It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 5x10

1. So how many restraining

2. orders does the waitress have on you?

3. Oh, a lot, dude.

4. I mean, she's been irritated

5. with me, and she's, like, "You got me fired from the Oldies Rock Cafe.

6. You're gonna get me fired from

7. the coffee shop."

8. This is incredible.

9. You got to listen to this message.

10. Come here.

11. Seriously, this chick is so in is so in love with me

12. it's crazy.

13. Hi, Dennis, it's Caleigh.

14. I was just calling to let you

15. know that I hope you die!

16. You are obviously a terrible

17. person with no regard for anyone

18. but yourself.

19. I never ever want to see you

20. again, you steaming pile of horseshit!

21. Go to hell!

22. Bro, that's amazing.

23. That's, that's the best one yet.

24. It's a really good one,

25. isn't it?

26. What are you

27. talking about?

28. She hates your guts.

29. Dee, this chick is so in love

30. with me, she doesn't even know it.

31. They don't get it because

32. you haven't explained it to them, bro.

33. Oh, guys, I have a system,

34. a foolproof system for getting

35. any chick's undying love and devotion for life.

36. What the hell are you talking about, dude?

37. I'm talking about

38. the DENNIS System.

39. Ladies and gentlemen,

40. the DENNIS System is a

41. comprehensive approach to

42. seduction that I have perfected

43. over the years.

44. See, my success with women does

45. not solely stem from my good

46. looks and my charm.

47. There is a careful systemic

48. approach that has allowed me

49. to become the playboy that

50. I am today.

51. A playboy?

52. Is that how you see yourself?

53. Yes.

54. He has banged a lot

55. of chicks.

56. You know, just shut up, Dee.

57. Just shut up.

58. Now, the first step to any

59. erotic conquest is to D:

60. "Demonstrate Your Value."

61. In this most recent case,

62. my subject was Caleigh,

63. a cute pharmacist.

64. I demonstrated my value to her

65. by filling a prescription.

66. I told her, "It's for my

67. grandmother; she's quite ill,"

68. thus demonstrating my value as

69. a loving grandson and all-around

70. great guy.

71. You're forging

72. prescriptions now?

73. That's the easy part, Dee.

74. I would have gone in

75. and bought a box of Magnum

76. condoms, thus demonstrating that

77. I have a monster dong.

78. Right. That comes off a

79. little bit desperate, Frank.

80. Now if you want to have a Magnum

81. condom peeking out of your

82. wallet when you go to pay,

83. that's a different story.

84. Now let's move on.

85. Once you've demonstrated your

86. value, you are going to want to

87. ask her out.

88. Once you've asked her out...

89. you move on to E:

90. "Engage Physically."

91. I personally try to engage the

92. girl physically without ever

93. going on the date, which to me

94. is really just a waste of time

95. and money.

96. I'll tell her I know this great

97. little restaurant that doesn't

98. take reservations.

99. That makes it sound cool, makes

100. it sound exclusive.

101. And then we get to the

102. restaurant; the restaurant

103. is closed, as of course,

104. it always is on Sundays.

105. So I'll feign surprise and say

106. something along the lines of,

107. "Well, I guess we could grab

108. a pizza and watch a movie at

109. my place."

110. That's where I come in.

111. Oh, you're a part of this?

112. Oh, yeah, Mac has a very

113. special place in my system.

114. Yeah, you see, I'm on the

115. couch when they come in and

116. ask to be alone.

117. And I say, "I can't go into my

118. room because I found a black

119. widow spider in there."

120. And then Dennis fires back that

121. he wants some privacy so they

122. can get to know each other

123. more better.

124. And then I say... Oh, well,

125. I guess we could always eat the

126. pizza on my bed and watch the

127. DVD in my room.

128. And once we're on my bed,

129. it is game over.

130. I engage her physically,

131. and the sexual waltz begins.

132. The pizza's good.

133. You're the one that's good.

134. Smooth! Very, very smooth

135. stuff, very classy.

136. I'm learning a lot from you

137. right now, dude.

138. Okay. Now, once you've had

139. sex with the woman, she will

140. naturally start to depend on

141. you, okay?

142. All women do this.

143. They certainly do.

144. You got that right.

145. Sex with women.

146. Once you bang 'em...

147. Like that.

148. Right, right.

149. Which brings me to the first N:

150. "Nurturing dependence."

151. You're gonna want to nurture

152. that dependence that she's

153. feeling on you now, guys.

154. Have her car towed.

155. Or you can slash her tires.

156. Either way, make her depend on

157. you for rides.

158. Or you can use my personal

159. go-to, which is to create a

160. fictional angry neighbor who's

161. threatening her and tell her

162. you'll take care of him.

163. Hit up a pay phone so that she

164. can't trace the calls back

165. to you.

166. Give her a call and say

167. something along the lines of...

168. I'm watching you, you bitch!

169. You're gonna die tonight!

170. Oh, for Christ's sake,

171. you're a complete sociopath!

172. Don't interrupt, okay?

173. Now, if you completed all the

174. other steps properly up to this

175. point, she'll naturally want

176. to take the relationship to

177. the next level, but you're not

178. gonna do that.

179. You're gonna do the exact

180. pull back, guys.

181. Pull back.

182. Which brings me to the second N:

183. "Neglect Emotionally."

184. Stop taking her phone calls.

185. Cancel all your plans.

186. Maybe that fictional angry

187. neighbor that you've simulated

188. comes back, and this time you're

189. not around to cool him off.

190. Hello?

191. Welcome to hell!

192. This will frighten the shit

193. out of her, okay, and she'll

194. start getting really mixed up

195. because you're not there to

196. protect her.

197. She'll start questioning her

198. self-worth, start questioning

199. her self-esteem.

200. And that's the perfect time to

201. I: "Inspire Hope."

202. In Caleigh's case, I went to her

203. window and I screamed...

204. Caleigh, listen, listen, wait.

205. I want to tell you that the

206. reason I was distant is because

207. I was afraid you that were gonna

208. break my heart,

209. and I got scared.

210. But I'm not scared anymore,

211. baby.

212. I love you.

213. I need you.

214. And then naturally, we bang.

215. And this is the best bang of

216. all because it's very emotional

217. for her.

218. You see, she thinks she's broken

219. through my tough exterior and

220. coerced affection from a man

221. who is afraid to love.

222. And then I slink out into

223. the night, never to talk

224. to her again.

225. Separate Entirely.

226. Yes, Mac, that's right.

227. S: "Separate Entirely."

228. D-E-N-N-I-S.

229. The DENNIS System.

230. That, my friends, is the key

231. to winning any girl's heart.

232. Good stuff.

233. Better than I remember it.

234. Are you kidding me?

235. You are not winning their

236. hearts; you're torturing them,

237. and they end up hating you.

238. Actually, Dee, they end up

239. loving me more than they ever

240. thought was possible.

241. And you set it up so you can

242. get these chicks back at any time, huh?

243. That's exactly right, Charlie.

244. You're really picking up on this

245. I'm proud of you, bud.

246. Okay, there is no way that

247. girl is gonna come back to you

248. after what you just put her through

249. Oh, I could absolutely get

250. that girl back anytime I want.

251. I just choose not to.

252. I 100% guarantee you this

253. girl's finished with you.

254. Well, I take that as a

255. challenge, Dee, and I accept

256. that challenge.

257. I'll have her back by the end of

258. the day.

259. Yeah, Dee, you just don't get

260. it, okay?

261. This is what men do!

262. Yeah.

263. This is what men do!

264. This is men stuff!

265. Yeah!

266. Men stuff!

267. You're probably getting

268. DENNIS'd right now by that new

269. boyfriend of yours and you don't

270. even know it.

271. What boyfriend?

272. She don't have a boyfriend!

273. Yes, I do.

274. Ben— you know, the online

275. soldier that I met.

276. We're back together now, so...

277. What?

278. That dude wouldn't date you

279. after what you put him through.

280. Maybe he'd DENNIS you, but he

281. wouldn't date you.

282. He's not DENNISing me.

283. He's in the car right now.

284. I told him to wait for me.

285. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

286. So, wait, your guy has been

287. waiting out here the whole time

288. in the hot sun?

289. Yeah, I just told him to wait

290. for me.

291. He kind of just does whatever I

292. say.

293. It's pretty great.

294. Why'd you tell him to do it

295. with the windows up?

296. I know, the engine's not even on

297. That's just cruel.

298. I didn't. I didn't.

299. I just didn't tell him to do it

300. with the windows down.

301. He's not, you know, the

302. smartest, but...

303. Dee, it's, like, 100 degrees

304. outside.

305. I'm assuming that he has

306. engaged you physically?

307. Well, I mean, of course we've

308. engaged physically.

309. Look at that body.

310. It is stupid.

311. Of course we've engaged over and

312. over physically.

313. But that doesn't mean that he's

314. pulling some sort of a system.

315. Hey, guys.

316. Hey, Dee.

317. I didn't see you there.

318. Are you almost done?

319. Yeah, yeah.

320. I just, I got caught up in a

321. story.

322. But I'll be done pretty soon.

323. Oh, oh, okay.

324. Well, do you want me to come in?

325. No! No, I don't, no.

326. You just, you just stay where

327. you are and...

328. You know what, I'll text you

329. when I'm wrapping up, and then

330. you can crank the A.C., cool the

331. car off for me.

332. Sure thing.

333. Okay.

334. See you, fellas.

335. Okay.

336. We'll see you, man.

337. Dee, you're getting played.

338. You're getting played

339. big-time.

340. He's not doing...

341. Big-time!

342. anything.

343. He's just— I told him to sit...

344. And there you go.

345. Good to see you.

346. See you soon.

347. Bye.

348. Hey, Caleigh.

349. What do you want?

350. Listen, before you say

351. anything, I just want to say

352. that I'm really sorry for

353. everything that went down

354. between us.

355. It's all my fault.

356. Nana took a turn for the worst,

357. and it's got me in a really bad

358. place.

359. I just... I don't know what

360. I would do if she died.

361. I don't think your

362. grandmother exists, Dennis.

363. I beg your pardon.

364. Uh, yeah, I looked into it;

365. there's no, um, uh, Dr. Toboggan

366. in Philadelphia either.

367. Oh, no, yeah.

368. He doesn't...

369. He's not based in Philly.

370. Oh, no?

371. No, it says "Philadelphia" right

372. there.

373. Oh.

374. Yeah, no, that... I'm gonna call

375. him because if he's still

376. giving people prescriptions on

377. that pad, those people could get

378. in a lot of trouble.

379. Oh!

380. Whoa.

381. W-What the hell are you doing

382. here?

383. I'm swooping in on your

384. chick.

385. What? No, dude.

386. I'm trying to re-DENNIS this

387. chick, so I can shove it in

388. Dee's face.

389. What, uh, what is this swooping

390. in business?

391. Oh, that's my system—

392. the MAC.

393. "Move in After Completion."

394. I wait till you're done with

395. them, and then I swoop in, give

396. them a shoulder to cry on, and

397. then we hump.

398. Oh, you've been humping these

399. girls after I'm done with them?

400. Oh, yeah, dude.

401. I come in as the sensitive

402. intellectual type.

403. Why do you think I'm always

404. reading books and shit when we

405. do the spider routine?

406. I thought you were just my

407. wingman though.

408. No, no, I'm swimming in your

409. wake.

410. Hey, what are you two

411. dickheads doing here?

412. What are you doing here?

413. What do you mean?

414. I'm here for the scraps.

415. Frank, I haven't had a chance

416. to get in there yet, okay?

417. So just...

418. What's taking you so long?

419. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

420. What, you have a system where

421. you come in after Mac?

422. That's right.

423. I come in after Mac.

424. But he's taking, like, forever

425. this time.

426. I got my Magnum condoms.

427. I got my wad of hundreds.

428. I'm ready to plow.

429. You should see him feast.

430. He's like a mantis.

431. It's amazing.

432. Oh, that's good.

433. Call me that from now on.

434. Mantis.

435. No, nobody's calling you

436. Man...

437. Look, you guys got to back off,

438. okay?

439. I'm trying to re-DENNIS this

440. chick.

441. No, you back off.

442. Wait-wait a second, Frank.

443. He's right.

444. It's a delicate ecosystem.

445. We got to...

446. we got to stick with it.

447. Just let him do his thing, and

448. then we'll come in for seconds

449. and scraps.

450. Get out...

451. Just play it cool.

452. before she sees you.

453. Hurry up though, because...

454. Magnum condoms and a wad of

455. hundreds.

456. Idiot.

457. This is so exciting.

458. You're gonna love this.

459. Okay, just stop right there.

460. Okay, and off with the...

461. Okay, here we are!

462. I set up a picnic for us!

463. What the hell are you doing?

464. What...? I-I set up a picnic.

465. Do you, do you not like picnics?

466. Okay, all right, I know

467. what's going on.

468. I-I'm onto you, guy.

469. You bring me out here to some

470. landfill in the middle of

471. nowhere.

472. You blindfold me so I have no

473. idea where I am.

474. I'm gonna depend on you to get

475. home...

476. Dee, do you want to go?

477. Yeah, oh, yeah!

478. I want to go, but not with you.

479. I'll go all by myself.

480. I'll take the bus.

481. And I'll also take this.

482. Thank you.

483. Well, here.

484. Do you want a glass?

485. No, stop it!

486. What... do you need bus fare?

487. I don't need bus fare.

488. I'm not sure the bus comes

489. out here anyway.

490. Okay, I'll walk then, okay?

491. What...? In your heels?

492. They're very nice.

493. Here, take my boots!

494. Stop it!

495. Stop trying to make me depend on

496. you, okay?

497. I'm fine all by myself, buddy.

498. I'm doing just fine by myself.

499. Oh, my God!

500. Are you okay?

501. I'm fine!

502. Well, just, look, just stay

503. there.

504. I'm gonna come down to help.

505. Leave me alone!

506. I won't give you the

507. satisfaction!

508. I'm fine!

509. I'm independent.

510. What...?

511. I-I don't need you!

512. Wait...

513. I don't need anybody!

514. Where you going?

515. Shut up!

516. Oh, what the hell?

517. Oh, what the hell, Charlie?

518. Hey!

519. Look who's home.

520. Uh, well, hang on a second.

521. What you doing there?

522. Oh, I'm calling the police.

523. Uh, no!

524. Uh, you don't have to call the

525. police.

526. Check it out.

527. I'm here just to fix your

528. garbage disposal.

529. Is that a bag of hair in your

530. hand, Charlie?

531. Ah...

532. Have you been breaking into

533. my apartment and shoving hair in

534. my sink?

535. Okay, okay.

536. Let's start over.

537. We're getting way off topic

538. here.

539. I would like you to focus on the

540. amount of value that I'm

541. demonstrating to you by fixing

542. your garbage disposal.

543. Will you just get the hell

544. out of my apartment?

545. Are you sure?

546. 'Cause your garbage disposal...

547. Pretty sure.

548. It's way worse than when I

549. got here.

550. I think you should get out.

551. All right.

552. I like this blouse you're

553. wearing; that's nice.

554. Is that new?

555. What is that?

556. It's modern, right?

557. This is my uniform that I

558. have to wear for my other job,

559. and it's ugly.

560. Well, now, it's not ugly.

561. It's just...

562. You know, it's unique.

563. So, what's this new job?

564. I work at the fair.

565. Working at the fair!

566. Well, look at us, you know?

567. I'm a plumber.

568. You're a fair worker.

569. They go well together, right?

570. Get out of my apartment.

571. Oh, all right.

572. I don't know.

573. I did everything right and I

574. can't get past the letter "D,"

575. dude.

576. Okay.

577. Well, what did you do, exactly?

578. I broke into her place.

579. I ripped her sink apart.

580. I brought a bag of hair.

581. You know what I mean?

582. And I come across looking like

583. a total jerk.

584. Yeah, of course, because

585. nothing that you just described

586. sounds correct.

587. These are totally the type of

588. things...

589. You were talking about slashing

590. a girl's tires and doing scary

591. voices.

592. Do you know anything about

593. plumbing?

594. Uh, no.

595. Maybe it's just over my head,

596. this system.

597. You know, maybe I should just

598. stick to stalking.

599. No.

600. Maybe that's my system.

601. She got a job at the fair.

602. It could be fun to stalk her at

603. a fair.

604. Jesus Christ on the cross.

605. You look like shit.

606. Yeah.

607. Yeah, that's 'cause I spent the

608. night in the woods, trying to

609. demonstrate my independence.

610. Okay, clearly, none of you

611. have any idea how to run my

612. system.

613. Goddamn...

614. All right, I'm going to get

615. everybody what they want,

616. including myself.

617. Let me just think for a second.

618. Let me just work something out

619. here and, um...

620. Whoa.

621. What's he doing?

622. Just shut up and let him work.

623. We're going to the fair.

624. That will provide the perfect

625. setting for all of our needs to

626. be met.

627. Charlie, you'll demonstrate your

628. value to the waitress by winning

629. a prize at her booth.

630. Good, dude, then I give her

631. the prize and that's good.

632. Mm-mm.

633. No, that's dead wrong, actually.

634. You're going to take the prize

635. and award it to the bustiest

636. woman you can find.

637. Okay, your indifference to the

638. waitress will only make you

639. more attractive to her.

640. Oh.

641. Now, Dee, because of your

642. ridiculous missteps, you

643. actually have no value, so your

644. only hope is to lower Ben's

645. value.

646. You're going to do this by

647. flirting with a carny in front

648. of him.

649. Oh, gosh, yeah.

650. I don't know if I want to deal

651. with a carny.

652. No, no one likes dealing with

653. carnies and that's why Frank

654. will pose as one.

655. Now, Mac, you're the final piece

656. in this puzzle.

657. I need you to resume your role

658. as the thoughtful roommate and

659. invite Caleigh out to the fair.

660. There, I shall be waiting to win

661. back her heart.

662. How you going to do that?

663. I got to get myself a

664. grandmother.

665. What's happening?

666. What's happening is we're at

667. the fair, Gladys, and you're

668. going to act like my grandma,

669. okay?

670. My grandmother had an affair

671. with Susan B. Anthony.

672. I don't give a shit.

673. Look, paying you not to talk,

674. all right?

675. So...

676. Well, hello.

677. This is a coincidence, huh?

678. No, it's not.

679. No, it's not, but it's

680. exciting, isn't it?

681. So, uh, what game do we have

682. here?

683. What game is this?

684. "Speed Pitch."

685. That's all you do?

686. You throw a pitch?

687. I mean, what prizes are there?

688. There are no prizes, Charlie.

689. It's just to see, "How fast can

690. you throw?"

691. Oh, well, then, I guess I'll

692. demonstrate my value to you by

693. firing off a wicked hot

694. fastball, huh?

695. You know this game is for

696. children, right?

697. I don't care it's for kids.

698. All right?

699. Let me demonstrate my value to you

700. Please.

701. When I was little, all the

702. kids would beat me up and call

703. me "bookworm."

704. Right this way, Nana.

705. Kids are so brutal.

706. Oh.

707. Hi, Mac.

708. Caleigh.

709. I didn't see you there.

710. What are you doing here?

711. This is my nana.

712. She's-She's on the mend, so I

713. wanted to get her out of the

714. house.

715. This is your grandmother?

716. Oh, yeah.

717. Yeah, this is Nana.

718. Yeah, isn't she precious?

719. My grandmother was a lesbian.

720. Well?

721. How's it look?

722. It's great.

723. You look like a lizard.

724. I like turtles.

725. Okay.

726. Ooh, look, a carny.

727. Frank.

728. Hey, Frank.

729. Ooh.

730. What are you doing?

731. Lose the tie.

732. You're way overdressed.

733. I got a new angle.

734. What?

735. Leave us alone.

736. Yeah, but listen.

737. Just listen to me for one

738. second, okay?

739. Dennis, I've been looking all

740. over for you!

741. Where you been?

742. Hello.

743. Dr. Toboggan.

744. Nice to meet you.

745. Thank you.

746. Frank, what the hell are you

747. doing?

748. Uh, actually, it's Mantis.

749. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

750. I got your test results.

751. You're positive.

752. You got the HIV.

753. Yes, AIDS, big-time.

754. Dennis, what are you...?

755. You got the AIDS, big-time.

756. What are you doing, dude?

757. Did you see her face?

758. Look at her. Look at her.

759. I'm breaking her down.

760. I'm making her feel worthless.

761. You see?

762. She thinks she's got the HIV.

763. And I slip in.

764. Get it?

765. There's an order here, dude.

766. Get back in line.

767. No more thirds for Frankie.

768. Seconds from now on.

769. All right!

770. That was all right.

771. 15.

772. 15.

773. It's cause I'm getting tired.

774. All right?

775. My arm's blown out.

776. Hey, "Speed Pitch."

777. You want to play?

778. Okay.

779. Oh, hey, wait, wait.

780. Hey, guy.

781. You work here?

782. Yeah.

783. Yeah?

784. Oh, shit, Ben.

785. Look, a carny.

786. Hey.

787. So, I wonder if there's a

788. kissing booth anywhere close.

789. 64.

790. Ow! Ow!

791. Oh, you stabbed me!

792. He stabbed me with a key!

793. Someone!

794. Someone call a doctor!

795. Ow!

796. You idiot!

797. Why would you stab me?

798. I was flirting with you.

799. That guy paid me to.

800. You weren't supposed to stab

801. her, man.

802. You were supposed to stab her!

803. What?

804. You want to have me stabbed?

805. I was going to protect you

806. from the stabbing.

807. Wrong! Wrong!

808. Wrong!

809. Wrong!

810. You're supposed to let her get

811. stabbed, hope that it hits a

812. main artery, and then, as she's

813. dying, you nurse her back to

814. health, thereby making her

815. totally dependent on you.

816. Oh...

817. See, this is why nobody

818. should be going off my system.

819. What do you mean, "off your

820. system"?

821. My system of seduction that I

822. used to win your heart that

823. these idiots are ruining right

824. now.

825. Ben's the only one who's using

826. it properly.

827. Ben, please explain how the

828. system works.

829. I don't know what you're

830. talking about.

831. Are you telling me you had

832. your face painted like a goddamn

833. frog person and you have no

834. ulterior motive here?

835. I'm a lizard.

836. Ooh, whoops.

837. Ooh.

838. I dropped my monster condom that

839. I use for my magnum dong.

840. I'm out of here.

841. No.

842. I'll give you a ride.

843. Thank you.

844. What?

845. What are you doing?

846. I'm leaving.

847. Dee, I don't like you.

848. Well, how is that possible?

849. You're a mean person.

850. Ah, well...

851. Oh, you wou...

852. You go!

853. You get out of here!

854. Way to go, jerks.

855. Good job.

856. Yeah, you know, "way to go,"

857. to you.

858. You work in a fair, carny.

859. All right, don't call her a

860. carny.

861. I don't need you to take up

862. for me.

863. Get out of here.

864. Shut up!

865. Just go!

866. Yeah, yeah.

867. You goddamn idiots ruining

868. my system.

869. Everybody ruins my system.

870. Nobody gets it.

871. System, my ass.

872. I hate carnivals.

873. I need a ride.