It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2x3

1. - Dennis, stop acting like a child. - I don't wanna hear it, Dad.

2. Deandra, move the pool table so you and your brother can lay some grout.

3. - I am not laying grout. - You guys are being babies.

4. We're being babies, Mac? Why don't you go work for your dad all day?

5. - My dad's a meth dealer. - "Oh, no! My daddy's in prison!"

6. "My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes. Feel sorry for me!"

7. - I got the grout. - You're not even listening to us.

8. - Are you really leaving? - Yes!

9. - Later, bitches. - Yeah, have a good life now.

10. All right, look. I know what you're doin'.

11. I can play this game. Mac and me and Charlie can run the bar.

12. - Great. Terrific. It's a good idea. - We got better things to do.

13. Please. What are you two gonna do?

14. Dee and I have a little something we like to call "goals", okay?

15. We have aspirations outside of this bar.

16. We got big dreams, Mac. We're gonna go follow 'em.

17. You guys have nothing without this bar.

18. Don't worry about us, Mac. We'll be just fine.

19. So what are your dreams? Hmm?

20. Your goals, what are your aspirations?

21. - Were you serious about that? - Yeah! What are you doing?

22. Signing us up for unemployment benefits.

23. Unemployment? No.

24. Dee, that's for deadbeats. Come on.

25. We got a golden opportunity here. You know?

26. We can do anything we want if we put our minds to it.

27. Well, I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.

28. - And I fully support you. - You do?

29. Absolute. Look, the old Dennis would have said,

30. "Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic."

31. But the new me says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams.

32. - You should go for it. - Really?

33. Yes! Come on. This is America! We're gonna go for it!

34. We're gonna work hard! We're gonna reach for the stars!

35. We're gonna become more successful than our parents.

36. - We can shove it in their faces. - Make 'em eat shit!

37. - Oh, look, we qualified. - Really? How much?

38. - $400 a week. - $400.

39. - It's more than we made at the bar. - I know.

40. Okay, new plan.

41. - We're gonna go on unemployment. - Yeah.

42. - That's what it's there for, right? - In the meantime, we will focus...

43. Work hard and keep our nose to the grindstone.

44. Right?

45. Absolutely.

46. Ready? One, two, three.

47. - God damn it! - Why can you not lift your end?

48. I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.

49. Are you lifting with your back?

50. Of course I'm lifting with my back, Charlie, okay?

51. But I think your end is just lighter

52. cause the balls have rolled down to this end.

53. No! You got to snap your back up and lift.

54. I'm jerking my back up!

55. - What do you want from me? - Hey, what's the ruckus?

56. I'm trying to conduct important business back there.

57. We finished with the tile, and we're trying to move the pool table back.

58. All right, all right, all right. Have you done the urinal?

59. Because the urinal, you flush it, and it sprays all over the place.

60. - Yeah, I know. I know. - Look, bro.

61. You got to stop bossing us around, okay?

62. I mean, look at Charlie. You're breaking his spirit.

63. Look at me. I'm broken, dude. Look, I'm...

64. You guys need a father figure. And I'm trying to be that father figure,

65. and someday you're gonna thank me for it.

66. And that's all there is to it. Trust me. Trust me on that one.

67. You're gonna thank me for it. (door closes)

68. I don't want a father figure.

69. #Oh, baby, you You got what I need

70. Come down just a little bit. He's not hitting it that high, you know?

71. - You got to split the difference. - Yeah, split the difference.

72. What the hell is this?

73. Living the dream, bro. Living the dream.

74. I thought you two were out looking for careers or something.

75. We are, man. We're just getting a little bit of assistance

76. to help us out over the hump.

77. And this unemployment thing is so great,

78. because we've made really big plans.

79. - I'm gonna be a veterinarian. - Yeah.

80. And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.

81. What? It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and you're piss-ass drunk.

82. Well, you know, it's a slow process, man. It takes a little time.

83. - But we trust the system. - Is that a new watch, dude?

84. - It is. It's awesome. - Oh, and I got a Jesus chain.

85. - It's good. Look at it. - All right, look, guys.

86. We want you to come back to the bar, okay?

87. - Why in the hell would we do that? - You're not even listening to me.

88. - Did you see my Jesus chain? - I'm busting my ass in that bar,

89. and you guys are sitting on the stoop getting drunk all day long?

90. (mock crying) What, this again? What, this again?

91. - I have to work! - Cry for me. Cry for me.

92. I don't know how to take advantage of government programs.

93. Unemployment runs out, all right?

94. And once it does, you guys are gonna be back out on your asses.

95. Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude.

96. - Welfare? - Mmm-hmm.

97. - You guys can't go on welfare. - Oh, really?

98. It's reserved for people who need it, you know?

99. Like poor people who need some help...

100. (stereo plays) It's set up...

101. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit

102. who want to waste millions of dollars in tax...

103. You want to play this game? We gonna play this game now?

104. Charlie, sign here, here and here.

105. So, you're giving me all your money.

106. Charlie, for the 500th time, I'm not giving it to you. It's not yours.

107. I'm just setting up a temporary account in your name.

108. What my wife can't find, she can't get.

109. Right. This is good. This is shady, Frank. I like this kind of stuff.

110. But you will be handsomely rewarded

111. f you just keep your hands off this money.

112. Right, right. So what's the vig?

113. - The vig? - Yeah, man.

114. You know, what's... What's the vig on this action here?

115. Do you even know what vig means?

116. Hey-oh! What's up, bitches?

117. Get your gloves. I got a lot of grout work for you to do.

118. Forget the grout.

119. I have been doing a little research that will change our lives forever.

120. Turns out there's a little program called Work for Welfare,

121. n which businesses hire potential welfare recipients,

122. the government subsidizes their wage,

123. and the IRS affords thousands of dollars in tax relief.

124. Oh, I don't know what you're saying. Dude, is that a question?

125. I don't understand. What's going on?

126. Don't you get it? We will never need Dennis and Dee again.

127. We hire a couple people, pay them nothing,

128. and get them to do all of our work for us!

129. - We just pay them nothing? - We pay them nothing!

130. - That's incredible. - It's incredible!

131. - What do you think, Frank? - If we do something like this,

132. we got to make sure we don't abuse anybody.

133. No. Oh, my God! I know what it's like to grow up poor, you know.

134. We got to treat people with respect.

135. Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!

136. - The name of almost every game. - Absolutely.

137. Because we understand the plight of the worker.

138. - The plight! - Respect.

139. Respect the plight.

140. What do you think, Frank?

141. I'm good. Go get us some slaves.

142. No, dude. That's not what I'm saying.

143. All I'm saying is that "slaves" is not a racist term.

144. Look, dude, I'm... Okay, look.

145. I'm saying over the history of time, right?

146. There have been slaves of many different races.

147. There's been Jewish slaves. I mean, uh, Italian, uh...

148. I recognize that, Charlie. But in this country,

149. we have to understand that it is a sensitive issue, okay?

150. - I understand that. - What about that one?

151. He seems strong.

152. - Look at those massive thighs. - Yeah, those are good thighs.

153. Yeah, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.

154. That's what I'm talking about. You can't be saying things like that.

155. No, dude. I'm not saying that because he's black.

156. He's asleep in his chair. You know, like what...

157. - What about that one? - Don't do that.

158. I knew you were gonna do that. 'Cause, why are you going to him?

159. That's like reverse affirmative action, dude.

160. You don't want to do that.

161. You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here, man.

162. Well, how do you know he's not gonna be a good slave?

163. Come on.

164. - Look at that. - This is complicated and confusing.

165. And, like, I don't even understand.

166. We got to talk to someone. Let's just talk to someone.

167. Hello. Hi. We are here to sign up for the Work for Welfare Program.

168. Yeah, my associate and I were just out on the floor.

169. And we're looking for a suitable candidate, but...

170. The problem is it's really tough to tell by eyeballing these people.

171. So we were wondering, like, do you have, like, a Facebook?

172. Or anything that we can go over, like physical stats?

173. - And some kind of numbers... - Excuse me?

174. Something to just expediate the whole process...

175. It doesn't work that way.

176. Why don't you read up on some of the program's stipulations?

177. - Oh, that's big. - The Facebook?

178. No, "Rules and Regulations". It's, uh, sort of a legal document.

179. - Now, is there any way around this? - None whatsoever.

180. - Okay. - All right, well...

181. - Thank you for your time. - We got this, so we'll read it.

182. Have a good one. I'm not reading that.

183. - No, I'm not reading this either. - We'll get Frank to do it.

184. Maybe get a slave to do it.

185. - Oh, look what the cat dragged in. - Oh, well...

186. I see you've decided to steal our welfare idea.

187. - I can't say I'm surprised. - We're not stealing your idea.

188. Let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation

189. between friends at the welfare store.

190. - Let's go our separate ways, okay? - You guys can't get welfare!

191. - Uh, yeah. We can. - No, you can't!

192. They don't give it to any jackass that walks in here.

193. It's reserved for people who need it, okay?

194. - Drug addicts, mentally disabled... - Mac, we've got it covered. Dee?

195. Your bicycle helmet.

196. Later, boners.

197. (sighs) - That's an awesome helmet. - What? Go! Out!

198. Hello.

199. Hi. Um, I'm a recovering crackhead.

200. This is my retarded sister that I take care of.

201. I'd like some welfare, please.

202. You're a recovering crack addict?

203. - Yep. - Mmm-hmm.

204. And she's mentally retarded?

205. Oh, most definitely.

206. You have the proper medical paperwork?

207. Medical paperwork?

208. We're gonna need a physician's report

209. to confirm your sister's mental illness,

210. and your blood work to confirm your...

211. crack addiction.

212. Well... Can't you see how retarded she is?

213. (sighs) Lose the helmet, sis. We can't prove that you're retarded.

214. - I want that welfare, Dennis. - I know you do. So do I.

215. You don't understand. I got a taste of my dream. I can't go back.

216. I got to get to Broadway, and welfare's the key.

217. - What do you wanna do? - Oh, they wanna play rough?

218. We can play rough. Let's go buy some crack.

219. Okay, thank you. We're all set. Friday, 3:00. Full blood work.

220. - We'll just smoke a little bit. - A little bit.

221. - Enough to get into our system. - And then we'll go to the doctor.

222. We'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.

223. Then we'll collect for just a little while until we get settled.

224. - And then I'll take the MCATs. - I'll move to New York. Perfect.

225. (gasps) Oh, my God!

226. - Oh, Jesus! - Oh, wow, you scared us.

227. Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no.

228. - No, we're not racist. - No, no, no, no. God, no.

229. - The neighborhood is scary. - If you were another ethnicity...

230. - You really did pop up. - But it's a nice neighborhood.

231. - It's the nature of this... - Roll your window down.

232. Okay.

233. - What you need? - Uh, one, please.

234. - One what? - Uh, one rock of crack.

235. A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?

236. How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

237. Tell you what. I'll make you a deal.

238. Two for the price of one.

239. - Really? - Oh, that sounds good.

240. - That's very nice of you. - How much?

241. Uh, $200?

242. - Okay. Uh-huh. - Sounds reasonable. Great.

243. Okay. Let's see here, uh...

244. That should be about 200. Thanks for being so kind.

245. And patient.

246. Pick it up down there.

247. - Wait. Where? - Which...

248. - This one. It's got to be that guy. - Don't say "this one".

249. Maria, after you're done in the bathroom you come look for me,

250. because I got some boots to be shined, all right?

251. Tony, go chase that leak down in the basement, all right?

252. Okay, boss. (exhales)

253. Mac, I got to hand it to you. This is brilliant.

254. That's how I roll. Charles?

255. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get nice and drunk,

256. play some video games until my eyes bleed.

257. - Amen to that, brother. - Me too. I wanna play Charlie.

258. Uh... Don't you have, like, some stuff that you need to do?

259. - No. - Yeah, managerial stuff.

260. - Managerial stuff! - No, I got that all cleared up.

261. And then I thought after we played a video game,

262. the three of us go outside,

263. throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch.

264. - Hey, that's not gonna work out. - I'll teach you how to play.

265. - Yeah, I already know how to play. - Not properly though.

266. - Kind of properly. - Right. Oh, Charlie. You know what?

267. We got to get into the bathroom to show Maria...

268. Charlie has this thing, the scrubbing.

269. Charlie has this scrubbing thing with the Brillo.

270. - I have a Brillo. - He has a method.

271. - And we got to show her. - Make sure that she's got it down.

272. - I'll get myself a beer. - Yeah! Yeah, get a beer.

273. We'll work it out over here.

274. Well, this is a development I did not expect.

275. It's like he's really trying to become our father.

276. - I know how to play football. - I know you do, bro. I know you do.

277. (sighs) Do you want me to leave?

278. Huh? No, you're good. Make sure you really work the sponge in there.

279. Because otherwise, that stain, like, it'll...

280. - It's not clean if you don't. - Yeah. It's gonna get worse.

281. Charlie, what are we gonna do? We got to ditch him or something.

282. Tell you what. How about you and me, we go out on the town?

283. You know what I mean? We celebrate this whole...

284. (whispers) Slave situation.

285. I'd love to, Charlie. I really would but we don't have any money.

286. - What are we gonna do? - Oh, I got money.

287. - What? - I got a whole bunch of money, bro.

288. Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account.

289. And why was I not made aware of this before?

290. Uh, it's got something to do with the vig.

291. What's a vig?

292. Well, you know how gangsters, they talk about a vig?

293. - Yeah? - And it means...

294. - Yeah. Oh, a vig! - A vig.

295. - Yeah. Well, you should have a vig. - I should have a vig, right?

296. - And Frank didn't give me one. - It's bullshit! You deserve a vig.

297. - I do. I'm a good guy, right? - You're a great guy.

298. We're all great guys who deserve vigs. We're good people.

299. All right, here's the plan. We're gonna slip out of here, okay?

300. We're gonna hit an ATM. We'll take out just a little bit of cash.

301. - Just a little. - Just enough. He won't even notice.

302. Just enough to have a quiet night out.

303. (whooping) Here's some for you! Here's some for you!

304. And here's some for you! (laughs)

305. Oh, God.

306. Oh, shit!

307. Dennis!

308. - Dennis! - What happened?

309. It's 4:00. (shudders)

310. I'm freezing and I'm sweating all at once.

311. I think I may have peed in my pants.

312. We missed our doctor's appointment.

313. Well, only by an hour. If we hurry, maybe they'll still see us.

314. It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.

315. We slept through a whole day?

316. - I feel awful. - I feel like I'm gonna die!

317. I don't wanna feel like this anymore, Deandra.

318. Mmm-mmm. Me either. Okay, listen.

319. Maybe if I make a phone call right now,

320. we'll be able to make another appointment.

321. You think he'll see us on such short notice?

322. We have got to try.

323. Hey, man. Thanks for seeing us on such short notice.

324. - That's what I do, baby. - Two more, please.

325. That guy. Yeah.

326. No, these are old, and I need to get new head shots.

327. Because you can't have an agent without head shots.

328. Dennis, when you become a veterinarian,

329. will you buy me some new head shots? Please? Dennis?

330. - Hey! Dennis! Hey, Dennis. - Huh. What?

331. When you become a veterinarian, will you buy me head shots, please?

332. Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! (dog barking)

333. Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.

334. I'll buy you lots of things. (exhales)

335. I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.

336. - Hey! Hey, that's Dennis and Dee! - Driver, pull over!

337. Hey, Dennis! Dee!

338. - Oh. - Hey.

339. - Guys. Hey. - Hey. Hey.

340. - Hey, how's it going? - Oh, yeah. It's gonna...

341. We're putting a couple things together lately.

342. - Hey, uh, are you guys holding? - Holding what?

343. Holding... Do you have any money?

344. - Please? - Oh, um...

345. - I just need a little bit of money. - Charlie, wait!

346. Charlie, wait! No!

347. Driver, we're done here. (all laughing)

348. That's enough whining, for crying out loud!

349. I think it might be broken.

350. I told you not to act like such a nancy boy out there.

351. Something was bound to happen.

352. I didn't think it was full-contact.

353. How do you expect to become a better player if nobody pushes you?

354. Maria, go get us some ice and three beers.

355. - I don't drink. - Me neither.

356. You don't drink? Jesus Christ! You two are a couple of downers.

357. You work hard, you don't drink. How'd you end up on welfare?

358. It's a vicious cycle, Mr. Frank.

359. I mean, one cannot support a family on a minimum-wage...

360. (cell phone rings) Oh, shh-shh-shh-shh!

361. Y'ello?

362. This is Pam from First National Bank. Charlie Kelly, please.

363. - Yeah, this is Charlie Kelly. - Hi. I'd like to speak with you

364. about some recent activity on your new account.

365. Some recent activity on my new account?

366. - We got a big problem here, buddy. - All right. Try it again.

367. I've tried it three times, okay? It's just not working.

368. Need I remind you that the services have already been rendered, Charlie.

369. - We got to pay these girls. - He cut us off.

370. - Is there a problem? - No.

371. - Not a problem here. - Yeah, I'm calling Hector.

372. - No, no. Don't call Hector. - I'm calling Wallace.

373. We shouldn't be calling Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp.

374. Charlie and I are gonna handle this situation

375. just like we handle every situation. - Yeah, we are gonna...

376. Well, you know, we'll just go back to work for a little while.

377. Just for a little while 'til we have enough money to buy some more crack.

378. And then, we'll go on welfare, and I'll go be a star.

379. And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind.

380. - Maybe we should think about rehab. - Go to rehab as soon as possible.

381. - In a couple days. - Yeah.

382. Not now. (shouting)

383. - Ah, Jesus Christ! That was close. - Oh, look who it is!

384. - What the hell are you doing here? - We're getting our jobs back.

385. - You can't have em! - We might have a drug problem.

386. Oh, see, I might not really care. Your positions have been filled.

387. - So we're gonna take yours. - You're not gonna take our jobs.

388. My dad called and said that we could have your jobs.

389. We need money to pay our hookers, okay? So you can't have 'em.

390. - But we need money to buy crack. - Oh, I'm sorry.

391. Did you get addicted to crack? Did somebody get addicted to crack?

392. (mock crying) I sweat uncontrollably!

393. I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

394. (arguing) Children, what's all the fighting about?

395. Did you tell them that they could have our jobs?

396. Why don't we go on inside where it's nice and warm

397. and we can settle this like a family?

398. - Yeah, what about the slaves? - Slaves are gone.

399. They were bringing me down. Plus, you know they don't drink?

400. - Drink? I want a drink. - Wait, wait, wait!

401. Stop a second. There are gonna be some changes made. All right?

402. First of all, you two from now on are gonna do all of Charlie's work.

403. - No. Not his. - Stop!

404. Charlie, you got a lot of balls stealing my money.

405. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.

406. - That's why I did it. - That's fantastic!

407. That's why I did it too, Frank. I stole lots of money. What do I get?

408. You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

409. How come Charlie? Not fair.

410. - How come Charlie? - Why would you do this to us, Dad?

411. Because you are crackheads, children.

412. - Crack. - Crack.