It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 1x5

1. You're such a dildo, dude. Thanks, dude.

2. That's a good way to start the day.

3. Is that soy veggie health drink

4. supposed to erase the damage you did to your liver last night?

5. Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with?

6. Come on. You don't have to be so judgmental.

7. - She was gross, dude. - She wasn't that gross.

8. Maybe if you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more.

9. - Give me a sip of this. - No!

10. I just wanna try it.

11. You do not get to taste my delicious healthy drink

12. after making fun of it. - Why not? Just give it to me.

13. 'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.

14. She doesn't have any diseases!

15. - Dude, she was really gross. Guys!

16. - We got a real serious problem. - There's been a B&E, dude.

17. A what? - A B&E, dude!

18. - A B&E? - What does that mean?

19. Somebody broke into the bar and stole our safe.

20. - Breaking and entering. B&E. - What? No...

21. - Are you serious? - My God!

22. - When did this happen? - Last night, I guess.

23. We just walked in this morning and found it like that.

24. - Who locked up last night? - I did. The locks weren't broken.

25. So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe?

26. - Yeah, but it's not my fault. - How is it not your fault?

27. - Well, it's somebody's fault. I know it's somebody's fault!

28. - Well, it's somebody's fault! I know that!

29. Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other.

30. - We need to be rational. - All right.

31. - It's clear what needs to happen. - What?

32. We need to buy a gun.

33. So what do you think?

34. I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe

35. that a relatively small man can't just carry away.

36. But there's been a string of these robberies all over the area.

37. - You don't have any leads or... - Not really.

38. Not really. What in the hell does that even mean?

39. How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something.

40. - People are working on it. - Hey, you guys.

41. They're pretty sure it's the same guy

42. who's been hitting all the bars around here.

43. - We know, Charlie. - So we're done here, Harris.

44. - What? So that's it? - Yeah.

45. We'll call you if we come up with anything.

46. - Well, thanks. - Yeah, thanks.

47. Let's go get that gun.

48. - No. Guns are not a good idea. - What?

49. They're dangerous. Someone's gonna get hurt.

50. - Yeah. Mac, no guns. - Guys, somebody stole our safe.

51. Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves

52. n case something like this happens again.

53. Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a shit.

54. Mac is absolutely right. What if one of us was here when it happened?

55. - We would have been killed. - Come on. You don't know that.

56. Well... Come on.

57. - Hey, babe. - Hey, Colin.

58. - Was that law enforcement? - Yeah.

59. - Is everything all right? - No. We got robbed last night.

60. Shit! Are you kidding me? What happened?

61. Remember the other day when you were making fun of us

62. for having such a tiny safe? - That really sucks, guys.

63. We have reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and...

64. - Yep. Just about... - Guys, it's a travesty. I'm sorry.

65. (whispering) No guns.

66. Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men.

67. No shit. I hate that guy. He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.

68. - Plus, he's a total player. - What do you mean?

69. You don't know about this? My God!

70. That guy's dated every hot bartender in town.

71. I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.

72. - Hand down the back of her pants. - Gross.

73. - Very gross. - Whatever, dude. Charlie, close up.

74. Dennis, let's go get us a gun.

75. Do you really think they're gonna buy one?

76. No. I mean, I told them not to,

77. but Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.

78. - I think it's a great idea. - I'm sorry?

79. I think it's really smart.

80. Owning and knowing how to properly use a firearm

81. s an important part of what makes this country great.

82. Well, that's what I was trying to tell them...

83. - To tell you the truth... - What?

84. There's nothing sexier than when you're firing a gun.

85. Actually, it really turns me on.

86. That's exactly why I want you to teach me how to use one, sexy.

87. - It would be my pleasure. - I think the pleasure is mine.

88. You've got a poppy seed in your teeth.

89. - Get it? - It's a big one.

90. You might wanna go to the bathroom.

91. Yeah! Calm down! All right!

92. - Hwang... You're just in time. - Charlie, my rent.

93. - Okay, listen. - No! I cannot wait anymore!

94. Don't come over here and just start yelling at me!

95. (shouting indistinctly) Hwang... Wait!

96. Let me go get something, and I'll fix it.

97. All right, hurry up. Hurry up!

98. I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient!

99. - You getting my money? - Do you want a rice krispie treat?

100. - $854 you owe me! - I realize how much money it is!

101. I'm not gonna take it no more! I placed a couple bad investments!

102. (shouting continues) (shouting) Hwang!

103. I placed a couple of bad investments.

104. - It could happen to anyone, right? - Okay.

105. I'm going to get your...

106. Goddamn money by the end of the month, okay?

107. I come back tomorrow. I want my goddamn money!

108. - Yeah, tomorrow. - I want my money!

109. Dickhead!

110. We're gonna be very careful about this, right?

111. We'll stash it right here just in case we need it.

112. Until then, we don't go near it.

113. Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again.

114. Hopefully.

115. - You wanna shoot it? - Yes.

116. - Yeah! - Yes!

117. How do you like me now, log? You totally killed that log, dude.

118. I totally killed it. I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.

119. - You're a really good shot, Dennis. - Thanks, bro.

120. - You're pretty good, too, hoss. - You hit the log a bunch of times.

121. If that log was trying to rob the place, you would have killed it.

122. - I would have killed it! - You totally would have killed it.

123. - You wanna shoot it some more? - Yeah!

124. - Can I load it up though? - Absolutely! You like the sound.

125. - I like the sound of the clip. - Hey!

126. - What the hell are you guys doing? - Charlie, check it out.

127. - No... - Check it out.

128. - That's not fun! That's not a toy. - Come on, Charlie.

129. I'm serious, man. You shouldn't be playing around with guns.

130. First, we need to open the bar. We got robbed.

131. Hwang is all over my ass because of rent.

132. - You wanna hold it? - No.

133. - Come on, Charlie. Just hold it. - I wanna open the bar.

134. - Charlie, hold it for a little bit. - No, I don't wanna hold it.

135. Give me the gun. Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Good. Nice.

136. Really nice feel to it. That's really good.

137. - Is this thing loaded? - It can be.

138. - That's my boy! - That's amazing!

139. - Yeah. Can you feel it? - You bet I can feel it!

140. - Describe what you feel. - I feel like... I feel focused.

141. I feel badass and just badass, you know?

142. - I think he's got it, Mac. - Yes, he does.

143. - Got what? - My boy, you've got the gun fever.

144. That's what I'm talking about.

145. - You seeing this? - Yeah.

146. - That is sexy. - Yep, totally.

147. - You feeling sexy? - I don't know.

148. It's all right to be nervous. Everyone's nervous their first time.

149. But I promise you, once you put your hand around this,

150. you are gonna love it.

151. Actually, I've got something I think you'll love.

152. I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here.

153. - What if I... Okay. - Just shoot the gun, Dee.

154. Why would I not be serious?

155. All right. Thanks, Detective.

156. - Nothing? - No, nothing.

157. I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude.

158. Of course they're not, dude. This is what I'm talking about.

159. These cops don't give a shit about us.

160. I think it's time we took matters into our own hands.

161. How?

162. Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own.

163. Do some snooping around, try to crack the case.

164. - We got the gun. - That's true.

165. - Wanna go shoot it some more? - Yes!

166. Let's do that.

167. - What the hell? - What?

168. - Dude, the gun's not here. - Holy shit!

169. Look!

170. - Charlie? - Charlie.

171. Yeah, I got the gun.

172. Why, Charlie? It's supposed to be here to protect the bar.

173. - Yeah, I know. I just... - You just what?

174. I just needed it.

175. - Is this the gun fever talking? - No.

176. I don't have the gun fever, man. Look, I'm coming in to work later.

177. - I'll bring it with me. - I don't like the sound of this.

178. (pounding on door) I gotta go. I'll see you guys at the bar.

179. He hung up.

180. (pounding continues) All right! I'm coming! Dammit!

181. Hang on a second there. (pounding continues)

182. - Hey, Hwang. - So you got my money now?

183. I got some rice krispie treats in the fridge. You want some more?

184. Charlie, I don't like you. I never liked you.

185. So just give me my money, or Hwang will be forced to...

186. (sighs) I'm sorry. Forced to...

187. What you doing? What's that?

188. So, listen, Hwang.

189. Let me talk to you about your money for a second.

190. I don't have it right now. I just don't have it.

191. But I'm gonna get it, because I have my ways.

192. Do you know what I mean when I say I have my ways?

193. What is that? Is that a yes?

194. (laughs) Hwang... Sometimes I can't understand you.

195. You're talking, but I don't understand you.

196. So say yes if you know what I mean when I say I have my ways.

197. - Yes. - Good boy. Get lost.

198. So we got the binoculars. We got the ziplock baggies.

199. We got the maglite.

200. I think as soon as Charlie gets here with the gun, we're all set.

201. This is great, dude. We're like the Hardy Boys.

202. - Okay. - So I'll be Frank. You be Joe.

203. 'Cause Frank was kind of the leader, and that makes a little more sense.

204. - Didn't Frank have the blond hair? - Yeah, but...

205. So I should be Frank 'cause I have lighter...

206. The hair color doesn't matter. It's about who's making the plans.

207. If we're gonna play Frank and Joe Hardy...

208. But I'm the leader clearly in this partnership!

209. - Why are we talking about this? - We have a lot of work to do.

210. - What's the first step? - I'm the leader. Great. Let's roll.

211. Wait, no. We can't go. What are you doing?

212. We gotta open up the bar.

213. Or we could call your sister to do her job,

214. that is, if she's not having sex with Colin

215. and every other bartender in Philadelphia.

216. - Don't do that. It's gross. - We need to jump on this.

217. - Let's go do some investigating. - All right.

218. - Wait a second. - What?

219. Holy shit! I know who stole our safe.

220. - You do? - Yeah. Let's go get that gun.

221. Yeah, let's get the gun. Wait. Bag...

222. - I'm driving. - Okay. No, I'm driving.

223. I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid.

224. Whatever Charlie's doing now, it's probably pretty stupid.

225. Let's just hope nobody got hurt.

226. - Yo. - Hey, dude.

227. - Hey, guys. - Can we get that gun?

228. Oh. Why?

229. First of all, we shouldn't have to tell you why.

230. We bought it. It's ours. But if you must know,

231. t's because we know who knocked over the bar.

232. - Really? - Yeah.

233. - Can we get the gun? - Why?

234. Because we know who... You know what, dude? Move.

235. This place is a shit-hole, Charlie. It smells.

236. So, don't you wanna know who did it?

237. - Yeah. Who was it? - Colin.

238. Yeah. Think about it. It all makes sense.

239. Colin goes around town with every hot bartender chick, right?

240. He woos them with his charm and his good looks.

241. He finds out where the safes are. He finds out how to get in.

242. You remember when Sweet Dee said that he was laughing

243. about how small the safe was?

244. You saw how quickly he changed the subject

245. when she brought that safe up. - Right. So what's the plan?

246. I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants.

247. I know that game. (chuckles)

248. - So why don't you go get it? - Go get the gun!

249. All right. Here. Do you want it? (sighs)

250. Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now?

251. No. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar?

252. Okay.

253. Why don't you take the night off? You deserve it.

254. You're welcome. Bye.

255. - You ready? - Ready, Freddy.

256. It goes... Stick it back in...

257. What a penis! - Like you wouldn't do such a thing?

258. - Come on. Let's nail this prick. - Wait. Hold on a second.

259. - Didn't Fingers already get robbed? - Yeah.

260. So what's this guy doing, going in for round two?

261. - I don't know. Can we do this? - Wait. Hold on.

262. Do you think he'd be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?

263. - Yeah, I do. - Me, too.

264. All right, change of plans. Leave the gun.

265. I'm gonna get this asshole to hit Paddy's again.

266. Follow my lead. I'm the leader.

267. - Hey, Colin! - Colin!

268. - What are you doing here? - Hey, fellas.

269. - Didn't expect to see you here. - Yeah. Actually, I was leaving.

270. - Leaving? - Having a little drink?

271. - Couple drinks? - Yeah. Just a little drink.

272. What's up, man? You seem like the cat who ate the canary.

273. (nervous chuckle) No, I didn't expect to see you guys here.

274. - Why? - I thought you'd be at Paddy's.

275. Paddy's, no. We actually closed up shop for the night.

276. Yeah. Thought we'd get wasted here instead.

277. Just a little freaked out about the robbery.

278. But, actually, funny story.

279. Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.

280. We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.

281. So the stupid asshole didn't even think to look there, right?

282. - What a cock! - What an idiot!

283. - What a total idiot, right? - Boner, really.

284. - Schmuck. - Stupid idiot.

285. Yeah, so as soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set.

286. So we're just probably gonna hop in here...

287. - Grab a couple drinks here tonight. - Yeah, get wasted. Pass out.

288. Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses.

289. - Right, Colin? - Yeah, totally. Yeah.

290. All right, don't wanna keep you. We'll see you later.

291. - You look spiffy, bro. - Yeah, you look good.

292. - Maybe you guys should get a gun. - What?

293. Dee was saying that you were thinking about getting a gun.

294. I think it's a good idea. Good protection. I...

295. I keep one on me all the time.

296. I don't know. Think about it.

297. - Absolutely. - Enjoy your drinky.

298. We will. See you later. Have a good night, bro.

299. - He's got a gun at all times. - From now on, so will we.

300. Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there.

301. There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's again tonight.

302. - He'd have to be a moron. - He is a moron. He'll be there.

303. Hey, Dee. Yeah, listen. There's a change of plans.

304. I need you to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all.

305. Something you need to see.

306. - Why did you bring me into this? - You'll see.

307. Did you turn off the circuit breaker?

308. We're all set. Check.

309. (cocking gun) What the hell was that?

310. - Did you just cock back the hammer? - No.

311. - You guys have a gun? - We're not shooting anybody.

312. - I know. - You're not shooting anyone!

313. - I don't want to shoot anyone! - You better not shoot anybody.

314. - I don't have... - I should be holding the gun.

315. - I put this whole thing together. - I shot the log way more times!

316. - This is so bad. - I'm the one who has better aim!

317. (door opening) What? Is he here?

318. There he is. Okay. What's he doing?

319. He's walking toward the cash register.

320. - He looks shady. - Yeah. That's him.

321. (tapping keys on register) That's it. Do the flashlight.

322. (flashlight drops) Turn the flashlight on!

323. - I can't reach it! - No! He's getting away!

324. - Shoot him! - What?

325. - Shoot him in his face! - Shit!

326. (shouting) Shit!

327. - Did you get him? I'm shot!

328. - Charlie? My God! My God!

329. Turn on the circuit breaker!

330. - Did you shoot me, Dennis? - No, I...

331. - Why did you shoot me? - My God! Dude, are you okay?

332. - Where are you shot? - In my head!

333. What? My God! I shot you in your head. I'm so sorry.

334. - Is he okay? - No! He shot me in my head!

335. - It must have just grazed his head. - You shot him in the head, bro!

336. If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead, Mac.

337. It really hurts! I gotta go to a hospital!

338. All right, man. I'll call an ambulance.

339. The hospital's three blocks away. We should just drive him!

340. I know that. But I don't wanna get blood stains all over my car.

341. Are you serious? (Charlie shouting)

342. All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God!

343. Get a trash bag. We'll put it over him.

344. - I can't believe you shot Charlie. - Don't start this again!

345. - You almost killed our best friend. - You told me to shoot Charlie!

346. You guys told me to shoot Charlie.

347. The minute the shit hits the fan,

348. you guys are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!"

349. You told me to shoot him in the face!

350. I didn't say that!

351. Hey, there he is. How you feeling, buddy?

352. You shot me, dude.

353. You were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.

354. I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me.

355. If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us?

356. - Yeah, man. - I had it all worked out.

357. I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies.

358. Then we would collect some insurance money and...

359. Wow, dude. That's really just goddamn ridiculous.

360. - That is so dumb. - I thought it was the best idea.

361. No, it's not at all. But you know what?

362. Listen. The important thing is that you are all right.

363. We decided we need to get rid of that gun.

364. Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

365. You could've been killed. Dennis could've killed you.

366. Good. Yes. I think that would be for the best.

367. - Dee, could you get me a nurse? - Yeah, sure.

368. Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.

369. - No way! - Never.

370. Sweet.

371. No, he's fine. It turns out it just kind of grazed his head.

372. That's great news, babe.

373. Thank you so much for calling. You are so sweet, Colin.

374. I guess I'm just a sweet guy.

375. - Well, I'll see you tomorrow? - You will.

376. - Okay. Good night. - Dream of me.

377. Idiots.