1. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.Copy !req
2. Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys.Copy !req
3. "Congratulations,
Paddy's Pub.Copy !req
4. "We are pleased to report that
we are interested in featuringCopy !req
5. "your bar on an upcoming
episode of our show.Copy !req
6. "We will be sending a producer
to do a walk-through soon.Copy !req
7. "Warmly, your friends at...Copy !req
8. Bar Rescue!"Copy !req
9. Yes!Copy !req
10. This is like our dreams
come true, right?Copy !req
11. What?
To be on a reality TV show?Copy !req
12. Yeah. Wh—
How did this happen?Copy !req
13. I've been writing them a letter
every weekCopy !req
14. since the show first started.Copy !req
15. - Well, how long's it been?
- Too long.Copy !req
16. I very much do
want to be famous,Copy !req
17. but I don't know if I want to be
on a reality showCopy !req
18. where they try and make us
look like jerks.Copy !req
19. Right.
Right.
Oh, right, yeah.Copy !req
20. 'Cause, like, what
if they, like, edit itCopy !req
21. to, like, make me
look stupid or something?Copy !req
22. Yeah. This is a definite pass
for me. I'm out.Copy !req
23. This could be huge for us.Copy !req
24. What are you guys talking about?Copy !req
25. I'm a little disappointed
that you didn't tell me earlierCopy !req
26. because I would have been
working outCopy !req
27. for weeks in preparation.Copy !req
28. I mean, for God's sakes, man.Copy !req
29. What if, what if
my shirt falls off?Copy !req
30. Yeah, yeah. I'm a little off
my regimen, too.Copy !req
31. Like, I haven't even been doing
any of my...Copy !req
32. - workouts.
- Ever. He never has. Yeah.Copy !req
33. You guys are missing
the bigger picture here.Copy !req
34. I mean, wh-what are the odds
that they would pick our bar?Copy !req
35. This is a million-to-one shot,Copy !req
36. and I've got a really good
feeling about this, guys.Copy !req
37. Things are about to change
here at Paddy's PubCopy !req
38. because our luck
just turned around.Copy !req
39. The second I clean it up,
you're making more crumbs.Copy !req
40. - Stop.
- There should be more crumbs.Copy !req
41. We should put crumbs
all over the goddamn bar.Copy !req
42. Sorry, but, Charlie, why am I
seeing so many silverfish?Copy !req
43. I-I don't know
where they're coming from, man.Copy !req
44. I cannot get rid of them.Copy !req
45. You should not get rid of them.Copy !req
46. Don't you guys understand
what Bar Rescue is?Copy !req
47. These are the exact
kind of thingsCopy !req
48. that John Taffer's gonna come in
and hand our asses to us about.Copy !req
49. Wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
50. No, I don't— I don't want
to have my ass handed to me.Copy !req
51. I mean,
how the bar comes across isCopy !req
52. - a reflection of
how I come across. Okay?
- Yes.Copy !req
53. And I, for one,
don't want to be knownCopy !req
54. as a silverfish man. Okay?Copy !req
55. I want to look good
for the people watchingCopy !req
56. in their...Copy !req
57. Uh... What's the-the thing?Copy !req
58. The-the boxes
that-that people live in?Copy !req
59. You talking about their homes?Copy !req
60. Y— uh, yes, yeah. Their homes.Copy !req
61. Jesus. I couldn't think of
that word. That's so weird.Copy !req
62. Guys, we have a problem.Copy !req
63. But whatever you do,
don't laugh.Copy !req
64. - How are we not supposed
to laugh at that?
- I wouldn't laugh at that.Copy !req
65. This is not funny, all right?
It's not a joke.Copy !req
66. I don't know
what's going on with my face,Copy !req
67. but it's broken or something.Copy !req
68. It's very funny.Copy !req
69. That's really funny.Copy !req
70. - Ah!
- My egg's all bloody.Copy !req
71. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
72. This is bad, dude.Copy !req
73. This is the kind of stuff
that starts happeningCopy !req
74. when someone's
put a curse on you.Copy !req
75. - Curse? What are you
talking about?
- What?Copy !req
76. Let's just stop and think
for a second, okay?Copy !req
77. Like, Dee,
did you have any run-insCopy !req
78. with anyone who might have
put a curse on you?Copy !req
79. I mean, I had
a tiny little issueCopy !req
80. with a neighbor last night.Copy !req
81. Yes!Copy !req
82. Spewing my hate
all over your teenage asses.Copy !req
83. What?Copy !req
84. Banging the goddamn door down.
What?Copy !req
85. Yeah.Copy !req
86. What? Why are you trying
to break my door downCopy !req
87. at 3:00 in the morning?Copy !req
88. I baked you some brownies.Copy !req
89. Why you baking me shit?Copy !req
90. - Trying to poison me?
- No.Copy !req
91. I just wanted to kindly ask if
you could keep the noise down.Copy !req
92. Oh. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
93. I didn't realize.Copy !req
94. - That was really sweet of you...
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
95. - ... to bake these for me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
96. Hey,
I have something for you also.Copy !req
97. - Oh, it's so nice. What is it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
98. Well, it's a trophy. See?Copy !req
99. It says "Cunt of the Year."Copy !req
100. That's you.Copy !req
101. You are a nasty woman,Copy !req
102. and bad things are going
to happen to you one day.Copy !req
103. I guarantee it.Copy !req
104. Drop dead.Copy !req
105. Well, ther
e you go. It sounded
like that lady cursed you.Copy !req
106. I don't know. I call old ladies
cunts all the time. We all do.Copy !req
107. - Right.
- That's true.
- No, she brings up a good point.Copy !req
108. - We do. We do.
- I called an old lady
a cunt this morning.Copy !req
109. - See?
- Did you? Yeah.
- I sure did. I sure did.Copy !req
110. - No, I might've done it,
too, actually.
- Honestly,Copy !req
111. for me this raises
an even bigger concern.Copy !req
112. Okay. What's that?Copy !req
113. Dee had no right
to give that trophy away.Copy !req
114. I mean, we worked very,
very hard on that.Copy !req
115. We did. It's not easy to make.Copy !req
116. - Nobody wanted to do it.
- Plus, she earned it, right?Copy !req
117. - Yeah, you earned it.
- And you earned it.Copy !req
118. And you're just gonna
give it away? I mean...Copy !req
119. Either way,
this is all bullshit anyway,Copy !req
120. because we're not having bad
luck, we're having good luck.Copy !req
121. What about my egg?Copy !req
122. You know what that
might've been?Copy !req
123. Y-You might've gotten cursed
when you killed that seabird.Copy !req
124. - What seabird?
- Oh, I didn't tell you guys
about this? Okay.Copy !req
125. So, the other day, uh, Frank's
making a banana daiquiri.Copy !req
126. Seagull flies
right into the bar.Copy !req
127. - Cheers.
- Yeah. Here you go.Copy !req
128. It's tasty.Copy !req
129. - Oh, shit.
- What?Copy !req
130. A seagull.Copy !req
131. Whoa.Copy !req
132. Oh, a little birdie.Copy !req
133. Oh, what a sweet little birdie.Copy !req
134. You want some food?
Want some?Copy !req
135. Whoa! Shit, Frank!Copy !req
136. - Die!
- Ah, Frank. Jesus.Copy !req
137. Come here, you rat, die!Copy !req
138. Ah! Goddamn!Copy !req
139. And die, you fucking seagull.Copy !req
140. Bitch. Fucking cunt.Copy !req
141. Well, it's bad luck if a seabird
flies into a building.Copy !req
142. No, dude. It's bad luck
to kill a seabird.Copy !req
143. Every sailor knows that.Copy !req
144. I don't sail.Copy !req
145. Charlie,
will you stop trying to turnCopy !req
146. our good fortune
into bad fortune?Copy !req
147. All this doom and gloom.
Nobody is cursed.Copy !req
148. Oh, really, Mac?
Because I straight-up heardCopy !req
149. Cricket curse you yesterday.Copy !req
150. All right.
It's time to make goodCopy !req
151. on your end of the bargain, Mac.Copy !req
152. What are you talking about?
I still need proof.Copy !req
153. Oh, come on, man.
Don't start with that.Copy !req
154. - We had...
- Cricket, what are you doing
in here, man?Copy !req
155. That's what I was just saying.Copy !req
156. Cricket, what are you doing
in here?Copy !req
157. What? What-what— No,
we're-we're talking business.Copy !req
158. Business? I'm not doing
business with you, street trash.Copy !req
159. What is your deal, man?
What-what...Copy !req
160. One second you need me,
the next I'm a pile of garbage?Copy !req
161. - Is that what this is?
- Cricket, beat it, man...Copy !req
162. You better beat it, or I'm
gonna beat you with my shoe.Copy !req
163. - You know what?
- Get out of the bar, dude.Copy !req
164. You know what? Screw you guys.Copy !req
165. Oh. Hey, Mac.Copy !req
166. A curse on you.Copy !req
167. Vos omnes maledicti mille annis.Copy !req
168. I mean, he-he literally
cursed you, man.Copy !req
169. Now, guys, come on.
We got to take this seriously.Copy !req
170. Like, let's look at this.
Like, uh, Frank.Copy !req
171. Let-Let's do our homework
on sailors' curses.Copy !req
172. Dee, Mac,
go make your apologies.Copy !req
173. I will do nothing of the sort.Copy !req
174. In fact, I am done
listening to this.Copy !req
175. It's irritating, anti-God,Copy !req
176. and most importantly will not
make for good Bar Rescue banter.Copy !req
177. I am leaving.Copy !req
178. Come on, man!Copy !req
179. Charlie, how do you know
all this curse...Copy !req
180. - Stuff?
- Yeah.Copy !req
181. That— I mean, look,
maybe it's real, maybe it's not.Copy !req
182. But, like, look at it this way.Copy !req
183. Like, i-if a black cat
crosses your path,Copy !req
184. do you spit
over your left shoulder?Copy !req
185. - Uh-uh.
- Why would I do that?Copy !req
186. - No.
- You guys don't do that one?Copy !req
187. I don't know what that is.Copy !req
188. Well, I mean, like,
when you're hopefulCopy !req
189. for something, though,
do you knock on wood?Copy !req
190. - Oh, that one. No. No.
- Nah... No.Copy !req
191. I've heard of that one,
but I don't do it.Copy !req
192. Well, do you make a wishCopy !req
193. when you blow out
a damn candle? I mean...Copy !req
194. - Of course we do.
- Yes.
- Ah, yes, that one I do.Copy !req
195. - You know
what I'm talking about.
- Candles, yeah, I like that.Copy !req
196. Well, 'cause I want my wishes
to come true.Copy !req
197. Okay. And why do you do it?Copy !req
198. You do it just in case.Copy !req
199. Just in case it's real, right?Copy !req
200. And "just in case" is
as good a reasonCopy !req
201. to believe in anything as any.Copy !req
202. Hmm.Copy !req
203. I got to call a doctor
or something.Copy !req
204. Oh, no, you definitely should.Copy !req
205. I'm pretty sure you have
Bell's palsy.Copy !req
206. I, uh, I looked it up.Copy !req
207. But first you got to apologize
to your neighbor.Copy !req
208. Yeah. Just in case? Hmm?Copy !req
209. Just in ca— No, no.Copy !req
210. I don't believe in
that bullshit. No.Copy !req
211. She's got the trophy.
I want to get the trophy back.Copy !req
212. You had no right
to give that to her.Copy !req
213. I swear to God,
if she doesn't have that thing,Copy !req
214. - I'm gonna paralyze
the other side of your face.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
215. 'Cause I want it.
Come on, that's-that's crazy.Copy !req
216. You-you have to be nominated
for that.Copy !req
217. Hello, um, you don't know me,Copy !req
218. but I'm the brother
of this horrible woman,Copy !req
219. and she just wanted to come by
and tell youCopy !req
220. that she's very...Copy !req
221. Uh, she-she feels—
She, uh...Copy !req
222. Oh, what's the word?Copy !req
223. To make better
the feelings?Copy !req
224. - "Sorry"?
- Sorry. Yes. Goddamn.Copy !req
225. Um... I don't know
what that— Yeah.Copy !req
226. - Yeah.
- Um, and also, she, um...Copy !req
227. She gave you something,
uh, a trophy,Copy !req
228. and-and it was not hers to give.Copy !req
229. Do-do you perhaps
still have that?Copy !req
230. - Yeah, I have it. I'll get it.
- Yeah? Okay, great.Copy !req
231. You know what?
I got to look up some clinics,Copy !req
232. 'cause I really need a doctor
to fix my faceCopy !req
233. before we're on TV.Copy !req
234. - Uh-oh.
- Hmm?Copy !req
235. - Whoa. Did-did you see that?
- What?Copy !req
236. See what?Copy !req
237. Uh, a black cat just ran
out of her apartment.Copy !req
238. - It just...
- I didn't see a cat.Copy !req
239. You kidding me?
It ran right past us.Copy !req
240. Well, that's not good.Copy !req
241. - A black cat?
- Yeah.Copy !req
242. Well, shit. What'd Charlie say
we were supposed to doCopy !req
243. if we saw it?
That's a bad omen.Copy !req
244. Oh.Copy !req
245. Oh!Copy !req
246. Uh-oh. I got you, didn't I?
Sorry about that.Copy !req
247. - Yes, you did.
- Yeah.Copy !req
248. Boy, that's a shame.Copy !req
249. - Thank you for this, though.
- Yeah.Copy !req
250. Um, listen, um...
Do you have a cat?Copy !req
251. 'Cause I think I just saw one
run out of your apartment.Copy !req
252. - A cat?
- Yeah, yeah. A little black cat?Copy !req
253. I had a little black cat.
Her name was Maureen.Copy !req
254. Whoa.Copy !req
255. But she's been dead for years.Copy !req
256. Huh. That's crazy.Copy !req
257. I was, I was murdered
to a woman named Maureen.Copy !req
258. - Huh?
- Huh?Copy !req
259. No, I meant married.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
260. I was married
to a woman named Maureen.Copy !req
261. I-I...Copy !req
262. That's so weird.
I swear I saw a cat.Copy !req
263. You know what?
This place is full of cats.Copy !req
264. Can we get out of here, please?Copy !req
265. - Yeah, go. Go.
- Okay.Copy !req
266. And please keep
the noise down at night.Copy !req
267. Yeah. Okay, you got it, cunt.Copy !req
268. Are you sure about this,
Cricket?Copy !req
269. Yeah, I'm sure about it, man.Copy !req
270. I've been greasing the doormen
of this building for years.Copy !req
271. Chase Utley's back in town.Copy !req
272. He's coming out of his apartment
any second now.Copy !req
273. Is it good intel? 'Cause I only
got one good shot at this.Copy !req
274. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
What do I know?Copy !req
275. I'm just a street rat, right?Copy !req
276. I'm just trash.
That's what you said.Copy !req
277. - Okay, Cricks, I'll tell you...
- You've got nothing for me.Copy !req
278. I knew you were gonna be
a little bit ofCopy !req
279. a bitch about this,
so I did something nice.Copy !req
280. - I got
you a sixer.
- You got that for me?Copy !req
281. Yeah, I got a gift for you, buddy.Copy !req
282. There's only four in here.Copy !req
283. I drank two of 'em, of course.Copy !req
284. Okay. All right. Well,
thank you.Copy !req
285. Oh, I'm gonna buy a six-pack
and not drink two?Copy !req
286. Well, yeah. That's kind of
the kind thing to...Copy !req
287. But I— Look, um,
thank you for the four.Copy !req
288. If I'm being honest,
I drank four.Copy !req
289. Two of those are piss.Copy !req
290. Because I was stuck in the van,
and you were out...Copy !req
291. You know what,
I don't even care, frankly.Copy !req
292. - I'm just glad
to have a beverage.
- Yeah. All right.Copy !req
293. All right, um...Copy !req
294. Dominus espritu sanctum, okay?Copy !req
295. - You're off.
- What was that?Copy !req
296. I was, uh, I was lifting
the curse that I put on you.Copy !req
297. Oh. Yeah, no,
I don't believe in curses.Copy !req
298. Yeah, that's anti-God,Copy !req
299. and God is the reason
that all things happen.Copy !req
300. And speaking of
things that happened,Copy !req
301. I got to show you something, Cricks,Copy !req
302. but you got to keep it a secret.Copy !req
303. Something wrong with your dick?Copy !req
304. - What?
- Okay, I was waiting for this.Copy !req
305. If it's your dick, though,
I-I got to charge you for it.Copy !req
306. I'm gonna tell you right now.Copy !req
307. No. It's not my dick, Cricket.Copy !req
308. Well, if-if you're gonna
whip it out, uh,Copy !req
309. we're on the clock.
All right?Copy !req
310. - I'm not whipping anything out!
- There's a tiered system...Copy !req
311. Look. This.Copy !req
312. What? What is that?Copy !req
313. It's a monkey paw,
and I think it's good luck,Copy !req
314. like a rabbit's foot
or something like that,Copy !req
315. 'cause ever since I found it,Copy !req
316. nothing but good things
have happened.Copy !req
317. Uh, sorry, I thought
God was the reasonCopy !req
318. that anything good happens,
et cetera.Copy !req
319. Well, no. God decides
who the good things happen toCopy !req
320. and then who he smites.Copy !req
321. - You're not following.
- I-I can't follow it.Copy !req
322. - Cricket, I'm...
- It makes literally no sense.Copy !req
323. - You got to pick a lane.
- I don't even know why I even...Copy !req
324. Let's get this open.
I'm feeling curious.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
325. Wait, that's— there he is,
there he is. Okay.Copy !req
326. Let's go.Copy !req
327. Mr. Utley?Copy !req
328. Mr. Utley, a moment
of your time, sir.Copy !req
329. Mr. Utley?Copy !req
330. Mr. Utley, hello?Copy !req
331. Hello. Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
332. Hey, uh, would you
like an autograph?Copy !req
333. Oh, no. That's a cl—
a classic, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
334. - I-It's me, Mac.
- I don't know a Mac.Copy !req
335. I wrote you a letter every week
for the last ten years.Copy !req
336. Did you not receive my letters?
There was a video.Copy !req
337. A video in response. Wait.Copy !req
338. "Dear Mac, I feel like
I can call you MacCopy !req
339. "because you called me Chase.Copy !req
340. "Thank you for the compliment
on my hair.Copy !req
341. "It's my fourth favorite thing
after baseball,Copy !req
342. "running fast and my dad.Copy !req
343. "I'm sorry your dad
doesn't like you.Copy !req
344. "Maybe you could
become a better son.Copy !req
345. "Meeting you and having
a game of catchCopy !req
346. "sounds like a lot of fun,
but like I said,Copy !req
347. "I'm really busy playing a lot
of baseball for the Phillies.Copy !req
348. "I hope you have a good life.Copy !req
349. "Fans like you make my life
a 'grand slam.'Copy !req
350. Your good friend, Chase."Copy !req
351. - Wait, you're that Mac?
- Yes.Copy !req
352. I thought Mac was a little kid.Copy !req
353. Yes, there's a child. A child...Copy !req
354. A child born unto me.
Little Mac.Copy !req
355. - What?
- He's Little Mac, I'm Big Mac,Copy !req
356. and you shall have
a catch with him.Copy !req
357. Your hair, it's throwing me.Copy !req
358. It's making me very nervous.Copy !req
359. On the Dodgers, yes,
you were the Silver Fox.Copy !req
360. Philadelphia,
you were just the Fox.Copy !req
361. I don't know, man.
I'm pretty busy.Copy !req
362. Yes, we're all, we're all busy,
but the boy is sick.Copy !req
363. He's very sick.
He's, he's dying.Copy !req
364. He's got leukemia and you shall
have a catch with him.Copy !req
365. - Where's my car?
- I'll tweet that you didn't.Copy !req
366. I'm sorry. I threatened you.Copy !req
367. Now I'm upset and so are you.Copy !req
368. A catch, we shall have?
Later today.Copy !req
369. Okay. Maybe, but for, like,
five minutes tops.Copy !req
370. - Yes. Yes, yes.
- I'm really busy.Copy !req
371. Mom?Copy !req
372. Hey, can we pick your brain
about something?Copy !req
373. Oh, Charlie, I didn't think
you could make it.Copy !req
374. - Come on in.
- Yeah, shit, I forgot
it's Uncle Jack's birthday.Copy !req
375. Come on in, Charlie.
You can sit next to me.Copy !req
376. Nah, I'm good. Uh, we'll
come back later or something.Copy !req
377. No, no, no, no, Charlie.
I want a piece of cake.Copy !req
378. - Come on.
- Oh, do you? Oh, shit.Copy !req
379. Okay, all right, all right.Copy !req
380. Okay, make a wish.Copy !req
381. Oh, right, right, right.
Okay, you and I hold hands.Copy !req
382. - Nope.
- Okay, ready?Copy !req
383. All right.Copy !req
384. - Oh!
- Good. All right.
Very good, very good.Copy !req
385. Hey, you want to know
my wish, Charlie?Copy !req
386. - Sure don't, pal.
- Ooh, don't tell him your wish,Copy !req
387. - it won't come true.
- Yeah, there you go.Copy !req
388. - Exactly.
- I made a wish, too.Copy !req
389. How about you and me go on
upstairs with some cake, Bon?Copy !req
390. Hey, Frank, you don't
get a wish, okay?Copy !req
391. That's not how
birthday candles work.Copy !req
392. - Says who?
- Uh, look, that's not
why we're here!Copy !req
393. Mom, Frank killed a seagull.Copy !req
394. Hey, that's not good, Frank.Copy !req
395. Yeah, we know it's not good,
Uncle Jack. Okay?Copy !req
396. That's why— that's why
we came here, all right?Copy !req
397. Mom, now is that the kind
of thing that could put, like,Copy !req
398. - a curse on Frank?
- Yes.Copy !req
399. They say that a sailor's spirit
lives on in the gulls,Copy !req
400. and if you kill a gull,
the sailorCopy !req
401. can haunt you
for the rest of its life.Copy !req
402. - No shit?
- Yeah, well, is there
anything we can do,Copy !req
403. - or, like...
- Well, you could slit
Frank's throatCopy !req
404. with a horn of a goat
and drink a bowl of his blood.Copy !req
405. What?Copy !req
406. Well, uh, okay, yeah,
maybe not, maybe not that.Copy !req
407. Is, like, there
anything else, or...Copy !req
408. Ooh!Copy !req
409. He could behead the gull
and wear its skullCopy !req
410. around his neck
for the rest of his life.Copy !req
411. Mom, that's not gonna work,
'cause we don't haveCopy !req
412. - the gull anymore.
- Yeah, we do.Copy !req
413. It's at the bar.Copy !req
414. - What? It is?
- Mm, yeah.Copy !req
415. I kicked it under
one of the boothsCopy !req
416. so I didn't have to clean it up.Copy !req
417. Okay, so you're telling me
that you want to wearCopy !req
418. a seagull skull around your neck
for the rest of your life?Copy !req
419. I don't know. Could be cool.Copy !req
420. No, we're not doing that.
That's crazy.Copy !req
421. Mom, anything else?Copy !req
422. You could give the seagullCopy !req
423. a proper burial.Copy !req
424. What? Well, yeah,
that one, Mom. That one.Copy !req
425. Why didn't you lead off with
that one in the first place?Copy !req
426. Well, sometimes
you're at sea, Charlie,Copy !req
427. and you wouldn't
have that option.Copy !req
428. Do I look like I'm at sea, Mom?Copy !req
429. - I don't know.
- You don't know if I'm at sea?Copy !req
430. You don't, uh—
Uncle Jack, stop.Copy !req
431. Stop putting your hand on me.Copy !req
432. Looking for this.Copy !req
433. What is it?Copy !req
434. Maureen Ponderosa.Copy !req
435. - Well, why do you have that?
- Well, I wanted to keep itCopy !req
436. as a-a-a...Copy !req
437. Oh, a trophy? From the murder.Copy !req
438. No, not a— What?
No, not a trophy.Copy !req
439. I— As— I wanted...Copy !req
440. Like a souvenir,
f-from your victim.Copy !req
441. Not a souvenir, no.
It's-it's, a...Copy !req
442. It's a— I wanted to keep it
as a w-way to spite her.Copy !req
443. Which one? Which one's it under?Copy !req
444. - Uh, by the jukebox. Over here.
- Oh— ah!Copy !req
445. - Over here.
- I see it, yeah.
Let me get a trash bag.Copy !req
446. Eh.Copy !req
447. - What the hell is that?
- That's the gull Frank killed.Copy !req
448. - All right.
- What's that?Copy !req
449. Oh, that's his dead wife.Copy !req
450. - Yeah.
- Looks like a trophy.Copy !req
451. No, it's not a-a trophy, okay?Copy !req
452. The crazy bitch had it
in her will that she wantedCopy !req
453. to be buried in a pet cemetery,
and I refused.Copy !req
454. Wait a second.Copy !req
455. You refused your wife's
dying wishesCopy !req
456. to be buried in a pet cemetery?
Why would you do that?Copy !req
457. Because she's not a cat.Copy !req
458. Yeah, but, dude, like,
that's-that's the exactCopy !req
459. kind of thing that could
lead to a curse.Copy !req
460. That... I know.Copy !req
461. I— Yes. Okay, I get that now.Copy !req
462. - This is bullshit, Cricket.
- I don't know what
you're so upset about.Copy !req
463. Y-You said get a kid.Copy !req
464. I mean, his name on the street
is literally "Kid."Copy !req
465. - That's what he goes by.
- He is a grown man.Copy !req
466. I can be whatever
you want me to be, champ.Copy !req
467. - I'll make your dreams
come true.
- Oh, he can.Copy !req
468. - Would you make it—
Do a, do a turn. Do a spin.
- Oh.Copy !req
469. There you go. Make it sexy.
Let's go.Copy !req
470. Yeah.Copy !req
471. Uh, move the bangs,
put the bangs.Copy !req
472. Show them your face,
show them your face.Copy !req
473. - Yeah. Huh?
- Hey.Copy !req
474. - Get him out of here.
- All right, yeah. You're gone.Copy !req
475. - Uh, here. Go.
- Oh, yeah...Copy !req
476. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
477. Drugs? Mm.Copy !req
478. No eyes.Copy !req
479. Okay.Copy !req
480. It's all about respect.Copy !req
481. Mac, what the hell is this?Copy !req
482. Um, I believe that Cricket
is now a pimp,Copy !req
483. and that was his boy slut.Copy !req
484. Uh, t-that's oversimplifying it.Copy !req
485. But, uh, that's-that's it
in a nutshell.Copy !req
486. No, we got that.
He got, yeah, he means like...Copy !req
487. Yes. I-I mean,
what are you doing with Cricket?Copy !req
488. No, he's got a monkey paw.Copy !req
489. Ugh, come on, Cricket.
That's a secret.Copy !req
490. Oh, I can't keep secret—
Honestly, I'm so high,Copy !req
491. I'm thinking about it,
and I'm gonna goCopy !req
492. with him in the bathroom
and finish up the— Yeah.Copy !req
493. Mac, what's going onCopy !req
494. with the monkey paw?
What is this?Copy !req
495. You know how I've been
chasing Chase UtleyCopy !req
496. for years to have a catch?Copy !req
497. Well, I finally got to him
and we were supposedCopy !req
498. to have a catch tomorrow
with my "dying son."Copy !req
499. Cricket was gonna
help me find one,Copy !req
500. - but he brought back a junkie.
- Wait, wait, wait.Copy !req
501. You actually met Chase Utley?
How'd you do that?Copy !req
502. Well, ever since I found
this monkey's paw,Copy !req
503. my luck has totally
turned around.Copy !req
504. Well, actually,
it wasn't just a paw.Copy !req
505. It was a whole monkey behind
the kegs, and he was dead.Copy !req
506. He had this cash in his hand,
and when I wentCopy !req
507. to grab the cash, the whole hand
just, like, kind of popped out,Copy !req
508. and I've been carrying it around
ever since.Copy !req
509. Monkey in the bar,
right? Totally random.Copy !req
510. Wha— that-that's not
random at all.Copy !req
511. That's probably the monkey
that worked here,Copy !req
512. robbed us and fucked our faces.
He got stuck
behind the keg.Copy !req
513. It's behind the kegs?
Well, actually,Copy !req
514. I found him by the office,
but I kicked him behind the kegsCopy !req
515. because I didn't feel
like cleaning him up.Copy !req
516. - Oh!
- Goddamn it!Copy !req
517. Well, he is decomposingCopy !req
518. and there's also
a shit-ton of mold back there.Copy !req
519. - Shit, now I smell it.
- I don't know
how I missed that.Copy !req
520. Okay, okay.Copy !req
521. I got a new fix, all right?
I got a new fix for everything.Copy !req
522. We're gonna take, uh, your wife,Copy !req
523. the gull
and what's left of the monkey,Copy !req
524. and we're gonna bury them all
in a pet cemetery.Copy !req
525. And Mac, you are gonna have
a catch with Chase Utley,Copy !req
526. but not with your dying son.Copy !req
527. - Why not?
- 'Cause he's already dead.Copy !req
528. I'm confused.Copy !req
529. This is your son?Copy !req
530. Oh, yes, Mr. Utley.Copy !req
531. I didn't have the heart
to tell you earlier.Copy !req
532. He was only ten years old
when he died. He's dead now.Copy !req
533. Why is he buried
at a pet cemetery?Copy !req
534. Dogs. He loved dogs.Copy !req
535. Okay, man. What is this?Copy !req
536. What's going on?Copy !req
537. I'm sorry, I...Copy !req
538. Look, I know you're
gonna think that this is crazy,Copy !req
539. but I-I found this monkey paw,Copy !req
540. and it's brought me
really good luck.Copy !req
541. And I know that you don't think
superstitions are real,Copy !req
542. and that this is all ridiculous...Copy !req
543. Not real?
Of course they're real.Copy !req
544. - What, really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
545. How do you think baseball
players get out of their slumps?Copy !req
546. With superstitions.Copy !req
547. 'Cause what they believe
influences their actions.Copy !req
548. But actions do have consequences.Copy !req
549. Like lying, Mac.Copy !req
550. Why don't you hand over
that monkey paw?Copy !req
551. You're right.Copy !req
552. You're right, actions
do have consequences, and I...Copy !req
553. I'm really sorry, man,
I think...Copy !req
554. Hall of Fame, baby, here I come!Copy !req
555. What the hell
was that all about?Copy !req
556. I think Chase Utley
just stole my monkey paw.Copy !req
557. Oh. Well, then, maybe
the curse has been lifted.Copy !req
558. - Oh. Right, yeah.
- Uh, hey, guys? Um...Copy !req
559. - Hmm?
- Check this out.Copy !req
560. Okay, so, apparently, um...Copy !req
561. temporary facial paralysis
and brain fogCopy !req
562. are all symptoms of exposure
to high levels of mold.Copy !req
563. - Huh?
- Oh...Copy !req
564. You know what? That might
also explain the silverfish.Copy !req
565. Yeah, no, it does.
Actually, it does.Copy !req
566. They eat mold.Copy !req
567. - Huh?
- And what about my egg?Copy !req
568. Well, is it possible, Frank,Copy !req
569. that that egg was a seagull egg?Copy !req
570. - Oh...
- That might've been,
because, you know what,Copy !req
571. - we found some eggs...
- And we...Copy !req
572. - And you might've mixed them up.
- I might've swapped—Copy !req
573. - mixed them up.
- Yeah, 'cause we had store eggsCopy !req
574. - and we had found eggs.
- You did a flip-flop.Copy !req
575. - You did a flip-flop.
- Yeah, there you go.Copy !req
576. So, the— so, there's no curse.Copy !req
577. Oh, no. Hold on a second.Copy !req
578. "Dear Mr. McDonald,
we regret to inform youCopy !req
579. that we came by your bar
and there was nobody there."Copy !req
580. - Huh?
- "After several failed attemptsCopy !req
581. "to reach you, we have decided
to rescind our offer.Copy !req
582. We wish you the best of luck.
Your friends at Bar Rescue."Copy !req
583. Damn it.
If I had that monkey paw,Copy !req
584. none of this would've happened.Copy !req
585. Yeah, so that means
we are still cursed.Copy !req
586. - Oh, no.
- Shit.
- It doesn't!Copy !req
587. We're not— There is no curse.Copy !req
588. Okay? Mac, no,
you were never lucky.Copy !req
589. Okay? You just bombarded them
both with mail.Copy !req
590. And you stalked Chase Utley
for years.Copy !req
591. We're not unlucky, okay?
We're just the type of...Copy !req
592. We're just the type of people
to bury various animalsCopy !req
593. and-and wives in a pet cemeteryCopy !req
594. when we know
we should be at work.Copy !req
595. - Oh, yeah.
- Let's go back to the bar.Copy !req
596. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
597. Uh, what about me?
What about my luck?Copy !req
598. I don't know, Cricks, I guess...
there's no real explanationCopy !req
599. as to why bad things
would happen to you.Copy !req
600. - Yeah.
- Maybe it's just one
of those things, Cricket.Copy !req
601. - That's life.
That's life, sometimes.
- Yeah, man.Copy !req
602. - It is what it is.
- You got a dark cloudCopy !req
603. following you around.
It is what it is.Copy !req
604. That's all
there is to it.
It is what it is.Copy !req
605. It is what it is.
Nice day.Copy !req