1. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.Copy !req
2. Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys.Copy !req
3. "Congratulations,
Paddy's Pub.Copy !req
4. "We are pleased to report that
we are interested in featuringCopy !req
5. "your bar on an upcoming
episode of our show.Copy !req
6. "We will be sending a producer
to do a walk-through soon.Copy !req
7. "Warmly, your friends at...Copy !req
8. Bar Rescue!"Copy !req
9. Yes!Copy !req
10. This is like our dreams
come true, right?Copy !req
11. What?
To be on a reality TV show?Copy !req
12. Yeah. Wh—
How did this happen?Copy !req
13. I've been writing them a letter
every weekCopy !req
14. since the show first started.Copy !req
15. - Well, how long's it been?
- Too long.Copy !req
16. I very much do
want to be famous,Copy !req
17. but I don't know if I want to be
on a reality showCopy !req
18. where they try and make us
look like jerks.Copy !req
19. - Right.
- Right.
Oh, right, yeah.Copy !req
20. 'Cause, like, what
if they, like, edit itCopy !req
21. to, like, make me
look stupid or something?Copy !req
22. Yeah. This is a definite pass
for me. I'm out.Copy !req
23. This could be huge for us.Copy !req
24. What are you guys talking about?Copy !req
25. I'm a little disappointed
that you didn't tell me earlierCopy !req
26. because I would have been
working outCopy !req
27. for weeks in preparation.Copy !req
28. I mean, for God's sakes, man.Copy !req
29. What if, what if
my shirt falls off?Copy !req
30. Yeah, yeah. I'm a little off
my regimen, too.Copy !req
31. Like, I haven't even
been doing any of myCopy !req
32. - workouts.
- Ever. He never has. Yeah.Copy !req
33. You guys are missing
the bigger picture here.Copy !req
34. I mean, wh-what are the odds
that they would pick our bar?Copy !req
35. This is a million-to-one shot,Copy !req
36. and I've got a really good
feeling about this, guys.Copy !req
37. Things are about to change
here at Paddy's PubCopy !req
38. because our luck
just turned around.Copy !req
39. Mac, stop.Copy !req
40. The second I clean it up,
you're making more crumbs.Copy !req
41. - Stop.
- There should be more crumbs.Copy !req
42. We should put crumbs
all over the goddamn bar.Copy !req
43. Sorry, but, Charlie, why am I
seeing so many silverfish?Copy !req
44. I-I don't know
where they're coming from, man.Copy !req
45. I cannot get rid of them.Copy !req
46. You should not get rid of them.Copy !req
47. Don't you guys understand
what Bar Rescue is?Copy !req
48. These are the exact
kind of thingsCopy !req
49. that John Taffer's gonna come in
and hand our asses to us about.Copy !req
50. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
51. No, I don't-I don't want
to have my ass handed to me.Copy !req
52. I mean,
how the bar comes across isCopy !req
53. - a reflection of
how I come across. Okay?
- Yes.Copy !req
54. And I, for one,
don't want to be knownCopy !req
55. as a silverfish man. Okay?Copy !req
56. I want to look good
for the people watchingCopy !req
57. in their...Copy !req
58. In, uh, th-the...Copy !req
59. Uh... What's the-the thing?Copy !req
60. The-the boxes
that-that people live in?Copy !req
61. You talking about their homes?Copy !req
62. Y— Uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.Copy !req
63. - Jesus. I couldn't think of
that word. That's so weird.Copy !req
64. Guys, we have a problem.Copy !req
65. But whatever you do,
don't laugh.Copy !req
66. - How are we not supposed
to laugh at that?
- I wouldn't laugh at that.Copy !req
67. This is not funny, all right?
It's not a joke.Copy !req
68. I don't know
what's going on with my face,Copy !req
69. but it's broken or something.Copy !req
70. - It's very funny.Copy !req
71. - That's really funny.Copy !req
72. - Ah!
- My egg's all bloody.Copy !req
73. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
74. This is bad, dude.Copy !req
75. This is the kind of stuff
that starts happeningCopy !req
76. when someone's
put a curse on you.Copy !req
77. - Curse? What are you
talking about?
- What?Copy !req
78. Let's just stop and think
for a second, okay?Copy !req
79. Like, Dee,
did you have any run-insCopy !req
80. with anyone who might have
put a curse on you?Copy !req
81. I mean, I had
a tiny little issueCopy !req
82. with a neighbor last night.Copy !req
83. - Yes!Copy !req
84. - Spewing my hate
all over your teenage asses.Copy !req
85. What?Copy !req
86. Banging the goddamn door down.
What?Copy !req
87. Yeah.Copy !req
88. What? Why are you trying
to break my door downCopy !req
89. at 3:00 in the morning?Copy !req
90. I baked you some brownies.Copy !req
91. Why you baking me shit?Copy !req
92. - Trying to poison me?
- No.Copy !req
93. I just wanted to kindly ask if
you could keep the noise down.Copy !req
94. Oh. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
95. I didn't realize.Copy !req
96. - That was really sweet of you
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
97. - to bake these for me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
98. Hey,
I have something for you also.Copy !req
99. - Oh, it's so nice. What is it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
100. Well, it's a trophy. See?Copy !req
101. It says "Cunt of the Year."Copy !req
102. That's you.Copy !req
103. You are a nasty woman,Copy !req
104. and bad things are going
to happen to you one day.Copy !req
105. I guarantee it.Copy !req
106. Drop dead.Copy !req
107. Well, there you go. It sounded
like that lady cursed you.Copy !req
108. I don't know. I call old ladies
cunts all the time. We all do.Copy !req
109. - Right.
- That's true.
- No, she brings up a good point.Copy !req
110. - We do. We do.
- I called an old lady
a cunt this morning.Copy !req
111. - See?
- Did you? Yeah.
- I sure did. I sure did.Copy !req
112. - No, I might've done it,
too, actually.
- Honestly,Copy !req
113. for me this raises
an even bigger concern.Copy !req
114. Okay. What's that?Copy !req
115. Dee had no right
to give that trophy away.Copy !req
116. - I mean, we worked very,
very hard on that.Copy !req
117. We did. It's not easy to make.Copy !req
118. - Nobody wanted to do it.
- Plus, she earned it, right?Copy !req
119. - Yeah, you earned it.
- And you earned it.Copy !req
120. And you're just gonna
give it away? I mean...Copy !req
121. Either way,
this is all bullshit anyway,Copy !req
122. because we're not having bad
luck, we're having good luck.Copy !req
123. What about my egg?Copy !req
124. You know what that
might've been?Copy !req
125. Y-You might've gotten cursed
when you killed that seabird.Copy !req
126. - What seabird?
- Oh, I didn't tell you guys
about this? Okay.Copy !req
127. So, the other day, uh, Frank's
making a banana daiquiri.Copy !req
128. Seagull flies
right into the bar.Copy !req
129. - Cheers.
- Yeah. Here you go.Copy !req
130. - It's tasty.Copy !req
131. - Oh, shit.
- What?Copy !req
132. A seagull.Copy !req
133. Whoa.Copy !req
134. Oh, a little birdie.Copy !req
135. Oh, what a sweet little birdie.Copy !req
136. You want some food?
Want some?Copy !req
137. - Whoa! Shit, Frank!Copy !req
138. - Die!
- Ah, Frank. Jesus.Copy !req
139. Come here, you rat, die!Copy !req
140. Ah! Goddamn!Copy !req
141. And die, you fucking seagull.Copy !req
142. Bitch. Fucking cunt.Copy !req
143. Well, it's bad luck if a seabird
flies into a building.Copy !req
144. No, dude. It's bad luck
to kill a seabird.Copy !req
145. Every sailor knows that.Copy !req
146. I don't sail.Copy !req
147. Charlie,
will you stop trying to turnCopy !req
148. our good fortune
into bad fortune?Copy !req
149. All this doom and gloom.
Nobody is cursed.Copy !req
150. Oh, really, Mac?
Because I straight-up heardCopy !req
151. Cricket curse you yesterday.Copy !req
152. All right.
It's time to make goodCopy !req
153. on your end of the bargain, Mac.Copy !req
154. What are you talking about?
I still need proof.Copy !req
155. Oh, come on, man.
Don't start with that.Copy !req
156. - We had—
- Cricket, what are you doing
in here, man?Copy !req
157. That's what I was just saying.Copy !req
158. Cricket, what are you doing
in here?Copy !req
159. What? What-what— No,
we're-we're talking business.Copy !req
160. Business? I'm not doing
business with you, street trash.Copy !req
161. What is your deal, man?
What-what...Copy !req
162. One second you need me,
the next I'm a pile of garbage?Copy !req
163. - Is that what this is?
- Cricket, beat it, man...Copy !req
164. You better beat it or I'm
gonna beat you with my shoe!Copy !req
165. - You know what?
- Get out of the bar, dude.Copy !req
166. You know what? Screw you guys.Copy !req
167. Oh. Hey, Mac.Copy !req
168. A curse on you.Copy !req
169. Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.Copy !req
170. I mean, he-he literally
cursed you, man.Copy !req
171. Now, guys, come on.
We got to take this seriously.Copy !req
172. Like, let's look at this.
Like, uh, Frank.Copy !req
173. Let-Let's do our homework
on sailors' curses.Copy !req
174. Dee, Mac,
go make your apologies.Copy !req
175. I will do nothing of the sort.Copy !req
176. In fact, I am done
listening to this.Copy !req
177. It's irritating, anti-God,Copy !req
178. and most importantly will not
make for good Bar Rescue banter.Copy !req
179. I am leaving.Copy !req
180. Come on, man!Copy !req
181. Charlie, how do you know
all this curse...Copy !req
182. - Stuff?
- Yeah.Copy !req
183. That— I mean, look,
maybe it's real, maybe it's not.Copy !req
184. But, like, look at it this way.Copy !req
185. Like, i-if a black cat
crosses your path,Copy !req
186. do you spit
over your left shoulder?Copy !req
187. - Uh-uh.
- Why would I do that?Copy !req
188. - No.
- You guys don't do that one?Copy !req
189. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
190. Well, I mean, like,
when you're hopefulCopy !req
191. for something, though,
do you knock on wood?Copy !req
192. - Oh, that one. No. No.
- Nah... No.Copy !req
193. I've heard of that one,
but I don't do it.Copy !req
194. Well, do you make a wishCopy !req
195. when you blow out
a damn candle? I mean...Copy !req
196. - Of course we do.
- Yes.
- Ah, yes, that one I do.Copy !req
197. - You know
what I'm talking about.
- Candles, yeah, I like that.Copy !req
198. Well, 'cause I want my wishes
to come true.Copy !req
199. Okay. And why do you do it?Copy !req
200. You do it just in case.Copy !req
201. Just in case it's real, right?Copy !req
202. And "just in case" is
as good a reasonCopy !req
203. to believe in anything as any.Copy !req
204. Hmm.Copy !req
205. This is such a waste of time.Copy !req
206. I got to call a doctor
or something.Copy !req
207. Oh, no, you definitely should.Copy !req
208. I'm pretty sure you have
Bell's palsy.Copy !req
209. I, uh, I looked it up.Copy !req
210. But first you got to apologize
to your neighbor.Copy !req
211. Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?Copy !req
212. Just in ca— No, no.Copy !req
213. I don't believe in
that bullshit. No.Copy !req
214. She's got the trophy.
I want to get the trophy back.Copy !req
215. You had no right
to give that to her.Copy !req
216. I swear to God,
if she doesn't have that thing,Copy !req
217. - I'm gonna paralyze
the other side of your face.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
218. 'Cause I want it.
Come on, that's-that's crazy.Copy !req
219. You-you have to be nominated
for that.Copy !req
220. Hello, um, you don't know me,Copy !req
221. but I'm the brother
of this horrible woman,Copy !req
222. and she just wanted to come by
and tell youCopy !req
223. that she's very...Copy !req
224. Uh, she-she feels—
She, uh...Copy !req
225. Oh, what's the word?Copy !req
226. To make better
the feelings?Copy !req
227. - "Sorry"?
- Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.Copy !req
228. Um... I don't know
what that— Yeah.Copy !req
229. - Yeah.
- Um, and also, she, um...Copy !req
230. She gave you something,
uh, a trophy,Copy !req
231. and-and it was not hers to give.Copy !req
232. Do-do you perhaps
still have that?Copy !req
233. - Yeah, I have it. I'll get it.
- Yeah? Okay, great.Copy !req
234. You know what?
I got to look up some clinics,Copy !req
235. 'cause I really need a doctor
to fix my faceCopy !req
236. before we're on TV.Copy !req
237. - Uh-oh.
- Hmm?Copy !req
238. - Whoa. Did-did you see that?
- What?Copy !req
239. See what?Copy !req
240. Uh, a black cat just ran
out of her apartment.Copy !req
241. - It just...
- I didn't see a cat.Copy !req
242. You kidding me?
It ran right past us.Copy !req
243. Well, that's not good.Copy !req
244. - A black cat?
- Yeah.Copy !req
245. Well, shit. What'd Charlie say
we were supposed to doCopy !req
246. if we saw it?
That's a bad omen.Copy !req
247. Oh.Copy !req
248. - Oh!Copy !req
249. Uh-oh. I got you, didn't I?
Sorry about that.Copy !req
250. - Yes, you did.
- Yeah.Copy !req
251. Boy, that's a shame.Copy !req
252. - Thank you for this, though.
- Yeah.Copy !req
253. Um, listen, um...
Do you have a cat?Copy !req
254. 'Cause I think I just saw one
run out of your apartment.Copy !req
255. - A cat?
- Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?Copy !req
256. I had a little black cat.
Her name was Maureen.Copy !req
257. Whoa.Copy !req
258. But she's been dead for years.Copy !req
259. Huh. That's crazy.Copy !req
260. I was, I was murdered
to a woman named Maureen.Copy !req
261. - Huh?
- Huh?Copy !req
262. No, I meant married.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
263. I was married
to a woman named Maureen.Copy !req
264. I-I...Copy !req
265. That's so weird.
I swear I saw a cat.Copy !req
266. You know what?
This place is full of cats.Copy !req
267. Can we get out of here, please?Copy !req
268. - Yeah, go. Go.
- Okay.Copy !req
269. And please keep
the noise down at night.Copy !req
270. Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.Copy !req
271. Are you sure about this,
Cricket?Copy !req
272. Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.Copy !req
273. I've been greasing the doormen
of this building for years.Copy !req
274. Chase Utley's back in town.Copy !req
275. He's coming out of his apartment
any second now.Copy !req
276. Is it good intel? 'Cause I only
got one good shot at this.Copy !req
277. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
What do I know?Copy !req
278. I'm just a street rat, right?Copy !req
279. I'm just trash.
That's what you said.Copy !req
280. - Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you...
- You've got nothing for me.Copy !req
281. I knew you were gonna be
a little bit ofCopy !req
282. a bitch about this,
so I did something nice.Copy !req
283. - I got you a sixer.
- You got that for me?Copy !req
284. Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy.Copy !req
285. There's only four in here.Copy !req
286. I drank two of 'em, of course.Copy !req
287. Okay. All right. Well,
thank you.Copy !req
288. Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack
and not drink two?Copy !req
289. Well, yeah. That's kind of
the kind thing to...Copy !req
290. But I— Look, um,
thank you for the four.Copy !req
291. If I'm being honest,
I drank four.Copy !req
292. Two of those are piss.Copy !req
293. Because I was stuck in the van,
and you were out...Copy !req
294. You know what,
I don't even care, frankly.Copy !req
295. - I'm just glad
to have a beverage.
- Yeah. All right.Copy !req
296. All right, um...Copy !req
297. - Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?Copy !req
298. - You're off.
- What was that?Copy !req
299. I was, uh, I was lifting
the curse that I put on you.Copy !req
300. Oh. Yeah, no,
I don't believe in curses.Copy !req
301. Yeah, that's anti-God,Copy !req
302. and God is the reason
that all things happen.Copy !req
303. And speaking of
things that happened,Copy !req
304. I got to show you something, Cricks,Copy !req
305. but you got to keep it a secret.Copy !req
306. Something wrong with your dick?Copy !req
307. - What?
- Okay, I was waiting for this.Copy !req
308. If it's your dick, though,
I-I got to charge you for it.Copy !req
309. I'm gonna tell you right now.Copy !req
310. No. It's not my dick, Cricket.Copy !req
311. Well, if-if you're gonna
whip it out, uh,Copy !req
312. we're on the clock.
All right?Copy !req
313. - I'm not whipping anything out!
- There's a tiered system...Copy !req
314. Look. This.Copy !req
315. What? What is that?Copy !req
316. It's a monkey paw,
and I think it's good luck,Copy !req
317. like a rabbit's foot
or something like that,Copy !req
318. 'cause ever since I found it,Copy !req
319. nothing but good things
have happened.Copy !req
320. Uh, sorry, I thought
God was the reasonCopy !req
321. that anything good happens,
et cetera.Copy !req
322. Well, no. God decides
who the good things happen toCopy !req
323. and then who he smites.Copy !req
324. - You're not following.
- I-I can't follow it.Copy !req
325. - Cricket, I'm...
- It makes literally no sense.Copy !req
326. - You got to pick a lane.
- I don't even know why I even...Copy !req
327. - Let's get this open.
I'm feeling curious.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
328. Wait, that's— there he is,
there he is. Okay.Copy !req
329. Let's go.Copy !req
330. - Mr. Utley?Copy !req
331. Mr. Utley?Copy !req
332. Mr. Utley, a moment
of your time, sir.Copy !req
333. Mr. Utley?Copy !req
334. Mr. Utley, hello?Copy !req
335. Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
336. Hey, uh, would you
like an autograph?Copy !req
337. Oh, no. That's a cl—
a classic, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
338. - I-It's me, Mac.
- I don't know a Mac.Copy !req
339. I wrote you a letter every week
for the last ten years.Copy !req
340. Did you not receive my letters?
There was a video.Copy !req
341. A video in response. Wait.Copy !req
342. "Dear Mac, I feel like
I can call you MacCopy !req
343. "because you called me Chase.Copy !req
344. "Thank you for the compliment
on my hair.Copy !req
345. "It's my fourth favorite thing
after baseball,Copy !req
346. "running fast and my dad.Copy !req
347. "I'm sorry your dad
doesn't like you.Copy !req
348. "Maybe you could
become a better son.Copy !req
349. "Meeting you and having
a game of catchCopy !req
350. "sounds like a lot of fun,
but like I said,Copy !req
351. "I'm really busy playing a lot
of baseball for the Phillies.Copy !req
352. "I hope you have a good life.Copy !req
353. "Fans like you make my life
a 'grand slam.'Copy !req
354. Your good friend, Chase."Copy !req
355. - Wait, you're that Mac?
- Yes.Copy !req
356. I thought Mac was a little kid.Copy !req
357. Yes, there's a child. A child...Copy !req
358. A child born unto me.
Little Mac.Copy !req
359. - What?
- He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,Copy !req
360. and you shall have
a catch with him.Copy !req
361. Your hair, it's throwing me.Copy !req
362. It's making me very nervous.Copy !req
363. On the Dodgers, yes,
you were the Silver Fox.Copy !req
364. Philadelphia,
you were just the Fox.Copy !req
365. I don't know, man.
I'm pretty busy.Copy !req
366. Yes, we're all, we're all busy,
but the boy is sick.Copy !req
367. He's very sick.
He's, he's dying.Copy !req
368. He's got leukemia and you shall
have a catch with him.Copy !req
369. - Where's my car?
- I'll tweet that you didn't.Copy !req
370. I'm sorry. I threatened you.Copy !req
371. Now I'm upset and so are you.Copy !req
372. A catch, we shall have?
Later today.Copy !req
373. Okay. Maybe, but for, like,
five minutes tops.Copy !req
374. - Yes. Yes, yes.
- I'm really busy.Copy !req
375. - Mom?Copy !req
376. Hey, can we pick your brain
about something?Copy !req
377. Oh, Charlie, I didn't think
you could make it.Copy !req
378. - Come on in.
- Yeah, shit, I forgot
it's Uncle Jack's birthday.Copy !req
379. Come on in, Charlie.
You can sit next to me.Copy !req
380. Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll
come back later or something.Copy !req
381. No, no, no, no, Charlie.
I want a piece of cake.Copy !req
382. - Come on.
- Oh, do you? Oh, shit.Copy !req
383. Okay, all right, all right.Copy !req
384. - Okay, make a wish.Copy !req
385. Oh, right, right, right.
Okay, you and I hold hands.Copy !req
386. - Nope.
- Okay, ready?Copy !req
387. - All right.Copy !req
388. - Oh!
- Good. All right.
Very good, very good.Copy !req
389. Hey, you want to know
my wish, Charlie?Copy !req
390. - Sure don't, pal.
- Ooh, don't tell him your wish,Copy !req
391. - it won't come true.
- Yeah, there you go.Copy !req
392. - Exactly.
- I made a wish, too.Copy !req
393. How about you and me go on
upstairs with some cake, Bon?Copy !req
394. Hey, Frank, you don't
get a wish, okay?Copy !req
395. - That's not how
birthday candles work.Copy !req
396. - Says who?
- Uh, look, that's not
why we're here!Copy !req
397. Mom, Frank killed a seagull.Copy !req
398. Hey, that's not good, Frank.Copy !req
399. Yeah, we know it's not good,
Uncle Jack. Okay?Copy !req
400. That's why— that's why
we came here, all right?Copy !req
401. Mom, now is that the kind
of thing that could put, like,Copy !req
402. - a curse on Frank?
- Yes.Copy !req
403. They say that a sailor's spirit
lives on in the gulls,Copy !req
404. and if you kill a gull,
the sailorCopy !req
405. can haunt you
for the rest of its life.Copy !req
406. - No shit?
- Yeah, well, is there
anything we can do,Copy !req
407. - or, like...
- Well, you could slit
Frank's throatCopy !req
408. with a horn of a goat
and drink a bowl of his blood.Copy !req
409. What?Copy !req
410. Well, uh, okay, yeah,
maybe not, maybe not that.Copy !req
411. Is, like, there
anything else, or...Copy !req
412. Ooh!Copy !req
413. He could behead the gull
and wear its skullCopy !req
414. around his neck
for the rest of his life.Copy !req
415. Mom, that's not gonna work,
'cause we don't haveCopy !req
416. - the gull anymore.
- Yeah, we do.Copy !req
417. It's at the bar.Copy !req
418. - What? It is?
- Mm, yeah.Copy !req
419. I kicked it under
one of the boothsCopy !req
420. so I didn't have to clean it up.Copy !req
421. Okay, so you're telling me
that you want to wearCopy !req
422. a seagull skull around your neck
for the rest of your life?Copy !req
423. I don't know. Could be cool.Copy !req
424. No, we're not doing that.
That's crazy.Copy !req
425. Mom, anything else?Copy !req
426. You could give the seagullCopy !req
427. a proper burial.Copy !req
428. What? Well, yeah,
that one, Mom. That one.Copy !req
429. Why didn't you lead off with
that one in the first place?Copy !req
430. Well, sometimes
you're at sea, Charlie,Copy !req
431. and you wouldn't
have that option.Copy !req
432. Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?Copy !req
433. - I don't know.
- You don't know if I'm at sea?Copy !req
434. - Oh, okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- You don't, uh— Uncle Jack,Copy !req
435. stop.
Stop putting your hand on me.Copy !req
436. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.Copy !req
437. What are you doing?Copy !req
438. Looking for this.Copy !req
439. What is it?Copy !req
440. Maureen Ponderosa.Copy !req
441. - Well, why do you have that?
- Well, I wanted to keep itCopy !req
442. as a-a-a...Copy !req
443. Oh, a trophy? From the murder.Copy !req
444. No, not a— What?
No, not a trophy.Copy !req
445. I— As— I wanted...Copy !req
446. Like a souvenir
f-from your victim.Copy !req
447. Not a souvenir, no.
It's-it's, a...Copy !req
448. It's a— I wanted to keep it
as a w-way to spite her.Copy !req
449. Which one? Which one's it under?Copy !req
450. - Uh, by the jukebox. Over here.
- Oh— Ah!Copy !req
451. - Over here.
- I see it, yeah.
Let me get a trash bag.Copy !req
452. - Eh.Copy !req
453. - What the hell is that?
- That's the gull Frank killed.Copy !req
454. - All right.
- What's that?Copy !req
455. Oh, that's his dead wife.Copy !req
456. - Yeah.
- Looks like a trophy.Copy !req
457. No, it's not a-a trophy, okay?Copy !req
458. The crazy bitch had it
in her will that she wantedCopy !req
459. to be buried in a pet cemetery,
and I refused.Copy !req
460. Wait a second.Copy !req
461. You refused your wife's
dying wishesCopy !req
462. to be buried in a pet cemetery?
Why would you do that?Copy !req
463. Because she's not a cat.Copy !req
464. Yeah, but, dude, like,
that's-that's the exactCopy !req
465. kind of thing that could
lead to a curse.Copy !req
466. That... I know.Copy !req
467. - I— Yes. Okay, I get that now.Copy !req
468. - This is bullshit, Cricket.
- I don't know what
you're so upset about.Copy !req
469. Y-You said get a kid.Copy !req
470. I mean, his name on the street
is literally "Kid."Copy !req
471. - That's what he goes by.
- He is a grown man.Copy !req
472. I can be whatever
you want me to be, champ.Copy !req
473. - I'll make your dreams
come true.
- Oh, he can.Copy !req
474. - Would you make it—
Do a, do a turn. Do a spin.
- Oh.Copy !req
475. There you go. Make it sexy.
Let's go.Copy !req
476. - Yeah.Copy !req
477. Uh, move the bangs,
put the bangs.Copy !req
478. Show them your face,
show them your face.Copy !req
479. - Yeah. Huh?
- Hey.Copy !req
480. - Get him out of here.
- All right, yeah. You're gone.Copy !req
481. - Uh, here. Go.
- Oh, yeah...Copy !req
482. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
483. Drugs? Mm.Copy !req
484. - No eyes.Copy !req
485. Okay.Copy !req
486. It's all about respect.Copy !req
487. Mac, what the hell is this?Copy !req
488. Um, I believe that Cricket
is now a pimp,Copy !req
489. and that was his boy slut.Copy !req
490. Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.Copy !req
491. But, uh, that's-that's it
in a nutshell.Copy !req
492. No, we got that.
He got, yeah, he means like...Copy !req
493. Yes. I-I mean,
what are you doing with Cricket?Copy !req
494. No, he's got a monkey paw.Copy !req
495. Oh! Come on, Cricket.
That's a secret.Copy !req
496. Oh, I can't keep secret.
Honestly, I'm so high,Copy !req
497. I'm thinking about it,
and I'm gonna goCopy !req
498. with him in the bathroom
and finish up the— Yeah.Copy !req
499. Mac, what's going onCopy !req
500. with the monkey paw?
What is this?Copy !req
501. You know how I've been
chasing Chase UtleyCopy !req
502. for years to have a catch?Copy !req
503. Well, I finally got to him
and we were supposedCopy !req
504. to have a catch tomorrow
with my "dying son."Copy !req
505. Cricket was gonna
help me find one,Copy !req
506. - but he brought back a junkie.
- Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
507. You actually met Chase Utley?
How'd you do that?Copy !req
508. Well, ever since I found
this monkey's paw,Copy !req
509. my luck has totally
turned around.Copy !req
510. Well, actually,
it wasn't just a paw.Copy !req
511. It was a whole monkey behind
the kegs, and he was dead.Copy !req
512. He had this cash in his hand,
and when I wentCopy !req
513. to grab the cash, the whole hand
just, like, kind of popped out,Copy !req
514. and I've been carrying it around
ever since.Copy !req
515. Monkey in the bar,
right? Totally random.Copy !req
516. Wha— That-That's not
random at all.Copy !req
517. That's probably the monkey
that worked here,Copy !req
518. - robbed us and fucked our faces.
- He got stuck
behind the keg.Copy !req
519. - It's behind the kegs?
- Well, actually,Copy !req
520. I found him by the office,
but I kicked him behind the kegsCopy !req
521. because I didn't feel
like cleaning him up.Copy !req
522. - Oh!
- Goddamn it!Copy !req
523. - Well, he is decomposingCopy !req
524. and there's also
a shit-ton of mold back there.Copy !req
525. - Shit, now I smell it.
- I don't know
how I missed that.Copy !req
526. Okay, okay.Copy !req
527. I got a new fix, all right?
I got a new fix for everything.Copy !req
528. We're gonna take, uh, your wife,Copy !req
529. the gull
and what's left of the monkey,Copy !req
530. and we're gonna bury them all
in a pet cemetery.Copy !req
531. And Mac, you are gonna have
a catch with Chase Utley,Copy !req
532. but not with your dying son.Copy !req
533. - Why not?
- 'Cause he's already dead.Copy !req
534. I'm confused.Copy !req
535. This is your son?Copy !req
536. Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
537. I didn't have the heart
to tell you earlier.Copy !req
538. He was only ten years old
when he died. He's dead now.Copy !req
539. Why is he buried
at a pet cemetery?Copy !req
540. Dogs. He loved dogs.Copy !req
541. Okay, man. What is this?Copy !req
542. What's going on?Copy !req
543. I'm sorry, I...Copy !req
544. Look, I know you're
gonna think that this is crazy,Copy !req
545. but I-I found this monkey paw,Copy !req
546. and it's brought me
really good luck.Copy !req
547. And I know that you don't think
superstitions are real,Copy !req
548. and that this is all ridiculous...Copy !req
549. Not real?
Of course they're real.Copy !req
550. - What, really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
551. How do you think baseball
players get out of their slumps?Copy !req
552. With superstitions.Copy !req
553. 'Cause what they believe
influences their actions.Copy !req
554. But actions do have consequences.Copy !req
555. Like lying, Mac.Copy !req
556. Why don't you hand over
that monkey paw?Copy !req
557. You're right.Copy !req
558. You're right, actions
do have consequences, and I...Copy !req
559. I'm really sorry, man,
I think...Copy !req
560. Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!Copy !req
561. What the hell
was that all about?Copy !req
562. I think Chase Utley
just stole my monkey paw.Copy !req
563. Oh. Well, then, maybe
the curse has been lifted.Copy !req
564. - Oh. Right, yeah.
- Uh, hey, guys? Um...Copy !req
565. - Hmm?
- Check this out.Copy !req
566. Okay, so, apparently, um...Copy !req
567. temporary facial paralysis
and brain fogCopy !req
568. are all symptoms of exposure
to high levels of mold.Copy !req
569. - Huh?
- Oh...Copy !req
570. You know what? That might
also explain the silverfish.Copy !req
571. Yeah, no, it does.
Actually, it does.Copy !req
572. They eat mold.Copy !req
573. - Huh?
- And what about my egg?Copy !req
574. Well, is it possible, Frank,Copy !req
575. that that egg was a seagull egg?Copy !req
576. - Oh...
- That might've been,
because, you know what,Copy !req
577. - we found some eggs...
- And we...Copy !req
578. - And you might've mixed them up.
- I might've swapped—Copy !req
579. - mixed them up.
- Yeah, 'cause we had store eggsCopy !req
580. - and we had found eggs.
- You did a flip-flop.Copy !req
581. - You did a flip-flop.
- Yeah, there you go.Copy !req
582. So, the— so, there's no curse.Copy !req
583. Oh, no. Hold on a second.Copy !req
584. "Dear Mr. McDonald,
we regret to inform youCopy !req
585. that we came by your bar
and there was nobody there."Copy !req
586. - Huh?
- "After several failed attemptsCopy !req
587. "to reach you, we have decided
to rescind our offer.Copy !req
588. We wish you the best of luck.
Your friends at Bar Rescue."Copy !req
589. Damn it.
If I had that monkey paw,Copy !req
590. none of this would've happened.Copy !req
591. Yeah, so that means
we are still cursed.Copy !req
592. - Oh, no.
- Shit.
- No, it doesn't, it doesn't!Copy !req
593. We're not— There is no curse.Copy !req
594. Okay? Mac, no,
you were never lucky.Copy !req
595. Okay? You just bombarded them
both with mail.Copy !req
596. And you stalked Chase Utley
for years.Copy !req
597. We're not unlucky, okay?
We're just the type of—Copy !req
598. We're just the type of people
to bury various animalsCopy !req
599. and-and wives in a pet cemeteryCopy !req
600. when we know
we should be at work.Copy !req
601. - Oh, yeah.
- Let's go back to the bar.Copy !req
602. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
603. Uh, what about me?
What about my luck?Copy !req
604. I don't know, Cricks, I guess...
there's no real explanationCopy !req
605. as to why bad things
would happen to you.Copy !req
606. - Yeah.
- You know, it's just one
of those things, Cricket.Copy !req
607. - That's life.
That's life, sometimes.
- Yeah, man.Copy !req
608. - It is what it is.
- You got a dark cloudCopy !req
609. - following you around.
- It is what it is.Copy !req
610. - That's all
there is to it.
- It is what it is.Copy !req
611. - It is what it is.
- Nice day.Copy !req