1. - Look what Charlie and I found.
- Look at this.
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2. Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me.
It reeks. What is that?
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3. - Dude, this is our mail.
- Look at that.
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4. - It was in the sewer.
- What is our mail doing in the sewer?
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5. I threw it in there. You turkeys never open it,
so I just started throwing it in the sewer.
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6. Why don't you just throw it into the trash?
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7. Because if I threw it in the trash,
you would find it and then yell at me.
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8. Besides, I certainly never expected
you guys to be rooting around in the sewer.
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9. Uh, yeah. That brings up another issue.
What are you two doing in the sewer?
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10. - We always go in the sewer.
- We hang out in the sewer.
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11. Why?
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12. Why? There's stuff down there.
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13. - Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer.
- You find shit down there.
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14. - But how are you so clean?
- We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.
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15. - You guys!
- Hang on a second, Dee. We're getting into something.
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16. Anything could be down there.
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17. - Big stuff.
- Rings, coins, nudity. That's part of the fun.
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18. The two of you are walking around in the
sewers naked looking for rings and coins?
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19. You feel it with your feet.
It's almost like clamming.
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20. - Okay, but, you guys...
- Dee, knock it off.
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21. I wanna know why these two
are rooting around in the sewer...
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22. My water just broke!
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23. - Drain could... What?
- I'm having a baby.
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24. Out of my way. I've broken my water.
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25. There's a baby inside of me
running out of water. Look out!
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26. Dennis, that was amazing.
I've never seen anybody drive that fast.
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27. - You hit 120! 120!
- I almost stewed my drawers.
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28. She was screaming in my ear.
Probably screwed my transmission up.
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29. - Nice and easy. Here we go.
- Oh, yes. This is my ride.
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30. - They've done this before.
- Thank you. All done with you. You can go.
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31. Where's the guy?
Should we call the guy? The guy who...
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32. Oh, no. That guy. There's no guy.
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33. - There's no guy?
- There's no guy. It's complicated.
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34. There's gotta be a guy.
We'll go get the guy. We'll get the dad.
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35. Why don't you guys do what you do best
and don't care, okay?
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36. I got it from here.
We can take it from here. Right, Michael?
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37. - Yeah.
- Michael and I got it. Thanks, guys.
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38. All right. Kind of rude...
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39. but I guess if we're off the hook,
let's head back to the bar.
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40. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I could get blitzed.
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41. No. Wait. Stop, guys. This is not right.
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42. Something is not right here.
This is very suspicious.
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43. - What?
- There's no guy in the picture?
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44. - So what?
- There's no dad in the picture.
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45. The brunt of the responsibility
of this kid is gonna fall on us.
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46. We're gonna have to do everything.
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47. - Ooh.
- You're right.
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48. Dee is like the most irresponsible person
on the planet.
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49. Look what she was doing with the mail,
for Christ sakes.
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50. Oh, my God!
We're gonna be in charge of the kid?
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51. This kid cannot become our responsibility.
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52. Look what this kid has ruined already.
He's ruined my transmission.
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53. - Yeah.
- He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.
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54. - I still wanna get to the bottom of that one.
- Right.
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55. - We will.
- God knows what he's gonna ruin in the future.
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56. He's going to ruin everything.
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57. - We gotta find the dad! We gotta find that dad.
- You're right.
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58. - Let's find the dad.
- It's the dad's responsibility.
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59. - Let's find the dad.
- Yeah. Okay.
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60. I wonder if the dad even knows.
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61. I'll bet she's embarrassed...
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62. too embarrassed to tell us
because she's bedded some real stinkers.
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63. - She might not even know herself.
- There's always overlap.
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64. Any multiple number of sperms
could have gone up there and eaten the egg.
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65. - There could be so many dads.
- No, sperm doesn't eat the egg.
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66. It doesn't eat the egg
and grow strong and become a baby?
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67. Either way, she's pregnant and it's a guy,
so let's get him.
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68. Why don't we just round up
the usual suspects...
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69. and then we'll figure
out how many of them...
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70. - Somebody's gotta stay here with her.
- You think so?
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71. - You're right. Yeah.
- You're right. Yeah.
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72. And it looks like it's gonna be you.
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73. - Why? What happened?
- Well, mostly because we're all on this side.
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74. - You're over there.
- Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me?
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75. You didn't make it to this side on time.
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76. - Also, now we're backing out and you're stuck there.
- I can back out.
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77. - We'll find the dad.
- You better find that dad. This is not fair.
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78. Keep your eye on her.
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79. What are you doing?
What are you doing? Get down!
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80. I'm trying to make the TV go.
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81. You are standing on top of a rolling chair.
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82. You're gonna go flying through that window,
for God sakes. Get down.
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83. - I'm serious. You get down, Dee.
- All right, all right.
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84. - Oh, my... What are you thinking?
- I'm trying to watch my stories.
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85. I have a very specific birth plan...
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86. and mostly it involves me
watching my stories to relax...
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87. but I can't get this goddamn TV
to do anything.
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88. What are you...
Are you... Knock it off.
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89. - I'm mad at the...
- Stop straining yourself.
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90. Go lie down. Lie down now.
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91. This is exactly
what I was worried about, Dee.
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92. I am going to have to do everything...
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93. because you're an irresponsible person...
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94. who stands atop rolling chairs
and chooses to go flying through windows.
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95. Have the baby first.
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96. Have the stupid baby. Then go flying
through all the windows you like.
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97. Oh, my... Just lie there.
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98. Wait for the doctor.
I will get your stories.
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99. God, this baby is becoming
such an irritating thing to me.
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100. - Yeah.
- God, what an irritating thing babies are.
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101. Oh, my goodness.
I'm having to do everything.
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102. I'll figure you out, you son of a bitch.
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103. Where is everybody?
I thought this was supposed to be a party.
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104. They'll be here. You're early.
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105. Do you have anything to drink?
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106. The salt on the chips dries out my mouth.
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107. I'll poke around the fridge and see
if there's anything. Where's the beer?
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108. - I forgot the beer. I'm sorry.
- You didn't bring the beer?
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109. How are we supposed
to know this is a party if there's no beer?
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110. - I got wrapped up in the invitations.
- A party with no beer.
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111. - We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.
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112. Oh! Hey!
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113. Party! Party! All right! Hey!
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114. - Hey, Cricket.
- Ooh. Where's the booze at? What's up, fellas?
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115. - Hey.
- Who invited Cricket?
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116. I did, because I figured it's a wild card.
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117. That's a stone you can leave unturned.
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118. We don't have time for that bullshit.
Let's just pick one and go.
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119. Hey, Bill? Could we talk to you for a sec?
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120. - Maybe, uh, in this...
- Oh, yeah? Yeah. Let's do this.
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121. A little guy time. Guy time.
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122. All right, let's turn it up. Whoo!
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123. - Thanks for coming to the party, Bill.
- Thanks for having me, guys.
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124. It's good to get away from the wife and
kids for a little bit... let the hair down.
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125. So you're still with your wife
after all that shit with Dee?
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126. Yeah, well, I realized I was a sex addict.
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127. I went to therapy. She forgave me for it.
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128. Oh, you're a sex addict, huh?
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129. That's crazy to be one of those.
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130. - You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you?
- For what?
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131. - Just keeping a log of the party. We like to do that.
- Oh.
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132. A funny conversation pops up,
you wanna remember it.
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133. No problem. Speaking of parties, you
guys wanna do a little...
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134. - Is that coke?
- Yeah. I picked up a couple grams on the way over.
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135. - Yeah, maybe a little bit later, we can all partake.
- Hey!
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136. But for now we're just a bunch of guys
hanging out in a room.
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137. - Right on.
- You know, dudes. Let's talk about dude stuff.
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138. I like dude stuff. Like what?
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139. Oh, I don't know.
What do guys talk about? Condoms.
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140. - Right.
- I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick.
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141. - I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate
'em, hate 'em, hate 'em. - Yeah.
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142. The three of us just don't use 'em.
How about you?
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143. Me neither. I can't stand them.
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144. Well, that's interesting.
A sex addict who doesn't like condoms.
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145. That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.
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146. You had a vasectomy?
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147. Yep.
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148. You just winked when you said that.
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149. Did you have a vasectomy or not?
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150. - No.
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151. But that's what I would tell the ladies
so I didn't have to wear a condom.
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152. Oh!
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153. - Okay. That is incredibly shady.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
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154. What a beautiful underhanded thing.
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155. - Yeah.
- It's disgusting.
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156. - You guys wanna do a bump or what?
- I'll have a bump.
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157. I don't understand why there's not
a single room in this hospital...
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158. - I don't know where...
- that has a working television.
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159. I want that room now.
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160. I don't know where you think
I'm gonna get it from. I don't have any.
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161. If you do not get my sister her stories
and a new room as soon as possible...
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162. then I will come down on this hospital
like the hammer of Thor.
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163. The thunder of my vengeance
will echo through these corridors...
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164. like the gust of a thousand winds!
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165. You know what? I don't have time for this.
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166. I ain't going to jail over you.
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167. I will beat your ass and
think nothing of it.
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168. I'm not doing this with you today.
I'm not! I'm not!
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169. What's the word on my stories?
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170. - Why are you not in bed?
- I slipped out for a quick sandwich and a soda.
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171. - You left the hospital?
- Yeah. I was kind of hungry. Mostly I was just getting bored.
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172. Dee, get in your room. You're drive... I...
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173. It's so boring.
There's nothing going on in there.
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174. You get in your room. Get in there.
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175. - Don't push me though, because I'm pregnant and I don't...
- Get in the bed.
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176. - Wait a sec. What's this?
- I don't know.
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177. Why is there a strange man in my room?
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178. They probably slid this man in here thinking
that you were never gonna use the room.
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179. I don't want there to be a strange man
laying in my room who looks dead.
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180. - Is he dead, Dennis?
- I'm sure he's just sleeping. Get in bed.
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181. - I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up.
- Do not scream in the man's face.
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182. I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will
determine whether he's alive or not.
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183. Excuse me, sir. Are you...
You're very cold. He's very cold.
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184. - Okay. Hey, you! Wake up right now if you're not dead!
- All right, damn it, Dee. Stop.
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185. Oh, God. I think he's dead.
I think he's dead, Dennis. He's definitely dead.
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186. Why would they put a dead old man with paper
skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?
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187. Because you weren't using the room, Dee,
and the hospital's very full.
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188. This was not part of my birth plan.
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189. This was not part of my birth plan, sir.
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190. Get the nurse and get him out of here.
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191. Getting the nurse is not gonna do any good.
That woman is stubborn as shit.
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192. - Well, do something 'cause this is upsetting me.
- All right! All right!
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193. - It's upsetting the baby.
- I hate all the responsibility that I have...
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194. that this baby is causing me.
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195. I will get this man out of your room.
I will think of something awesome.
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196. So things got pretty hot and heavy
with you and Dee back in the day, correct?
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197. - That was over a year ago?
- Yeah. She wasn't very nice to me.
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198. What are we looking at?
No contact with Dee after you dated.
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199. - What's the deal here, bud?
- Well, no, she contacted me for a while...
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200. usually when she was drunk.
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201. - Drunken late-night booty calls?
- Mm-hmm.
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202. No. She usually just yells at me...
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203. calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.
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204. I know she's just drunk, so it's okay.
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205. - Not okay. Not okay at all.
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206. - You gotta stand up for yourself, man.
- So you haven't slept with her?
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207. Sometimes she tricks me.
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208. She tricks you? She tricks you how?
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209. To give her sex.
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210. She's a very manipulative person.
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211. I'm... I'm sorry.
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212. Are you guys mad at me?
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213. - No, man, we're not mad...
- No.
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214. - I mean... You know.
- Okay.
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215. - Get a grip, but...
- Okay.
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216. - There's a room full of dudes out
there, so you might wanna... - Yeah.
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217. stop crying before you come
back out to the party.
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218. Pull it together, because you're a soldier
and you should be tougher.
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219. - Let's go.
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220. - Thanks, guys.
- This is the guy that's defending our country?
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221. - Well, he's definitely a candidate.
- Oh, boys.
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222. - The keg has arrived.
- Hey, Frank.
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223. This power outlet is gonna explode,
and you're gonna have to deal with that.
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224. - Duncan, go with it, baby.
- Yeah, let's go for it.
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225. Yo, Frank, we gonna set it off, bitch.
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226. What are your bridge friends doing here?
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227. You gotta give it the illusion of a party.
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228. It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.
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229. - Are you high on blow?
- Whatever Duncan gave me.
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230. - You don't even know what you're high on?
- No. Hey!
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231. Yo, Charlie Chuckles,
what's crackin', sunshine? Yeah.
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232. - Hey. L'il Kev.
- Hey, L'il Kev.
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233. - And your beer.
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234. Ah. I'll talk to you guys later.
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235. Okay. Okay.
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236. What is L'il Kev doing here?
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237. You gotta throw out a big net...
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238. to catch the fish that she was banging.
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239. - Oh. Oh!
- Oh!
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240. - Party! -
- It's a party, yo.
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241. Is that the busboy
from the Korean restaurant?
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242. Yeah, yeah. She banged him.
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243. Are you sure we're not taking this
Weekend at Bernie's thing too far?
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244. - I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous.
- The sunglasses lighten the mood.
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245. Make the whole thing feel
like a fun, fun romp.
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246. - Hi.
- Hi, ladies. Hi. Yeah.
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247. - Good afternoon.
- Without the sunglasses...
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248. Weekend at Bernie's
would have been very dark.
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249. - Yeah. Strange movie.
- Strange tale.
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250. Hey there, Mr. Craig.
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251. - Okay.
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252. - The waving thing's awesome, that's true.
- It's pretty sweet, right?
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253. What's our plan here?
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254. Are we just gonna throw him in the trash
or find a laundry chute...
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255. - fire him down that?
- What? No.
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256. I'm gonna drop him in one of these rooms
if I can find an empty one.
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257. But that way, somebody could find him
and put him back in my room.
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258. That's a good point. Maybe we can stuff him
in a drawer or jam him in a closet.
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259. - That'll buy us some time, right?
- Mm-mmm. Makes me feel like I have to touch him.
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260. I don't wanna touch him at all.
Why don't we just put him in the trash?
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261. Please don't put me in the trash.
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262. - Oh!
- Oh, are you alive?
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263. - Oh, my goodness.
- Whoa.
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264. What is going on here?
What are you doing with Mr. Craig?
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265. They're trying to put me in the trash.
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266. - Don't... No.
- You know what?
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267. I refuse to share a room with an old man
who likes to pretend to be dead.
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268. - He's a liar.
- You are not allowed to move the patients.
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269. - Ooh!
- What? What?
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270. - Oh, Dennis. Oh, my God.
- What?
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271. - I think I'm having this baby.
- Doctor!
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272. Oh! It doesn't feel good.
This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.
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273. - Oh, I'm sure.
- Oh, man! Oh!
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274. - Help my sister.
- Wait, wait, wait. Don't leave me.
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275. - I don't like it.
- No, I'm coming.
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276. - We got you from here. We got you.
- I'm coming with you.
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277. You ain't going nowhere.
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278. Get your narrow ass back in that waiting
room before I knock you in there.
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279. You have done enough today.
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280. Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing
up folk and talking about Thor.
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281. I bet I earned this. I got you.
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282. Wow. This whole thing's
really setting in now.
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283. Yeah, it's really sinking in, man.
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284. We're gonna have a baby.
This is really cool.
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285. Please don't throw me in the trash.
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286. No one's putting you in the trash.
Stop saying that. Will you stop?
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287. I slept in them shits, man.
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288. Eventually,
I blew the crotch out of them things.
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289. But you can't wear 'em every day
and expect for 'em to hold up.
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290. That was some nice-ass denim too.
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291. I miss them shorts.
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292. But you gotta take 'em off
every now and then.
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293. You gotta take 'em off, son.
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294. Why are you having sex with her?
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295. Well, she gets drunk and calls me
a cardio-jerk or a workout turkey.
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296. And after a while, I just kind of cave in.
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297. Wow. You just...
I gotta try that with someone.
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298. - Thanks, Rex.
- Thank you.
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299. - Enjoy the party.
- Thanks, Rex.
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300. She's just berating these guys
into having sex with her.
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301. Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.
She's getting way more action than us.
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302. She's stuck on her curse words.
"Jerk" and "turkey" are all that she's using.
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303. Well, clearly they're working for her,
'cause Rex is a quality lay.
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304. Yeah, Re...
Well, he's not fit to be a father though.
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305. A father? None of these guys
are fit to be fathers. They're animals.
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306. Even if we do figure out who it is...
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307. how are we gonna trust this baby
with one of these monkeys?
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308. They're animals. They got no self-control.
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309. It takes discipline to
raise a kid, you know?
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310. - You gotta set rules. You gotta set ground rules.
- Set some boundaries.
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311. Like don't have 'em doing cocaine.
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312. - Get them off the Internet.
- The Internet's a very, very dangerous place.
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313. Kids spend all their time on the Internet.
"Hi. Who are you?
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314. There's your penis and there's your butt."
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315. - You gotta learn from some books.
- You don't want 'em reading too many books.
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316. - You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
- You don't want 'em to be a nerd.
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317. - I'm not raising a nerd, bro.
- If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in.
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318. - Nerds get nowhere in life.
- Oh, my God. Is he a nerd?
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319. I could bash some nerds right now.
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320. Right after this we should probably bash nerds.
I gotta get it out of my system.
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321. - Bash some nerds.
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322. - Absolutely.
- Get bowed up.
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323. - You gotta teach him how to beat nerds up.
- He's gotta be beating nerds up.
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324. These are good ideas for raising a kid.
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325. We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid.
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326. We are men who can be great dads.
We have great opinions.
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327. And that's all that parenting is...
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328. pretending you know
what you're talking about...
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329. and then jamming it down a kid's throat.
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330. Oh, my God.
That's what we're gonna do.
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331. When I see that baby, dude,
we're gonna run towards it.
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332. - I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna pick him up.
- And jam shit down his throat!
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333. - Dude.
- Dude, we're gonna be the dad.
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334. - We're so much better dads than these guys.
- Yeah, look at this.
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335. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
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336. - Oh!
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337. I can't wait to tell him.
This is so exciting. There he is.
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338. Hey, Dennis, Dennis.
We have news. We have wonderful news.
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339. Charlie and I have decided that we
are going to be the father of this child.
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340. Dude, we did a complete 180.
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341. You guys, I did a 180 too. I totally did.
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342. I was all pissy this morning
about having to be at the hospital.
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343. Then I realized I've been firing on all
cylinders because of this baby thing.
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344. Dude, I did this Weekend at
Bernie's operation earlier...
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345. that would have blown you guys' minds...
it was very effective.
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346. Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on
this lady because she was pissing me off.
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347. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it.
And I never reference the Nordic gods.
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348. - I don't understand what your point is.
- What are you talking about?
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349. I'm saying I wanna be the dad too.
I'm totally into it.
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350. - Okay.
- That steps on our thing a little bit, but...
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351. - 'Cause we were doing the...
- Maybe instead of doing a My Two Dads type thing...
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352. we could fold in another dad and do a
Three Men and a Baby type situation.
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353. - That's what it is. I like that.
- An equally effective movie.
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354. - A great movie.
- Did we miss it? Did we miss it?
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355. No. It was...
What's going on? Who are all these people?
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356. I couldn't decide who the dad was,
so I brought everybody.
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357. You didn't try and decide who the dad was.
You just got high.
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358. Well, the interrogation
did turn into a coke party.
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359. But they all promised to have blood tests.
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360. If this kid is mine,
I'm gonna blow my brains out.
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361. Oh, he got zooted, man.
He took an eight-ball to the dome.
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362. No, no, Frank. Dude, get these
guys out of here, all right?
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363. - We're gonna be the father of the baby now.
- We're gonna be the fathers.
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364. - It has been decided, so sayeth Thor.
- Thor said it.
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365. - The who?
- Thor.
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366. - Who Thor?
- Is that your Greek god reference?
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367. - He's a Nordic god.
- Nordic god.
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368. I said something else earlier
that sounded a lot cooler than that.
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369. That one didn't really work.
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370. Guys, here she comes. She's coming.
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371. How do we make it a big moment?
I wanna make it a big moment.
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372. With music.
Duncan, play something special.
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373. - Frank, I got the perfect thing.
- Okay, great.
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374. - Why do they have the...
- I don't know.
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375. Carmen? What are you doing here?
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376. - I'm here to get my baby.
- What?
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377. - Oh, yeah. The tranny's the dad.
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378. Yeah!
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379. - You had sex with the tranny?
- No. I was their surrogate.
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380. We used her sperm and a donor egg...
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381. and then they just kind of...
right up there and...
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382. We had a difficult time finding a
surrogate, but Dee was a miracle to us.
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383. I can't have kids of my own,
and Carmen always wanted a baby.
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384. Yeah, yeah. Great, great. Miracle for you.
How wonderful. Dee, you tricked us?
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385. - How did I trick you?
- We were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad.
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386. We were all keyed up for nothing.
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387. If we knew you were doing
this stupid surrogate thing again...
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388. we would have just completely ignored
your pregnancy.
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389. You did ignore my pregnancy.
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390. This has been a huge disappointment for us.
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391. - Why?
- We were gonna be great dads.
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392. We were gonna impose our will on the kid.
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393. We had a Three Men and a
Baby thing going on.
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394. - Okay, I'm sorry.
- I have to admit...
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395. this whole thing might be for the best.
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396. Those two are gonna make great parents,
much better parents than any of us would.
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397. - Don't you think?
- Yeah. I guess.
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398. - A baby would've screwed up our chemistry.
- It might've. Yeah.
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399. We got a good thing going.
Why blow it with a baby?
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400. That being said, don't get
knocked up anymore, Dee. It's getting old.
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401. Oh, yeah. I didn't enjoy any of it.
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402. So, what I'm confused on is...
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403. the mother is the father
and the father is black...
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404. - and the baby's not black, so...
- It's all been explained.
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405. - Yeah.
- I'll talk you through it later.
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406. Then what is your deal?
Do we pop you back in there?
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407. Are you done having babies?
What's going on?
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408. Can you take me to go get a beer?
I need a beer.
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409. I could go for a beer.
You guys wanna go back to the bar?
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410. - Yeah!
- Hey, you guys.
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411. Let's bring the party back to the bar.
Bring the music. Let's go.
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412. - What the hell's happening back there?
- A few buddies came along.
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413. - Don't worry about it, Dee.
- Oh! Let's party in the sewer.
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414. - Oh, yeah, Charlie.
- I'm not going into a sewer.
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415. What is your obsession
with the sewer these days?
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416. - You find great stuff down there.
- Like what?
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417. - Like sewage.
- Ha-ha! Good one, Dee.
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418. She's back, baby. She's back.
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419. Supposing it's storming
and a guy loses his ring...
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420. - Is this the ring story again?
- and it goes into the gutter?
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421. You gotta come up with something else, Frank.
You can't keep using the same...
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422. Like, give me some crack.
You know what I'm sayin', dawg?
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423. We'll get more.
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424. English - US - SDH
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