It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x7

1. Goddamn, I'm bored!

2. - Come on. Let's do something. We're a little busy, Frank.

3. - What the hell are you reading? - "In Touch".

4. In Touch? Why would you read that crap?

5. We're trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening.

6. Sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.

7. Wanna be informed? Read a newspaper.

8. Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.

9. No, no, no. But, Dennis, look. "Plutonium smuggled into Syria."

10. (gasps) That's gonna change my life drastically.

11. Everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation!

12. Don't you get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking?

13. - What? Is that a joke? - How could you get tired of that?

14. Hey-oh! What's up, bitches? What is up?

15. Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on!

16. - I'm gonna be on the news! - Oh, my God.

17. There was an accident. The news talker asked Mac what happened.

18. - He totally went off! - I went off for 20 minutes.

19. - It was amazing. I totally popped. - You did. You're gonna be famous.

20. Shut up! Shut up!

21. This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street

22. where two buses collided just minutes ago.

23. We talked to one local resident who had this to say.

24. It was absolutely crazy.

25. Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident.

26. Back to you, Jim.

27. What the hell was that?

28. - You really popped. - I think you're gonna be a star.

29. A big star. Be in a magazine.

30. I talked for 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks.

31. And that we should only have yellow lights

32. because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.

33. That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.

34. The point is that bastard newscaster just went there and cut it all up

35. just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.

36. - Nobody's getting real news! - That's not real news.

37. Remember when we made the news for 8th grade for social studies?

38. - That was real news. - We didn't distort facts!

39. - We told it like it was. - Yes!

40. I remember that video.

41. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

42. - That was what was happening! - That's what was going on!

43. That was the truth.

44. We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.

45. We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.

46. - We can make better news. - We could.

47. - Want me to grab my camera? - Yes. Just like the old days.

48. Let's go out there. Let's make some news.

49. I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here.

50. That's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt.

51. That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys.

52. How's anybody gonna get hurt?

53. - How much more tape? - I don't want it to jiggle around.

54. I don't want to put any more tape. I'm the one carrying it.

55. What are you guys doing?

56. I've put a light on the front of the camera.

57. It makes the news talker look brighter.

58. - It looked fine when we did it. - Frank's got a good idea here.

59. We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.

60. - Anybody can get on that! - Yeah.

61. What? Nobody watches that shit!

62. Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.

63. Is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here.

64. - What is this? - This is public access.

65. God, that is so strange. Ew.

66. Should I turn it off? - No! Well, don't jump to...

67. - Keep it on for a little bit. - Let's watch it for a little while.

68. Do it. (laughs)

69. - Get after it. - Yeah, yeah.

70. Let's turn it off! Turn it off! Shut it off!

71. Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant

72. and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.

73. - Holy shit! I didn't know that! - He's making it up, Charlie.

74. - Why would you do that? - That's a great story!

75. It scares the shit out of everybody. Everybody will be terrified.

76. We don't want to just scare people.

77. We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.

78. - Expose real crime and corruption. - What?

79. People don't care about that shit.

80. They want glitz, glamour, celebrities.

81. They wanna read shit that helps them forget how miserable they are.

82. Pretend to know what it's like to be famous

83. 'cause that's what everybody wants.

84. Everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything.

85. Easiest job in the world.

86. You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.

87. No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore.

88. You could be famous, you're a dirty, drunk whore already.

89. I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club,

90. let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.

91. Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.

92. Boom. You'd be famous like that.

93. I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts,

94. but I see where you're going with it.

95. I'll talk you into it at some point.

96. I could be famous by being friends with you.

97. - Absolutely. - Great. Good luck with that.

98. Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.

99. Boom!

100. Why'd you drag us to a place like this?

101. It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.

102. Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay?

103. - These places are like prisons. - Like people getting ass-raped?

104. - What? Oh, my God, dude. - Not like people getting ass-raped.

105. People don't want to be here because they feel...

106. Because they're getting ass-raped.

107. - Nobody's getting ass-raped, Frank! - Stop saying "ass-raped."

108. We're locked and loaded. I'm ready to shoot this thing.

109. - Let's talk to this woman. - Let's go. Come on. Let's move.

110. I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.

111. - Here we go. - Ready? In, three, two, one.

112. Good afternoon, Philadelphia.

113. This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.

114. - Go, go, go, go. - Hello, miss. What's your name?

115. - Irvene Simon. - Hello, Irvene.

116. Why don't you tell us what's really going on here?

117. - Cool face. Hold it. Hold it. - Well, I get up around 5:00.

118. 5:30, if it's bingo the night before.

119. Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit.

120. - She steals the grapes! - I do not!

121. Check her purse!

122. I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it.

123. - Good save. - Then after breakfast,

124. I like to sit and read recipes.

125. I don't even know how to cook. (laughs)

126. Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?

127. My grandson's birthday's on Friday.

128. No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like?

129. - The blacks. - Cut!

130. Cut! Cut that!

131. What are you cutting for? That was starting to get good.

132. It was not good. It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist.

133. - Is it hot in here? - I meant to bring this up.

134. How are you sweating so much? It's freezing!

135. - It's freezing! - They try to keep them alive.

136. - Meat spoils slower in a fridge. - So they keep it cold.

137. - That interview was terrible. - It was terrible.

138. - We need a more exciting truth. - We do. Yeah.

139. Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground!

140. We're not setting a nursing home on fire!

141. Those curtains would go up like a snap.

142. We need to find a more exciting part of the city.

143. Wait a second. I know just the place.

144. The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!

145. Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys.

146. Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right?

147. People here love to... Look at this guy.

148. He's definitely a drifter.

149. He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.

150. And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting?

151. - It leads to bickering. - They always bicker.

152. Which, of course, leads to karate.

153. Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window

154. and treetop to treetop.

155. Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.

156. There's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands!

157. He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that.

158. His eyes go all white and shit. And Kurt Russell fights him.

159. Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming.

160. What the hell are these guys doing?

161. They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.

162. They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate.

163. We gotta find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.

164. - No one cares about that, Frank. - This guy looks sick.

165. That's the same fish they just passed to each other.

166. Like bird flu, fish flu.

167. We gotta get 'em to fight. They just passed the same fish back and forth.

168. You think we could get 'em to fight?

169. Here we go. What's that?

170. That looks exciting. Let's go.

171. - It's a bunch of people. Let's go. - Charlie, fire up that camera.

172. I'm doing it. (all shouting)

173. Can you see sweat? I'm sweating a little bit.

174. So much.

175. - Yeah? Okay. What if I do... - That's better. Go.

176. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown,

177. where a large crowd gathered for what can be a martial arts showdown.

178. - You look scared. - I'm sorry. I'm sweating. It's hot.

179. - Martial arts. - Martial arts expo... Just go in.

180. - Goddamn it! Love-30.

181. - A pandemic. - Bird flu! Bird flu!

182. - I think he's choking, guys. - What? He is choking!

183. - Frank, give him the Heimlich! - I'm not gonna touch him.

184. - I don't know what he's got. - Do you know the Heimlich?

185. I don't! Punch him in the stomach or something.

186. Okay. (all gasp)

187. - Oh, baby! - I did it?

188. - You okay? - I did it!

189. I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah!

190. That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.

191. - I'm a hero! - You got that, right, Charlie?

192. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank.

193. - What? - I did and I didn't.

194. You were pointing the camera at him, right?

195. You got it, right? The punch and everything, right?

196. I did point the camera at it. But I did not put a tape in here.

197. - What? - What are you talking about?

198. The problem was that I got the flashlight on.

199. And I taped the whole deal up.

200. I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.

201. I didn't have much more duct tape.

202. So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.

203. So you never put a tape in?

204. While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!

205. Oh, my God! See what's happening? We're getting a yelling...

206. - Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! - Oh, I'm sorry!

207. I forgot to put a tape in! I forgot to put a tape in!

208. All right, all right, all right! All right.

209. Here's what we do. We re-create your heroic moment.

210. That's it. We do it again.

211. - We just re-create it? Yes!

212. This time we put a tape in. Take the light off of it maybe.

213. Maybe we don't sweat so much. Maybe we'll wear more makeup.

214. Don't blame it on my sweat glands. That's not fair.

215. We'll re-create the whole thing. And you know, you can...

216. And this time I could look a little bit more heroic.

217. You could look a lot more heroic, bro.

218. We'll put enough makeup on you. You'll look like the shit.

219. - Let's just make some news, please. - All right.

220. (slurring) Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever!

221. For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside.

222. Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line.

223. I gotta be honest. I feel like I'm just a bit too drunk to stand up.

224. You were supposed to get drunk inside the club, not outside.

225. Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.

226. That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down.

227. Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh!

228. (laughing) Now you're some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.

229. - Night-night. - "Night-night"? Night-night. Great.

230. You want to come in with us?

231. Uh, yeah.

232. - Here, take this. - What is this?

233. (laughs) You'll see.

234. Oh! Oh, my God!

235. Holy shit, it's bright out here!

236. - Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! - What?

237. - Where am I? - I'm crashing pretty hard.

238. - I need to go home and sleep. - What happened last night?

239. Don't make me into the bad guy.

240. I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.

241. It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.

242. Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now?

243. Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? You're not famous yet.

244. You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.

245. We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving.

246. Can...

247. No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.

248. We don't have to wait in line.

249. Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.

250. They shove their way to the front and shit all over the bouncer.

251. Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.

252. You gotta talk down to him. Make him feel like he's beneath you.

253. That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right?

254. - He doesn't want to lose his job. - I don't know.

255. Dee, do you want to be famous or not?

256. - Take a shit on this guy. - Okay.

257. - Shove your way. - I can shit on him, I think.

258. Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way!

259. - Move it! Move it! Hey! - Good start.

260. Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there.

261. - What's your name? - Dee Reynolds.

262. - You on the list? - List?

263. I don't need to be on that list, you idiot.

264. You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you.

265. I clean you off of my shoes at night.

266. I step on you and then I throw away the shoe.

267. That shoe that I just threw away,

268. that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.

269. And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt.

270. You piece of subhuman shit.

271. Whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right?

272. I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer

273. s starting to get on my nerves.

274. I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.

275. Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea?

276. Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas?

277. Is there any thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours?

278. You with her?

279. - No! Nope. - What?

280. - What is your name? - Dennis Reynolds.

281. Dennis Reynolds?

282. Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.

283. - No, no... - Wow. That's awesome.

284. What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right?

285. Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.

286. Wow, Dancing Guy!

287. - Stop pressing so hard. - I have to press hard.

288. You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.

289. - Just make sure that it's even. - I'm gonna make it even.

290. You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more.

291. I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation.

292. Then relax. Calm yourself a little bit.

293. - Hey. - I'm sorry. I just...

294. - No, come on, dude. - That's not such a...

295. - Well, it's... - Okay? Come on, dude.

296. (groans) Right?

297. All right, here it is. You go into the building.

298. You run out. And get the kitties.

299. With the little box of kittens, right?

300. - And you save them. - You save them!

301. I save them from what?

302. - You gonna set this on fire? - No!

303. Charlie, you gonna set this on fire?

304. - Yes. - Goddamn it!

305. You want the show to be a hit or what?

306. I am not running into a burning building!

307. It's gotta be exciting!

308. That's what the news talkers... Come on.

309. Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.

310. If I can't get into any of the clubs,

311. how the hell am I supposed to get famous?

312. Three, two, action. - Good evening, Philadelphia.

313. We've just received word that a litter of adorable kittens

314. is stranded somewhere inside this building

315. that could erupt into flames at any moment!

316. - Who will save them? Good, good.

317. - Now shoot the building now. - What? Okay.

318. - Who will save them? - Move, dude!

319. I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the...

320. Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude!

321. So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out?

322. Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous.

323. - Everybody loves a hero. - Okay. Sounds easy enough.

324. Get to it.

325. Smells overwhelmingly like querosene in here!

326. I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed!

327. Somebody had to save those kittens.

328. They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.

329. - You set me on fire! We set the building on fire.

330. - You happened to catch on fire. - Barely.

331. - Yeah, we put you out. - That's right.

332. I'm on fire! I'm on fire!

333. - Well, I do look really heroic. - No, you do not look heroic!

334. - You threw the box of kittens. - I was on fire!

335. - We gotta shoot this shit again. - Yeah, like fire hurts.

336. - Hey, Dancing Guy! - That's the man.

337. - Now this is entertainment. Oh.

338. I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man.

339. It's, like, what is he...

340. What's the time? Diaper Time!

341. What's the time? Diaper Time!

342. - Whoa! - What?

343. That is weird.

344. They're really stepping up the insanity.

345. Where do they find theM? - Look at these people.

346. Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them?

347. Those people are pieces of shit.

348. But I want to watch it.

349. - So much and so often - I want to watch it.

350. I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together.

351. - This is television at its best. - Definitely.

352. - People love well stories. - Really?

353. I feel like well stories are played out.

354. - Who gets stuck in a well? - Kittens do.

355. Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there?

356. What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee?

357. All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay?

358. - This is dangerous enough. - Deandra, use your head.

359. - How would we set a well on fire? - It's filled with water.

360. - Get in the well! - I'm going!

361. Save the kittens! Save the day!

362. - Give me the matches. - Yep.

363. I found the kittens!

364. Oh, come on! (screams)

365. Okay, it's all good through here.

366. - Hey! There you go. - She throws the kittens every time.

367. Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.

368. Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit?

369. - It's 5:00 in the afternoon. - What the hell?

370. - I was at the club all night. - You turning into a club kid now?

371. Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man.

372. Everybody was there. It was so awesome.

373. We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero

374. by, like, getting her to rescue kittens

375. n compromising situations.

376. But she messes up every time!

377. Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right?

378. Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.

379. - Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! - Hey! This is good!

380. - No. - Let's chop cats!

381. We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before that.

382. We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.

383. I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody

384. saving a bunch of kittens.

385. But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story.

386. So what are you suggesting?

387. I'm building up quite a reputation, especially in the club scene.

388. With my connections,

389. I could finally get Dee into some of those clubs.

390. Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.

391. And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.

392. You think she's gonna go for that?

393. She's pissed at you for ditching her there.

394. I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.

395. Nobody's that pathetic.

396. I can't believe how famous I'm about to be!

397. Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat.

398. Bulimia's really big with this crowd.

399. I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.

400. I don't think I have any food left inside of me.

401. Try harder. Because it's really important, all right?

402. - Yeah. Okay. - If only just for show.

403. - Dennis! Hey! - Hey!

404. These are the girls. Don't screw this up.

405. These girls can make or break you in this town.

406. Hey. You look gorgeous.

407. Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister.

408. Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird?

409. Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny!

410. - Oh! Okay! - That's a compliment.

411. - She throws up all the time. - Oh, my God. I just got done.

412. I'm sorry if my breath stinks.

413. Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.

414. I'm kinda working on something.

415. - Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. - Yeah!

416. Well, all right. Yeah, maybe just one.

417. Do you have one for my sister too?

418. - Sure. - What is it?

419. You'll see.

420. Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good!

421. The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that

422. other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.

423. We're gonna pull the cat out before it gets to the chopper.

424. But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop it.

425. Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise.

426. - Come on. - Whoa!

427. Where have you been? You look like shit.

428. - I don't want to talk about that. - Did you become celebrities yet?

429. We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. We're done with that.

430. No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism.

431. - It's for the news show. - There is no news show, Charlie!

432. Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access!

433. Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access.

434. What? (techno music on TV)

435. - Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! No, no, no, no!

436. - Turn that off! - Hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.

437. - Charlie. No, Charlie. - Turn it off, man. Turn it off!

438. What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time!

439. Congratulations, guys. You're famous.