1. I'm so pumped, dude.
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2. I hope I get to see
at least one ancient spirit.
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3. I think we should get
some chalk and some erasers...
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4. because that dust cloud, you know,
really shows the laser beam alarms.
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5. - So you can see...
- Oh! Get a little dust cloud going.
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6. We got to spend a lot of time
in the Civil War section.
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7. No, we're not doing
the Civil War section, Frank.
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8. We are gonna hit up ancient Egypt though.
I'm very excited about that.
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9. - And we're sticking together.
- Just so I'm clear...
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10. you guys don't actually think that things
are going to come alive...
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11. because you're spending the night
in a museum, right?
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12. I'm sorry, but we're simply
opening ourselves up...
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13. to the possibility
of an amazing adventure this evening.
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14. Is there something wrong with that?
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15. Now, whether that means
Charlie running into his ancient spirits...
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16. or us having to just, you know, run away
from security guards all night...
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17. Either way, it's gonna be
a really, really great time.
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18. It's certainly gonna be a lot better
than sticking around the bar all night...
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19. watching you eat sandwich
after sandwich after sandwich.
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20. What the hell is the matter with you?
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21. You've been stuffing your face for days.
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22. It's fatness, Frank, plain and simple.
It's a person becoming fat before your eyes.
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23. I don't even really know how to make the
bird jokes anymore. Like, they don't apply.
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24. I'm not fat. I'm pregnant.
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25. I feel like you say that all the time now.
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26. You better do yourself a favor
and flush it out.
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27. Wait a second. You've definitely
said that before. You're right.
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28. Yeah, and since we're all saying things that
we say all the time, I'll just reiterate...
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29. Dee, we don't care about you
or your body or your baby...
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30. or that baby bird that you're probably
carrying inside of you.
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31. - Right.
- Oh, really?
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32. Well, you should give a shit,
'cause one of you is the father.
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33. - What?
- Wh-What the hell you talking about?
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34. I'm talking about the Halloween party,
where one of you got me pregnant.
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35. But, you know, since you guys don't care
about me or my body or my baby...
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36. or whatever it was that you were saying,
we shouldn't talk about it.
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37. You guys are on your way to a museum to spend the night.
Hey, have a great time, guys.
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38. - Oh, shit.
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39. I mean, what is she even talking about?
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40. Got her pregnant at the Halloween party?
What does that mean?
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41. I don't even remember that party.
I was wasted.
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42. Yeah, me too. I browned out that evening.
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43. "Browned out"? What's "browned out"?
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44. Oh, it's when you drink so much
that everything goes brown.
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45. It's not as severe as a blackout,
'cause I remember bits and pieces.
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46. I like to call it "browning out."
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47. - Hmm, never heard of that before.
- There's a good reason for that, Frank...
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48. because I think Mac
just made it up on the spot.
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49. - I did.
- You did. That's a great term.
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50. - "Browning out"?
- You like it?
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51. - I love it.
- Thank you.
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52. I'm pretty sure at a certain point...
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53. we all probably browned out.
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54. So I think our best chance
at figuring this out...
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55. is for us to all
put our browns together...
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56. mash them together and try and figure out
which one of you two banged my sister.
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57. Okay, but let's not overuse the "brown"
thing right in the beginning, you know.
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58. Yeah, but here's the thing...
Once you throw a term like that out...
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59. and everybody likes it,
it's pretty much fair game.
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60. - We can use it whenever we want.
- It's public domain at that point.
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61. - It becomes public domain.
- Now we're just trying to figure out who banged Dee.
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62. That's the important thing. Let's not
focus too much on the "brown" thing...
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63. even though it's a term
that I'm gonna use a lot.
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64. And I'm probably gonna use it
a lot right now.
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65. So here's what I remember
from my brown state.
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66. I remember we were all in costume...
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67. and our costumes were pretty cool,
except for yours.
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68. I was really pissed off at you, because
we agreed to go as Mario and Luigi.
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69. I held up my end of the bargain.
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70. And then you showed up wearing a
different costume at the last minute.
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71. Dude, what are you doing?
Where's your Mario costume?
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72. No, I went with a sexier look.
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73. Sexy? Bro, we agreed on funny
over sexy this year...
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74. so we could disarm the ladies.
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75. You don't remember this conversation?
Without my Mario, what am I?
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76. I'm just, like, some weird Italian plumber.
I look like an asshole.
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77. What is that? What even is that?
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78. I'm that character from Lord of
the Rings, "Viggio Morgenstein."
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79. Okay, that is not the character's name.
That's the actor's name.
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80. And you're not even getting that right.
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81. You're totally, totally boning me here, bro.
Do you realize that?
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82. Yo, yo, yo!
Look at the turnout for our "par-tay."
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83. I want to suck your blood!
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84. It's Twilight time!
Time for blood sucking.
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85. Yeah, dude, I'm doing a vampire thing!
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86. 'Cause chicks are all
into vampires and stuff...
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87. you know, 'cause of the stupid Twilight
movie and all that other crap.
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88. You know, so I'm like, what if the waitress
is into it? This is my best shot!
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89. You are dressed like the Phantom
of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
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90. - He eats theater people.
- No, he doesn't.
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91. - I think he might.
- He does.
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92. And I'm surprised you even know
who the Phantom of the Opera is.
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93. - He might not.
- He doesn't.
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94. - No, I don't. I don't.
- This party blows.
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95. There's no studs here. No beef
in the freezer, if you know what I mean.
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96. Dee, why in God's name would you
wear a costume with giant wings?
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97. - I'm a sexy angel.
- Are we supposed to pretend...
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98. like you're not dressed like a giant bird?
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99. I mean, if you're gonna be sexy,
don't dress like a bird, Dee.
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100. - I didn't dress like a bird. I'm clearly an angel.
- No.
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101. Besides, did you guys see that cooze
over there dressing like a peacock?
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102. Big, giant bird. Green bird.
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103. - Ooh!
- Ooh!
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104. She wears it well.
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105. Woof, woof. She wears it very well.
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106. She wears it so well, in fact, that I have now
pinpointed her as my prey for the evening.
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107. Yeah! She will be mine.
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108. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna go
get that process started right now.
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109. Out of my way, bird.
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110. This is all sounding right.
I remember this.
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111. Yeah? This all sounds right to you?
Okay, okay.
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112. So it was later in the evening,
and things had progressed quite a bit...
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113. 'cause I remember we were all
starting to get pretty lit at this point.
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114. But, see, I distinctly remember
there being...
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115. some kind of a commotion
at the other end of the bar.
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116. Hey, leave us alone! Just stop it!
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117. Now, this lady, she sounded like
she was in a fair amount of distress...
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118. but I didn't really give a shit, because
despite looking like a cartoon bricklayer...
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119. I was starting to get pretty close to
sealing the deal with the peacock lady.
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120. Look, dude, you've been
bugging me all night, okay?
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121. I think your costume's weird,
I think you're creepy...
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122. - and I just want you to leave me alone.
- Yeah.
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123. Yes.
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124. Yes.
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125. - Stupid costume is so sexy.
- What?
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126. I can't believe it, man.
She takes advantage of me.
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127. She's like, "Oh, my God, you look so sexy!
I'm gonna sex you all up!"
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128. I'm like, "You're just my friend!
Get your sex off me!"
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129. And then she gets all sexy with me, 'cause I've,
like, got the sexiest costume in the world on!
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130. - I hate it!
- So what... Did you want to get rid of that costume?
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131. Yes, I want to get rid of the costume!
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132. You have any idea
what it's like to be this sexy?
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133. - Can I have your costume, dude?
- Yeah, you can have it.
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134. - Really? You'll switch costumes with me?
- I didn't even wanna be...
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135. - Yeah!
- Let's switch. Let's switch.
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136. Come on, let's go switch.
You'll be okay, buddy.
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137. Yes, dude! It's all coming back to me now.
You came over to me.
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138. We agreed to switch costumes.
You gave me your sexy, sexy costume...
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139. and I was able to fell
the seductive temptress finally.
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140. Oh, yeah, so I did have sex
with the peacock lady.
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141. Yeah, awesome.
Ah, that's so awesome, dude.
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142. Well, mystery solved. I mean... Awesome!
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143. - That's not the mystery.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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144. That you banged the peacock chick
is not the mystery.
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145. The Dee thing is the mystery. Right. Dee...
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146. Somebody had sex with Dee, and she got
pregnant and... Well, whatever. Okay.
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147. Well, clearly, from that story,
Charlie, you're the one that banged her.
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148. That's why you were feeling
so much remorse and regret...
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149. and you had the tears
coming out of your eye.
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150. Who wouldn't feel that way after banging...
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151. Ah, shit, dude. Oh, shit.
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152. 'Cause the way
you're telling that story...
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153. it definitely sounds like that,
'cause I remember crying!
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154. No.
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155. Those were tears of joy.
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156. Yes, and it wasn't
'cause of Dee, obviously.
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157. Okay, I remember this now.
I remember this, all right?
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158. Frank and Artemis
were sitting at the bar...
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159. and they were in the middle
of some kind of big argument.
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160. And I was with the McPoyle brothers
over at the jukebox...
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161. and I just finalized
a delicate truce with them.
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162. So look... So if you guys are cool,
then I'm totally cool.
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163. - We're cool as cucumbers.
- Bump it.
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164. This time I will bump it. The truce is on!
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165. We bumped fists, and Dee walked by.
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166. - Oh, hey, Dee.
- Hey, Charlie. Great costume.
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167. Yeah, you too.
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168. Thanks.
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169. Like the feathers.
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170. - And just then the waitress came in.
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171. Hey, I see you received my invitation.
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172. Yeah, Charlie, I received all 100 of them.
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173. Who's this jerk?
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174. This is my new boyfriend.
He's here to protect me.
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175. Oh, wait.
This is the guy you were telling me about.
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176. - Hey.
- Hey.
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177. - The lady's taken.
- Get out of my face, bro.
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178. - Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.
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179. - You want to get your ass kicked?
- Okay, leave us alone.
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180. - I have to defend your honor!
- Please stop it!
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181. Mac, get my back.
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182. Oh, goddamn it! I got milk all over me!
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183. That... was insanely masculine.
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184. I made out with the waitress!
That's amazing, man!
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185. I got to call her or... I'm out of here.
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186. - Charlie, didn't happen.
- What? What?
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187. - No?
- That's not the way it happened.
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188. - No?
- No. You got parts of it right...
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189. but you're leaving out some major things.
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190. Let me set the damn record straight.
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191. First of all, don't say I went as Spider-Man.
I didn't go as Spider-Man.
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192. I was Man-Spider.
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193. Totally different!
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194. Yes, I was having
an argument with Artemis...
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195. because a couple weeks before,
we had some makeup sex...
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196. in a Dumpster out in
the back of Wendy's.
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197. - Yeah! Yeah!
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198. She incorporated
a bun in the lovemaking.
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199. She took the... the dough...
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200. and rolled it up into a ball,
and then she...
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201. We were going berserk. She loves
that kind of stuff. And I-I admit I do too.
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202. Frank... Frank, we don't need
to hear this part of the story, okay?
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203. Can you just tell us about Halloween?
Stick to Halloween night.
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204. Okay. We were arguing...
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205. because she wanted another Dumpster
hump, and I wanted to stay at the party.
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206. So I walked away. That's when
you were doing your thing.
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207. - I'm gonna kick your ass, bro!
- Leave us alone!
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208. - I have to defend your honor!
- Please stop!
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209. - Mac, get my back, dude!
- I'm here, buddy!
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210. Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!
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211. You are insane!
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212. Insanely masculine.
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213. It was Artemis
that took advantage of you...
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214. because she was trying
to make me jealous.
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215. - After you broke free...
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216. you wandered off muttering something
about the costume being too sexy.
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217. Not from you!
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218. It's the stupid sexy costume!
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219. Ah, shit. Somebody please tell me
Frank's memory is not correct.
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220. Knock, knock, dick-faces.
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221. - Hi.
- Artie, thanks for coming so quick.
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222. Listen, we're trying to piece together
a night, and we need some guidance.
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223. I don't remember that night.
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224. I didn't tell you which night yet.
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225. I don't remember most evenings.
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226. You can try me,
but I will not promise you anything.
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227. - Last Halloween.
- Oh, Halloween.
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228. - Anything ring a bell?
- That was quite a night.
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229. I suppose I do recall
a few bits and pieces.
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230. - What happened?
- Spill.
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231. Well, I was angry at you...
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232. because of an incident
that happened a few weeks before...
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233. where you and I were
in the Dumpster behind Wendy's.
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234. — I incorporated a hamburger
bun in a way that he found very...
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235. This is not the part that... Why does
everybody think we wanna know about that?
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236. Because it's really interesting and innovative,
and I thought maybe you'd want some lessons.
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237. - Did you make out with me?
- I sure did.
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238. And it worked like a charm. I had Frank all
to myself for a month straight after that.
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239. All right, let's get back to Halloween.
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240. Anything else that happened that night...
like Deandra getting pregnant?
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241. Oh, well, that makes sense.
Mac slept with her at the party.
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242. What?
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243. What are you talking about?
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244. I'm talking about the sounds of hot,
passionate lovemaking...
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245. that was coming from the bathroom that
I had heard with my own two ear-balls.
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246. After the fight and the kiss...
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247. Mac had blood all over his knuckles
and went to the bathroom to wash it off.
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248. Dee was incensed that her costume
was covered in milk.
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249. — So she went to the
bathroom to clean herself up.
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250. But the line
for the ladies' room was too long...
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251. so she went to the men's room.
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252. Frank started to apologize to me,
and after a few minutes...
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253. we decided to have makeup sex
in the men's room.
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254. But the door was locked, and I heard
the passionate, unmistakable sounds...
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255. of lovemaking coming from inside.
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256. Mac was making love
to Sweet Dee in the bathroom...
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257. so Frank and I had to sneak outside
to my station wagon...
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258. where we gave each other hand jobs.
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259. Well, there you have it. Mac's the dad.
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260. - Mac's the dad! Chant with me.
- No...
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261. - Mac's the dad! Let's go! Mac...
- No, I'm not the...
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262. I'm not the dad, okay, Charlie?
Just trust me on that.
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263. Hey, all the evidence
is pointing towards you, pal.
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264. Yes, there were passionate sounds
of lovemaking...
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265. coming from the bathroom,
but it wasn't me and Dee.
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266. Damn it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to
admit this, but I guess I have to tell you.
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267. Okay, here goes.
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268. I was in the back of the bar
when the commotion began...
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269. and I heard Charlie cry out for help.
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270. He was about to get
his ass kicked by thatgiant dude.
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271. Mac, help me, please! I need you!
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272. - There was no time for an ocular pat-down.
- Not in my bar, bro.
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273. I secured the area, and I
retained order- like I always do.
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274. Everybody chill.
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275. It's cool now.
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276. I had a tremendous amount of douche
bag blood all over my knuckles...
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277. so I went to the bathroom
to clean it off.
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278. - That's when Dee came in.
- Oh, hey, Dee.
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279. Look, I do not give a shit
about your problems, Dee, okay?
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280. I'm still pumped up from that ass-whooping
I just handed out. Did you see that?
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281. I don't give a shit, Dee, okay?
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282. - I don't know how you're gonna get
all that milk off of you. -
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283. - What is that supposed to mean?
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284. Okay, you know what? Shoo. Shoo.
Get out of here. Shoo. Shoo!
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285. - Get out of here. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Come on!
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286. Get out! Get out!
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287. So annoying.
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288. Whoa! Margaret, what are you doing here?
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289. God, that is so gross.
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290. You're always doing that.
Are you trying to tell me something?
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291. Is that, like, a sexual thing?
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292. All right. Let's do this.
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293. Hold on a second. So are you telling us...
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294. that you had sex with
Margaret McPoyle that night?
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295. Yes.
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296. - Ooh.
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297. - Yeah.
- Well, you know...
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298. we got to go confront the McPoyles
about this now.
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299. Yeah, we got to confirm this whole story.
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300. The only consistent part
about every single one of these stories...
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301. is that the McPoyles were there,
and they were drinking milk...
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302. which means they were
stone-cold sober that night.
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303. They could probably confirm the truth.
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304. Ah, shit.
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305. Last Halloween. Hmm.
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306. And Dee's pregnant, huh?
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307. Hmm.
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308. I remember that night well.
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309. As do I. Quite well.
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310. You were all very, very, very drunk.
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311. - Quite drunk.
- You should feel shame.
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312. Okay, don't give us
your judgments, all right?
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313. - Can you please just tell us what you remember?
- Tell us what happened.
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314. Well, we just finished accepting
Charles's terrible, terrible truce.
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315. That's, like, the whole truce.
You know, that's all there is to it.
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316. And if you guys are cool with it,
then I'll be perfectly cool with it.
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317. - Whatever.
- Just get out of our face. Your breath is awful.
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318. - Oh, really?
- Yeah.
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319. All right, well, bump it?
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320. What about this one? You bump?
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321. That's cool.
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322. Cool, guys. Good truce, good truce,
good truce, good truce.
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323. - Ah, hey, Dee.
- Shut up.
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324. Yep. Yep.
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325. Uh, hello, hello, hello, hello!
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326. I see you received my invitation.
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327. I'm sorry. Do I know you?
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328. - Who's this jerk?
- Uh, this is my boyfriend.
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329. - What the hell?
- Whoa. Time out, buddy. What's going on here?
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330. The lady's taken, buddy!
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331. - Yeah, I know she is!
- Who are you?
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332. - You want to get your ass kicked?
- Leave us alone!
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333. I have to defend your honor!
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334. Mac, get my back!
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335. Goddamn it! I got milk all over me!
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336. Viggio Morgenstein!
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337. Hey.
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338. I'm insanely high on mescaline.
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339. Are you telling me
that wasn't even the waitress?
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340. Not at all.
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341. After the fight,
Mac went to the bathroom...
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342. - to wash that poor girl's blood off his hands.
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343. And Dee followed.
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344. They were only in there a short moment
together before Dee came back out.
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345. Mac kicked her out of the bathroom...
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346. so he could make sweet love
to Margaret in private.
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347. I heard you gave
quite a performance, Macwell.
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348. - Mmm.
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349. - Mmm!
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350. - Mmm!
- Oh!
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351. Okay, that's enough, all right?
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352. God, that's your sister.
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353. - Uh...
- Yeah.
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354. You know what? Just move past it.
Tell the story, please.
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355. She's still expecting a call.
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356. Okay. That's not gonna happen,
so just move past it, all right?
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357. You will call her!
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358. Jesus, man, I'm sorry.
Fine, I'll call her.
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359. As I was saying...
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360. Dee came out of the bathroom
in quite a rage.
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361. Stupid costume.
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362. Everybody calling me a bird.
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363. She accosted the girl
you were all ogling that evening.
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364. Hey, you, everybody thinks
you're so hot, huh? You big hot bird.
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365. Well, I tell you what.
You take it off and switch with me.
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366. - What are you talking about?
- Me, mine...
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367. This is mine now. Switch it.
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368. - Uh, I don't think so.
- "Oh, I don't think so."
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369. I didn't ask you, okay?
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370. Listen. All right, number one,
it's a win-win for both of us.
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371. That weird plumber... he's gonna
leave you alone for the rest of the night.
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372. That's good, right?
And then the second great thing for you...
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373. is I'm not gonna beat the shit out of you,
so let's go.
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374. Dee came out of the bathroom
in her new costume feeling quite saucy.
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375. Call me a bird all night.
Making fun, saying names.
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376. Well, let's see who's sexy now, dickwads.
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377. 'Cause I look good.
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378. Dee was clearly on a warpath...
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379. to prove to one of you
that she was indeed sexy.
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380. And the best way to do that was to
trick one of you two into making love to her.
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381. Knowing that
Charlie was the weakest...
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382. and by far the most vulnerable...
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383. she assumed he would be
the easiest to take advantage of.
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384. And so she took Charlie into
the back office and had her way with him.
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385. You should see the look on your face.
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386. It's good enough to eat.
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387. No. Hold on a second. That wasn't me.
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388. - What?
- That wasn't me. I switched costumes with Dennis.
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389. That was Dennis.
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390. So Dennis thought Deandra
was the peacock chick.
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391. And Dee thought
that Dennis was Charlie?
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392. So Dee thinks that I'm the dad,
but, Dennis, you're the dad!
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393. Delightful.
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394. Oh, shit. I'm gonna be sick.
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395. Go. Do it.
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396. - Feel it. Let it out.
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397. - Let's just get out... Let's just get out of here.
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398. Don't flush.
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399. - Dee!
- Deandra!
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400. Dee! Dee!
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401. - Deandra!
- Yeah!
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402. This is bad! This is real bad!
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403. You thought you had sex with Charlie...
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404. but it was Dennis that you
went into the back room with.
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405. - See?
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406. I had sex with you.
It was sex with me. It was sex with me.
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407. He threw up the whole way over here, Dee.
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408. Dennis is the father of that baby.
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409. We got to get you and that monster
that's in your gut down to Mexico A.S.A.P.!
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410. Are you kidding me?
I did not have sex with Dennis.
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411. Yes, you did! Yeah...
All right, look, look.
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412. You went in the back office
with him, not me.
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413. You thought it was me 'cause you wanted
sex from me! But you got sex from Dennis!
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414. Okay, you're saying that because I went
into the back office alone with Dennis...
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415. that I must have had sex with him?
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416. Gross! No! That did not happen.
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417. Have you guys been obsessing
about this all night long?
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418. - Yes!
- Yeah?
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419. Of course. We were running around
trying to figure out who the father is.
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420. If it's not Dennis, who is it?
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421. - It's none of you.
- Huh?
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422. No, none of you are the father.
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423. I just told you that 'cause you were making
fun of me for eating the sandwich...
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424. and I thought it would upset you
and get you going, and it did, it worked.
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425. You guys have been obsessing
about this all night.
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426. So, wait...
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427. Are-Are you absolutely sure
that you and I did not have sex...
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428. and that that's not my...
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429. Uh, yeah.
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430. - Oh!
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431. - Whoa! Ho, ho!
- Whoo!
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432. Yeah, but I'll tell you what.
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433. I'm not gonna tell you who the father is.
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434. - Who gives a shit?
- Yeah.
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435. You all give a shit.
You just said so. You were up all night.
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436. You were thinking about it all night long.
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437. Yeah, but that was before,
when you said it was one of us.
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438. - Now that it's not one of us, I mean...
- Who cares?
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439. - Who cares, right?
- It's no big deal.
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440. - Yeah, we don't care.
- All right. Oh, my God.
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441. I got to take a... Oh, Jesus.
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442. - Whoo, ooh!
- Whoa, baby!
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443. Whoo!
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444. - This close, baby.
- That is a load off my shoulders, man.
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445. - I really dodged a bullet on that one.
- You did, man.
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446. - Well, we all did. We all did.
- Hey, what about the museum?
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447. - Huh?
- Yes!
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448. - We could do it.
- Boom.
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449. There's still time!
Dee, we're out of here!
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450. - You look like a turkey!
- Yeah.
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451. - I would say... I would say, you look like an ostrich!
- Yes!
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452. - Right?
- That's pretty good.
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453. You know, I want to call her an emu...
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454. - but I want to save it for, you know...
- Save it, save it, save it.
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455. You are a big, fat, flightless bird!
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456. - Yeah, yeah!
- Those are all...
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457. - Those are all...
- Yeah, I mean...
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458. - Just sort of the general...
- The general whatever.
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459. English - US - SDH
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