1. - Dennis, do you have the tickets?
- Yes, affirmative.
Copy !req
2. I got the tickets online,
and I got the last ones.
Copy !req
3. Charlie, you got booze?
Tell me what you think.
Copy !req
4. I think that's
enough booze to last
the whole movie, right?
Copy !req
5. Yes.
We're good.
Copy !req
6. Dee, time?
Uh, we have
just about a half hour.
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7. Precisely, you bitch!
I need to know precisely.
28 minutes! I'm sorry.
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8. Oh, the city is like a zoo.
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9. I mean, traffic jam
like you wouldn't believe.
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10. Obama's got
the whole thing congested.
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11. Oh, goddamn it, Mac.
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12. I told you there was
gonna be traffic, dude.
I forgot about Obama!
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13. We still have time.
We still have time.
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14. No, but, dude,
traffic's gonna
jam us up, man.
Copy !req
15. No, no, no.
We can make it, okay?
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16. Time for what?
Where are you going?
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17. We're gonna go see
Thundergun Express, man.
You know what I'm talking about.
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18. - What the shit
is a thunder gun?
- Are you crazy?
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19. Dude, it's like
the greatest movie
ever made.
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20. It's about this warrior
from a postapocalyptic
underground society...
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21. who has to travel back
in time to save his lover
from an evil robot army.
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22. - Ooh.
- "No hesitation. No surrender."
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23. No man left behind!
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24. It's like the biggest movie
in America.
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25. Whoa, that sounds the tits.
I'm in.
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26. No.
How? How?
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27. You do not have
a ticket.
Yeah.
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28. - You didn't buy me a ticket?
- I'm sorry.
What am I, your daddy?
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29. Yeah, I don't just
buy tickets for people.
Yeah.
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30. Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll take Deandra's ticket.
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31. You don't like action movies.
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32. Oh, no, no, no, Frank.
This is just as much
a love story as anything else.
Copy !req
33. Plus, I hear the guy hangs dong,
and I'm very interested
in seeing that.
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34. Me too.
Yeah, he hangs dong.
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35. What the hell am I gonna do?
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36. Get out of the way,
'cause we gotta go.
Yeah. Clock's ticking.
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37. Go! Let's go.
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38. Thundergun!
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39. This blows, dude!
Drive faster.
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40. Drive faster?
Where would you like
for me to go?
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41. I'm surrounded by cars, Charlie.
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42. It's all these
goddamn immigrants
come in to see Obama.
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43. And none of them
have any insurance.
That's why they drive so slow.
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44. Why are you even here?
The movie is sold out.
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45. I'm gonna scalp a ticket.
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46. Oh, shit!
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47. I didn't bring my wallet.
You guys gotta
spot me some dough.
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48. I ain't giving you shit.
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49. All right, I'll sneak in.
I sneak in all the time.
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50. I hope we get there
in time to sit together.
I don't like to split up.
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51. Don't worry about it.
If we get split up,
Copy !req
52. we'll just yell over
everybody to each other...
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53. until they get annoyed
with us and switch.
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54. We can call in a bomb threat.
That would delay the picture.
Copy !req
55. That would be very Thundergun.
We're gonna have
to do something drastic...
Copy !req
56. if Dennis doesn't figure out
a way to drive faster.
Copy !req
57. Where would you like
for me to drive?
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58. He misses all of his angles.
You could slide
in front of that Prius.
Copy !req
59. So then I'll be stuck
in front of the Prius instead
of right next to the Prius.
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60. It's a bigger problem
than that, guys.
He's slow at everything.
Copy !req
61. You should see how long
it takes him
to bang chicks.
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62. Mac, that's because
you always try
and barge in...
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63. so you can see the chicks naked.
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64. Then I have
to start the process
all over again.
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65. But you waste so much time
talking to them
when you should be plowing them.
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66. No, you don't get it.
You don't get what I'm...
Copy !req
67. Look, I'm forging
a connection
with these women...
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68. that will yield for them
the most awakening...
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69. and unforgettable
sexual experience
of their lives.
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70. Whatever!
I don't care about any of this.
We're gonna miss the movie!
Copy !req
71. Yeah, come on.
Hey, Thundergun it
up on the curb.
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72. Thundergun it all the way down.
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73. Thundergun's not a verb.
Stop using it as a verb.
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74. There's nothing I can do.
It's the man's name.
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75. Just calm down.
We'll get there.
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76. I'll tell you one thing.
I could walk faster
than we're moving.
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77. Right?
Please.
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78. What are you guys doing?
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79. Oh, oh, wait! Get back here,
you sons of bitches!
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80. Thundergun leaves no man behind!
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81. We'll come back for you!
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82. - Are you kidding me?
- Come on!
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83. Damn.
Shit.
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84. All the streets are blocked.
Hey, let's ask this cop.
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85. Excuse me, Officer.
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86. Uh, we need to get through.
I can't help you.
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87. The street's closed down
all the way to Spring.
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88. Yeah, but this is an emergency.
It's not my problem.
You gotta go around.
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89. We really gotta...
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90. All right, we gotta find
a new point of entry.
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91. Attack the target
from a different angle.
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92. Whoa! Hold on.
What are you talking
about attacking?
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93. No, no, no.
We're not terrorists
or anything.
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94. We're just...
We're trying to get to a movie,
Thundergun Express.
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95. Oh, Thundergun Express, huh?
Copy !req
96. You better get going.
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97. You don't want to miss
one second of that movie.
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98. - Is it that good?
- It's the best goddamn movie
I ever seen in my life.
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99. Dude hangs dong.
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100. Oh!
I told them that!
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101. I told them!
I don't want
to miss that!
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102. Maybe we take a cab.
What about that?
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103. A cab? Dee, don't be a fool!
We'll never get a cab
out here.
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104. Plus, we'll
just sit in traffic
like everybody else.
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105. Yeah, we'll be stuck
like Dennis.
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106. The trolley!
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107. Trolley.
We can make it, Frank.
Come on!
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108. Yes.
No surrender, baby!
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109. Come on!
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110. Come on, Frank.
I'm coming.
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111. You can make it.
I'm coming.
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112. No, no, no, no, no!
I'm not gonna make it.
Copy !req
113. No, hop off!
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114. Hop... Don't leave me here!
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115. We'll come back for you!
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116. You bastards!
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117. "Take too long.
You take too long, Dennis."
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118. Look, screw you, Mac.
I don't take that long.
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119. I'll show you
who takes too long.
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120. Son of a bitch.
Let's see.
Copy !req
121. We got Amanda.
We got Brenda.
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122. Ah! Allison.
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123. Let's find out
if Allison thought
that I took too long.
Copy !req
124. It's too bad the museum
is closed on Wednesdays.
Copy !req
125. I know.
Copy !req
126. I guess we can
hang out here and get
to know each other instead.
Copy !req
127. This is a good one.
Copy !req
128. What's with all the locks?
Copy !req
129. I want you to feel safe.
Copy !req
130. So your father took off
when you were pretty young, huh?
Copy !req
131. - That must have been difficult.
- Yeah...
Copy !req
132. Yeah, I could probably
speed things up
a little bit.
Copy !req
133. Thanks very much.
Careful now.
Copy !req
134. There you go.
Watch your step, ladies.
Very good. Thank you.
Copy !req
135. Hey, guy, can you...
can you take me
up the river?
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136. I gotta get a mile
up the river.
Tour is $15.
Copy !req
137. I left my wallet at home.
I only got a quarter
to my name.
Copy !req
138. Look, I can't help you, pal.
All right, folks.
Copy !req
139. Everybody, take your seats.
I'll be right back.
Copy !req
140. We'll get this tour under way,
okay?
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141. I swear,
I'll take care of you
when I get up there.
Copy !req
142. Sorry, dude.
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143. Hi. I'm your new captain,
Frank.
Copy !req
144. I'm gonna take you
up the river.
Okay? Here we go.
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145. What happened to Captain Tom?
Copy !req
146. Uh, Captain Tom turned out
to be a goddamn junkie.
Copy !req
147. - Hang on.
- Oh!
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148. Whoo!
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149. You're...
you're going too fast.
Huh?
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150. Too fast.
It's the fast tour.
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151. It's the quick one.
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152. Quick tour.
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153. Why aren't you telling us
what anything is?
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154. Like what?
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155. Wh-What is that building
over there?
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156. Uh, that's a big building.
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157. It's a brick building...
Red brick building.
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158. I don't know
what the hell it is.
It's a old building.
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159. Can you please use microphone?
Very difficult for people
to hear in back.
Copy !req
160. Oh. Oh, the microphone.
Okay?
Copy !req
161. Okay.
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162. All right.
Copy !req
163. You hear that?
Yeah.
Copy !req
164. Okay. Well, we're on
the Schuylkill River,
Copy !req
165. and, uh,
it's home to many, uh,
weird fishlike creatures.
Copy !req
166. And also the depository of, uh,
Copy !req
167. all of the unsolved crimes
and murders in Philadelphia.
Copy !req
168. Yeah.
Copy !req
169. That trolley kicked ass.
Copy !req
170. We're just like a couple blocks
from the theater, I think.
Copy !req
171. Thundergun himself would have
been proud of that move.
Copy !req
172. Of course he'd be proud.
We didn't hesitate.
We didn't surrender.
Copy !req
173. We did leave
a couple men
behind though.
Copy !req
174. That's true.
But we didn't hesitate
to leave those men behind.
Copy !req
175. Yeah. Plus, I hung dong
on the trolley.
You guys missed that.
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176. I didn't miss it.
I chose to ignore it.
Copy !req
177. I saw it.
Looked like a button
in a fur coat.
Copy !req
178. Either way,
it was totally Thundergun.
Copy !req
179. If Thundergun's dong looks
like that, we should all
get our money back.
Copy !req
180. Yeah, I'm walking
out of the movie.
Copy !req
181. It was more of a ding
than a dong, really.
Copy !req
182. I got a lot of "good ones"
and thumbs up and...
Copy !req
183. Aw.
Goddamn it.
Copy !req
184. Another closure.
All right, think. Think.
Copy !req
185. What would Thundergun do
right now?
Copy !req
186. Oh, shit. Okay, listen.
Hear me out.
Copy !req
187. Let's fire down that sewer.
Frank and I do it
all the time.
Copy !req
188. I know my way around.
We'll be over there
in a jiff.
Copy !req
189. Uh, I don't know.
Copy !req
190. Sewer, huh?
All right, let's do it.
Copy !req
191. We've come this far, right?
Right?
Copy !req
192. No, no, no.
Our clothes will get
soaking wet.
Copy !req
193. - It's gonna ruin
the whole movie.
- Ooh. I know what it is.
Copy !req
194. He's scared he's gonna be
too fat to fit down that gutter.
That is what it is.
Copy !req
195. No, it isn't.
It has nothing to do with it.
Copy !req
196. Sewers are disgusting,
that's why.
Copy !req
197. Your big fat body
is what's disgusting.
And you're embarrassed.
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198. We are not going in the sewer,
and that is final.
Copy !req
199. Oh. Oh, yeah?
Aww.
Copy !req
200. Aww.
No, guys. Guys.
Copy !req
201. Guys, come on. Don't...
Goddamn it.
Copy !req
202. I'm coming through, guys.
Copy !req
203. Here I come.
Here I come.
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204. Oh, wait.
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205. Oh. You know what?
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206. It turns out
I am... I am too muscular,
and I can't fit through.
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207. - Looks like you're stuck, huh?
- Yeah, So my-my muscles
stop me from gaining access.
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208. Sorry, Mac.
Copy !req
209. Why don't you guys
come out, and then...
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210. We'll come back for you.
Yeah.
Copy !req
211. That's what I told Dennis
and Frank, and I was lying.
Copy !req
212. I know. So are we!
Copy !req
213. You sons of bitches!
Copy !req
214. Oh, you sons of bitches!
Copy !req
215. You sons of...
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216. Out of the way,
you fat dickhead.
Copy !req
217. All right, think.
Think. Think.
Copy !req
218. Think.
Copy !req
219. No surrender.
No surrender!
Copy !req
220. Shitty bike.
Copy !req
221. You seem cold.
Copy !req
222. Perhaps you'd be more
comfortable under the covers.
Copy !req
223. Now, we're talkin'.
Okay, Allison. All right.
Copy !req
224. Hey, hey, guys.
Copy !req
225. What are you do...
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226. Mac, can we help you?
Goddamn Mac.
Copy !req
227. I thought
I heard you call my name.
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228. I did not call your name.
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229. Oh, okay.
Copy !req
230. I'll be right outside
if you need anything.
Copy !req
231. We're not gonna
need anything, okay?
Copy !req
232. If fact, go ahead
and leave the keys in here.
Copy !req
233. Now I have to re-demonstrate
my value, so that's gonna
increase the time.
Copy !req
234. I think I need
to be getting home.
Copy !req
235. My mom is gonna start to worry.
Copy !req
236. Wait. Your mom?
How old are you?
Copy !req
237. - Sixteen.
- Sixteen?
Copy !req
238. No get...
Whoa, shit.
That's not good.
Copy !req
239. Why do I still have this tape?
That's ridiculous.
Copy !req
240. Oh!
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241. Goddamn it.
Copy !req
242. Shit!
Copy !req
243. Well, now, this
is an interesting development.
Copy !req
244. I gotta say, Charlie,
this sewer
is pretty gross,
Copy !req
245. but it's not nearly
as gross as I thought
it was gonna be.
Copy !req
246. No, it's not bad now,
but like any minute,
Copy !req
247. a wall of water could
just come gushing through here.
Copy !req
248. So we should keep moving.
Wait. Wall of water?
Copy !req
249. Yeah. Well, you know,
it's not just water.
Copy !req
250. It's like dog shit
and street sludge.
Copy !req
251. You know, they divert it
to different channels
throughout the day.
Copy !req
252. Oh, my God.
You know, it's... it's sewage.
It's sewage.
Copy !req
253. Yeah.
Oh, you know what, Dee?
Dee?
Copy !req
254. Can we get naked really quick?
Copy !req
255. No.
Oh, right.
Do you mind if I do?
Copy !req
256. Mm-hmm.
Well, see the thing is,
Copy !req
257. like, if a wall of water
comes through,
Copy !req
258. it's actually pretty sweet
to be naked,
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259. 'cause then
you can hold your clothes up.
Copy !req
260. You know, and then
that piss and shit
just kind of flows over you.
Copy !req
261. Mm-hmm.
It's more refreshing
than you think.
Copy !req
262. And then you have
dry clothes afterwards.
Copy !req
263. It's a lot better than having
the sewage on your clothes.
Copy !req
264. I understand
and I'm a little relieved,
Copy !req
265. but it's still not
good enough for me,
Copy !req
266. so I'm going
to keep my clothes on.
Copy !req
267. Oh, look at Queen Dee,
who's too good...
Copy !req
268. to get naked with her buddy
all of a sudden.
Copy !req
269. Okay, I don't...
Why are you making it
about that? I just...
Copy !req
270. You know what?
This is a preposterous
conversation we're having.
Copy !req
271. This is
a functional conversation.
Copy !req
272. This is a preposterous
conversation.
This is not a sexual thing.
Copy !req
273. Let's just go.
Let's just go.
Copy !req
274. There's no walls of water.
Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Copy !req
275. Shit. My shoe's stuck.
Copy !req
276. Well, pull it out.
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277. If I could pull it out,
would it be stuck?
Copy !req
278. Take your shoe off.
I'm not gonna
take my shoe off...
Copy !req
279. and walk around barefoot
in this disgusting sewer.
Copy !req
280. Oh, the queen again,
everyone.
The queen speaks.
Copy !req
281. Shut up.
Charlie, we don't
have time for this.
Copy !req
282. I have an idea though.
Why don't you take your shoes
off and give them to me?
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283. No, you'll stretch mine out.
No, come on, Charlie.
Copy !req
284. You were fine
taking all your clothes off...
Copy !req
285. and walking around
in this gross place.
Dee, you'll stretch them out.
Copy !req
286. All right, Charlie,
stop screwing around, okay?
Copy !req
287. We're gonna miss the movie.
No, we're...
Copy !req
288. You're right.
Copy !req
289. Wh-Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Copy !req
290. - I'll come back for you.
- No. No.
Copy !req
291. I'll come back for you.
Don't you do that.
Copy !req
292. Don't you...
Charlie, get back here
right now!
Copy !req
293. Goddamn it!
Oh, goddamn it!
Copy !req
294. Aw, man! Come on. Come on.
Copy !req
295. Come on!
Copy !req
296. What was that?
Copy !req
297. What was that?
Charlie?
Copy !req
298. Is that the wall of water?
Copy !req
299. No, Charlie.
Charlie, I hear
the wall of water!
Copy !req
300. Come back for me!
Copy !req
301. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Come on. Come on!
Copy !req
302. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
303. So they'll send a tow truck
and everything?
Copy !req
304. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about that.
Tow truck is on its way.
Copy !req
305. See you were born 1985.
Sí.
Copy !req
306. Yeah. So everything
checks out there.
Beautiful.
Copy !req
307. Oh, it's so cool
that you own a chain
of auto-body repair shops.
Copy !req
308. I wish I new how to fix cars.
Copy !req
309. Oh, yeah, auto-body repair
has always been a bit
of a passion of mine.
Copy !req
310. I also invented Facebook
with the Winklevoss twins.
Really?
Copy !req
311. Yeah, yeah.
Zuckerberg didn't do shit.
Copy !req
312. Yeah, he really
screwed us on that one.
Copy !req
313. But I got some hush money,
so it's all good.
Copy !req
314. It's all good.
Copy !req
315. But, uh, I don't want
to waste any more time
here, so...
Copy !req
316. No man left behind!
Copy !req
317. Goddamn it, Mac.
Copy !req
318. What the hell
are you doing here?
Copy !req
319. I came back for you
like I said I would,
like Thundergun does.
Copy !req
320. - Who's the brown girl?
- Uh, Elena.
Copy !req
321. We got into a bit
of a fender bender.
Copy !req
322. She was on her way
to see Thundergun too.
What are the odds of that?
Copy !req
323. I seen it twice already.
Oh, it's amazing.
Copy !req
324. What's with the helmet, bro?
Copy !req
325. Pretty cool, huh?
Ay, está bonito.
Copy !req
326. Dude, the helmet
is sweet as shit.
It's very Thundergun.
Copy !req
327. Yeah. I'm going to wear it
during the movie.
Copy !req
328. Looks like traffic
is clearing up, huh?
Yeah, it does.
Copy !req
329. All right. Punch it.
Copy !req
330. Uh, Charlie and I,
we go down the sewer.
Copy !req
331. And first thing we do is,
to preserve our clothes,
we take... take our clothes off.
Copy !req
332. We get totally naked
because you don't want
to get wet.
Copy !req
333. We ball our clothes up.
Copy !req
334. We stick them up someplace high.
Copy !req
335. There's this waitress
who Charlie's in love with,
Copy !req
336. and, uh, I banged her.
Copy !req
337. Charlie got really upset
when I banged the waitress.
Copy !req
338. Uh, but it was a lot of fun.
She was a nice piece of ass.
Copy !req
339. We don't know
who you're talking about.
Copy !req
340. Charlie. He's my buddy.
We sleep together.
We hang out together.
Copy !req
341. Once I pooped in the bed.
I blamed it on him.
Copy !req
342. One time the guys
got hooked on crack.
Copy !req
343. It was really crazy.
Copy !req
344. Well, they found a baby
in a Dumpster.
Copy !req
345. They wanted
to make some money
with the baby,
Copy !req
346. but nobody
would buy the baby
because it was white.
Copy !req
347. So they had to turn it brown.
Copy !req
348. We were fighting over the sword.
Copy !req
349. And just about when we were
about to hit each other
with the sword,
Copy !req
350. Social Services came in.
Copy !req
351. Thought we were
killing the baby.
Copy !req
352. I-I don't understand this tour.
Copy !req
353. Charlie wrote this musical.
Copy !req
354. Oh, man, it was really funny.
Copy !req
355. I played a troll on the musical.
Copy !req
356. A troll?
Yeah.
Copy !req
357. And it's called
The Nightman Cometh.
Copy !req
358. I could sing you my song,
if you like.
Copy !req
359. You gotta...
You gotta pay the troll toll
to get into this boy's hole.
Copy !req
360. I was saying "soul."
He thought I was saying
"boy's hole."
Copy !req
361. One of the things
I like doing most
is banging whores.
Copy !req
362. I, uh... I go out
and bang a lot of whores.
Copy !req
363. Yeah.
Copy !req
364. Listen. Here's the thing.
Copy !req
365. I'm going to have
to jump off here.
Copy !req
366. So you guys enjoy
the rest of the tour
on your own, okay?
Copy !req
367. How are we supposed
to get back to our tour bus?
Copy !req
368. That's your problem.
Welcome to Philly.
Copy !req
369. No hesitation.
Nah, no surrender.
Copy !req
370. No hesitation.
No surrender.
Copy !req
371. No surrender.
No surrender.
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372. No surren...
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373. Oh, shit.
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374. I surrender.
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375. Coming soon
to a theater near you.
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376. All right. Okay,
there's a nice
way to do that.
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377. There's a nice way to do that.
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378. From the director
that brought you...
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379. Ooh! Aaah! That's tart.
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380. This seat taken right here?
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381. Charlie, you made it.
Hey!
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382. What's up, Mac?
I got a seat
right in the middle, bro.
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383. - Aw, dude, that's
an awesome helmet, man.
- Thanks, dude.
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384. - Yo, where's Dee?
- Uh, she couldn't
make it, bro.
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385. Wasn't Thundergun enough.
How about Dennis?
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386. Oh, yeah, he's here.
He's Thundergunning
some Mexican chick in the back.
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387. Nice! So he's moving
a lot faster
than usual, huh?
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388. - I think he's getting
a hand job.
- Oh, I am.
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389. A hand job.
Hey, can you guys,
uh, maybe be quiet?
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390. Why don't you
switch seats with us
if it's bothering you so much?
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391. Just switch seats,
you know what I mean?
Just switch seats.
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392. Yeah, okay.
That's better.
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393. - All right.
- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
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394. Dude.
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395. Squeeze in. Squeeze...
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396. - Oh! Hey, Dee, you made it.
- Yeah, you bet your ass
I made it.
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397. - Charlie, my clothes are dry.
- You held them over your head?
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398. Held them over my head.
I told you that water wall
was coming.
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399. Excuse me, miss,
but your stench
is unbearable.
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400. It's bad, isn't it?
Yes.
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401. That's shit in my hair,
that's why.
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402. If you switch seats,
I can be closer
to those guys and you...
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403. Babe, let's get outta here.
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404. You won't smell as much...
Excuse me.
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405. - And then you won't hear all the talking and...
- Don't touch me.
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406. Congratulations.
This is a much better seat.
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407. So the water wall
came, huh?
Yeah, it came with a vengeance.
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408. Dennis is getting a hand job
in the back.
Seriously?
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409. Yeah.
Oh, congratulations.
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410. Well, we're all here.
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411. Except Frank.
I wonder where Frank is.
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412. Okay, you got
one phone call.
Make it quick.
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413. Thank you, ma'am.
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414. This is 911.
What is your emergency?
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415. I'd like to report
a bomb threat.
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416. That does not qualify
as being...
Would you shut up?
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417. The movie's about to start.
Can you shut up?
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418. Switch with us
if you're getting so upset.
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419. Fine.
Yeah, why don't you
go up there and then...
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420. We're having
a Thundergun-based
conversation.
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421. She has a bad attitude.
Talk about shutting up.
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422. Dennis, you're gonna
like these seats.
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423. At a certain point,
it's your fault
for not moving.
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424. All right.
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425. This is Elena, everybody.
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426. Oh!
It's starting.
It's starting.
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427. This is going to be badass!
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428. What's going on?
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429. Folks, please don't panic,
but we've received
a bomb threat.
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430. We ask that you remain calm
and exit the theater
in an orderly fashion.
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431. Aw.
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432. Bomb threat?
No.
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433. Bomb threat?
Oh, shit.
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434. Goddamn it, Frank.
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435. He Thundergunned all of us.
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436. He Thundergunned
the shit out of us.
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437. Frank?
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438. Frank.
Frank.
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439. English - US - Line 21
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