It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 7x10

1. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

2. It's been one week since my last confession.

3. Okay, my son.

4. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what is your confession?

5. I'm fat.

6. O great and angry God, I command thee to smite my friends!

7. Now, calm down, son! Calm down. Let's try and remain composed.

8. Okay, Father, I'll try, but I can't promise anything 'cause I'm pretty excitable.

9. Also, I'm super-pissed because my friends made me fat.

10. How did your friends make you fat? Were they force-feeding you?

11. Well, no, not exactly.

12. This whole thing started because we became incredibly successful,

13. and then they became monsters, which in turn made them make me fat.

14. So, really, I'd like to confess on them, because they're sinners and pricks.

15. Son, I don't think you understand the purpose of confession.

16. Right. All right. Sorry, Father. You need the context.

17. Let me start at the beginning.

18. My friends and I own and operate a bar in South Philly,

19. and a few weeks ago, we became more successful than we ever have before.

20. It was insane.

21. Oh, oh, oh!

22. Look who's back!

23. I scored a shitload of fireworks.

24. Out of my way, Frank.

25. Oh. Hey. Whoa.

26. North Carolina. What a hell of a state.

27. Not now, Frank. We're packed.

28. What the shit is going on around here?

29. I really don't get it. I don't see how we're so popular now.

30. I just can't wrap my head around this. Were we doing anything different?

31. - Guys, we may have tipped. - Uh-oh.

32. No, this is a good thing. This is what happens with success in business.

33. Hmm? Okay, if you keep making the right decisions over time,

34. eventually you will get to a point where you tip and you become successful.

35. - It's like that book, The Tipping Point. - I totally buy that!

36. Like, check out this decision. I keep a very clean bar every day, very tidy.

37. I think people respond to that.

38. They say, "What was that clean bar I was at the other week?" And then they show up again.

39. And then someone says, "Hey, did you see that clean bar? Let's go there."

40. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my comedy, you know.

41. All my... All my funny jokes and stuff that I throw out.

42. You know, I'm like the cute, funny waitress...

43. who has all these one-liners and hilarious jabs I throw at the customers,

44. and I add all that charm to the place.

45. That's... That's probably doing it.

46. Yeah, good-looking guy like myself, takes pride in his personal appearance,

47. takes pride in his personal hygiene, has great hair.

48. You put a guy like that behind the bar, and people will eventually flock to this man.

49. That-That's what you're saying, yeah. That's what you're saying.

50. - Sort of. - I didn't think it was...

51. Look, the point is that we gotta keep doing what it is that we do.

52. No matter how psychotically vain... Right.

53. - or needy and pathetic or, I mean, just plain sad. - Right.

54. Let's not put labels on it, 'cause we don't know which one is the one that is the most...

55. If we keep doing all of it, then we will keep tipping up.

56. - Yes. - Nice!

57. In order to maintain this success, I do think though we need to get some rest.

58. Let's do the right thing here for once in our lives, go home and get a good night's sleep.

59. But that sleep would never come, Father,

60. because success was about to change everything.

61. Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

62. Charlie. Are you asleep? No... No!

63. I had a great idea. I don't want to hear it.

64. Frank, I'm a successful man now. Okay?

65. I need to maintain a certain level of excellence,

66. so I can't have you telling me terrible ideas all night,

67. 'cause that brings me off my excellence, okay?

68. Okay, but this is a great idea. I don't want to...

69. We take the M-80's that I have...

70. and we stick 'em in some lamb.

71. And "pa-chow!" We blow it up!

72. Wh-What are you looking to do? Flash-cook a... a gyro sandwich?

73. Yeah. That's a good idea.

74. Flash-cook a sandwich. Oh, my God. Do you...

75. Cook the meat immediately.

76. What you're talking about is just a meat bomb. That's a waste of a good lamb.

77. So if you're done with coming up with terrible ideas, um, I'm going to go back to bed.

78. A meat bomb! Y-Y-Y-You blow it up.

79. I mean, like, just take the thing and stick it...

80. Aah!

81. I'm going to the crevice! No, no, no, no! Charlie! Don't go in the crevice.

82. Charlie, don't go in the crevice. I'm going in the crevice, Frank.

83. Don't go in the crevice. Oh, come on, man.

84. Oh, my God!

85. Yello. Hey-o. It's Mac. What's up?

86. Hey-o! 'Sup? Yeah, I'm gonna go out and rage.

87. Is Charlie there? Hey, it's Mac. He wants to go rage.

88. I don't care. I'm in the crevice.

89. He's in the crevice. Shit. He's in the crevice?

90. - I'll come out with you. - We'll go together, have a ball.

91. Hello?

92. I-I'm not seeing how this relates to your weight gain.

93. Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

94. Frank's not a guy that usually comes up with plans.

95. You want to know all the key players and how success affected them, right?

96. Well, I think your time could be better spent if you focused more on yourself.

97. But I haven't done very much wrong.

98. You know what, Father? I'm just going to plow ahead.

99. Because I'm sensing some resistance.

100. Dennis always tells me, never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want.

101. So, the bar's success continued.

102. But Dee's inflated ego about her comedy was keeping her from doing her job.

103. Kids these days, they have so many more choices than we had when we were little.

104. Am I right? I mean, it's like... Excuse me? Excuse me.

105. Do you want to watch Kung Fu Panda on Blu-ray... Excuse me.

106. Oh, my God. Yeah? We are still waiting on those beers.

107. Yeah! I know.

108. Right in the middle of a joke. And now where was I with it?

109. Can, um, we get those margaritas that we ordered a while ago as well?

110. That'd be great. Yeah. Can I finish the joke?

111. 'Cause the funny part comes at the end, so you're going to miss it if you don't...

112. - You keep trying to tell jokes... - Well, you keep interrupting me, and that's why I'm not...

113. They're not really landing.

114. They're not landing because I'm not getting to the punch line,

115. so if you could just be patient and let me get it out.

116. - Kids these days have so many more choices... - Don't try to finish the joke.

117. - I'm not gonna even listen. I just want my margarita. - Do you want Kung Fu Panda...

118. You're not getting your margarita. Thanks.

119. Why do we have this? What is this?

120. Dude, where the hell have you been?

121. Uh, slept in.

122. You slept in? It's almost the middle of the night, man. Why were you sleeping in?

123. Oh, God. Well, because I drank three bottles of champagne...

124. and hung out with a stray dog all night under a bridge, okay?

125. It was sweet.

126. Can I please get, like, 20 margaritas so this bitch will listen to my kid joke?

127. Okay, first of all, your jokes never land. All right?

128. So please don't concentrate on your comedy anymore. 'Cause it's terrible, all right?

129. I'm sorry. I said it. Look, can we just do what we normally do?

130. I shouldn't even be bartending.

131. I'm in over my head, I'm yelling at customers 'cause I'm getting a little agitated here.

132. Can Dennis please come here and do this? Where is Dennis?

133. Dennis is in the bathroom, and he's been there for, like, an hour!

134. Okay, company meeting in the bathroom. Okay, guys?

135. Company meeting. Let's go.

136. Dennis! Where are you, bud? Company meeting!

137. Uh, I'm in here. Good, man. Hop on out. Company meeting.

138. - I don't want to. - You have to. It's a company meeting.

139. No. What's going on in there?

140. I'm bashing it. I'm bashing it!

141. Oh, no. No, no, don't bash. I-I-I'll come out.

142. - Oh!

143. Uh, I saw a couple gray hairs, and I was, like, "I'll eradicate those," and then...

144. - With black paint? - Well, just go easy on me. Don't make fun of me.

145. I feel very sensitive right now. It's hard to maintain all this.

146. You look like Superman.

147. Oh, cool. Yeah, right on. Well, he was the original, right? So...

148. The original what? S-Superhero.

149. He was, like... Is that what you're going for?

150. - No. - Dude, come on!

151. It wouldn't be that obvious if you didn't know me. You'd be, "Shit. Maybe that's Superman."

152. No, you wouldn't! Everyone knows who Superman is, and they know it's not you!

153. - Shit. Right. - Guys, come on!

154. Clearly, success is starting to get to all of us!

155. We can't be Superman!

156. Yeah, no shit. I'm running around like an animal out there.

157. All I'm doing is serving drinks!

158. You're supposed to serve drinks. You're a waitress.

159. People need their drinks, and we need a waitress to serve those drinks!

160. Guys, don't change now. All right?

161. We have a certain chemistry that got us here to begin with. We don't need to start...

162. Aw, that's terrible! Let's just get back out there and step it up a little bit.

163. Please? Let's just get back to work, man, and do what we do. Okay?

164. "Back to work. Back to work, everybody.

165. I'm Charlie, and I'm in charge all of a sudden."

166. Are you eating in there?

167. Uh, yeah.

168. I got some doughnuts and some M&M's and some, uh, chips.

169. I could pass them through if you want some.

170. You aren't allowed to eat in here!

171. I'm sorry, Father. I have enough.

172. If you want a doughnut, I could give you one.

173. You better put that away or come back when you're finished.

174. Okay. I-I'm done. Done.

175. Uh, so Charlie was up all night working,

176. and Frank kept coming up with plans, and they were not good.

177. Oh, shit.

178. Oh, my God. It's morning already, huh?

179. Ow! Hey, that's good.

180. You wanna do that to people? What is that? What are you doing?

181. It's a plan. We'll do it to people. We'll go around...

182. Look at that. Look at the look on your face. That's so good!

183. Frank, I don't even think you know what a plan is, dude.

184. All right, I got something else I've been working on all night. Come with me. Lock up.

185. Don't hit me with the stick again. Come with me.

186. Oh, my God.

187. Okay, Charlie? All right, look at this now.

188. I put two extra stop signs. Yeah.

189. Now there's four stop signs. All right.

190. So no cars can go.

191. Frank, you've just created a four-way intersection.

192. If anything, you've made this intersection safer.

193. No shit.

194. Oh.

195. Look, dude, I don't have time for these shenanigans. All right? I need sleep.

196. I'm a success now. I'm trying so hard not to tip.

197. Ow! You need sleep?

198. Stop hitting me with the stick, dude. This is the plan.

199. This is the one we should have done. That was the one.

200. You little bitch!

201. And Charlie was, like, "I'm gonna jam that stick up your ass!"

202. And then Frank was, like, "Come here, you little bitch! Goddamn it!"

203. You don't need to repeat all of the obscene language.

204. Oh. I'm sorry, Father.

205. I got lost in the moment because I'm a natural storyteller.

206. Anyway, I was being super prudent.

207. I was mapping out my successful lifestyle... you know, champagne, sailing.

208. I've always wanted to sail.

209. I was really the only one who was handling the success with class, to be honest with you,

210. when Dee interrupted me with some lazy plan to get out of working.

211. - Lazy's a sin, right? - Uh, you mean sloth?

212. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dee is guilty of sloth.

213. And she's pro-abortion.

214. Hey. Okay, listen to this.

215. One sec.

216. Just picking out the places I want to avoid when I sail across the world.

217. No Africa for you, huh? No.

218. I don't want to go to any poor places, you know.

219. Successful guy like myself, I'll have a target on my back. Right.

220. So, I guess that's, uh... Okay. Well...

221. And, uh, too cold. Yeah.

222. Ugh. Too violent. Yeah, it's hot down there.

223. Too angry. Oh, the whole thing.

224. Just gonna sail around the United States is what it looks like. That's all...

225. Uh, well, I probably want to avoid, like, this.

226. Yeah. I don't blame you for that.

227. And I don't know what happens out here. Okay, I tell you what.

228. While you were planning all of this, I came up with an amazing idea...

229. that's gonna save everything for us.

230. You ready for this? We get ourselves replacements.

231. That's not a very good idea. Well, stay with me.

232. They're not just any replacements.

233. They'll be the total embodiment of us in looks and personality,

234. so that we maintain the same group chemistry and avoid tipping.

235. So they'll be like our avatars? Sure, if that helps you.

236. Let's tell Dennis. Okay, yeah.

237. Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

238. - I'm not sleeping. - What are you doing? Why are you hiding under the covers?

239. Mmm.

240. My God!

241. Do I look foolish?

242. Well, what in God's name have you done to your face?

243. I got a chemical peel.

244. You look like a monster, dude.

245. I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me.

246. What expectations?

247. Physical perfection.

248. What?

249. Clearly, the success of the bar has proved that I have achieved physical perfection.

250. And now there's nowhere else for me to go but down from here.

251. So now I'm hanging on by a thread.

252. Why don't you lay off the skin treatments for a while?

253. Yeah, yeah.

254. Oh. You don't think I should mess with my face anymore?

255. Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.

256. - Uh-huh. - Not a good one?

257. - Not a nice mask of myself? - Not a good one.

258. Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?

259. - Oh, my God. - And if there was, would you guys wear it?

260. What is happening? I'm very confused.

261. I'm going to be alone.

262. Okay.

263. And without Dennis to shit all over Dee's ideas with me,

264. I was lured into her very lazy, slothy, sinful avatar plan.

265. Mmm. I got to say, I like what I'm seeing here.

266. Mm-hmm. Yeah, let me, uh...

267. Let me just fill you in on what we're doing here.

268. See, Mac and I run the hottest bar in Philadelphia,

269. and we are looking for a couple of employees to fill our shoes, literally.

270. Mmm. That said, there's a set of dumbbells to your feet there.

271. I'd like you to lift those and curl them, but don't do it in a normal way.

272. - Now, this is for a bartending job, right? - Yeah.

273. Yeah, this is all part of it. Now, get to work, beefcake. Okay.

274. Guess I can fire off a couple reverse curls.

275. He said "fire off." I like that.

276. - Yeah, I heard him. - I like that. Look at that. Excellent!

277. Oh, man! He executed those perfectly.

278. Knows exactly what I'm talking about.

279. I'd like to fast-track him, Dee. He's perfect. What? For you?

280. Yeah, of course. What do... He looks nothing like you.

281. Well, no. Since we've been working, I've been neglecting my fitness regimen. He understands.

282. No, no, no, no. You never, ever once in your life have looked like that.

283. When I leave the gym, and I have a full pump... Yeah?

284. Dee was right though.

285. For me to use that gorgeous muscle monster as my avatar,

286. I had to put on some serious bulk.

287. So did you go to the gym?

288. The gym?

289. Father, when Peter did the statue of David, he wasn't just hammering at pebbles.

290. First, he ordered the Jews to bring him a massive slab of marble.

291. Okay. Let's wrap this up.

292. Right. Okay, so Charlie was working his ass off.

293. But the customers were getting just as frustrated as he was.

294. Clearly, the pressures of success were cracking both he and Dennis.

295. Hang on a second. I got this guy. I got my man right here.

296. You're the one who wanted the, uh, two Coors Lights and the gin and tonic. Right?

297. No. I've been waiting half an hour for a Jack and Coke.

298. You've been waiting half an hour? Half an hour?

299. Well, with an attitude like that, you can wait another half an hour, buddy.

300. Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.

301. Because I'm dipping them in bleach so that I can clean them faster.

302. I don't have time to wash every single glass.

303. I dip it in bleach! Then it's clean!

304. - I'm not drinking bleach. - Then get out of my bar! Get out of my bar!

305. - I don't want to see you! Is that your buddy? Go with him! - No. I don't even know him.

306. You don't even know him! Okay, well, become friends on your walk home!

307. Get out!

308. Unbelievable. What's going on, man?

309. What's going on, dude, is that I'm completely overwhelmed.

310. I suck at bartending! I'm going crazy! Everyone's yelling at me!

311. They're getting all pissed off! Why is your face shiny?

312. I had my skin peeled off with chemicals.

313. - Yeah? - Want to know why?

314. - Not really. - Well, it's just, uh,

315. you know, I've created a level of success for myself that, uh...

316. I just don't know if I can live up to it anymore, man.

317. My level of excellence is so high that I'm feeling the pressures, man.

318. Dude, I'm operating at such an excellent level. It's insane.

319. You know, I'm running at a 10 of excellence,

320. and I'm used to being at whatever number.

321. I-I don't even want to be at, like, somewhere lower. But whatever.

322. The point is that I'm not going to let the bar down.

323. Hey, being on the tipping point is about working hard...

324. and caring about that work and really giving it your all.

325. Let's get high in the back office.

326. Let's get high and drop all this, right? Yeah.

327. Deandra, you got to... All you have to do is hold the pigeon.

328. I stick the M-80 under its wing. I blow it up.

329. No, Frank. I'm not gonna help you detonate a pigeon.

330. That would be terrible publicity for a young comedienne.

331. Well, you don't have to do anything.

332. We stick the pigeon in there, we run,

333. the flock blows up, we got a lot of tasty meat. Hold on, hold on.

334. Shut up! Shut up! What's going on? Where is everyone?

335. I have all kinds of new bits and no audience. Oh, shit.

336. Maybe we tipped too soon. No. No! I was just starting to get a taste of success.

337. I need more.

338. What's that? Music.

339. Coming from in the back. Back here?

340. What? Hey! What the hell are you dick bags doing back here?

341. The bar is completely empty!

342. I'm watching Charlie do his thing, and it's good, man.

343. It's, like, good.

344. It looks like we did tip, Deandra.

345. We might as well sin and get high.

346. I mean, I'm a sinner too, right?

347. Oh, Mac's the best! Isn't he? Oh, I love him.

348. Also, I'm pro-abortion, so I'm probably going straight to hell.

349. Ho-ho! And I got fat. I'm much fatter than Mac!

350. You're so fat, and, uh... Oh, big, fat, big, fat.

351. Big, fat titties. Big, fat ass.

352. You got big, fat titties. And I like to kill babies. Unborn babies.

353. I'm not exactly sure how that conversation went, but I imagine it was along those lines.

354. The point is, six weeks later, they dropped a bomb on me.

355. We're not idiots. Of course I'm going to take the precaution of boiling the blood...

356. before I use it. That goes without saying.

357. It doesn't matter if you boil it, Charlie.

358. You can't replace Frank's blood with bags of blood that you found behind a hospital.

359. But wait, wait... It just won't work.

360. Dennis, he's not going to replace my blood.

361. He's going to add to it to make me more virile. I'm just pumping more in.

362. So you're just gonna be bursting at the seams with blood?

363. - Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

364. Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

365. I did it. I'm 200 pounds.

366. - I'm as big as my avatar. - What's an avatar?

367. You know, the avatar that we're going to get to do all of our work for us,

368. so I can go sailing and Dee can tell her stupid jokes...

369. and Dennis can pour more acid on his face.

370. Are we still doing that? No. We gave that plan up a really long time ago.

371. Is that why you've been stuffing your face for six weeks?

372. Yeah! I've been trying to get as big as my avatar, so we don't tip.

373. Dude, that was, like, a million plans ago.

374. All of us, including you,

375. we've been engaged in many other plans and schemes since then. Wh-Where have you been?

376. - You guys dropped the tipping point? - Yeah.

377. I thought we were just putting it on the back burner until I hit two hundo.

378. Why do you think we've been calling you fat this entire time?

379. Wh-Why wouldn't somebody tell me that we dropped the plan?

380. Stop chewing on food and start thinking about what's going on in the bar and in your life!

381. D-Don't make fun of me, okay?

382. I'm busting my ass out there trying to do the avatar plan,

383. a-and now you guys are laughing at me!

384. But you have candy coming out of your pocket!

385. I was hungry! I was hungry! Don't laugh at me!

386. Don't laugh at me! "Don't laugh at me!"

387. He can't do it!

388. What are you doing? Is he trying to rip his shirt off?

389. You guys are going to hell! Okay? You guys are going to hell!

390. - Don't laugh at me! Don't laugh at me!

391. And that's it. So now you understand.

392. I understand none of it.

393. Father, my friends totally boned me.

394. They became successful, egotistical monsters.

395. They forced me into this avatar thing, and now they're totally ditching the plan.

396. But it's all about the avatar. The beefcake avatar.

397. But you weren't gonna understand that unless I told you the whole story.

398. I-I'm going to be perfectly honest.

399. I still don't know what you want me to do.

400. Okay, um, let me start at the beginning, because clearly you didn't understand it.

401. No, no, no! No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

402. I-If, uh... If I smite your friends and absolve you, will you leave?

403. Yeah. You're absolved, and your friends are smited.

404. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Please leave.

405. Okay, great. Oh, um, when should I see the results?

406. - What are you talking about? - When does the spell kick in?

407. Wh-When is God gonna shed some of this weight for me?

408. - Six weeks. - Great.

409. Not hard. Perfect.

410. Uh, glory unto you, ghost man in the sky...

411. that created us all and predetermines everything.

412. I'll see you in six weeks.

413. English - US - Line 21