1. So, how many restraining orders
does the waitress have on you?
Copy !req
2. A lot, dude.
She's been irritated with me.
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3. "You got me fired from
the Oldies Rock Café.
Guys.
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4. You're gonna get me fired
from the coffee shop."
This is incredible.
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5. Listen to this message.
Come here. This chick is so
in love with me, it's crazy.
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6. Hi, Dennis, it's Caylee.
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7. I was just calling to let you
know that I hope you die!
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8. You are obviously
a terrible person with no regard
for anyone but yourself!
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9. I never, ever
want to see you again,
you steaming pile of horseshit!
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10. Go to hell!
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11. Bro, that's amazing.
That's the best one yet.
Yeah, it's a really good one.
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12. What?
She hates your guts.
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13. Dee, this chick
is so in love with me,
she doesn't even know it.
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14. They don't get it because
you haven't explained it
to them, bro.
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15. Oh, guys, I have a system,
a foolproof system...
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16. for getting any chick's
undying love and devotion
for life.
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17. What the hell are you
talking about, dude?
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18. I'm talking about
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
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19. Ladies and gentlemen,
the D.E.N.N.I.S. System...
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20. is a comprehensive approach
to seduction that I have
perfected over the years.
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21. See, my success with women
does not solely stem from
my good looks and my charm.
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22. There is a careful,
systemic approach...
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23. that has allowed me to become
the playboy that I am today.
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24. - A playboy? Is that
how you see yourself?
- Yes.
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25. He has banged a lot of chicks.
Just shut up, Dee. Shut up.
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26. Now, the first step to any
erotic conquest is to "D"...
demonstrate your value.
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27. In this most recent case
my subject was Caylee,
a cute pharmacist.
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28. I demonstrated my value to her
by filling a prescription.
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29. I told her,
"It's for my grandmother.
She's quite ill."
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30. Thus demonstrating my value
as a loving grandson
and an all-around great guy.
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31. - You're forging
prescriptions now?
- That's the easy part, Dee.
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32. I would've gone in
and bought a box
of magnum condoms,
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33. thus demonstrating that
I have a monster dong.
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34. Right. That comes off
a little bit desperate, Frank.
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35. Now, if you want to have
a magnum condom peeking out of
your wallet when you go to pay,
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36. that's a different story.
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37. Oh, yeah.
Now let's move on.
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38. Once you've demonstrated
your value, you are going to
want to ask her out.
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39. Once you've asked her out,
you move on to "E."
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40. "Engage physically."
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41. I personally try
to engage the girl physically
without ever going on the date,
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42. which to me is really
just a waste of time and money.
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43. I'll tell her I know
this great little restaurant
that doesn't take reservations.
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44. That makes it sound cool,
makes it sound exclusive.
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45. And then when we
get to the restaurant,
the restaurant is closed,
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46. as, of course,
it always is on Sundays.
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47. So I'll feign surprise
and say something
along the lines of,
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48. "I guess we could grab a pizza
and watch a movie at my place."
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49. That's where I come in.
Oh, you're
a part of this?
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50. Oh, yeah.
Mac has a very special place
in my system.
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51. Yeah. I'm on the couch
when they come in
and ask to be alone.
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52. Then I say I can't
go into my room because...
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53. I found a black widow
spider in there.
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54. Dennis fires back
that he wants some privacy...
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55. so that they can
get to know each other better.
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56. - And then I say...
- Oh. Well, I guess we could
eat the pizza on my bed...
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57. and watch the DVD in my room.
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58. And once we're on my bed,
it is game over.
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59. I engage her physically
and the sexual waltz begins.
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60. Pizza's good.
You're the one
that's good.
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61. Smooth! Very...
Very smooth stuff.
Very classy.
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62. I'm learning
a lot from you
right now, dude.
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63. Okay. Now, once you've had sex
with a woman, she will naturally
start to depend on you. Okay?
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64. All women do this.
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65. They certainly do.
You got that right.
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66. Sex with women!
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67. Once you bang 'em,
you know...
Like that.
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68. Right. Right.
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69. Which brings me
to the first "N."
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70. "Nurturing Dependence."
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71. You're gonna want to nurture
that dependence that she's
feeling on you now, guys.
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72. Have her car towed.
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73. Or you can slash her tires.
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74. Either way, make her
depend on you for rides.
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75. Or you can use
my personal go-to,
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76. which is to create
a fictional, angry neighbor
who is threatening her...
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77. and tell her
you'll take care of him.
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78. Hit up a pay phone
so that she can't
trace the calls back to you.
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79. Give her a call
and say something
along the lines of...
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80. I'm watching you, you bitch.
You're gonna die tonight!
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81. Oh, for Christ's sake!
You're a complete sociopath!
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82. Don't interrupt. Okay?
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83. Now, if you've completed
all the other steps properly
up to this point,
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84. she'll naturally want to
take the relationship
to the next level.
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85. But you're not gonna do that.
You're gonna do
the exact opposite.
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86. Pull back, guys.
Pull back.
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87. Which brings me
to the second "N,"
"Neglect Emotionally."
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88. You stop taking her phone calls.
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89. Cancel all your plans.
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90. Maybe that fictional,
angry neighbor that
you've simulated comes back,
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91. and this time you're not around
to cool him off.
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92. Hello?
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93. Welcome to hell!
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94. This will frighten
the shit out of her.
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95. Okay? And she'll start
getting really mixed up because
you're not there to protect her.
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96. She'll start questioning
her self-worth,
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97. start questioning her...
Her self-esteem.
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98. And that's the perfect time
to "I"...
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99. "Inspire Hope."
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100. In Caylee's case,
I went to her window
and I screamed...
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101. Caylee, listen.
Listen. Wait.
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102. I want to tell you
that the reason
I was distant is because...
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103. I was afraid
that you were gonna
break my heart...
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104. and I got scared.
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105. But I'm not scared
anymore, baby.
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106. I love you.
I need you.
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107. And then, naturally, we bang.
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108. And this is
the best bang of all because
it's very emotional for her.
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109. You see, she thinks
she's broken through
my tough exterior...
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110. and coerced affection
from a man who
is afraid to love.
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111. And then I slink out
into the night,
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112. never to talk to her again.
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113. "Separate Entirely."
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114. Yes, Mac.
That's right.
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115. I "S"...
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116. "Separate Entirely."
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117. D-E-N-N-I-S.
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118. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System.
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119. That, my friends, is the key
to winning any girl's heart.
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120. Yeah!
All right!
Good stuff.
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121. Better than I
remember it.
Oh, good!
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122. Are you kidding me? You are
not winning their hearts.
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123. You're torturing them
and they end up hating you.
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124. Actually, Dee,
they end up loving me more than
they ever thought was possible.
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125. And you set it up
so you can get these chicks
back at any time?
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126. That's exactly right, Charlie.
You're really picking up on
this. I'm proud of you, bud.
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127. There is no way that girl
is gonna come back to you after
what you just put her through.
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128. I could absolutely get
that girl back anytime I want.
I just choose not to.
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129. I 100% guarantee you
this girl's finished with you.
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130. Well, I take that
as a challenge, Dee,
and I accept that challenge.
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131. - I'll have her back
by the end of the day.
- Yeah. Dee, you don't get it.
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132. This is what men do!
This is what men do!
Yeah!
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133. This is man stuff, Dee!
Man stuff!
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134. Whee!
Man stuff!
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135. - This is what men...
- Yee-hoo!
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136. Aah-aah-aah!
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137. You're probably getting
D.E.N.N.I.S.'d right now
by that new boyfriend of yours,
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138. and you don't even know it.
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139. What boyfriend?
She don't have a boyfriend!
Yes, I do! Ben.
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140. You know,
the online soldier that I met.
We're back together now.
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141. What? That dude
wouldn't date you after
what you put him through!
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142. Maybe he'd D.E.N.N.I.S. you,
but he wouldn't date you.
He's not D.E.N.N.I.S.-ing me!
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143. He's in the car right now.
I told him to wait for me.
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144. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
What?
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145. So, wait. Your guy has been
waiting out here the whole time
in the hot sun?
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146. Yeah. I told him to wait for me.
He kinda does whatever I say.
It's pretty great.
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147. Why'd you tell him to do it with
the windows up? That's cruel.
The engine's not even on.
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148. I didn't. I just didn't tell him
to do it with the windows down.
He's not the smartest, but...
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149. Dee, it's, like,
100 degrees outside.
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150. I'm assuming that he has
engaged you physically?
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151. Well, I mean, of course
we've engaged physically.
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152. Look at that body.
It is stupid.
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153. Of course we've engaged
over and over physically.
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154. But that doesn't mean
that he's pulling
some sort of a system.
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155. Hey, guys! Hey... Hey, Dee!
I didn't see you there.
Are you almost done?
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156. Yeah. Yeah.
I got caught up in a story.
But I'll be done pretty soon.
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157. O-O-Okay. Well, do you
want me to come in?
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158. No. No, I don't. No.
You just... You just stay
where you are.
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159. You know what? I'll text you
when I'm wrapping up.
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160. Then you can crank the A.C.,
cool the car off for me. Okay.
Sure thing.
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161. See you, fellas.
Okay. Good.
See you, man.
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162. Dee, you're getting played.
You're getting played
big time.
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163. He's not
doing anything.
Big time!
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164. He's just... I told him to sit...
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165. And there you go.
Good to see you.
See you soon. Bye.
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166. - Hey, Caylee.
- What do you want?
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167. Listen, before you say anything,
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168. I just want to say that
I'm really sorry for everything
that went down between us.
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169. It's all my fault.
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170. Nana took a turn for the worse,
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171. and it's got me
in a really bad place.
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172. I just...
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173. I don't know
what I would do
if she died.
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174. I don't think
your grandmother exists,
Dennis.
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175. I beg your pardon?
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176. Uh, yeah. I looked into it.
There's no, um, Dr. Toboggan
in Philadelphia either.
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177. Oh. No... Yeah, he doesn't...
He's not based in Philly.
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178. Oh, no?
Yeah.
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179. No, it says Philadelphia
right there.
Oh. Yeah... No, that...
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180. I'm gonna call him because
if he's still giving people
prescriptions on that pad,
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181. those people could get
in a lot of trouble.
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182. Oh! Whoa!
What the hell
are you doing here?
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183. I'm swooping in
on your chick.
What? No.
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184. Dude, I'm trying to
re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick
so I can shove it in Dee's face.
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185. What is this
"swooping in" business?
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186. Oh, that's my system.
The M.A.C.
"Move-in After Completion."
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187. I wait till you're done
with them.
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188. Then I swoop in, give 'em
a shoulder to cry on,
and then we hump.
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189. You been humping these girls
after I'm done with them?
Oh, yeah, dude.
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190. I come in
as the sensitive,
intellectual type.
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191. Why do you think I'm always
reading books and shit
when we do the spider routine?
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192. I thought you were just
my wing man though.
No. No.
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193. I'm swimming in your wake.
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194. - What are you two dickheads
doing here?
- What are you doing here?
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195. - I'm here for the scraps.
- I haven't had a chance to get
in there yet, okay? So just...
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196. What's taking you so long?
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197. Wait, wait, wait!
You have a system
where you come in after Mac?
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198. That's right.
I come in after Mac. But he's
taking forever this time.
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199. I got my magnum condoms.
I got my wad of hundreds.
I'm ready to plow.
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200. You should see him feast.
He's like a mantis.
It's amazing.
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201. Oh, that's good.
Call me that from now on.
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202. Mantis.
No!
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203. Nobody's calling you Man...
Look, you guys gotta back off,
okay?
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204. I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S.
this chick.
No, you back off!
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205. Wait a second, Frank.
He's right.
It's a delicate ecosystem.
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206. We gotta stick with it.
Just let him do his thing.
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207. Then we'll come in
for seconds and scraps.
Back off.
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208. Get out.
Just play it cool.
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209. Before she sees you.
Hurry up, though,
because...
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210. Magnum condoms
and a wad of hundreds.
Idiot.
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211. This is so exciting.
You're gonna love this.
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212. Okay, just stop
right there. Okay.
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213. And off with the...
Okay, here we are!
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214. I set up a picnic for us!
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215. What the hell are you doing?
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216. What... I... I set up a picnic.
Do you not like picnics?
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217. Okay. All right.
I know what's going on.
I... I'm onto you, guy.
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218. You bring me out here
to some landfill
in the middle of nowhere,
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219. you blindfold me
so I have no idea where I am...
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220. I'm gonna depend on you
to get home!
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221. Dee, do you want to go?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I wanna go, but not with you!
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222. I'll go all by myself.
I'll take the bus.
Okay.
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223. And I'll also take this.
Thank you.
Here. Do you want a glass?
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224. No! Stop it!
Do you need bus fare?
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225. I don't need bus fare!
I'm not sure the bus
comes out here anyway.
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226. - I'll walk then, okay?
- Wh... In your heels?
They're very nice.
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227. - Here, take my boots.
- Stop it! Stop trying to
make me depend on you, okay?
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228. I'm fine all by myself, buddy!
I'm doing just fine by myself.
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229. Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
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230. I'm fine!
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231. Well, just stay there.
I'm gonna come down to help.
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232. Leave me alone!
I won't give you
the satisfaction!
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233. I'm fine!
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234. - I'm independent,
and I don't need you!
- Wait. Wait!
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235. I don't need anybody!
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236. Where are you going?
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237. Shut up!
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238. Oh, what the hell!
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239. - Oh, what the hell, Charlie!
- Oh, hey! Look who's home!
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240. Uh... Hang on a second.
What you doing there?
I'm calling the police.
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241. Oh, no! You don't
have to call the police.
Check it out.
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242. I'm here just to
fix your garbage disposal.
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243. Is that a bag of hair
in your hand, Charlie?
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244. Have you been
breaking into my apartment
and shoving hair in my sink?
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245. Okay. Okay! Let's start over.
We're getting way
off topic here.
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246. I would like you to focus
on the amount of value that
I am demonstrating to you...
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247. by fixing your garbage disposal.
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248. Just get the hell
out of my apartment.
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249. Are you sure? 'Cause your
garbage disposal's a mess.
Pretty sure.
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250. It's way worse
than when I got here.
I think you should get out.
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251. All right. I like
this blouse you're wearing.
That's nice. Is that new?
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252. What is that?
It's modern, right?
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253. This is my uniform that I have
to wear for my other job,
and it's ugly.
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254. Well, no, it's not ugly.
It's just, you know...
It's unique.
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255. So what's this new job?
I work at the fair.
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256. You're working at the fair!
Well, look at us, you know?
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257. I'm a plumber.
You're a fair worker.
They go well together, right?
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258. Get out
of my apartment.
Oh, all right.
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259. I don't know. I did everything
right, and I can't get
past the letter "D," dude.
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260. - Well, what did you do exactly?
- I broke into her place.
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261. I ripped her sink apart.
I brought a bag of hair.
You know what I mean?
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262. And I come across
looking like a total jerk.
Yeah, of course.
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263. Because nothing
that you just described
sounds correct.
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264. These are totally the type of
things you were talking about...
slashing a girl's tires,
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265. doing scary voices.
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266. - Do you know anything
about plumbing?
- Uh... no.
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267. Maybe it's just over my head,
this system. Maybe I should
just stick to stalking.
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268. Maybe that's my system. She got
a job at the fair. It could be
fun to stalk around a fair.
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269. Jesus Christ on the cross,
you look like shit.
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270. Yeah! That's 'cause I spent
the night in the woods trying
to demonstrate my independence!
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271. Okay, clearly
none of you have any idea
how to run my system!
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272. Goddamn... All right.
I'm gonna get everybody what
they want, including myself.
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273. Let me just think for a second.
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274. Let me just
work something out
here and then... we'll...
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275. Just shut up and let him work.
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276. We're going to the fair.
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277. Mmm!
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278. That will provide
the perfect setting for
all of our needs to be met.
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279. You will demonstrate your value
to the waitress by winning
a prize at her booth.
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280. Good, dude!
Then I give her the prize
and that's good!
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281. No, that's dead wrong actually.
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282. You're gonna take the prize and
award it to the bustiest woman
you can find. Okay?
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283. Your indifference
to the waitress will only
make you more attractive to her.
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284. Now, Dee, because of
your ridiculous missteps,
you actually have no value.
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285. Mm-hmm.
So your only hope
is to lower Ben's value.
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286. You're gonna do this
by flirting with a carney
in front of him.
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287. Oh, gosh, yeah,
I don't know if I want to
deal with a carney.
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288. No one likes dealing with
carneys, and that's why
Frank will pose as one.
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289. Now, Mac, you're
the final piece in this puzzle.
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290. I need you to resume your role
as the thoughtful roommate and
invite Caylee out to the fair.
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291. There I shall be waiting
to win back her heart.
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292. - How you gonna do that?
- I gotta get myself
a grandmother.
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293. What's happening?
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294. What's happening is,
we're at the fair, Gladys,
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295. and you're gonna act
like my grandma, okay?
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296. My grandmother had an affair
with Susan B. Anthony.
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297. I-I don't give a shit.
I'm paying you not to talk.
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298. Well, hello!
This is a coincidence, huh?
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299. No, it's not.
No, it's not.
But it's exciting, isn't it?
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300. So, what game
do we have here?
What game is this?
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301. Speed Pitch.
That's all you do?
You throw a pitch?
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302. I mean, what prizes are there?
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303. There are no prizes, Charlie.
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304. It's just to see
"how fast can you throw."
Oh!
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305. Then I guess I'll demonstrate
my value to you by firing off
a wicked hot fastball, huh?
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306. You know this game
is for children, right?
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307. I don't care that it's for kids.
All right? Let me demonstrate
my value to you. Please!
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308. When I was little,
all the kids would beat me up
and call me Bookworm.
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309. - Right this way, Nana.
- Kids are so brutal.
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310. Oh. Hi, Mac, Caylee.
I didn't see you there.
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311. - What are you doing here?
- This is my nana.
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312. She's on the mend,
so I wanted to get her
out of the house.
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313. - This is your grandmother?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is Nana.
Yeah. Isn't she precious?
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314. My grandmother was a lesbian.
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315. Well?
How does it look?
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316. It's great.
You look like a lizard.
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317. I like turtles.
Okay.
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318. Ooh, look! A carney!
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319. Lose the tie.
You're way overdressed.
I got a new angle.
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320. - What?
- No, Dennis, this does not change...
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321. Leave us alone. What?
Just listen to me
for one second, okay?
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322. Dennis, I've been
looking all over for you.
Where you been?
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323. Hello. Dr. Toboggan.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
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324. Frank, what are you doing?
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325. Actually, it's Mantis.
Mantis Toboggan, M.D.
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326. I got your test results.
You're positive.
You got the H.I.V.
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327. Yes, AIDS. Big time!
What the hell
you talking about?
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328. Dennis, what...
You got the AIDS
big time!
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329. What are you doing, dude?
Did you see her face?
Look at her.
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330. I'm breaking her down.
I'm making her
feel worthless. You see?
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331. She thinks
she's got the H.I.V.
Then I slip in.
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332. No!
No more thirds for Frankie!
Seconds from now on!
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333. All right! That was rough!
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334. - Fifteen.
- Fifteen.
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335. It's 'cause
I'm getting tired.
My arm's blown out.
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336. Hey, Speed Pitch.
Wanna play?
Okay.
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337. Oh! Hey, wait, wait.
Hey, guy.
Do you work here?
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338. Yeah.
Yeah! Oh, shit.
Ben, look. A carney.
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339. Hey.
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340. So, I wonder if there's
a kissing booth anywhere close.
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341. Sixty-four!
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342. Ow! Ow!
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343. Ow, you stabbed me!
He stabbed me with a key!
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344. Will someone...
someone call a doctor!
Ow!
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345. You idiot!
Why would you stab me?
I was flirting with you!
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346. That guy paid me to.
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347. You weren't supposed
to stab her, man! You were
supposed to stab her!
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348. What?
You want to have me stabbed?
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349. I was gonna protect you
from the stabbing.
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350. Wrong! Wrong!
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351. Wrong! Wrong!
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352. You're supposed to let her
get stabbed, hope that
it hits a main artery,
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353. and then as she's dying
you nurse her
back to health,
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354. thereby making her
totally dependent on you!
Ohh!
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355. See, this is why nobody
should be going off my system!
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356. What do you mean,
"Off your system?"
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357. My system of seduction
that I used to win your heart,
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358. that these idiots
are ruining right now!
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359. Ben's the only one
who's using it properly.
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360. - Ben, explain the system.
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
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361. You had your face painted like
a goddamn frog person and you
have no ulterior motive here?
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362. - I'm a lizard.
- Oh, whoops! Oh!
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363. I dropped my monster condom
that I use for my magnum dong.
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364. I'm out of here.
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365. I'll give you a ride!
Thank you.
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366. What?
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
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367. Dee, I don't like you.
Well, how is that
possible?
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368. You're a mean person.
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369. You know what?
You go! You get outta here!
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370. Way to go, jerks!
Good job!
Yeah? Way to go to you.
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371. You work at a fair,
carney!
Don't call her a carney, man.
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372. I don't need you
to take up for me!
Get out of here!
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373. Shut up! Just go!
Get outta here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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374. Idiots ruining my system.
Everybody ruins my system!
Nobody gets it!
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375. Oh, system, my ass.
I hate carnivals.
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376. I need a ride.
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377. Is there anybody out there
that could take me home?
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378. ENGLISH - US - LINE 21
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