1. No, dude.
It's not, it's not a question
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2. of individual style.
It's about having some taste.
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3. You're attacking my ability
to express myself, dude.
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4. How am I attacking your ability
to... I just don't get it.
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5. What's not to get?
"Come to Philly for the crack".
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6. It has a picture of the Liberty Bell
on it. It's funny and original.
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7. It's not fun... How is it
funny and original?
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8. Every asshole on South Street
is wearing a t-shirt
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9. with an ironic slogan on it.
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10. Well, excuse me if all my t-shirts
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11. don't have a little guy
playing polo on the lapel.
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12. You cut the sleeves off
of all your t-shirts.
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13. What, so you can show off your tats?
Those are really original, dude.
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14. - They're tribal.
- Oh, they're trib...
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15. I'm sorry. What tribe are you from?
What? Is it an Indian tribe or?
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16. - Are you gonna let me in this game?
- No. You're the ref.
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17. I don't want to ref anymore.
I'd like to play, so...
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18. - You're an excellent ref, Charlie.
- You're a very good ref.
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19. Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref.
I'd like to play the game now.
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20. Are you gonna get mad? You gonna
turn into the Mad Munchkin?
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21. Do you represent
the Lollipop Guild, Charlie?
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22. - Do you?
Hey, Charlie.
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23. - Oh, okay. This is what we do?
- I need to talk to you.
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24. Nobody wants to hear that.
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25. So, wait,
she's sayin' this is your son?
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26. I don't know. Sounds like
a bunch of bullshit to me, Charlie.
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27. I know! I know. There's, like,
no way that this is possible.
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28. Well, did you have
sex with her?
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29. - Yeah.
- Okay. Did you use birth control?
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30. Oh, Dee, we went
to Catholic school, so...
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31. Okay. So you're allowed
to have premarital sex
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32. but you're not allowed
to use birth control?
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33. No. All right. You're twisting words
here and, like, gettin' cute.
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34. When did she have this kid?
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35. It's been, like, 10 years
since I've even seen her.
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36. - Ten years?
- What does she want?
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37. Well, that's the weird thing.
She doesn't want money
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38. or anything like that.
She just wants me to meet him.
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39. - Are you gonna do it?
- No.
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40. Well, dude, you gotta meet the kid.
I mean, you gotta find out for sure.
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41. Yeah, I guess. It's just...
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42. I wish I could go back in time
and do the right thing, you know?
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43. - Like be there for him?
- No. Get her an abortion.
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44. So you're not allowed
to use birth control,
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45. but abortions are no problem?
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46. Okay. So, now you're, like,
a word genius,
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47. and everything I say, you twist
it around and make me look dumb.
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48. Charlie's right, though.
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49. He should have at least
had a say in the matter.
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50. Well, it's her body,
and it's her decision.
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51. No, I'm sorry. It's not just her
decision. The man should get a vote.
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52. - Well, ultimately it's her choice.
- It is not just her choice.
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53. It's nobody's choice.
It should be left up to God.
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54. Is he... Is that...
Are you joking?
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55. No, it's not a joke! You remember
Genesis, book two, verse three?
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56. "And he breathed
into the nostrils of Adam
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57. "on the first day.
And it was good."
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58. Right in his nostrils, huh?
Sounds really uncomfortable.
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59. You're making an asshole
out of yourself.
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60. Dude, you need
to get a blood test, okay?
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61. I remember Stacy Corvelli.
She was a slut.
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62. You're right. Uh, Mac, what's God's
stance on blood tests?
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63. Hmm. I don't know.
I'd have to check.
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64. All right, you feeling good?
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65. No. I feel nauseous.
I think I'm gonna go.
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66. - I'm gonna run.
- No, no, no. It's...
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67. - I should go.
- Hi. Hey, Charlie.
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68. - Hi.
- You brought your, uh...
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69. Dennis Reynolds. We didn't
get a chance to talk before,
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70. but I remember you. Yeah.
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71. - You went to St. Giles?
- I did. Yeah. With... Yeah.
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72. So you two are together now, or...
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73. - No.
- No. No.
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74. - I'm just here for moral support.
- We're not... That's not even...
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75. - I brought him along.
- Yeah.
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76. All right. Come on in.
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77. I'm real glad you decided
to do this, Charlie.
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78. Yeah. Well, uh, you know,
it's the least I could do, so.
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79. Yeah. Sorry I don't have a lot
of time. I gotta get to work.
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80. Uh, Tommy,
come on in here, son!
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81. What do you want, Mom?
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82. He's a bit of a handful.
Uh, Charlie and his friend are here.
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83. So goddamn what?
- Tommy, come in here, please!
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84. - This is bullshit.
- Whoa!
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85. Language, please.
- Hey.
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86. Which one of you fags
is supposed to be my dad?
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87. - Whoa, hello. Right off the bat...
- Yeah.
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88. Tommy, be nice. Huh?
This is Charlie.
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89. Are you serious? This is the guy?
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90. What's that supposed
to mean, buddy?
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91. Well, I should be home around 8:00.
Uh, what do you guys have planned?
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92. - Uh, I thought we'd go to the park.
- Huh. That sounds nice.
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93. - Wanna go to the park, Tommy?
- I don't care.
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94. Okay. That's great. Bye, sweetie.
Have fun, boys.
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95. I'm not goin' to the park.
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96. No shit.
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97. What is this place?
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98. This is a place where we're gonna
go see a special friend of mine.
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99. Why?
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100. 'Cause he's gonna help us
figure something very important out.
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101. - It's gonna be good to know.
- Why?
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102. Because I said so. No more
questions, okay, buddy?
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103. - Why?
- Stop saying "why".
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104. - Why?
- Stop it. I don't like this game.
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105. - Why?
- Is this a game?
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106. - Is this your game?
- Why? Why?
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107. Hey, pretty boy.
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108. What you here for?
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109. My friend's gettin'...
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110. a blood test.
- Your boyfriend?
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111. No. He's not my...
He's not my boyfriend.
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112. - He got AIDS?
- I don't... I don't think so.
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113. - Do you?
- No, I don't.
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114. I'll blow you for $10.
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115. Let me consult some of this
free literature they got here
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116. regarding that proposition.
Oh. You know what?
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117. According to this, that's not a good
idea. So I'm gonna have to pass.
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118. But thanks. I appreciate it.
Really nice of you.
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119. - He's playin' mind games, dude.
- I wanna leave.
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120. - Hey, tough.
- What are we doin' here?
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121. Don't answer. It's a trick question.
He tries to get in your head.
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122. - It's a little game he plays.
- No, let me answer the question.
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123. See, we're at a free clinic, Tommy.
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124. Charlie doesn't have health
insurance. See this lady back here?
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125. Take a look. That's what you get
if you don't have health insurance.
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126. - I wanna go to the mall!
- Keep your voice down.
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127. - I wanna go to the mall!
- Keep your voice down.
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128. - I wanna go to the mall!
- Stop yelling.
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129. - I wanna go to the...
- Stop your yelling.
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130. We need to... Ow!
He's biting my hand!
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131. - He's biting my hand!
- Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
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132. Sacred Right. It's
a child, not a choice. Mmm-hmm.
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133. All righty. I'll make sure he gets
the message. Thank you.
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134. - Hi.
- Hi.
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135. So, I was having an argument
with some friends the other day.
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136. And I was wondering if you could
help me out with some information.
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137. Are you interested
in joining our cause?
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138. No, I'm looking for some info on the
Bible, Jesus, that kind of thing.
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139. Well, if you join our
mailing list, the Reverend...
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140. Okay, listen to me. I don't really
wanna join your little freak show.
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141. Just looking for some information.
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142. So if you could point me in the
right direction, that'd be great.
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143. - We have some literature...
- Great. Thank you. Thanks.
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144. on the display back
by the water cooler.
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145. Oh, Mama.
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146. - Hey, there.
- Hi.
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147. Oh, are you here
to sign up for the rally?
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148. Yes, I am. Yeah, real excited
about the rally.
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149. - We're gonna kick ass this time.
- I'm ready to kick somebody's ass.
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150. I'll tell you what.
I hate those bastards.
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151. Wow! That's...
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152. - Uh, hate's a very strong word.
- Yeah.
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153. Yeah, well, let me
tell you something, Megan.
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154. I hate dead baby fetuses,
you know?
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155. I hate them because they're dead,
and they shouldn't be.
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156. They should be alive,
and they should be loved.
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157. Oh! Wow! You just...
You seem really passionate.
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158. Yeah. More than you know.
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159. - Nice kid, Charlie.
- What the hell
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160. do you think is wrong with that kid?
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161. You've gotta get
that blood test, dude.
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162. - Die! Die! Die!
- No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No!
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163. No! No! No!
Give me the stick!
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164. Come on! This place sucks!
I wanna go to the mall!
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165. We can't go to the mall, all right?
Shut up! I'm the boss of you!
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166. - You're not the boss of me!
- I am the boss!
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167. I wanna go to the mall!
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168. - I'll show you who's the boss.
- Let's go to the mall!
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169. - You wanna go to the mall?
- I wanna go to the mall!
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170. You could ask nice. Dennis,
let's go. We're goin' to the mall.
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171. I'm not spending anymore
time with that kid.
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172. Come on, dude! Fine. Great.
Dee, Dee.
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173. Will you just... Can we go to
the mall? Will you drive me?
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174. - If Dennis watches the bar.
- That's fine.
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175. Great. Fine. Thank you.
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176. - You're ugly.
- You're ugly.
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177. - You're ugly!
- You are the one that's ugly!
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178. Charlie! Jesus Christ!
Are you almost 30?
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179. - Are you almost 30 years old?
- Yes!
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180. - You have to buy me a toy!
- I don't have to buy you shit.
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181. If you don't buy me anything
I'm gonna tell my mom
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182. you took me
to a black people's hospital.
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183. Wow! Oh my God, that's racist.
What do you say to that?
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184. - I don't say anything.
- You still have to buy me a toy!
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185. Charlie, what in the hell are you
gonna do if this kid's yours?
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186. Oh, I don't know.
I'll probably, uh, kill myself.
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187. Whoa! Isn't that your waitress
from the coffee shop?
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188. - Oh, my God.
- Go talk to her.
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189. - What? No.
- Come on. Go talk to her.
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190. No, dude.
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191. You've been in love
with this girl forever.
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192. I know that.
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193. You know what? Come with me and
pretend that you're my girlfriend.
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194. - No. I won't do that. No, it's not.
- Come on. It's gonna work.
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195. - Come stand next to me then.
- Why?
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196. - So she doesn't think I'm creepy.
- Well, you are creepy.
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197. I realize this.
That's why I need you.
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198. - All right. Let's go.
- Thank you.
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199. Stop sweating.
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200. Then we can grab him
if you like him, okay?
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201. - Hey. Fancy seeing you here.
- Oh. Hello, Charlie.
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202. - Buying toys, are you?
- Yeah.
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203. - Cool. This is my, uh...
- Friend. We're good friends.
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204. - Hi.
- Hi.
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205. - Is that cute little girl your...
- I'm her big sister.
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206. Oh.
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207. Hmm, that's weird.
She looks Mexican.
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208. She is Mexican.
It's the Big Sister program.
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209. She's not my real little sister.
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210. That is such a coincidence.
That's what we're here doing.
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211. - What?
- Yeah. Do you see that, um...
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212. Adorable little guy over there?
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213. That's Charlie's little brother.
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214. Really? No way.
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215. - You're involved in the program?
- Yeah.
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216. Well, that's... I didn't know you
were involved in the program.
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217. - Oh, my God, I love the program!
- It's one of his favorite programs.
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218. - I've been in the program since...
- A long time now.
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219. I guess you're gonna be going to the
picnic, then, at Fairmount Park?
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220. - Right.
- Saturday?
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221. Yeah. Are you there? Are
you goin'? Are you gonna be there?
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222. - I will be there on Saturday, yes.
- Great.
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223. - Maybe we'll see you there.
- Maybe. Or you know what? Or...
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224. - Maybe we could carpool.
- Carpool?
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225. Yeah. Well, think about it.
We'll save the environment.
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226. - We'll team up. It'll be good.
- Smart. Reduce, reuse, recycle.
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227. The kids will love it. The kids...
He loves Mexicans.
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228. All right.
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229. - Sure. Let's do it.
Oh!
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230. Okay. Yeah.
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231. - Great. Nice to meet you.
- Great.
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232. I'll see you.
I gotta go get my little sister.
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233. - Okay, bye.
- Bye.
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234. - Thank you.
- You're still pretty sweaty.
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235. Baby killer! Baby killer!
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236. You bastards are gonna burn in hell!
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237. Abortion is murder!
It's a child, not a choice!
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238. Pro-choice is pro-death!
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239. - Wow! Great rhetoric.
- Thank you.
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240. You're really hard-core, aren't you?
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241. Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you
really wanna see hard-core...
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242. What's this?
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243. That's the list of doctor's
I'm gonna kill.
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244. - There's two already crossed out.
- Yeah, I know.
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245. - You really had a good time, huh?
- Yeah. We had a blast.
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246. - He didn't give you any problems?
- No. Not a single problem.
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247. Listen, I was thinking maybe I
could take him out this Saturday?
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248. - Really?
- Sure. I'd pick him up at 8:00?
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249. You know,
do the father-son thing.
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250. You all right? That's gonna be okay?
Because I could really use him.
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251. - Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry.
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252. I can't do this!
Tommy's not your son.
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253. What?
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254. Remember Jimmy Doyle
from high school?
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255. That son of a bitch is Tommy's real
father. He left me six months ago.
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256. You know what a nightmare
it's been since he left?
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257. - I can't raise Tommy alone.
- I don't care! I don't care!
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258. So you thought you'd just
pawn your son off on me?
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259. What could I do? I wanted a better
role model than that piece of shit.
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260. Stop talking!
Wait. Let me think.
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261. God!
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262. All right. So can I still
take him out on Saturday?
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263. - Yeah.
- Great.
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264. - That's pretty thin.
Hey-oh!
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265. - Hey.
- Mac, where you been?
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266. I don't know. Saving humanity.
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267. - Are you still on this kick, dude?
- Yeah, you know, Den, I was...
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268. Thinking what you were
saying the other day,
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269. about the t-shirts with
the stupid slogans on them.
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270. And I was wondering
what you think about this?
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271. Huh, bitch? Yeah!
Is that stupid enough for you?
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272. You're not seriously wearing that,
are you? You look ridiculous.
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273. - Whatever, dude.
- You know?
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274. That's the problem
with you anti-abortionists.
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275. You cry about the sanctity of life,
and then you wear a shirt like that.
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276. I'm not listening to you.
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277. Aren't you right-wingers all
about the death penalty too?
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278. - Doesn't involve killing somebody?
- Right, right, right.
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279. And you liberals are
against killing murderers.
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280. - But for killing innocent babies.
- Yeah. We like to kill babies.
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281. You guys are taking this
way too seriously.
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282. Den, you don't understand
the week I've been having.
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283. I met a girl at one of these
organizations who is a freak.
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284. She is the dirtiest chick
I've met in my life.
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285. - Seriously?
- Yeah.
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286. You gotta come with me
to one of these rallies.
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287. They're having another on Saturday.
These chicks are everywhere.
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288. - I can jump on board with that.
- Yeah!
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289. Are you actually gonna throw
away all your convictions
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290. for a chance to get laid?
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291. I don't really have any convictions.
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292. - Where is this rally being held?
- Uh...
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293. Planned Parenthood,
Bryn Mawr Medical Center.
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294. I'm gonna go. At least one pro-
- choice voice is gonna be heard.
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295. One? There was, like, tons
of those chicks at the last one.
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296. - Which side had more?
- Oh, which one do you think?
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297. The one that cares about
protecting women's bodies
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298. or the one that's run
by the religious right?
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299. Probably the side you're goin' to.
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300. I'm gonna fight for
the right to choose.
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301. You're a scumbag, Dennis.
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302. - Today's a big day for me, Tommy.
- Why?
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303. Well, today is
probably the best chance
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304. I'm ever gonna have
of hooking up with this girl, so...
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305. Look at me for a second, pal.
Okay, do me a favor.
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306. If you're good today, I'm gonna
buy you anything that you want,
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307. anything in the world, all right?
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308. Oh, my God!
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309. I will smash your face into a...
Into a jelly!
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310. Wrong key.
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311. Keep abortion legal!
Keep abortion legal!
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312. Stop abortion now!
Stop abortion now!
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313. - This is crazy.
- Yeah, weird.
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314. People actually care about women's
bodies. You believe that?
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315. Yeah. I think Mac picked the wrong
side. There's, like, no dudes here.
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316. Gross.
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317. You know what?
Uh, give me a second here.
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318. - Hi.
- Hi.
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319. I like your look.
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320. - Excuse me?
- I like the whole hippie thing.
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321. It really works for you.
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322. Get lost, breeder.
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323. Oh, okay.
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324. Yeah. Mmm.
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325. I love the smell of protest
in the morning.
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326. What?
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327. I was quoting that movie,
you know, "Apocalypse Now".
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328. - "Napalm in the morning."
- Is that the new Mel Gibson movie?
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329. - No.
- You saw "Passion of the Christ"?
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330. I saw it 12 times.
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331. Okay.
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332. You know, you really shouldn't joke
about the apocalypse.
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333. So just fill these out. You'll get
your information in the mail.
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334. Thanks.
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335. "Keep your laws..."
I like your t-shirt.
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336. - Thanks.
- Yeah. Where do I sign?
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337. - Right here.
- Love t-shirts like that.
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338. Right.
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339. So, do you come to these
kind of things often, or...
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340. Are you hitting on me
at an abortion rally?
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341. Yeah, I...
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342. You know what? I think
all these chicks are gay.
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343. Yeah, I don't know
that they're gay.
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344. I think they can just
smell how disgusting you are.
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345. That sucks for me.
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346. - Yell-o.
- Hey, Mac. It's Dennis.
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347. Look, man, there's no talent over
here. What's the deal over there?
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348. Oh, yeah. We're lookin'
real good over here, bro.
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349. - What do you think?
- Hop the fence and come over.
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350. - All right. See you in a second.
- Later, gator.
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351. All right, Megan. I'm finished.
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352. You are a genius.
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353. Hey, sis. I'm gonna jet.
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354. - You're leaving?
- Uh, this side sucks.
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355. I'm gonna try my luck over there.
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356. - Are you kidding me?
- Later, tater.
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357. Dennis? You are such a jackass!
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358. Excuse me. Excuse me.
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359. Can I get by here? Thanks.
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360. I just... I really love that sign.
I've wondered that so many times.
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361. Hey, there's a guy on the fence.
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362. Hey! Hey!
They're coming after us!
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363. - No. They're not coming after us.
- I'll show you what we do to them.
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364. - How's your aim?
- Pretty good.
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365. - I don't think that's a good idea.
- Hey, it's okay.
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366. These people deserve this.
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367. Yeah. He looks like he deserves it.
Maybe just one.
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368. Oh! Ow!
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369. Yeah! Come on!
Get your eggs, people!
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370. Oh, my God!
Shit! They're throwing eggs!
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371. They did this last time.
I came prepared.
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372. Oh. Hey, Dennis!
How's the action over there, buddy?
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373. What the hell are you doing?
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374. Oh! They're coming...
Okay, now they're coming back.
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375. - Die!
- Hey!
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376. Hot chicks on that side, Dennis?
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377. You're gonna burn in hell!
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378. Stop! Stop! Stop!
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379. Hey, guess what.
I have a surprise for you.
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380. - What?
- It's a real miracle.
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381. - What is it?
- I'm pregnant!
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382. What?
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383. I'm pregnant!
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384. You gotta get an abortion.
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385. - Megan, wait, wait, wait!
- Stop talking to me!
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386. Well, listen, I just think
our situation is different.
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387. How is our situation different?
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388. Well, because I didn't
mean to get you pregnant.
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389. - It was an accident.
- You are so pathetic.
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390. Listen, you can't have
this kid, okay?
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391. - I'm way too young and I have...
- Save it! I'm not pregnant!
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392. - What?
- I'm not pregnant. It was a test.
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393. I just thought for, like, one second
that you might be the one.
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394. I just had to know for sure.
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395. Wait a second!
So you're not pregnant?
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396. - No.
- And this was a test?
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397. - Yeah.
- And I failed?
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398. - Have a nice life, asshole.
- No! Wait, wait a second! Oh.
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399. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!
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400. Where the hell have you been?
You said 11:30, dude!
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401. - I don't wanna talk about it.
- That waitress is picking me up.
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402. I was ready
to shut down the whole bar!
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403. What the hell
is that kid doin' here?
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404. I'm taking him
to the Big Brother Big Sister thing.
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405. - Get him out of here, Charlie.
- I'm getting picked up any minute!
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406. - Will you relax?
- I told you.
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407. - I don't want kids in the bar!
- Dude, what is up your ass?
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408. You, you are out! Whoa, dude!
This kid reeks of booze!
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409. No, no, no, no, no.
Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.
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410. - Yeah
- How could you let this happen?
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411. I was the only one bartending!
He took sips out of people's beers.
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412. - All right. Brew some coffee.
- You can't give him coffee!
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413. - Let go of that!
- Get him out of here, Charlie!
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414. Charlie!
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415. Okay, here we go!
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416. Fresh air! Have a seat!
Sit down!
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417. - You suck!
- You suck, all right?
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418. - Breathe it in. Fresh air now.
- You suck!
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419. - And you have an ugly face!
- You suck! You have an ugly face.
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420. You try and push people's
buttons all the time!
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421. And you get in their head,
and you drive them crazy!
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422. Maybe that's why you don't
have a dad anymore!
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423. Oh, my God!
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424. - What are you doing?
- I'm drunk.
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425. - He's drunk?
- He's not drunk.
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426. - I am drunk!
- You're not drunk.
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427. - He sounds drunk.
- I am drunk!
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428. You're not drunk!
Stop saying that!
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429. He's fine.
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430. Jimmy Doyle!
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431. - Yeah?
- Charlie Kelly.
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432. - Yeah?
- From high school.
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433. Oh, yeah. I didn't recognize you
without all your acne.
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434. All right, listen, I need
to talk to you about your kid.
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435. - Why?
- Uh, let's see.
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436. Because your kid has
serious emotional problems.
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437. - Why?
- You're not there as a father.
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438. Why?
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439. You're kidding me?
This your little game?
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440. This is what you're doin'?
This is what you're doin' to me?
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441. Why?
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