It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 16x4

1. Frank!

2. Frank, come on, man! We got to go!

3. - We got to go! - Oh, what?

4. Come on, man, we're gonna miss it.

5. - Wake up, wake up. Come on. - Wh-What?

6. - Right away! - Okay.

7. Guys, make way. Make way, please.

8. - Hey, wait, no, no, please. - Cutting it pretty close there, pal.

9. Ah, I feel like I got to take a shit.

10. No, no, no, no, no. There's no time for that.

11. - Oh, God, excuse me. Come on. - No, no, no, no, no autographs.

12. - I'm not ready for this. - Listen, listen.

13. - You got it, you got it, you got it. - Listen to me.

14. - Back off, back off. - Frank, you are ready.

15. Everything you need is already inside you.

16. Move. No, out of the way.

17. Dennis, please.

18. - Just... Dennis, please, please. - God, no.

19. - Pretty please, just help me. - No! No, Mac.

20. I'm not helping you, okay?

21. Stop talking to me about Johnny.

22. Well, hey, I could help you with your guy troubles.

23. No, thanks, Dee. You suck with men.

24. Tell that to the guy leaving my apartment this morning.

25. That's right. Your girl got her guts pumped last night.

26. Oh, my God, that is disgusting.

27. - Your guts pumped? - Aren't you, like, 60?

28. - You're not a girl. - Yeah, come on, Dee. This is insane.

29. - I mean... really. - Who talks like that?

30. And, by the way, anybody can get a guy to bang them once.

31. Okay, well, I guarantee you

32. he'll be coming back for seconds.

33. In fact, he pulled an old move of mine.

34. He took my phone "by mistake"

35. so that he could see me again.

36. Oh, okay. Yeah.

37. - Mm-hmm. - How's he gonna call you?

38. - Dennis, can you help me get my phone— - No.

39. - Dennis, Dennis, I need your help really quick, man. - No!

40. Do you remember when we stole a restaurant buzzer the other day?

41. I can't find it anywhere.

42. It's a matter of national security here, man.

43. Oh, yes, no, no, I'm sure, yeah.

44. You know what? Maybe it's in the back office. Let me check

45. the back office. Frank, let me check the back office.

46. Hey, uh, Frank, could you help me with something?

47. - Yeah. - Are you kidding?

48. You want Frank's help with your guy troubles?

49. He's insanely homophobic.

50. Huh? Not anymore.

51. No, once Mac did the dance,

52. then I get it. I get the gay thing.

53. He gets it. He's an ally now.

54. Okay, so, Frank, I need some relationship advice.

55. - Yeah. - I'm having some issues

56. - with this guy that I'm dating. - Yeah.

57. - I want to take it to the next level, you know, - Right.

58. by actually meeting this guy.

59. What, you've never met the guy?

60. No, never met him,

61. never spoken with him, never seen him,

62. but it's not weird

63. because we're in constant communication

64. through the beads.

65. The beads?

66. Oh, yes. The extra-large anal beads

67. that I shoved up my butt,

68. and Johnny can control them

69. via an app on his phone.

70. And when I feel the buzz,

71. I know it's time to go to the motel

72. and wait. It's very romantic.

73. Uh, yes, he's never actually showed up before,

74. but one day he will, and it's going to be hot.

75. That's it. I'm out.

76. I'm out. That's it. I don't get it. I am never gonna get it.

77. - Beads? You never said anything about beads. - Let me-let me explain it again.

78. - What beads? - It's beads that go into my ass.

79. The dance never said anything about no beads.

80. Frank, I found it. I found it. I found it.

81. Let's get the hell out of here.

82. We got it, guys, we're good.

83. - Anal beads up his ass.

84. Dennis, can you please help me get my phone back?

85. 'Cause I need my phone.

86. No, Dennis, help me, though. Help me because

87. - I need help— - No, you are beyond help, okay?

88. You let a stranger hack your butthole. Dennis—

89. Enough! Enough.

90. It is clear that I'm not going to get a moment's peace until

91. I foist you two off on someone else,

92. so, fine, I will help you.

93. - Okay. Okay. - Oh, yeah! All right, all right,

94. let's go.

95. This is all I could find.

96. Yeah, no, this is good. Um...

97. Okay, are there, like, a pair of, like, weird spy glasses

98. - in here or anything?

99. - Aw, shit. - They dropped all those charges weeks ago. Wh—

100. Call you back.

101. Hey, what are you guys doing with all my research equipment?

102. Charlie and Frank are gonna play spies.

103. Yeah, well, we're not playing spies,

104. we're playing chess, okay?

105. There's a Russian grandmaster coming to town.

106. I'm entering Frank in the tournament,

107. and then he's gonna rise through the ranks,

108. and he's gonna beat this guy's ass, USA style.

109. So, I need the glasses, Uncle Jack,

110. because Frank's got to be able to transmit me the board

111. while I play along on a computer

112. and I signal him the moves with the restaurant buzzer.

113. No, stop, stop, stop. Uh, you're gonna break it.

114. This is, uh, very sensitive equipment.

115. Right, yeah, okay.

116. Look, do you have the spy glasses or not, dude?

117. Fine. I'll let you borrow them, but I'm coming with.

118. Okay? I don't want you breaking any of this.

119. - A play date.

120. - Goddamn it. - Oh, yeah.

121. - Like we used to. - We never did.

122. - Ah... You don't remember. - Man, we never did.

123. I mean, what is taking Uncle Jack so long?

124. - Well, why don't we just go in?

125. Hang on.

126. - What the... - Is that-is that him?

127. Holy shit.

128. Uh, Uncle Jack,

129. what-what is this?

130. - My ice cream truck.

131. You know, I-I have, like, a side business.

132. Ugh. All right, fine. You know what? Actually, this could work.

133. - You got the spy glasses? - Yeah. Here they are. - Glasses.

134. - Here's how this goes. Frank, you got the buzzer? - Yeah, I got the buzzer.

135. - All right, so Frank's got a buzzer in his pocket, okay? - I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

136. So, he'll hover his hand over the piece, you know,

137. one buzz for yes, two buzzes for no,

138. three if you need him to switch to a different piece, okay?

139. Same goes for where to put it down. Got it?

140. - Okay. Yup. - You clear?

141. - Give me a Push Pop, will you? - And get him a Push Pop.

142. What? Oh, no, I-I don't have any ice cream.

143. - Oh. - Oh, my God. All right, fine.

144. Just... just...

145. - get to your spot and play the— Ugh. - Okay.

146. Hey, I'll be watching you.

147. Hm...

148. Should I go here?

149. - Mm. Or should I go...

150. - here?

151. Charlie, don't look at the kid,

152. look at the board. Actually,

153. one quick look at the kid again, so I can get a screen grab.

154. - Gross, no, man, no. - No? No?

155. I— No, not you. Sorry.

156. Talking to the voices in my head, so...

157. - Stay on the board. - Yup. Yes.

158. Don't mind my friend. He's schizophrenic.

159. - I am, yeah.

160. - Got it. - Go eh...

161. Boom.

162. I took your little castle-y thing.

163. - Suck on that,

164. boy!

165. If he does, let me get another screen grab.

166. Shut up, dude. That's gross, man.

167. - Uh-oh, uh-oh. - Sir?

168. Uh, sir, may I have a word with you?

169. Um, absolutely not, because I'm in the middle of watching

170. a game of chess.

171. Uh, there is no alcohol allowed on the premises.

172. What? Wh-What do you mean?

173. Like, I got to drink wine or something?

174. No alcohol at all.

175. At a sporting event? That's crazy.

176. Fine, dude. Here you go.

177. Frank, I'm gonna have to find some way to sneak beer in here.

178. Excuse me?

179. Dude, are you still here? Go away.

180. I gave you the beer, man.

181. Now, as you're both aware, I have a foolproof system

182. for attracting a woman.

183. But I also have a foolproof system

184. for attracting a man.

185. - Aw, awesome. - No way.

186. - Why? - How come? - Shh, shh.

187. Shh. Shh.

188. Okay. Now, it begins

189. with me setting you both up with nice, normal dates.

190. You will begin by greeting them

191. with the traditional pleasantries.

192. Very nice to meet you, Patrick.

193. Kyle, it's a pleasure.

194. Pleasure's all mine.

195. I'll be nearby, of course,

196. to make sure nothing goes awry.

197. Step one.

198. S— suppress your instincts.

199. See, your first instinct

200. is going to be to try to make yourself

201. seem awesome to him, but that's wrong.

202. 'Cause this isn't about you.

203. This is a man we're talking about.

204. It's always about him.

205. Okay?

206. So, you're going to...

207. I— inflate his ego.

208. Make him feel like he's awesome, he's funny,

209. he's the most interesting person in the room.

210. You're the most interesting person in this room.

211. Uhp, uhp, uhp. Hi.

212. Hello.

213. I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.

214. I'm-I'm the manager

215. - of the establishment. - Yes, I was just saying

216. that he's the most interesting man in the room.

217. Yeah. You know, it's— I-I caught that, actually,

218. and I wanted to say to you

219. that, uh, Mac does,

220. in fact, know everyone here,

221. which he would, of course,

222. have to in order to have said something like that.

223. So, it's meaningful.

224. Now, once your man's feeling important,

225. you're gonna show him that you...

226. N— need his power.

227. Mm.

228. See, every man's greatest fear

229. is that he's a... pussy.

230. - Mm. - You need to make him feel powerful.

231. Oh, boy.

232. Oh... man. I just can't seem to get this open.

233. Do you think you could help me out?

234. Sure.

235. Oh, this is really on tight.

236. - Uh, are you-are you being serious?

237. Oh, Christ, Bozo, give it back to me. I'll do it.

238. Wai— No, no. Uh, no. Yeah, it's— You can't.

239. You can't. You couldn't.

240. No one could, because these bottles...

241. are all, uh...

242. they're defective and un-openable.

243. Yeah, there's been a recall, actually. See?

244. It's-it's impossible. Nobody could...

245. get these open today.

246. - Mm. - You know what? You do look very, very strong.

247. You mind giving this one more shot for me?

248. Let's see if you can get it.

249. - Oh! - Whoa.

250. - Wow. - Wow.

251. Now that your man's feeling powerful,

252. on top of the world, you must...

253. rip it away from him.

254. You're going to N— negate his power.

255. Yeah, but this needs to be subtle.

256. A man's ego is... fragile.

257. The goal here is to make him feel that he may be a...

258. tad bit inadequate,

259. in comparison, maybe, to a former lover.

260. - Yes? - Oh.

261. But don't lay it on too thick.

262. - Mm. Mm-hmm. - Subtle.

263. I used to fuck LeBron James.

264. Oh, God.

265. Now, even if things have gone

266. a little off the rails at this point,

267. we can get things back on track

268. with a classic.

269. E— engage physically.

270. - Hey-o. - Yeah.

271. But you got to make sure that your physical engagement

272. is appropriate to the environment, okay?

273. Your demeanor wants to remain elegant and classy.

274. - Right. - Mm. Got it.

275. What are you doing?

276. I'm grabbing your ding-dong.

277. No!

278. No, yeah. That's, uh...

279. And now for the final step,

280. the most profound move of the entire system.

281. D.

282. "Do you want a tissue?"

283. - Huh? - Huh?

284. You see, with this one simple but profound question,

285. you instantly transport this man back to a time

286. when he was a tiny, snot-nosed little bitch

287. who depended on the most important person in his life

288. for absolutely everything.

289. The person who inflated his ego,

290. who made him feel powerful,

291. but also powerless.

292. The person whose validation

293. he's been seeking his entire life.

294. Guys,

295. the way to make a man

296. fall in love with you

297. is to make him feel

298. like you are...

299. his mommy.

300. Well, it's getting late.

301. Yeah.

302. Yeah, we should probably call it.

303. I have, uh, one thing that I'd like to ask you.

304. Um... do you need a tissue?

305. Do you need a tissue?

306. - What? - What?

307. - You need a tissue. - You need a tissue.

308. Oh. Oh, really? Ah...

309. Ah, just... That's-that's embarrassing.

310. - Hang on, all right, stop it.

311. There we go. Come here.

312. There we go. Now

313. my little man is all ready for his day.

314. Before, they wanted

315. nothing more than this date to be over.

316. But now they can't help but ask...

317. Hey, um, any chance...

318. Would you want to...

319. do this again...

320. sometime?

321. Mm.

322. It worked.

323. And there you have it.

324. That, my friends, is...

325. the SINNED system.

326. - Oh! - Whoa!

327. - Oh, ho! - Amazing.

328. - Crazy creepy, though, - Oh, yeah, very creepy.

329. with all the mom stuff, and...

330. the name's a little heavy-handed.

331. Yeah, took a-took a lot to get there.

332. It's not as clean as the DENNIS system.

333. Well, but listen, the DENNIS system—

334. that's a system for getting a woman.

335. This is a system for getting a man,

336. and that's why SINNED is actually...

337. - DENNIS backwards.

338. Oh, my God!

339. - That's amazing. - How-how did that line up like that?

340. Yeah, like, what are the odds, though?

341. - Oh, wow. - What do you— The odds of what?

342. What are the odds that the steps to the system

343. would be DENNIS backwards

344. and that they would spell out the word "sinned?"

345. High! High. 'Cause I made it up.

346. - Oh! Yeah, he did it on purpose. - Oh, my... He made it up.

347. - Hey-o! - Hey-o!

348. Hey, hey, hey!

349. What's up, guy—

350. You know what, I got to say,

351. I am, I'm still, like, buzzing from last night.

352. - Got a little hairy there for a second, didn't it? - Yeah. Yeah.

353. Yeah, but we pulled it off.

354. - We sure did! - We really did.

355. - We really did. - Success.

356. All right, so talk to me, when are those

357. - second dates? - Ooh, yeah, no, that's not happening.

358. What do you mean, that's not happening?

359. Well, I got home last night, and, I, uh, found myself

360. real horny, so I popped a couple of Mommy's magic beans

361. and headed over to Kyle's house.

362. Roofies. I roofied myself. Yeah,

363. not 100% sure if we plowed or not,

364. but I do know I got this.

365. You stole his phone.

366. - Yeah, well, I'll be honest, - Aw...

367. the details are a bit hazy, still,

368. but I do know I stole somebody's phone.

369. - And you? - Oh, I'm not doing it either.

370. - Yeah! - Okay, but I have a good reason, Dennis.

371. I have a really good reason, 'cause I'm not a-a rapist

372. and a thief like Dee is. I'm-I'm just a boy in love.

373. I'm just a boy in love with Johnny,

374. and I realized that I-I have to be with him.

375. Well, no, see, that's-that's the thing—

376. Johnny doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

377. - You don't know him. - No, no, no.

378. You don't know him.

379. I know him better than you.

380. Do you? Because I am him.

381. What?

382. I invented Johnny as a means

383. of getting you out of the apartment

384. when you were irritating me.

385. I don't understand.

386. Okay, like, when "Johnny" sent you out

387. to go get those soft-shell crabs,

388. - you remember that? - Yeah.

389. Yeah. And he was supposed to meet you,

390. - but he didn't. He ghosted you, right? - No.

391. And so, you came sauntering back in the house and all depressed,

392. and I was like, "Well, I tell you what, buddy,

393. I'll eat the soft-shell crabs. They are my favorite."

394. And I said, "Oh, my God, what a coincidence

395. because they're-they're Johnny's favorite, too."

396. - Yeah, because I am Johnny. - Then who's Dennis?

397. - What do you mean? - Well, if you're Johnny, then who— who's you?

398. I'm Dennis! I've always been Dennis.

399. L-L-Let me— This is gonna make it all clear. This is my phone,

400. - Don't want to get into this— - and when I push a certain button...

401. - Wait, hold on. H-Hold on a second.

402. - What, what? - Johnny's buzzing me. I got— Look.

403. - No, I pushed the button. - I haven't heard from him in a while,

404. and I'm going to the motel. I got to meet him.

405. - I'm sorry. - Mac, it's not Johnny. I pushed the button on my phone—

406. I can't engage with you on this right now.

407. I got to-I got to go see Johnny.

408. Dennis! Dennis. I need your help, man.

409. - I need your help, big-time. - No, no!

410. I am done helping people.

411. Dude, we're so close, man. We're in the finals.

412. - Yeah? I don't care. - And there's no way

413. I'm gonna be able to sneak a restaurant buzzer in now.

414. Okay, you know what? You're not gonna stop talking.

415. - So, I-I'm just... - Yes— No, I'm not, because,

416. - Dennis, I need your help. Look, I've - I don't care.

417. been controlling Frank using the restaurant buzzer, okay?

418. - Wait a-wait a— whoa, what... - And it's the perfect plan.

419. Hold on a second.

420. Sorry, did you just say you've been...

421. controlling Frank like a pawn in a game?

422. Like a puppet?

423. Uh, I didn't say any of those words, but yeah.

424. I've been-I've been controlling Frank, uh, in chess, yes.

425. Very interesting.

426. And Frank's been aware of the puppetry the entire time?

427. Yeah, of course. He's in on it. But dude, it's over, right?

428. Unless you know a way I can sneak

429. something into this tournament that vibrates.

430. I think I may have a way, but, uh...

431. Frank's not gonna like it.

432. - Dee. - Mm.

433. Got any more of those magic beans?

434. Yeah.

435. 'Cause we're gonna need

436. to turn the lights out.

437. - Frank! Frank, get up!

438. - Wow, what... - Wake up! Wake up, man!

439. - We're late! - Okay. What?

440. - We're gonna miss it, dude.

441. - Move. No, out of the way.

442. Jesus, Frank. Cutting it pretty close there, pal.

443. Ah, feel like I got to take a shit.

444. What? You got to sh— Don't shit, don't shit.

445. - No, no, no. There's no time for that. - I'm not ready for this.

446. No, listen to me, listen to me. You are ready.

447. Everything you need is already inside you.

448. Move. No, out of the way.

449. The excitement here is palpable.

450. At last, the moment we've all been waiting for,

451. Mr. Reynolds is about to make his first move.

452. - You got this, Frank!

453. You got this, man!

454. I don't know what I'm doing.

455. Frank, trust your gut.

456. - Ooh.

457. Oh.

458. He seems a little uncomfortable, Susan.

459. Just think about the incredible amount

460. of pressure he's feeling right now.

461. - Oh...

462. - Ho, ho.

463. Ho, ho!

464. - Yes. Yes.

465. - Oh.

466. - Oh, God, no. - Mr. Reynolds seems to be going through

467. a range of emotions

468. while contemplating his first move.

469. You don't have to do this.

470. You don't have to do it.

471. S-Should I go here?

472. - Oh...

473. Uh... There?

474. Oh!

475. Take your time, take your time.

476. Take your time. Take your time.

477. You don't have to do this!

478. Should I go there? Aah!

479. Hey, Dennis.

480. Oh, man, I had the craziest night last night,

481. 'cause I think I, like, blacked out, and then,

482. when I woke up, I think that Johnny broke up with me,

483. - 'cause he was gone. - Mac, I can't do this right now.

484. - Here?

485. Here?

486. Don't lose your shit, man. Don't lose your shit.

487. A language warning for anybody watching at home.

488. Ho! Aah, aah, aah! Oh!

489. - Nice.

490. I am Johnny! I don't know how else to tell you!

491. Look, I have the texts. I will show you the texts.

492. Look, these are the texts that I sent to you from my phone.

493. Oh, my God. You have Johnny's phone.

494. - This is my... - Give it to me.

495. - Give me Johnny's phone. - Goddamn it! - Whoa, whoa.

496. You motherfucker!

497. Oh, God.

498. It won't... it won't go down.

499. What have you done?

500. Take my king. Take my king.

501. Take him.

502. Take it. Take it.

503. Oh...

504. Kd2! Kd2!

505. That is checkmate. What a brilliant endgame by Reynolds.

506. - He won? - He won!

507. - Frank won?

508. Get it out! Get it out!

509. - God. Take it out, take it out. - You did it, Frank!

510. - Frank, you did it! You beat the Russian! - Take it out. Take it out.

511. - You beat the Russian! - Stop it, stop.

512. Stop this, Charl— It's gonna split me in half, Charlie.

513. - He won! He won!

514. - USA! USA! - Kill the Wi-Fi! Kill the Wi-Fi!

515. - USA! USA! - Kill it. Kill the Wi-Fi!

516. - Kill the Wi-Fi!

517. - Ooh. Ooh.