It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 16x6

1. That hits.

2. - I am so psyched that we're going back.

3. - Yeah, yes. - Yeah, yeah.

4. You guys, I mean, arcade games, pizza, comedy.

5. - What more do you want in a place? - You can't beat it.

6. The best part about Risk E. Rat's, though,

7. is that they make kids feel like they're the ones in charge.

8. - Yeah... - Totally.

9. Like, that's where I became a man

10. and saw my first set of boobies, at Risk E.'s.

11. - Really? - Uh-huh. - Wait, what?

12. Wait a minute. Hold on. I don't know about this.

13. Oh, yeah, dude, Justine the Teen Dream.

14. She was one of the robots in the Animatronic No Rules Band.

15. - You guys remember that? - Yeah, of course.

16. Right, so if you got off the Train to Kid City

17. and you snuck backstage, you could see under her shirt

18. - just before she came out to perform. - Ooh...

19. - Uh, yeah, I remember hearing about that,

20. but I thought that was just a legend.

21. - That's real, dude. - No, that was real, dude.

22. - You saw them? - I saw 'em, I saw 'em.

23. - Yeah. Yeah. - That was the fir-first set of boobs I ever saw

24. - since my mom's, so... - Yeah.

25. Do they still have that room where they paddle you

26. - if you're out of line? - Oh, no, uh, in our day

27. they called it the Time-Out Room.

28. And you would just go and sit there

29. and fester in your candy-fueled rage for about 20 minutes.

30. - Then you learned your lesson,

31. and they'd send you back out to unleash it on the kids.

32. Yeah, listen, at the end of the day

33. it's all part of the fun.

34. I know, but speaking of fun, let's keep the song...

35. - Yeah, yeah, turn the song back on. - Yeah, crank that shit.

36. They really spruced this place up, huh?

37. - Looks good. - Yeah, yeah.

38. But it still sounds the same, though, right?

39. But, boy, that noise sure would send the parents running,

40. - wouldn't it? Yeah.

41. - Oh, remember when the moms would go

42. - in the padded bar? - Oh, yeah, they soundproofed it.

43. Yeah, they soundproofed it so you couldn't hear it.

44. - Yeah. - Oh, they would get hammered.

45. What you got there, bozo?

46. Just need you to sign these waivers.

47. Eh, no waivers, no.

48. I'm not really supposed to let you in

49. unless you sign this.

50. Oh, yeah, well, listen.

51. Well, I agree it's total bullshit

52. that we would have to sign a waiver

53. and also that we could bum-rush you

54. and there's nothing you could do about it.

55. But you know what? Listen, today

56. we're just gonna have fun, we're not gonna do any of that.

57. We'll sign your goddamn waivers,

58. but I want you to know that, for the record,

59. we're doing this under protest.

60. Sure, I don't care.

61. - Okay. Cool, man. - Hey, here's a little something for you.

62. That's not my name.

63. Yeah, I just went...

64. There's a bottom section, too... okay.

65. - All right, man. - None of 'em are really...

66. Okay.

67. Mmm.

68. What the hell are you doing?

69. Drinking water.

70. What does it look like I'm do...?

71. Get the hell out of here!

72. Frank, what...?

73. - I guess he's thirsty. - Yeah.

74. All right, well, we have a few hours before the show begins.

75. I was thinking I would go redeem my old tickets

76. and then maybe play some Skee-Ball.

77. - Yeah, good call, man. Nice. Have fun, have fun. - Yeah?

78. - Get it, go ahead. Yo. - Hey, uh, Charlie, um,

79. I can't get past

80. - this whole Justine the Teen Dream thing. - Sure.

81. And this feeling that I just missed out on my childhood.

82. - Yeah, mm-hmm. - And I'm just wondering if

83. - maybe you want to... - Yes, I do.

84. - Yeah? - Yeah, let's go.

85. Uh... Well, they're gonna go check out

86. some animatronic titties, so...

87. Hey, you want to do the joke hunt?

88. - Yeah! Did you have that when you were a kid? - Yeah.

89. Where you search around for the little pieces of cheese

90. and they have jokes attached?

91. Yeah, and if you got 'em all...

92. - Yeah. - ... you'd get to meet Risk E. himself.

93. And he'd do his whole routine for you.

94. Where he would smack his kids in the head

95. because they were pieces of shit

96. and then he would bust his brother

97. because he was a lazy drunk.

98. That was so funny.

99. - Oh, yeah. I mean, that, that's funny.

100. They changed it a bit by-by the '80s.

101. - Oh. - Yeah, I think they...

102. It was a little bit more highbrow and, like,

103. um, uh, topical,

104. like, like, uh, like diverse ethnic stuff.

105. Oh, ethnic, yeah. Racist.

106. Mm, no, no. Not, not racist.

107. Thinks like, um, you know, like making fun of people

108. for not belonging here.

109. Right? Or like, like it's funny when people sound funny

110. because they're, they don't, they're not from...

111. they're not from here.

112. Yeah, because of their race.

113. Hmm, I don't think that was it because it was like,

114. it's like a fish out of water...

115. - kind of... - Uh, okay.

116. Satire? I don't know.

117. I can't wait to see who the victims are

118. these days.

119. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally. - Yeah. Let's go.

120. - Let's-let's go find some cheese. - Let's... okay.

121. Let's go. Let's go this way.

122. - Yeah. - Come on.

123. No more Game Boys, but they do have a PlayStation.

124. That's an upgrade.

125. - Can I help you, sir? - Ah, yes, you can.

126. I brought my tickets and I'd like to make a purchase.

127. Where are your guns?

128. Uh, excuse me?

129. Uh, the gun section.

130. I'm very specifically looking for Risk E.'s rifle.

131. It had a real heavy feel to it,

132. it was very realistic, had a good smoky bang.

133. I used to put pebbles in there

134. and I could fire them, like, right at Charlie's eye.

135. It was awesome.

136. Oh, uh, I don't think we have anything like that.

137. We have an orange space laser.

138. What t he hell am I supposed to do with an orange space laser?

139. Have you ever seen anybody use a space laser in real life?

140. How do I simulate

141. real-world violence with something like that?

142. Why would you want to simulate real-world violence?

143. To get it out of my system, bozo.

144. All right, fine. Forget it.

145. Just get me one of those, um...

146. switchblades that are combs.

147. I don't know what that is.

148. The switchblades that become combs

149. that you can threaten your friends with,

150. but then you don't know whether it's a blade or a comb.

151. You know what I'm talking about?

152. Okay, how about some of that, um...

153. can you get me some of that gum

154. that I can put in my mouth and pretend like I got,

155. like, a big old fat lip and spit all over the place?

156. You know what I'm talking about? The...

157. I don't think we have those—

158. What about the candy cigarettes? Give me candy cigarettes!

159. Those were discontinued because cigarettes are illegal.

160. Okay, for Christ's sakes,

161. can you get me like...

162. the extra large Atomic FireBalls?

163. I believe they were considered a choking hazard.

164. Oh, my God, a-a box of Nerds, nerd.

165. Now, Nerds.

166. Oh, you got those.

167. What the...?

168. What is, what is this? Where's the mouse hall?

169. Hold on a second.

170. What, what? So you're telling me they shut down the-the-the

171. Ride to Kid City for a superstore?

172. I mean, there's clearly no mouse hall.

173. There's no way to access this thing.

174. - Dude, what are they doing, man? - I don't know...

175. Also, okay, what's up with the helmet, right?

176. - Risk E. does not wear a helmet, remember?

177. If he would fall and hit his head, he would say...

178. "That's what the bone's for."

179. "That's what the bone was for," right?

180. And he'd come up, he'd crack you on the back of the head.

181. He'd smack you in the back of the head.

182. - "That's what the bone is for!" - "Bone is for!"

183. - I mean, that was, like...

184. - part of the fun of it. - It's unbelievable, man.

185. - Things change, I-I get that. - Okay, fine.

186. - Things change, right? - Yeah.

187. I mean, look, I don't want to be that old guy

188. who's, like, complaining about the way things used to be,

189. but, you know, I, uh...

190. - Want to see boobs. - I just do.

191. You didn't get to see 'em,

192. and it was a big part of the experience.

193. They knew that you needed that.

194. Risk E. knew that you needed that.

195. They knew you were curious. It wasn't a big deal.

196. - Yeah. - The boys, they need something to as... you know.

197. Yeah, yeah. It's great for the boys.

198. And it's also good for the girls because then they know

199. what they're supposed to look like.

200. It's aspirational. I mean, this,

201. I don't think this is the work of Risk E.

202. You know what I mean? Like...

203. I feel like Risk E.'s walled off in there,

204. and-and I think

205. Risk E. would want us to take a risk right now.

206. He would want us to do it.

207. Do it, whatever we want. Watch my back.

208. - No one looking? - Uh-huh.

209. - Oh.

210. - Okay. - All right.

211. Good, I think you... made some headway, though.

212. These balls have no weight to 'em.

213. Back in my day, you could crush a man's skull with one of these.

214. Oh, hey, you're pretty good.

215. Thanks.

216. I'm going for 10,000 tickets.

217. Oh, yeah? Dude, I got like 7,000.

218. What? How do you have so many?

219. I was really good back in the day.

220. Better than you.

221. Oh, well, I only have 1,500.

222. Oh, you know what we should do? We should pool our tickets,

223. and that way we can get, like, the biggest prize they have.

224. Uh, I don't think you're allowed to do that.

225. Yeah, you can. This is America.

226. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

227. You just cursed.

228. So what? We're in an arcade.

229. And there's no adults around.

230. Hey, do you know how much candy

231. we can get with this many tickets?

232. I'm not allowed to eat candy. I have to ask my parents.

233. You don't have to ask your parents anything.

234. You can eat as much candy as you want.

235. You're at Risk E. Rat's. That's the whole point.

236. You can do whatever you want.

237. - I want my mom. - You're not getting your mom!

238. Whoa! Everything okay over here?

239. Looks like someone might need to take a breather.

240. We don't need a breather.

241. All right? I'm just...

242. I'm navigating something with the kid.

243. 'Cause you're a jerk.

244. You're a jerk, and now we're in trouble,

245. and now we have to go to the Time-Out Room.

246. I tell you what, I don't care for these new scanners.

247. You know, it was just so much cooler when they were like...

248. - Yeah. - ... little plastic pieces of cheese with the joke on 'em.

249. You'd read the joke and toss it in the trash.

250. You know what they, they used to do?

251. They used to put 'em on the waitresses

252. without them knowing it.

253. - Really? - Yeah, that was the fun thing,

254. because then you could cop a feel

255. and they couldn't say anything

256. because if they did, they'd lose their jobs.

257. Yeah. - That's terrible.

258. No, it was the '50s. It was fine.

259. - Right. - Yo, folks. Got your mozzarella sticks.

260. Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.

261. Please be careful, they're hot.

262. Hmm. - Are they hot, dork?

263. Are you trying to tell me that

264. these sticks of molten cheese that just came out of

265. the deep fryer, they're hot?

266. Well, yeah, I don't want you to get burned.

267. Thank you so much for helping me out.

268. What'd I've done if you weren't here?

269. Bye. Beat it. Bye, Jesse.

270. Sorry.

271. - I mean... I'm talking about it.

272. - Yeah. - There's one.

273. - Ooh! - I found it. Look, over there.

274. - Where? - Right over there.

275. - Oh, my God. Ooh. - Un-Un-Under the table.

276. He wasn't joking.

277. Hey, guys.

278. - You having a good time? - Hey there, Dingbat Duck.

279. - Yes, we are. - Uh, actually, it's Dapper Duck now.

280. How do you like the delectable duds?

281. It's not Dapper Duck. You're-you're Dingbat Duck.

282. Oh, hey, and where's your stutter? That was your...

283. - the funny thing you did. - Yeah, yeah, where-where's the...?

284. Oh, I don't stutter. I have delightful diction.

285. No, you don't. No, you d...

286. you d-d-d-d-d-do-do st-st-st-st-stutter.

287. And that's the only thing that's funny about you.

288. That was good. - He's laughing.

289. Yeah. See?

290. You were, you were the retard.

291. Whoa, whoa.

292. - What? - Don't say... come on, don't say that.

293. Well, he's a duck.

294. I wouldn't say that about a human.

295. But you're telling me I can't say a duck is retarded?

296. - Yes. - No? What do you mean?

297. Suppose he walked up here, and his feet were on backwards

298. and his beak was on the inside of his head,

299. what, then I could call him retarded?

300. Well, no. Then you're dealing with

301. a mutant duck, and that's not funny.

302. But his whole shtick was that he would drool and slobber

303. - and-and, you know, he was like... - Yeah. Yeah.

304. He could b-b-b-b-b-b-barely get the w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-words out.

305. - His mouth was retarded. - Stop saying "retarded."

306. How dare you?

307. 'Cause I didn't see anything backstage and... Oh, shit.

308. Okay. Look, look, look at, look at this.

309. Oh, man, this is, this is sad.

310. And they stuck 'em all in storage, dude.

311. The whole band is here, dude.

312. You got Spaz the drummer, Chef Greaseball Linguini.

313. - Oh. - Dr. Slice

314. the Funky Funkosapien or whatever he was.

315. Was he supposed to be Black?

316. - Yeah. I, yeah, I-I think so. - Yeah.

317. And you know what? Now that I think of it,

318. it's good that they're updating that.

319. I mean, you can't have a purple character

320. - that does a Black voice. - Why not?

321. Well, because...

322. If you're gonna put a Black person in the band,

323. it's got to be representative of...

324. It was a white guy doing the voice.

325. - That was the problem. - Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

326. - Yeah, yeah. - It was a white guy doing a Black voice...

327. - No, no, no, that's— - ... in a purple costume.

328. That's not a good look, you know what I mean?

329. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. For sure, for sure.

330. Yeah, so...

331. But they are purple.

332. Who? What?

333. Monsters. You know, like...

334. - Monsters are purple? - Yeah.

335. Blue, green, purple, orange, and we can't just, like,

336. not have purple monsters in bands anymore.

337. - All right, you know what? I... - Oh, but they should have

338. - white voices. - Well, they should have monster voices.

339. They should have monster voices

340. because we need monster representation.

341. So we can't just put them in boxes.

342. This is all very complicated stuff, man.

343. - It is complicated, man. - It's tough to navigate it, man.

344. I don't know what the answer is, so I'm gonna move past it.

345. - I tell you what, I... - All right, as long as they can still have

346. - groovy monsters, you know? - Yeah.

347. Look at all this stuff. Eh, tell you what,

348. some of this stuff brings back a lot of memories.

349. Yeah, yeah.

350. Oh, no.

351. - Aw... - Sweet Justine.

352. What have they done to you?

353. Oh, man.

354. Bam! Look at those.

355. - Hey, you found her torso.

356. Yeah.

357. Hey-hey. - That looks crazy, man.

358. That is something else, isn't it? Mmm.

359. Yeah, yeah.

360. Now, are you telling me that

361. there is a lifelike set of animatronic breasts under there?

362. - I am, sir. - Really?

363. - Yeah. Very accurate design. - Huh.

364. - Uh, nipples. - Interesting.

365. - All the curves. - Fascinating.

366. - Yeah, wow, good. - Yeah.

367. Yeah, okay. So I will take, uh...

368. - Yeah. - ... the shirt off.

369. - Let's, uh, let's pop it off. - And, uh, I... hmm...

370. Hmm, I'm sorry, is it wrong to do this?

371. If I'm being honest, it feels wrong to me as well.

372. Right, but why? Why would—? - I don't know.

373. - Is it 'cause she's underage? - No.

374. I mean, she's a robot, man, like...

375. - Right. Robot. - They're ageless.

376. Now, wait a second.

377. We could just be two mature men with an interest in robotics.

378. This could be science is what you're saying.

379. I think this is a scientific experiment,

380. and that's one way to look at it, and—

381. This is for the good of... future robots, right?

382. So, for the good of... science...

383. - Yeah. - ... I'm just gonna

384. - go ahead and... - Yeah.

385. I'm gonna slide this down here.

386. Just for scientific purposes we can... aah!

387. Oh, God!

388. - That is...

389. - What? - How did they...?

390. These are not the boobs I saw, dude, these are not them.

391. This is so disturbing.

392. They-they took her tits off. They literally sanded 'em off!

393. - They mutilated this poor woman. - That is disgusting.

394. Goddamn libs.

395. - Unbelievable. - Oh, my God.

396. And this could be the religious conservatives, too.

397. You know, y-you don't know.

398. - That's true. - Which kind of—

399. Lopping tits off feels like a, feels like a religious move.

400. - Yeah, that's some kind of like— - I don't know anymore.

401. - Everybody's crazy these days.

402. This is nuts, man. I'll tell you what, though.

403. This is a sad day for women's rights.

404. Now, Mac, tell us how you're feeling right now.

405. Well, I... feel angry.

406. Is there anything else?

407. Yeah, I feel... misunderstood.

408. Unheard.

409. Thank you.

410. Sam, how are you feeling?

411. I feel stupid.

412. You are stupid. It's 'cause you're stupid.

413. - Shut up. - Now, Mac... - You shut up.

414. - Mac. - He's getting sassy.

415. - I was not being sassy. - You were being sassy.

416. You... Okay, hey, guys.

417. Honestly, you were both being a little sassy.

418. But right now I just want to hear about Sam's emotions, okay?

419. Fine.

420. Thank you.

421. There's that sass that I was talking about.

422. I feel like we're getting stuck on the sass of it.

423. It's hard not to get stuck in the sass.

424. - I understand. - I'm mired in the sass

425. because the kid is so sassy.

426. Let's just let him talk, and I feel

427. like it'll all sort itself out.

428. Fine.

429. As I was saying, I feel stupid talking about my feelings.

430. Like, I don't want to be in the Feelings Center.

431. That's not the point of Risk E. Rat's.

432. Hmm. - We are on the same page there

433. 'cause, like, this isn't the point.

434. I don't want to be in the Feelings Center either,

435. and, like, he's dead right about Risk E. Rat's.

436. That's the whole point of it.

437. And...

438. I feel I just want to go out there and have fun.

439. That's what I want to do, too.

440. I just want to play and have fun, and—

441. - See? - Good, good.

442. Hey, here's the question about that, you guys.

443. Do we feel like we've earned that?

444. Yes.

445. Okay, well, so do I.

446. - Let's get out there and have some fun, shall we? - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

447. We've only been here for like five minutes.

448. That's not a punishment. I-I don't feel punished.

449. Where-Where's the shame I'm supposed to be feeling?

450. There's no shame in making a mistake, Mac.

451. Yes, there is.

452. How else would I know not to do it anymore?

453. Hey, listen, man. I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

454. You're a talking dog. I'm out of here.

455. Great. - I'm scared. - I'm sure you are, Sam.

456. I'm sure you are.

457. 'Cause you're a pussy.

458. Now, look, look, man, that's...

459. - that's not your fault. - Jesus Christ, man.

460. It's not your fault. This dog, your parents,

461. the whole, the whole culture is grooming you to be a pussy.

462. You got no freedom,

463. which means you got no balls.

464. And then, even when you actually do get caught

465. doing something bad, you're not held accountable.

466. And if you're not held accountable, you feel no guilt.

467. If you feel no guilt, you feel no shame.

468. If you got no shame...

469. you're never gonna hate yourself enough

470. to stop being bad and grow some balls.

471. You diddle this kid, you're definitely on camera.

472. I don't know if you want to be alone with him.

473. All right, this is the last piece.

474. - All right, what's it say?

475. "What does a nosy pepper do?"

476. - What? - "It gets jalapeño business."

477. That's stupid. Let me see it.

478. Oh, I get it! You know what it is?

479. You got to do it with an accent.

480. Uh, it gets "all-up-in-yo" business.

481. - Get it? Yeah, well, that's funny.

482. - Yeah. - 'Cause that's Black.

483. - That's Black. - Well, n-not necessarily,

484. but it is sassy.

485. You just got to put some sass on there.

486. It also could be Mexican, I guess,

487. 'cause of the jalapeño, that's a Mexican pepper.

488. - Um, gets "hall-up-in-your" business, see? - Oh, yeah, that...

489. I get it, but I got to know who it's about.

490. I-I don't think it's about anybody.

491. I think it's just a-a play on words.

492. But I got to know who the victim is

493. in order for me to laugh at them.

494. Yeah, I'll tell you what, in this scenario it's whites

495. because white people are the only people

496. who don't have the accent to pull off the joke.

497. - Well, that's racist. - That is racist,

498. - and I don't appreciate it. - That's very racist.

499. I'll tell you that much right now.

500. Is this the satire you're talking about?

501. I don't know. If I'm being honest,

502. I don't 100% understand what satire means.

503. - Let's go through the jokes again.

504. - Yeah, it's not good now, man, you know? - Yeah, it's the pits.

505. Really creepy, too.

506. Like, who are the weirdos with the kids?

507. I think it's their parents.

508. - The parents should be in the bar. - Charlie, there is no bar.

509. - What? Are you serious? They got rid of the bar? - There's no bar?

510. Oh, that's crazy.

511. This was, like, one of the best bars in town, man.

512. All right, all right, you know what? Every...

513. Let's just, everybody calm down.

514. Okay? We're here, you know? Let's give it another shot.

515. Right? The show's about to begin.

516. That was always one of the best parts

517. of this place anyway, right? The show.

518. - Okay. Okay. - Let's see if the show's good.

519. - One, one last shot. - Hard to screw the show up.

520. They could redeem themselves here.

521. Everybody clap your hands

522. 'cause it's time to party.

523. - Here it comes.

524. - Okay. Okay. - Party time, baby.

525. It's party time.

526. What are these?

527. - What's this? - Earplugs? - Earphones?

528. - Are you serious? - No, no, no, no, no.

529. - No, no, no, no. No. - Get out of here.

530. I want to be able to hear the show.

531. - Risk E., Risk E... - This is a jam, right?

532. Has a good beat going.

533. Yeah, I like that beat. That's it.

534. What the...?

535. Did he just say Robbie-pizza.com?

536. - Did they change the name? - They can't...

537. You cannot call a place a website.

538. That's crazy.

539. He's not Risk E. anymore?

540. - He's Robbie now?

541. This is so depressing, but, g-guys, we c...

542. we can't wallow.

543. We got to do something about this.

544. For the sake of the kids!

545. Okay. So here's what we do.

546. We recreate the old Risk E.'s so that these kids can have

547. the same experience that we had when we were younger

548. and they can perhaps tell the tale.

549. That's exactly what I was thinking.

550. Guys, let's get risky.

551. Wow. Those kids are jazzed.

552. - Wow! - Yeah, man, we're all set here.

553. Guys, I got to say, I think we've...

554. I think we've done something pretty magical here today.

555. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah!

556. Okay. On the count of three,

557. you open the doors and let 'em in...

558. Yeah. - ... and I will throw this switch

559. and let the real fun begin.

560. Yeah, baby. - Ready?

561. - That's the attitude, Frank.

562. Let's do it, let's do it. Yeah, all right.

563. Three, two, one...

564. Fun!

565. Where's my son? Where's my son?

566. They're standing right over there. Go get them.

567. - Well, that got out of hand. - Yeah.

568. Yeah, these kids, they just,

569. th-they weren't prepared for that amount of fun.

570. You know what it is?

571. That's because they were sheltered too much.

572. - Right. - I'm glad that they signed the waiver, though.

573. Oh, right. No lawsuits for them.

574. - They can't do shit.

575. - Nobody can sue. - Although you didn't, you didn't sign anything.

576. Ah, they won't find me.

577. - Hey, should we get out of here? - Yes. - Probably, yes.

578. - Let's go, let's go. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's slip out.