1. Burn! Burn! Burn!
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2. Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
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3. Burn! Burn! Burn!
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4. Hey! Burn, burn! Burn!
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5. Yeah, cool.
What are you guys burning?
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6. Bunch of garbage
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7. and burns the tar
that's just taking up space.
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8. No, goddamn it!
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9. Wait, Frank, why are
you burning our photo album pictures?
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10. What do you mean?
Because it's trash.
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11. You kidding me? Oh, my God!
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12. Dude, these are all the pictures
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13. from our Jersey Shore vacations.
You were gonna burn these?
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14. Yeah.
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15. These were, like, the
happiest days of our lives.
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16. Oh, come on, Jersey
Shore sucked.
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17. The Shore didn't suck, Frank.
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18. You sucked, okay?
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19. You just complained the whole time
and ruined it for everyone else.
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20. Yeah, because I had
to do all the work.
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21. I never got to relax.
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22. I would love to
go on a vacation.
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23. Oh, my God, me, too.
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24. I would love to
go on a vacation.
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25. Yeah, but not to the
Jersey Shore, though.
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26. I mean, that place
sounds like a nightmare.
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27. What's wrong with
the Jersey Shore?
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28. Come on.
You've seen that TV show.
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29. It's just a bunch of sweaty
Guidos getting hopped up
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30. on energy drinks and giving
each other diseases.
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31. Yeah, no, the Jersey Shore
is nothing like that.
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32. It's a magical place where
people swim in the ocean and
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33. they get to ride on fun rides and
they get to have their first kiss.
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34. Dude, you would love it.
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35. Well, hang on a second.
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36. I've never seen the ocean.
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37. I could get into that if you guys
want to go down to the Shore.
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38. Aw, yes!
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39. Yes!
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40. We should all go to
the Shore together.
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41. I'll tell you what.
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42. Maybe I'll knock myself out and
we'll head down to the Shore.
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43. Yeah, but I feel like you're
just gonna screw it up if you
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44. try and knock yourself out.
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45. Yeah, you're probably gonna
come to halfway there, and then
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46. complain the rest of the time.
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47. Yeah, I'll tell you what.
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48. Why don't I take the rag, I'll
get the chloroform, I'll get you
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49. when you least expect it.
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50. All right, sweet.
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51. Yeah?
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52. Yeah!
Goin' down to the Jersey Shore!
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53. Yeah, going to the Shore, baby!
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54. Now, this ocean,
explain it to me.
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55. It's, like, it goes on forever?
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56. Go to sleep, go to sleep.
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57. So, I woke up, like, halfway
there, and then you just
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58. snuffed me out again, huh, Mac?
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59. Oh, this place turned
into a major shithole.
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60. It does not look exactly the
way I remember it looking.
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61. No, no, it's different,
it's different.
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62. The guy at the front desk said
there was meth lab explosion,
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63. so the hotel burned down.
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64. They had to rebuild it.
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65. Something like that.
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66. There's a smell, too, like...
Don't sweat it, you guys.
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67. Listen, with any luck at all,
we won't be spending any time
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68. here, so just think of
it more like a locker.
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69. Yes!
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70. I'm sorry, is no one gonna
talk about Dee's hair?
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71. Oh, I was waiting to pounce.
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72. I just didn't know
what our cue was.
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73. Yeah, I was waiting for
Dennis to jump on top of it.
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74. And then we were gonna slay her.
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75. Yeah.
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76. No, no. It's fine.
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77. All the cool girls get their
hair braided at the Shore.
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78. I think she looks like Bo Derek.
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79. Thank you, Dennis.
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80. Mm-hmm. You see, Dee and I have some
very fond memories of the Shore.
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81. We're not gonna have you
sullying those great memories
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82. with all your goddamn insults.
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83. Mm-mm.
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84. Are you drinking sunscreen?
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85. No, no, it's a decoy.
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86. We're drinking tequila out
of sunscreen bottles.
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87. Very strict open container
laws here at the Jersey Shore.
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88. Cheers.
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89. Holy shit!
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90. Is that the ocean?
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91. Yep.
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92. Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
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93. What's on the other
side of it there?
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94. Europe.
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95. Yeah.
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96. Now, how long would it take...?
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97. Do not try and swim to Europe.
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98. No.
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99. Don't swim to Europe?
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100. Do not.
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101. As a matter of fact, why don't
you stick with Dee and I
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102. because we can show you the
ropes here at the Jersey Shore.
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103. All right, everybody, you
know what time it is!
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104. Let's go strut the beach.
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105. Not strutting shit.
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106. No beach strutting for me.
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107. I'm gonna find a place
to relax and unwind.
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108. Frank, I'm with you.
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109. Yeah.
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110. Why don't you grab
us some booze?
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111. I'll go down to the beach
and get us some prime real
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112. estate before those gorilla
dickheads get down there.
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113. Yeah. Gonna relax.
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114. Let's do it!
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115. Let's get out of here.
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116. Oh, man, this ocean breeze
feels so good on my scalp.
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117. Yeah, it feels awesome.
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118. The sand feels good
beneath my feet.
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119. Uh-huh.
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120. I'm a little curious as to where
all the people are, though.
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121. No idea, no idea.
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122. Didn't want to say anything,
didn't want to ruin the mood,
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123. but where are the people?
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124. I'm seeing a lot more
dogs than people, right?
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125. There are a shit-ton of
dogs out here, I tell ya.
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126. Where are their masters?
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127. I don't think these
dogs have masters.
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128. I think these dogs play
by their own rules.
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129. Well, clearly, the action
has shifted elsewhere.
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130. Want to go to the boardwalk?
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131. Hey, let's go to the boardwalk!
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132. Yes!
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133. Yeah! Hey, Charlie!
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134. Charlie!
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135. Come here!
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136. Dude, oh, my God, this
place is amazing!
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137. Right?
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138. Yeah!
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139. And the sun block drink?
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140. Nice, guys.
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141. They're really good.
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142. They're really good.
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143. Thing is, I didn't make you one.
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144. Oh! Jesus Chris, Charlie!
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145. You're drinking sun block.
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146. It's good. It gets you,
it gets you all.
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147. Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals,
and they're getting you high.
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148. Doesn't matter.
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149. Doesn't matter.
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150. Okay, we're going to the boardwalk.
What do you say?
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151. Oh, really?
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152. You want to leave?
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153. Yeah.
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154. I feel like we're just scratching the
surface of all the cool shit out here.
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155. What cool shit?
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156. Well, the sea specimens, the
stray dogs, the trash that
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157. floated over from Europe.
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158. Yeah, but we didn't come here to
play with stray dogs and trash, man.
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159. We came here to soak
up the culture.
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160. And the boardwalk is the
cultural center of the Jersey
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161. Shore, so let's go there.
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162. Come on, man!
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163. Yeah, all right.
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164. Goin' to the boardwalk.
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165. Yo, Mac, you see that sign
there that says "Taxic spill"?
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166. Yeah.
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167. What's that?
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168. Disregard that, Frank.
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169. It's a bunch of
liberal bullshit.
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170. Right, right.
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171. This is a nice spot.
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172. Yeah, yeah. Whoa!
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173. What's that?
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174. You were supposed to get booze.
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175. Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.
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176. It is loaded with booze.
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177. Goddamn it, Frank,
eating your drinks?
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178. That is genius!
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179. Ow!
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180. What?
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181. What the... What the...
What is that?
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182. Oh, yeah.
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183. I got stuck with a needle.
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184. Yeah, that's a syringe.
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185. Be careful. They are everywhere.
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186. The beach is full of syringes.
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187. Why is that?
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188. Well, we're in the steroid
capital of the world, Frank.
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189. To be honest with you, as a man
who works very hard to maintain
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190. a certain level of physical excellence,
I find shortcuts insulting.
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191. Now give me a piece of ham now.
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192. Hey, check that out.
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193. What the hell's a
dog doing here?
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194. Hey, hey, get out of here!
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195. Get out of here!
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196. Get out of here!
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197. Goddamn dogs, I'm
telling you, dude.
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198. The were lurking before,
now they're swarming.
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199. I'm not sharing my
ham with no dogs.
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200. I got a great idea.
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201. Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes,
getting rip-shit on ham.
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202. Might you say
we're getting "hammered."
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203. Oh, nice one.
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204. This is a great idea, Frank.
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205. Great idea.
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206. This is 90-proof ham.
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207. Screw you mutts!
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208. Get out of here, you bitch!
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209. Come and get it.
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210. Stupid dogs.
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211. We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.
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212. Dude, this is the
boardwalk, man.
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213. This is amazing.
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214. Yeah, it's a little bit more desolate
than I was hoping it would be, but...
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215. Yeah, but that's okay.
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216. It's still really great.
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217. Oh, Charlie, there's all kinds of rides
and games and opportunities to win
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218. stuffed toys.
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219. Yeah, man, the boardwalk
is a blast, man.
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220. But it is under the boardwalk
where the action really happens.
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221. Trust me, pal.
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222. Oh, yeah?
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223. Yeah.
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224. Oh, what's down there?
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225. Oh, Charlie, come on.
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226. So under the boardwalk's
where it's at?
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227. Yeah, man.
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228. This is gonna knock
your socks off.
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229. You never know who you're going to run
into, what they're gonna be doing.
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230. You love the bridge, right?
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231. Yeah.
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232. This is a lot like being under
the bridge, I would think.
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233. It's way better than that.
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234. Under the boardwalk is
a magical place, man.
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235. I have a special place in my heart
'cause I had my first kiss down here.
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236. Mm-hmm.
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237. Did you?
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238. Oh, dude, all kinds of romantic
shit happens... Oh, God!
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239. Oh, God!
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240. Oh, no!
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241. No! No! No!
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242. No! What was that?
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243. Two homeless guys
banging each other.
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244. I saw, but why?
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245. That's not magical.
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246. That's not romantic.
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247. That's your idea of romantic?
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248. No!
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249. There are other kinds of
romances that happen under here.
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250. I don't want to see
anything else like that.
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251. You know what, I'm out of here.
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252. 'Cause you guys are perverted.
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253. You get out of here.
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254. You get out of here.
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255. You get out of here, Charlie.
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256. Son of a bitch.
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257. Aw!
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258. Where's the beach?
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259. Frank, wake up.
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260. What? What's the matter?
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261. Where's the beach?
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262. Uh, I don't know.
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263. We're in the middle
of the goddamn ocean!
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264. Yes, we are.
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265. What are we gonna do?
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266. Well, we're going to conk out
for a while and let the current
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267. gently roll us back to shore.
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268. Frank, the current is what brought
us out here in the first place.
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269. If anything, we should be paddling
against it to get back to the beach.
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270. I'm going to pretend
like I didn't hear that.
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271. Frank, Frank, we are no
longer in relaxing mode.
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272. We are now in survival mode.
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273. Will you stop being so dramatic?
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274. Wait a minute.
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275. Wait a minute.
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276. Where's the rum ham?
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277. Where's the rum...?
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278. Aw!
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279. Rum ham!
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280. No, Frank, stay in the boat.
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281. Rum ham!
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282. Frank, stay in the boat.
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283. I want rum ham!
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284. I'm sorry, rum ham.
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285. I'm sorry, rum ham.
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286. Oh, rum ham.
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287. Yeah, this is going
to be great, right?
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288. Of course it is.
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289. Nothing like some good, innocent, wholesome,
above-the-boardwalk fun to, uh,
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290. get us back on track.
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291. Yes. Take a step back
from the situation.
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292. Get a clearer perspective.
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293. Yeah, and then we'll plummet
20 stories and the rush will
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294. propel us forward into
an awesome evening.
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295. Yeah.
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296. And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying
events that we've just witnessed.
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297. These beads are really
digging into my back.
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298. Wind... I don't know.
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299. I don't know if we should
have come back here.
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300. I think we made a mistake, because
we have so many memories... Oh, no.
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301. Is my hair stuck?
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302. Yeah.
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303. It feels it's... Yeah?
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304. Oh, yeah.
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305. Well, get it.
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306. No.
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307. Get it out, because we're about to drop...
Get it!
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308. Stick your hand... You think I'm going
to stick my fingers into the machinery?
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309. Hey, hey, you down there.
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310. Do not make it go, because my
hair is stuck, and something
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311. terrible will happen.
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312. Oh, that's really in there.
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313. Oh, you idiot, stop the ride!
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314. Don't make it fall!
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315. Ow!
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316. Hey.
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317. How you holding up, sis?
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318. Not well, Dennis. Not well.
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319. Do you have any id how horrifying it was
to ride that back up to get my hair?
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320. Yeah, well, be thankful
you got it back.
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321. I just want to get my scalp
sewnack on and get the hell
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322. out of this miserable town.
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323. I'm starting to wonder what
the hell we ever saw in this
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324. place, you know what I mean?
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325. I mean, look at this girl.
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326. What's her story?
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327. She's got a decent
bone structure.
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328. She was probably very
pretty when she was young.
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329. Yeah.
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330. Probably spent her summers here, lounging
on the beach and scooping ice cream.
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331. But she didn't want her summers to end,
so she got herself a fake I.D. and a
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332. push-up bra and started hanging
out at the local bars.
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333. Right.
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334. Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause
she loved the way it made her feel.
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335. Mm-hmm.
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336. Extreme highs gave way to extreme
lows and she fell into a depression.
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337. Had herself a kid.
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338. Thought it would give
her a sense of purpose.
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339. And it did, for a while, until
she started using again.
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340. Mm-hmm.
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341. And then social services came
knocking at the door, and now
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342. the kid lives upstate with his
grandparents, 'cause she can't
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343. take care of this kid.
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344. And here she is festering away
in a one-bedroom apartment
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345. waiting for the HIV
to turn into AIDS.
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346. And wondering what the hell...
You know I can hear you, right?
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347. Oh, sorry.
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348. We were just using you
as a metaphor, though.
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349. Yeah.
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350. We didn't mean
anything personal.
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351. Don't sweat it.
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352. You're not that far off.
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353. Hey.
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354. Hey, baby.
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355. Jesus, are you seeing this?
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356. Mm-hmm.
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357. God, even the doctors in
this town are drug dealers.
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358. Oh, hey, wait.
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359. What are you doing?
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360. Who are you?
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361. Where did you come from?
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362. Get out of here.
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363. Drop it.
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364. No. Goddamn it!
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365. Goddamn you!
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366. I hate this town, Dennis.
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367. I hate this town.
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368. Okay, okay, all right,
well calm down.
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369. It's understandable.
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370. You are missing a
piece of your scalp.
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371. Yeah.
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372. Sounds like you two
could use a break.
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373. Want to come party with
me and my friends?
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374. Yeah. Yes.
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375. Mm-hmm.
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376. I'm so thirsty.
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377. Gargle some more water, bitch.
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378. I've been gargling.
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379. Well, don't snap at me.
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380. Well, quit acting so bossy.
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381. Okay, you know what, guy,
we can't fight, all right?
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382. We're both very cranky.
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383. We haven't eaten in
a very long time.
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384. I'm starving.
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385. Okay, all right, look, maybe
I'll dive down there, I'll spear
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386. a tuna, I'll wrestle him
on board and we'll feast.
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387. Boom, let's eat.
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388. All right, give me the knife.
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389. I can't give you the knife.
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390. What? Why not?
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391. 'Cause there may come a time
when difficult decisions must be
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392. made, and I'd rather be
the one with the knife.
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393. What difficult decisions?
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394. What are you talking about?
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395. You know, like things
you do to stay alive.
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396. Are you talking about killing
and eating me, Frank?
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397. All I'm saying is, that when you
go into survival mode, it's
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398. every man for himself.
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399. You seem like you're in
survival mode right now.
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400. Maybe I am, maybe
I ain't, rum ham.
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401. Did you just call me rum ham?
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402. Frank, Frank, we cannot be
talking about killing and eating
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403. each other already, okay?
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404. Tell that to the rum ham.
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405. Stop talking about
the goddamn rum ham.
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406. It should have been you!
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407. No!
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408. Jesus...
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409. Oh, no!
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410. Uh-oh.
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411. You see what you've done?
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412. You've murdered us both,
you son of a bitch.
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413. Oh, shit, what's that?
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414. It's a boat!
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415. It's a boat!
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416. We're saved!
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417. Is that an Italian flag?
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418. It's the Guidos.
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419. Guidos, we're here.
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420. Over here.
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421. Oh!
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422. No way.
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423. Charlie?
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424. Hey.
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425. Oh, my God, what are
you doing down here?
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426. Did you follow me all the
way to the Jersey Shore?
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427. No! No, I swear.
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428. I'm just out here...
but that's cool!
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429. Can you believe we're...
That's like destiny!
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430. What... What's in your hand?
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431. Something stupid I found.
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432. No big deal.
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433. Can I see it?
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434. Yeah.
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435. Wow.
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436. That's really beautiful.
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437. I'll tell you what, I mean...
I think that's a pretty rare
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438. one, but you can
keep it if you want.
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439. Thanks, Charlie.
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440. Sure.
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441. So you going to insult
me and walk away?
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442. Or, or what's going on here?
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443. No, I, um...
I don't, I don't know, you know?
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444. I love the beach so much,
and it's so beautiful.
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445. I could probably just hang
out here for a little while.
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446. Cool.
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447. Just don't go under
the boardwalk.
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448. Okay.
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449. Guys, this is Dennis and Dee.
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450. I told them they could
roll with us tonight.
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451. Yeah, uh, hi.
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452. Yeah, we're, uh, looking forward
to partying with you all tonight.
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453. Does Bobby know about this?
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454. Don't worry, they're cool.
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455. Yeah.
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456. So, uh... what are we getting
into tonight, you guys?
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457. Yeah!
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458. Just waiting for Bobby.
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459. Then we're gonna hit
the liquor store.
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460. All right, cool.
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461. Yeah, well, you can't have
a party without liquor.
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462. That's right.
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463. So yeah.
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464. Let's hit the liquor store.
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465. Who the hell
are these two?
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466. Well, you're Bobby, I guess.
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467. Uh, we are just new acquaintances
of your friend Stephanie over here.
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468. Harmless people.
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469. You guys cool?
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470. Yeah.
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471. Well, I hate to toot my own horn,
but I am pretty cool, Bobby.
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472. Hit that.
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473. Yeah.
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474. And I can tell by the way
you're staring at me that
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475. you're wondering
if I'm cool, too.
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476. Ooh.
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477. I'm just going to go ahead and nip
that in the bud right now, so...
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478. Oh, shit.
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479. That does not taste like weed.
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480. It burns a lot.
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481. It's angel dust.
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482. Angel... Dust.
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483. Embrace the night.
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484. What's over there?
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485. Beer, beer, beer, beer!
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486. All right, you guys
ready to get it?
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487. Yes, yes!
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488. Let's go, let's go, let's go!
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489. No!
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490. Yeah!
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491. Wha...?
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492. What's happening?
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493. What's happening?
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494. Hi!
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495. Drive!
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496. Drive now!
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497. You! Drive!
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498. Drive!
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499. Drive!
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500. Drive!
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501. Thanks, man.
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502. Thanks, bro.
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503. Hurry it up.
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504. Hurry up!
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505. Hurry up!
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506. Oh, my God!
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507. Shut her up!
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508. You pick him up.
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509. Okay!
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510. Pick him up.
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511. Pick him up?
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512. Go get him!
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513. Rum ham!
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514. Dig, come on, dig!
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515. Dig! Hurry up!
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516. Dig! Shut up!
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517. Shut up and dig!
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518. Bobby!
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519. Shoot 'em!
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520. Shoot 'em!
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521. Vacation, all I ever wanted ♪
Vacation, had to get away Vacation,
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522. Oh, my God, Charlie!
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523. Hey.
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524. What a night.
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525. What the...
Did you rape me last night?
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526. What? No.
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527. Gross, no!
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528. Then... Okay, why am I waking up
next to you on a deserted beach?
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529. 'Cause we fell asleep
here last night.
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530. What's going on with you?
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531. Oh, my God. I was...
I was on Ecstasy last night, Charlie.
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532. You have to tell me
everything that happened.
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533. Oh!
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534. Boy, you're really
off the wagon, huh?
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535. Drinking, drugs... Oh, my God.
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536. Well, it was a cool night.
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537. I mean, we laughed, we collected
sea specimens, we drank some
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538. ocean, you got a little sick
from drinking the ocean.
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539. I loved it, though.
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540. That sounds really
weird and gross.
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541. Oh, really?
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542. Well, I suppose now you think
this is weird and gross.
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543. Oh my God, Charlie, come on!
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544. What?
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545. Hang on a second,
where you going?
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546. Uh, let's see.
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547. Last night I lived out one
of my actual nightmares.
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548. So I'm going to go,
and take a shower.
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549. Well, hang on.
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550. Hang on a second.
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551. I suppose you want this back.
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552. What is that?
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553. That's a jewel you gave me.
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554. You said you wanted
me to have it.
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555. Charlie, that's a piece
of a broken glass bottle.
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556. All right.
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557. Well, maybe I'll see you
Friday or something.
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558. No!
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559. No!
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560. Okay.
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561. Hmm.
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562. I guess that's just summer love.
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563. Crazy.
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564. Bro, our night was
way more amazing.
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565. And it actually happened.
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566. What do you mean, it
actually happened?
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567. Why do you keep saying that?
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568. You don't think I spent the
night with the waitress?
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569. No!
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570. Then where'd I get this, dude?
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571. Where'd I get that?
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572. I assume you got it out of the trash, or
dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.
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573. I don't believe you're not...
Whoa! Here they come.
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574. Okay. All right.
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575. Everyone get in the car!
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576. Go, let's go!
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577. Get in the car!
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578. Come on, come on, come on!
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579. Guys, you will not believe
the night we had!
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580. I don't care, there is no meaning
to life anymore.
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581. It takes a classy man
to admit when he was wrong.
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582. - And I was wrong. I love the Jersey Shore.
- Oh, you love it?
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583. Oh, you love it so much here, get in the
goddamn car, you fat fat ass, fat fat ass.
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584. We hang out with these Jersey dudes.
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585. Oh, man, they talk awesome.
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586. I don't know why these guys get
such a bad rep. It's pretty cool.
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587. Let me tell you something, Mac.
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588. There are far worse people in Jersey Shore
than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
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589. It's a horrible town. It's a horrible town
filled with horrible people.
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590. I don't know about that.
I think it's a magical town.
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591. Hell yeah.
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592. Beautiful magical town.
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