It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5x7

Directed by Randall Einhorn

Don Frye as Wrestling Opponent • Hulk Hogan as Himself • Mishone Feigin as Boxing Fan • Roddy Piper as Da' Maniac • Artemis Pebdani as Artemis • David Hornsby as Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara

The gang puts together a wrestling show for returning troops. Meanwhile, Dee finally meets the soldier that she has been communicating with over the internet.

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1. - Charlie, Charlie...

2. I was there once, I saw a guy

3. pick up a trash can...

4. Smash it into a guy's head.

5. Blood went everywhere.

6. Okay, what is going on here?

7. Ohhh Yeah! Right here he's

8. going into a state of 'Hulkamania'.

9. Okay, when he's like this,

10. nothing can hurt you.

11. It's like a seizure of strength.

12. Who we got here?

13. Hey sexy!

14. I can't get you out of my mind.

15. - Who's that addressed to? - It's...

16. - Who's Soldier of Fortune?

17. It's just this guy I been chatting online with.

18. - Damn it.

19. So that would make you Desert Rose.

20. - Yes it would.

21. Wow! What a couple of losers!

22. Ohhh!

23. Oh really... Okay well... This loser that you are referring to happens to be an American soldier in Iraq.

24. Back it up. Don't...

25. Don't joke about that. Are you serious?

26. In seriousness, this platoon is coming home his weekend.

27. And we are going to hang out together. So suck on that.

28. - I feel terrible. - Yeah, you should.

29. I feel terrible too because he's going to come back from Iraq and he's going.

30. Gonna find out that he's been chatting with...

31. And then... That's no good... Nooo... I mean...

32. High suicide rates for this guy.

33. He's going to be crushed. Resemble-manic of a bigger problems guys.

34. I don't think people are proud to be Americans anymore.

35. You know, not like we were in the 80's.

36. On the 80's we were so patriotic. Oh man!

37. And when Hogan was doing his thing,

38. and we were killing Iranians,

39. or whatever... I mean we were proud!

40. There's no fanfare.

41. There's no parade.

42. - Girls are tricking troops on the Internet. - Nope!

43. Nobody is tricking anybody!

44. You know? We gotta do something about this.

45. Cus... Cus... People just aren't showing their appreciation for these guys.

46. We gotta show them the love. We gotta do something.

47. Let's step it up!

48. Let's be the guys that do something for the troops.

49. Let's put on a show or something. For reals.

50. Something with a little...

51. A little pa-zass.

52. Like a thank you.

53. - Yeah! - For all your service.

54. Something to celebrate the troops. Celebrate American.

55. Maybe celebrates us. I'm into that.

56. I know you are dude. Huh.

57. What's the best way to celebrate America boys?

58. Wrestling.

59. Season 5 Episode 7 The Gang Wrestles for the Troops

60. Sync, transcript, spellcheck by Ikatic

61. That's how it's...

62. Yeah, man! Hey! Hey!

63. Thanks, bud. Let it go.

64. Hey so I book this venue for Friday night.

65. You got this place? Yeah bro.

66. I told them it was for the troops. They gave us a discount.

67. That is what I'm talking about dude.

68. People want to support the troops.

69. They don't have a venue to do it.

70. How are we going to do that though.

71. None of us know how to wrestle.

72. Charlie and I do.

73. We used to backyard wrestling all the time dude.

74. We were an awesome tag team.

75. That's right. We're the Pigeon Boys!

76. Pigeon Boys!

77. Pigeon Boys?

78. Doesn't sound that cool now as an adult. You're right.

79. - We gotta update it. - O, O, Oh...

80. - Let's be Eagles dude.

81. That's like patriotic, it fires on all cylinders.

82. I don't know. I feel like pigeons are survivors though.

83. I'm going to side with Dennis on this one bro.

84. Hey, what you say we get this guy on the mix.

85. - You know. - He probably got some experience.

86. - He could show us the ropes.

87. Hey Manic! Mr. Manic! Mr. Manic!

88. - Hold up. Hold up. - Mr. Manic. Excuse me.

89. - Something I can do for you fellas?

90. Uhhhhh...

91. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

92. That was a great show.

93. - That was amazing. - Dude, that was so awesome.

94. - Dude, you drank your own blood.

95. - And when you were choking the guy... - Just trying...

96. - To put on a good show. - It was. Yes.

97. You know... No. No here. Let me do you a favor here...

98. You are good kids here. Hang on... Hang on...

99. Oh, you got an autograph now

100. No, we're good man. That's alright. No, we don't need...

101. Don't need an autograph man, we're just crash...

102. God bless you man, you have a good time. You know well.

103. This is uh... Parking ticket.

104. You betcha. You have fun with it. Okay?

105. Uh... Uh.. Actually sir. Um...

106. I don't know if this is too forward to ask you this, but...

107. We're putting on a wrestling match for the troops.

108. - They're coming home from over seas.

109. And we're thinking that maybe we can get you to wrestle in it.

110. How much? Ohhh.. Ah...

111. We haven't discuss that. Ah, how much do you usually charge?

112. $30 bucks, weekdays.

113. $50 bucks, weekends...

114. - Is that it? - Reasonable.

115. - That we can do. - Reasonable.

116. - That we can do. - Yeah, absolutely.

117. - Now. - Okay.

118. - Now? Alright. - Give him some money.

119. - Give that to him now.

120. Deandra.

121. - Yo, Deandra. - Yes, Frank.

122. - Yes. Yes. - I can hear you.

123. What are you doing here?

124. I'm going to use the army guy

125. to get the word out about the wrestling match.

126. Why are you dressed like that?

127. Well, my chat name is Desert Rose,

128. so I dressed like a rose, I'm going to give him a rose, and I'm going to play

129. Kiss From a Rose by Seal.

130. - I got a whole thing I'm doing here.

131. The boys and I...

132. Got him a little welcome home gift.

133. Jean shorts?

134. - You bought him a pair of jean shorts? - Yeah.

135. Goddamn it Frank, you guys are gonna have plenty of time to ruin this relationship for

136. me in some point in the future.

137. Can you please let me get it started it first?

138. Hey! Desert Rose!

139. It's me, Ben!

140. God, it's so nice to finally meet you in person.

141. - Desert Rose.

142. - Yeah!

143. Ah. No,

144. Because...

145. I'm not Desert Rose. Ha.

146. I... uh. I am a friend. I am a friend of hers.

147. Great girl. Uh.

148. She just wanted me to come here

149. so that I could tell you.

150. That she wasn't going to be able to show up here.

151. Today.

152. Oh. Well.

153. With the.

154. Dress and the rose, I thought that...

155. Uh yea. Yeah, well of course you thought that.

156. You thought it because of this and the.

157. It's fine. Don't blame yourself.

158. You're not, you're not dumb.

159. You're just. So um.

160. So.

161. Alright, well.

162. I uh, wanna invite you to a wrestling match.

163. Oh. Uh. Thanks.

164. Guys. We all chipped in to get you these uh,

165. Uh. This is uh, coming home present.

166. There you go.

167. And thank you for your service.

168. I don't give a rat's ass

169. about your collection agency.

170. And as for the $15 co-payment...

171. Eat shit and die!

172. Ah shit!

173. Sorry, I'm gonna go get grease up and then uh...

174. And come back and rock on...

175. $15?

176. He's upset about $15?

177. Yeah, smashing our phone. Not a lot of money.

178. Let's move pass it for now. You know let's..

179. Focus on our stuff. Let's focus on on...

180. The most important part of our routine is the entrance.

181. Yes, absolutely. Bam!

182. Frank, what the hell are you doing man?

183. That's my character,

184. I'm the Trash Man.

185. I come out,

186. I throw trash all over... all over the ring...

187. And then, I start eating garbage.

188. And then I pick up the trash can...

189. And I, smash the guy on the head. Oh...

190. That's gonna be a disaster.

191. No, no, nobody's gonna get hurt.

192. I'm telling you, like you said... It's all fake.

193. But it has nothing to do with the troops, Frank.

194. A sixty year old man eating trash, who wants to see that?

195. Nah, but that's what people want. Hey...

196. I got something for you. I got a character for you.

197. You can be... The ref.

198. I'm not gonna be the ref.

199. I'm a villain, don't you see?

200. Pick up the garbage... and then I uh...

201. - Frank. - Just nasty dude!

202. - Are you choking? - Oh my gosh!

203. No, throw it up in the bathroom. Get out of here.

204. Go take a break. Go take a break.

205. The troops are going to be very happy to see that.

206. Alright, let's get this... Let's, let's...

207. Let's get back to it... Just... Charlie.

208. So we're talking about the entrances okay?

209. Yeah, we got a good idea. Okay. We got a good idea.

210. Alright now, they are going to announce our name:

211. Birds of War.

212. Oh, I loved that name. I love it.

213. And yeah, maybe we'll do an eagle screech.. *Screeching* That'll be great.

214. And then we'll start out.. We'll come out of the tunnel, we'll start out.

215. We're gonna write this great song. It's gonna be how bad ass we are.

216. You know what I mean. It's all about the...

217. About how we soar through the air, how we live in a nest top.

218. How we like to protect our eggs from predators.

219. And our young, we regurgitate to our... All the...

220. Actually, can I stop you guys for one second?

221. Because what you just... described,

222. Nah, it seems like we're just singing...

223. About the life style of an eagle. Yeah.

224. Okay, well I was under the impression that we were presenting ourselves as bird men.

225. Which, to me... Is infinitely cooler

226. than just sorta being a bird.

227. No No No... It's good... We can meet in the middle thou... We can... maybe

228. Maybe... It's just already the middle... That's all I ask, that's all I ask...

229. I want people to be able to see that we're not just birds.

230. Thanks you for stepping in as Desert Rose.

231. Uh, no problem. I dated a lot of disable men in my past, so...

232. I enjoyed the power. Okay...

233. Why aren't you wearing red? I was very specific about that.

234. - I don't' do red. - Well, you look like a grape.

235. Fine, then I'll be Desert Grape.

236. No, he wasn't talking to Desert Grape,

237. He was talking to Desert Rose, it's very specific and...

238. Alright, you know what, alright,

239. this is what we'll do, just put this here.

240. - Oh, you're sweaty. Oh, Okay. - It's humid outside.

241. - So uh, which one is he?

242. Right behind you in yellow.

243. - Ah, mama like... - Cute, right?

244. Hey, did he send you any dick pics.

245. Because it could be a mess down there.

246. For the love of god, please don't ask him about his dick.

247. Okay, have it your way, I'll figure it out soon enough.

248. And away we go.

249. Oh, she looks ridiculous.

250. - Desert Rose?

251. - Hi

252. What... What the hell?

253. Oh, it feels so good to finally hold you.

254. Oh you... You're... You're biting my lips.

255. Hi, oh.

256. What a coincidence.

257. Hey oh, you're the girl from the bus stop.

258. - Yes, I am. - Well, you guys are friends right?

259. Mmm hmm, not really.

260. Tell your friend, thank you for the shorts. They fit great. Yeah?

261. Yeah, will do. So, what's...

262. What's the deal with you standing?

263. I thought there was a wheelchair and you were in it.

264. Oh no, no I... I twisted my knee getting of a plane in Germany.

265. I'm uh. I was just trying to stay off of it. Mmm, it's good now, you see?

266. Yes it is. Can I talk to you for a sec?

267. I'll be back. What is it? What, what?

268. I changed my mind, so move out of the way so I can swoop in. Nah Uh...

269. - No chang-ies. - What?

270. Artemis, I'm warning you, if you don't get out of the way right now. I'm going to bring out the big guns.

271. Oh, hit me with your best shot you stupid bitch!

272. I was looking around, I was thinking...

273. I... I brought some...

274. You just... I'm sorry for that. You just...

275. I... just props I thought I was bringing.

276. That is not a prop though, that's sharp razor wires.

277. Mr. Manic, we were thinking that maybe we could go a little more traditional with it.

278. You know just, figure 4 leg lock, pile driver...

279. Hey, off the top... suplex... Oh, no no...

280. People, that old school bullshit... That, that don't play no more you know.

281. - Really? - Yeah, it's gotta be gruesome, you know?

282. Those people, they like blood you know and...

283. Yes, well guys like you...

284. You know what, I love you guys man...

285. You know, you remind me of my kids...

286. Oh, you got kids Maniac?

287. Nah, not anymore.

288. What does that mean?

289. - Okay, alright - We got a problem...

290. I don't know... What... what was he talking about with his kids?

291. Did he killed his kids? He just...

292. Drifted away and uh...

293. Look at it, look at this, I feel like he's living out of his car right?

294. I mean he's got blankets in there. What is that? A pile of laundry...

295. Look at this dude,

296. that's just a bucket of chestnuts.

297. What, is he just foraging for his food?

298. I don't know why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts, bro?

299. We are dealing with a legitimate maniac now.

300. That is clear to me, his mania is not confined to the ring.

301. No, he kept calling you the N word earlier.

302. Yea, I didn't, I wasn't gonna bring that up, I don't' want to freak him out.

303. Me? Yes, Yes.

304. He was calling me the N word.

305. Every time you turned your back.

306. He's like you stupid N, go get me grease.

307. - And this and that. - Why?

308. I don't' know, did he say why? He has a problem with...

309. Black people and he likes to... Why does he have a problem with me?

310. I mean I don't understand. Both, I think...

311. Oh my god, okay.

312. Let's get rid of him. Let's get rid of him, thats it.

313. How you get rid of a guy like that?

314. I don't want to be anywhere in the ring with that guy.

315. You know what? What if we were just hype men?

316. We don't even go in the ring.

317. Yes, we let him do the wrestling.

318. - We do not wrestle? - No.

319. Alright, we gotta find someone for him to wrestle though.

320. Right right. Okay.

321. Someone who has like...

322. You know nothing to lose, right?

323. - Cricket. - That's out Cricket.

324. - Yeah. - Cricket.

325. No.

326. What do you want? What do you want from me?

327. We want you to wrestle at a wrestling match that we're gonna throw.

328. No, how about that?

329. I'm not gonna participate in your little games and schemes.

330. Cricket, how about this? It's for the troops.

331. I don't give a shit about the troops.

332. - We'll gonna pay you, bro. - That's pay involved.

333. Oh, you should have thought about that, Cricket.

334. - You paying? - Oh, yea man.

335. Oh I see, so what, am I gonna get my ass kick?

336. It's wrestling, it's all fake.

337. It's relatively fake.

338. What happens in the ring, happens in the ring, Cricket.

339. It's really up to you.

340. I don't feel we're reading as eagles.

341. No bro, we look like assholes.

342. It didn't turn out the way I had envisioned.

343. I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

344. - What in gods name is this about? - Alright, alright, don't start...

345. We're Bird Man, we're Birds Of War.

346. - Bird-Men? - What do you want? What do you want?

347. Okay uh, I wanna sing the star spangle banner before the match.

348. Yeah, good sing. We don't' care.

349. Do whatever you want. Just get away. We obviously in the middle of something. Get away. Get away. Yeah.

350. - Get outta here!

351. Whoa, whoa, wait a sec, do that again.

352. That?

353. - That looks pretty cool. - Maybe we can go with the chicken thing.

354. - Ah, no no, we're not going with the chicken... - The chicken boys!

355. - We're not changing the songs. - Got big problems with The Maniac!

356. Big problem with The Maniac.

357. Oh, what the hell did he do? Did he kill somebody?

358. - Unpaid parking tickets. - Unpaid parking tickets?

359. - Manic. - Oh my boy. My boys.

360. Wait wait wait wait wait...

361. You know what,

362. The Manic loves you.

363. Even with your... Wait, wait.

364. Even with your f... I love you.

365. We love you too, man.

366. - Poor guy. - I don't love him. I don't love him at all

367. You guys need a wrestler now.

368. We should take The Trash Man out of retirement.

369. That is not gonna happen, Frank.

370. He's right, we do need a wrestler. I know.

371. Guys, I'm thinking that maybe we should do it. Yeah.

372. Right? We got the costumes, we got the passion!

373. - We are just... Battling Cricket. - Just Cricket.

374. Alright, Pigeon Boys! Let's do this!

375. No, we're not the Pigeon Boys.

376. - Birds of War. - Chicken Boys!

377. - Are we sticking with the Eagles. - Yes, we're Birds of War.

378. - Let's just go with Bird. - We don't' even look like eagles.

379. What kind of bird would we be?

380. And now, the moment you all been waiting for.

381. Introducing America's most hated terrorist.

382. The Taliban.

383. America sucks!

384. The terrorists rule. Ah la la la!

385. Ladies and gentlemen,

386. get ready to take flight with...

387. The Birds of War.

388. What's up America.

389. Hey troops! Hi guys!

390. Drop a beat for us. You ready?

391. Go! Clap! So so Clap! So clap!

392. The eagles are out of ...

393. It flies through the night...

394. Don't you mess with it's heads now...

395. Or you'll see a fight.

396. Yes, we have feathers, ah!

397. But the muscles are man.

398. Ahh ahhh ah, cos we're Birds of War now!

399. But we're also mans!

400. Birds of War!

401. They are not responding to the pageantry at all.

402. The new second verse is completely ridiculous.

403. The second verse is necessary to clarify...

404. - Clarify what we are. - We're Mic, we're Mic-ed.

405. - The microphones are on. - Are they hearing us?

406. - Do the routine. - Go!

407. The crow thing, the crow thing...

408. No no cut it, cut it.

409. Not that one, I'm not doing that one.

410. Flip the tape over, the other song.

411. This one goes out to a very special soldier.

412. A Soldier of Fortune.

413. I'm your real Desert Rose.

414. That strange woman you been hanging out with.

415. She's an impostor.

416. Baby...

417. Yeah, bitch!

418. She is a slut!

419. You, you broke my nose.

420. Yea Taliban! Ah la la la!

421. - So, what do we do? What do we? - I think it started.

422. Go go ahead. Jump in the ring and fight Cricket.

423. I'm going, I'm going to get a little rough with you, okay?

424. Oh, what is that? Sand? Oh, Jesus Christ.

425. - Oh come on ref. Is that even legal? - I didn't see nothing.

426. Yo, Cricket gone crazy man.

427. - Shit, we can't let the Taliban win. - Alright, alright I got it.

428. Alright Cricket, you son of a bitch, you think you're so tough huh?

429. Stop throwing sand! Stop!

430. Come on, bitch! You want some?

431. I feel like if I come in there...

432. You're just gonna throw sand in my eyes, so I'm gonna run away.

433. America sucks! Terrorist rules! Yay!

434. - Stop, you got me. - The Trash Man!

435. Oh shit, are you okay Cricket?

436. I must had an itch.

437. I knew this shit wasn't fake.

438. Sync, transcript, spellcheck by Ikatic