It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x6

1. That's a good shirt, Charlie. I like it. You should buy that.

2. You like it? Okay, stand a little to your left, please.

3. - Why? - Just a little bit to your left?

4. - Why, Charlie? - So I can steal it.

5. No, you're not gonna steal it. Just buy the shirt.

6. It's fine. It doesn't even have the exploding ink thing on it.

7. - We're good. - Oh, great news.

8. I'm not getting arrested with you. So buy it.

9. (Scoffs) What is the point?

10. The point is that you have, like, four articles of clothing.

11. And that's it for years and years and years now.

12. - So buy something new. - All right,

13. first of all, this place is a rip-off, okay?

14. Secondly, someone should teach these people how to do a decent hem,

15. don't you think? - Are you unsatisfied with that hem?

16. - Very unsatisfied with the hem. - What do you know about hems?

17. I've been sewing my clothes back together for almost my entire life.

18. I know a thing or two about a hem, Dee, all right?

19. - Well, that's just sad. - Well, it's not sad.

20. It's a very valuable skill set. So, you know...

21. - Just try the shirt on and buy it. - All right.

22. Shut up!

23. - Shut up! Dee Reynolds? - Yeah.

24. Ingrid! Nelson. From high school.

25. - Ingrid Nelson? (laughs) - Yeah.

26. You look so different. What happened to all of the fat parts?

27. I lost 'em! I lost a ton of weight!

28. And look at you. You look so beautiful.

29. You don't have that hideously, ugly,

30. disgusting back brace anymore. - Yeah. Yeah.

31. Oh, God! We were such losers in high school!

32. Do you remember what people used to call us?

33. Uh, I don't remember.

34. The Aluminum Monster and Fatty Magoo!

35. - Yeah, that was it. - Remember?

36. - Yeah. Yes. - You were the Aluminum Monster!

37. - I was Fatty Magoo! - Yes. Yes.

38. Hey, do you remember how you used to say that you were gonna be famous

39. and have your own clothing line? - Did I say that?

40. Oh, my God. Every day.

41. Every day, it was "famous actress this" and "famous model that".

42. And all the kids did was laugh at you.

43. That is a good memory.

44. Well, no. I mean, it inspired me. I thought to myself,

45. "If the Aluminum Monster can do it, then so can I."

46. - Oh! - Dee, you're in my store!

47. - This is your store? - Yes!

48. Wow! (laughs)

49. - All this, yours? Gosh! - Yeah.

50. Hey, so, did you ever do... Are you a model now?

51. - Are you... Did you... - Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

52. - Yeah? - Not-Not-Not... Yeah.

53. Not right now... because I'm shopping.

54. - Did you go to law school? - Oh, my God, I did!

55. - You did? - Yeah, for a little while.

56. - I loved it. - God, you must be so busy.

57. I'm so busy. So busy that I have to go.

58. But it was really excellent to see you.

59. - It was so good to see you too. - Oh, and congratulations.

60. - I would love to hang out. - Hang out? We're gonna hang out!

61. We're gonna do that! We're gonna do all of that!

62. Okay. (laughs)

63. Charlie. You're not gonna believe this.

64. I just ran into the biggest loser from my high school.

65. - And she owns this store! - Really?

66. I used to say all this stuff about...

67. how I was gonna be big and famous to keep her down.

68. - Oh, yeah. - But it did the opposite.

69. It inspired her or something, which is terrible.

70. I'll tell you what. Calm down. Here's what you do, all right?

71. Pop on a couple things, slip 'em on, we'll walk right out of here.

72. No. No, that's not good enough. I gotta beat her at her own game.

73. Charlie? I got a fatty to take down.

74. Dee, how's your design coming along?

75. I can't believe you stole that shirt.

76. Come on. I steal lots of things. You don't have to get all huffy.

77. - Let me take a look. - No. It's not ready for looking.

78. Let me take a look... See, I'll tell you if I like it or not.

79. - I'm not ready, Charlie. - What are you guys working on?

80. Dee's designing a dress to put her old nerd friend back in her place.

81. - Oh, which nerd friend? - Um, the fat one.

82. - Ingrid Nelson. - Ingrid... Oh, Fatty Magoo?

83. - That's right. - Oh, your old sidekick.

84. - What's she been up to? - She owns her own clothing store.

85. So Dee's making a dress. I'm gonna help her sew it.

86. Because according to Dee, I'm a loser too. Did you know this?

87. But, Sweet Dee, being a winner's not something that you can become.

88. It's something that you're kind of born with. Like me.

89. - Like us. - Like me.

90. - Let me take a look at this. - No, hold on.

91. - Let's just peek at it. - I feel like

92. you're gonna make fun of it. It's not done yet. (laughs)

93. Dee, when did... What is this? Is it a boat?

94. - No, it's... - It's a boat with a triangle.

95. - It's not a boat. No, there's a cup

96. and a straw. - It's a cocktail dress.

97. - That's a strap. - Is it a raincoat?

98. - It's not a raincoat! - No. That's a plug.

99. - It's a lightbulb. - Well, in my head, it's very...

100. It's elegant. I'm having a hard time putting it out onto paper...

101. Through your hands? Have your hands been smashed with hammers?

102. - What is wrong with you? - You're definitely not gonna be

103. putting anybody in their place with a drawing like this.

104. - Let me give it a shot. - Dennis, take a stab at it.

105. I'm gonna start with the breasts.

106. - Oh, naturally. - Come on!

107. Oh, those are beautiful. - Bountiful.

108. - I would say so. Oh, yeah! - Gorgeous, right? You see? Okay?

109. - That is some good... - Then we move on to the waist.

110. (whistles) - Yes. - Delicate, precise.

111. You can draw. I'm getting kind of, like, a little flustered here.

112. Yeah, that's understandable. She's a nice looking lady.

113. I'll tell you what, dude. How about I take this sketch, right?

114. And then I talk to Frank about, you know, a really good sewing machine.

115. - And then I whip up a prototype... - Oh, of my designs?

116. What? You dick! Charlie, come on!

117. - I thought we were a team! - Relax. I'm still gonna help you

118. make your raincoat with the straw. - It's not a raincoat!

119. What is this? This woman doesn't even have a rib cage.

120. Doesn't matter, Dee. Because winners always win.

121. You're not a winner because you used to be popular in high school.

122. But I think you peaked.

123. Peaked? Peaked, Dee?

124. Mmm. (chuckles)

125. Let me tell you something. I haven't even begun to peak.

126. And when I do peak, you'll know.

127. Because I'm gonna peak so hard

128. that everybody in Philadelphia's gonna feel it.

129. I'm in my prime. And I bet you that I could sell these dresses

130. to Fatty Magoo just based on these sketches alone.

131. And your loser friend is gonna buy 'em because she's a fatty.

132. And that's just the way of the world.

133. All I have to do is turn on my winning charm...

134. and Fatty Magoo will be putty in my hands.

135. - 'Cause us winners always win. - He wasn't talking about you.

136. I... think he was.

137. - It's too streaky. - Where?

138. - Everywhere. Fix it. - Well, I'm trying, Frank!

139. I've never spray-painted a chair before. Why do you cover your mouth?

140. Because that lead paint is extremely toxic.

141. What? Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

142. Hey, all I'm hearing is excuses. And I still have a blotchy chair.

143. Wait a second! What am I saying? What am I doing here?

144. You're making my chair look like it was dipped in gold.

145. - Now get back to work. - Nobody is stupid enough

146. to think that your chair was dipped in gold, Frank.

147. - Why am I helping you? - Because I'm manipulating you.

148. That's the way I get people to do things for me.

149. - Really? - Yeah.

150. Shit, that's awesome. How did you do that?

151. If you make my chair look really nice, I will tell you.

152. Deal! (laughs)

153. - I got you. - Oh, great. Oh, good, good.

154. Excellent. Listen, man. I need to use your business connections

155. to see if I can get a really cheap sewing machine.

156. Why?

157. Dennis and I are gonna make a dress, see if we can sell it.

158. You're gonna go in the garment business?

159. No, dude. I'm not going into the garment business, okay?

160. I'm just gonna make one single dress with Dennis.

161. - Who's gonna run the operation? - It's not an operation, dude.

162. Look, I just want your help getting a sewing machine.

163. Whoa. Wait. Has that chair been dipped in gold?

164. So we would cinch it up nice and tight through the waist,

165. giving a nice, subtle lift to the top of the dress,

166. and keeping those fat tummies in check. Gorgeous.

167. - Okay, Dennis, I'm confused. - Why's that?

168. These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.

169. Yeah.

170. And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.

171. - Yes. - Well, why?

172. Listen, let me level with you. You're an attractive enough girl.

173. I mean, certainly you've got some potential.

174. There's no reason for you to be so nervous around me.

175. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses,

176. and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you.

177. And if you look good enough in it, hell,

178. I might even consider having sex with you. (laughs)

179. - How does that sound? - Terrible.

180. (laughs) All right. Let's just calm down.

181. You're having a reaction. That's understandable.

182. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over?

183. How many of my dresses would you like to order?

184. None. Not one.

185. Ok, look. I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer

186. because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner.

187. And winners, we don't listen to words like "no",

188. or "don't", or "stop".

189. Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need.

190. You need to see my dress on a model.

191. I'll tell you what.

192. I'm gonna come back tomorrow with a model.

193. - Please don't do that. - Save your breath, Ingrid.

194. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

195. Look, I am so confused.

196. Why does she have light bulbs growing out of her neck?

197. Light bulbs? What? Those are shoulder pads.

198. - What? - Yeah.

199. You know what? I'll walk you through it.

200. No. I don't even want...

201. Why don't you just help me make Dennis's designs?

202. Because Dennis's designs are terrible.

203. - I enjoy them. - I know you do. I walked in

204. and saw you enjoying them very much this morning in the bar.

205. This again. I told you I was scratching myself, Dee!

206. You were scratching hard and very vigorously. So...

207. - 'Cause that's the only way I... - It must've really itched.

208. All right. All right, fine. What is this thing?

209. - That is Dennis's prototype. - No, I know it's the prototype.

210. But I don't get how it works. (groans)

211. You're asking a million questions! All right, look.

212. I'm just gonna have to walk you through it, all right?

213. - So pay attention. - Yes. Thank you.

214. The pretty lady gets naked, of course.

215. And I help her into the prototype.

216. My hands guiding along her body, making sure that it fits properly.

217. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know?

218. And she feels very excited. She feels very sensual.

219. And I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good.

220. And then, you know, we chitchat a little bit. No big deal.

221. But she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from?

222. I accept, you know? And then, you know, we chitchat at her place.

223. It's no big deal. But eventually she says, you know,

224. "Do you want to make love, Charlie?" - Oh, God.

225. And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do".

226. And then just, boom, we're into it. And it's hot and it's passionate.

227. - Charlie? - Then it's just me and you, babe.

228. all night long. - My God. Charlie?

229. And I satisfy her so many times, she starts screaming my name.

230. - Charlie! - "Charlie," she says.

231. - "Charlie," she says. - Charlie!

232. - Jesus! - Dee! (groans)

233. What are you... I thought you had walked back over...

234. No, I've been standing here the whole time!

235. - I was in the middle... - Are you gonna help me with this

236. or not? - I'm trying to...

237. - What are you doing? You look... - Oh, Jesus. I'm gonna do it myself.

238. I gotta say, Frank, I'm really happy about this partition.

239. I can't tell you how many memories this brings back.

240. This is exactly the way I ran my sweatshops.

241. - Is it? - You have to separate them from us.

242. - Right. Right. - They need to be trained.

243. - Okay, yeah. I got an idea. - Trained.

244. - I got an idea, okay? - I want to play music in there.

245. 'Cause I think it'll keep them happy and motivated.

246. - And they'll work harder. - No, no, no.

247. Mac, you gotta break 'em. You gotta break 'em like dogs!

248. - Break 'em! Break 'em like dogs! - Yeah!

249. You want to learn about manipulation?

250. - Yes, yes. - This is it. All right, here.

251. Your first rule of manipulation...

252. s you gotta show them who is boss!

253. You gotta rant and rave and yell at people!

254. (mouths words) Then they find their place. That's it.

255. Everyone gather around. I have an announcement to make!

256. Dennis has an announcement! Go. Now's your chance.

257. - Now's my chance. - Rant and rave.

258. Gather around. Everybody, gather around, please!

259. - We're all standing here. - Is this everybody?

260. - Is this everybody? - You know that. What are you doing?

261. - Dennis has an announcement! - Yeah, I heard that.

262. - I'm wondering what it is. - It's an announcement!

263. - What's up, Dennis? - I have an announcement.

264. - Oh, my God! What is it? - Quiet on the floor, please!

265. Dennis, your announcement? Thank you.

266. I think everyone will be pleased to learn

267. that we have just received our first order.

268. - That's amazing! - Ho-o-o!

269. I can't believe they placed an order before they saw the prototype.

270. Believe it, 'cause that's what just happened.

271. What the hell did Fatty Magoo like about your sketches?

272. - Shut up! How many did they order? - Twenty-five.

273. - Twenty-five? - 25 dresses, that's right. Charlie,

274. do you have my prototype? - Yeah, yeah.

275. Hey, do you have any more of those sketches?

276. Maybe like one where the lady's, like, looking right at you?

277. Stop talking to me. All right, everyone.

278. I want those dresses. Now I don't care how you do it.

279. Just make it work.

280. You heard the man. Make it work!

281. You heard our designer! Ladies and gentlemen, back to your stations!

282. - Let's make it work! - No!

283. No, I'm not going to make it work! I'm designing my own clothes!

284. I'm supposed to be the one who's beating Fatty Magoo!

285. - Mac, take care of this. - Okay.

286. Dee, can I talk to you for a second? I know what you're trying to do.

287. You want to show this girl what's what. I get that.

288. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team...

289. Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all,

290. your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.

291. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me.

292. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder,

293. because I've got a fatty to burn.

294. She's gonna be here any minute. Can we get this thing tighter?

295. Or can we lift these up a little bit? Oh, my God!

296. - You sure this is the right size? - The dress is the right size.

297. I wish we could say the same thing about your body? My God.

298. You eat he entire kitchen cupboard today?

299. - What's wrong with my body? - So many things.

300. I mean, your breasts, they're tiny. Your gut is huge.

301. - I wear a "D" cup! - You're just lying about that.

302. All right now, take this gut and suck it in.

303. - What gut? - Suck the gut in before I scream.

304. How did you get into my office?

305. Ah. Well, how does anyone get in anywhere, Ingrid?

306. - Hard work and persistence. - Did you kick in my door?

307. I intend to kick down a lot of doors today, Ingrid.

308. Now, you're gonna have to use your imagination a little bit,

309. my model is a little on the... (fart sound) side.

310. But tell me what you see.

311. Well, I see a man committing a felony...

312. by breaking into my office and destroying my property.

313. I also see a very confused and uncomfortable model...

314. who seems to be stuffed into an ill-fitting garbage bag.

315. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I see what you're saying, yes.

316. You're saying that you love the dress but you hate this model.

317. She hates the dress, you freak!

318. Silence your mouth! She cannot properly see the dress

319. because your disgusting body is ruining it!

320. I can't believe I let you see me naked.

321. - Well, that was part of the... - All right. I'm calling the police.

322. No. No, no, Ingrid. There's no need to call the police, okay?

323. Because the only crime that's being committed today

324. s the crime of ugliness.

325. And sadly, you can't press charges for that.

326. You know what? I'm just gonna have to come back next time

327. with a model with a perfect body.

328. You've been a disappointment. Shame on you.

329. No, no, no. Shit.

330. Look at this. Beyond our wildest dreams.

331. Everything working out, huh, Mac?

332. - This is brilliant, Frank. - It's going smooth.

333. How you doing with Charlie? Did you break him like a dog yet?

334. Almost. I've changed his diet to only dry food.

335. And he's no longer allowed on any of the furniture.

336. Good. What about Deandra?

337. Hmm, not so good. She's still causing problems.

338. Hmm. You're gonna have to take care of this right away.

339. (machine grinding) Oh, goddamn.

340. - Dee! - Come on! Just go straight!

341. - Dee, come on! - I feel like it's broken.

342. It's not broken! You're just messing with it.

343. - I'm not messing with it. - You're punching in and you're...

344. Don't stomp on the pedal like that!

345. How do these people... Who are these women?

346. They're Eastern European women! I have no idea

347. where Frank got them. They're very good sewers.

348. - You should ask them how to sew. - They smell like sausage.

349. They do smell like sausage. It's terrible.

350. Charlie, shh! Dee, I need a word.

351. - Get outta here. - What are you working on?

352. It's my dress. You know that.

353. Ooh, ooh. Did we not have a conversation about this, Deandra?

354. The dress does not fit the prototype.

355. - I don't give a shit. - Come on, Dee.

356. - Don't rock the boat here. - Charlie, I can handle this.

357. I'm on your side here, man. I'm just trying to say she...

358. - Charlie, sit. - Don't tell me to sit, dude.

359. You want a treat? I think I got some jerky here...

360. (gasps) I do have some jerky in my pocket. Do you want some?

361. - Yeah. Yeah? - Yeah? You sure? You want some?

362. - Yeah. - Wait for it. Sit.

363. - Yeah. - Shake. Speak.

364. - I'd like some jerky, please. - Good boy!

365. (laughs) He caught it. He catches it every time.

366. - You want a piece of jerky? - No.

367. You're supposed to be a goddamn modeling agency

368. and this is the best you've got? I mean, I ask you to send me models

369. who are attractive. You send pictures of girls that have bodies

370. like Oompa-Loompas and hippopotamuses!

371. I can't talk to you people. I can't... (grunting)

372. How hard is it to find an attractive model in the city of Philadelphia?

373. Hey-oh! Guess what, buddy. We did it! We filled the order!

374. - What order? - The dresses, dude. 25.

375. Pretty efficient, huh?

376. Yeah. Just, uh, put 'em by the door or something.

377. Okay. Hey, you want me to help you bring 'em to the store?

378. No! No, I don't want you to ever go to the store ever!

379. - Why not? Something wrong? - No. Everything is... great.

380. Everything is... perfect.

381. Then why don't you want me to go to the store?

382. - 'Cause you're busy. - I'm not busy.

383. I actually have a pretty clear docket for the next couple of...

384. No, you're so busy. Because we just got another order.

385. We did? For how many?

386. Uh, a hundred.

387. A hundred? We got an order for a hundred dresses?

388. - Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic! - Mmm!

389. We gotta kick it up a notch.

390. Dee, come here! Where the hell have you been?

391. It's only 9:00 in the morning.

392. Oh, my God. I've been here since 5:00.

393. - What? - Things have changed around here.

394. They're running this place like a concentration camp.

395. We shouldn't even be talking right now!

396. I think you better sit down and get to work. It's bad.

397. The situation is bad! Oh, my God!

398. They're watching us, Dee. They're always watching us.

399. What do you think they're saying out there, Frank?

400. I don't know, but I don't like it.

401. The German war propaganda was a nice idea.

402. Wait till you hear the steam whistle.

403. (German man screaming continues) Charlie, where's my dress?

404. (chuckles) Charlie, I left it right here! Where is it?

405. - Please don't do this. - Did you do something with it?

406. - What did you do? Where is it? - Just go back to work.

407. Tell me where it is, you son of a bitch!

408. - I'm not supposed to say! - You want to lose your hand?

409. - I'm not supposed to say! - Tell me where it is! Tell me!

410. Is that a steam whistle?

411. What the hell's going on over there?

412. - Everything's fine. - What happened to my dress?

413. Was destroyed and the materials were distributed amongst the workers.

414. What? You guys! How could you do that to me?

415. I worked forever on that dress!

416. The dress did not fit the prototype!

417. - It didn't fit the prototype! - Screw the prototype!

418. What are you talking about? Now I have to start all over!

419. I'm afraid not, Deandra. We're gonna have to let her go.

420. You heard the man, Dee! Get off the floor!

421. - Oh, my God. You know what? - Off the floor now, Dee!

422. - Ladies! We're outta here! No.

423. We don't need this! Let's go! We got a whole box of knockwurst up there.

424. - A big pot of it! - Deandra, what are you doing?

425. - I'm staging a strike. Let's go! - I'm pulling it again!

426. - No, no... Back to work! - I'm pulling it again!

427. Back to work!

428. (pop music) You can do it, Dennis, because you're a winner.

429. You haven't peaked. You haven't even begun to peak.

430. But you're gonna peak today. You're gonna peak all over everybody.

431. Make it work, Dennis.

432. #Together forever And never to par

433. - There she is! - Dee, what are you doing?

434. I'm having you arrested for slave labor.

435. Slave labor? What the hell are you talking about?

436. You bought some dresses from my brother, Dennis,

437. that were made in a sweatshop in the basement of our bar.

438. Do not listen to a word this woman says!

439. - She is stark-raving mad! - She's a goddamn lunatic, okay?

440. Those dresses were made by voluntary laborers who work for us

441. on their own free will to feed their starving families

442. n their home countries! - In a sweatshop!

443. - In a sweatshop! - Not a sweatshop.

444. - It is a sweatshop. - No, a working factory!

445. Which makes you the biggest loser, Fatty Magoo.

446. I didn't buy anything from your insane brother.

447. - Really? - What?

448. - Really. - So let me get this straight.

449. Dennis has been lying to us the whole time?

450. I don't know and I don't care.

451. Wait a second. Fatty Magoo. Are you Ingrid Nelson?

452. - Yes. - No shit!

453. I'm Mark Dunlap. I knew you in high school. Wow!

454. - You look terrific. - Thanks.

455. And that would make you the Aluminum Monster.

456. - Oh, man! You were all jacked up. - I don't remember.

457. Remember that? With the back brace.

458. And all that metal. (squeaking) And you were like...

459. - You were like an Aluminum Monster. - Thank you.

460. - That was the best name for it. - The only name for it.

461. - You were so cute. - Oh, thanks.

462. It was a lot of metal, man. Hey, hey, I used to know your brother.

463. Now, he was a pretty cool guy. Whatever happened to him?

464. Behold a winner in all his...

465. Oh, shit. (sighs)

466. What are you guys doing here?

467. #Together forever And never to part