It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4x1

1. Would you describe this piece as more savory or succulent?

2. Well, it's definitely way too overcooked to be succulent. But it's still pretty delicious.

3. It's still savory, right? Mm-hmm.

4. What if we soaked it in beer? Do you think that would help it regain its succulence?

5. Like a beer rub? Mm-hmm.

6. That's actually really smart. Mac, grab us some beers.

7. Bite my bird. What are you eating?

8. Dude, Dee and I cooked up a great steak.

9. Frank's got this whole fridge full of these delicious meats that I've been stealing.

10. You guys want to try some of this?

11. Someone who sweats as much as you should not work with food.

12. Charlie! You son of a bitch!

13. I told you to stay away from my meat! Spit it out! Come on, man.

14. Spit it! Spit it out! Now! You too! Spit!

15. Come on. Right there.

16. - Why are you such a selfish jerk? - Hey!

17. I killed the deer, I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.

18. - Wait. You shot a deer? - That's right. Ten-point buck.

19. Right between its soulful little eyes.

20. - Since when do you hunt, bro? - Since always. I'm a great hunter.

21. How does hunting a defenseless creature make you a good hunter?

22. You should go after something that could defend itself. Yeah.

23. You know, a really great hunter would go after something that could hunt him back.

24. Oh! Like a man.

25. - Hell, yeah, dude. A man? - Don't even joke about hunting no man.

26. Who's joking? I'm not joking. No.

27. I think that hunting a man would be the only true test of a good hunter.

28. Oh, yeah? I was hunted once. I just came back from 'Nam.

29. I was hitching through Oregon, and some cop started harassing me.

30. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods!

31. I had to take 'em all out. It was a bloodbath.

32. That's Rambo, dude.

33. - What? - You just described the plot of Rambo.

34. That's from the first one. It's First Blood.

35. I think you're confusing your life with Rambo.

36. Not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.

37. You know what? It's actually making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.

38. Really? Me too, dude. I'm just throwing that out there.

39. No! You do not go on a manhunt.

40. Screw you. Yeah.

41. Try that one. This one?

42. Mm-hmm. And get a little bit of the sauce with it. I don't have any sauce left.

43. It's the natural juices, by the way. It's not an actual sauce. It's so good.

44. Oh, my God. Good job. Mm-hmm.

45. I can't believe that dick hole, though, put the lock on the refrigerator.

46. What a son of a bitch. That wasn't cool.

47. You know what though? At least he forgot about this piece. That dumb ass.

48. But did you do something different though? 'Cause it's so good this time.

49. I barely cooked it. Really?

50. I'm talking like not at all. No kidding?

51. What I did, I slapped it on the radiator for a minute. That's pretty gross.

52. And that warmed it. No, but it's clean enough. It's so good. I don't care.

53. Okay, good. Well, well, well, what have we here?

54. Looks like you two have been enjoying my meat!

55. Yes. We have been, you fascist meat hog. Yeah!

56. Hey, Frankie. ♪ Sharing, it's a rule now ♪

57. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves.

58. Maybe we should open up a bottle of dessert wine.

59. A nice port that would complement...

60. what you have just eaten.

61. By the way, you know what you've just eaten, right?

62. Was it venison? You wish it was venison!

63. Was it a horse? Horse?

64. That which you have just eaten,

65. that which your teeth have just torn apart,

66. your taste buds have savored,

67. that was human meat.

68. Yeah, okay. You're so stupid.

69. You're so stupid! Thank you for the human meat, Frank.

70. Thank you for our human meat. It was delicious. You're welcome.

71. I knew you were gonna steal from me again. You're stupid.

72. That's why I put a lock on the fridge. Yeah.

73. And only left one piece of meat out. Mm-hmm, okay.

74. Human meat. All right, where'd you get the human meat from, Frank?

75. I got a guy. You got a guy?

76. You got a human meat guy? I got a guy for everything, Charlie.

77. You're so full of shit. Oh, yeah, Deandra? You think I'm full of shit?

78. Mm-hmm. Well, you enjoy yourselves now.

79. Thank you. I am glad you had a good time eating...

80. Thank you. human meat.

81. That wasn't human meat though, was it?

82. No!

83. Hey-o! Dennis, I did it! It took me all day,

84. but I finally finished the list of 10 people that would be perfect to hunt.

85. Great. And I totally respect your opinion, but I've already made a decision.

86. That's the complete opposite of respecting my opinion. Hey, don't I know it.

87. Check it out, bro.

88. Hey. Dennis, are you sure Dee is coming?

89. Yeah, yeah, she's coming. She just wants to look great for your big date.

90. Cricket, bro? Are you serious? Yeah, man. He's perfect.

91. You don't believe me? Check it out. Cricket, come out here for a second, please.

92. Yeah. Just stand before us here. Now check out his legs.

93. See how they've almost healed? They're, like, pretty much back to perfect.

94. Yeah. And check out his cane.

95. It looks like he's whittled it into some sort of defensive tool.

96. Wow. Bet that makes you quite formidable, huh?

97. Okay, what's going on here? Huh?

98. Where's Dee? Admit it, Mac. He's perfect.

99. Yeah. Yeah, he'll do just fine. Oh, God.

100. Oh, God. I knew you were up to something.

101. You're gonna harvest my organs, aren't you? Yeah. Hey, relax.

102. You're gonna probe— Cricket, relax. Relax. Take it easy.

103. You don't want to be all nervous and sweaty when Dee gets here. So she is coming?

104. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay.

105. For a second there, I thought you guys were gonna do something terrible to me.

106. Yeah, we are. She's not coming. No. We're gonna hunt you.

107. - What? - We are going to hunt you, Cricket.

108. Why?

109. I'd spend less time asking questions and more time running. Yeah.

110. What happens if— if I get caught? Ooh, don't get caught!

111. Don't get caught.

112. Whoa! There he goes.

113. And the hunt begins. Indeed. Indeed.

114. This is gonna be fun.

115. What do you suppose is gonna happen when we do catch him?

116. I suppose we do something tea bag related. Mmm.

117. Dee! You're home. Thank God. Okay, let's talk.

118. Let's have a quick conversation. What do you think?

119. I couldn't sleep last night. Could you? No.

120. And I'll tell you why. Yesterday. Yesterday.

121. - What's going on? - Oh, my God, Charlie. I didn't want to say anything.

122. But I'm thinking there's something strange going on with this meat situation.

123. Yes! Now I know it's crazy, the idea of Frank feeding us human meat.

124. Yes! But I've been trying to disprove it. I absolutely can't.

125. You can't do it, can you? Let's talk the taste.

126. The taste, Charlie. The taste. I can't get the taste out of my mouth!

127. You can't get it out, right? Absolutely not.

128. Have you tried all sorts of other meats? Like deli meats and sandwich meats?

129. Absolutely! Did you go crazy just licking everything in your apartment?

130. Like your shoe? I even licked the cat's fanny. Like nothing's working, right?

131. Maybe it's a trick, okay?

132. Maybe he went and got some weird exotic meat that we wouldn't think to try.

133. It's not like regular grocery store kind of meat. Not meat from a grocery store.

134. It's like he got it from some weird place. Well, let's think here.

135. Let's put our heads together. Where could Frank go to get mysterious meat?

136. This is the place, huh? This is what we're looking for.

137. Just start grabbing as much stuff as you can.

138. We'll take that big brown mound, and the curly stuff.

139. Then this thing that looks like a blanket, definitely. Try some of that.

140. Oh, oh, oh! What about a monkey? Monkeys are like nature's humans.

141. I doubt they have monkey, Charlie. People eat monkey, Dee.

142. They ate it in Temple of Doom. You ever see that?

143. Hey.

144. We got monkey.

145. Oh. Well, would you look at that? Great.

146. One monkey also then, please.

147. Yeah, baby!

148. This hunt is gonna be so awesome, dude! Yeah, bro!

149. This is what it must feel like before you go into battle! Oh, my God.

150. I know, man. I'm so excited. Feel my nips. Holy smokes!

151. They're super hard, right? Whoo! You could cut glass with these bad boys.

152. - I know, right? - What the hell are you doing?

153. I'm feeling his nips, Frank.

154. I am so excited for this hunt my nips are doing stuff they've never done before. Feel 'em.

155. - What hunt? - We're gonna hunt Cricket.

156. I thought we went over this already. You do not hunt a man!

157. Don't bring me down. Not right now. Not while my nips are like this.

158. You know, you hunt a man, he could snap like a twig.

159. Next thing you know, he's up at night, he's burning down a village in 'Nam,

160. he's killing everything that moves, everything that lives!

161. You're talking about Rambo again. Oh, no. That happened to me.

162. You're thinking of John Rambo's life every time you— I'm not. This happened to me.

163. - That never happened to you, Frank. - It happened to me, Mac.

164. You're confusing your life with Rambo again.

165. No! No, Charlie! This is not right. I still have the craving.

166. I have it too. I have it even worse than before I think.

167. Something really weird is happening to me.

168. Frank fed us human meat and we got the hunger. The hunger?

169. That's how you become a cannibal, Dee. You get one taste of delicious human meat,

170. none of this stuff ever satisfies you ever again.

171. Now I just think that you're overreacting, okay? Oh, really?

172. Yeah, that's stupid. Is that stupid? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee!

173. Well, then I guess Jaws IV is stupid, okay, because that's the exact same plot!

174. Okay! All right, calm down! Before you start accusing us of becoming cannibals or sharks...

175. or whatever it is you're trying to say,

176. I think we need to find out if what we ate was actually human.

177. No shit. That's what we've been doing.

178. I ate a— monkey, Dee! You don't understand me.

179. I think we need to try a piece of human flesh.

180. Oh, God. Just to make sure.

181. That's the only way. Right?

182. How we gonna do this? The morgue? Hear me out.

183. It's a dead body— Sold.

184. You don't even have to tell me. That's where you find dead bodies.

185. It's a great idea, right? And we'll only have a tiny little bit.

186. And then we'll know. We'll know for sure. We'll be off the hook.

187. I got a hot plate. I'm gonna get some beers.

188. - Any sign of him? - No.

189. But word on the street is he's out here begging most Saturdays.

190. He'll be here. Don't worry about it. God, hunting is awesome, Dennis!

191. Yeah. You get to wear sweet clothes and get wasted all day.

192. It's just like our normal lives, except at the end of it,

193. we get to put our nuts in some dude's mouth.

194. Uh, yeah. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that aspect of it.

195. What's up? You're not happy with the plan? Look, dude.

196. We've been tea bagging Cricket since high school. Yeah!

197. I feel like we need to make some progress.

198. I think we should give him a gorilla mask. What's a gorilla mask?

199. You put something sticky all over his face. And then sprinkle it with shaved pubes.

200. Mmm, no, I don't like it. What? What's not to like?

201. Cricket with a face full of pubes? Hilarious.

202. But where are we supposed to get that many pubes, man? We shave!

203. That's gonna be a problem. I laser. It's like a turtle shell down there.

204. What? Yeah. Look, man. Classics are classics for a reason, okay?

205. Why go and mess with that? Well, it's called progress, Dennis.

206. I don't want to make progress! We're sticking with the tea bagging!

207. But tea bagging doesn't even leave a mark! Well, fine!

208. I'll dip my nuts in ink or something and then put it in his mouth! That make you happy?

209. Well— Yeah, actually. I think that's a pretty good idea.

210. - It leaves a mark all over him. - Holy shit. I'm glad we just thought of it.

211. So we can dunk him down and, like— Whoo! Cheers, man.

212. Glad we went through that. We're free thinking outside the box.

213. Cricket! Get him!

214. Get him, get him, get him, get him!

215. Okay, how did his legs just do that? I'm not doing that, Dennis.

216. No. That was incredibly dangerous. Let's go polish off that case.

217. Did not know he was capable of that. Yo.

218. Okay.

219. Hi. Hi.

220. Sorry to bug you here. How— How are you?

221. I'm good.

222. We're two friends of— of one of the dead people that you have in there.

223. Very close friends. Uh— And we wanted to—

224. Spend some time maybe. We wanted to say good-bye.

225. Say good-bye to her, him, or— To him, I—

226. He had a— A long life that was good.

227. What's the hot plate for?

228. The hot— The hot plate is because—

229. Our friend was a— He was a chef—

230. A chef who cooked— Of small plates of things.

231. Many small items on a hot plate. He mostly just heated it up.

232. And we thought maybe if he saw or was near the hot plate one more time—

233. It would make him feel— Right, right, right, right.

234. Look, spare me the act. I'll give you guys the same deal I give everyone else.

235. 50 bucks gets you 10 minutes alone with the bodies.

236. What? What is he talking about?

237. I gotta say though, I ain't never seen a guy and a girl...

238. bang one of these stiffs at the same time.

239. Are you kidding me, guy? Okay, you've got the wrong idea.

240. You've got the wrong idea about us. That's really gross.

241. We were gonna come in and have a bite of— Uh-uh—

242. I don't judge you guys. It's cool.

243. I like yogurt up my ass and a Popsicle stick in my mouth.

244. Oh, my God, man! You know what? Let's just give this guy his 50 bucks!

245. Whatever, man! You're the one with the hot plate. That is—

246. - Weirdo. - That is much worse.

247. Okay, yeah. I'm the weirdo says the guy with the yogurt up his ass.

248. Holy shit. Holy shit.

249. Ooh, these are dead bodies. Two dead guys.

250. This is the real deal here.

251. I don't think I can eat this guy. No. I don't think I can, right?

252. What is that? I don't know.

253. It's not because he's black though, right? What?

254. Okay. Well, no. I just don't think so. No.

255. It's because he's dead, right? It's because he's dead.

256. It's because he's dead. Okay, good, good, good. That's why not.

257. Now I got a question for you. Mm-hmm.

258. Is it racist if we don't eat this guy?

259. Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is. I'm sorry, Dee. I just—

260. The white guy looks better to me for some reason. He looks so much better.

261. What is that? You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.

262. No, I prefer the white meat. I always have. Yeah. So it's not that guy.

263. It's this guy. The problem is I'm gonna have a really hard time...

264. if we're both cannibals and we're racists. We're not, Dee!

265. I just want to make sure— Cannibalism? Racism, Dee? That's not for us.

266. You know, those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington.

267. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.

268. Well, you lost me with Washington. But the rest I agree with.

269. So let's eat a piece of this white guy. Let's get him.

270. I don't think I can do it.

271. No, me neither. No. Hey, the good news is that means we're not racist.

272. Yeah, I guess so. Okay, okay, okay.

273. I made it! I'm fast as lightning.

274. I'm fast as lightning. I beat you, bitches.

275. Hey, street rat.

276. Don't— Hey, hey, hey!

277. I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to help you turn the tables on Mac and Dennis.

278. What do you mean? I want to show those bastards it ain't okay to hunt humans!

279. Yeah? They drew first blood, not you.

280. They what?

281. They drew first blood!

282. What is that? Is that, uh— Is that Rambo?

283. No, I made that up. No, no, no. Yeah, that's Rambo.

284. You want me to help you or not? Yes. Yes.

285. All right. Come on. Let's go.

286. Holy shit.

287. Holy shit, dude. Holy shit! "Tag! You're it!" And a knife?

288. What the hell is this, man? Why you laughing? Stop laughing, dude.

289. This is serious shit. Yeah?

290. What? Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? You gorilla masked me?

291. Yes! Bro, you gotta admit, that is so much more awesome than tea bagging!

292. Oh, yeah? Take a look at your mouth. You tell me.

293. You put your balls in my mouth while I was sleeping?

294. - Yeah, man. Twice. - That's rape! That is borderline rape!

295. - You got a lot of pubic hair. - Well, not anymore.

296. Yeah, I guess not. Jesus, man, what's with the note? What's with the theatrics?

297. - No, I didn't leave it. I thought you left it. - So it was Cricket!

298. - Oh, shit! - Okay, Cricket got to us.

299. - Goddamn it! He got to us. - The good news is the gorilla mask,

300. the purple tea bag, both totally viable options, right?

301. The bad news is it looks like Cricket's finally snapped.

302. We may have pushed him too far, Dennis. What do you think he's gonna do?

303. We need to get to him first. We need to set a trap.

304. Yeah. And how do you catch a Cricket?

305. With a giant bird.

306. Dee, will you calm down.

307. You're eating that cheesesteak like some kind of giant bird, you know?

308. I can't help it, Charlie. I got an insatiable hunger.

309. I know what the hunger is, Dee! Don't start telling me about the hunger. I'm feeling it good!

310. Let's just go back to the morgue, okay? Because this is shit.

311. No, that place is terrible. I can't go back there.

312. Look, Dee, we're cannibals now! I mean, it's pretty obvious to me!

313. It's starting to look that way, isn't it? It's a fact. That's what it is.

314. Look, if we don't feed the hunger, we could die from it. It's not our fault. It's nature.

315. That's nature. That's what happens. People die from the hunger.

316. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. All the time that happens.

317. We don't want that to happen. I don't want it to happen to me. You want it to happen to you?

318. No. I don't want it to happen to me. But I'm not going back to that morgue.

319. We gotta do something about it. I know. Oh, Charlie.

320. I wanted to eat that lady so bad. I did too!

321. We're gonna have to do it! We're gonna have to find a living human being.

322. Because it's dead meat. And dead meat's bad meat. No, not the morgue.

323. What? I'm with you on this. And this thing.

324. I've never wanted that before. I want it now. But I want it now.

325. We gotta find a guy, and we gotta kill that guy, and we gotta eat it.

326. Somebody a little rotund maybe. Yeah.

327. Somebody— That nobody'll start asking questions about—

328. Oh, right. If he's missing.

329. When we do that, we don't want any questions. We don't want to get caught.

330. Someone no one in the world could ever care about! Spare change?

331. Ow! Goddamn, dude! These are not coming off. Seriously.

332. Oh, no. They're not going to. I used airplane glue, bro.

333. That's gonna be your look for a while.

334. Now run me through how we're gonna do this with Dee. I'll talk her into it.

335. Dee. Ah, great. We need to use you as bait for our Cricket trap.

336. What in the hell is going on here? Who is this?

337. No, no. We don't want to know his name. Go away!

338. No, wait, wait! Dee, what— Oh, my God, no! What are we doing?

339. What? You know what, kid? You gotta get outta here, man.

340. It's not safe for you. Dee, we can't do this! No, no. Charlie, listen to me.

341. Listen to me good. If we don't eat this kid, we are gonna die.

342. Oh, my God! I want to eat him as much as you want to eat him!

343. - But it's wrong to do it! - No, it's not! No, come—

344. - Go back to the streets! - So you were gonna eat that kid—

345. - You don't have the hunger. - We don't give a shit about any of this.

346. Dee, Cricket trap, bait, you? Hmm?

347. Hello? Hey, Frank. Frank?

348. Speaker? Yeah, hold on.

349. Is Dennis with you? Uh, yeah.

350. Good. Mac and Dennis, prepare to be burned alive.

351. This is the point where I would normally burn you alive.

352. But I just did it to prove a point. And I think I made my point.

353. Frank. Hey, Frank. Hey, Frank. Hey, Frankie.

354. Good to see you. Good to see you, man.

355. Look. Can you get us some more of that human meat? Bodies, please.

356. Are you still going on about the meat?

357. I didn't feed you human meat. It was a raccoon!

358. Huh? What?

359. You ate raccoon meat!

360. I told you it was people...

361. because I wanted to freak you out because you're stealing my food.

362. No. No, no. No, no.

363. Then why am I always hungry? And I have stomach pains.

364. It hurts. And nothing satisfies my hunger.

365. You probably got a tapeworm. That coon meat is lousy with parasites.

366. Okay. Are we done here? Because we are bored as shit.

367. No, no, no, no, no. Not yet.

368. Get ready for a mouthful...

369. of strawberry blond-haired covered balls.

370. Frank, grab 'em. We're not doing that.

371. Get out. What do you mean we're not doing it?

372. I lied. What?

373. What is it with you people? You guys are always touching each other's nipples,

374. putting your balls in each other's mouths.

375. It's fun. It's funny.

376. I just don't understand your generation.

377. Raccoon meat! Bullshit!

378. What? That was human meat and I know it!

379. Look! I don't give a shit what you think. Oh, really?

380. I'm gonna chop off a piece of that fat little calf muscle of yours, Frank,

381. and I'm gonna eat it! Oh, yes.

382. - We're gonna put it on the hot plate, right? - Yes, Charlie. Get him!

383. - Oh! You can't run from me! - Get him! Get him!

384. And I guess the hunt is on once again. Indeed it is.

385. - They're gonna have so much fun. - Oh, those two are gonna have a blast, huh?

386. So I guess the only thing that's left is to figure out what to do with Mr. Cricket.

387. Yeah. Oh, what to do, what to do.

388. I guess it's just us. Yeah.

389. It's just you and us...

390. and a couple pairs of sour, sweaty balls.