1. No, dude.
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2. It's not... it's not
a question of individual style.
It's about having some taste.
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3. You're attacking my ability
to express myself, dude.
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4. How am I attacking
your ability to...
I just don't get it.
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5. What's not to get?
"Come to Philly for the crack."
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6. It has a picture
of the Liberty bell on it.
Yeah, but...
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7. - it's funny and original.
- It's not fun... how is it
funny and original?
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8. Every asshole on south street's
wearing a t-shirt with
an ironic slogan on it.
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9. Well, excuse me if all my
t-shirts don't have a little guy
playing Polo on the lapel.
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10. You cut the sleeves off
of all your t-shirts.
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11. What, so you can
show off your tats?
Those are really original, dude.
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12. - They're tribal.
- Oh, they're trib... I'm sorry.
What tribe are you from?
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13. What? Is it, like,
an Indian tribe or...
okay, okay, okay.
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14. You guys gonna let me
in this game or what?
No. You're the ref.
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15. I don't want to ref anymore.
I'd like to play, so...
you're an excellent ref.
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16. You're a very good ref.
Yeah, I know. I'm a great ref.
I'd like to play the game now.
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17. Are you gonna get mad? You gonna
turn into the mad munchkin?
What's the ma...
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18. Do you represent
the lollipop guild, Charlie?
Do you?
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19. Hey, Charlie.
♪ are you the mad munchkin
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20. that's a mad munchkin dance?
Oh, okay. This is what we do?
I need to talk to you.
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21. it's about our son!
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22. Nobody wants to hear that.
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23. So, wait,
she's sayin' this is your son?
I don't know.
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24. Sounds like a bunch of
bullshit to me, Charlie.
I know!
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25. I know it.
There's, like, no way
that this is possible.
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26. Well, did you have
sex with her?
Yeah.
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27. Okay. Did you use
birth control?
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28. Oh, Dee, we went
to catholic school, so...
okay. You're allowed...
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29. To have premarital sex,
but you're not allowed
to use birth control?
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30. No. All right.
You're twisting words here
and, like, gettin' cute.
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31. When did she have this kid?
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32. It's been, like, 10 years
since I've even seen her, so...
ten years?
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33. What does she want?
Well, that's...
that's the weird thing.
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34. She doesn't
want money or anything.
She just wants me to meet him.
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35. Are you gonna do it?
No.
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36. Well, dude, you gotta
meet the kid. I mean,
you gotta find out for sure.
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37. Yeah, I guess.
It's just...
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38. I mean, I wish
I could go back in time and
do the right thing, you know?
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39. - Like be there for him?
- No. Get her an abortion.
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40. So you're not allowed
to use birth control,
but abortions are no problem?
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41. All right. Okay.
So now you're, like,
a word genius.
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42. And everything I say,
you twist it around
and make me look dumb.
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43. Charlie's right though.
He should have at least
had a say in the matter.
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44. It's her body,
and it's her decision.
No, I'm sorry.
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45. It's not just her decision.
The man should get a vote.
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46. - Okay. Well, ultimately
it's her choice.
- It is not just her choice.
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47. It's nobody's choice.
It should be left up to god.
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48. Is he... is that...
Are you joking?
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49. No, it's not a joke!
You remember Genesis,
book two, verse three?
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50. "And he breathed into the
nostrils of Adam on the first
day. And it was good."
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51. Right in his nostrils, huh?
Sounds really uncomfortable.
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52. You're making an asshole
out of yourself. Dude, you need
to get a blood test, okay?
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53. I remember Stacy corvelli.
She was a slut.
You're right. You're right.
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54. Uh, Mac, what's god's
stance on blood tests?
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55. Hmm. I don't know.
I'd have to check.
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56. All right,
you feeling good?
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57. No. I feel nauseous.
I think I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna run.
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58. No, no, no. It's...
I should go.
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59. Hi. Hey, Charlie.
Hi.
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60. Hey.
You brought your, uh...
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61. Uh, Dennis Reynolds. We didn't
get a chance to talk before,
but I remember you. Yeah.
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62. You went to St. giles?
I did. Yeah.
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63. Ah.
With... yeah.
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64. So you two are
together now, or...
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65. No.
No. No.
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66. No. I'm just here
for moral support.
Yeah, we're not...
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67. That's not even a...
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68. I brought him along.
Yeah.
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69. So...
all right.
Come on in.
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70. I'm real glad you decided
to do this, Charlie.
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71. Yeah. Well, uh, you know,
it's the least I could do, so...
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72. Yeah. Sorry I don't
have a lot of time.
I gotta get to work.
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73. Uh, Tommy, come on in here, son!
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74. What do you want, mom?
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75. He's a bit of a handful.
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76. Uh, Charlie and his friend
are here.
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77. So goddamn what?
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78. Tommy, come in here, please!
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79. This is bullshit.
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80. Whoa!
Language, please.
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81. - Which one of you fags
is supposed to be my dad?
- Whoa, hello.
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82. Right off the bat
with the...
yeah.
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83. Tommy, be nice. Huh?
This is Charlie.
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84. Are you serious?
This is the guy?
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85. What's that...
what's that supposed
to mean, buddy?
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86. Okay. Well, I should be
home around 8:00. Uh, what do
you guys have planned?
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87. - Uh, I thought we'd
go to the park.
- Huh. That sounds nice.
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88. Wanna go
to the park, Tommy?
I don't care.
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89. Okay. That's great.
Bye, sweetie.
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90. Have fun, boys.
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91. I'm not goin' to the park.
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92. No shit.
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93. What is this place?
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94. Uh, this is a place
where we're gonna go see
a special friend of mine.
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95. Why?
'Cause he's gonna help us figure
something very important out.
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96. It's gonna be
good to know.
Why?
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97. Because I said so. No more
questions, okay, buddy?
Why?
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98. Stop saying "why."
Why?
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99. Stop it.
I don't like this game.
Why? Why?
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100. Is this a game?
This is your game?
Why? Why?
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101. Hey, pretty boy.
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102. What you here for?
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103. My friend's gettin'
a... blood test.
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104. Your boyfriend?
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105. No. He's not my...
He's not my boyfriend.
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106. He got aids?
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107. I don't...
I don't think so.
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108. Do you?
No, I don't.
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109. I'll blow you for $10.
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110. You know what?
Let me consult some
of this free literature...
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111. They got here
regarding that proposition.
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112. Oh. You know what?
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113. According to this,
that's not really a good idea.
So I'm gonna have to pass.
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114. But thanks. I appreciate it.
Really nice of you.
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115. He's playin'
mind games, dude.
I wanna leave.
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116. Hey, it's tough.
What are we doin' here?
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117. Don't answer that.
It's a trick question.
He tries to get in your head.
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118. It's a little game he plays.
No, let... let me
answer the question.
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119. See, we're at a free clinic,
Tommy. Charlie doesn't have
health insurance.
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120. See this lady back here?
Take a look.
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121. That's what you get
when you don't have
health insurance.
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122. I wanna go to the mall!
Keep your voice down.
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123. I wanna go to the mall!
Keep your voice...
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124. I wanna go to the mall!
Stop yelling...
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125. I wanna go to the...
stop your yelling.
We need to... ow!
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126. He's biting my hand!
He's biting my hand!
Come on.
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127. Let's go. Let's go.
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128. Sacred right.
It's a child, not a choice.
Mm-hmm.
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129. All righty.
I'll make sure he gets
the message. Thank you.
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130. Hi.
Hi.
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131. So I was having an argument with
some friends the other day.
Uh-huh.
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132. And I was wondering
if you could help me out
with some information.
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133. Are you interested
in joining our cause?
No.
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134. No. Actually, just looking
for some info on the Bible,
Jesus, that kind of thing.
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135. Well, if you join our
mailing list, the reverend...
okay, listen to me.
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136. I don't really wanna join
your little freak show. Just
looking for some information.
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137. So if you could point me
in the right direction,
that'd be great.
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138. Well, we have some
literature...
great. Thank you. Thanks.
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139. On the display back
by the water cooler.
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140. Oh, mama.
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141. Hey, there.
Hi.
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142. Hey.
Oh, are you here
to sign up for the rally?
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143. Yes, I am.
Great.
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144. Yeah, real excited
about the rally.
We're gonna kick ass this time.
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145. Well, I'm ready to kick
somebody's ass, I'll tell you
what. I hate those bastards.
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146. Wow! That's...
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147. Uh, hate's a very strong word.
Yeah.
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148. Yeah, well, let me
tell you something, Megan.
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149. I hate dead baby fetuses,
you know?
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150. I hate them
because they're dead,
and they shouldn't be.
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151. They should be alive,
and they should be loved.
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152. Oh! Wow!
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153. You just...
you seem really passionate.
Yeah.
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154. More than you know.
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155. Nice kid, Charlie.
What the hell do you
think is wrong with that kid?
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156. You've gotta get
that blood test, dude.
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157. - Die! Die! Die!
- No! Hey! Whoa, Tommy! No!
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158. No! No! No!
Give me the stick!
Give me the stick!
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159. Come on! This place sucks!
I wanna go to the mall!
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160. We can't go to the mall,
all right?
Shut up! I'm the boss of you!
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161. You're not the boss of me!
I am the boss!
I wanna go to the mall!
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162. I'll show you
who's the boss of who.
Let's go to the mall!
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163. You wanna go to the mall?
I wanna go to the mall!
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164. You could ask nice.
Dennis, let's go.
We're goin' to the mall.
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165. - I'm not spending any more
time with that kid.
- Come on, dude! Fine. Great.
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166. Dee... Dee, will you just...
can we go to the mall?
Will you drive me?
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167. I guess, if Dennis
watches the bar.
That's fine.
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168. Great. Fine. Thank you.
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169. You're ugly.
You're ugly.
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170. You're ugly!
You are the one
that's ugly!
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171. Charlie! Jesus Christ!
Are you almost 30?
Are you almost 30 years old?
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172. Yes!
You have to
buy me a toy!
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173. I don't have to
buy you shit.
If you don't buy me anything,
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174. I'm gonna
tell my mom you took me
to a black people's house.
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175. Okay.
Wow! Oh, my god, that's racist.
What do you say to that?
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176. I don't say anything.
You still have to buy me a toy!
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177. Charlie, what in the hell
are you gonna do
if this kid's yours?
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178. Oh, I don't know.
I'll probably, uh, kill myself.
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179. Whoa!
Isn't that your waitress
from the coffee shop?
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180. Cool. Stewie.
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181. Oh, my god.
Go talk to her.
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182. What? No.
Come on.
Go talk to her.
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183. No, dude.
You've been in love
with this girl forever.
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184. I know that. You know what?
Come with me and pretend
you're my girlfriend.
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185. It'll make her jealous.
No. I won't do that.
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186. Come on.
It's gonna work.
No. No, it's not.
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187. All right. Come stand
next to me then.
Why?
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188. So she doesn't think
I'm creepy.
Well, you are creepy.
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189. I realize this.
That's why I need you.
All right. Let's go.
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190. Thank you.
Stop sweating.
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191. Then we can grab him
if you like him, okay?
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192. Hey.
Fancy seeing you here.
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193. Oh. Hello, Charlie.
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194. Buying toys, are you?
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195. Yeah.
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196. Cool. This is my, uh...
Friend. We're good friends.
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197. Hi.
Hi.
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198. - Is that cute little
girl your...
- I'm her big sister.
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199. Oh.
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200. Hmm, that's weird.
She looks Mexican.
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201. She is Mexican.
It's the big sister program.
She's not my real little sister.
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202. That is such a coincidence.
That's exactly what
we're here doing.
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203. What?
Yeah.
Do you see that, um,
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204. adorable little guy
over there?
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205. That's Charlie's little brother.
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206. Really?
Mm-hmm.
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207. - Yeah.
- No way. You're involved
in the program?
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208. Yeah!
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209. Well, that's...
I didn't know you were
involved in the program.
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210. I love the program!
It's one of
his favorite programs.
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211. Yeah. I've... I've been
in the program since...
a long time now.
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212. I guess you're gonna
be going to the picnic then
at fairmount park.
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213. Right.
Saturday?
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214. Saturday.
Yeah. Are you there? Are you
goin'? Are you gonna be there?
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215. I will be there
on Saturday, yes.
Great.
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216. Maybe we'll see you there.
Maybe.
Or you know what?
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217. Or... maybe we could carpool.
You know what I mean?
Carpool?
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218. Yeah. Well, come on.
Think about it.
We'll save the environment.
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219. We'll team up. It'll be good.
This is smart.
Reduce, reuse, recycle.
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220. You should do it.
The kids will love it.
The kids...
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221. He loves Mexicans.
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222. All right.
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223. Sure. Let's do it.
Oh!
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224. Okay. Yeah.
Great.
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225. Great. Okay, well...
nice to meet you too.
I'll see you.
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226. I gotta go get
my little sister. Okay, bye.
Bye.
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227. Thank you.
You're still
pretty sweaty.
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228. Baby killer! Baby killer!
Baby killer!
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229. You bastards
are gonna burn in hell!
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230. Abortion is murder!
It's a child, not a choice!
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231. Pro-choice is pro-death!
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232. Wow! Great rhetoric.
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233. Thank you.
Hey, you're really
hard-core, aren't you?
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234. Oh, well, you know.
I mean, if you really
wanna see hard-core...
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235. What's this?
That's the list of doctors
I'm gonna kill.
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236. There's two
already crossed out.
Yeah, I know.
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237. So you really
had a good time, huh?
Yeah. We had a blast.
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238. Hmm. He didn't give you
any problems?
No. Not a single problem.
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239. Uh, listen, I was thinking
maybe I could take him out
this Saturday?
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240. Really?
Yeah, sure.
I'd pick him up at, like, 8:00?
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241. You know,
do the father-son thing.
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242. Are you all right?
Is that gonna be okay? Because
I could really use... use him.
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243. Goddamn it!
I'm sorry.
Is everything all right?
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244. I can't do this!
Tommy's not your son.
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245. What?
Remember Jimmy Doyle
from high school?
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246. That son of a bitch
is Tommy's real father.
He left me six months ago.
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247. You know what a nightmare
it's been since he left?
I don't care.
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248. I can't raise Tommy alone.
I don't care! You thought you'd
just pawn your son off on me?
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249. What else? I thought I could
find him a better role model
than that piece of shit!
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250. Stop talking!
Wait. Let me think.
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251. God!
All right. So can I still
take him out on Saturday?
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252. Yeah.
Great.
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253. That's pretty thin.
That might be too thin.
Hey-oh!
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254. Hey, Mac. Where you been?
Oh, I don't know.
Saving humanity.
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255. Are you still
on this kick, dude?
Yeah, you know, den,
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256. I was thinking what you were
saying the other day...
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257. About the t-shirts with
the stupid slogans on them.
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258. And I was wondering
what you think about this?
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259. Huh, bitch? Yeah!
Is that stupid enough for you?
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260. You're not seriously
wearing that, are you?
You look ridiculous.
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261. Whatever, dude.
You know, that's the problem
with you antiabortionists.
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262. You cry about the sanctity
of life, and then you wear
a shirt like that.
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263. - I'm not listening to you.
- Aren't you right-wingers all
about the death penalty too?
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264. - Does that not involve
killing somebody?
- Right, right, right.
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265. And you liberals are
against killing murderers.
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266. But you're for
killing innocent babies.
That's interesting.
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267. - Yeah. We like to kill babies.
- You guys are taking this
way too seriously.
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268. Den, you don't understand
the week I've been having.
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269. I met a girl at one of these
organizations who is a freak.
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270. She is the dirtiest chick
I've met in my life.
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271. Seriously?
Yeah. You gotta come with me
to one of these rallies.
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272. They're having
another one on Saturday.
These chicks are everywhere.
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273. I can jump on board
with that.
Yeah!
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274. Are you actually gonna
throw away all your convictions
for a chance to get laid?
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275. I don't really have
any convictions.
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276. Where is this rally being held?
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277. Uh, planned parenthood,
Bryn mawr medical center.
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278. Well, I'm gonna go.
At least one pro-choice voice
is gonna be heard.
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279. One? There was, like,
tons of those chicks
at the last one.
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280. - Which side had more?
- Oh, which one do you think?
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281. The one that cares about
protecting women's bodies...
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282. Or the one that's run
by the religious right?
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283. Probably the side
you're goin' to.
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284. I'm gonna fight
for the right to choose.
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285. You're a scumbag, Dennis.
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286. Today's a big day
for me, Tommy.
Why?
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287. Well, today is probably the best
chance I'm ever gonna have
of hooking up with this girl.
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288. So, uh, look at me
for a second, pal.
Okay, do me a favor.
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289. If you're good today,
I'm gonna buy you...
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290. Anything that you want,
anything in the world,
all right?
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291. Oh, my god!
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292. I will smash your
face into a... into a jelly!
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293. Wrong key.
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294. Keep abortion legal!
Keep abortion legal!
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295. Stop abortion now!
Stop abortion now!
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296. This is crazy.
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297. Yeah, weird. People actually
care about women's bodies.
You believe that?
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298. Yeah. I think Mac
picked the wrong side.
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299. There's, like,
no dudes here.
Gross.
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300. You know what?
Uh, give me a second here.
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301. Hi.
Hi.
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302. I like your look.
Excuse me?
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303. I like the whole hippie thing.
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304. It really works for you.
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305. Get lost, breeder.
Oh, okay.
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306. Yeah. Mmm.
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307. I love the smell of protest
in the morning.
What?
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308. I was quoting that movie,
you know, apocalypse now.
"Napalm in the morning."
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309. Is that the new
Mel Gibson movie?
No.
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310. Did you see
passion of the Christ?
I saw it 12 times.
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311. Okay.
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312. You know,
you really shouldn't joke
about the apocalypse.
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313. So just fill these out.
We'll get your information
in the mail.
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314. Thanks.
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315. "Keep your laws"...
I like your t-shirt.
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316. Thanks.
Yeah.
Where do I sign?
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317. Right here.
Love t-shirts like that.
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318. Right.
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319. So, do you come to these
kind of things often, or...
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320. Are you hitting on me
at an abortion rally?
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321. Yeah, I...
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322. You know what? I think
all these chicks are gay.
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323. Yeah, I don't know
that they're gay.
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324. I think they can just
smell how disgusting you are.
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325. That sucks for me.
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326. Hello.
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327. Hey, Mac. It's Dennis.
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328. Uh, look, man,
there's no talent over here.
What's the deal over there?
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329. Oh, yeah. We're lookin'
real good over here, bro.
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330. What do you think?
Hop the fence and come over.
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331. All right.
I'll see you in a second.
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332. Later, gator.
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333. All right, Megan.
I'm finished.
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334. You are a genius.
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335. Hey, sis. I'm gonna jet.
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336. You're leaving?
Uh, this side sucks.
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337. I'm gonna try my luck
over there.
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338. Are you kidding me?
Later, tater.
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339. Dennis, you are such a jackass!
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340. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
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341. Yeah. Can I get by here?
Thanks.
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342. I just...
I really love that sign.
I wondered that so many times.
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343. Hey, there's a guy on the fence.
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344. Hey! Hey!
They're coming after us!
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345. No. They're not coming after us.
I'll show you what we
do to them. How's your aim?
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346. Pretty good.
But I don't think
that's such a good idea.
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347. I don't think...
hey, it's okay.
These people deserve this.
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348. Yeah. He looks
like he deserves it.
Maybe just one.
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349. Oh! Ow!
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350. Yeah! Come on!
Get your eggs, people!
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351. Oh, my god!
Ow!
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352. Shit!
They're throwing eggs!
They did this last time.
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353. I came prepared.
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354. Oh. Hey, Dennis!
How's the action
over there, buddy?
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355. - What?
What the hell are you doing?
- Oh! They're coming...
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356. Now they're coming back.
Die!
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357. Hey!
Hot chicks on that side, Dennis?
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358. You're gonna burn in hell!
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359. Stop! Stop! Stop!
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360. Hey, guess what.
I have a surprise for you.
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361. What?
It's a real miracle.
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362. What is it?
I'm pregnant!
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363. What?
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364. I'm pregnant!
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365. You gotta get an abortion.
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366. Megan, wait, wait, wait!
Stop talking to me!
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367. Well, listen, I just think
our situation is different.
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368. How is our situation different?
Well, because I didn't
mean to get you pregnant.
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369. It was an accident.
You are so pathetic.
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370. You can't have this kid. I'm way
too young, and I have a little
bit of an alcohol problem...
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371. Save it!
I'm not pregnant!
What?
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372. I'm not pregnant.
It was a test.
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373. I just thought for, like,
one second that you
might be the one.
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374. I just had to know for sure.
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375. Wait a second!
So you're not pregnant?
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376. No.
And this was a test?
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377. Yeah.
And I failed?
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378. Have a nice life, asshole.
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379. No! Wait... wait...
Wait a second! Wait! Oh.
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380. Son of a bitch!
Son of a bitch!
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381. Where the hell have you been?
You said 11:30, dude!
I don't wanna talk about it.
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382. That waitress is picking me up
any minute! I was ready
to shut down the bar!
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383. - What is that kid doin' here?
- I'm taking him to the
big brother-big sister thing.
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384. Get him out of here, Charlie.
I'm getting picked up
any minute! Will you relax?
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385. I told you, I don't
want kids in the bar!
Dude, what is up your ass?
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386. You... you are out! Whoa, dude!
This kid reeks of booze!
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387. No, no, no, no, no.
Are you drunk? Don't be drunk.
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388. Yeah.
How could you
let this happen?
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389. I was the only one bartending!
He must have been takin' sips
out of people's beers.
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390. All right.
Brew some coffee.
You can't give him coffee!
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391. Let go of that!
Let go of that!
Get him out of here, Charlie!
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392. Charlie!
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393. Okay, here we go!
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394. Fresh air! Have a seat!
Sit down! Fresh air!
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395. You suck!
You suck, all right?
Breathe it in. Fresh air now.
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396. You suck and you have
an ugly face!
You suck!
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397. You have an ugly face, okay?
You try and push people's
buttons all the time!
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398. And you get in their head,
and you drive them crazy!
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399. Maybe that's why you don't
have a dad anymore!
Oh, my god!
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400. - What are you doing?
- I'm drunk.
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401. He's drunk?
He's not drunk.
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402. I am drunk!
You're not drunk.
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403. He sounds drunk.
I am drunk!
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404. You're not drunk!
Stop saying that!
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405. He's fine.
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406. - Jimmy Doyle!
- Yeah?
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407. Charlie Kelly.
Yeah?
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408. From high school.
Oh, yeah.
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409. I didn't recognize you
without all your acne.
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410. Yeah.
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411. All right, listen, I need
to talk to you about your kid.
Why?
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412. Uh, let's see. Because your kid
has serious emotional problems.
Why?
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413. I don't know. Maybe because
you're not there as a father.
Why?
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414. You're kidding me?
This your little game?
Why?
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415. This is what you're doin'? This
is what you're doin' to me?
Why?
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416. Why?
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