It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3x12

1. Oh, wow, dude. This thing is disgusting.

2. There's so much rust. Maybe we should wipe it with a wet rag.

3. - I'm not gonna do that! - Why not?

4. Because it's a goddamn circuit breaker. We'll get electrocuted.

5. I'm just gonna use this screwdriver, all right?

6. It's got a rubber handle. That'll keep me grounded.

7. No, I'm pretty sure you have to be standing on rubber.

8. The bottoms of my shoes are rubber.

9. No! You know what it is? You can't be standing on the ground at all.

10. Maybe you should jump up into midair and do it.

11. Yeah. If you jump into the air and grab a live wire,

12. you... won't get electrocuted.

13. But then if you land on the ground and you're still holding that wire,

14. you'll be blown to bits. I saw it in "Tango and Cash".

15. So I'm supposed to risk my life based on something...

16. that you saw in the movie "Tango and Cash"?

17. - Kurt Russell... I think. - I'll jam this with a screwdriver.

18. The rubber handle will ground me and I'll be safe.

19. - All right. Give it a shot. - Okay.

20. - It's all set to scrape... - Oh, my God!

21. Holy shit!

22. Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?

23. - It exploded. - You're making it worse!

24. Bro, you gotta pay somebody to fix this, man.

25. No! I'm tired of spending my money...

26. every time something goes wrong in this place.

27. We can't fix it, Frank! It's too dangerous!

28. - It scared the shit out of me. - Well, get Charlie to do it.

29. He won't go near the thing. He's been electrocuted, like, 500 times.

30. Yeah. I think he's starting to catch on to that.

31. Get me a harness 'cause I'll have to be swinging in the air to do this.

32. - Are you kidding me? - I told you.

33. Did you get the flashlights?

34. Forget about the flashlights! Check these bad boys out!

35. - They fell off the back of a truck. - Nice grab.

36. But what about the flashlights?

37. Uh, I'm sorry. Someone wasn't paying attention, right?

38. Free speakers, dude! Free speakers for the bar!

39. - Mac, let's plug these bad boys in. - We don't have any electricity!

40. - That's why we need the flashlight. - Careful!

41. I'm sorry. I didn't...

42. - Holy shit. What is that?

43. - Oh, my God. - Whoa.

44. - That's a... big bag of drugs. - This is not good, dude.

45. Somebody'll be looking for those drugs.

46. Relax. They're gonna be shit out of luck 'cause no one...

47. - No one saw us take the speakers. - Did they?

48. - See us take... (scoffs) - No.

49. There you have it. Look, let's not worry or panic.

50. This is... (swallows) This is a lot of drugs.

51. But, like, what's the worst that could happen? (chuckles)

52. - Gotta get rid of it. - Yeah. Drugs are bad news.

53. - Let's get rid of it. - Throw it in the garbage.

54. Ooh, you can't do that 'cause a kid could find it.

55. - Right. - Burn it.

56. Then we're dealing with a fume situation.

57. - Yeah. You gotta wear masks and... - Yeah, it's a whole thing and...

58. - It's a big production. - All right, then bury it!

59. No, see. Now we're back to the kids again.

60. Because kids run with shovels, playing in dirt.

61. - And then one of them's gonna... - Okay. Call the police.

62. What, are we gonna just solve society's drug problem?

63. - You know what I mean? No! - Is that on us? Is that on us now?

64. The community is still going down the toilet.

65. So I think what you're saying, Sweet Dee,

66. s that we could use the unsolvable drug problem in our society...

67. to fix the solvable light problem in our bar.

68. - Yes. - Absolutely. I hear you.

69. We're saying we're gonna do the drugs,

70. and then we're gonna try and fix the lights.

71. - Charlie didn't understand that. - That's asinine.

72. Yeah, we're gonna flip the drugs.

73. Make a bunch of money. Use that money to fix the electricity.

74. All right. Well, both ways work. I kinda like my way.

75. - Your way's terrible. - I'm in.

76. - Let's sell these drugs. - You're not in.

77. - Thank you. - And you're not gonna sell them.

78. We'll do it, Charlie. Because we found the drugs.

79. - And you're bossy. - Very bossy.

80. - I'm not bossy. - Scumbags!

81. Frank, come on. Look, we're trying to get some money...

82. to fix the lights in our bar because you won't give it to us.

83. Back in my day, only the biggest pieces of shit dealt drugs.

84. We're not gonna deal drugs. We're gonna flip it.

85. - We'll flip it once. - It's a onetime flip.

86. We'll go to your... that shady guy Bingo that you know.

87. We'll say, you know, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money."

88. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

89. I'm sorry. I don't think you can call dibs

90. on a shady people-smuggler. - You can't do that.

91. Just do not mention my name!

92. Relax, dude. No one's gonna mention your name.

93. Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.

94. Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a bitch and wear his face.

95. - Anyway, what's up? - Well, we're trying...

96. - Don't look at me. - Excuse me?

97. - Look up. Up. - Okay.

98. - Is this good? - That's fine. Now speak.

99. Uh, okay. Uh, well, listen, Bingo.

100. We got a bucket of nose clams fresh from the sea.

101. Sweet, delicious nose clams that are looking for a home if you follow me.

102. No. I don't follow you. I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

103. Yes, you do. It's not confusing.

104. Just everybody settle down. These are the kind of "nose clams"

105. that make you want to dance the night away.

106. I don't get what the hell you're talking about.

107. - It's so obvious! - You know what? It's not obvious.

108. Now you're being too vague. You're talking about dancing clams.

109. (groaning) What's gonna make you dance?

110. These are the kind of nose clams

111. that you crush up into a line of white powder.

112. And you snort them up through your nose. And they make you high.

113. You use a dollar bill or a straw to do it. They come from Colombia.

114. They're illegal. And they rhyme with "propane".

115. Perfect. You found a perfect medium ground there.

116. - So you want to sell me cocaine? - Yes!

117. Why didn't you come out and say that instead of dancing around it.

118. We talked about it in the car. It's a thing you do.

119. That is the kindergarten behavior of drug dealing.

120. - Do you want them or not? - Yeah, of course I do.

121. - Oh, great. Well, here you go. - Thank you.

122. - Eyes, boom. - Yeah.

123. - Oh! (laughs) - Oh!

124. Youse two. We need to talk to youse. Huh?

125. Oh, shit. Are you guys gangsters?

126. (together) - Shut up! - Ah, owe me a Coke.

127. Listen, rumor has it that somebody who works at this bar...

128. found a certain somethin' that belongs to us.

129. A certain somethin' which may or may not have fallen off a certain truck.

130. And the certain somebody we know

131. thinks they saw that certain someone pick it up

132. and take it back to that certain bar,

133. which may or may not be the place that we happen to be or not be...

134. talkin' to a couple of certain somebodies right this very second.

135. Capisce? Huh?

136. Fellas, we're about six beers' deep.

137. So I think you're gonna have to...

138. be a little bit more clear 'cause I didn't get that last part.

139. I missed out on the whole thing to be honest.

140. I was confused by it. I'm very confused by the...

141. I was very confused by the whole thing, if I'm being honest.

142. Look, why don't you just return what belongs to us...

143. or pay us the 25 G's that it's worth, and we'll be square.

144. - Youse got until Friday, huh? - What happens on Friday?

145. Well, Friday is the day... that we may or may not be forced...

146. to chop your limbs off...

147. and distribute them evenly amongst your friends and your family.

148. And that's Friday.

149. - Friday. - Okay.

150. Well, thanks, gentlemen. That's very... a very clear message.

151. And we will certainly get on that right away.

152. - Yeah. Okay. - That's muched appreciated.

153. - Uh, good day to youse. - And good day to youse.

154. Come on. What's the matter with you? Chewin' in my ear all the time.

155. Come on. Come on. Come on.

156. Holy shit!

157. - The lights are fixed. - Yeah, man.

158. - No shit. How'd you do that? - We got bigger problems than that.

159. The drugs that you just sold, they belong to the mob.

160. - What? - Yeah, they saw you guys.

161. Yeah. Guys, real-life actual gangsters. It was pretty cool.

162. - They came to the bar... - It was not cool!

163. Look! The point is,

164. we're gonna give them the money that you got from Bingo. So it's...

165. Cool. And then maybe we can keep a little for ourselves too.

166. - Yeah, well, how much did you get? - Oh, dude. A one, a two,

167. a 300 dollars! - Hello.

168. You guys, those drugs were worth 25 grand!

169. Oh, shit! Are you serious?

170. - Yes! - I told you.

171. - I asked for more money. - What?

172. - Yes, I did. - No, you didn't!

173. I was using "Dead Presidents" as a cover. You didn't get that?

174. He said to the man he wanted many, many thousands of green people...

175. (together) from history times.

176. Oh, my God. We are so screwed.

177. How are we gonna get 25 grand by Friday?

178. Don't look at me. You made this bed.

179. You're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.

180. This is not the time to be throwing down life lessons.

181. We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.

182. Did they say they're gonna whack us off?

183. They implied all of us!

184. Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen.

185. We're gonna take the money. We'll get our drugs back from Bingo.

186. We'll give it to the mob. And we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

187. - And this time I'll do the talking! - Okay.

188. Just keep my name out of it.

189. Frank said to tell you to sell us back our drugs.

190. - Okay. No problem. - Good. Good.

191. - Excellent. - Problem solved.

192. - 5,000 dollars. - What?

193. Just an hour ago, you gave us 300 for 'em.

194. - Yeah, I don't recall that. Come on!

195. All right. What can we get for 300 then?

196. Uh, you want an exotic bird? (all clamoring)

197. If you're gonna play this game, we need to buy something from you...

198. that we can sell back to other people at a higher price.

199. - Yeah. - Okay. OxyContin.

200. It's a very popular pill these days.

201. And I happen to have a whole shitload of it.

202. - How much? - 1,200.

203. - Oh, boy. - That's gonna...

204. - Bingo! Wow. - Goodness gracious with this guy.

205. If it's not one thing, it's another thing.

206. Okay. But think about it this way.

207. If we split it, it's only a few hundred dollars each.

208. Let me just go grab my cash from my money tree that I have planted.

209. I know a leprechaun who has a pot of gold. Lives at the end of my street.

210. Maybe I'll go to a bank and say, "Hello. Do I have an account here?"

211. Call Donald Trump!

212. How do three men in their 30s not have 800 dollars between them?

213. - They're... - The economy is in shambles.

214. - Have you taken a close look... - The NASDAQ!

215. - At the marketplace right now? - Dow Jones!

216. Stop talking, goddamn it! Fine! I'll do it!

217. I'm not getting my money back, am I?

218. Give us money.

219. Boom.

220. What am I supposed to do with that?

221. - You tell us. - Yeah. Bingo said

222. you knew how to sell those drugs. - I told you not to involve me!

223. - Did you mention my name? - First thing we did.

224. - You gonna harp on it all day? - Goddamn it!

225. - The guy's gonna skin me alive. - He is gonna skin you alive.

226. - He mentioned something about it. - Will you just pay the mob off

227. so we don't have to sell these pills?

228. I am not using any more of my money!

229. - The mob is gonna kill us, man! - Look, if I cave on this,

230. I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life.

231. I'm putting my foot down on this one.

232. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

233. Fine! Whatever! It doesn't matter.

234. Because, seeing as how I'm the boss...

235. - You're not the boss. - Oh, yes, I am.

236. I've come up with an excellent idea.

237. Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club

238. that you used to belong to. And we're gonna sell the pills there.

239. - That'd be a good place. - Yes. Thank you very much.

240. You can't make no 25,000 dollars from that amount of pills.

241. - How long you got? - Till Friday.

242. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two. Go into prostitution.

243. You are disgusting! How could you suggest...

244. I am absolutely not doing that!

245. I wasn't talking about you.

246. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.

247. - I would think, yeah. - I was saying the male escort

248. s really hard to come by.

249. I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.

250. Uh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.

251. - What? - Okay. Make it me.

252. Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna think

253. they're gonna catch somethin' from you.

254. - They are. They will. - I was thinking about Dennis.

255. Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?

256. - Probably not. - Then I'm not going to do it.

257. Let's sell some drugs. Why are you grabbing it?

258. - I'm the boss. Get out. - Very grabby. Really?

259. Okay. I think we gotta look for old ladies with lots of big jewelry.

260. - They got the deepest pockets. - Ah, that's my girl.

261. Dennis, I think you should unbutton this button too.

262. - No... - Show a little chest.

263. Frank, I know what you're trying to do. And I'm not gonna be a whore.

264. So just drop it. All right?

265. Holy shit. Did you guys see that midget dressed like a lawn jockey?

266. - That's a jockey, Charlie. - Do what, now?

267. That's a real jockey.

268. The ones that ride on the horses... Forget it!

269. Wait, wait, wait, wait. They have horses here?

270. There's a racetrack next door, dude.

271. - Bye-bye. - What? No!

272. - Where are you going? - All right, whatever!

273. - Let's split up. - I call Dennis.

274. No. I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank.

275. You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?

276. You're gonna try and make me bang old ladies.

277. Then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

278. We're wasting time. Dee! Let's split up!

279. Come on!

280. Oh, that's good, huh? You like that?

281. - It's a real beaut, ain't she? - Holy shit. You can talk?

282. - What? (chuckles) - That is great.

283. I would've figured if anything, your voice would be like super high.

284. All right. Well, good for you.

285. She normally doesn't take to strangers. She must like you, huh?

286. Yeah. Wow. You know, she seems like a real nice horse.

287. Well, actually, she kicked the last stable boy's brains in.

288. He takes his food through a straw now.

289. - I bet. - Hey,

290. you wouldn't be interested in taking his job, would ya?

291. I'd be very interested.

292. Well, you have any qualms about picking up shit?

293. (whistles) Terrific. Terrific.

294. Usually, we'd use a shovel for that. But to each his own,

295. - I guess. Why don't you come... - Not me.

296. and meet the fellas? (mutters) - All right.

297. Oh, right. Good work.

298. Okay. Now, there's only one thing that these rich old men understand.

299. And that is money. So I am gonna play the role

300. of a high-powered executive. And you are going to be my secretary, Linda.

301. Ooh! No. No. I will be your business partner.

302. Dee, these guys are old school, okay?

303. They don't like women's rights. Don't give me any lip!

304. The first thing I need you to do is get Jameson on the phone...

305. and tell him I don't need his 650,000 dollar investment.

306. He can shove it right back up his ass.

307. Ooh, I got a better idea, Bob. How about you do it?

308. - What's that? - Yeah.

309. I think you should get Jameson on the phone for me.

310. Well, why would I do that, Linda? You're my secretary and a woman.

311. (chuckles) What do you know about investing?

312. Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. Remind me again what we're having Jameson invest in?

313. Jameson is investing in new technologies.

314. Really? Which ones? - Lasers.

315. - Lasers! - Yep.

316. - That is adorable. - Lasers, Linda!

317. Who wants to buy some drugs?

318. - Hey, man. You workin'? - Excuse me?

319. Don't play dumb with me, hermano. I know a gigolo when I see one.

320. (scoffs) No, look, I'm not a gigolo, all right?

321. - For real? - Yeah.

322. Hey, a good-looking guy like you could do very well in my business.

323. Thanks. But I'm not really into banging old ladies.

324. Bang them? No, bro.

325. You got it all wrong, man. These women are classy.

326. Yeah, they just want someone to be nice to them.

327. Flirt a little bit. That's it.

328. Really? I wouldn't have to bang these ladies?

329. No. Bro, it's all fancy dinners, exotic vacations.

330. These ladies have so much cash, man. It's the life.

331. You should really think about it.

332. You could make a killing here, bro.

333. Huh.

334. (man singing: Spanish) Hey.

335. - Nice work. - Hey, thanks, man.

336. - Oh, that's yours. - Thank you very much.

337. - Yours. Thank you. - Hey, man. You said 20.

338. - Take it or leave it. - Hey, whatever, homes.

339. Puta pendejo.

340. Man, these guys are crazy. I can't believe they bought all my pills.

341. Ah, you know what they say. Nobody parties like a jockey!

342. I was not familiar with that expression, Buster.

343. - I didn't even know you could talk. - So you want that job or not?

344. I tell you what. I got a little something

345. I gotta straighten out with the mafia. You know how that goes.

346. - Oh, sure. - But when that's done, maybe.

347. Because there's something about that horse, Buster.

348. You know, it's like we looked at each other.

349. And then there was eye contact. And I was looking at the horse.

350. The horse was looking at me. And then it hit me, I think maybe...

351. I was a centaur in my past life.

352. Something tells me you probably were never half-man, half-horse.

353. But, hell, what do I know? All I know is you got a great attitude.

354. So come on, you old son of a gun,

355. and let Buster do a line off your boner.

356. (inhales) No?

357. Uh, "garzon," why don't you hook up the young lady here...

358. with one of your best strawberry daiquiris?

359. All righty. Thanks.

360. Hey, how's it going, man? Uh, did you sell any of your pills?

361. No. Actually, I'm kind of working a different angle here, Charlie.

362. - Check it out. I sold all of mine. - Okay, that's...

363. Lawn jockeys are crazy people, man. Did you know that?

364. Great. But... You're kinda cramping my style.

365. I'm trying to drum up business here. You know what I'm saying?

366. Dude, I think I was a centaur in my past life.

367. It totally occurred to me.

368. What makes you think you were half-man, half-horse?

369. Charlie. Come on. Out, out. He's working.

370. - What? I'm enjoying a roll. - He's working.

371. Will you please get out of here? You smell like cheese.

372. No, no. It's horse shit.

373. Well, whatever it is, it's terrible. Okay?

374. Let's call it what it is. It's horse shit. I have it all over my hands.

375. - Let's go. Get up. - But it's not cheese.

376. The horse was eating a lot of cheese. I don't know what it is.

377. - You stink. - Come on. Get up.

378. - I don't wanna get up. - Frank, as a matter of fact,

379. you don't smell much better. If you could get out of here,

380. that would be really helpful. - Don't talk to me that way.

381. Don't talk to me. I am your pimp.

382. - You are my ho. Look, dude.

383. - Horses don't eat cheese. - You are ruining this!

384. Will you get out of here, for the love of all that is holy on earth!

385. - You reek of cheese! Excuse me.

386. Are you the Reynolds party?

387. - Yeah. Yeah. - Uh-huh.

388. We had to escort your friends off the property.

389. They're waiting for you by your car.

390. Oh...

391. Yeah. Where? Ah, the guilty parties.

392. Yeah. Yeah, Mac made a whole series of bad decisions.

393. And then we got kicked out, and they stole our drugs.

394. - Was he being bossy? - Yeah. He was being very bossy.

395. - And now we've got nothing. - All right. It's not a total loss.

396. - No, no, no. - I sold all my pills.

397. - Oh! Nice. - Oh, that's awesome.

398. - What about you, Dennis? - Dennis is a prostitute now.

399. - Good. - No, I'm not a prostitute, okay?

400. - Yes, he is. - There's no banging old ladies

401. and dudes. All right? I will be providing a very important service,

402. however, as what I would like to be called a handsome companion.

403. - To dudes? - To guys or...

404. No, not to dudes. No, hang on.

405. Hold on. Hang on. To old, fancy, rich ladies...

406. who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.

407. Great. Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

408. Dee, let's take Charlie's money and go buy some cocaine.

409. Do you see what you're doing here with the bossiness again?

410. - And the demanding. - Ordering everyone around.

411. - I don't appreciate it. - Oh, he's out.

412. You're not kicking me out. I'm your boss!

413. You're the only one who hasn't made any forward progress today.

414. - Just hang back. - Wait.

415. I'm just supposed to put my life into your hands?

416. - Look, man. We're in some... - Leave your ego out of it.

417. Excuse me! We're in some serious hot water here...

418. because of you and your bossiness, all right?

419. I think you should stop acting like such a baby.

420. - So you're gonna leave me here? - We cannot have you around us

421. screwing things up! - How am I supposed to get home?

422. You're supposed to walk like the rest of the Americans.

423. You walk, you know? On their two feet!

424. - Walk? It's like 40 miles! - Oh, that's why young people...

425. You can't do this to me! You can't do this!

426. I'm smart, and I deserve respect!

427. I'm gonna get you sons of bitches!

428. Whoa! - You want to stop it already?

429. (clamoring) It's all right.

430. I put the parking brake on. Sorry about that, boys.

431. - Hey, you got our money? - No, I do not have your money.

432. But I think there's been a misunderstanding here.

433. - And I want to set it straight. - Proceed.

434. Well, ever since your alleged package... (man chuckles)

435. came into my bar, I may or may not...

436. have had absolutely nothing to do with it.

437. - You did or you didn't? - I did.

438. You did have something to do with it?

439. No. No. I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.

440. Wait, wait. You just said you did have something to do with it.

441. I think I said I did have absolutely nothing to do with it.

442. - But you said... - Are you sure?

443. When you use a double negative, it becomes something totally different.

444. We can get into that later. The point is this, guys.

445. I want to get in on what you guys got.

446. I want to dress like a track star.

447. I want to wear gold shit and slick my hair back

448. and grow a pompadour, you know? - You want to join our crew, huh?

449. - More than anything. - Okay, first things first.

450. - You gotta prove your loyalty. - Prove my loyalty?

451. Yeah. I want you... to go clean the bathrooms.

452. - Yeah. - The bathrooms?

453. - Yeah. The bathrooms. - Why?

454. 'Cause that's the first step in becoming a part of our crew!

455. Okay. Guys, I clean a mean bathroom.

456. I learned from one of my friends, You'll get to know him too maybe.

457. - I'll bring him in. - I'm sure you will.

458. - Thank you. Thank you. - Go.

459. You gonna really let him be part of our crew?

460. Hey, summer squash for brains,

461. I'm gonna make him our bitch till Friday.

462. - Oh, bitch boy. - Bitch boy.

463. And after that?

464. I wanna whack him off irregardless.