It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5x7

Directed by Randall Einhorn

Don Frye as Wrestling Opponent • Hulk Hogan as Himself • Mishone Feigin as Boxing Fan • Roddy Piper as Da' Maniac • Artemis Pebdani as Artemis • David Hornsby as Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara • Hulk Hogan as Hulk Hogan (Archive Footage)

The gang puts together a wrestling show for returning troops. Meanwhile, Dee finally meets the soldier that she has been communicating with over the internet.

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1. Get him, Hulk! Come on, Hulk!

2. Ohh! Hulk's the man.

3. I have a question though. What's going on With Hulk Hogan's hair?

4. It's blond, and yet it's silken like that of a Chinese man.

5. Ah. Yes. That is Hulk Hogan's signature look-

6. blond Chinese hair and the skin of a hot dog.

7. It's awesome. The whole thing's fake, but it's really awesome.

8. Fake? What the hell are you talking about? It's not fake.

9. Those guys got bashed and bloodied.

10. I've seen guys get pounded in the ring. it's still fake though.

11. Charlie, Charlie. I was there once.

12. I saw a guy pick up a trash can, smash it into a guy's head.

13. - Blood went everywhere. - Okay, what is going on here?

14. Oh, yeah. Right here he's going into a state of Hulkamania.

15. When he's like this, nothing can hurt him. Okay?

16. It's like a seizure of strength. Yeah. Yeah.

17. What do we got here? “Hey, sexy, I can't get you out of my mind.”

18. Who's that addressed to? Who's Soldier of Fortune?

19. He's just this guy I've been chatting online with, whatever.

20. Oh, so that would make you Desert Rose? Yes, it would.

21. - Wow. What a couple of losers.

22. Oh! Oh, really? Well, this loser that you're referring to...

23. happens to be an American soldier in Iraq.

24. Back it up. Don't joke about that. I'm not' joking.

25. - Are you serious? - I'm dead serious.

26. And his platoon's coming home this weekend, and we're gonna hang out together,

27. so suck on that.

28. I feel terrible. You should.

29. I feel terrible too, 'cause he's gonna come back from Iraq,

30. and he's gonna find out that he's been chattin' with-

31. No. That's no good.

32. There's a high suicide rate for these guys.

33. He's gonna be crushed. This is emblematic of a bigger problem, guys.

34. I don't think people are proud to be Americans anymore.

35. Not like we were in the '80s.

36. In the '80s, we were so patriotic.

37. When Hogan was doing his thing...

38. and we were killing Iranians or whatever, we were proud.

39. There's no fanfare. There's no parades. Oh, yeah.

40. - Girls are tricking troops on the Internet. - Nobody's tricking anybody.

41. We gotta do something about this,

42. 'cause people just aren't showing their appreciation for these guys.

43. We gotta show 'em the love. We gotta do something.

44. Let's step it up.

45. Let's be the guys that do something for the troops. Let's put on a show or something.

46. - All right'. - Something with a little pizzazz.

47. - Like a thank you for all your service. - Yes!

48. Something that celebrates the troops, celebrates America, maybe celebrates us.

49. I'm into that. I know you are, dude.

50. And what's the best way to celebrate America, boys?

51. Hulk Hogan ls a man possessed of a love of his country.

52. Yeah!

53. Yeah!

54. Yeah, Maniac!

55. - Get up, you son of a bitch! - Yeah, Maniac!

56. Thanks, bud. There you go.

57. So I booked this venue for Friday night.

58. You got this place? Yeah.

59. I told them it was for the troops. They gave us a discount.

60. Ho-ho! That is what I'm talking about, dude.

61. People wanna support the troops. They don't have a venue to do it.

62. Yeah, how are we gonna do that though?

63. None of us knows how to wrestle. Wrong!

64. Charlie and I do. We used to do backyard wrestling all the time, dude.

65. We were an awesome tag team. That's right. We were the Pigeon Boys.

66. Pigeon Boys!

67. Pigeon Boys? Doesn't sound that cool now as an adult.

68. You're right. We gotta update it.

69. Let's be eagles, dude. That's like patriotic and fires on all cylinders.

70. I feel like pigeons are survivors though.

71. I'm gonna side with Dennis on this one, bro. Yeah.

72. What do you say we get this guy into the mix?

73. — He's probably got some experience.

74. - He could show us the ropes.

75. Oh, um, Mr. Maniac! Mr. Maniac!

76. - Mr. Maniac, excuse me. - Somethin' I can do for you fellas?

77. Yeah. Absolutely. That was a great show in there, man.

78. That was amazing! Great show!

79. That was so awesome! You drank your own blood.

80. - You were choking the guy- - Just trying to put on a good show.

81. Oh, you did. No, no, no, no. Let me do you a favor.

82. You're good kids, you know? Hang on. Hang on.

83. What are you getting, an autograph? No, we're good, man.

84. That's all right. We don't need an autograph.

85. We're actually here for a different- God mess you.

86. - You have a good time. You know, whale away. - This is a parking ticket.

87. You bet. You have fun with it, okay?

88. Actually, sir, um-

89. I don't know if this is too forward to ask you this,

90. but we're putting on a wrestling match...

91. for the troops coming home from overseas,

92. and we were thinking maybe we can get you to wrestle in it.

93. How much?

94. Ooh. We haven't discussed that. How much?

95. - How much do you usually charge? - Thirty bucks weekdays,

96. 50 bucks weekends.

97. Is that it? Reasonable.

98. That we can do. Reasonable.

99. Yeah. Now. Absolutely.

100. Now. All right. Give him some money. Give that to him now.

101. I suppose- All right. Oh, boy. That's okay.

102. Whoa! Yo! Deandra! Yo! Deandra!

103. Yes, Frank. Yes, yes. I can hear you. What are you doing here?

104. I'm gonna use the army guy to get the word out about the wrestling match.

105. Why are you dressed like that?

106. Well, my chat name was Desert Rose.

107. So I dressed like a rose. I'm gonna give him a rose.

108. And I'm gonna play “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal.

109. I got a whole thing I'm doing here. Can you please get out?

110. Oh. The boys and I got him a little welcome-home gift.

111. Jean shorts? You bought him a pair of jean shorts?

112. Yeah. Goddamn it, Frank.

113. You guys are gonna have plenty of time to ruin this for me at some point in the future.

114. Can you please let me get it started first?

115. Hey! Desert Rose!

116. It's me, Ben.

117. It's so nice to finally meet you in person, Desert Rose.

118. Yeah. Oh, no!

119. Because“. I'm not Desert Rose.

120. I, uh- I'm a friend.

121. I'm a friend of hers. Great girl.

122. Uh, she just wanted me to come here...

123. so that I could tell you...

124. that she wasn't gonna be able to show up here today.

125. Oh, well, with the dress and the rose, I thought that you-

126. You thought- Yeah. Yeah. Well, of course you thought that.

127. You thought it because of this and the- it's fine.

128. Don't blame yourself.

129. You're not- You're not dumb. You just-

130. Um, so- All right, well-

131. I, uh, wanna invite you to a wrestling match.

132. Oh. And, uh, the guys-

133. we all chipped in to get you these, uh-

134. Uh, this is a coming-home present. Uh-

135. There you go.

136. And thank you for your service.

137. No! I don't give a rat's ass about your collection agency,

138. and as for the $15 co-payment, eat shit and die!

139. Ah, shit!

140. Sorry. I'm gonna go get greased up,

141. and then, uh, I'll come back and rock on.

142. Fifteen dollars? He's upset about $15?

143. Yeah. Smashing our phone.

144. Not a lot of money. Let's move past' it' for now.

145. Let's focus on our stuff. Let's focus on our-

146. The most important part of our routine is the entrance.

147. Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

148. Whoa!

149. Ahhhh./ Frank, what the hell are you doing?

150. Ahhh! it's my character. I'm the Trash Man.

151. I come out. I throw trash all over the ring.

152. And then I start eating garbage.

153. And then I pick up the trash can...

154. and I bash the guy on the head.

155. Oh, that's gonna be a disaster. No, no.

156. Nobody's gonna get hurt. I'm telling you-

157. Like you said, it's all fake.

158. But it has nothing to do with the troops, Frank.

159. A 60-year-old man eating trash? Who wants to see that?

160. But that's what people want.

161. Hey, I got something for you. I got a character for you.

162. You can be the ref.

163. I'm not gonna be the ref. I'm a villain. Don't you see?

164. Look, I got garbage, and I-

165. - Oh, Frank! - That's nasty, dude.

166. Are you choking?

167. - Oh, my God. - Throw it up in the bathroom!

168. - Get out of here! - Go take a break. Go take a break.

169. The troops are gonna be very happy to see that.

170. All right, let's get- Look at this mess.

171. Let's get back to it. Charlie-

172. So we're talking about the entrances, okay?

173. We got a good idea. We got! a good idea.

174. They're gonna announce our name. Birds of War.

175. I love that new name. I love it. Yeah.

176. And maybe we'll do an eagle screech. That'll be great.

177. And then we'll come out of the tunnel.

178. We'll start a stomp, clap. Stomp, clap.

179. Stomp, stomp, clap. Stomp, clap.

180. And we're gonna write this great song. it's gonna be about had badass we are.

181. But tell him about the- Oh, yeah. About how we soar through the air,

182. how we live in a nest, how we like to protect our eggs from predators.

183. And our young. We regurgitate, dude.

184. Can I stop you guys for one second? Mm-hmm.

185. What you just described,

186. that seems like we're singing about the lifestyle of an eagle.

187. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

188. I was under the impression that we were presenting ourselves as birdmen,

189. which, to me, is infinitely cooler...

190. than just sort of being a bird. No, no, no, no, no.

191. It's good. We can meet in the middle though.

192. We'll meet you somewhere in the middle. That's all I ask.

193. I want people to be able to see that we're not just birds.

194. Yeah.

195. Hey-he)'-

196. Hi. Thank you for stepping in as Desert Rose.

197. Ah, no problem. I've dated a lot of disabled men in my past.

198. So- I enjoy the power. Why aren't you wearing red?

199. I was very specific about that. I don't do red.

200. Well, you look like a grape. Fine. Then I'll be Desert Grape.

201. He wasn't talking to Desert Grape. He was talking to Desert Rose.

202. That's very specific, and- You know what? All right.

203. This is what we'll do. I'll just put this... here.

204. Oh. You're sweaty. Oh. Okay. it's humid outside.

205. So, uh, which one is he? Right behind you, in the yellow.

206. Oh, Mama like. Cute, right?

207. Did he send you any dick pics? 'Cause it could be a mess down there.

208. For the love of God, please don't ask him about his dick.

209. Okay. Have it your way. I'll figure it out soon enough.

210. And away we go.

211. She looks ridiculous.

212. Desert Rose? Yeah.

213. - Hi. - What? What the hell?

214. It feels so good to finally hold you.

215. Uh- Uh, you're- you're biting my lip.

216. Hi. Oh! What a coincidence.

217. Hey, oh- Oh. You're that girl from the bus stop. Yes, I am.

218. You guys are friends, right?

219. Mm-hmm. Not really.

220. Well, tell your friend thanks for the shorts.

221. They fit great. Yeah.

222. Will do. So, what's-

223. What's the deal with you standing?

224. I thought there was a wheelchair and you were in it.

225. Oh, no. No. I twisted my knee getting off a plane in Germany.

226. I was just trying to stay off of it.

227. It's good now. Oh!

228. Yes, it is. Can I talk to you for a second?

229. I'll be back. What? What? What? I changed my mind.

230. So move out of the way so I can swoop in.

231. Uh-uh. No changeys. What? Artemis, I'm warning you.

232. If you don't get out of the way, I'm gonna bring out the big guns.

233. Oh, hit me with your best shot, you stupid bitch.

234. Ah.

235. I was looking around. I was thinking.

236. L- I brought some- Ohh!

237. Oh. Oh.

238. You just hit- I'm sorry about that.

239. Just props that I was bringing.

240. That's not a prop though. That's sharp razor wire.

241. Mr., uh, Maniac, we were thinking...

242. maybe we could go a little bit more traditional with it.

243. Just figure-four leg-locks, pile drivers, body slams. Off the top rope, suplex-

244. No, no, no. People, that old-school bullshit, that don't play no more.

245. Really? Yeah. It's gotta be gruesome, you know?

246. Those people, they like blood, you know?

247. I guess. Well, guys like you-

248. You know what? I love you guys.

249. You know, you remind me of m y kids.

250. You got kids, Maniac?

251. Nah. Not anymore.

252. - What does that mean?

253. All right. We got a prob/em.

254. What is he talking about with his kids?

255. - Did he kill his kids? Is that what happened? - He just drifted away.

256. And look at this. I feel like he's living out of his car.

257. - He's got blankets. What is that, a pile of laundry? - Look at this, dude.

258. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.

259. Who has- What? Is he foraging for his food?

260. I don't know. Why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts?

261. We are dealing with a legitimate maniac now. That is clear to me.

262. His mania is not confined to the ring. Ahh!

263. He kept calling you the “N” word earlier. Yeah.

264. I wasn't gonna bring that up. I didn't wanna freak him out. Me?

265. Yes. He was calling me the “N” word?

266. Yes. Every time you turned your back.

267. He was like, “You stupid 'N.' Go get me grease,

268. “N” this, “N” that. Why?

269. I don't know. He has a problem with black people.

270. Or does he have a problem with me? Both.

271. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, my God.

272. Let's get rid of him. That's it. How do you get rid of a guy like that?

273. I don't wanna be anywhere in the ring with that guy.

274. What if we're just hype men? We don't even go in the ring.

275. Yes. We let him do the wrestling. We do not wrestle.

276. No. We gotta find someone for him to wrestle though.

277. Right. Right.

278. Someone with, you know, nothing to lose, right? Yeah.

279. Cricket! [ Charlie] What's up, Cricket?

280. - [All ] Cricket! - No!

281. Cricket, cricket, cricket, crickety.

282. What do you want from me? We want you to wrestle...

283. at a wrestling match that we're gonna throw.

284. No. How about that?

285. I'm not gonna participate in your little games and schemes. Cricket.

286. It's for the troops. Yeah.

287. I don't give a shit about the troops.

288. Come on, man. Oh! We're gonna pay you, bro.

289. We're gonna pay you. There's pay involved.

290. You give a shit about that, Cricket?

291. You pawn"? Yeah, man.

292. Oh, I see. So, am I gonna get my ass kicked?

293. Ah! it's wrestling. it's all fake.

294. It's relatively fake. What happens in the ring is really up to you.

295. I don't feel we're reading as eagles.

296. No, bro. We look like assholes.

297. They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

298. Whoo! Whoa!

299. What in God's name is this about? All right.

300. Don't start. We're birdmen. We're Birds of War.

301. Birdmen. What do you want?

302. Yeah. Okay. I wanna sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” before the match.

303. Yeah. Good. Sing. We don't care. Do whatever you want.

304. Just get away. We're obviously in the middle of something.

305. Okay? Yeah.

306. Get out of here.

307. Wait a second, Charlie. Do that again. That?

308. That looked pretty cool. Maybe we can go with the chicken thing.

309. The Chicken Boys. We're not changing the song.

310. We got a big problem with the Maniac. Big problem with the Maniac.

311. What did he do? Did he kill somebody?

312. Unpaid parking tickets. Unpaid parking tickets?

313. - Maniac! - Oh, my boys. My boys.

314. Ohh! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

315. You know what? Da' Maniac loves you.

316. Even with your fea- Wait, wait! Even with your feathers!

317. Aw! I love you./

318. I love you too, man. I love you t-

319. Poor guy. I don't really love him. I don't love him at all.

320. I'm terrified of him. Look, you guys need a wrestler now.

321. We should take the Trash Man out of retirement. No, dude!

322. That is not going to happen. But we do need a wrestler.

323. I know. Guys, I'm thinking maybe we should do it.

324. Yeah. Right? We got the costumes. We got the passion.

325. We are just battling Cricket. it's just Cricket.

326. Pigeon Boys, let's do this!

327. No, we're not the Pigeon Boys. Birds of War.

328. Chicken Boys! No.

329. Are we sticking with the eagles? Yes. We're Birds of War.

330. Let's go with birdmen. We don't even look like eagles.

331. People don't know what kind of bird we would be.

332. And' now the moment you've all been Waiting for.

333. Introducing America 's...

334. most hated terrorist-

335. the Talibum!

336. Whoo! [ High-pitched Voice ] A la la la la la la!

337. Boo to you.

338. - America sucks!

339. Terrorists rule! A la la la la!

340. Ladies and gentlemen,

341. get ready to take flight...

342. with the Birds of War!

343. Whoo! What's up, America?

344. Hey, troops! Hey, guys!

345. Drop a beat for us. You ready?

346. Stomp, clap! Stomp, stomp, clap!

347. Stomp, clap! Stomp, stomp, clap! Come on, America!

348. Come on, y'all!

349. They're not responding to the pageantry at all.

350. The whole second verse is completely ridiculous.

351. The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are.

352. We're miked. We're miked. We're not-

353. Our microphones are on. Are they hearing this?

354. - Do the routine. - Go.

355. Duck-and-roll routine! Duck-and-roll routine!

356. Whoo!

357. No, no. Cut it. Cut it. Not that one. I'm not doing that one.

358. Put the tape over it. The other song. Okay.

359. a Soldier of Fortune.

360. I'm your real Desert Rose.

361. That strange woman you've been hanging outwith, she's an impostor.

362. - Ohh! - Yeah, bitch!

363. - Ohh! - She is a slut.

364. I think you broke my nose.

365. - Yeah, Talibum! A la la la la la la!

366. - So, what do We do? - I think it's starting.

367. Yeah, all right. Go ahead.

368. Jump in the ring and fight Cricket.

369. - Wooo!

370. I'm gonna get a little bit rough with you.

371. Ahh! Oh, what is that, sand?

372. - Oh, Jesus Christ!

373. - Ohh! Ahh!

374. - Come on, ref. Is that even legal? - I didn't see nothin'.

375. Cricket's gone crazy, man.

376. We can't let the Talibum win. All right, I got him.

377. Cricket, you son of a bitch. You think you're so tough, huh? Ahh!

378. Stop throwing sand! Stop!

379. Come on, bitch. You want some?

380. If I come in there, you're just gonna throw sand in my eyes,

381. so I'm gonna run away.

382. Ohh! A la la! America sucks!

383. Terrorists rule! Yeah!

384. Oh!

385. - He got me. - The Trash Man.

386. He got me with the can. Stop. Stop.

387. Ah, shit. Did I get you, Cricket?

388. Ohh./

389. Must've had an edge.

390. Oh.

391. Something in my eye. Ah! No.

392. Oh, God.

393. I knew this shit wasn't fake.