1. There's no way a mouse
could kill a scorpion.
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2. Dude, a mouse could kill...
A rat could kill a scorpion.
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3. No shit, Frank, but we're not
talking about a rat.
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4. - We're talking about a mouse.
- A rat still would lose.
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5. A little mouse fighting
a scorpion, and that is final!
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6. Shut up!
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7. Shut up! Oh, my God!
I don't care!
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8. All we're doing is arguing
about the most stupid shit!
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9. Rat, scorpion, I don't care, man!
When did this start happening?
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10. When we started arguing all the time
and fighting? This isn't like us!
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11. Look. We're working our asses
off in this bar, you know?
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12. We're getting nothing to show for it
and so we're starting to snip
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13. and pick at each other.
And it's bullshit, man.
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14. 'Cause guess what.
It's a beautiful day outside.
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15. Okay? We need to change things up.
Let's go outside, get fresh air.
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16. Let's run around a little bit.
Let's just do something different.
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17. You know what, Charlie?
You're right. This is great.
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18. Yeah. It's just nice to do something
different for a change.
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19. Yeah. Enjoy a little blue sky,
some fresh air.
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20. - Yeah. Some earth beneath our feet.
- See? I told you you'd like it.
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21. - It's goddamn bright out here.
- So bright. I can't use my eyes.
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22. - There's people playing football.
- Like there's no room to drink.
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23. - I'd like to go back to the bar.
- Let's go back to the bar!
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24. - Are you kidding me?
- Oh, look out. Let me see that.
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25. - Can I get that back?
- Yeah. Go long.
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26. I'll toss you a wicked spiral.
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27. Why don't you just give me the ball,
dude? We're trying to practice.
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28. - What are you practicing for?
- I'm trying out for the Eagles.
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29. Uh, the Philadelphia Eagles?
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30. Yeah. They're holding tryouts
for the public.
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31. Like in that movie, "Invincible".
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32. Was that the one where the guy
from the New Kids on the Block
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33. makes it onto the Eagles?
I saw that.
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34. That's the one. That's a good one.
Wait. They're actually doing that?
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35. - Yes. Just give me the football.
- Okay.
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36. Well, Dennis, I think you know
what we have to do.
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37. Dude, did you read this flyer?
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38. Donovan McNabb is gonna be
giving us a motivational speech.
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39. I know, dude. We are actually going
to be running on the Linc!
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40. Lincoln Field, baby!
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41. You guys think you're actually
gonna make the team?
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42. Hell, no, we're not
gonna make the team.
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43. But we will finally get to prove
once and for all
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44. who's a better football player.
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45. Right. Trying out for the Eagles is
the best way to settle that score.
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46. You know what? I would like to join
your little competition.
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47. - No, no, no, no, no.
- You... You... You're a woman.
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48. Women can't do things like this.
You'll get hurt.
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49. Women aren't allowed
to try out for football.
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50. That's ridiculous. They should
at least be able to try out.
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51. There are plenty of other sports
that women can try out for.
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52. Like, uh, cooking and...
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53. Complaining to your friends
about your boyfriends.
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54. - Playing... Playing at ballet.
- Cleaning.
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55. Displaying cars at auto shows
in tiny bikinis.
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56. When you get older, you can play
bridge together. I don't know.
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57. You know what? I am in such better
shape than both of you guys.
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58. Do you not think the first thing
they're gonna do to weed people out
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59. s make you run?
Oh, good luck.
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60. I could get so much
further than both of you.
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61. You think that's even a possibility?
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62. 'Cause that could
be very embarrassing for us.
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63. Well, we're never gonna have to
find out because she can't try out.
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64. - You can't try out!
- You're not allowed to try out.
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65. - That is a rule, right?
- Check the rules.
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66. We'll put a layer of beer,
then a layer of ice...
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67. - What are you guys doing?
- We're gonna tailgate the tryouts.
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68. Oh, shit. That's a good idea.
You gonna bust out Green Man, bro?
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69. - No. No Green Man.
- What's Green Man?
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70. Well, in high school, Charlie
was like our school mascot.
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71. A mascot nobody wanted.
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72. He'd get wasted and dress in
this green spandex bodysuit.
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73. - It was really sad.
- Spandex?
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74. That's it.
You gotta bring the Green Man suit.
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75. - With the spandex.
- Green Man was good.
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76. It got me through some hard times.
But I'm done with it.
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77. Tell you what. You can wear it if
you want, I'm just gonna relax.
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78. This is gonna be about
chilling out for me.
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79. This is gonna be
exactly like Woodstock.
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80. Is it? Are you planning on getting
yourself locked in the bathroom
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81. of your cousin's Winnebago
for three days?
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82. Shut up about that.
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83. I survived on hand soap
and toilet water for three days.
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84. The memory haunts me.
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85. The Linc, dude! The Linc!
Yeah, baby.
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86. I am actually gonna be able
to look down
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87. and literally see how many yards
I'm running.
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88. - This is gonna be awesome, dude.
- We might actually get further
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89. n this tryout than we thought.
See how many yahoos are trying out?
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90. Oh, yeah. I've seen a lot of
people wearing capes.
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91. - There are 15 guys wearing capes.
- Why would you wear a cape?
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92. - What advantage does that give you?
- Absolutely none.
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93. Have a little respect. We are here
with the Philadelphia Eagles,
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94. and they are opening up
their doors to us.
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95. - This is a boyhood dream.
- I know. I know.
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96. Why even come out here if you're not
gonna take this somewhat seriously?
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97. - You done pissing yet?
- No. I haven't started pissing.
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98. Because you're standing next to me,
you're talking to me.
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99. - It's making me nervous.
- All right. Want another beer?
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100. Yeah. Give me another beer,
for Christ sakes.
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101. I'm gonna sit here
and not drink another beer?
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102. Yeah.
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103. Cabana is assembled. The grill is
as sparkling as we're gonna get it.
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104. The margarita machine here
is open for business. Time to relax.
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105. Want to drop some acid with me?
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106. - What? You're dropping acid?
- Mmm. Woodstock, baby.
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107. Uh, okay. Well, no.
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108. Thank you.
I believe that would have
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109. the complete opposite effect
of relaxation for me.
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110. Well, I'm gonna trip balls.
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111. No. You messed up. It's too high.
It doesn't look right on you.
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112. Too high? No, I'm good at it, dude.
I did a good job on you.
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113. - 'Cause I have good cheekbones.
- You have good cheekbones?
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114. - You put foundation all over, bro.
- I put a light base on...
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115. Hey, guys. What's up?
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116. - What the hell is this?
- How's it hangin'?
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117. This is a joke, right?
You think anyone's gonna buy that?
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118. - Whatever, bro.
- You're gonna get crushed.
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119. Dee, the second any part
of your body touches that field,
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120. t's gonna shatter like glass.
- You got bones like glass.
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121. - I don't have bones like glass.
- You had to wear a back brace.
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122. Your body's, like, 90%
scoliosis, Dee.
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123. Move it, fellas.
Let's get on the bus.
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124. Bus? What the hell
are you talking about?
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125. The bus that takes you to the field.
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126. Wait. I thought we were gonna be
playing on the Linc.
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127. You think you dipshits are gonna
play on the same field
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128. that champions play on?
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129. - Where are we going?
- "Where are we going?"
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130. We're going to a shitty
high school in Bucks County.
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131. Now get your ass on the bus.
If I say it one more time...
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132. If I say it one more time...
If I say it one more time...
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133. Sprint to the bus.
Sprint to the bus.
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134. That's everyone on the bus, dude.
They're leaving.
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135. Maybe they're having the
tryouts in a different place.
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136. Son of a bitch. All right. Screw it.
We're here. We'll just relax.
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137. Stay here and look at the Linc?
Like a couple of dicks in a yard?
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138. Get out of here!
We gotta get up and go.
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139. - Oh...
- Let's go follow that bus. Come on.
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140. All right. You get that.
You get that. Come on. Let's go.
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141. - Charlie, get up.
- This is work. I didn't want to...
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142. Get the stuff. We'll follow the bus.
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143. - I like your mustache.
- Oh. Thank you.
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144. - I can't grow one.
- Okay.
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145. - That's a pretty sweet cape.
- Thank you. My mom made it.
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146. - Hmm. She did a very good job.
- Yeah.
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147. - She's talented.
- Mm-hmm.
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148. Can't believe we're not gonna tear
it up on the Linc. This is bullshit.
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149. Half the reason I wanted
to do this in the first place
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150. was to be out on that field.
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151. Man, stop smoking, will ya? Some
of us are trying to make the team.
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152. - Are you kidding me, bro?
- No.
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153. Guy, if you think
you're actually going to make
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154. the Philadelphia Eagles,
then you're pathetic.
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155. - You're pathetic.
- No, you're pathetic, sport.
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156. - You're pathetic!
- You're pathetic!
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157. - You're the one who is pathetic!
- Whatever, man!
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158. When I'm done with this tryout,
you'll go back to your sad,
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159. pitiful life,
and I'll be on the Eagles.
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160. And everybody in Philadelphia
will know the name McPoyle.
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161. - What'd you say your name is?
- McPoyle. Doyle McPoyle.
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162. - The unibrow. The eczema. The acne.
- He's definitely a McPoyle.
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163. There are so many of those people.
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164. Now, this is what I'm talking about.
Look at all the people.
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165. But we're stuck over here by the
portable shitters. It's kinda lame.
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166. - Stop bitching and set up.
- No. I'm not setting anything up.
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167. I'm sitting in my chair.
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168. I'm relaxing, I'm getting blackout
drunk, and you're leaving me alone.
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169. All right. Be a party pooper.
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170. - What are you doing, dude?
- Taking more acid.
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171. Classic mistake, Frank.
You're making a classic mistake.
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172. Just shut up and sit in
your stupid chair.
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173. It's your funeral, buddy.
Whoa! Hey there, guy.
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174. - That's good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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175. You kidding me, man?
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176. - What the hell is that shit?
- Man, that won't fly.
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177. Come on, dude. You almost ran me...
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178. - Oh, my God. The McPoyle brothers.
- Hello, Charles.
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179. - What the hell are you doing here?
- Came to support our brother Doyle.
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180. - He's gonna make the Eagles.
- Okay. That's fantastic. Great.
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181. - But your bus is spilling over...
- You almost ran me over, man.
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182. - Move it back.
- You gotta move it back a few feet.
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183. - No. No can do.
- We need the space.
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184. - For what?
- The whole family's here.
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185. Oh, that's great. Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
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186. Great. Of course you're here. Good.
How many... What is that a jar of?
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187. - What is that a jar of, dude?
- Pig parts.
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188. How many can there possibly be?
Oh, good to see her again. Good.
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189. She doesn't know what I'm saying,
right? Okay. Here he comes.
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190. You're here in the world. That's
the sun. It's gonna hurt your eyes.
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191. Watch your mouth.
They've got thin corneas.
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192. What is that? A fife?
You brought your little flute.
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193. Is there more? Are there any more?
Get 'em all out.
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194. All right. Look. I tell you what.
Leave me alone, okay?
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195. I don't care what you do.
Just leave me alone.
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196. 'Cause, like, I'm here to
relax and have a good time.
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197. I don't want any of your shit.
All right? So leave me alone, okay?
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198. We be cool. We're even now.
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199. - Bump it.
- I'm not bumping your fist.
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200. - Bump it.
- Do it, Charlie. Bump it.
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201. I'm not bumping you, all right?
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202. I never bumped him once!
I'm not gonna bump him!
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203. - Whatever. No bumping.
- These guys are freak shows, man.
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204. Hustle up! Let's go, bitches!
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205. - Let's move it! Let's move it!
- I was here first, Coach.
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206. - Hustle!
- Coach! Hi. Hi, there.
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207. Cole. Cole Armstrong.
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208. Three-time all-American. Fastest
sprinter in five counties. Coach?
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209. Would you like us to stand
when you address us,
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210. or do you prefer we take a knee?
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211. - I don't give a shit!
- Okay. I'll take a knee.
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212. I'll take a knee.
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213. We're doing these tryouts for you,
because of your harassment
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214. and your love for the
New Kids on the Block movie.
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215. You paid your $30 fee. We promised
you a keynote speaker.
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216. - All right. Bring him up.
- McNabb, dude. McNabb.
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217. - Gentlemen!
- Uh, is this good here?
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218. Yeah, that's cool.
Just put your parking brake on.
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219. Donovan McNabb.
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220. Hey, guys.
I'm Donovan McNabb. Whoo.
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221. Uh, I play quarterback
for the Philadelphia Eagles.
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222. And I'm here to tell you
that you can, too,
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223. f you start every day with a hearty
breakfast from McDonald's.
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224. Uh, like the new Sausage Egg
McGriddle Value Meal,
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225. available now for a limited time
for under five dollars.
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226. Remember, guys.
Real champs eat at McDonald's.
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227. I'm lovin' it.
Can I get the check?
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228. - That's good.
- What the hell was that?
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229. Thanks, Donnie.
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230. - That was not Donovan McNabb!
- That was not Donovan McNabb!
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231. - Yes, it was.
- It was like a McDonald's plug.
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232. Was that the guy from
"The Cosby Show?"
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233. - That's not the guy from...
- Yeah. He was married to Sondra.
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234. - Alvin.
- They had Raven-Symoné.
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235. - That's so Raven.
- That's not the guy from...
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236. You know what? Sprints!
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237. - Goddamn it!
- Sprints!
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238. - Sprints!
- Good job, dude.
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239. - I'm starting to feel it. Mmm!
- I bet you are, bud.
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240. - Feeling weird.
- Yeah, probably feeling very weird.
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241. The acid's making me feel
like I gotta take a dump.
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242. That's what happens when you
take a lot of acid, dude.
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243. - I gotta go.
- Then go.
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244. The line's too long.
Maybe I can hold it in.
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245. - Then go in the McPoyles' camper.
- Oh, no.
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246. That might bring back bad memories.
I think I'm gonna hold it.
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247. - How you feeling?
- Annoyed.
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248. - There's nothing kicking in yet?
- What you talking about? The beer?
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249. No. The acid.
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250. - I did not take any acid. Remember?
- Oh, yeah, you did.
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251. What are you talking about?
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252. I put a shitload of it in your beer.
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253. - What?
- Yeah.
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254. Is that what all those little
pieces of paper were floating...
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255. I drank all that shit, dude!
There was a ton of acid in there!
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256. - Yeah.
- Why would you do that?
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257. I don't want to be
the only one tripping.
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258. Oh, my God, man!
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259. - Oh, my God!
- I really have to go take a dump.
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260. Shut up. I don't care.
Go to their camper.
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261. I don't care, dude. Get out of here.
Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude!
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262. Why would you do...
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
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263. - You ready to quit yet, Cole?
- Yeah. You had enough yet, Cole?
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264. - Yeah, Cole!
- We ran for, like, 10 minutes.
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265. - My side is gonna explode.
- You guys are in terrible shape.
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266. This is gonna be a lot
easier than I thought.
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267. Let's go!
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268. - Let's go! Move it!
I'm in so much pain.
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269. All right. Now that
we got our hearts pumping,
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270. let's pick out some gear,
pick a partner... hitting drills!
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271. I pick Cole!
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272. Oh, no, he didn't!
Oh, no, he didn't!
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273. That's my signature dance.
Gonna do that when I tackle people.
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274. I like your form on that and I liked
how you went before the whistle.
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275. - Goddamn right.
- Nice.
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276. All right, guys.
Let's pick new partners.
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277. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.
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278. Nice. All right. You're up, man.
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279. Ah. Uh, hitting's not
really my thing, Coach.
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280. Spoken like a true champion.
You just might make the team.
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281. - Awesome. Really?
- Jesus Christ.
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282. Okay, Frank.
That was easy. Now just exit.
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283. Don't talk to anybody.
These people are freak shows.
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284. Wait. Wait. Better wash your hands.
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285. No telling what kind of germs
these McPoyles have.
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286. Oh! Crap!
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287. I'm starting to feel weird.
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288. What the hell? Oh, no. Not again.
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289. Oh, no! Hey!
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290. Hey! Hey! Hey!
Somebody get me outta here!
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291. Man, my brother
just leveled your boy out there.
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292. He's gonna make the Eagles.
Yeah, your boy's a pansy.
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293. But Doyle's a big strong guy.
Probably 'cause he eats fish.
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294. Is he just gonna talk
at me? I am gonna lose my shit.
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295. What is going on with his head? It's
too small or tight or something.
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296. Yeah, that's it.
His skin's too tight.
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297. My skin's not tight.
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298. Good catch, Doyle! Good catch!
Way to hustle! Way to hustle!
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299. - All right. Who's next?
- This guy.
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300. All right. Run out and hook in.
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301. Run out and hook in. Show these
people how to play football.
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302. I'm gonna make
Mac look so bad.
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303. My form is perfect.
I'm like Jerry Rice.
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304. Feel that stride. So fluid and fast.
I've got the stride of a gazelle.
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305. A beautiful,
beautiful gazelle person.
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306. My body is achieving
a perfect symmetry right now.
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307. It's that long, lean muscle
I've worked so hard to achieve.
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308. Hmm, I should've
popped my shirt off.
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309. Goddamn it. Really should've
popped that shirt off.
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310. I wonder if any women
are watching from the sidelines.
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311. All right, Dee. You can
do this. You can kick a football.
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312. You're better at sports
than Mac and Dennis.
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313. Holy shit! The other coaches
gotta hear about this.
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314. Well, well, look who's a natural.
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315. Guess I'll be getting
further than you after all.
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316. - Maybe it was a lucky kick.
- No.
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317. No. Those stork-like legs,
they act like pendulums.
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318. And on the bottoms of those
pendulums, feet like wrecking balls.
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319. We gotta do something
about this, dude.
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320. Let's go talk to Frank.
Come on. I got an idea.
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321. Somebody! Somebody help!
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322. Goddamn it!
Goddamn it! Not again!
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323. Frank.
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324. Hey, Frank.
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325. Who said that?
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326. I'm Artemis. I'm Dee's friend.
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327. - I'm trapped.
- I know.
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328. I can help. Crawl into my mouth.
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329. I don't think I can fit.
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330. Mmm, sure you will.
Just go one leg at a time.
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331. Okay.
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332. Into the toilet I go.
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333. Man, this is crazy.
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334. You are dancing
with the entire McPoyle family.
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335. These people
are freak shows, man. Freaks.
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336. But you're keeping your cool.
You are keeping your cool.
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337. You know why?
Because you are the Green Man.
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338. Green Man is saving your life right
now, bro. Just go with the flow.
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339. Charlie, we've been looking
all over for you, dude.
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340. Green Man.
I knew you couldn't resist.
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341. Huh? You know what? I'm actually
tripping pretty hard right now.
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342. - You're tripping?
- Yeah.
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343. Frank gave me some acid,
and it's like...
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344. - Oh, Jesus.
- Hey, guys.
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345. Guess who got
invited to training camp.
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346. Yeah. We're gonna be famous.
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347. Look. We need to talk to Green
Man alone for a second, please.
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348. - Okay? Thank you. Yes. Bye.
- Can we talk to the Green Man?
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349. Just go. Thank you.
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350. - Charlie, where's Frank?
- Really important.
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351. - Oh, Frank?
Yes.
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352. He's standing right there.
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353. Frank, what the hell are you doing?
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354. He's been trying to climb through
that trash can for 20 minutes.
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355. - I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
- Thank God you guys are here.
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356. - How'd you get in here?
- What are you talking about?
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357. I've been stuck in this
bathroom for three hours.
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358. I think he took a dump in there.
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359. - Can you give us a second, please?
- Whatever.
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360. I'm getting tired of
watching him anyway.
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361. All right. Frank, listen.
Did you bring your gun today?
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362. - Great. Walk me through the plan.
- The plan is, I get close to Dee.
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363. When she goes to punt the ball,
I fire the gun. It'll startle her.
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364. - She'll blow the kick.
- That's a great plan.
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365. Wait a second! How long have
we been standing right here?
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366. - Like two seconds.
- Seriously?
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367. Yeah. Frank, give me the gun.
We're in a hurry.
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368. - Where is it?
- It's in your hand.
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369. Wait, wait, wait! When the hell
did I put Green Man on?
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370. - I don't know.
- That lizard talks!
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371. Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
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372. We don't have time for this.
Frank, just give us the gun!
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373. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Lizard, am I standing in poop?
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374. I'm gonna demonstrate to all of you
my natural abilities as a punter.
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375. I'm gonna kick this ball 60 yards
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376. right in front of your faces,
and I'm gonna do it...
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377. as a woman.
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378. Oh, that's right. I'm a woman.
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379. And I'm about to show
all of you that women
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380. should be allowed to try out for
the Philadelphia Eagles. Coach.
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381. Wrap your minds around this.
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382. Oh!
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383. Oh, I broke it.
Oh, it may be broken.
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384. Oh, sweet Jesus,
I think I broke it.
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385. - Kick your legs, man. Come on.
- You're out of the trash can.
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386. - A deal is a deal. Give us the gun.
- Hold on. Hold on.
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387. I'm really peaking here.
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388. - Stop pointing the gun at us!
- Stop pointing it at us!
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389. Point it somewhere else.
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390. Nobody minds if I do a little
dancing now, do they?
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391. - Nobody cares if you're dancing.
- Hey, guys.
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392. Could somebody please take me to
the hospital, 'cause I'm pretty sure
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393. I broke every single bone in
my foot punting that football.
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394. - Really?
- Yeah. I didn't make the Eagles,
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395. but I would like to go to the
emergency room now, please.
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396. So your bones are
made out of glass. Yes!
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397. No, my bones aren't...
You know what? Forget...
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398. It doesn't matter,
I made the furthest, so I win.
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399. No, I win because you're the girl,
and you got knocked unconscious.
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400. - You didn't win. You got crushed.
- Once again! Yes!
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401. What is this? That is so stupid.
Guess what. I made it the farthest.
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402. - Yes, yes!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
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403. You shattered every bone...
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404. Holy shit. This thing is loaded.
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405. My leg!
- Doyle, are you okay?
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406. My leg!
Somebody shot my leg!
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407. No!
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408. - Oh, that's not good.
- That's not good.
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409. No. That could come back
and bite us in the ass.
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410. - Ready?
- Let's go!
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