It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4x2

1. How are we supposed to scale back our energy costs...

2. when you are filling this generator with gasoline?

3. When did you start running the bar on a gas generator instead of—

4. About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.

5. Why would you do that? Well, because, you know, electricity's so expensive, man.

6. So I figured let's get a generator and, you know, run the bar on it.

7. Are you kidding me? Gasoline's, like, a thousand times more expensive than electricity.

8. And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay?

9. You're not the decision-making type. Yeah.

10. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.

11. Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?

12. Uh, I'm sorry. I've always been the brains. What?

13. What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?

14. You're the looks. Well, yeah. Of course I'm the looks.

15. But I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.

16. No, you're the looks. I'm the brains. Charlie's the wild card.

17. Whoa. That's awesome.

18. Yeah. Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no?

19. Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right?

20. Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it.

21. The A-Team did it.

22. Scooby-Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.

23. Oh, shit. Yes. Right?

24. Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format,

25. and it gets us into trouble.

26. So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format,

27. we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful...

28. as those organizations. You're totally right, dude.

29. Great. On to the matter at hand.

30. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies...

31. with their 10-gallon hats and their rotten, ass-plowing hearts.

32. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.

33. Lay it on us, bud. It involves pulling up our bootstraps,

34. oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own.

35. Mmm. Pow!

36. Not gay sex.

37. Okay. 'Cause that's what it sounded like. Okay, okay, okay.

38. What did you mean? We're gonna solve the gas crisis.

39. Charlie, the plan is simple, okay?

40. Is it? Yes. We go to a bank.

41. We talk to a loan officer. We get a hefty loan to buy a bunch of gasoline.

42. Mm-hmm. We take that gasoline.

43. We store it in the basement. We wait a few months.

44. When the gas prices skyrocket, we sell it, make a huge profit.

45. Yeah, man. If the guy doesn't seem like he's going for it,

46. I'll show him this big-breasted-women chart. Mm-hmm.

47. And that'll win him over. Yeah, I'm sure it will, 'cause that's great,

48. and the plan's actually pretty great.

49. The problem I'm having with it is that I don't have anything to do.

50. No. You do have something to do. You're the wild card.

51. You sit there looking crazy and capable of anything.

52. Yeah. Ohh. That's—

53. Yeah, you set the tone for the whole meeting. Okay.

54. So if I'm, like, there while you guys are talking, and I'm just, like, uh—

55. That's terrible. That was my— That was my wild card face.

56. What message are you trying to send with that? Was it not a good one?

57. Well, so what if it's more like— like, I'm, um—

58. You want "em to think you're gonna take a dump, or— That's what that looks like?

59. I don't know what message you were trying— Oh, man.

60. You're forcing it. Oh, my God.

61. Yeah, you're forcing it. I better look in a mirror,

62. 'cause I don't know what I'm doing, and what it looks like feel like two different things.

63. I'm gonna supervise, 'cause there's no way he should be making this decision.

64. Walk me through it, dude, 'cause I just don't see it. I'm gonna draw another woman.

65. It's not a rape van. It's a spy van. It looks like a rape van to me.

66. But whatever. Dennis, you gotta look at this.

67. What is this? Bruce Mathis is about to give away all of Mom's money.

68. What are you talking about? In two days, some Muslim cultural center...

69. is about to get a giant check made out of our cash.

70. - And we gotta get that back. - Listen. This jamoke is giving our money to terrorists.

71. And we gotta prove it.

72. Um, Dee, Mom gave all of our money to Bruce. You were never gonna get it anyway.

73. Oh, no, no, no. I was. See, I had a plan.

74. I was gonna eliminate everybody else and be the only surviving heir.

75. So... help.

76. Uh, so when you say "eliminate," you mean you were gonna kill me?

77. Uh, I don't know. No. Yes.

78. Maybe I was going to. Maybe I wasn't. The point is moot now.

79. Can you please help me out here? So you were planning on killing me?

80. You're still talking about that? Listen, listen. Stop arguing.

81. Are you gonna help us or not? We got no time here.

82. Pass. Pass?

83. Yeah, pass. Super pass. UÜÜber pass.

84. How do you super pass on something like this? We gotta get that money.

85. I pass! Because you were planning on killing me.

86. I feel like you're really focused on one tiny part of what I'm trying to talk about.

87. It's a very big part of your— It's just a couple of words.

88. Just go away. I'm trying to draw breasts. Focus on the words "money"--

89. and pretty women. and "Bruce," and "me," and "help."

90. All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?

91. Wait for it.

92. Gasoline.

93. - Excuse me? - Don't rush me.

94. Don't rush him. Thank you. I feel rushed. Look. Here's the plan.

95. You give us a shitload of money. We buy a shitload of gasoline.

96. We wait 12 months. We sell the gasoline.

97. And make a shitload of profit.

98. Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um—

99. She's not getting it. Get the graph. Oh, yeah. The graph.

100. We have a graph. Yeah. Check this out.

101. Now these are the gas prices last year.

102. These are the gas prices this year.

103. And this is what the gas prices will be.

104. - And what are those? - Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.

105. Why?

106. Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought...

107. we'd be speaking to a man today, so— Yeah.

108. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss?

109. - Because I think he would understand more better. - My boss is a woman.

110. Really? Your boss is a woman? Now, this is a strange bank.

111. Okay. Well, I am definitely rejecting your request...

112. for $300,000 to buy gasoline.

113. Dennis, you're on. Yeah.

114. You know, I just had a crazy thought.

115. How's about I take you in the back and— Oh.

116. "change your mind"?

117. Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?

118. - What are you doing? - Hmm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so—

119. No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?

120. I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.

121. Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay?

122. Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.

123. Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan. Here's a scenario.

124. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter—

125. You can't pull the wild card when I have my shirt off. That should be a rule.

126. Yes, that's a rule. Well, your shirt's not off.

127. Well, now it is, goddamn it, bitch. Oh, yeah?

128. Back off. Oh, wow, now, baby.

129. Come on, man. This is my job.

130. Now I feel like I should do it. What are you doing?

131. Huh? Goddamn it. Well, okay, so—

132. Why don't you decide?

133. Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

134. My intel tells me that Bruce moved into this crappy apartment complex.

135. Where did you get your intel? I waterboarded some guy.

136. Told me everything. You tortured somebody?

137. Oh, yeah. Big time.

138. - What do you see? - I can't see shit.

139. Why would you tint the inside of the windows?

140. I don't want anybody to see in. We can't see out, Frank.

141. I might've overdone it a little bit. You think so?

142. Whoa, whoa. That's Bruce.

143. - This guy? - That's the guy walking there.

144. - Start the car. - Are you sure that's him?

145. Let's follow him. I'm gonna take some pictures.

146. I got it working.

147. Let's go. All right, there's— The gas pedal is stuck.

148. Well, wobble it. Wobble it?

149. Yeah, wobble it back and forth. Wiggle it. Wiggle it. All right.

150. That's it. That's it. Now hit it. Whoa!

151. Aaah! Oh, God. What are you trying to do?

152. You're giving me whiplash. You're blinding me. Calm down for a second.

153. Hold on.

154. Oh, man. Son of a bitch.

155. Will you stop with that for one second?

156. Hey, assholes.

157. Hey, what the hell was that about?

158. I can't believe Dee keeps her life savings in her sock drawer. That's a dumb place to hide it.

159. She's an investor now. She'll thank us later.

160. You know what, guys? I'm sorry. Can I— I gotta bring something up.

161. Can I bring something up? Because if I don't, it's gonna stew up inside me.

162. It's gonna drive me crazy. What's up, man?

163. I kinda can't believe that you guys took your shirts off back there, man.

164. I mean, I feel like you really sold me down the river.

165. The Ghostbusters would never do something like that to each other.

166. I can't believe you guys did it. What are you doing?

167. - No trash cans. Only cars. - Whoa. Cool your jets, guy. We paid for this gas.

168. It's gonna be a while, so—

169. Stop now. You can't do this.

170. What? Come on, man. Only cars.

171. Ah, geez. All right. Well, wild card, do your thing.

172. So help me, God, I'll blow this place to kingdom come, guy.

173. Not that. Not that. Jesus Christ, Charlie. Come on, man.

174. No. We just gotta figure out a way...

175. to get this gas back to the bar without using the barrels.

176. Well, how the hell are we gonna do that?

177. Aaah!

178. All right, barrel number six is done, dudes.

179. Mac, this doesn't seem to be the best— This is not working, okay?

180. We are actually losing money driving back and forth...

181. from that gas station all day long. You burn up your product—

182. Plus, I have swallowed a good deal of it, and it's a damn waste.

183. That's not good. Yeah, and gas has gone up seven cents since this morning.

184. He puts a new thing on the sign every time we pull in there.

185. We're screwing ourselves here, guys. Hold on. Let's not freak out.

186. Let's not freak out. The plan is not working though, man.

187. We just need to adjust our business model to meet the needs of a changing marketplace.

188. That's all. That's money talk. Let's talk money.

189. We gotta make some money in the short term.

190. Well, how the hell are we gonna do that? I got a plan.

191. We'd like to return some gas, please.

192. - Yeah. Don't worry, bro. Got receipts. - I can't do that.

193. You can't do it, or you won't do it?

194. Both.

195. Not yet, buddy.

196. Okay, bro. You want to play hard ball, fine.

197. You're about to experience the hard knocks of a free market, bitch.

198. Get ready to feel it where it hurts. Your dick.

199. No. No, not his dick. His— His wallet. Yup.

200. Your wallet. Yup.

201. - Here we are. This is it. - Are you sure this is his place?

202. Yes. Yes, yes. My intel says so.

203. Okay, listen. Take these box cutters. Put 'em in his bedroom.

204. Take this fertilizer. Toss it in the closet.

205. What the hell are we doing that for?

206. 'Cause when I call the cops on him, they'll come and find all this bomb-making shit,

207. and they'll arrest his money-stealing ass.

208. We don't want to call the cops.

209. They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant.

210. That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?

211. Yeah. A lot of people are bugging their babies these days.

212. I guess babies can't be trusted.

213. What exactly is it you're expecting to find here? A lot of shady shit.

214. Like what?

215. Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes.

216. Why would that be shady?

217. Maybe the dudes are babies. What?

218. Bruce is not banging any baby dudes.

219. Look, we're going back to the original plan, okay?

220. We're gonna put the frame on him, we're gonna be heroes among the community,

221. and I'm gonna get all of my money back as a reward. All my money.

222. Well, whatever. It was probably gonna end up mine eventually, so—

223. Okay. There's something I want to talk to you about.

224. Were you planning on offing me,

225. and then offing Dennis also?

226. Frank, we are in the middle of something.

227. I don't have time to chitchat with you about stuff right now.

228. Were you planning on offing me? I didn't say that.

229. You didn't deny it either.

230. Uh, deny it? Do I have to deny something so crazy?

231. Give me the baby monitor. I'll hide it for you.

232. Capitalism at work. This oughta show the son of a bitch.

233. All right, buddy, now explain to me how exactly...

234. we're gonna calculate the totals. Oh, it's easy, dude.

235. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right?

236. And I count how much gas is going into the car.

237. All right, let me— Let me just stop you right there.

238. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid?

239. Uh, I know how to count, dude. I'm not—

240. Okay, you do it. You do it, Mac. Because I can't speak to him.

241. Well, say free market 101— You gotta have customers to have a working business, right?

242. So we gotta attract attention. I for one suggest me blowing fireballs to get that attention.

243. Fireball— Where is that coming from? No.

244. We're not blowing fireballs around 10 containers of—

245. People will see it from the street.

246. We have 10 containers of gasoline.

247. The lighter, please. What the hell are you—

248. Thank you, sir. Let me please reiterate—

249. He understands. my strong opposition—

250. Trust me, Dennis. I know what I'm doing. to this idea.

251. This is really unsafe, dude. Do not blow that fireball.

252. Whoa!

253. Wow. Okay, wow.

254. I take back everything I just said. That was amazing. Oh, dude.

255. I'm doing one of those, baby. I can do it bigger.

256. You can do it bigger? No, Charlie. Let me do it.

257. Make sure it's bigger. If you're gonna do it, make sure you— Wait.

258. Aaah! Whoa.

259. Oh, goddamn it. Whoo!

260. You burned my head.

261. Oh, I think I burned him. Really?

262. Ow! Ow! Jesus Christ. Easy, camper. Easy, camper.

263. Relax. You're gonna feel better. How can I relax?

264. Just stop. Just stop. Okay.

265. Do you have anything other than a towel and duct tape?

266. Not really. New plan. We're going to a hospital.

267. Oh, whoa. Actually, bro, you know what?

268. I think we're gonna be done with your plans for a little while.

269. Because the system you set up— It ain't working.

270. So I got a new system. Me— Both the brains and the looks.

271. Charlie, you're still gonna be the wild card, 'cause that fireball you blew was badass.

272. It was great, right? You just kinda got in the way. Yeah.

273. Mac, check this out though. You're gonna be the muscle. No. I—

274. I think we gotta stick to the paradigm that we've set up—

275. The A-Team, Scooby-Doo— No, no, no.

276. Your "paragon" is failing us, man. It's a "paradigm," but yeah.

277. - It wasn't working. - It's not working.

278. What happened was we confused your bossiness with braininess,

279. and those two are very different things. Mm-hmm.

280. That is what happened. So check it out though, man.

281. I got a new plan. This is what we're gonna do. Yeah.

282. Yeah. We're gonna steal Frank's rape van— Mm-hmm.

283. because driving around with all that gasoline is ruining the interior of my car.

284. And I just— I won't have it. No.

285. Then we're gonna take that van and we're gonna offer people...

286. something that gas stations just can't offer 'em.

287. What? Gasoline directly to their doorsteps.

288. Door-to-door gasoline salesmen.

289. Oh, my God. That's amazing. That's a brilliant plan, right?

290. Brains, looks, brains. Whatever, fine. Then I'll be the muscle.

291. I'll muscle these pricks into buying the gas and— Ooh.

292. Actually, why don't you muscle your way back by the van because you look like a burned-up freak.

293. You know what? A look is gonna be a big part of this.

294. - I'm gonna get some disguises. - Why would we need disguises, Charlie?

295. So people don't know who we are, you know?

296. - They already don't know. - You're not letting the wild card do his thing.

297. - Is there any reason behind what you're doing? - Wild card.

298. Stewart's up on his second shot on the fairway.

299. Hole 15. I'd say it's about 195 yards.

300. He has a seven iron.

301. I mean, how has he been sitting there watching golf for three hours?

302. I don't know. I don't know. Is that a baby monitor?

303. Oh! Shit. Cut it off.

304. Goddamn it. Now he's suspicious of us. Oh, no.

305. Oh, no. You are such a bad hider.

306. I'm a bad hider? You never could hide.

307. It was hard to— I bet you still hide your money in your sock drawer.

308. My sock drawer?

309. Yeah. Come on. That would be stupid.

310. Yeah, you do. You're lying to me.

311. Just shut up. I'm not lying to you.

312. I'm getting outta here. This is a setup. Will you relax?

313. You're setting me up, and I'm getting the hell out.

314. Frank, get back here. You're not gonna do this to me, girl.

315. I understand what's goin' on. Come back, Frank. Goddamn it.

316. - Okay, they're on the move. - I know what's going on.

317. You think I was born yesterday? Hey, you son of a bitch.

318. Okay, go. Go, Mac. Go. Go. What are you talking about?

319. Don't lie to me. I have my ways of finding out things. You'll be sor—

320. Oh, my God. Is that a Muslim guy? He's getting in my van.

321. - Oh, shit!

322. - Man, what— Dude, seriously? - Hey.

323. No. No. No.

324. All right, well, just let me do the talking, okay?

325. You gotta at least talk with a Southern accent.

326. I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent.

327. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.

328. But we're oilmen. We would have Southern accents.

329. - We don't need bolo ties and stupid hats. - Yes, we do. She's gonna—

330. Hello, ma'am.

331. Oh, what a lovely house dress. Yeah.

332. Well, you're looking all sorts of good. Now, you seem like...

333. a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady,

334. so we're not gonna waste your time today. Nah.

335. We're just a couple oilmen in from Dallas,

336. and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you something you want.

337. What my— associate is trying to say...

338. is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service—

339. Hells, yeah. We want to fill you up,

340. if'n you are so inclined as to let us.

341. Please let me do the talking. I got it.

342. Please let me— Now we ain't gonna take no for an answer now, you hear?

343. Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, all right?

344. He don't take kindly to "no."

345. So can I fill you up or what?

346. Yeah. You'd best get to stepping because Johnny Law's a-coming.

347. Yeah. You might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.

348. Why is he talking like that? Well, wild card over here decided to lose his mind.

349. I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.

350. Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn.

351. All right, guys, I think it's time we cut our losses and go back to the original plan.

352. - Ah, the generator. - No, not the generator.

353. Storing the gas in Paddy's. All right.

354. It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.

355. Go, go, go, go. Okay, okay, okay.

356. All right, admit it.

357. That Muslim guy was gonna rub me out.

358. And that's when you jumped out of the van after I got out.

359. Admit it. Come on.

360. Oh, my God. I don't know what you're talking about.

361. Oh, don't lie to me. No! Okay!

362. Admit it! Okay! Okay, I admit it.

363. What do you admit? I admit anything you want to hear.

364. Now you admit that Bruce Mathis is a terrorist? He's a terrorist.

365. And that you are working for him. Yes. I work for him.

366. We get our information from the top. The top cave.

367. Don't bullshit me. That's all I got to say.

368. Oh, hey.

369. I like what I'm seeing here, Frank. Bring me up to speed.

370. I'm waterboarding your sister because she's escalating the plot to kill us.

371. - Dennis, help me. - Why the hell would I help you, Dee?

372. - You're still plotting to kill me? - No. Help!

373. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

374. Yeah, shut up. Tell me what's going on.

375. Hey, Frank, by the way, we borrowed that pathetic rape van of yours.

376. You gotta get that gas pedal fixed, man.

377. Mac rammed into some dude's car, like, five times.

378. It was amazing. You guys took the van?

379. I thought it was some Muslim guy. No, not really.

380. Whoa! What is going on in here? Well, Frank's waterboarding Dee.

381. You guys? You took the van?

382. Well, hell, yeah. Oh, my God. I just realized something.

383. Frank is the muscle.

384. What?

385. The reason that shit hasn't been working out for us...

386. is because we are not working with our full crew.

387. I'm the brains, you're the looks, Charlie's the wild card and Frank is the muscle.

388. Well, what's Dee? She's the useless chick.

389. Ahh! Ahh! Yeah.

390. Yeah. Yeah. You see? We complete it.

391. We all complete the team.

392. Now if we stick together, guys, we can do anything.

393. Now— question.

394. Frank, does that waterboard really work?

395. You bet your ass.

396. I got Dee to admit to things she never did.

397. Well, then it works. Ha, ha! All right.

398. Then, gentlemen, I got a new plan.

399. Okay, now, once we get to Bruce's, we slip in and we grab him.

400. Shouldn't you guys have gotten these barrels out of the van before we got in?

401. They're really heavy, Dee. We've already had to do it, like, a million times.

402. Where did you get the money for this gas?

403. Dee, will you shut up and let me continue?

404. Frank, when we get to the bar, you waterboard the shit...

405. - out of Bruce and get a confession. - No problem.

406. Now, Dennis, you take that confession to the police,

407. use your charm and good looks, and get that reward money.

408. Done and done.

409. Okay. Dee, you continue to be useless.

410. Charlie and I will use that reward money to pay off our electricity bill.

411. Then we'll probably buy some more gasoline because I feel like that's a great plan.

412. - Wait.

413. Brakes don't— Brakes don't work. The gas pedal—

414. - No. I'm saying— No. The brakes— - Wiggle the gas pedal.

415. - Guys, why aren't the brakes working? - Because I cut the brakes.

416. Wild card, bitches! Yee-haw.

417. What? Holy shit.

418. - Oh, God. - Oh, my God.

419. Jesus Christ, guys. I can't stop this van.

420. Seriously? Abort. Abort. Abort!

421. Go!

422. Mastersfield steps up to the tee,

423. eight strokes behind the leader.

424. Hole number 17, 338 yards, dogleg left—

425. Aaah!

426. Oh, goddamn it. What the hell, man?

427. Aw, my van.

428. Why is someone trying to ruin my life?

429. I didn't do anything to anybody, man.

430. I love that car. That, uh—

431. I love that car, man. That's not Bruce, is it?

432. - Nope.

433. I ain't 'fraid of no ghost.

434. I ain't 'fraid of no ghost.