1. What were you even doing
in that crawl space, Charlie?Copy !req
2. Well, for starters,
I was minding my own business.Copy !req
3. I was also trying to do
a little light reading.Copy !req
4. Then I was putting
some cheese in the rat traps.Copy !req
5. You were putting the cheese
in the rat traps?
- Yes!Copy !req
6. Can I smell your mouth?
- Why?Copy !req
7. You were eating
the cheese, weren't you,
out of the rat traps?Copy !req
8. No— Well, yes.Copy !req
9. I was eating
the old cheese to test it,Copy !req
10. see why the rats
weren't eating it.Copy !req
11. Why are you always
doing such weird things?
- I do weird things?Copy !req
12. Name another thing
that you think is weird!Copy !req
13. Well, I caught you stealing
a bunch of coins out of
the fountain at Logan Circle.Copy !req
14. I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
- Why do you have a spy?Copy !req
15. To spy on the waitress!
Of course I have a spy!
- Is that normal to you?Copy !req
16. Shut up and give me
my book back please!
- No!Copy !req
17. Hey, guys.
What book you keep
going on about?Copy !req
18. - It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
19. Whoa. These are my—
These are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book.Copy !req
20. I wrote a memoirs.
Hey, guys!
Charlie found my memoirs!Copy !req
21. - Your memoirs?
- I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,Copy !req
22. and I was gonna unleash them
on the world in a fiery blaze
of eroticism.Copy !req
23. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down a second, Dennis.
You wrote a book?Copy !req
24. Well, it's more of
a tale of redemption told
through my erotic travels.Copy !req
25. - Giddyap, man. That's amazing!
- That's good stuff, right?
Yeah.Copy !req
26. But then one day
the book just sort of
went mysteriously missing.Copy !req
27. - Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?
- Well, since he can't read,Copy !req
28. I'm guessing
he was masturbating
to your pictures.Copy !req
29. God damn! Jackin' off to my—
- God, no!Copy !req
30. That is not at all—
What are you doing to me?Copy !req
31. Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.Copy !req
32. Now you're
accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.Copy !req
33. You don't know why I do
the things that I do.
It's nuts.Copy !req
34. You don't know
how hard I got it.
- Got it pretty tough?Copy !req
35. Your life is pretty hard?
- I tell you what.Copy !req
36. How'd you like
to walk a mile in my shoes?Copy !req
37. Try your old buddy Charlie
on for size.Copy !req
38. You want me to walk a mile
in your shoes, 'cause I can't
handle your big, tough life?Copy !req
39. - I will. That sounds fine
to me. I will do that.Copy !req
40. Oh, my God! Shut up!Copy !req
41. Dennis, what's the name
of this book?
Ah.Copy !req
42. "Dennis Reynolds:
An Erotic Life."Copy !req
43. "I removed my robe
and stood before her,Copy !req
44. "taut, nubile, proud.Copy !req
45. "She was much, much older
than me,Copy !req
46. "but her breasts were awesome.Copy !req
47. I felt reborn, baptized
in erotic majesty."Copy !req
48. - Ooh!
Yeah!Copy !req
49. This is some sweet smut!
Yeah!Copy !req
50. I'm all boned-up over here.
- Me too.Copy !req
51. Dennis, we should try
and sell this book.Copy !req
52. Personal memoirs
are huge right now.Copy !req
53. Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna
sell the book,Copy !req
54. but I'm not gonna
let you guys be involved.Copy !req
55. Because every time you're
involved you get all excited
about something,Copy !req
56. and then you give up
the minute we hit
the first speed bump.Copy !req
57. You need us, Dennis.
You're gonna need
some legal help.Copy !req
58. Legal help?Copy !req
59. Bro, half the stories
you just read us
are total bullshit.Copy !req
60. They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?Copy !req
61. Dennis, you were never
the personal sexual adviser
to Jon Bon Jovi.Copy !req
62. And you never woke up
in a rehab facility
with the wounds of Christ...Copy !req
63. miraculously appearing
on your hands and feet.Copy !req
64. Yeah, man, but I banged
that girl in the fountain.Copy !req
65. That story was true—
the hot dogs, the oatmeal,
everything.Copy !req
66. Dude, you don't want to end up
like that Million Little Pieces
guy. All right?Copy !req
67. Oprah made him look
like a total dick.
Oh, that guy was a turd.Copy !req
68. I mean, come on.
Just take some
of those stories out.Copy !req
69. No, see, Frank, he can't take
those stories out.Copy !req
70. That's the rub.
That's why he needs us.Copy !req
71. Because the public loves
those crazy celebrity stories
and rehab shit.Copy !req
72. Okay, so what are you thinking?
I'm thinking we take some
of the really good stories—Copy !req
73. you know, the Jon Bon Jovi,
the Christ-wound stigmatas—
and we re-create them.Copy !req
74. We make them true
so that people can't prove
that they didn't happen.Copy !req
75. Re-create some
of the better stories in here
and then we have proof.Copy !req
76. Yes!
Holy shit, man.
That's a good idea.Copy !req
77. Now, first things first.
We gotta figure out how
to get you in a rehab.Copy !req
78. Charlie, do I really
have to sleep here?Copy !req
79. If you're gonna
walk a mile in my shoes,Copy !req
80. this is a pretty big part
of that mile,
don't you think?Copy !req
81. Now here. Put these on.
No. I don't want to wear one
of your dirty sleeping outfits.Copy !req
82. I'm sorry, but my "outfits,"
as you like to call them,
serve a very specific purpose.Copy !req
83. This isn't just for fun.
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.Copy !req
84. It gets freezing in here
at night, all right?Copy !req
85. Now, in case you have
to pee-pee, I got this
for you, all right?Copy !req
86. Oh, my God!
Goddamn it! Frank was
supposed to empty that!Copy !req
87. Charlie, no wonder
it reeks in here!Copy !req
88. You have open cans
of pee everywhere!Copy !req
89. But you do not
want to use that bathroom! Okay,
now eat one of these, all right?Copy !req
90. You're gonna wanna
huff a little glue
and drink some beer.Copy !req
91. This is cat food, Charlie.
Well, Dee,
I can't explain it!Copy !req
92. There's some sort
of weird chemical reaction
that happens...Copy !req
93. when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.Copy !req
94. It makes you feel
extremely sick and tired,
and you're able to fall asleep.Copy !req
95. Why would I want
to make myself
extremely sick and tired?Copy !req
96. 'Cause there's gonna be
about 50 cats howling outside
that window all night long,Copy !req
97. and you have no idea
how loud 50 cats can be.Copy !req
98. Maybe there wouldn't be cats
surrounding your building...Copy !req
99. if you didn't have open cans
of cat food everywhere!Copy !req
100. I have 50 cats howling
outside my window,Copy !req
101. because I have 10,000 rats
running around my building!Copy !req
102. Okay? I'm not an idiot!
Stop yelling.
You're spitting cat food on me.Copy !req
103. There's a reason to do
the things that I— Oh.Copy !req
104. I don't feel good.Copy !req
105. And it's starting right on time.
If I were you, I'd start
wolfin' that shit down.Copy !req
106. I gotta go to sleep.Copy !req
107. Oh, I'm not
feeling good at all.Copy !req
108. Mmm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
109. Come play with us forever
and ever and ever...Copy !req
110. and ever.Copy !req
111. Ocupado.Copy !req
112. Mmm. All gone. All gone.Copy !req
113. Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day.
What?Copy !req
114. Time to get up!
Charlie! Oh, God!
Oh, God!Copy !req
115. There's evil twins
in the hallway
and a twitching junkie—Copy !req
116. What? How much of
that glue did you huff?Copy !req
117. - I don't know.
As much as you did.
- As much as me?Copy !req
118. Really?
Well, that's probably
way too much glue for you, Dee.Copy !req
119. Hey, check it out.
You just had yourself
a glue O.D.Copy !req
120. Those are pretty regular
in my life.Copy !req
121. Don't do too much glue
or your night sucks.
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.Copy !req
122. You're saying that your life
is so terrible because you eat
rat cheese and cat food...Copy !req
123. and huff glue all day long?
Uh, yeah!Copy !req
124. Those aren't real problems,
Charlie.Copy !req
125. What do you mean,
they're not real problems?
You make those problems up!Copy !req
126. You choose to do that stuff!
Those are solutions
to problems!Copy !req
127. Oh, my God.
You know what?
Hold on a second.Copy !req
128. We're gonna turn the tables
here.Copy !req
129. You're gonna walk
a mile in my shoes now,Copy !req
130. and you're gonna see what it's
like to live in the real world
and have actual problems!Copy !req
131. Okay. You got some glue
on your face though.Copy !req
132. You might want
to wash that off.
Oh, goddamn it.Copy !req
133. Okay, plan is simple.Copy !req
134. You're gonna hang out at
the rehab facility
for a couple of days...Copy !req
135. while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.
Uh, yeah.Copy !req
136. I gotta say I'm a little
skeptical about you guys...Copy !req
137. being able to get in touch
with Jon Bon Jovi.Copy !req
138. What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.Copy !req
139. Piece of cake.
Have a little faith
in us please.Copy !req
140. Plus, it's easy.Copy !req
141. We just get you into
a room with him,Copy !req
142. snap a couple of photos,
we got proof.Copy !req
143. Bing, bang, boom. We're done.
Now, let's talk stigmatas.
That's it, huh?Copy !req
144. Mmm.
Uh, right.Copy !req
145. Do we have
to do the stigmatas?Copy !req
146. You know this publisher is gonna
have a fact checker, right?
Yeah.Copy !req
147. You don't want to end up like
the Million Little Pieces guy,
do you?Copy !req
148. I brought a nail gun.
Oh, is that
what that is?Copy !req
149. Yeah.
No, no. Look, you're not
gonna shoot nails in me.Copy !req
150. No. I think a couple
of severe burns from the cigar
is what's gonna do the trick.Copy !req
151. What?
No, you need
deep wounds.Copy !req
152. No, wait.
This'll give you
deep wounds.Copy !req
153. Hold on a second! No!
I can get these
pretty deep.Copy !req
154. Nobody's gonna burn me
or shoot me full of nails!
Dennis, calm down!Copy !req
155. You focus on your art,
okay?Copy !req
156. Frank and I will handle
all the business end of things.
Hang on a second.Copy !req
157. If you guys really
want to do the stigmata—Copy !req
158. Okay. Good work, Frank.Copy !req
159. I think we should just probably
leave the body right here.Copy !req
160. Yeah, we can leave him here.
In the morning they'll
come out and find him.Copy !req
161. All right,
give me his hands.
Yo.Copy !req
162. I don't go to a therapist.
I just go to bars.Copy !req
163. If you walk up to
the nearest drunk guy
and bump him from behind,Copy !req
164. he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man.
What's your problem?"Copy !req
165. [ Continues, Indistinct ]
This guy is great.Copy !req
166. Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh?
This is great.Copy !req
167. Hey, do they have food too?
'Cause I could go for some food.
No, no. No food.Copy !req
168. I don't eat
while I'm here.
When do you eat?Copy !req
169. I don't.
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You gotta eat dinner sometime.Copy !req
170. Because when you perform
your nerves make you
dry heave,Copy !req
171. and you better hope you don't
have any food in your stomach.
You're gonna perform?Copy !req
172. All right. Now, this next lady
y'all know, because she's here
almost every night.Copy !req
173. Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.Copy !req
174. Everybody put your hands
together for Deandra Reynolds!Copy !req
175. Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?Copy !req
176. So, you guys,
what's the deal with
those hands-free headsets...Copy !req
177. that everybody's wearing
in their ears, right?Copy !req
178. It's like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me! I'm one part robot
and three parts asshole!"Copy !req
179. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
180. I mean, am I right, or am I—
[ Gags, Coughs ] Screw it!Copy !req
181. Wow. Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.Copy !req
182. Dee, what are you doing to
yourself? That is terrible.Copy !req
183. Why would you do that?
You just gotta put in
your dues, you know?Copy !req
184. You gotta take it one step at
a time when you want to be an
actor.Copy !req
185. What? This is about being
an actor? Why in God's name are
you still trying to be an actor?Copy !req
186. Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams. You're still trying
to get with the waitress.Copy !req
187. I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever
we need to do.Copy !req
188. Oh, is it funny? You better get
ready, guy, 'cause you're next.
Huh?Copy !req
189. Let's hear it
for a newcomer here tonight,
Mr. Charlie Kelly!Copy !req
190. So, you guys,
you ever eat cheese?
Cheese is a funny thing.Copy !req
191. Cheese is a strange thing.
I always wonder, like,
what is cheese?Copy !req
192. Where does it—Copy !req
193. We gotta figure out
how to get you into rehab.Copy !req
194. Let's talk stigmatas.Copy !req
195. You need
deep wounds.
No, no, wait.Copy !req
196. Rehab— Rehab—Copy !req
197. Yo, punk.Copy !req
198. Wake up, punk.Copy !req
199. Yo, punk!
Ow!Copy !req
200. Wake up!
What the hell?Copy !req
201. Yeah, you in hell,
all right!
What?Copy !req
202. You know what?
My name is Sinbad!
This Sinbad's house!Copy !req
203. When you're in Sinbad house,
you're my bitch!
Listen—Copy !req
204. Yeah, you know who that is?Copy !req
205. Huh? That's Rob Thomas.
Matchbox 20! Sing a song.Copy !req
206. Uh—
Shut up!Copy !req
207. Matchbox 20? Eww!Copy !req
208. You the man, huh?
You gonna punk him like that?
No, no!Copy !req
209. Matterof fact, unleash the fury.
Get his shoe!
What?Copy !req
210. Beat his testicles!
Beat his testicles!
No, no, no! Don't beat!Copy !req
211. Don't, don't, don't, don't!
Come on. Rob Thomas
and Si— Sinbad.Copy !req
212. Uh, look, man.
I'm pretty confused
about what I'm seeing here.Copy !req
213. And I'm in a lot of pain.
Just tell me what's going on.Copy !req
214. It's the pain, huh?
My bad. I didn't know
you was hurting like that.Copy !req
215. My bad. 'Cause I've hurt
before. You've hurt before.
We all hurt.Copy !req
216. So I'm gonna just break it down
now. Introduce myself right.
That was wrong.Copy !req
217. I'm Sinbad. There's my
head shot. Autograph for you
a little later on.Copy !req
218. And this is Sinbad's house.
And you're my bitch!Copy !req
219. I'm gonna
show you how—Copy !req
220. - Everything okay in here?
- Hey, what's up, Jerome? Man,
he keep throwin' his shoe.Copy !req
221. - He crazy.
- Let's go. Everybody should
be in bed with the lights off.Copy !req
222. We're tryin' to go to sleep.
He keep throwin' shoes at us.Copy !req
223. You're about to get me
jacked up, man! Is that
what you're tryin' to do?Copy !req
224. Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!Copy !req
225. See this?
This one on you,
and this one on Rob Thomas.Copy !req
226. I own both y'all!Copy !req
227. Watch your ass, new meat.Copy !req
228. All righty then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.Copy !req
229. - Hey, dude.
- I just made a date with that
girlie rock star's people.Copy !req
230. - Bon Jovi? Oh!
- Yeah. He owns
the Philadelphia Soul—Copy !req
231. the arena football team.Copy !req
232. - I just offered to buy it.
- Awesome!Copy !req
233. All right, I'm gonna pretend
that I have terminal cancer...Copy !req
234. and get him to do
an acoustic set on my deathbed.Copy !req
235. Wait. Why would you do that?
You don't have to do that.Copy !req
236. No, it's great, bro. Rock stars
do the cancer-kid thing
all the time. Look, Frank!Copy !req
237. No!
You got us into a room
with Jovi's people, right?Copy !req
238. I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself!
I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea.Copy !req
239. I don't want you to do it.
I already got a bald-cap guy
and everything.Copy !req
240. You're just
confusing everything!Copy !req
241. There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank!
It's very, very simple!Copy !req
242. Shut up!
Shut your big mouth
right now!Copy !req
243. I will put my foot down
right now! You are not going
in there with that cancer thing!Copy !req
244. I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!Copy !req
245. Okay. Jesus, dude.
I won't do the cancer thing.Copy !req
246. Relax.Copy !req
247. So, Mr. Reynolds,
you're interested in buying
our arena football team.Copy !req
248. Big time!
But I want to do business
with Mr. Von Joni himself.Copy !req
249. Bon Jovi?
Yeah!
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.Copy !req
250. I'm offering $40 million
for the team.Copy !req
251. Wow. Well, that is
a very generous offer.Copy !req
252. But I must admit I'm a little
bit confused about one thing.Copy !req
253. What's confusing
about 40 million?
That's a shitload of money.Copy !req
254. It is. It is. I'm a little
confused as to why you've chosen
to involve this gentleman here.Copy !req
255. Uh—
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.Copy !req
256. Uh, ma'am, I am dying
of very terminal cancer,Copy !req
257. and I would like to request
a private bedside concert
from Mr. Bon Jovi.Copy !req
258. Ahh.
Now, Sambora's presence
is not necessary.Copy !req
259. But it would be nice if
he was involved.
Is this a laser pointer?Copy !req
260. Yes.
Can I have it?Copy !req
261. No.
I'm gonna take it anyway.Copy !req
262. Please don't listen
to anything he says.
No, no. No, Frank.Copy !req
263. I'll give you $60 million
for the team.
Frank, you— I got it.Copy !req
264. We're talking
about cancer.
We're negotiating!Copy !req
265. You're not negotiating shit.
We're onto
the cancer thing now.Copy !req
266. That is the way that
it's gonna go from here.Copy !req
267. Okay. I'm just gonna
throw this out there.
I don't think you have cancer.Copy !req
268. What? What are you
talking about? No, that's chemo.
That's chemotherapy right there.Copy !req
269. And for the record,
when you go through chemo,
your beard hair falls out too.Copy !req
270. Are you sure?
I asked a lot of people!Copy !req
271. I asked my bald-cap guy!
I told you not to do
the cancer thing!Copy !req
272. But it was working until you got
in with the bullshit numbers!
Goddamn it!Copy !req
273. You know, I'm not even
really bald. I have a full
head of hair. Not like him.Copy !req
274. Not only do I consider it
magnificent, I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.Copy !req
275. Hey!Copy !req
276. On his eyes.
Shine it on his dick.
Shine it on his dick!Copy !req
277. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
278. Look at his dick!
♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone:
Country ]Copy !req
279. Oh, that's me. That's my phone.
My phone is ringing.
Sorry, that's me.Copy !req
280. Hey, dude.
Where you been?Copy !req
281. I'm in rehab, dude!
Oh, yeah.Copy !req
282. Hey, that whole Jovi
thing went south,Copy !req
283. so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.Copy !req
284. - What are you talking about?Copy !req
285. I got another call, buddy.
No, no!
No, don't—Copy !req
286. Hello?
Bill, what's happening?Copy !req
287. Who are you
looking for?
Bill. Who's this?Copy !req
288. Oh, this is Mac.
You got the wrong number.
Oh, my bad.Copy !req
289. Yeah. No problem.
What number were you
trying to call?Copy !req
290. - Shh!
- ♪♪ [ Cell Phone Ring Tone:
Disco ]Copy !req
291. - Hello?
- Frank, you gotta
get me outta here, man!Copy !req
292. Where are you?
I'm in rehab,
goddamn it!Copy !req
293. Well, I'm in a movie,
and this broad's about
to get naked.Copy !req
294. So I gotta go.
No, no, no!
Yeah. No, that's okay.Copy !req
295. Yeah, I thought
it was some chick.
Who are you talking to?Copy !req
296. I'm talking to Bill.
And anyway, so—Copy !req
297. No, I'm not Bill.
I'm Terry.
Bill?Copy !req
298. I'm sorry. No, it's Terry.
Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway,
these cat people hated me—Copy !req
299. Terry? What number did he want?
'cause I kept calling
them over and over.Copy !req
300. Will you please shut up!
Who's that?Copy !req
301. I got some dick in
a movie theater giving me shit.
Why you turn around like that?Copy !req
302. Yeah. Nice talking
to you. All right.
Call me back.Copy !req
303. I'll talk to
you afterwards. Bye.Copy !req
304. Give me
the laser pointer.
What a jerk.Copy !req
305. I know. Watch this. I'm gonna
do it on the back of his head.Copy !req
306. Bro, you wore
the battery down.
Oh.Copy !req
307. Well, how am I supposed
to use it now?
'Cause you— Jerk!Copy !req
308. I'm a jerk?
Yeah.
You're a jerk.Copy !req
309. You're walking around with
that bald cap on all day,
and I'm a jerk.Copy !req
310. It was expensive. I'm sorry.
I want to get my money's worth.
You're talking to a guy—Copy !req
311. Will you please be quiet?
Who talks like this in
the middle of a movie theater?Copy !req
312. Hey. Hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.Copy !req
313. You don't know
how tough it is bein' me.
What?Copy !req
314. It's not that tough to be you,
Frank. What is so difficult
about your life?Copy !req
315. Yeah, try walkin' a mile
in my shoes once in a while
and then talk to me.Copy !req
316. Would you allow me
to show you my—Copy !req
317. Our eyes locked,
our hands touched,Copy !req
318. and she whispered in my ear,Copy !req
319. "Dude, your balls
totally rule."Copy !req
320. What the hell you think
you doing, man?Copy !req
321. I heard about this shit!
It's gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob!Copy !req
322. Whoa, whoa, wait!Copy !req
323. Come on. I was just
in the middle of some
really erotic stuff.Copy !req
324. Yeah, I heard about that shit.
You trying to write memoirs
and erotic shit.Copy !req
325. Know what?
You don't write it, bitch!
I'll write it!Copy !req
326. What is your problem, Sinbad?
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?Copy !req
327. Ain't no Jesus here
'cept me! I'm Jesus!Copy !req
328. What the hell, man?
You stole my thing!Copy !req
329. No, no. My thing is bigger.
Rule of the land.
Big is my thing now.Copy !req
330. Took it. Bam! Mine!
Fine. But what does Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?Copy !req
331. You know Rob— You know what
he's got to do with it?Copy !req
332. He do whatever I tell him do,
because he's my bitch, bitch!Copy !req
333. Let's get out of here.
We're gonna read some smut.
Come on, man.Copy !req
334. Shut up. Give it to him.
Give it— No, I'm playing!Copy !req
335. I gotta get outta here.Copy !req
336. This is my day,
and this is where I come
at the end of the day...Copy !req
337. before I head off to Paddy's.Copy !req
338. Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing.Copy !req
339. Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain.Copy !req
340. I come here every single day
to throw money into this thing
to wish for a better life.Copy !req
341. Money that you
apparently steal for spies!Copy !req
342. Okay, so essentially, Charlie,
you're stealing my dreams!Copy !req
343. - If you don't mind, I'm gonna
get those dreams back now.
- No, those are my spy coins.Copy !req
344. That's my money anyway!
You can't have that!
How is that your money?Copy !req
345. It's itchy. This is what I
gotta go through to get laid.
Frank, shut up!Copy !req
346. You're just pissed off,
'cause I pull it off
better than you.Copy !req
347. You don't pull it off
better than anything.Copy !req
348. You better not lose your hair,
'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Not as ugly as you, bitch.Copy !req
349. Ah!
What are we doing here?Copy !req
350. This is the time of day
when I come to the fountain.
Why?Copy !req
351. When I was a kid
I used to swim in this fountain.Copy !req
352. A bunch of bullies
kicked me out.Copy !req
353. So I wait until this
time of day and come back
and piss in the fountain.Copy !req
354. I've been pissin'
in the fountain
for 50 years.Copy !req
355. Well, why are you
still pissing in it?
To get back at their kids!Copy !req
356. - Greedy, greedy! Greedy Dee!
- You can't have a good life
without your dreams!Copy !req
357. Is that Dee and Charlie?
Hey, guys, what are you doing?
What the hell?Copy !req
358. These are my dreams!
They mean something to me!
It's anyone's coins!Copy !req
359. Yo, Charlie and Dee!
Yo, Charlie and Dee!
[ Shouting, Arguing ]Copy !req
360. Deandra!
What are you doing?
Dee!Copy !req
361. I'm taking my dreams back!
What are you guys doing?Copy !req
362. Frank's gonna piss
in the fountain.
I do it every day.Copy !req
363. Hey, I like
your haircut, man.
What's going on up here?Copy !req
364. You can't tell.
Charlie, it's a bald cap.Copy !req
365. It's not even real!
You can't tell, huh?
Oh, my God!Copy !req
366. That's awesome!
No, you can you can tell.Copy !req
367. - You say you were
gonna piss in the fountain?
- You're in it.Copy !req
368. Hey, Dennis!
What's up, buddy?
Come here!Copy !req
369. What you doing?
Hey, guys.Copy !req
370. Huh?
I use this fountain
for its healing powers.Copy !req
371. Plus, it does wonders for my
skin. But that's
not important right now!Copy !req
372. - You're not gonna believe this.
Sinbad was trying to kill me!
- What?Copy !req
373. Yeah, Sinbad the comedian.
He was in the rehab center.
He was trying to kill me.Copy !req
374. And then Rob Thomas,
the lead singer of Matchbox 20?
He was in there too.Copy !req
375. - Is any of that making sense?
- No.Copy !req
376. Uh, time-time out, time
out, time out. Did you
or did you not meet Sinbad?Copy !req
377. Yeah. I met Sinbad. But—
Can you prove
that stuff?Copy !req
378. Oh, yeah.
This happened just moments ago!Copy !req
379. Boom!
Memoir's back on.
Me!Copy !req
380. Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but
the public eats that shit up!
Yeah!Copy !req
381. The memoirs thing is done!
We gotta go back
to that rehab.Copy !req
382. No, no!
We can't go back there!
That's too dangerous!Copy !req
383. No, we have to prove it.
We gotta take photos.
We have to sign documents.Copy !req
384. - Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan!
- Sinbad is not the man
that you think he is, Charlie!Copy !req
385. We'll take care of you.
We'll watch your back.
I am not going back!Copy !req
386. I'd like to meet him.
I hope he's wearing something
made out of windbreaker.Copy !req
387. Okay, guys. This is it.
What the hell is this?Copy !req
388. It's the rehab center.
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.Copy !req
389. Well, this is where
they brought me after
you guys dropped me off.Copy !req
390. Everybody, you gotta
stay close to me, okay?
You have to protect me,Copy !req
391. because like most comedians
Sinbad is very angry
on the inside.Copy !req
392. Come on. Come on!
Do you think he'll, like,
autograph my shirt? Or, like—Copy !req
393. He will autograph your face
until it is bloody to a pulp.
Now come on!Copy !req
394. So, like—
like what is this place, dude?Copy !req
395. Hey!
Oh, hell, no!Copy !req
396. We told you not
to come back here,
freak!Copy !req
397. Wh-Where's Sinbad?Copy !req
398. Oh, you call me Sinbad
one more time,
I'm gonna knock you out.Copy !req
399. - What the hell
is going on here?
- This dude broke in here,Copy !req
400. and has been running around
ranting and raving
about memoirs and Sinbad!Copy !req
401. So—
So you lied to us,
Dennis?Copy !req
402. No, I didn't lie.
No, I swear to God.
This was all real.Copy !req
403. - Sinbad was here, I swear!
- That's it.
I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
404. You thought that
dude was Sinbad.
This guy?Copy !req
405. Maybe that blow to the head
did a little more damage
than we thought.Copy !req
406. That's not Sinbad, dude!
I know that's
not Sinbad!Copy !req
407. Is this some sort
of sick fantasy?
No, it's not a fantasy!Copy !req
408. I didn't make it up!
Sinbad was here! I swear!
Well, guess what, guy?Copy !req
409. The memoir is dead again!
I can't believe
you didn't meet Sinbad!Copy !req
410. Do you even realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad!Copy !req
411. Sinbad's a hilarious comedian.
Goddamn it.
Son of a bitch.Copy !req
412. That guy is like some dude
in green pants.Copy !req
413. I don't even see how
this could be happening.
It all seemed so real.Copy !req
414. I need to see a doctor.Copy !req
415. Psst.
No, you don't, bitch!Copy !req
416. - Wake up! Yeah,
you in hell all right!
- Ow!Copy !req
417. - Oh, what the hell, man?
- Hell, no!Copy !req
418. You call me Sinbad
one more time—Copy !req
419. Yeah. I should definitely
see a doctor.Copy !req