1. You're definitely gonna get
this one. You ready?
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2. Uh, yeah. I guess.
- Okay.
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3. He knew that if the gooks were to
get their hands on the watch,
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4. they would take it.
So he shoved it... up his ass!
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5. - I have no idea what you're doing.
- Why, it's Christopher Walken!
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6. It sounded like Rosie Perez
or something.
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7. Come on! That was a perfect Walken,
it's gonna win me the talent show.
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8. - What talent show?
- The one I throw for the pub crawl.
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9. - Are you doing that again?
- Mm-hmm.
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10. Yeah, well, it's not really
a talent show anyway.
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11. She just gets
the most untalented people in Philly
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12. to enter the competition...
so she can win it,
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13. and then she never wins it anyway.
- No. Last year she got smoked
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14. by this chick who ate, like,
50 hot dogs in three seconds.
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15. - That was amazing!
- That was not talent.
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16. Guys! I got some news! Some terrible
news! We got a huge problem.
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17. Can we stop for a second
and talk about this?
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18. - What?
- What's with that jacket?
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19. - I was gonna wait on that.
- We should go over the jacket now.
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20. - No, let's hear about it now.
- First of all, it's not a jacket.
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21. It's a duster.
It's like a jacket,
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22. only it's longer, thicker
and far more badass.
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23. I look like Lorenzo Lamas,
and women find it irresistible.
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24. - That part's just simply not true.
- Either way, I like it.
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25. I bought it with the money
I was gonna make at the pub crawl.
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26. Here's the problem.
You know that Korean barbecue joint
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27. down the street? Mr. Kim's? They
just signed up for the pub crawl.
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28. - Which means they're the last stop!
- They can't be the last stop.
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29. We're always the last stop! That's
the only time of year we make money!
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30. They're also experimenting
with a secret microbrew.
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31. Word on the street is that
it's delicious and powerful!
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32. Bullshit!
We're the microbrew guys!
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33. - They can't take that!
- Wait. You guys have a microbrew?
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34. - Yes! We make a delicious...
- Really?
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35. - Amazing microbrew!
- Oh, it's amazing.
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36. They throw all the skunk beer
into a trash can.
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37. And then they sell it
for 10 dollars a glass.
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38. The point is we cannot let
these Koreans steal our thunder!
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39. They wanna make
a top secret microbrew...
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40. - We gotta make ours more powerful!
- Right! We'll make it so strong
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41. that people will pass out and vomit
and vomit in their own pass out.
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42. They'll never leave
and go to Kim's in the first place!
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43. I will make this year's talent show
the best talent show ever.
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44. - Let the men talk!
- We're in the middle
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45. of an emergency here!
- Guys, we gotta move on this.
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46. - It's the damn North Koreans!
- Damn North Koreans.
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47. Wait. What makes you think
they're North Koreans?
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48. That's the bad Korea.
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49. They're the sneaky,
bad Korea, man.
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50. The ones on the top and they sneak
down and they eat everybody's pets.
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51. I can't stand it! It's un-American!
All right, goddamn it. That's it.
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52. They're gonna take our way of life
from us. It's bullshit.
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53. Okay, gang. Let's solve this North
Korea situation once and for all.
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54. - All right, that's enough.
- No, no, no.
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55. - That's enough moonshine!
- No!
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56. Look, we don't want people
to go blind!
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57. - You can never have enough.
- Goddamn it.
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58. Trust me on this.
I know what I'm talking about.
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59. How's it taste?
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60. We gotta lace it
with somethin' sweeter.
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61. We gotta add a little sweetening.
Oh, Deandra.
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62. Could you be a darling and run down
and get Daddy some antifreeze?
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63. We don't want to kill people.
You're not getting this.
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64. I can't help you guys.
I have a very busy day.
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65. I'm auditioning people all day long.
And also, you're not my dad.
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66. Winning a talent show
that you throw for yourself...
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67. s just about the saddest thing
you've ever done, Dee.
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68. Listen. If this is all about
boosting your self-confidence,
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69. why don't you go out and bang
a bunch of random dudes
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70. like you did
in the good old days?
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71. This talent show's
very important to me. All right?
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72. And I'm not gonna let you guys
steamroll me like you always do.
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73. Why don't you get Charlie
and Dennis to help you?
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74. Dennis and Charlie are out
collecting intelligence.
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75. Oh! You're playing spies now?
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76. Intel is the name of the game, Dee.
It's all about the intelligence!
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77. - You picked the wrong two people.
- Maybe so.
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78. But we do have
a secret weapon.
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79. That would've been a lot better
if I was wearing the duster, dude.
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80. It doesn't fit you.
It's too big for you.
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81. That's why it's so awesome
on me. It's like,
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82. - "Why's the guy in a giant jacket?"
- Why do you take this away from me?
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83. "What is he hiding, dude?"
I just wish you'd let me do it.
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84. - Can we just snoop around a little?
- We can snoop around.
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85. - But I should wear the duster.
- No, I'm wearing the duster.
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86. - That's the end of it.
- Fine.
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87. We should drink a couple
of these microbrews.
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88. That's what people
on the pub crawl are gonna do.
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89. Two microbrews, please.
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90. All right. What is this?
"Pub Crawl Karaoke Contest"?
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91. Bro, "Prize, 500 dollars"?
That's not good.
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92. - Aw, shit.
- Look at that bracket.
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93. Do you think that's...
That's what that's for?
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94. - That's for the karaoke contest.
- Oh, my God, dude.
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95. - There's a lot of names on there.
- That's huge.
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96. Bracketing is a very intricate
and difficult thing to do, man.
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97. - They got it down.
- I gotta get this intel to Mac.
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98. Well, hold on that
because we want to try the...
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99. - What? The microbeers?
- Yes.
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100. - Here we go.
- Thank you. Thank you.
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101. - Oh, shit.
- Goddamn it.
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102. - That's good. That's...
- That is really good. That is...
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103. - Mmm!
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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104. - Son of a bitch, that's good.
- They're putting somethin' in that.
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105. 'Cause you can't just
make beer like that.
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106. - What do you mean?
- Like they're enriching it?
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107. - Are they enriching the...
- You cannot...
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108. - They're enriching the beers.
- They're enriching their beer.
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109. - That's definitely enriched beer.
- That's an enriched beer, dude.
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110. I've only tried enriched beer
like once.
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111. They're not allowed to have the
capabilities to enrich beer here.
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112. What is going on in this place?
Look at all these people, man.
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113. - They're like, being brainwashed.
- Oh, there's like brainwash...
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114. Notice how they're all happy
and smiling...
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115. 'cause they're drinking enrich...
- How old was the bartender? 16? 60?
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116. You have no idea.
They're timeless.
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117. - They're endless and timeless.
- We are in big trouble here, man.
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118. Oh, shit! Look at that door, dude.
See that door right there?
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119. The one marked "pirate"? You think
a pirate lives in there?
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120. I see a door marked "private".
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121. Is that the door
you were talkin' about?
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122. - No, I was talking a...
- Yeah.
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123. - I didn't say... What did you hear?
- No...
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124. I heard you say you saw
a door marked "pirate".
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125. And "Is there a pirate
living in there?"
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126. Why would there be a pirate
living in a Korean restaurant?
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127. Are we gonna talk about
pirates all day?
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128. Or we gonna find out
who lives in there?
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129. All right.
Jesus Christ, man.
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130. - Here we go.
- What's wrong? Come on, open it.
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131. - It's locked.
- All right, I'm gonna try this out.
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132. - What is that? Your apartment key?
- Yes.
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133. - I'll see if it works here.
- That's not gonna work!
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134. - Why not?
- We're not at your apartment!
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135. How many possible lock
combinations can there be?
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136. - So many! Hundreds of millions.
- Eventually they'll overlap.
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137. - They're not ever gonna over...
- You're right. It's not working.
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138. - Oh, no shit.
- No shit. It was worth a try.
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139. It was not worth a try.
Move over. I'm gonna, like,
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140. kick the door or some shit.
- You're gonna kick it?
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141. - Really?
- Damn, dude.
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142. - This thing is like...
- What?
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143. enriched in its own way.
- Let me try something else.
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144. - Try a spin kick. Try a spin kick.
- Spin kick?
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145. - Yeah. You think you can do it?
- I'm not even sure... Okay.
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146. Sons of... All right,
I'm gonna kick. You ram.
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147. Go!
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148. Nice. Good.
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149. - How is that not working?
- No, I don't know.
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150. - Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
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151. We're gonna do that some more. But
let's get some more enriched beer.
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152. I'm gonna call Mac
and give him the intel.
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153. Holy shit!
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154. See what else you can find out
and call me back. Good work.
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155. - Forget the microbrew.
- What's the intel?
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156. They're having
a karaoke contest.
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157. I'm elevating us
to threat level yellow. It's time.
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158. - Yellow?
- Yeah. It's time.
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159. - What were we before?
- Orange, of course.
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160. Orange is much more
threatening than yellow!
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161. No, that's an old system.
It doesn't work anymore.
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162. Clearly yellow...
You go from yellow to orange to red!
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163. - Frank, this is orange! You see?
- Yellow, orange, red!
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164. - This is yellow! See this?
- Red, red!
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165. - Is this more threatening?
- Yellow, orange, red!
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166. - It's backwards going to yellow.
- Wow.
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167. - Elevate...
- Color fight. Listen.
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168. I need you monkeys outta here
'cause my contestants are waiting.
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169. That's a no can do
and I'll tell you why.
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170. The Koreans escalated the conflict.
I've upgraded us to yellow.
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171. - I don't know what that means.
- We're taking over the talent show.
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172. - What? No, you're not!
- It's already done.
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173. Go on. I knew it. I told you.
You're trying to steamroll me.
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174. It's not gonna work.
I'm gonna win this competition.
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175. There's nothing you guys
can do about it.
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176. You're not even gonna be in it, Dee.
You have to face facts.
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177. - You have no talent.
- You're talentless, sweetie.
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178. Oh, really?
Oh, is that so?
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179. Why don't you take a gander at this?
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180. "No, Mookie. I don't wanna do it.
It's too hot outside."
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181. Right?
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182. - What was that?
- What the hell is that?
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183. - Rosie Perez!
- What?
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184. - That's terrible.
- Oh, come on! You love that one!
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185. You know what, Dee? You're a judge.
That's it. Dee's gonna be a judge.
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186. And you know why? Because
sitting in judgment of other people
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187. s the greatest way to make yourself
feel better. Problem solved.
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188. And go.
All right, again.
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189. And go. You might have to give me
the duster back.
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190. - It's not working, man.
- Aw, it'll work. Go!
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191. All right, it's not working, dude.
I gotta use your head or something.
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192. Yes, yes. Hold me sideways and
use my head like a battering ram.
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193. Now pick me up
off the ground, okay?
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194. Why are you people
ruining my door?
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195. - Yes! All right. Yeah.
- Good! Hello!
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196. - Are you the owner?
- I owner. I Mr. Kim.
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197. - All right.
- Okay, good. Well, Mr...
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198. - Wait. You say Mr. Kim?
- Yes! I Mr. Kim!
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199. Wow. You should really do something
different with your hair because...
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200. You're not coming across
at all like a man to me.
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201. - You don't look or seem like a man.
- Look...
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202. If you don't tell us what's in that
microbrew, so help me, God,
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203. we will send you people
back to the Stone Age.
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204. I no respond to bully!
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205. What are you gonna do about it?
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206. You're messin' with
the wrong country, pal!
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207. That's an act of aggression
right there, buddy!
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208. - Every Asian know martial arts?
- They learn it when they grow up.
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209. It's like school.
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210. Yes!
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211. Okay, okay. Okay!
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212. Oh, God. Jesus!
- That guy is such a dickhead!
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213. You don't have to take that
from him. I hope you know that.
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214. If I don't do what he say,
he punish me!
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215. He terrible man, okay?
Always, "Work, work, work!"
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216. - He treat me like slave!
- Slave?
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217. - He's got slaves?
- He's has slaves in there?
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218. What kind of a communist
dictatorship
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219. s this piece of shit running?
- Hey, I no phone, no TV!
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220. I not even allowed
to drink the beer!
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221. What? No!
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222. - No! That is not acceptable!
- You're mad about the beer thing?
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223. I'm very. Are you not mad
about the beer thing?
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224. - Of course I am.
- You should be able to drink.
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225. That's what happens in America.
In America, you drink beer. Look.
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226. I'll tell you what. You come down
to Paddy's Pub, all right?
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227. We'll let you drink
all the beer you want.
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228. You can smoke your cigarettes. You
won't have to deal with the trash
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229. 'cause I deal with the trash.
- He takes out the trash.
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230. - Me trash.
- He captures the rats.
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231. - You beer, me trash, okay?
- I beer, you trash!
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232. I trash, yes!
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233. Okay!
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234. Holy shit, bro.
Did you just see that?
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235. Yeah. She made
a meaningful gesture towards me.
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236. She made... No, dude.
She was gesturing to me.
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237. I had my arm out like this.
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238. - Yeah, why were you doing that?
- 'Cause she extended to me.
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239. And then there was stuff
in the eyes between us.
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240. - And my arm was at her.
- All right.
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241. - Sure, pal.
- Wha...
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242. All right! That's enough.
That's enough. Thank you.
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243. Well, Martha,
you are terrible.
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244. I wanted to pluck out my eyes
and jam them into my ears.
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245. I wanted to pummel you
with a manhole cover.
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246. - There is no point to you.
- Oh, no...
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247. Sweetie, I thought
you were really talented.
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248. And I liked it,
what you had on your fingers.
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249. And your hair is so...
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250. It's like it has a bulb
on the front of it.
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251. It just wasn't happening
for me, dog. I mean...
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252. - What?
- No, dog. I was not...
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253. It was the finger cymbals
need work.
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254. - Oh!
- And the jewelry and everything...
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255. It was...
It was just okay, dog.
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256. - Is it a yes or no, Frank? Dee?
- It's gotta be no, dog.
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257. Oh, I just think you're
so full of magic.
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258. - You're like a big, round wizard.
- Right. Well, it's a no from me.
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259. So... off you go, Martha.
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260. - Why did you get so drunk?
- You got drunk!
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261. I'm just really exhausted.
What's in that cup?
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262. - Rum and Cokes.
- Why are you getting wasted?
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263. Maybe because you dicks
stole my talent show.
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264. - Do you have any idea how import...
- "You have any idea..."
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265. We're trying to save the pub crawl.
This is what you're doing?
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266. You know what'll happen
if the North Koreans take over?
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267. - They'll ruin our way of life!
- Get your shit together, dog!
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268. Next!
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269. Oh, my God!
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270. Oh, my God! You scared me.
What are you doing?
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271. - I run away.
- Okay.
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272. Good. Uh...
What are you doing here?
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273. I follow you home
because I like you.
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274. Nice. Good. I...
'Cause I knew...
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275. I knew that...
Right on! Okay.
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276. - Wait. All the way home?
- Yes.
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277. So you saw me eat that
Hot Pocket I found in the garbage?
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278. - Yes.
- Any thoughts on that?
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279. - No.
- Oh, man. I like you.
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280. - Come on in.
- I like you.
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281. Yeah.
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282. Hello there, Dennis.
It's Charlie.
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283. Hey, you're never gonna guess
who showed up at my...
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284. That's a very good guess.
Congratulations.
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285. But the point is that I've defeated
you at this little game of hearts
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286. and minds so that...
No, don't come over.
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287. No, dude. I don't want you
to come over, dude. Don't c...
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288. Dennis, don't come over.
Then why... No, I'm not scared.
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289. I just don't want you comin'...
Goddamn it! No! Why did I call him?
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290. Good evening.
I need to speak to Mr. Kim, please.
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291. - I Mr. Kim.
- Hmm.
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292. All right.
Uh, Mr. Kim, my name is...
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293. R-Rita F-Fire... s.
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294. Hmm, Fires. And I am from
the National Health Inspectors...
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295. Uh, Store.
And I need to...
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296. I need to make sure that
your secret microbrew is up to code.
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297. - Health inspector?
- Oh, you bet your ass, Kim.
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298. Okay, all right!
I just... God!
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299. I just want
your stupid recipe!
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300. - You... terrible actress.
- Wait! Okay.
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301. Hmm, I'll sleep with you.
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302. Your breath smell like vomit.
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303. Okay, but...
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304. I know recipe.
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305. - You do?
- Well, what... What is it?
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306. Offer still stand?
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307. - All right. Where is she?
- Ah, dude,
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308. you might as well
turn right back around, man.
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309. - 'Cause she's in love with me.
- Uh, yeah, I doubt that.
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310. - Hi.
- We have so much in common,
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311. you're not gonna believe.
- Like what?
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312. - Uh, we both like pizza.
- Pizza!
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313. Well, I like pizza.
Everybody loves pizza.
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314. Oh, good.
We both hate mean people.
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315. - Who likes mean people?
- We don't like mean people.
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316. - Well, neither do I.
- We both think kissing's gross.
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317. - How is kissing gross?
- We just don't like it.
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318. - We're not into it. Probably...
- Sticky.
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319. Is it sticky? It's, like, there's
candy and beer in your mouth.
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320. How is it sticky?
From candy and beer?
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321. - I don't know.
- This is bullshit.
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322. Clearly there's some kind of
language-barrier thing happening.
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323. So I'm gonna go ahead
and pop this shirt off
Copy !req
324. and finish this thing
once and for all, Charles.
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325. Charlie? He smell like dog fart.
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326. - She says you smell like dog fart.
- Oh, yeah?
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327. - Take it off. Take it off for us.
- Dog fart, huh?
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328. Am I in America?
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329. Ladies.
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330. - Nice turnout, huh?
- Yeah.
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331. But I'm getting
a little nervous here.
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332. I've heard some rumblings
about Mr. Kim's, okay?
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333. - We gotta keep these people here.
- Don't worry, Mac. I got a plan.
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334. Mac, I got problems, man.
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335. I can see that. Why are you wearing
the duster with no shirt?
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336. I'm trying to get my mojo back.
Charlie and I have been competing...
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337. over the same Korean chick,
and he's like totally winning.
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338. Why are you wearing
my duster with no shirt?
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339. This is the perfect combination.
Do I really have to explain this?
Copy !req
340. - Are you kidding me?
- Explain it to me.
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341. Black leather duster...
Tough, muscular dude underneath it,
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342. nside of it.
Very sexual.
Copy !req
343. - Check this out. Check this out.
What's with the hose?
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344. Hang on. I'm gonna spray it
on the women's tops.
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345. We get a better look at their
talents if their shirts are wet.
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346. - Wet T-shirt contest. I like that.
- Wait, Frank. Frank.
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347. How are we gonna have
a wet T-shirt contest without girls?
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348. - We never got any contestants.
- We use the girls that are here.
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349. They don't even know
they're contestants.
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350. You can't just blast people with
a hose in a bar. They will leave.
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351. - Lock the door.
- No, that's not gonna work.
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352. Frank, go get your gun.
Perfect. Go over to Mr. Kim.
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353. - Convince him to close for the day.
- I can do that.
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354. - Oh, excuse us!
- Excuse us, please.
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355. - Excuse us! Hey-oh!
- Hey-oh!
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356. I love when you say it!
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357. We are so happy.
And do you know why?
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358. - We just got engaged.
- Yes!
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359. - You guys just got engaged?
- Yes!
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360. - Yes.
- Now we're engaged.
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361. Do you want to
have some champagne?
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362. We'll have some champagne
to celebrate this.
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363. Come on.
Champagne!
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364. Did you guys happen to catch
what Sun-Li was wearing?
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365. - White tank top.
- A white tank top.
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366. Exactly. I thought we could talk
Charlie into having her enter
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367. the wet T-shirt contest.
- Yeah, yeah.
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368. We'll tell him it's all
a part of Dee's talent show.
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369. Right. When she jumps up
on the stage,
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370. we'll blast her with the water.
The crowd will go crazy.
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371. The other girls
are gonna want to join in.
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372. And we will save the bar. And then
she'll break up with Charlie,
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373. ruining any hopes for happiness
that that son of a bitch ever had.
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374. I agree with the first part. But the
second part seems incredibly harsh.
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375. - That's the best goddamn part!
- Look, you guys deal with that.
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376. I'm gonna go
take care of Mr. Kim.
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377. - Yeah, what do you want...
- Boom!
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378. - What the hell is this?
- Oh,
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379. only Mr. Kim's
secret microbrew recipe.
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380. It's in Korean.
What am I supposed to do with this?
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381. Maybe I can get Sun-Li
to translate it for us.
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382. Sun-Li? Hi. Could you read this
for us, please?
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383. Okay.
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384. "Bony American
is dirty, dirty whore.
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385. "She bring much shame
to herself and country."
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386. Great.
Good work, Dee.
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387. You really topped yourself
this year, Sis.
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388. Charlie, can we talk
to you for a sec?
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389. - You whore?
- Mm-hmm.
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390. Good.
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391. What you want?
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392. I'm gonna have to ask you
to shut this place down.
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393. I am shut down. Look around,
you jerk! No one here.
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394. Yeah, I was kinda wondering
about that. What's up?
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395. My daughter, Sun-Li,
she is missing!
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396. - Korean broad?
- You seen her?
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397. Uh, no.
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398. Oh, she no come home
last night!
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399. Well, I'm sure
she's gonna come back.
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400. She probably
just met some guy.
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401. What you talking about?
You sick freak!
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402. Sun-Li only 12 years old!
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403. - What?
- She just 12-year-old girl!
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404. Oh, shit!
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405. Attention, everybody.
Hey, attention.
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406. Our first contestant
hails from North Korea.
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407. That's right,
North Korea, everybody.
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408. She's gonna be doing
something or other.
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409. And then we're gonna blast her
with water from a hose.
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410. It's gonna be great, right? You're
gonna want to stick around for this.
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411. And listen, ladies,
if you wanna get in on this action,
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412. please do not hesitate to do so.
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413. Okay, take it away.
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414. - All set.
- Uh, wait a second.
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415. You're gonna blast my fiancée
with water,
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416. exposing her breasts
to this entire crowd?
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417. - Yeah, man. Is that cool?
- That's very cool.
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418. Awesome. All right,
Sun-Li, hit it!
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419. - She's bombing. Blast her.
- All righty.
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420. All right, everybody!
Three, two...
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421. One!
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422. - Oh, God! What are you doing?
- Come on, Frank! Son of a bitch!
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423. - The wet T-shirt contest is off!
- Why?
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424. - She's only 12 years old!
- What?
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425. - You're just 12?
- Twelve, Charlie!
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426. - Oh, shit.
- That actually explains a lot.
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427. Where are you guys going?
You guys don't have to leave!
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428. No, stay, drink!
We didn't know she was 12.
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429. Goddamn it!
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430. - Well, there goes the pub crawl.
- Oh, son of a bitch.
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431. - Well, I feel better about myself.
- Why?
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432. Uh, all I did was sleep with a
toothless, oily busboy for a recipe.
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433. - Charlie banged a 12 year old.
- No, I didn't.
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434. - What?
- I didn't even kiss that girl.
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435. - Like, nothing happened.
- Really?
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436. Yeah, absolutely. I can't believe
you banged a toothless busboy.
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437. - Those goddamn North Koreans.
- They are some sneaky bastards.
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438. - Yeah.
- Yep.
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