It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2x8

1. These things are hilarious.

2. These are priceless. These are priceless.

3. What are you guys looking at? Uh, Garbage Pail Kids.

4. Heavin' Steven. Classic.

5. Totally classic. I love Heavin' Steven.

6. Are those those stupid cards

7. where babies are doing disgusting things?

8. They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

9. You got quite a collection there, buddy.

10. Yes, I do.

11. Hey, Charlie, how about givin' me a couple of these?

12. Uh, no.

13. I tell you what. I'll buy 'em from you. You got a ton of 'em.

14. No, no. These are, like, an investment.

15. This is my future here, okay. So don't mess with them.

16. Hey, have you guys seen this?

17. We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax.

18. "Blasted in the ass."

19. Mac, we have this same conversation every year.

20. There's nothing you can do about taxes.

21. You guys might want to think about voting every once in a while.

22. - What has voting ever done? - Why... Since wh... What has...

23. - Why are you comin'down... Voting? - Who am I supposed to vote for?

24. Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat

25. who's gonna blast me in the ass...

26. or the Republican who's blasting my ass?

27. Politics is just one big ass blast.

28. It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast.

29. No more! You guys are such morons.

30. If you knew about politics, you would know that that is not true.

31. Deandra, it's just some jerk gettin' into office

32. so he can get out for the payday.

33. Right. The guy's runnin' for office. He's... What? What payday?

34. I see it every year.

35. Some clown runs for office, drops out of the race

36. and gets a big chunk of dough.

37. I mean, you have to be a real low-life piece of shit

38. to get involved in politics.

39. Okay. I just got off the phone with the city clerk.

40. Turns out there's an election comin' up.

41. Local, small-time shit. Anybody can run.

42. - What's the position? - "South Philly, Zone 2,

43. "District 37 Comptroller."

44. - Nice. What's a comptroller? - Who gives a shit, dude?

45. We're doin' it for the bribe. I nominate Dennis.

46. - I accept your nomination. - Wait a minute.

47. How come he gets to be the candidate?

48. Take a look at that hair... Kennedy hair.

49. Note the bone structure. It's like a young J.F.K.

50. I got the same bone structure.

51. What are you making that noise... What is that about?

52. You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area.

53. - Five head. - Did you say five head?

54. I don't have that.

55. Deandra, a woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.

56. Come on. There are plenty of amazing women politicians.

57. - Name one. - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

58. - Awful. - How is she awful?

59. - Hates freedom. - Uh...

60. Okay, Dennis, you are gonna need a campaign manager. That's me.

61. - So... - We should put that one to a vote.

62. 'Cause I'd be a good campaign manager.

63. It's too late. I already have the clipboard. You can be my assistant.

64. - Mmm. Assistant is... - Should I wear a blazer for this?

65. - Yes. - No.

66. I like what he said.

67. Charlie? Campaign manager. You don't need a blazer.

68. - A blazer's gonna look... - I like where he's goin'.

69. - What am I gonna do? - You get to be the intern.

70. - Yeah, the intern. - What does an intern do?

71. - Cut limes. - Stock glasses.

72. - Serve drinks. - No. No. Come on. Damn you!

73. - I'm not doing that. - Hold it! Hold it!

74. If my son is gonna solicit a bribe, he's gonna do it the right way.

75. - I'm gonna be campaign manager. - Like hell you are.

76. You are way too old. Politics is a young man's game.

77. Mac, I think you might be in over your head here.

78. - Over my head? - Yeah. Listen.

79. Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager

80. raise their hand.

81. - For God sakes! - The people have spoken.You're out.

82. So that's it? I'm fired? This is bullshit!

83. - That's politics, man. - That's politics? That's politics?

84. This is wonderful. This is just wonderful. You know what?

85. I'm walkin' outta here. I don't need this shit.

86. I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation. Show you, bitches.

87. - Can I grab that clipboard? - No. That's mine.

88. Dee, check out my blazer.

89. - Yeah. It's too small. - Nah. It's perfect.

90. - How's the bar? - Full of hoboes. A lot of hoboes.

91. - Watch your ears. There you go. - Frank.

92. Frank, I don't think this is the best idea for our candidate's image.

93. This is a brilliant idea... "hobo-vertising".

94. Come on. It looks good. Beer him.

95. - We gotta fire Frank. - He's my dad. I don't know.

96. But, Dennis. Dennis. Hobo-vertising?

97. - That's not you. It's cheap. - Ooh.

98. It's cheap politics. It's not gonna get us that bribe.

99. I mean, you need to be out there.

100. You gotta be shakin' hands. You gotta be kissin' babies.

101. - I don't like babies. - No babies. Don't kiss babies.

102. Just get out there into the world, and...

103. You gotta let me be your campaign manager.

104. I mean, I can really drive this thing in a different direction.

105. I mean, when I look at you, I see success.

106. I see... You're top-notch. You're Goin' all the way with this thing.

107. - Oh. - Frank's just gettin' in the way.

108. Give me this chance. Just give it to me.

109. I didn't realize I was gonna have to make so many tough decisions.

110. Take him down.

111. This is a goddamn coup!

112. Don't take it personally, Dad. That's just politics.

113. You look like a dick in that tiny jacket.

114. - Let's not attack my candidate. - Don't go after the jacket.

115. - Shut up, Charlie. - The jacket's good.

116. I can talk to my son any way I want.

117. - Give him the clipboard. - No. No.

118. - Clipboard belongs to the manager. - I want that clipboard.

119. - Go to hell. - Oh, that was ugly.

120. - That was uncalled for. - Mmm.

121. Wow. That was, uh, a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be.

122. - I can get a clipboard anywhere. - Yeah.

123. - All right. - Don't do that.

124. - I want you to run for comptroller. - What?

125. I'm gonna be your campaign manager.

126. We're gonna stroll right into that comptroller's office

127. and solicit a bribe.

128. - Forget it. I am not helping you. - Deandra, we'll get this bribe...

129. and we'll shove it right in your brother's face.

130. We'll screw those guys.

131. I would like to shove it in his face.

132. Okay.

133. Okay. Now let's get you ready for the ball, Cinderella.

134. - What are you doing? - The bangs, they... The five head.

135. Let me get this straight. You want to try and solicit a bribe?

136. Yes!

137. You want my union to back your roommate

138. for South Philly District 37 Comptroller?

139. - Yes. Correct. - But not to win.

140. - It sounds illegal. - Aw, for God sakes.

141. What is with you two? Come on!

142. Like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit.

143. - Sorry to disappoint you. - You're, like, a couple of nerds.

144. All right, look. Let me take you bitches to school for a second.

145. In this country, in the real world, people make money.

146. Somebody is gonna make a ton of money off my roommate.

147. - I want it to be you. - Let me make one thing clear.

148. We are not a criminal organization.

149. Why are you talking to me like I'm a jackass? I am not a ja...

150. Oh. I see what you're doin'.

151. Okay. Nobody here is a criminal. No, sir.

152. I think we're speaking the same language.

153. - Are we? - Oh, yeah.

154. We're being listened to. Bugged. The feds. I get it.

155. I read. I see movies. I understand. Okay.

156. I want you to contact me at Paddy's.

157. - I'm gonna get the ball rolling. - Mm-hmm.

158. It's safe there.

159. Okay, gentlemen, sorry we couldn't work anything out.

160. But, uh, I'm gonna go home and pay my taxes.

161. Right?

162. - You want me to call the cops? - Not yet.

163. I've got a better idea. Let's screw this son of a bitch.

164. Come on, Morris. We don't have time for this.

165. He called us nerds, Gary.

166. Nerds.

167. Are you gonna take care of the crime problem here?

168. Absolutely. I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em over to Iraq

169. make 'em fight the terrorists. - You're very handsome.

170. - Thank you. - This is going very well, man.

171. - People are responding to me. - They love the bone structure.

172. - They like the Kennedy hair. - I've been looking for you guys.

173. I've been thinkin', and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys.

174. - I want to help. - What? Wait, wait.

175. First you wash your hands of politics. Now you want back in.

176. That's called flip-flopping. That's what Democrats do.

177. Hang on a second. Let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.

178. Yeah. Give me a chance. What should I do?

179. "What should I do?" Strike one, buddy.

180. You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.

181. All right. Ah, check this out.

182. Excuse me. Hi.

183. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.

184. - Oh, thank you.

185. Yeah, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

186. f that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.

187. - Excuse me? - Oh. I'm sorry.

188. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

189. - You know, I'd rather not. - It's good for him, and for you.

190. - You should just give me the baby. - Please leave me alone.

191. Okay, lady.

192. If you give me the baby, I could get it over with.

193. - I said no! - Goddamn it! Just give me the baby!

194. - Somebody help me! - Lady! Give me the ba...

195. - This is campaign suicide, dude. - Let's get outta here.

196. There, there, there.

197. There, there, there. Take a look.

198. - Got it on? Sure? - Yeah. Take a look.

199. - What do you think? - I think I look like a whore.

200. - I'm trying to make you sexy. - This is not sexy.

201. - What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look.

202. The tossed look. The ruffled look.

203. You look like you just... Anyway, we have to convince this guy...

204. That we're a legitimate threat to his campaign.

205. There is nothing more threatening to a man

206. than a woman who is smart and attractive.

207. - We have to pretend you're both. - Wow. You're a horrible father.

208. - Let's just go. Let's get it done. - Great. Great.

209. Now, Daddy hates to say this, but...

210. I think we should talk about the breasts.

211. "Oh, don't hurt my baby." Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby.

212. You know what I mean? Goddamn Dennis. Fire me?

213. - I'll fire you. - Mac. Get in.

214. We got a bribe for your roommate's withdrawal from the race.

215. Really? Wow. You nerds work fast. All right. How much did we get?

216. We don't get any money until you pull your guy from the race.

217. Oh.

218. Okay, uh...

219. That's not gonna be a problem, is it?

220. - No. That's not gonna be a problem. - Better not be, Mac.

221. Otherwise, Marvin here is gonna have to take care of you.

222. Take care of me how?

223. I'll probably stab you in your throat.

224. Jesus Christ! Stab me in my throat?

225. - Are you serious? - Pull your guy out, Mac.

226. I'm gonna pull him out. I'm gonna pull him out, Marvin.

227. Marvin, I'm gonna pull him out. Okay.

228. Who's the nerd now, bitch?

229. That was fun. I feel like a gangster.

230. Shut up, Gary.

231. I'm not dropping out.

232. - Bro, you have to drop out. - Why?

233. I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair.

234. - All right! Oh, God! - You don't have thejawline.

235. - How could you say that? - If I hear one more flip-flop...

236. I'm gonna throw up in my mouth.

237. - You ready to do this? - I'm just doing some fine-tuning.

238. - It looks good. - Just trying to get my tan on.

239. Let's hurry. The battery on this drains like a tub.

240. What is going on in here? Are those beach towels?

241. We're gonna shoot a commercial,

242. getit on public access, get the message out.

243. - It's a million-dollar bill pal. - Yeah. A million-dollar bill.

244. You guys are never gonna get a bribe.

245. - It's not about the bribe anymore. - We don't care about that.

246. - I could be a real politician. - He's goin' to the top.

247. - Really do some good in here. - Are you listening to yourself?

248. You've never done any good for anybody ever!

249. I do good! I do good!

250. - You never do anything! Loser! - You're just jealous!

251. - I'm not jealous! - All right! All right! That's...

252. That's no way to run a campaign, boys.

253. - Let's have the talk outside. - All right. We'll talk outside.

254. - Yeah, we'll make you happy. - You're droppin' out of that race.

255. - We'll work it out. - I'm droppin' out of shit.

256. - We'll work it out. - We'll work it out. You and me...

257. - Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did.

258. - You are going to hell, little man! - Mmm, I don't think so.

259. - That's politics, bitch. - I hate you, Charlie!

260. - You ready? - I'm ready.

261. Get in front of the flag and the million-dollar bill.

262. Dude, you and my dad share this futon?

263. No.

264. No, we... No, we got a whole different situation worked out.

265. - What's the situation? - It's... I sleep on the... And...

266. You got the script that I wrote? Grab the script.

267. I've been meaning to speak to you about this.

268. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

269. - It's good. - I think you might be dyslexic.

270. - No, no! Please. Read it. - I think you might be dyslexic.

271. - Read the script. - You want me to read the script?

272. - Yes. And action. - All right.

273. I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello, fellow American.

274. "This you should vote me. I leave power. Good.

275. "Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot."

276. What?

277. "Taxes. They'll be lower, son.

278. "The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia.

279. "So do." This doesn't make any sense.

280. Well, then just say whatever you want.

281. The battery's dead. It's gone. I gotta charge it up again.

282. This one piece is makin'me nervous.

283. - You need to stop touching me. - This right here.

284. Please stop touching me. This is really ridiculous.

285. I'm stuffed in here like a jerk.

286. - Deandra, you look sensational. - No, I don't.

287. Just remember. Let Daddy do all the talkin'.

288. Sorry I'm late.

289. - Jack Stanford. - Frank Reynolds.

290. - This here is my daughter, Deandra. - Hi.

291. Hi. Well, I never like to keep a beautiful woman waiting.

292. - Oh. Thanks. - You see, uh, Mr. Stanford...

293. I myself am a problem solver

294. and you got a big problem on your hands.

295. - I'm afraid I'm not following. - Check out the goods to my right.

296. This pretty little lady is not only my daughter.

297. She happens to be your biggest opponent in the election.

298. - Beauty and the beast. - You're funny.

299. Let the men do the work here, Dee.

300. Now we can make this problem go away

301. before it becomes a more expensive problem...

302. f you catch my... drift.

303. Are you trying to solicit a bribe from me?

304. - I don't know. Am I? - 'Cause if you are...

305. not only is that illegal and highly unethical...

306. but you're doing it with the subtlety of a baboon.

307. - Let me take another approach here. - I tell you what.

308. Why don't we discuss this over dinner?

309. Dinner. That sounds good.

310. - I was talking to her. - Look, Jack,

311. my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man.

312. - Isn't that right, sweetie? - You're fired.

313. Frank. Frankie, I gotta talk to you.

314. - Not interested. - Look, I'm in a lot of shit here.

315. - So? - I need to destroy Dennis.

316. What do you have in mind?

317. When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland

318. he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenage camper.

319. A vote for Dennis Reynolds is a vote for underage rape.

320. Dennis Reynolds... baby rapist.

321. Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.

322. - This is a goddamn smear campaign. - You raped a girl?

323. No, no. Okay. Rape?

324. I was accused of... Okay, statutory, first of all.

325. Not... I kissed her. She was a year younger than me.

326. That's not... even statutory or anything.

327. What's the note say?

328. All right. Yeah. All right.

329. Uh, "Meet"...

330. Starts out "Meet", and then there's, like, other stuff.

331. "Meet me in the parking garage. Frank."

332. - Yeah? - Yeah.

333. You clearly have a learning disability, dude.

334. - This is a trap. - It's not. Go see what he wants.

335. - It's a trap. - It's not! Make this thing go away.

336. Okay. I'll get the master.

337. - Did you come alone? - Yeah.

338. Where'd you get that trench coat?

339. - It's cool, huh? - It's very cool. Was a smart buy.

340. - All right, you got the tape? - Affirmative.

341. Okay, what's this gonna take?

342. You and Dennis gotta bow out of the race.

343. - Not gonna happen. - Gotta happen.

344. Not gonna happen. I want that tape.

345. I'm gonna need you to beg.

346. - Don't make me beg. - You gotta beg.

347. - Seriously? - Seriously. Down. Down.

348. All right. I know what you're talkin' about.

349. - What do you say? - Please, can I have the tape now?

350. - No. - God! What's this gonna take?

351. What the hell is that?

352. Charlie traded me his whole collection

353. of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape.

354. Oh, my God. This is bad. This is so bad, man.

355. These things, Mac... You don't know how rare they are.

356. These are rare. You can't find these.

357. Bro, I am in some serious shit. I needed him to drop out.

358. I don't care what you need. That is politics, bitch.

359. I wanna tell you somethin'.

360. - I'm really glad you asked me out. - Me too.

361. - How's that drink comin'? - Strong.

362. I should really probably think about gettin' something to eat.

363. Yeah. Still got a little left there.

364. Not for long.

365. Hey, have mine.

366. Oh. You're such a gentleman.

367. Are you gonna buy me some food at some point? Or...

368. What do you say we get outta here?

369. - Oh. - Who's the slut?

370. - Honey, this isn't what... - Another one of your whores?

371. Who do you think you are... Bill Clinton? You're a comptroller.

372. Did he tell you he had a wife?

373. - Did he tell you that, you whore? - No.

374. - Whoa! Whoa! All right. - You bitch!

375. Hey! Pour me a shot there, buddy boy. I got it.

376. - Oh, what'd you get? - I got the smear tape.

377. - Oh, hey, man. That's great. - Yes!

378. Whoa. Sweet Dee. What the hell's goin' on with you?

379. Screw politicians. Charlie, pour me a shot.

380. No time for that. We gotta get back out on that campaign trail.

381. - What do you say? - I was thinking about that.

382. - I don't wanna do that anymore. - What?

383. Oh, yeah. I googled "comptroller".

384. Turns out that this guy's really just a glorified accountant.

385. And I hate doing math. It sounds like a ton of work.

386. - Do you understand me? I hate work. - No.

387. These guys, they make less than teachers. It's a...

388. - So what? - So I'm not doing it anymore.

389. - No. You have to run. - No, I don't.

390. Yeah. Yeah, you do.

391. - No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

392. No, I don't. You're not the boss of me.

393. - I'm the campaign manager. - You're fired.

394. I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you.

395. Well, that was stupid.

396. Bit of an overreaction, don't you think?

397. You look like a whore.

398. - Psst. You come alone? - Yeah.

399. Why couldn't we just meet in your apartment?

400. - It's not safe. - Is that Frank's trench coat?

401. - Yeah. Pretty sweet, right? - Totally sweet.

402. Listen. I need your help. I'm in a lot of shit.

403. - I'm listening. - I need to make Dennis disappear.

404. Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about.

405. - Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing.

406. - I know you guys have become close. - Not that close.

407. How do you wanna do this thing?

408. If we use a gun, we're gonna need a silencer.

409. - A gun? - Fine. No guns. Piano wire.

410. Maybe we can use some piano wire. Look, whatever it is...

411. I gotta be the guy to pull the trigger on this thing.

412. Retard. I'm talking about taking Dennis to Atlantic City

413. for a couple of days until the election is over.

414. What are you talkin' about?

415. Atlantic City. That's good.

416. Just take him down to the shore for a couple days.

417. - I'll take him to Atlantic City. - What's wrong with you?

418. I give the guy my blood, sweat and tears, right?

419. And my Garbage Pail Kids. And...

420. And he just drops right out of the race on me.

421. - Dennis dropped out? - He dropped right out of the race.

422. So I'm out my Garbage Pail Kid... And, like...

423. If we used piano wire on him... As long as we hurt him a bit...

424. Sorry, Charlie. Plan's off.

425. - What are you doin'? - I'm gonna go collect my money.

426. Looks like you bitches shouldn't have fired me in the first place.

427. Are you kiddin' me? Are you kiddin' me with that?

428. I'm gonna buy a car and drive as far away from this goddamn city...

429. Hey, Mac. Where you runnin' to?

430. Huh?

431. Goin' to visit your friend over at the union?

432. What's goin' on? Is there a problem?

433. I don't know. Phil, is there a problem?

434. Conspiracy to solicit a bribe. Racketeering.

435. I'd say there's a big problem.

436. Your buddy over at the union came to see us recently.

437. Told us about your interest in politics.

438. - He ratted you out, Mac. - Apparently, you called him a nerd.

439. Some people don't take kindly to that type of insult.

440. Yeah. You're goin' away for a long time

441. and prison can be a very unpleasant place

442. for a good-lookin' young man like yourself.

443. Oh, yeah. They're gonna tear through you like Kleenex.

444. That is, of course,

445. unless you got something to make it worth our while.

446. Are you soliciting a bribe from me?

447. Sorry, pal. That's politics.