1. [
Woman ] Next case.Copy !req
2. Mr. Dennis Reynolds. That's me.
Yeah. Right here.Copy !req
3. How are ya?Copy !req
4. From October 28, 2008,
to November 1, 2008,Copy !req
5. you were issued a series
of parking citations totaling $1,300.Copy !req
6. - Who are these people?
- Oh, uh, these people are here to corroborate my story.Copy !req
7. - It's a parking violation.
- Oh, well.Copy !req
8. I think you'll find it goes
much, much deeper than that.Copy !req
9. Yes, Lady Madam of the court, I do
believe that this court will realize...Copy !req
10. that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal
that caused each and every one of us...Copy !req
11. great physical
and emotional trauma.Copy !req
12. And what is this ordeal?Copy !req
13. The Philadelphia Phillies winning
the World Series, Your Honor.Copy !req
14. Okay, Mr. Reynolds. On what grounds
are you contesting these tickets?Copy !req
15. Well- What grounds?
Where do we even begin?Copy !req
16. Oh, yeah.
On many grounds, Your Honor.Copy !req
17. Many, many grounds.
Yes.Copy !req
18. And let the record show that we are
waiving our right to an attorney.Copy !req
19. Just explain to me why you feel you should
not have been issued these tickets.Copy !req
20. Okay. Um, yeah.
Well, I think in order to do that,Copy !req
21. we should probably start
at the top of the story.Copy !req
22. I know what the story is.
Oh, all right.Copy !req
23. It was game five
of the World Series,Copy !req
24. and we actually had tickets.Copy !req
25. Needless to say,
I mean, we were pumped.Copy !req
26. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
27. Hey-oh!
What's up, fellas?Copy !req
28. What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors?
Not supporting the team, dude?Copy !req
29. Wearing colors? Why the hell
would I be wearing colors to...Copy !req
30. Oh, my God! Today's the World Series!
I totally forgot.Copy !req
31. Oh, wait a second. What's this?Copy !req
32. You didn't forget! Boom!
I didn't forget a “thang”!Copy !req
33. This is one of the few times where it is
acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum.Copy !req
34. So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time.
What do you think?Copy !req
35. - Smart.
- I think you're gonna be cold as shit.Copy !req
36. I'm not gonna be cold at all 'cause
I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol.Copy !req
37. Grain alcohol. Whenever there's a potential
riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.Copy !req
38. Riot juice!
It's like rum punch!Copy !req
39. Put some of that
on my bug bites.Copy !req
40. - No. What? Do you want to remember it?
- Charlie, come here.Copy !req
41. Back to back.
Back to back? Okay.Copy !req
42. What's going on with you guys, huh?
Oh, we got bed bugs, dude.Copy !req
43. Oh, man. The place is infested with them.
Some guy brought them back from Haiti.Copy !req
44. World Series, bitches!
What is up?Copy !req
45. Plan's still on, right?
Oh, shit yeah, baby girl. Plan is on.Copy !req
46. Hey! Time out.
There's a plan?Copy !req
47. - There's always a plan, buddy.
- Why didn't you tell me about this? What's the plan?Copy !req
48. Okay, in the bottom of the ninth when the
Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs,Copy !req
49. Dennis and I are gonna start
beating the shit out of each other.Copy !req
50. Which will attract the
attention of Security. Yeah.Copy !req
51. And that's when I run on the
field and kiss a player. Oh!Copy !req
52. And I will toss on Green Man
and run around the field...Copy !req
53. - No.
- And go crazy as Green Man.Copy !req
54. No, no, no, no, no.
Whoomp, there it goes.Copy !req
55. Don't toss on Green Man
because in this particular case,Copy !req
56. the Philly Phrenetic
really reigns supreme, okay?Copy !req
57. We're talking about the Phillies here.
Leave that for other shit.Copy !req
58. - Are you kidding me?
- Dude, people love that guy. - We love him.Copy !req
59. I don't love him!
I'm sick of him!Copy !req
60. He's got a stranglehold on the
Philly mascot scene. It's not fair!Copy !req
61. I got a pretty good thing going with Green Man.
I don't see why there can only be one mascot.Copy !req
62. No. I feel like there's
only room for one green idiot...Copy !req
63. running around
making an asshole of himself.Copy !req
64. Whoa. I can't find the tickets.Copy !req
65. - What are you talking about?
- I don't have the tickets in my pocket!Copy !req
66. - What, dude?
- Nowhere. I know exactly where I left them.Copy !req
67. I left them on the coffee table
in the apartment.Copy !req
68. We don't have time to go back.
We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgating!Copy !req
69. - We gotta go back and get 'em.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!Copy !req
70. Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go to
the parking lot, get us a good spot.Copy !req
71. - We'll go get the tickets.
- All right. Let's move, man.Copy !req
72. I can't believe I forgot the tickets.
Jesus Christ, Frank.Copy !req
73. I don't know. All I'm doing is,
like, just making the sandwiches.Copy !req
74. Shut up!Copy !req
75. Okay, I think it's important to figure
out which player I want to kiss...Copy !req
76. when I thrust myself out
on that field.Copy !req
77. I'm going Shane
Victorino right now.Copy !req
78. Flyin' Hawaiian.
Flyin' Hawaiian.Copy !req
79. Strong choice.
But center field- way too far.Copy !req
80. Oh. Oh! You'll get jacked out
before you get anywhere closeCopy !req
81. Balls! Oh, no!Copy !req
82. They're fumigating
the building for bed bugs.Copy !req
83. How did you not know that they were
bug bombing your apartment, bro?Copy !req
84. I can't read every flyer that
gets slipped under the door!Copy !req
85. Jesus Christ.
Well, now what are we gonna do?Copy !req
86. - Well, I don't know. We gotta go-
- Go get the tickets! Hurry up!Copy !req
87. I'm not going in there!
That's full of toxic smoke.Copy !req
88. We'll go buy gas masks.
We don't have time for gas masks!Copy !req
89. Frank, come on. It's not that poisonous.
Just go really fast.Copy !req
90. - Shit. All right.
- Jesus Christ.Copy !req
91. Oh, God!Copy !req
92. - My eyes are burning!
- Now what?Copy !req
93. All right. Fine!Copy !req
94. I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole
in the tent, smash through the window.Copy !req
95. That'll cut down
on occupancy time.Copy !req
96. You are not capable
of doing that.Copy !req
97. I absolutely have the upper body
strength to accomplish that.Copy !req
98. Are you kidding me?
Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it!Copy !req
99. Will you shut up? I'm calling the
boys to tell 'em we're gonna be late.Copy !req
100. They're doing that right now?Copy !req
101. All right. Keep me posted.
Shit. What's up, man?Copy !req
102. Bro, they are bug bombing your building right now.
They got the whole thing tented.Copy !req
103. Oh, my God! Those guys can't get
in there to get the tickets.Copy !req
104. There's no way they're gonna.
That's poisonous gas, dude. You can't breathe that.Copy !req
105. Screw 'em, right? What are you suggesting?
Maybe we sneak into the game?Copy !req
106. I want to get into that game.
I don't even want to tailgate any more, bro.Copy !req
107. Oh, you're right! We gotta sneak in.
All right. We're gonna sneak.Copy !req
108. How are we gonna sneak in though, bro?
Security's gonna be crazy.Copy !req
109. There's a couple ways
you can do it.Copy !req
110. One, we can take the secret tunnel that
goes from the Ollidy Inn into the stadium.Copy !req
111. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.Copy !req
112. There's no secret tunnel going from
the stadium to the Ollidy Inn.Copy !req
113. What the hell are you talking about?
This is common knowledge, bro.Copy !req
114. There is. They built a secret tunnel
so that the visiting players...Copy !req
115. can get safely back to the hotel without
the Phillies fans hammering them.Copy !req
116. We're passionate fans. Passionate fans.
We gotta hammer something.Copy !req
117. So they got a tunnel for that? Wow.
Don't you think there's gonna be security there too?Copy !req
118. There might. All right.
You know what? I got it.Copy !req
119. We're gonna do a Charlie One-Two, all right?
You're gonna do this, okay?Copy !req
120. Okay. One, you jump in front of
a car coming into the stadium.Copy !req
121. Two, you say, “I'm gonna sue you
if you don't give me tickets.”Copy !req
122. No! No!
That is a terrible plan.Copy !req
123. How is that terrible?
Because it involves me getting hit by a car.Copy !req
124. You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man.
You'll bounce off that thing.Copy !req
125. It's called the Charlie One-Two.
You do it.Copy !req
126. Well, no.
I've done too many, man.Copy !req
127. The next one could be my last.
I don't want to get hit by a moving car.Copy !req
128. You'll be fine!
This is the World Series, man.Copy !req
129. I don't want to do any more,
dude. I could die.Copy !req
130. You do it.Copy !req
131. All right, goddamn it. I'm gonna do it.
Let's do it! Last time. One last time.Copy !req
132. Too shitty, right?
Crappy car. Yeah.Copy !req
133. No, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car.
We need rich people tickets.Copy !req
134. Rich seats. Oh. Ooh. This guy right here.
This is a good one.Copy !req
135. This is gonna be a good one, dude.
He's gonna have such good seats. Go, go, go! Go!Copy !req
136. What are you doing, man?
Bro, that guy was gonna have great seats.Copy !req
137. Yeah. I felt like I didn't have a good angle.
What do you mean?Copy !req
138. I might go this way You just
jump right out in front of him.Copy !req
139. This guy'll have good seats.
Don't get cold feet on me.Copy !req
140. Jump out in front of this guy.
I'm fine. This guy's good.Copy !req
141. Your Honor, so my friend here pushed me
in front of a moving car. No big deal.Copy !req
142. Ladies and gentlemen of the court,
these were dire times,Copy !req
143. and dire actions were needed
to get those tickets!Copy !req
144. But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie, because
the guy saw you push me in front of his car.Copy !req
145. Yeah, that's true.
We didn't get the tickets.Copy !req
146. So you guys tried to scam
your way into the game...Copy !req
147. by throwing each other
in front of cars...Copy !req
148. with the hopes of extorting tickets
from the drivers.Copy !req
149. Let the record show that the three of us do
not condone the actions of the two of them.Copy !req
150. The record will show everything.
You can stop saying that.Copy !req
151. Are you sure?
'Cause she's not typing very quickly.Copy !req
152. It's shorthand. She's getting the gist.Copy !req
153. I don't appreciate being paraphrased.
I choose my words very deliberately.Copy !req
154. - Get back to your case.
- Okay.Copy !req
155. So anyway, the three of us are back at
their apartment trying to get the tickets,Copy !req
156. and Mac is scaling the building.Copy !req
157. Well, it's just I
couldn't get a good grip, you know?Copy !req
158. - Is it the grip? ls the grip the problem?
- Hey, you guys.Copy !req
159. Look, I found
this garden hose. All right?Copy !req
160. I'm gonna use it to pump
fresh air into the building...Copy !req
161. and breathe into it
like a scuba diver.Copy !req
162. That actually seems like it could work.
Yeah. Let's give it a shot.Copy !req
163. I'll try it out. Okay.
I'll go- Yeah.Copy !req
164. Go, go, go.Copy !req
165. Okay. How is it?Copy !req
166. What?Copy !req
167. I'll get-
Yeah! You're in?Copy !req
168. World Series, here We come!
All right!Copy !req
169. Pregame! Pregaming!
Let's pregame.Copy !req
170. All right, Dee. Let's get back to this
player selection conversation, okay?Copy !req
171. 'Cause I got some-
got some thoughts.Copy !req
172. Yeah, I've been thinking about it.
Ryan Howard, right?Copy !req
173. Mmm.Copy !req
174. What? Look, if it's me, I'm going
Chase Utley 100% of the time.Copy !req
175. He's a power-hitting second baseman.
Do you know how rare that is in the National League?Copy !req
176. And he's hot, which is number one on my list.
Of course he is.Copy !req
177. But I really like Ryan Howard.
You're kissin' Chase Utley, and that's it.Copy !req
178. Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me?
It's starting to get weird.Copy !req
179. Okay, look.
I have a plan, all right?Copy !req
180. And it involves you getting this letter to
him when you get out there to kiss him.Copy !req
181. I have given this to Major
League Baseball, his lawyer,Copy !req
182. his manager, his mom,Copy !req
183. and he has not gotten back to me,
which means he hasn't gotten it yet.Copy !req
184. So just-
Okay. What is in this letter?Copy !req
185. That's none of your business, all right?
Just get it to Chase.Copy !req
186. Did you write a love letter
to Chase Utley? Is that...Copy !req
187. In a lot of ways,
yes, I do love him,Copy !req
188. but that is not a love letter in the
way that you're thinking of it, okay?Copy !req
189. There's nothing sexual or- Okay.
That sounds good. I'm gonna read it.Copy !req
190. Pal around and-
Yeah, read it!Copy !req
191. “Dear Chase”- Oh, shit!
There's stickers! Yeah.Copy !req
192. My God. Oh, this is good.
You gotta jazz it up.Copy !req
193. Yeah, you sure do. You sure do.
I want to make it pop.Copy !req
194. “Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase
because you and me are so much alike.”Copy !req
195. Really? “I would love
to meet you someday.Copy !req
196. “It would be great
to have a catch.Copy !req
197. "I know I can't throw as fast as you, but I
think you would be impressed with my speed.Copy !req
198. “I love your hair.
You run fast.Copy !req
199. “Did you have a good
relationship with your father?Copy !req
200. “Me neither.Copy !req
201. “These are all things we can talk
about, and more.Copy !req
202. I know you have not been getting my letters
because I know you would write back if you did.”Copy !req
203. “And I hope you write back this time
and we get to be good friends.Copy !req
204. I am sure our relationship would be a
real home run.”Copy !req
205. Well, if you-
if you read it out of context...Copy !req
206. There's no right context.Copy !req
207. - Strike that from the record, please!
- No, leave that on the record.Copy !req
208. - That one stays on the record.
- Can we get back to your case?Copy !req
209. Let's move on, huh? Shall we move on?
We're gonna move on.Copy !req
210. Sorry about that, Your Honor.
Whoo!Copy !req
211. My God!Copy !req
212. Wow! Wow.Copy !req
213. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
214. Hey, what were you hoping
to accomplish with this?Copy !req
215. I'm hoping that he reads
the letter- Uh-huh.Copy !req
216. And realizes that he's always
wanted a younger brother.Copy !req
217. Younger brother?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
218. That guy's, like, five years younger than you.
You know that, right?Copy !req
219. Is he really? Are you kidding me?
He seems- Yeah- Oh, shit!Copy !req
220. - The hose is gone. Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
221. He's in there
breathing the poison.Copy !req
222. We gotta get those tickets.
I gotta get to Chase! Goddamn it.Copy !req
223. Okay, hold on.Copy !req
224. Oh, the poison is so thick!Copy !req
225. Oh! Oh!
This hallway is really bad!Copy !req
226. There he is!Copy !req
227. Run! Get him! Frank!
Frank!Copy !req
228. Frank! Hey, where are the tickets?Copy !req
229. Where are the tickets?
Leave me here to die!Copy !req
230. - No, come on! Where are the goddamn tickets?
- I don't know where...Copy !req
231. I can't find 'em.
I'll find them!Copy !req
232. I left 'em on the coffee table!
Get 'em!Copy !req
233. The bug bomb bastards took 'em!Copy !req
234. Oh, God!Copy !req
235. [ Gagging 1Copy !req
236. Hey. Yo!
How are you feeling, buddy?Copy !req
237. I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.
I was just blasted by a car.Copy !req
238. Yeah, I know.
You got creamed, but check it out.Copy !req
239. I got you a soft pretzel dog!
Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch!Copy !req
240. I might be bleeding internally!
Dude!Copy !req
241. That's the Philly Phrenetic up there, man!
Maybe I'll go talk some shop with him!Copy !req
242. A little Green Man!
He can get us in the game, dude!Copy !req
243. Ow! The Phrenetic!Copy !req
244. Yo! Hey! Hey!Copy !req
245. Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Philly Phrenetic!
Philly Phrenetic!Copy !req
246. Huge fan, man!
Seriously. Big time.Copy !req
247. Are you serious? Do you mean that?
Ha-ha! Bring it in, man.Copy !req
248. Bring it in. Ah, yeah!
All right. Now, seriously.Copy !req
249. Man to man, mascot to mascot,Copy !req
250. I was wondering maybe if you could
help get me in the game, you know,Copy !req
251. maybe hook me up
with a Green Man routine.Copy !req
252. We do it at the stadium
together. So...Copy !req
253. All right, now-
I'm trying to talk to you, dude.Copy !req
254. I'm trying to have a conversation
with you, you're belly bumping me.Copy !req
255. All right. I'll give you...Copy !req
256. All right, don't big league me now here, man.
Don't big league...Copy !req
257. Look, I'm trying to have a conversation
with the man behind the mask!Copy !req
258. I feel like you're big leaguing me, dude!
Are you taking me seriously?Copy !req
259. That guy's beating
on the Phrenetic.Copy !req
260. Dude, is that a hate crime?
Nah, it's not a hate crime.Copy !req
261. You want to hammer his ass anyway?
Definitely.Copy !req
262. Yo, Dennis! Yo, bud!
Where you going, dude? Ow!Copy !req
263. Goddamn it!
What happened to you?Copy !req
264. Charlie pushed me in front of a goddamn car.
That's what happened.Copy !req
265. - You look terrible.
- Why are your eyes all filled with blood?Copy !req
266. - On account of the poison.
- Dude, where were you going? We gotta get in the stadium.Copy !req
267. Look, it's starting to get packed.
Just forget about it, okay?Copy !req
268. It's impossible to get into that stadium.
Trust me. Take my word for it.Copy !req
269. No, that's not good enough!
We've gotta get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley and...Copy !req
270. Well, how the hell are you planning
on getting in there, Mac?Copy !req
271. Uh- You put me on the spot! First thing
that comes to my head, scaling the facade.Copy !req
272. I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe
that is my mind telling me I have it in me!Copy !req
273. I hate to tell you this, bro, but you
do not have the core strength...Copy !req
274. to scale the facade of
Citizens Bank- you just don't.Copy !req
275. What? I work out all the time!
You only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.Copy !req
276. I work out my core!
No, you do not work out your core.Copy !req
277. You're totally arm heavy.
You're all bi's and tri's.Copy !req
278. And everything else
is just fat and ribs.Copy !req
279. Bro, I can do way more push-ups than you,
and that's like 16 different muscle groups.Copy !req
280. That is beyond retarded,
what you're saying right now.Copy !req
281. I can do way more push-ups than you
even though I was just hit by a car.Copy !req
282. One, two, three, four, five...Copy !req
283. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11-
All right, enough!Copy !req
284. - Stop it!
- All right.Copy !req
285. But you get my point,
Your Honor,Copy !req
286. and you could see that Mac was
slowing down at the end there. What?Copy !req
287. And let the record show that that is because
he only works out his glamour muscles.Copy !req
288. No, that's- That's bullshit!
I did, like, three more than you!Copy !req
289. Yeah, but you were- I wasn't slowing down.
Put that on the record!Copy !req
290. Strike that from the record.
I don't think you did three more.Copy !req
291. - Oh, no! You saw it! She saw it!
- I need this story...Copy !req
292. Sustained.
To come to an end soon.Copy !req
293. Okay. Fair enough, Your Honor.
I will bring this story to a close very soon.Copy !req
294. Okay, so- Let me pick up
where we left off.Copy !req
295. We were at the parking lot, and I had just
punched him in the face for cheating...Copy !req
296. like he just tried to do
right here in the courtroom.Copy !req
297. Stop handing me papers.Copy !req
298. Why did you
hammer my nose, bro?Copy !req
299. I hammered your nose because you
disqualified me for no good reason.Copy !req
300. Because you had bad form, dude!
What are you talking about?Copy !req
301. You were slowing down, and you
just tried to- That's bullshit.Copy !req
302. I got hammered so hard! Yeah?
Well, you deserve it, asshole!Copy !req
303. Charlie, who hammered you?Copy !req
304. Just some overly passionate
Phillies fans. Who do you think?Copy !req
305. You getting hammered by Philly
fans is reminding me of something.Copy !req
306. There is a secret tunnel between
the stadium and the Ollidy Inn.Copy !req
307. I know, dude! I was telling this guy
about the tunnel! No! That's not true.Copy !req
308. They built it 'cause Phillies fans hammer
people all the time! That's a known tunnel.Copy !req
309. They gotta get the players out!
It's underground.Copy !req
310. Everybody knows about the tunnel.
Let's give the tunnel a shot.Copy !req
311. Well, let's get in!
We've got nothing to lose.Copy !req
312. It's starting.
You hear that shit? I hear it.Copy !req
313. Is that- it seems
like it's gonna rain.Copy !req
314. Don't ever disqualify me again for a
bullshit reason, or I'll hammer you again.Copy !req
315. Was your form off?Copy !req
316. Try to look inconspicuous.
Inconspicuous?Copy !req
317. We all look like we've been
in a terrible fight, Frank.Copy !req
318. Everybody in here looks like
they've been in a terrible fight.Copy !req
319. These two ladies are in the middle
of a terrible fight right now.Copy !req
320. Phillies fans are brutal.
There's the elevator. Go! Go!Copy !req
321. All right. Which way is it, dude?
Which way? Uh, let's try this way.Copy !req
322. The game is about to start, and this
damn thing is not giving me a signal.Copy !req
323. Damn it. I don't know if I'm
on board with this plan, man.Copy !req
324. I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch
it up there then join the riot afterwards.Copy !req
325. Maybe you're right. If we can't go to the game,
we should be able to watch it somewhere.Copy !req
326. We're getting in the game, all right?
[Dee ] Just hurry up.Copy !req
327. All right, hang on a second.
This looks good down here.Copy !req
328. Bingo. Look at this little room.
This has got to be something, right?Copy !req
329. All right. Here we go.Copy !req
330. It's a linen closet, Charlie.Copy !req
331. Yeah. They want you to think
it's a linen closet, Frank!Copy !req
332. All right, check behind the
shelves and shit. Why?Copy !req
333. In Scooby-Doo secret tunnels are always
behind shelves. There's gonna be one.Copy !req
334. Could we not base our decisions on what does
and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby-Doo?Copy !req
335. Goddamn it! Let's get up to
the bar before the game ends!Copy !req
336. Yeah, let's go.
Come on.Copy !req
337. Oh, shit. It's locked.
What?Copy !req
338. What do you mean, it's locked?
It's locked!Copy !req
339. Help! Hey!
Somebody help us!Copy !req
340. Guys!Copy !req
341. Check this out.Copy !req
342. - No!Copy !req
343. Holy shit.
Is it really?Copy !req
344. This is the way. Hang on.
It's dark in here.Copy !req
345. But it sounds like it's a tunnel.Copy !req
346. It's dark as hell in here.
I can't see anything.Copy !req
347. It stinks.
Awful.Copy !req
348. Hang on.
Hang on. I found a light.Copy !req
349. No, no!Copy !req
350. No, stop it! No! Uh-uh! No!Copy !req
351. Are you telling me you all found a
dungeon at the bottom of the Ollidy Inn?Copy !req
352. No. No, no.
No, no. Not really.Copy !req
353. I just added that last part at the
end there to spice the story up...Copy !req
354. 'cause if I'm being honest, it kind of
seemed like we were losing you for a bit.Copy !req
355. Yeah, you weren't paying
attention, but-But now you are.Copy !req
356. But the point is, we did get stuck
in that linen closet for six days.Copy !req
357. Yes, we did. And as you know, there
was a rain delay on the game.Copy !req
358. We missed the game. We missed the riot.
We missed the parade. We missed everything.Copy !req
359. Yeah. And the only way we got out is some
maid came after six days to get fresh towels.Copy !req
360. Yeah. How does the hotel not run
out of towels for six days?Copy !req
361. Let the record show that we question
that hotel's sanitation procedures.Copy !req
362. Absolutely.
It's a filthy place.Copy !req
363. And while we were stuck
in that tiny little room for six days,Copy !req
364. surviving only on sink water
and peppermint candies...Copy !req
365. and what little bit of riot punch
we had left at that point,Copy !req
366. my car accumulated the massive
amount of parking tickets...Copy !req
367. that brings us
before you today.Copy !req
368. So I submit to you that not only should
I be excused of those parking tickets,Copy !req
369. but I think, um, we're really owed
compensation for the entire ordeal.Copy !req
370. Compensation.
Because we went through some shit!Copy !req
371. - Is that it?
- Um...Copy !req
372. I think that about
covers the bases, yeah.Copy !req
373. Because I do not find that your
story excuses your behavior.Copy !req
374. In fact, it actually seems like...Copy !req
375. you committed a litany
of additional crimes in the process.Copy !req
376. I order you to pay the original fine.Copy !req
377. Next case!Copy !req
378. I didn't want to do this,
but I'm gonna have to...Copy !req
379. I'm calling kangaroo court on this one!
A kangaroo court!Copy !req
380. It's a kangaroo court.
I'm calling kangaroo court because...Copy !req
381. And you know what?
I'm gonna toss in my countersuit.Copy !req
382. Uh, Charlie Kelly versus
Major League Baseball...Copy !req
383. A countersuit, Charlie?
And the Philly Phrenetic.Copy !req
384. Don't do it, Charlie. I'm mad that this guy.
He's got a stranglehold...Copy !req
385. Oh, boy. Look what's happening.
On the mascot scene.Copy !req
386. First of all, I had to call him the Phrenetic.
His name's the Phanatic.Copy !req
387. But I'm gonna get sued by Major League
Baseball if I call him the Phanatic.Copy !req
388. And let's talk about steroids!
Can we talk about steroids?Copy !req
389. Can we talk about steroid abuse?
It's bullshit!Copy !req
390. It's ruining the game!
It's ruining it!Copy !req