It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4x13

Directed by Matt Shakman

Mae LaBorde as Gladys • Artemis Pebdani as Artemis • Mary Elizabeth Ellis as Waitress

In the season finale, Charlie gets the gang to help him put together a rock opera based on his song "Nightman."

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1. - What you doin', buddy? - I wrote a musical.

2. Huh? You wrote a musical?

3. Why? Why did you do that?

4. Uh, just to write a musical.

5. - Does there have to be a reason? I don't think so. - Yeah, there does.

6. Nobody writes a musical for no reason. It doesn't make sense.

7. All right. Well, this guy did. So there you go.

8. - Who's the mark? - What?

9. Oh. Yeah.

10. No. There's no— There's no mark, guys.

11. I wrote a musical. It's pretty damn good, okay?

12. - I want to put it on. - What's your angle?

13. - I don't have an angle. - Whose face are we shoving this in?

14. You don't shove a musical in someone's face. What are you talking about?

15. But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

16. Oh, my God. Are you guys gonna make this about this? I mean, look.

17. I just wrote a musical to write a musical, okay?

18. I don't have a ulterior motive here.

19. I'm not trying to screw anyone or-or gain anything out of it.

20. You know what? If you guys don't want to be in it, I can find other people to play your parts.

21. Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Hang on there, pal.

22. Hang on. We're just trying to wrap our heads around this.

23. Yeah. I mean, there's no reason to give away our parts, okay?

24. All right. No. We'll do it.

25. What's it called?

26. The Nightman Cometh.

27. Okay. Gather around, please, everybody!

28. Uh, let's gather down front.

29. Here we go!

30. Now, you guys, you all know Artemis.

31. Yes. Uh, Artemis was kind enough...

32. to book for us this fine local theater.

33. Okay. So, round of applause for Artemis.

34. Very nice. She also transcribed my work...

35. into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.

36. - Or literate. She added words to it. - All right.

37. No more interruptions now, Dee. Thank you. Please.

38. Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?

39. That's gonna be Mac. What?

40. Oh, yeah! Lead, of course. Who's playing the Dayman?

41. The Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman. So it's also Mac.

42. Two parts? Oh, yeah! Wait. That's bullshit. Bro—

43. - The Nightman's a better role. - He gets to play two roles? Come on.

44. - It's the same person. - Charlie, who's playing the troll guy?

45. - You're gonna play the troll guy. - I'm the troll guy?

46. - Who else would be the troll? - Oh! I like that.

47. All right. Good. Can I do it naked?

48. Absolutely not. Why would you want to be naked?

49. Because in the '70s, everybody did theater naked.

50. Everybody got laid all the time.

51. All right. This is not the '70s. You're gonna do theater with your clothes on, please.

52. Charlie, what the hell is this play about? I'm a princess who lives in a coffee shop?

53. You work in a coffee shop. You don't live in a coffee shop. Read closer.

54. Well, why am I in love with a little boy?

55. You're in love with a young man. You wrote "boy."

56. All right. Well, man, boy— it's a metaphor.

57. Well, the audience is gonna think I'm a child molester.

58. I've changed my mind. I'm playing the Nightman. What?

59. Whoa. Yeah.

60. Why would you want to play the Nightman? The Nightman's badass, dude.

61. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.

62. Where are you getting that from? Karate?

63. I made that up. It's gonna be great. This is great.

64. That frees up Lead Boy and Dayman. I can play both.

65. I don't want you guys switching. That's not how it works.

66. Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes? I'm already on it.

67. Oh, my God. For the love of God.

68. Uh, you know what? Let's just get started.

69. You guys ready?

70. I'm ready. Yeah.

71. - Yes. - Are you goddamn kidding me?

72. What? "Tiny boy, little boy, baby boy"?

73. Yes?

74. You're wanting me to say I want to make love to a little baby tiny boy.

75. But I've explained this to you, Dee. I'm talking about the spirit of this man.

76. It's like a little boy. It's a metaphor. You keep using that word,

77. but I'm not convinced you know what it means.

78. Also, I'm not making out with Dennis later.

79. It says we're supposed to at the end of the song. That's not gonna happen.

80. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that either.

81. This is why I didn't think you should be playing the boy.

82. I don't want you guys kissing either. What if it's just...

83. a sexually charged embrace? Okay, Artemis,

84. please don't talk to the talent.

85. You know what? Um— All right. Screw this shit.

86. - If no one likes the song, I'm gonna cut the song. - Thank you.

87. No, no, no. Don't cut the song, man. I like the song.

88. Dee, apologize to Charlie. I'm not gonna do that.

89. He wants me to bang this baby, and I don't feel comfortable.

90. I think it's a bad idea to cut the song, Charlie.

91. Thank you, Artemis. Thank you very much.

92. All right. Could you give me a second with-with-with the talent here?

93. Thank you. Uh, Dennis, could you take a five?

94. Uh, well, I just don't want to cut the song, man.

95. - I would like for you to take a five. - Five minutes?

96. Can we have five now, please? Dee and I. Can I get— Can you have a five over there?

97. Will you take a five, Dennis. Take a five, please. Yeah, I'll take a five.

98. Okay, Dee. The-The song is history.

99. Thank you, Charlie. I appreciate that, 'cause I was uncomfortable.

100. Yeah, I bet. What-What are we gonna sing instead? What should I sing?

101. Uh, what's on the back there? It's the same song.

102. And what's on the very back page? Nothing.

103. Ah. Then that's what you'll be singing.

104. Charlie, this is my big song. Yeah.

105. Yeah. Everybody else has a big song. I deserve to have one.

106. Do you? Don't screw me like this, Charlie. Come on.

107. Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

108. Um, let me try and remember something.

109. Uh, let's see. Was it— Did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it?

110. No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it— and the gang.

111. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves and take it away from Charlie...

112. and ruin his hopes and dreams.

113. So let me tell you something, Dee. Let me break down a scenario for you.

114. I could cut the song, okay? Because I wrote it.

115. I could have Artemis do the song, okay? Because you did not write it.

116. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself.

117. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do?

118. Song or no song?

119. Well, so— song. Song?

120. Yeah. Song. You want to sing a song.

121. I never wasn't gonna sing the song.

122. You are excited about singing a song, and you want to sing a song.

123. Yeah. I would like to do it. Good!

124. Yeah, I'll— So back up on your podium you go.

125. Thank you. Dennis, what are you doing?

126. I'm eating because I'm very uncomfortable.

127. Well— You guys are making— Can you just get on the stage, please?

128. And can we finish this rehearsal? It was really loud.

129. Don't start. Technically, that wasn't five minutes.

130. Okay. You know what? You guys have me up to here. Okay.

131. Okay, I'm here. I don't want to be here, okay?

132. Now I have to play the piano, and I'm all up here.

133. So let's— You know what? Let's try and get this down.

134. Let's try and work this down a bit. Okay?

135. And you know what's gonna do that? Learning the song.

136. The way it's written. Let's do it.

137. Back to the top. Five, six, seven, eight—

138. Stop, stop, stop. All right. Um, not bad.

139. Good rhythm. Love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole."

140. And it's clearly "soul." And I know— Artemis, you did write "soul," right?

141. I did write "soul" definitely. So it's "boy's soul."

142. Like, if you drag that— Are you chewing gum?

143. Yeah. Give me the gum, okay?

144. G-Gi— The gum, Frank. Please. He said no gum.

145. I said no gum, everyone. It's unprofessional.

146. Thank you. Can I bring something up?

147. - Yes. - Um, I think we have to be very careful...

148. about how we do the rape scene. Yeah.

149. Well, what in God's name are you talking? There's no rape scene.

150. Well, sure. Uh, I pay the troll toll, and then I rape Dennis.

151. No. You don't rape him. You become him. You do not rape him.

152. He doesn't? No.

153. Look. Let me just walk you guys through this, okay?

154. Here's what happens. Yeah.

155. Once you've paid the toll— Yeah.

156. I want you to come over to Dennis, by his bed here. I'll be lying back.

157. You want me to cross the stage? Yes.

158. All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and just put on a clinic.

159. I would rather you didn't. I think the people are gonna want to see that.

160. Let's not. Then I'll hop up sort of like a cat.

161. Like so. Meow. Oh, Jesus Christ.

162. Just leave it at that. Okay. Once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay?

163. - Suddenly you sense him. - What if I were to position him...

164. in a way where I get behind him,

165. then Frank could throw that blanket he's got right there over us.

166. Oh, yeah. Then that way you can't see the penetration.

167. That's a good idea. You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the raping—

168. I'm sorry, the, uh, "sexing" from behind— feel more classy.

169. That's good. Then what I can do is thrust this way. And you can struggle.

170. Now I'm here. Okay? I am—

171. I'm past where I thought I could go. I'm like all the way up here with it.

172. Oh, my God. Hey, you. Oh, my God! You scared me.

173. I'm sorry. I dropped, like, a hundred dollar bill under there,

174. can't find it anywhere, and then— What are you doing walking here?

175. Is this one of your walking places? Charlie, I have Mace.

176. Oh, my God. Check this out.

177. Uh, I have a free ticket for you to see a musical that I wrote.

178. Oh, wow! A free ticket to a play that I don't want to see.

179. You don't want to? I don't.

180. It's a front row seat. I don't care. I don't want to see your play.

181. I'm gonna cut you a bargain. Cut you a little deal. Come see this play—

182. I didn't want to have to do this, but if you come see this play—

183. Yeah? I'm gonna leave you alone for the rest of your life.

184. Really? Yeah.

185. Okay. So you're not gonna follow me home anymore? No.

186. And you're not gonna call me at 3:00 in the morning— No.

187. and tell me that you are...

188. in the emergency room in the hospital— Yeah.

189. 'cause you had a terrible car accident. Yeah. It's great that you came.

190. Well, you listed me as your emergency contact. Well, yeah.

191. Because I consider you that. I have to go.

192. Look. Ah—

193. All right. I swear to God, I'm gonna leave you alone.

194. I'm gonna stop listing you as my emergency contact. I'm gonna stop calling you—

195. all that stuff— if you see the musical.

196. That's how much this means to me.

197. Nice.

198. Leave me alone. You're not gonna regret it.

199. I regret it already. All right.

200. Oh, man.

201. What is going on? When are we gonna start?

202. We're gonna start when I'm ready. Stop hounding me.

203. We were supposed to start 20 minutes ago. We're not gonna start—

204. She's here! She's here! She's here! Who's here?

205. Circle in, everybody. Can we get down in the middle. Can we get down front.

206. Couple last-minute things. I just want to brief everyone on this.

207. Artemis, can you bring in Gladys? This is Gladys.

208. She's gonna be playing the piano instead of me tonight.

209. - What? Why? - It's cool. She knows all the songs.

210. Gladys, can you head out and get us started? I forgot to tell you.

211. Calvin Coolidge was a good friend of mine.

212. You've been telling me that Calvin Coolidge was a friend of yours like all morning.

213. - How many times? - Like a hundred times now.

214. Oh. At a certain point, I need you to stop...

215. telling the Calvin Coolidge story and start playing— Shh.

216. - Don't shush me. Please don't shush me. - Oh, my God, dude.

217. - Just get her out there and get the play started. - What the hell are you doing?

218. You can't be throwing us curveballs like this. I'm hanging on by a thread.

219. Don't argue with me now. We just gotta do this. Let's stick together.

220. Real quickly. A couple things. I can't really move my arms in this.

221. It is a rental. I think I need to rip the pit.

222. Do not rip that costume, okay? It's very expensive.

223. Fine. But one other thing. I wrote a song. I'm gonna throw it in.

224. I swear to God, you cannot add a song. It's gonna happen.

225. I will smack your face— It's gonna happen.

226. off of your face. Okay.

227. Do not add a song. It's starting. Go.

228. You gotta get ready. I'm not ready, dude.

229. I don't think I can do this. Just get out there.

230. I don't think I can do this. You're gonna be fine.

231. Don't change your lines, okay? Don't change your lines.

232. Do not rip that costume.

233. What is this strange feeling?

234. I feel so strange inside.

235. It's so strange, but appealing.

236. Oh, boy.

237. Keep singin', bitch. You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you.

238. What the hell is she doing? She's bombing like crazy.

239. What an idiot. I was awesome though, right?

240. You? No, dude. You totally froze up out there. You sucked.

241. Um, I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro. Laughs are cheap.

242. I'm going for gasps.

243. Wait till you see, dude. Gasps are where it's at.

244. I gotta go pop my cat eyes in.

245. We're getting a lot of laughs. That's good. That's not good.

246. This is not a comedy, okay? No one's supposed to be laughing.

247. You came at the right time. Is he sleeping?

248. Yes. He's sleeping right over there.

249. Just the way you like 'em.

250. Did you bring the toll?

251. Confound your lousy toll, troll.

252. Goddamn it. Stop laughing at me.

253. Here's your toll, troll.

254. Your boy awaits.

255. At last. The boy's soul is mine.

256. Give me that leg, boy. No.

257. Dude, do you have a boner right now?

258. Shut up, dude. Don't ruin this for me.

259. That's enough, dude. Does it hurt?

260. Ow. Oh. God.

261. I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.

262. Hello, boy!

263. Come over here and scratch my itchy-witchy toesy-woesies.

264. No. What?

265. - Get over here. - No, Antonio.

266. I control you. You control nothing.

267. I am not your slave anymore, and I am not a boy.

268. I am a man. See?

269. I was transformed...

270. by the strong,

271. musky power of true love.

272. I am now...

273. the Dayman.

274. - What the hell is that? - You know what it is, bitch.

275. Bang!

276. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

277. Where's the boy?

278. The boy is gone.

279. You can't tell me what to do.

280. N— I didn't tell you what to— You're skipping a line, dude.

281. Yeah. Uh— You can't tell me what to do.

282. You're still skipping the same line. Just move past it...

283. 'cause I can't remember— God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

284. I'm going to kick your ass, bro. I'll tell you what. I am the ruler of darkness.

285. I am the master of light.

286. I am the Dayman.

287. Whatever, bro. Here's your whatever, bitch.

288. What? No, don't improv. Don't tell me what to do.

289. Whoo!

290. Body bag!

291. No.

292. Yes. No.

293. No!

294. You have defeated the evil that was here.

295. Naturally, for I am the Dayman.

296. You once were a boy, and now you are a man, and I am in love with you.

297. That's right. And now I am in love with you.

298. Stage freeze! Don't say stage freeze. Just do it.

299. Is that it?

300. Uh— Huh?

301. Is the play over? Ye— Yeah.

302. Okay. Great. Well, then I'm out of here.

303. Hang on. Hang on a second. Hang on.

304. - Is it a yes, or— - Is it a yes?

305. Really, Charlie? Will I marry you? No. No, I will not. I will never marry you.

306. And I also held up my end of the bargain, so I never have to see you again.

307. Okay. So wait. Just—

308. I'm sorry. I want to get this clear. Uh, you are saying no?

309. Oh, I am definitely, definitely saying no.

310. Okay. Well, I didn't ever sign anything.

311. So, um, I'll see you tomorrow.

312. That's it. You can go home.

313. It's over. Well, we're gonna do a bow.

314. Hold on. Yeah?

315. Uh, if you want.

316. It was a great musical, Charlie. You did a great job.

317. She ain't worth it.

318. Told you nobody just writes a musical for no reason.

319. I am here. I am— I am past here.

320. And by the way,

321. I thought the rape scene went really well.

322. I— I am here. I am here with it. And that was awful for me.

323. And if you bring this up back at the apartment tonight,

324. I am going to smack you. I swear to God.