It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4x12

1. Admit it, dude. You totally cried.

2. Yeah. I didn't cry, Charlie.

3. I saw tears coming out of your eyes, man.

4. Extreme Home Makeover will make the hardest man soft.

5. - Oh, it makes everybody cry. - Oh, that is really ridiculous.

6. Oh, is it? You're the biggest thief I've ever met in my life.

7. How am I a thief? Dennis, do you know that she is inheriting my house?

8. Of course he knows it. He's the one who lost the house by letting you into it.

9. And now since I'm his next of kin, the house belongs to me.

10. - Frank, if you want to get your house back, check it out.

11. Make a vision board, put your house on it— boom, you get the house back.

12. - What the hell's a vision board? - Oh, it's The Secret!

13. Yeah, The Secret is a self-help book that Dee read and explained to us.

14. It's about how you can get whatever you want without having to work for it.

15. All you have to do is envision all the shit in the world that you want,

16. cut pictures of it out and paste it on a board, then you get it, you get the stuff.

17. See how I got all these sweet pics of Ty Pennington from Extreme Home Makeover?

18. I'm gonna become like him. I'm gonna have that dude's life.

19. Yeah, now that's Charlie's vision, but it's not mine.

20. You see, my vision is to have a gorgeous yellow Lamborghini...

21. that I'm very much looking forward to driving.

22. I'm gonna impregnate Danica Patrick while getting drunk in the Sahara desert...

23. on a dune buggy.

24. I hate to tell you this, but this self-help stuff, it's all bullshit.

25. It's a big scam. Oh, is it, Frank?

26. That's funny 'cause that's how I got the house.

27. See, I envisioned the courts recognizing how ridiculous it was...

28. that my son of a bitch asshole mother didn't leave me anything.

29. And then I did some good deeds, and boom— I'm rich.

30. - Mansion rich. - Whoa, wait a second.

31. You didn't say anything about doing good deeds. Is that a part of this?

32. You have to do that. You get back what you put in.

33. Right! That makes sense. That's probably why Ty Pennington has such a sweet life.

34. Yeah, man. And he's got great hair too.

35. Of course he's got great hair! He does have great hair!

36. You know, this has got me thinking, guys.

37. It could be really beneficial for us to go out and actually do some good deeds.

38. Wait a second. Maybe helping other people is the best way to help ourselves.

39. Right, right. So, like, what is the best way you can help other people?

40. The best way in the world to help other people.

41. What would Ty Pennington do? What would Ty Pennington do?

42. What the hell are you doing with my bowling ball?

43. It's no longer a bowling ball, Frank. It's now a wrecking ball.

44. We're gonna use it to tear down a house and then we're gonna build up a dream!

45. Yeah, baby. Then we get our Lamborghinis, and our Danica Patricks, and our—

46. Whatever we want. Ooh, you guys. I wanna jump in on this if that's okay.

47. I'm gonna need a butt load of money to pay the property taxes on my new mansion.

48. - On my mansion. - Jesus, Frank. Really? Still? Why do you care?

49. You don't even wanna live there. That's not the point, Deandra!

50. The point is, it is my house and I should own it.

51. Help us out, and the universe will probably give it back to you.

52. I don't think so, Charlie. See, I'm operating at a much higher vibration,

53. which I think is gonna counteract his attempts at positive energy.

54. - I'll keep the house. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

55. You think that your energy's more positive than mine? Uh, yeah.

56. I want in on this so I can screw over Deandra.

57. You know what, man? Perfect.

58. We were planning on using your construction experience and your connections anyway.

59. - I'll be the foreman. - Yeah, great. Excellent.

60. Why don't you hop on the renovations with Charlie and I?

61. Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee?

62. Family makeover with Dee? No. I want to be a part of the renovation team.

63. I know you do, but the thing is, you— Yeah.

64. You get so excited about the smashing. Yeah!

65. Then you make it competitive. You turn it into a competition.

66. That's bullshit! Because I'm a better smasher than you guys!

67. I should be on the head of the smashing team! Are you kidding?

68. You want to have a smash-off? A smash-off?

69. I'll prove it to you. You can't even help yourself, can you?

70. Okay, fine. Fine. Dee and I are gonna kick your ass, okay?

71. Because our makeover is gonna be so much more extreme than yours.

72. Oh, well, hold on a second. Charlie, our renovations are gonna be pretty extreme, right?

73. Yeah, but not as extreme as what we're gonna do.

74. Let's agree that we're gonna go about this in the most extreme way possible, okay?

75. First things first. Let's find a family to unleash our extremeness all over.

76. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A desperate family that's gonna yield us the highest return.

77. How 'bout the Mexican family that moved in down the block? Right!

78. What is their name? The Juarez family, I think.

79. Oh, that's perfect. Oh, we can help the Juarez family!

80. Great. Oh, they're good. Their place is a real shit hole.

81. Okay, great. Then the Juarez family it is. It's settled.

82. Okay, okay, okay. And I think I know the most extreme way to go about this.

83. Okay. Dee, you got the blindfolds, right?

84. Do you guys think the blindfolds are absolutely necessary? The blindfolds are necessary.

85. They're there to heighten the sense of surprise and excitement,

86. creating an enjoyable experience for the family. Extreme!

87. Here's the thing. I couldn't find any blindfolds per se, but I did bring some plastic bags.

88. Jam them over their faces. Why didn't you say so 10 minutes ago?

89. It's time! Here we go! Here we go!

90. Go, go, go, go, go!

91. Good morning, Juarez family!

92. Wake up, my brown friend! It's time to change your life!

93. Yeah, man. Inspirational. All right. That's cool. That's cool, I guess.

94. Come here, you little rug rat!

95. Where are you going? What's wrong, buddy? Come on.

96. We're trying to help you. Hey, where's your wife? Oh, no!

97. Come on! You want me to fix your house, don't you? Where's your daughter?

98. - Where's your daughter?

99. Congratulations! Have we got a surprise for you!

100. Okay! Hold still!

101. You can't run from the kindness of strangers!

102. We are taking over your house! Your house is ours now!

103. Your lives are gonna change forever!

104. Ah, it feels good to help people, doesn't it?

105. It sure does! Okay. Bag 'em.

106. And good-bye, Juarez family!

107. Yeah. All right! Good job. Good job. We did it, man.

108. Frank, foreman. What's the plan? Mr. Foreman.

109. Ah, the plan? Yeah!

110. You guys get to work. I'm gonna go hop in one of their beds and get some shut-eye.

111. - I'm running on fumes. - Oh, ho! Wait, man. There's no time for that.

112. We're on a deadline here. Now, when's your crew arriving?

113. - My crew? What crew? - The construction crew. When do those guys get here?

114. You're the crew! That's the way I do it.

115. I hire two guys and let them sweat it out.

116. All right. Now keep it down because I'm a very light sleeper.

117. Welcome to makeover headquarters, Juarez family!

118. This is gonna be your home for the next couple of days!

119. Hey, in order to assimilate you with American culture,

120. we've decided to surround you with all things American.

121. - Who's ready for a makeover?

122. This one is.

123. Um, not that excited. No. They're not very excited at all.

124. What's up? I— Okay. I think there might be a bit of a language barrier.

125. Well, that could be an issue. Well, no, no, no. Hold up.

126. Somebody took a couple of years of Spanish in high school.

127. Oh! Okay. You remember it?

128. I'm gonna dust off the cobwebs and see if I can fire off a couple phrases.

129. Tell them to relax, first off, 'cause they look a little tense.

130. And then, uh, we're gonna build them a new house.

131. And a new life, just like on Extreme Makeover on TV.

132. Okay. Okay. Juarezes,

133. - Sí. They get it! They get it! - I still got it!

134. ¡Somos... extremos! Yeah! ¡Extremos!

135. Yeah, America!

136. All right. I tell you what, man.

137. The more I look at this place, the nicer I think it is. It's a nice place.

138. No, it's a very charming, charming place. Whoa!

139. What are you doing, dude? What do you mean?

140. Why are you smashing stuff? It's important that we get rid of anything...

141. that will remind the Juarez family of their old country.

142. Bro, they're Americans now, and Americans don't hold onto the past.

143. Oh, the past isn't useful. You gotta forget about it. Not useful.

144. Okay, the past isn't— We gotta gut this entire place.

145. Here's what I'm thinking now. After we get done smashing all their old shit,

146. I'm thinking we take out this wall. You know what I mean?

147. Just let the room breathe a little bit. Okay.

148. And you think that's better than just, like, ripping the whole house down?

149. Yeah. Why— Tearing the whole thing down?

150. Yes, dude. Were you planning on destroying the entire house? Yeah.

151. You can't demolish the entire house.

152. That's what they do on Extreme Makeover. They rip the whole house down.

153. Do you know how to build an entire house? No. I don't know how to—

154. I know! I hadn't thought that far—

155. We would have to build a whole house. We'd have to build—

156. I can't build a whole house. Let's just smash the wall.

157. We'll start with the wall. Then we'll throw a couple of layers of paint up.

158. And then we'll get our Lamborghinis and whatever shit you have on your vision board.

159. Let me see if the lamp takes a little dent out of it. And here comes the pitch!

160. But it didn't really dent the wall though.

161. But it did break the lamp, and that's part of it.

162. Well, that was fun. So I'm gonna break this.

163. What's all the racket down here?

164. Hey, some of us are trying to do some work here, Frank. I don't know if you noticed.

165. Has anybody scored on their vision board yet?

166. How on earth can we score from our vision board, dude? We just started.

167. Yeah! We've been doing this for, like, 30 minutes.

168. Thirty minutes? I feel like I've been sleeping for a day.

169. What? That broke bastard's bed is soft as shit.

170. You think they got any beer in the icebox? You know what, man?

171. I could drink a swimming pool. You know what, Frank?

172. You are a terrible foreman. Get— You know what? Back me up on this, Charlie.

173. You're out of here, dude. I think so. You're done.

174. You can't kick the foreman out. I'm the foreman.

175. I tell you what to do. That's the way it works.

176. Oh, really? You're gonna tell me how it works?

177. I watch Extreme Home Makeover. I know how it works!

178. Charlie! What?

179. That show is just a bunch of manipulation to get people to cry.

180. And then they trick the viewers into buying shit!

181. Buying shit? What are you talking about?

182. Yes! That show is about how awesome Sears is!

183. No. And how Sears products save people's lives!

184. It's about caring and Sears! Hey, hey. Shh.

185. Now, you don't see Ty Pennington lose his cool, do you?

186. You want to be like him? Yeah.

187. Then just breathe for me. Feel what I'm doing.

188. Yeah, dude. I just— I'm sorry, bro.

189. But I get very passionate about Sears. No, I—

190. I mean, Extreme Home Make— I mean, wha—

191. Helping people. Helping people.

192. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Don't stop.

193. Give me a hug.

194. Baseball. Huh?

195. Frank, what the hell are you doing here?

196. Those dickwads threw me off my own work site!

197. So how's the old vision board coming? You getting everything you want?

198. No. Actually, we just started the whole makeover process.

199. We realized the reason why the Juarez family hasn't achieved the American dream yet...

200. is because they haven't envisioned it strong enough.

201. So we're having them do their own vision boards. Ah.

202. Why don't you be a lamb and pass out some materials. What?

203. Go on. Be helpful! Do something positive with your life.

204. Piece of shit. Magazines, magazines.

205. Here! Magazines.

206. Cut 'em out with this? What are you looking at?

207. Frank, she doesn't understand what you're saying.

208. You gotta say "corte." That means "cut." ¡Corte! ¡Corte!

209. Oh, no!

210. I am gonna blast your face off!

211. I am gonna blast your face off. Shh! Shh!

212. No one's gonna blast anything. No one's gonna blast your face.

213. No one's gonna do that. What did you say to her?

214. I said what you said to say to her and she stabbed me in the leg with the goddamn scissors!

215. Deal with it. Deal with this. All right.

216. Baje tu herramienta de corte, por favor.

217. Um— Hombre está loco con pistola.

218. Loco. Very loco. Right?

219. Y hace peligro para todos nosotros.

220. Yeah. Okay. Careful. Watch it.

221. Um, um, um— No hace que hombre le lastima.

222. ¿Sí? That makes sense, yeah? Sí, sí, sí.

223. Oh, God. I'm really good at this. They got it.

224. Dennis! Yo. Last-minute thing.

225. Gotta have this. Brilliant idea. We need a project for 'em, dude.

226. Huh? So, we got ourselves a little Mexican girl here.

227. I'm thinking, well, what does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?

228. Mmm. Tacos. Tacos, buddy!

229. So, why not make for her a taco bed?

230. You know what I mean? Okay!

231. She gets to, like, be in a taco every day. So, okay.

232. I got yellow sheets. That's cheese. Green, guacamole.

233. Red little pillow for salsa.

234. I got cute little brown p.j.'s so she gets to feel like ground meat while she's sleeping.

235. She's the ground meat in the middle. She's the ground meat!

236. I like that, man. That's a good idea. Uh-oh.

237. Hey, what is this, um, blowtorch for, man?

238. Well, that's a propane torch. That thing's badass. It's like a flamethrower.

239. Okay. But what function is it gonna serve?

240. It's for the renovation, man. It's for the controlled burns. Oh.

241. I don't think they do controlled burns, man. Are you kidding me?

242. Bro, they definitely do controlled burns on the— They do it off screen.

243. Off screen! How do you think they tear down an entire wall so quickly?

244. They burn it up. The community's got a lot to do with it.

245. And then maybe it's for burning the actual rubble. It's for tearing stuff down.

246. Are you sure we need it? I'm not sure we— They take stuff outside—

247. I'm buying it, so ring that up. What are we looking at here?

248. That'll be $3,212.11.

249. We're just gonna go ahead and put all this on the Extreme Home Makeover account.

250. Ring it up. I have no idea what you're talking about.

251. Really? Uh, we're performing an extreme home makeover.

252. So do you not have a button for that? Yeah, yeah.

253. We're helping out a family in need. We're gonna do some good deeds.

254. We got a vision board thing going. This is a legitimate operation here, okay?

255. This is the real deal. I got a whole taco bed— You know what?

256. Um, if you just give us the stuff, we'll be on our way.

257. I'm sorry. We don't just give stuff away.

258. Okay. I don't know why you're breaking my balls here.

259. Sears does this. Okay, Sears gives people stuff.

260. Sears doesn't get anything out of it! Sears doesn't come in and start—

261. Look, we don't have any money, okay? What are we supposed to do here?

262. I don't know what to tell you.

263. If you don't have a bad credit history, you can open up a store credit card.

264. Well, yeah. Credit card, huh?

265. Yeah.

266. All right. Just go ahead and sign right there, and we're all set.

267. Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.

268. We need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt.

269. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.

270. We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is?

271. To go from no debt to good, old-fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it.

272. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.

273. I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

274. Well, that's a great vision. Guys, no can do. We're on a very tight schedule.

275. But we got him here. Does anyone know why Frank has been pointing a camera at us?

276. I'll tell you why. Because I'm tired of this Secret bullshit.

277. All it got me was a stab wound in the leg.

278. So I'm gonna record everything you do. Why?

279. Because I know you're gonna fail.

280. Then I can watch it over and over again. That's ridiculous.

281. Whatever, Frank. You know, I'm glad you're getting all this on tape.

282. Then we'll have proof of how amazingly generous we're being today.

283. You're gonna prove that The Secret is real.

284. We are all done here, so I'm gonna roll. All right, grab him.

285. Thank you very much. Let's go and do this.

286. Most gracias— Good luck. All right. Got the store card now.

287. Let's go ahead and ring that up.

288. Bro, I'm not sure I have the right look here.

289. No, you do, man. You just gotta start thinking of the tool belt as an extension of yourself.

290. It needs to reflect you as an individual. Do you feel that?

291. Is that all that it is? That's all it is, bro.

292. How come you got awesome fray on your shorts? I don't have that.

293. Well, ha-ha! That, sir, is because you purchased blue jean shorts,

294. whereas I purchased blue jeans and cut 'em, thus the fray.

295. It's a more authentic look. I think that's what you're feeling.

296. And then why did you cut them so high? Way higher than mine.

297. I thought you might ask that. It limits restriction of leg movement.

298. You're gonna get more work done 'cause you got more legroom. Exactly.

299. Are you sure about that? Let me do a little demonstration on you.

300. Take the tool belt off for a second. Yeah, yeah.

301. Let me just demonstrate something. Let's get a demo.

302. Take a wide stance. Take the widest stance that you possibly can.

303. Let me see what that looks like. Okay. Leg movement. This is—

304. Go wide as you can. If I'm going wide— and I'm being honest with you—

305. - I'm maxing out about here. - That's not bad.

306. But check this out.

307. Go. Go, go.

308. Whoa! Any more?

309. That's it. But that's pretty wide, right?

310. That is good. You know? And you're not getting any high ride.

311. I'm getting a high ride, but the shorts aren't preventing me from doing what I need to do.

312. And that's the shorts. That's exactly right, man.

313. See, your shorts, they're holding you back, man. That and your hips.

314. But I gotta tell ya, the shorts aren't helping.

315. Oh, this— this is really all good shit. This is like gold.

316. What are you gonna do next? You are catching all this, right?

317. I got everything. This is what we're gonna do next.

318. Charlie, grab me that propane torch. I'm gonna burn the wall.

319. Let's go at it with the wrecking ball for a little while.

320. Really? It'll be more extreme, and kinda awesome.

321. Let's do that then. You do the wrecking ball thing.

322. I'm gonna do a little introduction thing, then you do the wrecking ball.

323. Do you want to wear the belt? Mm-mmm.

324. I'm gonna be the only one wearing the belt? Just jeans and no shirt.

325. Wait. Can I see the stance one more time? Yeah.

326. - That— I can go lower. - Bro, that is badass.

327. All right. Is yours wedged in too?

328. Mine is completely wedged in.

329. We can't even get anything past the surface of this thing.

330. There's like a hard surface past the thin surface.

331. Concrete or brick or something behind—

332. I was envisioning this being a lot easier than it's turning out to be.

333. Use the blowtorch. Great. It's time.

334. No. Hang on a second. Let me grab the flame.

335. He's absolutely right. I think I know what the problem is.

336. Look, I'm the one who watches Home Makeover.

337. I think I know what we're not doing right here. What?

338. We haven't brought the neighborhood in yet. Absolutely great idea.

339. Bring the neighbors in. Oh, my neighbors are great.

340. Yo. Hey, come here.

341. So did the neighborhood rob us? Oh, oh!

342. Did the neighborhood rob— Yeah, Charlie. And they took my goddamn tool belt!

343. I could not have anticipated— You want to talk into the camera and cry a little?

344. You invaded our face with that camera, man! You know what, man?

345. You know what? Just— Get me the flamethrower. I'm so sick of this wall.

346. I want to burn it up now! Okay, it's time.

347. Okay, there's also a fire extinguisher too. Great.

348. I think we should use this, man. I think we should too.

349. So here's how this is gonna go down. I will light a fire on the wall.

350. Charlie, have that extinguisher ready...

351. 'cause I don't want the fire to spread past the parameters of this wall.

352. I will create a parameter with the fire extinguisher.

353. The only safe way to do this, okay? It'll be perfectly safe.

354. Then once the wall's all weakened from the burned-up fires,

355. we're gonna kick it to pieces, smash it, take the rubble outside and burn that too.

356. Burn that too. And then I'll put it out with this. Perfect.

357. And then I'll get started on my taco bed. That sounds good.

358. Hey, hey, before you do that, why don't you open that window there and get a nice back draft?

359. Now he wants to start helping us.

360. That's the first sensible thing you've said all day, Frank.

361. It's extreme, just like we are. Charlie, go crank open a window.

362. Let's get a back draft going. Frank, you ready?

363. I've never been ready for anything more in my entire life!

364. Well, all right. Let's do this.

365. Well, Mac, I think we have successfully pulled off one extreme makeover.

366. Yeah. I love their eyes.

367. Now while we wait, I was thinking we expose them...

368. to some good, old-fashioned American cinema.

369. Oh. Apocalypto.

370. They can learn about how their ancestors used to be savages...

371. until Mel Gibson and the Catholics came in and saved everybody.

372. Oh!

373. Oh, hey, Frank. Hey, Frank.

374. You're just in time. Point that video camera at the new and improved Juarez family.

375. Whoa. They look freaky as shit.

376. Wait till you get a load of their ancestors.

377. Pop a squat, bro, 'cause we're gonna watch a sweet-ass flick.

378. Oh, no, no, no. I got something better to do. Bag 'em and bring 'em with us.

379. Come on. Yes, let's go.

380. In fact, bag yourselves, too, because I want this to be a surprise.

381. Okay. All right.

382. Come on. Right this way. Keep walking straight. Frank. Goddamn it.

383. It's hard to breathe in these bags. Straight, straight, straight.

384. Okay. Hold it right here.

385. All right now— Excuse me. Please, come over here— the family.

386. I want you on this side. My head is sweating like shit, Frank!

387. All right. Take the bags off.

388. Whoa! You got— You got a bus, just like in the show!

389. It's all about the reveal. Ready?

390. Okay, yeah. One, two, three!

391. Move that bus!

392. Whoo!

393. Unbelievable.

394. I cannot believe the judge made me give my mansion to the Juarez family.

395. I can't believe their name isn't Juarez.

396. Was anyone else surprised by that? It was a shocker.

397. Yeah. You know, it's a broken system we got here. It's a broken system.

398. But at least we managed to avoid arson charges, right? Boom.

399. That's good. Yeah. Frank, I guess you're right. The Secret's bullshit.

400. Yeah. You try to help people, and you just wind up getting screwed.