It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4x5

1. Okay, so just to clarify for the parole board once again,

2. you are claiming that your father threatened...

3. to, quote, "Eat the living shit out of you."

4. Uh, that is correct.

5. And, Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police,

6. you've claimed that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote,

7. "Jam a bunch of stuff into your butt,

8. he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink."

9. And he was going to, quote,

10. "Eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink...

11. "until his stomach was full of...

12. your butts."

13. Is this correct?

14. That is also correct. Oh, man, I'm sorry.

15. Warden, they're lying. I do not wanna hurt them.

16. In fact, I wanna get as far away from those two...

17. as I possibly can.

18. Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor! He's lying.

19. Hey! hey, hey, hey, hey! Move to strike! Move to strike that!

20. Quiet! Sit down! Sit down!

21. Sit down. Get your hands off the microphone!

22. Well— Just leave it in the middle of the two of you.

23. Leave it alone! He said in the middle.

24. Take your hands off the mike! Leave it alone. That's not the middle.

25. Leave it there.

26. Yes.

27. A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.

28. I did not accept their apology.

29. That never happened! He threatened—

30. Shut up! Charlie, shut up! Quiet! Quiet!

31. Quiet at the hearing!

32. Oh, yeah, Dad?

33. Not gonna accept our apology? Okay, fine. Plan "B," bitch. We're gonna bury you.

34. Yeah, Mr. Mac. I'm gonna tell those parole board dickheads...

35. that you said you were gonna rape my butt until the room stinks.

36. And then you're gonna eat my butt until your stomach's full of butt,

37. full of my butt and full of Mac's butt.

38. You're not gonna say it exactly like that—

39. I'm gonna say something like that.

40. All the butt business is really gonna sell it.

41. Charlie, I'm telling you running away is not the answer.

42. We're gonna need supplies on the road. So just calm down.

43. Help me throw some stuff into the stick and bindle.

44. Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us.

45. And while I admit it would be awesome...

46. to be hoboes drifting from town to town solving mysteries,

47. I think we need to find a real solution.

48. Oh, my God! How do hoboes fit all their stuff into a bandana?

49. It doesn't make sense, man! We're gonna need like a towel or a tablecloth or something!

50. It's not gonna look cool! We're gonna look like assholes running around.

51. Wait a second, dude. That's it. I got it. Forget the bindle.

52. The only way that my dad is not going to kill us...

53. is if he thinks we're already dead.

54. Great. I was hoping you'd say that. Let's kill ourselves.

55. No. You didn't let me finish. It's no problem, dude.

56. I'm totally on board, okay? I'm gonna grab a knife, jab it into your neck,

57. yank it out, then your blood's gonna start going everywhere.

58. Listen— You'll die in five or 10 minutes.

59. And then depending on how horrific that looks, I'll probably do it myself too.

60. Listen. I was gonna say we fake our own death.

61. Yeah? Uh-huh? He thinks we're dead and leaves us alone.

62. Yeah. Either way works. Let's just pick one before he gets here!

63. Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die. We'll pick the second one.

64. Calm down! We'll pick the second one. Now, let's think.

65. We gotta do it in some way that's convincing. Right.

66. If we were gonna kill ourselves, it'd be awesome, right?

67. Yeah. Yeah. If we were gonna kill ourselves, it would be with class, right?

68. Because— Of course it would be with class.

69. What do you think, I'm not gonna die with class?

70. Maybe some type of explosion? Of course an explosion! I'm not gonna explode?

71. Okay, great. Charlie, it would be some kind of blaze-of-glory thing.

72. Of course it's gonna be a blaze of glory. Because we—

73. I'm going down right now, bro. Hold on a second.

74. What's up? Okay, all right. So—

75. Did I miss something? You're not getting this.

76. I'll walk you through the steps as we go.

77. First step, do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.

78. Whoa. What is that? I don't know.

79. You think it's for watching somebody poop?

80. You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make?

81. What are you doing in here? I got to go to the bathroom.

82. There's a hole in the wall. We're just trying to figure out what it is.

83. Well, well, well, Deandra.

84. Would you look at that.

85. Frank, Dee,

86. what you two have discovered today is what is most commonly referred to...

87. as a glory hole.

88. A glory hole?

89. A secret portal created as a passageway for one to safely insert one's penis.

90. I'm sorry. A hole to stick your dick in? Yes, Dee.

91. The partition acts as a physical barrier,

92. thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation...

93. or fellatio or, at the very least, a hand job.

94. What? Why? Why would you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

95. Well, Dee, I think the real question is,

96. why wouldn't you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

97. It's very European. You see, Europe leads the way in sexual exploration.

98. And, quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

99. This... sounds hot.

100. - I'm gonna go get some duct tape. - Whoa! Hold on a second, Frank.

101. Before you go sticking anything through that hole,

102. you might wanna consider that on the other side of this wall,

103. more often than not, there's a dude.

104. But you can't see through the wall.

105. So how do you know it's not a girl?

106. I mean, I can just picture a girl, and then... it's good.

107. Right. Well, some might find that method effective,

108. but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

109. Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl also?

110. How is he gonna do that with a dick in his mouth?

111. I don't know. That's his problem.

112. We're filling it in.

113. Okay, buddy, you ready?

114. Are you sure we have to do this? Yes, we have to do this.

115. If the cops are gonna identify the bodies, we need to leave dental records behind.

116. So we leave a couple of teeth. Bing-bang-boom!

117. I know. I feel like it's gonna hurt.

118. Yeah, it's gonna hurt like a bitch. Okay, ready? Uh-huh.

119. One, two— Wait. Uh-oh.

120. That just kind of came out on its own. Yeah, that slipped right out.

121. I barely pulled that. Whoa.

122. What?

123. Damn, dude. That's another.

124. You should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.

125. Oh! Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out like that.

126. They're just coming right out. You're freaking me out.

127. They, like, slip right out. It's really freaking me out.

128. - Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.

129. You think it's my dad? Shh. Of course it's your dad, dude.

130. Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar. Come fill it in.

131. I got to go fill her dick hole. No, no. We don't have time.

132. Okay. Audible. Grab the camera. Is Dee's car outside?

133. Uh— Yes. Okay, great.

134. We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.

135. Now you got to stop. You really got to stop.

136. Just give me all the teeth. I got them in my pocket.

137. Okay. Shh.

138. Hey! What the—

139. Okay, go, go, go, go, go, go.

140. Why would you do that? Open the door!

141. I don't know. It's all happening so fast. You could've just opened it.

142. That's true. I'll fire you through that window.

143. Grab the— No!

144. Just go. Let's go. Grab the camera.

145. - Okay.

146. So— Yes?

147. The videotape is done. My teeth are scattered throughout the car.

148. And the will is in place. Okay. Great. Toss it out the window.

149. They'll think we did it at the last minute. Okay. Got it.

150. Yeah. What's next?

151. I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

152. Mm-hmm. Judging by the distance,

153. I can get her up to about 60, 70 miles an hour. Oh, definitely. Definitely.

154. At the last possible second— I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall—

155. we jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury,

156. and we're dead to the world. Okeydokey. Good luck with that.

157. Wait. Where you going, dude?

158. Well, I'm gonna— I'm gonna watch you do it.

159. No. We need to do it together. I'm not really doing anything.

160. Yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support.

161. But if no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car—

162. We're gonna kill ourselves together. I wouldn't want you—

163. Get out. Get out. Get out. I'll do it myself.

164. The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.

165. It's gonna be great without me. All right, buddy, good luck.

166. Pussy.

167. Mac! Holy shit, bro! Are you all right? Yeah.

168. Why didn't you jump out? Holy shit! I'm okay.

169. Dude! Oh, my God! I was going too fast.

170. The car didn't catch fire though. I was going too fast.

171. Oh, my God. Let's get out of here.

172. We're gonna have to burn the car. Let's do it.

173. We'll have to get some gasoline. All right.

174. Holy shit! Whoo!

175. Pawn shop, dude? We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawn shop.

176. Are you kidding me? You can find amazing things in pawn shops.

177. What about a gas station, dude?

178. You can buy some gasoline to burn the car.

179. But we've been talking about this the whole walk over.

180. You can't go to a gas station. There's too many cameras.

181. Bro, I say something, and then you, like, forget it two seconds later.

182. What are you talking about? You sure you're all right? Your ear's bleeding a ton.

183. I'm fine. I feel like one million dollars.

184. Well, then focus, Mr. Million Dollars...

185. and let's find something to blow up a car.

186. Oh! Charlie, look at that wedding dress, dude. That's sad.

187. Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay?

188. So can you focus? Okay.

189. Will you please find a way to focus.

190. Oh, shit, look at this, dude. Now we're talking. Damn, they sell guns here?

191. They sell everything here. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

192. Pawn shops are like international waters.

193. People come in and they just trade stuff. You know what I mean?

194. Anything goes here. We can get whatever we want.

195. Let's pick this bad boy up. Shit, that's awesome. All right, good.

196. You're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress, right?

197. That is a great gun.

198. We're not buying the wedding dress.

199. Yeah. We're buying the wedding dress. Are you crazy?

200. We can't just leave it here. We absolutely can leave it here.

201. It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form. That's crazy.

202. That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits. You're losing your mind.

203. Will you just let me handle it? I got Dee's purse.

204. Okay. We got her credit cards in here.

205. We have plenty of money. I know what I'm doing. Okay.

206. And stop talking about the wedding dress. All right.

207. Sir? Excuse me, sir.

208. Hi. Um, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car...

209. and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.

210. Let me see what I got.

211. All right, you see that? Yeah.

212. Your buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then. Okay?

213. Yeah.

214. Okay.

215. Well, this is an interesting turn.

216. - Uh, I'm assuming this is a live grenade, yes? - Oh, yeah.

217. Well, then we'll take it. Yeah.

218. Was the wedding in Philadelphia? I don't care about the wedding.

219. Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight? He's losing his mind.

220. Got some poppers in the back.

221. All right. There we go.

222. All right, Luther, today's the day.

223. You got any plans for the outside?

224. Yeah.

225. I got some plans.

226. I got some big plans.

227. Okay, I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.

228. The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.

229. In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.

230. Okay, I understand the plan.

231. Except for when we find the bride.

232. Don't even start, man. That's a very important part of my plan.

233. You've been talking crazy for way too long. Take a deep breath of this.

234. Inhale.

235. Oh! Yeah! There we go.

236. Grenade! Yeah!

237. Throw it in the car. Yeah. Let's do it. I'm back.

238. Let's not talk about a dress anymore. Here we go. No dress.

239. - Grenade. - Go! Move! Go, go, go, go!

240. Okay. This is gonna be awesome.

241. It's gonna be huge.

242. That's it? Weird.

243. Yeah. That was totally lame.

244. That's what grenades do? It was a very old grenade.

245. What a gyp. I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.

246. The car's not even on fire. All right, plan "B." Gun. Gas tank.

247. I'm gonna fire it into it. The car's gonna go up. Now you're thinking.

248. Yeah? Ready? Go, baby.

249. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude. - What happened?

250. You're gonna waste all the bullets. You got to get a lot closer.

251. Closer? No. You got to stay far away 'cause it's gonna blow up.

252. Chickenshit. I'll walk right up and shoot it. You can't walk right up to it.

253. It'll blow you to safety. How about this?

254. Popper. Put it to my nose. We'll walk up, and I'll just be firing as I go.

255. Well, that will at least help your focus.

256. Let's just— That's at least the smart thing to do.

257. Here we go. Hold on. I'm stepping on this dress.

258. One, two— Go.

259. Ah! Goddamn it, dude! No more bullets.

260. Grenades and bullets don't burn cars? All right, new plan.

261. The teeth, the envelope, the crash. I think it's enough.

262. You think that's enough? Maybe the cops will think we just— I don't know.

263. Disintegrated? All right, fine.

264. We'll get Dee's credit card, buy some camping equipment. We'll go up to the roof.

265. There's my boy. He's making plans again. He's thinking. He's back.

266. He's also wearing a wedding dress though, and I'd like him to take it off.

267. Oh, yeah. This is no good. That's completely crazy, man.

268. This is it.

269. Uh, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.

270. Dennis, you're having second thoughts about the glory hole?

271. And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party?

272. Don't-Don't— You said you wanted to have anonymous sex. This is the place.

273. I do wanna have anonymous sex. I wanna have anonymous sex. I wanna have a sex party.

274. I want the glory hole. I want all those things. Here it is.

275. What I'm having a hard time believing though, Frank,

276. is that there is an elite secret sex society behind that door in this building.

277. I used to run with this crew.

278. These people are the most powerful, influential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.

279. Then why are they having a goddamn orgy in a dump?

280. I thought this kind of thing went down in somebody's elegant mansion.

281. I was looking forward to that.

282. Nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion, all over their nice furniture.

283. That doesn't make sense.

284. No, it doesn't. That's a really good point. Let's do it.

285. Put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.

286. All right. Don't embarrass yourself.

287. What is the password?

288. Or-gy.

289. You may enter.

290. "Orgy"? Seriously?

291. What the hell is this place?

292. What did you bring me to? A buffet.

293. I can see that. But why is there a buffet at a goddamn orgy, Frank?

294. You don't wanna bang on an empty stomach, do you?

295. I don't wanna bang any of these people anyway. They're all paunchy and weird and old.

296. You can't tell under the masks. I can absolutely tell.

297. And why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's?

298. It's like they didn't put any effort into it.

299. Jesus Christ. That guy's not even wearing a mask.

300. He's got the right idea.

301. This beak is interfering with my nosh.

302. Don't take it off. Aw, Jesus. What are we doing here, man?

303. How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.

304. What did you bring me to? You brought me— It's like a half-nude buffet party.

305. It's not exactly what I thought either. But it's okay. There's a lot of food.

306. Frank, I think we can both agree.

307. This is not the kind of anonymous sex we're looking for, right?

308. You wanna go down by the bridge? What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge?

309. I don't know. It could be cool. It could be cool?

310. Yeah. No, Frank, I don't wanna go down by the bridge.

311. I'm going back to the bar. I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.

312. That's something I feel like I can wrap my head around. This is ridiculous.

313. You think these are fresh shrimp or is it frozen shrimp?

314. I don't care!

315. What is this place? These are not—

316. Who are these— It's like a bad acid trip in here.

317. I'm coming. I'm gonna come.

318. Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this?

319. As if to say, "Hello. I'd like to have some anonymous sex, please."

320. All right, I'm into that.

321. Then I wait for the signal back.

322. If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear.

323. Frank, here's my problem with that. A man can wear a woman's shoe.

324. You can't rule out trickery. That's why we need the viewing slot.

325. This slot defeats the purpose. I could see your eyes.

326. - We might as well get married. - It's the safest way, Frank.

327. Dennis, if I was looking for safe, [ Door Opens, Closes ]

328. I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

329. You guys, get out here right now. You need to look at this.

330. Good news, Dee. We made the bathroom unisex.

331. Glory hole's up and running, baby. I don't care about that.

332. According to the Philadelphia Police Department, Mac and Charlie are dead.

333. And you got the camera on? Is it right?

334. Yeah. Is it good? Are we on?

335. Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.

336. Our lives were horrible— horrible and sad. So we decided to end it all.

337. Not me actually. My life was pretty sweet.

338. But Charlie and I had a suicide pact, and I have to honor that...

339. because I am an honorable man. Wait a second.

340. I will die an honorable man. My life was sweet also—

341. There's also a will enclosed, and you totally have to do all of that because that's a law.

342. Wait a second. My life was also honorable. You ready to do this?

343. Here we go.

344. I can't believe they're dead.

345. I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

346. What? Are you crazy? They're not dead.

347. They're definitely doing something stupid, but they're not dead.

348. You saw the tape, Dee. My best friends went out in a blaze of glory.

349. And they didn't even ask me to be part of it.

350. This is terrible! Are you buying this? That is ridiculous.

351. Dennis, they left us a list of demands.

352. What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament.

353. That is not demands. It says at the top, "List of Demands."

354. Whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them. Oh, we do?

355. We have to honor them? Okay. Let's see, Frank.

356. Charlie's number one:

357. "My ashes are to be made into a tea and to be dranken by every-wan in bar."

358. - Done. - Oh, damn it. Gross. Fine. What else?

359. Mac's number one: "In lieu of a body,

360. "which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable,

361. "I would like the duster to be burned and its ashes buried...

362. in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

363. Well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster. No.

364. Yeah. We also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy because that was RoboCop's name.

365. Goddamn it. Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around.

366. Mac is not dead, Dennis. How can you be so cold?

367. - He blew up my car! - Not burning the duster.

368. You're still talking about a coat? Absolutely!

369. It's a piece of cloth— That is an automobile.

370. It's a piece of clothing! They're people!

371. They're alive! They're live people!

372. Jesus, man, they must be really broken up...

373. if we can hear them from up here. Like cryin' and whinin' and—

374. Bitchin'. I'm excited about the hot dogs.

375. Oh, crap! What?

376. We should've got beans, dude. Hoboes are always eating beans. Damn.

377. We'll be fine without the beans, 'cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.

378. This would be better with beans though. Leave it alone with the beans.

379. Yeah. No. Stop it. Don't do it. Oh, my God.

380. How? How is that possible? I don't know.

381. Just put it down. You think they're my baby teeth?

382. Put it with the other ones.

383. You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog. I'll suck it down.

384. I asked you to leave me be.

385. I asked you to let me live my life.

386. But you wouldn't go away.

387. You kept pushing and pushing...

388. until you forced me to do something drastic—

389. something I was hoping I would never have to do.