It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5x11

1. Now, keep in mind

2. we've been locked in this

3. parking garage stairwell for

4. like 20 minutes, dude.

5. Okay, so then we turn

6. around and what do we see?

7. A scary homeless dude.

8. And I'm like, "Oh, shit!"

9. Yeah, and I'm like, uh, you

10. know, like, I'm like, "What do

11. we— what do we do?" you know.

12. And then Mac, he's just like—

13. "Just chill!"

14. And I'm like, "How do we chill,

15. dude?"

16. Yeah, and I'm all, "Oh, shit,

17. he's gonna talk now."

18. Yeah, and I'm-I'm all like,

19. "How do you know he's gonna

20. talk?"

21. And I'm like, "Because his

22. mouth is opening."

23. And then he did talk.

24. Yeah, and then he goes— he

25. goes, "I-I'll let you out of the

26. stairwell, 'cause I have the

27. key, because I'm the security

28. guard instead."

29. That's a cool story, huh?

30. Right?

31. Okay, so, uh, just so

32. I'm clear on the story that you

33. just told.

34. Yeah.

35. It was about you guys

36. getting locked in a garage

37. stairwell for 20 or so minutes.

38. Yeah.

39. And then a security guard

40. came along, and the security

41. guard let you out...?

42. Well, yeah, but, I mean, it's

43. how you tell the story that

44. makes it good.

45. How you told the story was by

46. far the worst part of the story.

47. You weren't even paying

48. attention to us, dude.

49. No, all you're doing is

50. playing on that stupid phone.

51. Why you rubbing on the

52. phone?

53. Let me rub on it.

54. What-what are you doing?

55. No, no, no, hey, hey, Frank!

56. Get your greasy, fat sausage

57. fingers off my touch screen

58. phone.

59. This thing's new.

60. My fingers are not greasy.

61. Uh, you have four sausage

62. links in your pocket right now.

63. Yeah, but I don't touch the

64. sausage links.

65. Why should I do that when I can

66. let my shirt do the work.

67. Watch.

68. Mmm, no touching.

69. My, God, you're an animal.

70. Guess what,

71. boners?

72. I just got a part in an M. Night

73. Shyamalan movie.

74. What?

75. Yeah, I'm a featured actress,

76. which means I'm going to be

77. featured in the scene.

78. What's an M. Night?

79. Wow.

80. Gross.

81. M. Night Shyamalan, the Indian

82. filmmaker from Philly.

83. Oh, my God, this dude's a big

84. deal, Frank.

85. He's like a true to life, uh,

86. Slumdog Millionaire.

87. He always puts some like

88. awesome twist at the end of his

89. movies to trick the audience.

90. Oh, yeah, yeah, like-like in

91. TheSixth Sense, you find out

92. that the dude, um, in that

93. hairpiece the whole time—

94. that's Bruce Willis the whole

95. movie.

96. That's not the twist.

97. That's not the twist to that

98. movie.

99. That wasn't the twist?

100. No.

101. I'll tell you about it later.

102. Watch it again. Watch it...

103. There were a lot of twists...

104. You know what?

105. You're going to need a very

106. crafty agent to squeeze

107. everything out of this slumdog.

108. I volunteer.

109. And I decline.

110. You are abusive and you smell

111. like warm meat and I want you to

112. leave me alone, 'cause this is

113. really important for me.

114. This is important for all of

115. us, okay?

116. This is an opportunity for

117. Charlie and I to get M. Night

118. our script.

119. Since when do you and Charlie

120. have a script?

121. Since you walked in here and

122. said you were in that movie.

123. We're great storytellers.

124. No, goddamn it!

125. No, come on, don't involve

126. yourselves in this.

127. Dee, you involved us in this

128. the second you walked in and

129. told us about the movie.

130. You really shouldn't have

131. done that, you really should...

132. Let's get to work!

133. Ho!

134. Ho! Let's get some beer.

135. Dude, we gotta get some beer.

136. Yeah!

137. Whoa, whoa— excuse me.

138. Can I help you?

139. Oh, great.

140. Nonfat, sugar-free, vanilla soy

141. latte— three shots, no foam.

142. Also, why don't you go ahead and

143. let me in here so I can start my

144. vocal warm-ups.

145. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

146. Who are you again?

147. Dee Reynolds, featured

148. actress. Yeah.

149. Reynolds? Great.

150. Could you send M. Night over,

151. also?

152. Because I have a couple

153. questions regarding the detes

154. of my character.

155. Right.

156. Says you're a "featured extra."

157. Okay.

158. Well, featured extra, featured

159. actress— what's the difference?

160. Well, the difference is a

161. featured actress usually

162. auditions for the role, has

163. lines, gets a trailer.

164. Whereas a featured extra is a

165. person whose headshot we pull

166. off a pile, has no lines and

167. sits in that tent over there

168. till we're ready for her. Okay?

169. Hmm, okay.

170. Ah-ah-ah-ah...

171. Where are we on the coffee

172. situation?

173. Because it's early and I am

174. hungover.

175. Go sit in the tent. Now.

176. This tent?

177. That one. Thank you.

178. Yes, sir.

179. This is hard.

180. Hmm.

181. I mean, 'cause I want the

182. movie to be big, right?

183. You know?

184. And, like, a box office smash.

185. And we want to put, like, a lot

186. of meat in the seats, you know?

187. Yeah. Yeah. You know what

188. I'm thinking, dude?

189. You know what I'm thinking?

190. Something that's happening in

191. Hollywood that's, like, pretty

192. cool.

193. They take an underrated actor,

194. right, whose career's in a

195. slump, and then they make him a

196. star again.

197. That is awesome, right?

198. Yeah.

199. Yeah, let's do that.

200. Yeah, so who's the most

201. underrated actor of all time?

202. It's Dolph Lundgren.

203. Correct. Why?

204. Well, because of his, uh,

205. spiky hair.

206. Yep.

207. His ice-cold demeanor and his

208. big muscles.

209. Absolutely. Okay. All right.

210. All right, so we have our actor.

211. Okay.

212. Okay, that's great.

213. Now we need a really great role

214. for him.

215. You know what I was thinking?

216. Scientists are cool.

217. What if he's a scientist?

218. Okay. Okay, a muscular

219. scientist.

220. I'm into that.

221. Right.

222. As long as we don't cover up

223. that body with a lab coat, bro.

224. No, dude.

225. He's wearing, like, a hot mesh

226. tank top.

227. I like that.

228. Now, does he, like, fight crime

229. or something?

230. Yeah, yeah, yeah— he fights

231. crime, uh, with his brain and

232. his brawn.

233. Should we be writing this down?

234. Okay, brains...

235. Brawn.

236. Brawn.

237. Muscles... oh! Dude!

238. Yeah?

239. I just got a Shyamalan twist

240. to put in this bad boy.

241. Okay. Lay it on me.

242. What if this scientist runs

243. around on all fours?

244. Why would he run on all

245. fours?

246. It's a science experiment

247. with a dog that goes absolutely

248. haywire.

249. Suddenly, he wakes up with the

250. ability to run around like

251. a hound.

252. You know?

253. We're not making the lead of

254. our big-budget action movie half

255. dog.

256. No, not half dog, he's all

257. dog.

258. Then why are we casting Dolph

259. Lundgren?

260. That will be the twist.

261. Dolph Lundgren will be the voice

262. of this dog.

263. That's not a twist.

264. That's a completely different

265. movie about a talking dog

266. scientist with the voice of

267. Dolph Lundgren.

268. All right, you know what?

269. Check this out.

270. What if it's a man with a few

271. dog-like qualities like, uh,

272. heightened sense of smell...

273. Jesus Christ, Charlie.

274. Or licking, or, um...

275. There's no— w-wait a second.

276. A heightened sense of smell?

277. What if he can smell crime?

278. What if he smells crime!

279. Dude, dude-dude-dude

280. dude-dude-dude-dude!

281. What if he can smell crime

282. before it even happens?

283. Holy shit, dude, that's

284. amazing!

285. Smells crime before it even

286. happens!

287. Yes, dude!

288. Yes! Yes!

289. What if his entire head is just

290. one big nose?

291. Write that down!

292. I like that!

293. It's one big nose on Dolph

294. Lundgren's body.

295. Oh, shit!

296. Whoa!

297. What?

298. No, no-no-no-no-no.

299. What are you two doing here?

300. Well, since you've declined

301. my offer to be your agent, I've

302. since taken on Dennis as a

303. client.

304. Denis has that "I don't give a

305. shit" attitude, which is

306. perfect for Hollywood, right,

307. Dennis?

308. I-I really don't care.

309. See? See?

310. Why do you want to be

311. everybody's agent all of a

312. sudden?

313. Because that's where the

314. money is.

315. What do you do?

316. You just put things together,

317. you sit back, you collect ten

318. percent and you let the client

319. do all the work.

320. Dennis doesn't give a shit,

321. right?

322. Stop talking to me.

323. Perfect.

324. Okay, well, you can't just

325. walk in here and get a part in

326. the movie.

327. It's not how it works.

328. Excuse me, sir.

329. Yes?

330. Can my client have a part in

331. your movie?

332. Sure. Here.

333. Fill out this form.

334. You do it.

335. I'll do it.

336. Unbelievable!

337. Hold on a second.

338. Hey, hey, assistant?

339. Hey. Hi, when's somebody going

340. to tell me what my part is?

341. What is your name again?

342. Dee Reynolds, I'm your

343. featured extra.

344. Right, you're a corpse.

345. A corpse.

346. Mm-hmm.

347. Like a zombie roaming through

348. the streets, looking for dead

349. bodies kind of corpse?

350. Nope. Like a dead corpse.

351. Just a dead corpse.

352. A lifeless body, lying in the

353. street.

354. Okay, all right.

355. We'll call you when we're

356. ready for makeup.

357. I know, I know, but hold on a

358. second. I have one more...

359. Don't be... Don't walk away from

360. me.

361. He just... He'll be back.

362. Dee, Jesus, you come off so

363. desperate.

364. Oh, Hollywood, Hollywood!

365. Hollywood!

366. No, no, no, no, no, no.

367. Hey, guys.

368. No, get out of here.

369. What is that?

370. What are you guys doing here?

371. We in a Hollywood situation.

372. Yeah.

373. Dennis just got a part in the

374. movie.

375. Sweet, dude. Thump it.

376. Uh.

377. Don't want to?

378. All right, so, uh... so where's

379. the slumdog?

380. We're ready for him.

381. Oh, you finished the script

382. already?

383. No, not exactly.

384. Yeah, we, uh... we didn't want

385. to get locked into anything, so

386. we came up with a pitch instead.

387. It's more like a series of

388. ideas in no particular order,

389. you know?

390. Yeah, we'll work out the

391. kinks later.

392. Yeah.

393. Oh, you hit a brick wall,

394. huh?

395. Mm.

396. Yeah. Dennis can help you

397. with that.

398. He is good at coming up with

399. awesome words.

400. You know, I wouldn't rule it

401. out.

402. You have to sign him on as a

403. producer. That okay?

404. Dennis, you want to be a

405. producer?

406. Yeah.

407. Sorry.

408. All right, we'll work out the

409. detes later, man.

410. Bro, maybe we got to find,

411. like, a cooler place.

412. Could we get a place with

413. some A/C on?

414. Let's have a meeting.

415. All right.

416. Let's have a meeting and some

417. A/C, man.

418. Leave it to me.

419. All right, you guys got 30

420. seconds. Blow my mind.

421. Blow his mind.

422. Okay, okay, okay.

423. Okay, okay, okay, all right,

424. guys, guys, it's the prequel to

425. The Sixth Sense.

426. The Fifth Sense—the sense of

427. smell.

428. Imagine a super-ripped, super-

429. smart scientist in a mesh tank

430. top... named Doctor...

431. Dolph Lundgren.

432. No, that's-that's not his

433. name.

434. It's... He's played by Dolph

435. Lundgren, but that's not the

436. character's name.

437. No. It could be the

438. character's name.

439. No. That's...

440. A doctor played by Dolph

441. Lundgren named Dolph Lundgren?

442. Yeah.

443. That's confusing to me.

444. That's...

445. No. More confusing than

446. making up an entirely new name

447. for a person?

448. That's gonna confuse people.

449. I'm taking over.

450. I'm taking over.

451. You are losing me.

452. Okay, okay. All right, all

453. right, all right...

454. Imagine a super-smart, ripped

455. scientist played...

456. by Dolph Lundgren...

457. Played...

458. who— after a terrible

459. accident in his lab— blows off

460. his nose...

461. Oh.

462. After reconstructive surgery,

463. he soon realizes that he smells

464. something that stinks.

465. Crime...

466. This doctor smells crime?

467. Possibly also runs around

468. like a hound.

469. No, he doesn't run...!

470. I have to say don't rule it

471. out— it's possible.

472. I didn't agree to that.

473. It's not in any of our notes.

474. He might run around like a

475. hound.

476. What do you think?

477. Okay... all right, first

478. things first.

479. You guys got to type some of

480. this shit out and get organized,

481. for Chrissakes.

482. Get your shit together.

483. Come on, I mean, that's

484. ridiculous.

485. Now, in terms of the story,

486. uh, clearly it's brilliant.

487. It's amazing...

488. Great idea, brilliant idea.

489. and I like it a lot, but

490. there is one critical element

491. that's missing.

492. It needs a sexual punch-up.

493. We need to get a female lead

494. character in there that Dolph

495. can bang throughout the whole

496. movie.

497. Yeah, I kind of hate women,

498. though.

499. Oh.

500. I feel like they just slow

501. action movies down, too.

502. Right.

503. No, Mac, see, you're dead

504. wrong on that.

505. You're dead wrong.

506. See, one of the problems with

507. Shyamalan's movies is that they

508. lack a certain eroticism.

509. What if we were to bring... an

510. incredibly hot but skeptical

511. female lab partner into the mix?

512. And then that way, whenever

513. Dolph's not out busting heads

514. because he smelled crime, he's

515. back at the lab performing

516. outrageous sexual experiments on

517. her supple young body.

518. Now, here's the twist, and there

519. is a twist.

520. We show it.

521. We show all of it.

522. Because what's the one major

523. thing missing from all action

524. movies these days, guys?

525. Full penetration.

526. Guys, we're going to show full

527. penetration, and we're going to

528. show a lot of it.

529. I mean, we're talking, you know,

530. graphic scenes of Dolph Lundgren

531. really going to town on this

532. hot, young lab tech.

533. From behind, 69, anal,

534. vaginal, cowgirl, reverse

535. cowgirl— all the hits, all the

536. big ones, all the good ones.

537. And then he smells crime again.

538. He's out busting heads.

539. Then he's back to the lab for

540. some more full penetration.

541. Smells crime, back to the lab,

542. full penetration.

543. Crime, penetration, crime, full

544. penetration, crime,

545. penetration...

546. And this goes on and on, and

547. back and forth for 90 or so

548. minutes until the movie just

549. sort of ends.

550. That is brilliant!

551. That is the most brilliant movie

552. I've ever heard in my life.

553. I think audiences are going

554. to be very uncomfortable seeing

555. Dolph Lundgren's naked penis

556. going into this young girl that

557. you're talking about.

558. Yeah, just to be clear,

559. though, I don't care either way.

560. Well, it was worth it, you

561. know, 'cause we got the chick

562. thing out of it.

563. Yeah, 30 seconds.

564. So this is good.

565. Okay, all right, well, maybe

566. we should type this stuff up and

567. then Frank will be in touch.

568. Yeah...

569. Okay, we'll type it up.

570. We'll type it up and think about

571. the representation thing.

572. Definitely, dude, definitely.

573. Okay, okay.

574. You don't have to rep him,

575. you could just rep me.

576. All right, let me just get

577. all this stuff.

578. We're not a writing team.

579. Okay, are we good?

580. Yeah, we're good.

581. Okay, we're good?

582. Go ahead, Charlie.

583. Okay, we'll get...

584. Frank, I write better without

585. him, so... okay.

586. Okay, cool.

587. The Fifth Sense?

588. Mm-hmm.

589. Here we go, here we go.

590. Write, write, write a couple

591. words.

592. The... Fifth...

593. Dude, go faster.

594. Hold on, hold on. I can't.

595. Go faster.

596. Ah! I got it in my head.

597. I just, I can't type it fast

598. enough.

599. You can't type it at all.

600. If I could type more better,

601. then I think it would come...

602. Maybe we should get somebody

603. else who can type.

604. Mm-hmm.

605. Look at her, dude.

606. Might be good to have an older

607. lady in the mix, right?

608. Sort of a workhorse secretary?

609. Yeah, I don't care for her

610. demographic.

611. I find them judgmental.

612. Hmm.

613. You know what I mean?

614. Mm-hmm.

615. We need someone more our...

616. hello.

617. Check out this one over here.

618. Does he look Indian to you at

619. all?

620. Oh, yes, dude.

621. It would be great to have an

622. Indian in our corner, right?

623. Oh, my God, they're natural

624. storytellers.

625. They're great with twists.

626. Psst! Psst.

627. Dude. Uh, where are you from?

628. Baltimore.

629. Right, right.

630. Baltimore. Sure, yeah.

631. Where are your parents from?

632. Jersey.

633. Oh. All right, getting

634. nowhere here.

635. You're so...

636. Yeah, well, ah...

637. Is anyone in your family from

638. India?

639. Pakistan.

640. Pakistan, now, that's...

641. Well, isn't...?

642. a country somewhere.

643. So where is...?

644. Yeah, what's the difference

645. between that and...?

646. Well, they're right next to

647. each other— both countries.

648. That's perfect.

649. Perfect.

650. That's close enough, dude.

651. There's probably a lot of

652. going back and forth.

653. Yeah, Pakistanis are probably

654. great with twists, too, in their

655. own kind of way, you know?

656. How'd you like to be in the

657. movie business?

658. Ma'am, how're you doing on

659. makeup in there?

660. We're ready.

661. Well, I'm okay, but I feel

662. like maybe they used a little

663. too much blood.

664. Ma'am, we need to move here.

665. Let's go. Let's go.

666. My gut feeling is they went a

667. little overboard.

668. I mean, can you even tell that

669. it's me?

670. Yeah, it's perfect.

671. It's perfect.

672. We just, uh, we need to pair you

673. up with a husband for the shot.

674. A husband?

675. Yeah.

676. How about this guy right

677. here?

678. That'll work.

679. That'll work.

680. Holy shit, Dee.

681. This is like...

682. Wow, I could barely tell that

683. was you.

684. I mean, what did they dip you

685. by your heels into the blood?

686. That's ridiculous.

687. That looks so stupid.

688. Frank had them go a little

689. more subtle with me so you could

690. see my face— I'd be featured.

691. This?

692. Yeah.

693. This is it?

694. Yeah.

695. How the hell did you manage

696. that?

697. You know, I'm working my ass

698. off.

699. Corpses, let go now!

700. Go on. Go on, go on.

701. Go on. Go on, will you?

702. Whatever.

703. Go ahead.

704. Everybody focus, get down

705. now.

706. Very simple shot.

707. Lot to do today.

708. Lot to do.

709. I need all corpses lying down.

710. We are losing light, people.

711. Let's go.

712. Ma'am, I need you to turn over.

713. Okay, I need you face down,

714. all right?

715. Face down?

716. Yes.

717. Oh, no, 'cause then you won't

718. be able to see my face.

719. Face down or in the pile of

720. bodies over there.

721. You pick it.

722. Face down.

723. That's what I thought.

724. All right, energy, energy.

725. But you're dead— dead energy.

726. Dead energy, here we go.

727. I get it. I get it.

728. Okay, so he's on the edge of

729. this cliff throwing his nose off

730. in the ocean because he's at the

731. happiest point of his life.

732. No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no.

733. This is the scientist's lowest

734. point in the movie.

735. Okay, here he throws his nose

736. off the cliff into the ocean,

737. because he's rejecting his life

738. as a savior of all of mankind.

739. I finally just got it.

740. Oh, bro, that is...

741. Bro, that is deep shit, man.

742. That's nice, nice...

743. That's awesome.

744. It's nice.

745. Where are you landing on the

746. full penetration?

747. Oh, I'm into it.

748. Big time— sleeping around.

749. The Injun says yes, so

750. that's what we're doing.

751. It's done, it's on.

752. Uh, but, but, I, I...

753. I mean, the title...

754. Uh, yeah, the title is...

755. The title sucks.

756. Come on.

757. The title sucks.

758. The Fifth Sense?

759. I mean, it's stupid.

760. Yeah.

761. Who came up, who came up

762. with that?

763. Stupid, man.

764. Come on, man.

765. Stupid.

766. Stupid.

767. Um, so why don't you type out

768. this whole movie real quick and

769. we'll go sell it to Shyamalan?

770. Yeah.

771. Oh, no, I don't write.

772. I'm a big picture kind of guy.

773. You don't write?

774. No, I...

775. Hello?

776. Dennis, hey.

777. We hit a wall on the pitch.

778. Uh, what pitch is that, man?

779. The pitch of the movie that

780. you're a producer on.

781. Oh, yeah, that thing.

782. Yeah, what's up with that?

783. We realized that none of us

784. are writers.

785. So we decided to play to our

786. strengths and make a poster.

787. What tells a person about a

788. movie better than a picture of

789. what the movie is?

790. What are your thoughts?

791. Uh, what are my thoughts?

792. My thoughts are, "That's

793. brilliant."

794. I think it's cool.

795. Cut!

796. Huh?

797. What are you doing?

798. Oh, shit, were you guys

799. rolling on that?

800. Yes, we were rolling on that.

801. Do not talk on your phone during

802. the shot, okay?

803. And you, ma'am?

804. Oh, me?

805. Do not roll over during the

806. shot.

807. Oh, I know.

808. But, you know what, I thought

809. about it.

810. I feel like it's better if I'm

811. right side up.

812. Back over.

813. "Back over."

814. Face down on the hot cement.

815. Let's roll it again, people.

816. Yeah, again!

817. Brains...

818. Brains...

819. Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

820. Cut! Cut!

821. What the hell are you doing?

822. Huh?

823. Why are you saying "brains"?

824. Oh, 'cause it's a zombie

825. movie.

826. It's like the Shyamalan twist.

827. I figured it out.

828. This is not a zombie movie.

829. It's a movie about Serbian

830. genocide.

831. Really? Huh...

832. You, sir!

833. Yes, sir, your phone— it's

834. ringing!

835. Oh, yeah.

836. No, I know, but listen, man.

837. If you don't let me answer it

838. and solve my boys' problems,

839. then the phone's going to ring.

840. You can't have it both ways.

841. Can I talk or not?

842. him on that one, buddy.

843. Yeah, I've got to agree with

844. I mean, you're not being very

845. clear; which is it?

846. Turn your phone off!

847. You, miss— don't improvise!

848. Let's go!

849. Okay, you know what?

850. I've had about enough of you

851. dicking me around all day, okay?

852. Where is M. Night?

853. I have questions for him.

854. Oh, no. Mr. Shyamalan isn't

855. directing this unit.

856. This is a simple pickup shot.

857. Hold on a second.

858. Hold on a second.

859. Where the hell is M. Night?

860. He's not here?

861. No.

862. What the hell's going on

863. here?

864. Well, he won't get off his

865. phone, for starters.

866. Give me your phone, Dennis.

867. What?

868. Give me your phone.

869. I heard that.

870. No, I'll tell you exactly

871. what's going on.

872. This guy has been treating me

873. like a dick wad all day long,

874. and I don't appreciate it.

875. All right, I'm going to fix

876. it, hon.

877. Thank you.

878. Fire both of them and I'll

879. take their spot.

880. What?

881. Done. You're both fired.

882. What— hold on a second.

883. What are you talking about,

884. Frank?

885. Being an agent is crap.

886. I want to be an extra, lay

887. around doing dick.

888. Great. Both of you, get your

889. shit out of the tent.

890. Get out of here.

891. All right, fine.

892. Hey, give me my phone back,

893. Frank.

894. Just to be clear, pal, I don't

895. care about any of this.

896. I got my own thing going on,

897. so...

898. I just gave you the old

899. Shyamalan twist.

900. Ah, maybe you did, maybe you

901. didn't, but I'll tell you what.

902. I don't care, either.

903. All right, what do I do?

904. Hey-oh!

905. Hey! Where is he, dude?

906. Where's Night?

907. We got it! We got it!

908. Dude! Dude, we totally got

909. it.

910. Brace yourself! Brace yourself!

911. Crime Stinks: The Smell of

912. Penetration.

913. He "Nose" the Truth.

914. Oh, okay.

915. Get it?

916. Yeah, I get it.

917. You get it?

918. Yeah, I, I get it.

919. Now, there is a lot going on

920. there with Dolph.

921. We had to make some artistic

922. compromises; I think we're good

923. with the body.

924. Yeah, but it's a lovable

925. character, it's a lovable guy.

926. You know, these are good

927. compromises.

928. Bottom line— M. Night's going

929. to love it, so where is he?

930. Yeah.

931. Night, uh, well...

932. Oh, he's not here.

933. Jesus Christ, Dee, what

934. happened to you?

935. He brought in a B-team or

936. something like that, covered me

937. all in blood.

938. ThatSlumdogbastard twisted all

939. of us!

940. Oh, shit, dude, we need him

941. to execute our script.

942. Yeah.

943. Actually, you guys don't need

944. Shyamalan to execute your

945. script.

946. Because I've got the mother of

947. all Shyamalan twists in my hand

948. right here.

949. You see, you think I've just

950. been playing with my phone the

951. whole time, but you're wrong.

952. I've been writing a little movie

953. script of my own.

954. And I finished it right before

955. you guys called.

956. It's a horror movie about two

957. men trapped in a garage

958. stairwell, who get hunted down

959. by a psychotic homeless

960. killer...

961. who turns out to be a security

962. guard instead.

963. That's our story, dude.

964. Damn right it's your story,

965. and that's why you two guys are

966. going to be attached as

967. producers.

968. Nice, baby!

969. Producers! All right!

970. I feel like— I'm a natural-born

971. producer.

972. I love showbiz, dude.

973. Guys, can I be in it?

974. Uh, you know, normally, Dee,

975. I would take this opportunity to

976. insult you, but I'm going to

977. throw an insane twist your way.

978. You're going to be the lead of

979. the film.

980. I am, really?

981. No, you're not.

982. Twisted again.

983. Boom! Try and keep up.

984. Lot of twists.

985. Lot of twists in this thing, so

986. try and keep up.

987. There's so many twists, I

988. can't even follow it.

989. It's tough to follow.

990. All right, I'm going to pull

991. up the first scene right now so

992. you guys can get a little taste

993. of what else is going on in this

994. film; it's really good.

995. Yeah, lay us on it.

996. Lay us on it.

997. For some reason, the phone is

998. frozen and I'm having a little

999. trouble pulling up the scene.

1000. It's frozen.

1001. And why is there grease all

1002. over...?

1003. Is this Frank's g...

1004. goddamn sausage grease?

1005. Frank, you froze my phone with

1006. your sausage greasy fingers!

1007. Frank, you son of a bitch!

1008. Cut! Cut!

1009. For the love of Christ!