
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12. It's ridiculous.
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13. I mean, somebody comes in with
some preposterous plan or idea.
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14. And then all of a sudden,
everybody's on the gas.
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15. Nobody's on the brakes.
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16. Nobody's thinking.
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17. Everybody's just talking over each other
with one idiotic idea after another.
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18. Until, finally, we find
ourselves in a situation where
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19. we've broken into somebody's house.
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20. And the homeowner is home.
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21. Yes, yes.
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22. I'm sick of it, Dee.
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23. Okay.
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24. We can't do this anymore.
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25. Okay.
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26. We've got to examine our process.
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27. Fine.
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28. I'm on board with that, okay?
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29. But right now I'm trying
to come up with solutions.
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30. So if you don't want to choke
her out, we won't choke her out.
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31. But you need to help me come
up with a plan, okay?
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32. Because this is breaking and entering.
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33. Oh, my God.
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34. Dee, your breath is hideous.
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35. I mean, it smells bad.
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36. Okay.
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37. Okay.
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38. Oh, my God.
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39. We are really in over
our heads this time.
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40. I'm saying, this was a
totally avoidable situation.
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41. I know I shouldn't have stood
on that table and given that
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42. awesome speech about how I was
the perfect one to lead us into
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43. the house because of
my wonderful grace.
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44. I know that.
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45. I regret that now.
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46. It was a very persuasive speech.
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47. Oh, she's packing a suitcase.
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48. I definitely regret you getting
quadruple onions on your burger.
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49. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I
was going to be trapped in a
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50. closet with you for the afternoon.
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51. I definitely regret being dragged
along into this whole thing.
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52. For what purpose would
you have been dragged?
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53. You nosed your way into this
like you do everything.
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54. You are nothing but liabilities, Dee.
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55. Oh, come on.
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56. Loud voice, breath reeks.
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57. Nosey.
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58. Oh, she's leaving.
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59. She's leaving.
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60. She's gone.
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61. Okay, okay, okay.
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62. I'm gonna call Mac and Charlie.
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63. Okay.
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64. Guys, come in.
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65. Are you there?
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66. Yes, extraction team.
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67. What is your status?
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68. Have you recovered the artifact yet?
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69. No.
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70. We are off the artifact plan.
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71. We are not doing the
artifact plan anymore.
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72. It is a stupid plan.
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73. Negative, negative.
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74. It is an awesome plan, okay?
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75. This family should not
have the artifact.
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76. It belongs in a museum.
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77. Belongs in a museum, bro.
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78. Adults should not be making plans
that are based on dumb movies!
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79. Excuse me?
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80. Indiana Jones is a dumb movie?
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81. I-I like the first one.
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82. Oh, God.
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83. I-I like him as a character.
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84. Oh, God. Come on.
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85. But some of the mov— Okay, listen...
It's not about that.
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86. I'm just saying that the plan
was genuinely dumb, as many of
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87. our plans are, I now realize.
Copy !req
88. What about your whole speech
about "I have the grace of a
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89. falcon, and I'll be in and
out like a demon's whisper"?
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90. Dude, you stood up on your chair
in that burger restaurant
Copy !req
91. and said that speech for everybody!
Copy !req
92. It was a damn good speech.
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93. It was very persuasive.
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94. But I regret it now.
I got to pee.
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95. No.
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96. Dee, Dee, what-what are you doing?
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97. She could come back in
here at any moment.
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98. Well, what...
Indiana Jones: Part 4 was dumb.
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99. I'll give you that, yeah.
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100. I wouldn't even count it.
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101. I'm gonna say Temple of
Doom's out for me, as well.
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102. Is it out for you?
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103. That's also dumb.
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104. I liked that one.
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105. Uh... Um, guys, can we
talk about this later?
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106. Frank, let's go.
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107. We're bailing.
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108. I ain't going nowhere
until I get that vase.
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109. Forget about the vase, Frank.
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110. We're bailing on the vase, okay?
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111. Frank's right actually, okay?
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112. We got to thing about the vase.
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113. We got to think about
what's best for the vase.
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114. Yes, we are men of honor who protect
artifacts from those who steal them.
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115. What?
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116. You didn't give a shit about
artifacts two hours ago.
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117. So what? Now we do.
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118. Yeah, what's that have
to do with anything?
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119. Well, we should not be
committing crimes based on
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120. beliefs that are two hours old.
Copy !req
121. Well, then don't read us
newspaper articles about stolen
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122. artifacts that outrage us.
Copy !req
123. That article was about how the
museum is holding an auction
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124. to raise money, okay?
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125. Nothing was stolen.
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126. The vase is not stolen.
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127. Yeah, as a matter of fact, only
if we follow through with
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128. this plan will the vase be stolen.
Copy !req
129. Well, you were the ones who escalated
us off of being the extraction team.
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130. We could have gotten
in and out of there.
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131. Well, escalate your way back
in, for all I give a shit.
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132. I'm leaving. I quit.
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133. Me, too.
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134. Well, I'm still in.
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135. Living on the edge.
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136. It's making me feel alive.
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137. Shh!
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138. Yes!
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139. See, now, Frank, that is why you
are on the extraction team.
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140. Frank's got the attitude, Dennis
has the grace... Dee nosed in.
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141. She nosed in.
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142. Dee was dragged.
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143. Oh, shit.
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144. Extraction team, there is an SUV
pulling up in front of the house.
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145. There is a man getting out.
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146. Okay, I cannot see the driver's
face, but the subject
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147. appears to have pointed
feet of some kind.
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148. Okay, I'm repeating here.
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149. He has pointed feet, so careful now.
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150. What does that mean?
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151. What does that mean?
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152. He's wearing cowboy boots.
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153. Okay, yes, I'm seeing now that
they are cowboy— you know,
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154. - his feet could be pointed on the inside, so let's be..
- They're definitely not
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155. pointed on the inside.
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156. How do you know that?
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157. How do you know that?
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158. They're definitely not— I mean,
I guess I can't say for sure.
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159. You don't know that for sure.
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160. Sweetheart?
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161. You home?
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162. Up here, darling!
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163. What?
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164. Is she coming back up here?
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165. Why is she coming back up here?
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166. Oh, shit, back in the closet.
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167. Yippee-I-ki-yay.
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168. All right.
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169. What the hell?
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170. Oh, I just saw her put the
vase in the suitcase.
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171. What?
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172. No.
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173. We can barely even tell if
that's a person and a suitcase.
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174. I have to pee so bad.
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175. Deandra, your breath is dog shit.
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176. I know.
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177. What are you doing home?
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178. Well, I got a call from
the alarm company.
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179. They said it was the house.
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180. This is bad.
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181. Oh, I must have set if off.
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182. I just popped by to grab a jacket.
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183. I told you you'd be chilly.
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184. Yeah, you're always right
about that, honey.
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185. Well, I got an appointment, you know.
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186. Oh, yeah.
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187. I-I'm heading back to the office.
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188. Bye, sugar.
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189. Bye.
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190. What the hell was that?
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191. Very strange.
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192. That was close.
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193. Give me a chip.
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194. No, no.
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195. These are my chips.
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196. You don't get a chip.
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197. What's going on in there?
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198. Basically, these people are Southern,
and the lady lied to the man.
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199. Are they gone?
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200. I don't know.
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201. Let's just quietly get out.
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202. It's phase time, bitches.
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203. What? What?
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204. No, no, no, no.
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205. What are you doing, Frank?
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206. We are in a very dangerous
situation here.
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207. These people are from the South.
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208. That's weird.
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209. People from the South don't
usually move up North.
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210. Oh, no, they come up.
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211. These carpetbaggers come up by the
truckloads just to steal our artifacts.
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212. Carpetbaggers, huh?
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213. Yeah.
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214. Give me a chip.
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215. No, you don't get chips, Charlie!
Copy !req
216. I mean, God only knows what these
people will do to us if they catch us.
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217. These Southerners, they probably pray
for a home invasion every single day.
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218. They can't wait to get their
hands on home invaders, so they
Copy !req
219. can blast them with shotguns and-and,
uh, do God knows what to them, Frank.
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220. We'll be lucky if the only thing
that happens is we go to jail.
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221. We have got to go.
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222. Hey, if some hillbilly comes up
to me, I'm gonna lash him in
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223. the face, that's all.
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224. No, Frank.
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225. They are always armed to the teeth.
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226. They will hogtie us and hang us out on
the front lawn or burn us on a cross.
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227. You're right, man.
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228. You got to be careful.
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229. You know, anytime you find out,
like, some dude's got a crazy
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230. torture basement or something,
it's someone from the South.
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231. It always is.
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232. You know what, extraction team,
why don't you go down to
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233. the basement and see if it's
some kind of crazy type dungeon.
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234. Yeah, yeah.
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235. Dungeons and tons of guns and—
dude, please give me a chip.
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236. You're not getting shit, okay?
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237. Come on!
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238. Leave it alone with the chips.
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239. If you wanted chips, you could've
gotten a bag at the hamburger store.
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240. Don't ask me again!
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241. I can't listen to this shit anymore.
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242. Ooh!
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243. Hmm. Q-tip holder.
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244. Shit.
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245. Oh, problem solved.
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246. Can we just get out of here?
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247. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
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248. Hold on, hold on.
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249. I think you need to see this.
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250. Dee, you are nosing in.
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251. Nip it in the bud.
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252. A whole bunch of tickets to
The Jay Leno Show.
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253. Who cares?
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254. No. Listen to me.
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255. Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?
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256. No one.
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257. No one wants to see him once.
Copy !req
258. At all, right?
Copy !req
259. I got a theory.
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260. She's banging Leno.
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261. She's having an affair with Leno.
Copy !req
262. Frank, if she was banging Jay
Leno, why would she have to buy
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263. a bunch of tickets to his show?
Copy !req
264. That's stupid, Frank.
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265. Use your head.
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266. I've got an idea, though.
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267. She's trying to kill him.
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268. She's still very upset about
the whole Conan thing.
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269. Oh, my God!
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270. That's it— she's icing Leno.
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271. She's packing her suitcase.
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272. She's sneaking away from her husband.
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273. Listen to me.
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274. Those are the theories of lunatics.
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275. Okay.
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276. We have got to get to
get out of here now.
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277. Yes, he's right. Let's go.
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278. No. Back off, bitch.
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279. I ain't leaving until I get that vase.
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280. Stop it! Stop it.
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281. He's gonna hurt himself.
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282. Never should have let
him have that whip.
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283. For God sake, let's
just get out of here.
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284. Let's go, come on.
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285. Okay, I think
the back door's this way.
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286. Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am
not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.
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287. I hope they hogtie you.
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288. And then I hope they rape you in
their basement for ten years.
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289. Dee, listen to me.
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290. Go!
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291. I'm telling you, I have a
weird feeling about this.
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292. He just randomly comes home with
some story about the alarm.
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293. He knows something.
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294. Look, we should just do it now.
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295. Pull the trigger.
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296. Pull the trigger?
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297. What does that mean?
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298. Who is she talking to?
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299. What is she talking about
pulling the trigger on?
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300. I don't know.
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301. I mean, until now, I was
thinking this Southern violence
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302. talk was just, you know, bull shit.
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303. It was just an escalation of some kind.
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304. Mm-hmm.
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305. But now I think it might not
be, you know what I mean?
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306. Uh-huh.
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307. I mean, who is she
talking to right now?
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308. Who is that person?
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309. They're gonna pull the trigger on somebody?
Jesus Christ.
Copy !req
310. I mean, I'm only asking because I
think knowing this might help
Copy !req
311. us get out of this mess.
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312. You know what I'm saying?
Copy !req
313. Mm. Mm-hmm.
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314. What is going on with you, Dee?
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315. You should be nosing into
this like crazy right now.
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316. I can't hold it anymore.
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317. What?
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318. The toilet's right behind you, so I'm
just gonna go ahead and pee in it.
Copy !req
319. Oh, no, no.
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320. You are just gonna intentionally
spray DNA all over the crime crime.
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321. I'm not gonna spray anything anywhere.
Copy !req
322. Are you not familiar with
how a woman urinates?
Copy !req
323. Yes, I am, Dee, but you
cannot flush the toilet.
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324. It's going to make too much noise.
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325. Then you're just gonna have
a bowl full of evidence.
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326. Okay, well, you've got a really
good point, but I'm going
Copy !req
327. to do it anyway, okay, so it's
it's happening, it's happening.
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328. You can't do it, you can't do it, no.
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329. It's happening. Watch me.
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330. Oh, my God. You are all liabilities.
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331. Why did you nose your way into this?
I hate you.
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332. Okaym, I'm gonna go find Mac
ad Charlie so they create a
Copy !req
333. diversion so we can get
the hell out of here.
Copy !req
334. Don't pee with me in the room!
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335. Right now, yeah, go ahead and go.
Copy !req
336. Oh, thank you, God.
Copy !req
337. Mac? Charlie? Come in.
Copy !req
338. Mac? Charlie?
Copy !req
339. I'm telling you, Charlie, the
situation is out of control.
Copy !req
340. Let's just get out of
here while we still can.
Copy !req
341. Without the guys?
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342. Oh, they're as good as dead.
Copy !req
343. There's no telling what those
Southern people are gonna do to them.
Copy !req
344. You're right, man.
Copy !req
345. You know what?
Copy !req
346. We should just get the hell out of
here, and I mean out of Philadelphia.
Copy !req
347. I mean, we should just drive and
drive and drive and not look back.
Copy !req
348. We should go to Arizona and open
up that imported leather shop
Copy !req
349. that we've always talked about.
Copy !req
350. Oh, my God, the leathers, yes—
the tasseled leathers, the
Copy !req
351. turquoise studs on the leathers.
Copy !req
352. All the leather.
Copy !req
353. Yeah.
Copy !req
354. Okay, okay, do you
have the keys on you?
Copy !req
355. Yeah, let's get the keys.
Copy !req
356. Let't s get the keys.
Copy !req
357. Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
358. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I heard all that.
Copy !req
359. Were you holding down the button?
Copy !req
360. It was an accident.
Copy !req
361. I wasn't...
It was just sort of a reflex.
Copy !req
362. You're always holding that thing down, and...
What? I'm...
Copy !req
363. Uh, sorry, extraction team.
Copy !req
364. We were having a leather conversation.
Copy !req
365. We're-We're... Doesn't really...
Hey, um, what's the status on the vase?
Copy !req
366. Do not take off on us!
Copy !req
367. I repeat, do not take off on us.
Copy !req
368. Leather shop in Arizona?
Copy !req
369. Are you serious?
Copy !req
370. There are far too many leather
shops in Arizona as it is.
Copy !req
371. You would be out of
business in a week's time.
Copy !req
372. What did you expect us to do, okay?
Copy !req
373. You got us all freaked out in
here, sitting here waiting for
Copy !req
374. the Southerners to tie us up to
horses and then have them run in
Copy !req
375. opposite directions, ripping us apart.
Copy !req
376. Yeah.
Copy !req
377. How are we not supposed to fantasize about
opening up imported leather shops in
Copy !req
378. Arizona?
Copy !req
379. Yeah, give me a chip.
Copy !req
380. No, you're not getting the chips.
Copy !req
381. The chips are off the table, okay?
Copy !req
382. I want a chip!
Copy !req
383. Don't bring up the chips.
Copy !req
384. Give me a chip.
Copy !req
385. He wants chips, and I asked him in
the store, Dennis, you were there.
Copy !req
386. I said, "Charlie, do you
want a bag of chips?"
Copy !req
387. He said, "No, I don't want chips."
Copy !req
388. If you wanted the goddamn chami,
you should have gotten the
Copy !req
389. goddamn chips at the hamburger shop!
Copy !req
390. Stop, calm down, calm down, listen.
Copy !req
391. We need the two of you to create a
diversion so that we can sneak
Copy !req
392. out of the house.
Copy !req
393. She just flushed the toilet.
Copy !req
394. Yeah, fine, it's just—
fine, I'm just hungry.
Copy !req
395. We'll do a diversion.
Copy !req
396. Oh, shit, I just thought of something.
Copy !req
397. What?
Copy !req
398. What if this vase is cursed, okay?
Copy !req
399. Maybe that's why things
aren't going well, right?
Copy !req
400. If this vase has a curse on it,
you do not want to touch it.
Copy !req
401. I repeat, do not touch
this vase if you see it.
Copy !req
402. Pick it up with, like, you know what?
Copy !req
403. Get a bag of sand of some sort and...
Get, get Dee to touch it.
Copy !req
404. Is Dee there?
Copy !req
405. If you find Dee...
Are you still talking about the vase?
Copy !req
406. The vase is not cursed.
Copy !req
407. It's from the 1800s.
Copy !req
408. It was a time of science.
Copy !req
409. Jesus, Dee, why did
you flush the toilet?
Copy !req
410. Well, you had me all freaked out
about spray and DNA evidence.
Copy !req
411. W-What's going on with Mac and Charlie?
Copy !req
412. It's— I can't get
them to stay focused.
Copy !req
413. They keep escalating the
conversation into evil curses
Copy !req
414. and opening leather shops in Arizona.
Copy !req
415. A leather shop in Arizona?
Copy !req
416. Yeah.
Copy !req
417. Well, they'd be out of
business in a week's time.
Copy !req
418. That's exactly what I said.
Copy !req
419. We need to split 'em up.
Copy !req
420. That's a good idea.
Copy !req
421. How do you propose we do that?
Copy !req
422. Hey, Charlie, hey, it's Dee.
Copy !req
423. Listen, uh, how come Mac's the
only one who gets to push the
Copy !req
424. button on the walkie?
Copy !req
425. Uh, let me get back to you on that.
Copy !req
426. Where are you guys?
Copy !req
427. I'm in a little girl's room.
Copy !req
428. Frank, get back here.
Copy !req
429. Mac and Charlie are
gonna do a diversion.
Copy !req
430. No way.
Copy !req
431. The little bitch has got a suitcase.
Copy !req
432. I'll bet the vase is in it.
Copy !req
433. No, no, I doubt that.
Copy !req
434. Yeah, yeah, at this point, I
doubt that this is even the
Copy !req
435. family mentioned in the article.
Copy !req
436. Frilly little dress, pink nightie.
Copy !req
437. Holy hell.
Copy !req
438. There's a teddy bear and it's
got something hard in it.
Copy !req
439. I'll bet the wife put the vase in the
teddy bear to steal it from the husband.
Copy !req
440. No, no, that is absolute insanity.
Copy !req
441. I'm gonna gut this thing.
Copy !req
442. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
443. No, no, n-n-no, Frank.
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444. Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.
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445. Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.
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446. Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.
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447. Shut up.
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448. Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.
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449. Shut, shut up.
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450. That is outrageous.
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451. That is an outrageous amount of noise.
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452. Hi, I'm Albert, I love you.
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453. That's loud.
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454. Okay, oh, I'll smother it.
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455. Frank, Frank, do not.
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456. Fra, stop it.
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457. Hi, I'm
Albert, I love you.
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458. Hi, I'm Albert... Are you kidding me?
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459. Goddamn it.
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460. How have we not been
caught at this point?
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461. Hey, what's up, guys?
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462. Charlie, what are you doing here?
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463. I snuck in.
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464. Mac was, like, being a dick
about the walkie-talkie.
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465. You know how, like, he wouldn't
let me push the button and stuff?
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466. Dick.
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467. So he can just sneak in, but
we can't seem to sneak out?
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468. It wasn't easy— there's, like,
a ton of closets in this house.
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469. I didn't know which
closet you were in, okay?
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470. I had to look in a lot.
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471. All right, well, now that we've
split you two idiots up,
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472. maybe we can finally get
Mac to do a diversion.
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473. Hi, Mama, I'm home.
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474. Jesus Christ, now there's
a kid in the house?
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475. Mac, dude, a kid just walked into
the house— a little heads up!
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476. Could you hold on one second, Dennis?
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477. Okay, so that's a double-double
cheeseburger meal with a extra-large
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478. chocolate shake?
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479. Um, can you go ahead and throw an extra
double cheeseburger on there, please?
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480. 'Cause I'm very hungry.
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481. Mac, now is not the time to
run off and get a hamburger!
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482. We need your help!
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483. I didn't just run off, dude.
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484. I'm coming back.
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485. We need you to come back now.
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486. We need you to create a diversion.
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487. We have got to get out of this house!
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488. What happened to Charlie's diversion?
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489. Charlie doesn't know what a
diversion is, apparently.
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490. He just ran directly into the house.
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491. Fine. I'll be right back.
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492. Okay, great, thank you.
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493. Hey, get chips this time.
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494. I'm not gonna get chips!
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495. He got mad at me for not... Shut up.
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496. Well, you know what?
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497. I'll be a plumber.
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498. I'll knock on the front door,
tell 'em I got a deal on pipes,
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499. you guys run out the back.
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500. That's a little elaborate, but okay.
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501. Ooh, I'll do a Swedish accent!
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502. No, you do not do a Swedish accent—
you don't know how to do one.
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503. And you don't need to, dude.
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504. These people don't know who you are!
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505. I can't just tell them that we're there
to steal their artifact, Dennis.
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506. There is a huge amount of middle
ground between those two things.
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507. I'm a Swedish
plumber— I'm here to fix your pipes.
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508. That's good.
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509. That's a good accent.
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510. Do a Philadelphia accent if you
insist on doing an accent.
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511. I'm not going to do a
Philadelphia accent.
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512. I'm gonna do a Swedish accent,
because that's what Indy would do.
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513. Are you still
there, Dennis, are you still there?
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514. Don't worry about it, and
don't worry about anything.
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515. I'm gonna kill you.
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516. I'm gonna kill you!
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517. Well, guys, looks like
we're on our own.
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518. Let's just make our move.
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519. Charlie, how'd you sneak in here?
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520. Front door.
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521. Let's just... Front door?
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522. You just walked right
in the front door?
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523. Well, I ran, I had a little hustle
going, but yeah, front door.
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524. Mm-hmm.
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525. I'm beginning to think we
should just walk right out
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526. the front door, then.
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527. I'm beginning to think that this
family has zero awareness
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528. of their surroundings.
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529. Let's go. Let's just go.
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530. Oh, my God.
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531. So,
tell me, Madison, do you like
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532. Disneyland?
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533. Yeah.
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534. Well, we are going there right now.
Surprise!
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535. I already packed your suitcase.
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536. Did you pack Binky?
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537. Well, no, I packed Elbert.
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538. I don't want Elbert.
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539. I want Binky!
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540. Go grab your Binky and hurry
up, 'cause we got to go!
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541. Frank, Frank!
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542. Frank! Little girl coming your way.
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543. I'm gonna whip this little
bitch in the face if she makes a a peep.
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544. Binky?
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545. Binky?
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546. Binky!
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547. We are assholes.
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548. No one is planning to murder
Jay Leno or anyone else.
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549. This is a nice woman planning a
surprise California vacation.
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550. Dangerous family? No.
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551. Barry! What took you so long?
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552. Mom, how come Barry's here?
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553. Oh, well, uh, he's coming with us
to Disneyland instead of Daddy.
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554. How'd
you like it if we could go to
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555. Disneyland every day?
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556. Are we going to California?
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557. Without Daddy?
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558. Well, I'll be your new daddy.
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559. Uh-oh.
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560. Oh, my God, did you hear that?
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561. She's out there, and they're
all going to Disneyland.
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562. Barry, I
followed you, you son of a bitch.
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563. I knew something was up.
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564. You're my best friend!
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565. How could you do this to me?
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566. Do you still love me?
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567. I don't know anymore.
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568. It's not good when the
kids get involved.
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569. Very sad.
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570. or so help me God, I will
beat the hell out of you.
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571. Let's just make a break for it.
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572. Everybody shut up!
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573. Now, let's all just calm down, and we'll
talk this thing out like a family.
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574. I don't care if it takes all night.
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575. Oh, God, no. All night?
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576. I can't do all night, you guys.
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577. I don't have it in me.
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578. Screw it.
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579. Let's just walk right out.
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580. They're not gonna notice;
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581. they got a lot on their...
Their marriage is falling apart.
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582. Let's walk right out.
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583. I'm just gonna walk right out.
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584. Let's do it.
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585. I've tried to make this work, but
if you want to go, you can go.
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586. But you're not taking my little girl.
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587. Hello.
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588. Hey.
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589. Hello! I am the Swedish plumber...
Uh, Mac... Hey, Frank, we're out here!
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590. Yo!
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591. Oh.
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592. The vase!
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593. Shit!
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594. All right, we'll just, uh...
Yeah, why don't we head out.
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595. Should've sideways...
We should just... Thank you.
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596. It was weird that they
were Asian, right?
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