1. So, how many restraining orders
does the waitress have on you?
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2. A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.
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3. "You got me fired from the
Oldies Rock Café. Guys.
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4. You're gonna get me fired from the coffee shop.
" This is incredible.
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5. Listen to this message. Come here.
This chick is so in love with me, it's crazy.
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6. Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.
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7. I was just calling to let you
know that I hope you die!
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8. You are obviously a terrible person
with no regard for anyone but yourself!
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9. I never, ever want to see you again,
you steaming pile of horseshit!
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10. Go to hell!
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11. Whoa, that's amazing. That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.
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12. What?
She hates your guts.
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13. Dee, this chick is so in love with
me, she doesn't even know it.
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14. They don't get it because you
haven't explained it to them, bro.
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15. Oh, guys, I have a system,
a foolproof system...
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16. for getting any chick's undying
love and devotion for life.
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17. What the hell are you
talking about, dude?
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18. I'm talking about
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
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19. Ladies and gentlemen,
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...
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20. is a comprehensive approach to seduction
that I have perfected over the years.
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21. See, my success with women does not solely
stem from my good looks and my charm.
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22. There is a careful,
systemic approach...
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23. that has allowed me to become
the playboy that I am today.
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24. - A playboy?
Is that how you see yourself? - Yes.
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25. He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.
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26. Now, the first step to any erotic conquest
is to "D"- demonstrate your value.
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27. In this most recent case my subject
was Caylee, a cute pharmacist.
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28. I demonstrated my value
to her by filling a prescription.
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29. I told her, "It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill."
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30. Thus demonstrating my value as a loving
grandson and an all-around great guy.
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31. - You're forging prescriptions now?
- That's the easy part, Dee.
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32. I would've gone in and bought
a box of magnum condoms,
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33. thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong.
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34. Right. That comes of
a little bit desperate, Frank.
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35. Now, if you want to have a magnum condom
peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay,
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36. that's a different story.
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37. - Oh, yeah.
- Now let's move on.
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38. Once you've demonstrated your value,
you are going to want to ask her out.
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39. Once you've asked her out,
you move on to "E."
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40. "Engage physically."
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41. I personally try to engage the girl
physically without ever going on the date,
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42. which to me is really
just a waste of time and money.
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43. I'll tell her I know this great little
restaurant that doesn't take reservations.
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44. That makes it sound cool,
makes it sound exclusive.
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45. And then when we get to the
restaurant, the restaurant is closed,
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46. as, of course,
it always is on Sundays.
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47. So I'll feign surprise and say
something along the lines of,
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48. "I guess we could grab a pizza
and watch a movie at my place."
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49. That's where I come in.
Oh, you're a part of this?
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50. Oh, yeah. Mac has a very
special place in my system.
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51. Yeah. You see, I'm on the couch when
they come in and ask to be alone.
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52. - Then I say— I can't go in my room.
I found a black widow spider in there.
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53. Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy so
that they can get to know each other better.
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54. - And then I say— Oh.
Well, I guess we could eat the pizza on my bed...
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55. and watch the DVD in my room.
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56. And once we're on my bed,
it is game over.
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57. I engage her physically
and the sexual waltz begins.
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58. Pizza's good.
You're the one that's good.
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59. Smooth! Very- Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.
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60. I'm learning a lot from
you right now, dude.
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61. Okay. Now, once you've had sex with a woman, she
will naturally start to depend on you. Okay?
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62. All women do this.
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63. They certainly do.
You got that right.
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64. Sex with women!
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65. Once you bang 'em,
you know- Like that.
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66. Right. Right.
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67. Which brings me
to the first "N."
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68. "Nurturing Dependence."
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69. You're gonna want to nurture that dependence
that she's feeling on you now, guys.
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70. Have her car towed.
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71. Or you can slash her tires.
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72. Either way, make her
depend on you for rides.
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73. Or you can use
my personal go-to,
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74. which is to create a fictional, angry
neighbor who is threatening her...
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75. and tell her
you'll take care of him.
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76. Hit up a pay phone so that she
can't trace the calls back to you.
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77. Give her a call and say
something along the lines of...
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78. I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight!
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79. Oh, for Christ's sake!
You're a complete sociopath!
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80. Don't interrupt. Okay?
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81. Now, if you've completed all the other
steps properly up to this point,
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82. she'll naturally want to take the
relationship to the next level.
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83. But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do the exact opposite.
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84. Pull back, guys. Pull back.
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85. Which brings me to the second
"N,"Neglect Emotionally."
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86. You stop
taking her phone calls.
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87. Cancel all your plans.
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88. Maybe that fictional, angry neighbor
that you've simulated comes back,
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89. and this time you're not around
to cool him off.
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90. Hello?
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91. Welcome to hell!
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92. This will frighten
the shit out of her.
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93. Okay? And she'll start getting really mixed
up because you're not there to protect her.
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94. She'll start questioning
her self-worth,
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95. start questioning her-
her self-esteem.
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96. And that's the perfect time
to "I"...
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97. "Inspire Hope."
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98. In Caylee's case, I went to
her window and I screamed...
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99. Caylee, listen.
Listen. Wait.
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100. I want to tell you that the reason
I was distant is because...
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101. I was afraid that you were
gonna break my heart...
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102. and I got scared.
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103. But I'm not scared
anymore, baby.
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104. I love you. I need you.
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105. And then, naturally, we bang.
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106. And this is the best bang of all
because it's very emotional for her.
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107. You see, she thinks she's broken
through my tough exterior...
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108. and coerced affection from a
man who is afraid to love.
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109. And then I slink out
into the night,
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110. never to talk to her again.
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111. "Separate Entirely."
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112. Yes, Mac.
That's right.
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113. I "S"...
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114. "Separate Entirely."
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115. D-E-N-N-I-S.
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116. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
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117. That, my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart.
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118. Yeah! All right!
Good stuff.
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119. Better than I remember it.
Oh, good!
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120. Are you kidding me?
You are not winning their hearts.
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121. You're torturing them
and they end up hating you.
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122. Actually, Dee, they end up loving me more
than they ever thought was possible.
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123. And you set it up so you can get
these chicks back at any time?
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124. That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on this. I'm proud of you, bud.
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125. There is no way that girl is gonna come back
to you after what you just put her through.
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126. I could absolutely get that girl back
anytime I want. I just choose not to.
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127. I 100% guarantee you
this girl's finished with you.
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128. Well, I take that as a challenge,
Dee, and I accept that challenge.
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129. - I'll have her back by the end of the day.
- Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.
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130. This is what men do!
This is what men do! Yeah!
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131. This is man stuff, Dee!
Man stuff!
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132. Whee!
Man stuff!
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133. - This is what men-
- Yee-hoo!
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134. Aah-aah-aah!
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135. You're probably getting D.E.N.N.I.S.
'd right now by that new boyfriend of yours,
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136. and you don't even know it.
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137. What boyfriend? She don't have a boyfriend!
Yes, I do! Ben.
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138. You know, the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.
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139. What? That dude wouldn't date you
after what you put him through!
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140. Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you, but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!
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141. He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.
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142. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
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143. So, wait. Your guy has been waiting out
here the whole time in the hot sun?
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144. Yeah. I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say. It's pretty great.
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145. Why'd you tell him to do it with the windows up?
That's cruel. The engine's not even on.
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146. I didn't. I just didn't tell him to do it with
the windows down. He's not the smartest, but...
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147. Dee, it's, like,
100 degrees outside.
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148. I'm assuming that he has
engaged you physically?
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149. Well, I mean, of course
we've engaged physically.
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150. Look at that body.
It is stupid.
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151. Of course we've engaged
over and over physically.
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152. But that doesn't mean that he's
pulling some sort of a system.
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153. Hey, guys! Hey- Hey, Dee!
I didn't see you there. Are you almost done?
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154. Yeah. Yeah. I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.
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155. O-O-Okay. Well, do you
want me to come in?
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156. No. No, I don't. No.
You just- You just stay where you are.
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157. You know what? I'll text you
when I'm wrapping up.
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158. Then you can crank the A.C.
, cool the car off for me. Okay. Sure thing.
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159. See you, fellas. Okay.
Good. See you, man.
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160. Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played big time.
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161. He's not doing anything.
Big time!
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162. He's just- I told him to sit...
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163. And there you go. Good to see you.
See you soon. Bye.
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164. - Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want?
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165. Listen,
before you say anything,
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166. I just want to say that I'm really sorry
for everything that went down between us.
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167. It's all my fault.
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168. Nana took a turn for the worse,
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169. and it's got
me in a really bad place.
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170. I just...
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171. I don't know what I
would do if she died.
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172. I don't think your
grandmother exists, Dennis.
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173. I beg your pardon?
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174. Uh, yeah. I looked into it. There's no, um, Dr.
Toboggan in Philadelphia either.
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175. Oh. No- Yeah, he doesn't-
He's not based in Philly.
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176. Oh, no?
Yeah.
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177. No, it says Philadelphia right there.
Oh. Yeah- No, that...
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178. I'm gonna call him because if he's still
giving people prescriptions on that pad,
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179. those people could get
in a lot of trouble.
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180. Oh! Whoa!
What the hell are you doing here?
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181. I'm swooping in on your chick.
What? No.
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182. Dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick so I can shove it in Dee's face.
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183. What is this
"swooping in" business?
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184. Oh, that's my system. The M.A.C.
"Move-in After Completion."
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185. I wait till you're done
with them.
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186. Then I swoop in, give them shoulder
to cry on, and then we hump.
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187. You been humping these girls after
I'm done with them? Oh, yeah, dude.
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188. I come in as the sensitive,
intellectual type.
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189. Why do you think I'm always reading books
and shit when we do the spider routine?
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190. I thought you were just my
wing man though. No. No.
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191. I'm swimming in your wake.
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192. - What are you two dickheads doing here?
- What are you doing here?
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193. - I'm here for the scraps. - I haven't had a
chance to get in there yet, okay? So just...
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194. What's taking you so long?
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195. Wait, wait, wait! You have a system
where you come in after Mac?
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196. That's right. I come in after Mac.
But he's taking forever this time.
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197. I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.
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198. You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis. It's amazing.
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199. Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.
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200. Mantis.
No!
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201. Nobody's calling you Man-
Look, you guys gotta back off, okay?
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202. I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
This chick. No, you back off!
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203. Wait a second, Frank. He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.
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204. We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.
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205. Then we'll come in for seconds
and scraps. Back off.
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206. Get out.
Just play it cool.
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207. Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though, because...
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208. Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.
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209. This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.
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210. Okay, just stop
right there. Okay.
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211. And off with the-
Okay, here we are!
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212. I set up a picnic for us!
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213. What the hell are you doing?
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214. What- I- I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics?
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215. Okay. All right. I know what's going on.
I- I'm on to you, guy.
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216. You bring me out here to some
landfill in the middle of nowhere,
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217. you blindfold me
so I have no idea where I am...
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218. I'm gonna depend on you
to get home!
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219. Dee, do you want to go? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you!
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220. I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus. Okay.
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221. And I'll also take this. Thank you.
Here. Do you want a glass?
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222. No! Stop it!
Do you need bus fare?
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223. I don't need bus fare!
I'm not sure the bus comes out here anyway.
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224. - I'll walk then, okay?
- Wh- In your heels? They're very nice.
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225. - Here, take my boots. - Stop it!
Stop trying to make me depend on you, okay?
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226. I'm fine all by myself, buddy!
I'm doing just fine by myself.
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227. Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
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228. I'm fine!
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229. Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.
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230. Leave me alone!
I won't give you the satisfaction!
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231. I'm fine!
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232. - I'm independent, and I
don't need you! - Wait!
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233. I don't need anybody!
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234. Where are you going?
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235. Shut up!
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236. Oh, what the hell!
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237. - Oh, what the hell, Charlie!
- Oh, hey! Look who's home!
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238. Uh- Hang on a second. What you doing there?
I'm calling the police.
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239. Oh, no! You don't have to call the police.
Check it out.
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240. I'm here just to
fix your garbage disposal.
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241. Is that a bag of hair
in your hand, Charlie?
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242. Have you been breaking into my
apartment and shoving hair in my sink?
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243. Okay. Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way of topic here.
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244. I would like you to focus on the amount of
value that I am demonstrating to you...
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245. by fixing
your garbage disposal.
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246. Just get the hell
out of my apartment.
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247. Are you sure? 'Cause your garbage
disposal's a mess. Pretty sure.
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248. It's way worse than when I got here.
I think you should get out.
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249. All right. I like this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice. Is that new?
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250. What is that?
It's modern, right?
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251. This is my uniform that I have to
wear for my other job, and it's ugly.
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252. Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know- It's unique.
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253. So what's this new job?
I work at the fair.
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254. You're working at the fair!
Well, look at us, you know?
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255. I'm a plumber. You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right?
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256. Get out of my apartment.
Oh, all right.
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257. I don't know. I did everything right, and
I can't get past the letter "D," dude.
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258. - Well, what did you do exactly?
- I broke into her place.
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259. I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair. You know what I mean?
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260. And I come across looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.
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261. Because nothing that you just
described sounds correct.
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262. These are totally the type of things you
were talking about- slashing a girl's tires,
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263. doing scary voices.
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264. - Do you know anything about plumbing?
- Uh... no.
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265. Maybe it's just over my head, this system.
Maybe I should just stick to stalking.
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266. Maybe that's my system. She got a job at the fair.
It could be fun to stalk around a fair.
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267. Jesus Christ on the cross,
you look like shit.
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268. Yeah! That's 'cause I spent the night in the
woods trying to demonstrate my independence!
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269. Okay, clearly none of you have
any idea how to run my system!
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270. Goddamn- All right. I'm gonna get everybody
what they want, including myself.
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271. Let me just think for a second.
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272. Let me just work something
out here and then... we'll...
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273. What's he doing?
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274. Just shut up and let him work.
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275. We're going to the fair.
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276. Mmm!
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277. That will provide the perfect setting
for all of our needs to be met.
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278. You will demonstrate your value to the
waitress by winning a prize at her booth.
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279. Good, dude! Then I give her
the prize and that's good!
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280. No, that's dead wrong actually.
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281. You're gonna take the prize and award it
to the bustiest woman you can find. Okay?
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282. Your indifference to the waitress will
only make you more attractive to her.
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283. Now, Dee, because of your ridiculous
missteps, you actually have no value.
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284. Mm-hmm. So your only hope
is to lower Ben's value.
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285. You're gonna do this by flirting
with a carney in front of him.
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286. Oh, gosh, yeah, I don't know if
I want to deal with a carney.
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287. No one likes dealing with carneys, and
that's why Frank will pose as one.
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288. Now, Mac, you're
the final piece in this puzzle.
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289. I need you to resume your role as the thoughtful
roommate and invite Caylee out to the fair.
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290. There I shall be waiting
to win back her heart.
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291. - How you gonna do that?
- I gotta get myself a grandmother.
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292. What's happening?
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293. What's happening is,
we're at the fair, Gladys,
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294. and you're gonna act
like my grandma, okay?
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295. My grandmother had an affair
with Susan B. Anthony.
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296. I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.
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297. Well, hello!
This is a coincidence, huh?
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298. No, it's not. No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it?
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299. So, what game do we have here?
What game is this?
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300. Speed Pitch. That's all you do?
You throw a pitch?
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301. I mean, what prizes are there?
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302. There are no prizes, Charlie.
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303. It's just to see "how
fast can you throw." Oh!
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304. Then I guess I'll demonstrate my value to you
by firing off a wicked hot fastball, huh?
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305. You know this
game is for children, right?
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306. I don't care that it's for kids. All right?
Let me demonstrate my value to you. Please!
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307. When I was little, all the kids would
beat me up and call me Bookworm.
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308. - Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.
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309. Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.
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310. - What are you doing here?
- This is my nana.
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311. She's on the mend, so I wanted
to get her out of the house.
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312. - This is your grandmother? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This is Nana. Yeah. Isn't she precious?
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313. My grandmother was a lesbian.
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314. Well?
How does it look?
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315. It's great.
You look like a lizard.
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316. I like turtles.
Okay.
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317. Ooh, look! A carney!
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318. Lose the tie. You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.
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319. What? No, Dennis,
this does not change...
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320. Leave us alone. What? What?
Just listen to me for one second, okay?
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321. Dennis, I've been looking all over for you.
Where you been?
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322. Hello. Dr. Toboggan.
Nice to meet you. Hi.
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323. Frank, what are you doing?
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324. Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.D.
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325. I got your test results.
You're positive. You got the H.I.V.
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326. Yes, AIDS. Big time!
What the hell you talking about?
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327. Dennis, what- You got
the AIDS big time!
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328. What are you doing, dude?
Did you see her face? Look at her.
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329. I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her feel worthless. You see?
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330. She thinks she's got the H.
I.V. Then I slip in.
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331. No! No more thirds for Frankie!
Seconds from now on!
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332. All right!
That was rough!
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333. Fifteen.
Fifteen.
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334. It's 'cause I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.
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335. Hey, Speed Pitch. You want to play?
Okay.
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336. Oh! Hey, wait, wait. Hey, guy.
Do you work here?
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337. Yeah. Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look. A carney.
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338. Hey.
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339. So, I wonder if there's a kissing
booth anywhere close.
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340. Sixty-four!
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341. Ow! Ow!
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342. Ow, you stabbed me!
He stabbed me with a key!
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343. Will someone- someone
call a doctor! Ow!
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344. You idiot! Why would you stab me?
I was flirting with you!
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345. That guy paid me to.
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346. You weren't supposed to stab her, man!
You were supposed to stab her!
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347. What?
You want to have me stabbed?
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348. I was gonna protect you
from the stabbing.
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349. Wrong! Wrong!
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350. Wrong! Wrong!
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351. You're supposed to let her get stabbed,
hope that it hits a main artery,
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352. and then as she's dying
you nurse her back to health,
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353. thereby making her totally
dependent on you! Ohh!
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354. See, this is why nobody
should be going off my system!
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355. What do you mean,
"Off your system?"
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356. My system of seduction
that I used to win your heart,
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357. that these idiots
are ruining right now!
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358. Ben's the only one
who's using it properly.
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359. - Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
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360. You had your face painted like a goddamn frog
person and you have no ulterior motive here?
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361. - I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh!
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362. I dropped my monster condom
that I use for my magnum dong.
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363. I'm out of here.
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364. I'll give you a ride!
Thank you.
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365. What? What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
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366. Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that possible?
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367. You're a mean person.
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368. You know what?
You go! You get outta here!
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369. Way to go, jerks! Good job!
Yeah? Way to go to you.
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370. You work at a fair, carney!
Don't call her a carney, man.
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371. I don't need you to take up for me!
Get out of here!
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372. Shut up! Just go! Get outta here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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373. Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system! Nobody gets it!
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374. Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.
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375. I need a ride.
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376. Is there anybody out there
that could take me home?
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377. ENGLISH - US - PSDH
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