It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 16x1

1. Did you ever see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

2. No.

3. The cartoon was excellent, and the movies

4. were even, like, more well-refined.

5. Look at the price of these suckers.

6. Never saw it?

7. What are you guys looking at?

8. Oh, uh, new couches. We got rid of the old one,

9. - but the prices are insane. - Yeah, it's nuts, man.

10. I think we should just rent like we did the last time, you know?

11. Wait, you rented your sofa?

12. Yeah, I mean, all we did was pay the interest.

13. How much was the interest?

14. Oh, it was nothing. It was like 25 bucks

15. - a week. - Yeah. - How long did you have it?

16. - 15 years, bro. - About 15 years, yeah.

17. You spent close to $20,000 on a couch you never owned.

18. - Twenty thou... - No.

19. - Where are you getting that from? - No.

20. 52 weeks a year, $25 a week.

21. 15 years.

22. $19,500.

23. That seems high.

24. That's pretty bad business, fellas.

25. I don't understand why prices are so high right now.

26. - Inflation. - Yeah.

27. - Right, yeah. - Oh, well, right.

28. - Inflation, yeah. - I mean, because of the inflation.

29. You guys do understand what inflation is, right?

30. Inflation? Yeah, yes, absolutely.

31. - Yeah. - Yeah. For the sake of argument...

32. - Yeah. - pretend we don't.

33. Inflation is when the price of goods and services go up.

34. Whoop.

35. - Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

36. Eh?

37. Frank, oh, thank God.

38. Hey, I'm being evicted. The-the landlord,

39. he jacked up my rent and I can't pay.

40. Now, listen, I have glued my hand to the door,

41. so they can't physically remove me.

42. Just a second, Deandra.

43. See, inflation happens when

44. there's more demand than there is supply.

45. - Yes. - Frank, I don't think they're get—

46. You want me to, you want me

47. - to walk 'em through it? - Charlie.

48. Yeah, you shut up, Charlie. You don't understand any of it.

49. That's not true. Dude, I've learned a lot about business

50. living with Frank. You know, I know stuff.

51. Also, speaking of, I got an investment idea

52. - that I'd love to pitch you guys if I-if I—

53. Paddy's.

54. Do not hang up on—

55. Charlie, we don't want to hear it. Frank, keep going.

56. Well, you see, the government tries to curb inflation

57. by raising interest rates,

58. so that people borrow less and spend less.

59. Okay, so if prices are going up, can we get a raise?

60. - No, well, you see,

61. if I raise your wages,

62. - then you'd have more money. - Yeah.

63. And that, in this case, is not good.

64. - No.

65. You know, it would increase inflation.

66. - Yeah? - And we don't want that

67. - to increase, right? - No.

68. So maybe what we would

69. need to do is lower our wages. I get it.

70. But that would cause a recession.

71. Yeah.

72. Which could lead to a depression.

73. - So you can't. - You can't do that.

74. - Which we can't, of course,

75. - Yeah. - take a pay cut.

76. - Right. - Or a raise.

77. - Mm-mm, mm-mm. - Mm-mm, no.

78. That's money talk.

79. Yeah, that's money talk right there.

80. Basically, it boils down to your nut, right?

81. Like, how much, like, nut do you go through a month, right?

82. - Are you storing up your nut or are you just blowing through it? - Exactly.

83. - Like, okay, um, how much nut

84. do you guys blow through in a month?

85. - A ton. - I don't want to talk to you about—

86. Yeah, I figured you were, man.

87. - Yeah. - So, you got, you got to try to

88. hang on to some of that nut. Otherwise it's all gone.

89. But that's the screwy thing about it.

90. - Money isn't as valuable as it always was.

91. - It's totally different. - And money's not as valuable, right?

92. How can the value of money be different?

93. Money is money.

94. - No, a buck is not worth a buck. - No, no.

95. - No, no, it's worth 25 cents right now. - There, yeah.

96. - A dollar is worth 25 cents? - Yeah.

97. Yeah, but I'll give you 50 cents for a buck.

98. Hey.

99. Uh, I think that sounds like a good deal.

100. - Yeah?

101. Huh?

102. Frank, you got to wire me money!

103. They— They're unscrewing my—

104. Okay, you know what? I only have a ten.

105. I'll give you a five.

106. That's money talk.

107. - Let's go. - Nice, nice, yeah.

108. - Deal. - Deal.

109. Uh, Mac, you know, I'm-I'm

110. crunching the numbers over here, and I'm-I'm

111. getting a little concerned about our nut.

112. How much money are you spending

113. on these Dwayne Johnson energy drinks?

114. Quite a bit. I basically live on them now.

115. Maybe you could cut back a little bit.

116. I mean, you don't have to buy everything

117. The Rock tries to sell you, you know.

118. Interesting. What am I looking at here?

119. Come. Have a seat.

120. - Oh. - Oh, shit.

121. - An inflatable couch? - Yeah.

122. It was super cheap, dude.

123. Now, this is just a temporary option

124. until we make enough nut

125. for us to afford an actual couch.

126. - Right. - But it will lower our monthly nut

127. because we're not renting this bad boy.

128. Dennis, we own it.

129. - Oh. - And speaking of nuts,

130. I also purchased these.

131. Okay, went, went real literal with it, didn't you?

132. Yeah, yeah.

133. - Fancy Nuts. - These are very fancy.

134. - Are they? Three dollars? - Yeah, yeah, only-only three dollars.

135. Now, we could live on these bad boys for weeks.

136. Mm-hmm. Well, listen,

137. I don't really have any interest

138. in your, uh, bulk tin

139. of low-end economy nuts,

140. but I am finding this couch idea

141. to be pretty interesting,

142. and it's giving me another idea

143. of how we could possibly

144. "inflate" things a little further.

145. Oh, well, you can't inflate this any further

146. 'cause it'll pop.

147. Just a figure of speech.

148. No, trust me, I-I tried.

149. I-I already popped two of them earlier today.

150. - Did you? - Yeah.

151. - Okay. - I just kept blowing and blowing and blowing,

152. and just— boom.

153. Okay, all right, well, that's okay.

154. You really shouldn't, it's dangerous.

155. - I understand what you're saying. - Okay.

156. I'm serious, Dennis. Don't blow this up.

157. I'm not going to do it.

158. I get what you're saying. It's very clear.

159. Okay.

160. Charlie.

161. Check this out, a new lamp.

162. It looks like an old lamp, but listen—

163. - It's a new lamp. - What's with the lamps, man?

164. You keep coming back with all this junk.

165. - That's like the fifth lamp you've brought back. - Don't worry about it.

166. - Where you want to put it? - I don't know, stick it in

167. the storage closet or something.

168. - Like... - Oh, storage, yeah.

169. Frank, can I talk to you a second

170. about this investment idea I got?

171. - Like, 'cause this is— this— - Oh, whoa.

172. Ah, this— this place is packed.

173. Right, yeah. Don't make a mess. Like, listen, Frank,

174. this could be, like, huge, man,

175. because I've been tracking this thing.

176. It's this, like, like, Internet money kind of situation, right?

177. Wha-What, crypto? I'm not into crypto.

178. Well, it'd be a lot less cryptic

179. if I could show you the video. There's a video that—

180. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What-What's this?

181. Is that a toilet?

182. Uh... yeah.

183. You mean to tell me we've been living here all this time,

184. and you never told me we had a bathroom?

185. It's really, like, noisy.

186. It runs all the time. It's not a good one.

187. We piss in cans, Charlie.

188. You can always go number two down the hall,

189. and, like, it's a good system.

190. What else are you hiding from me?

191. Nothing, Frank.

192. I'm trying to talk to you about business.

193. What's behind that door?

194. That's the neighbor's door. That's why it's all—

195. - Hold this. Hold this lamp. - Stop, Frank.

196. Listen, man, I don't want to have to be

197. constantly cleaning toilets and— Aw, shit.

198. - Holy shit. - Yeah, yeah.

199. What the fuck is this?

200. - Yeah, okay. - Is this a bedroom?

201. Um, I mean...

202. Charlie, you mean we've been living

203. in a two-bedroom with a bathroom,

204. and you never said anything about it?

205. Look, all right, look, I wasn't trying to be crypto about it,

206. it's just, like, Frank, I just never liked

207. sleeping in a room with an empty room behind me.

208. You got to understand that, right? It's creepy.

209. You're supposed to sleep in here.

210. - Yeah, but I just— I n—

211. Great, now someone's at the door.

212. I'm gonna have to walk a mile to get it.

213. This is why you don't want all this space, Frank.

214. - Yes, I'm coming, I'm coming.

215. All right. Jesus.

216. I need a place to stay. Let me talk to Frank.

217. - What's on your hand? - It's a piece of a door.

218. - Move past it. Frank! - He can't hear you,

219. he's in the other room, okay?

220. What? What other room?

221. Frank! Dee's here!

222. I mean, I'm gonna have to get, like, an intercom

223. on the wall or something.

224. - It's just totally nuts. - What? What is going on over here?

225. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just—

226. - Holy shit, Charlie. - Yeah.

227. This is tits. Why don't you use this room?

228. I like to keep my life simple.

229. I don't want to live in a maze, you know?

230. No. I don't know. Can I sleep in here?

231. Absolutely not. Don't think about that.

232. - Someone's at the door again.

233. Okay? I'm gonna have to walk another mile.

234. This is crazy. I mean, I'm gonna have to get a butler.

235. - I'm coming, hang on.

236. - What? - Where's Frank?

237. - Why? - We don't have to tell you our business.

238. Fine, whatever. He's in the other room.

239. What other room?

240. The other room over there, man.

241. That's where he is.

242. You have another room here?

243. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got another room.

244. - What the hell, dude? - What's going on?

245. I mean, we're gonna blow our shoes out

246. with all this walking, man.

247. Holy shit.

248. - What the hell? - I mean, Charlie,

249. have you always had this?

250. Yeah, it's not a big deal.

251. How is this not a big deal?

252. Wait, so you truly have no reason

253. to be sleeping with Frank.

254. Move past it, dude. Move past it, man.

255. I will move past it

256. because I really, ultimately, don't give a shit.

257. Frank, listen,

258. we have an incredible business opportunity

259. we want to talk to you about.

260. All right, well, let's talk turkey.

261. What, you're gonna listen to their idea over mine, dude?

262. L-Look, the two of you, get out of here.

263. I need the office. Get out.

264. Oh, now it's an office? It's an office now?

265. Oh, that's great. I mean, are we even zoned for that?

266. - I'll come back tonight.

267. - Yeah, so, uh, what do you think, Frank?

268. Good, good. It's got a nice squeak to it.

269. Yeah, it does have a nice squeak to it, doesn't it?

270. Hey, uh, Mac, you almost done with that one over there, bud?

271. Yeah, just finishing up. And I am

272. good.

273. That's a lot of blowing.

274. Now, Frank,

275. would you like to start this meeting off

276. with a Fancy Nut?

277. What happened to your lips?

278. Huh?

279. What happened to your lips?

280. Oh, this mu— must be from the plastic.

281. It's, uh, it's probably from all the blowing.

282. - Blowing.

283. The pla— the plastic on these

284. is a little bit irritating.

285. It's not the pla— No, that's not what it is.

286. That's not what it is.

287. That is rancid.

288. Did you g— Did you get a bad one?

289. Well, they're all bad. Do not eat them.

290. Okay? Either of you.

291. Now, Frank, as we all know,

292. we're living in a time of inflation.

293. But...

294. is inflation such a bad thing?

295. Or are things

296. better inflated?

297. Take it.

298. Take a look at that lookbook there.

299. Turn to the first page, you'll see, uh...

300. Hello.

301. Yeah.

302. Kim Kardashian's backside, the early years.

303. Now, if you turn to the next page...

304. - Oh. - Yeah.

305. - Ooh. Ooh. - Yes. Yes.

306. As the years have gone by,

307. her backside has gotten bigger and bigger. It's inflated.

308. I think what you'll find

309. most interesting is that the Kardashians' net worth

310. has inflated in direct proportion to their booties.

311. What did he say?

312. I'm saying that the Kardashians'

313. - No, no, Mac, Mac, please. - backsides...

314. Just let me.

315. Let me, okay? Okay, uh, Frank,

316. we would like for you to, um,

317. inject some capital into our inflatable furniture...

318. I'm in. Yeah.

319. - You're in? - Yeah.

320. You— Oh, really?

321. You-you don't need to hear the whole pitch?

322. Nah, I'll give you the money,

323. but it's a loan, and you got to pay me back with interest.

324. - Oh, we like interest. That's great. - Yeah, no problem.

325. And I want to keep the furniture for the room.

326. You want to keep this? Yeah, sure.

327. And I want to keep the book for...

328. other reasons.

329. Yeah, we-we-we figured

330. - you'd want to... - Oh, okay, yeah, you're gonna...

331. It's crazy. I can be, like, a good businessman.

332. You know, I don't know why he doesn't take me seriously.

333. It's like, do you have any idea how much time

334. I've spent, like, tracking and researching the price

335. - of this online currency? - That's got to be maddening.

336. Did you glue your hand to my door?

337. - Yeah, I did. - Why?

338. Well, it's a new form of protest, Charlie.

339. People are doing it to, you know,

340. call attention to injustices or some shit.

341. I don't know. Either way, I'm locked in.

342. Uh, boom.

343. Just like that, we are in business.

344. He went with your idea?

345. Of course he did, Charlie,

346. we are savvy businessmen.

347. What's going on with Mac's lips?

348. I-I don't know, they're insane. It's-it's...

349. I think a little bit of the plastic is, uh, just—

350. Probably from all the blowing he's been doing.

351. He's been making homophobic jokes for the—

352. Not homophobic.

353. Uh, FYI,

354. Frank, uh, does not want to be bothered

355. in there for a little bit, you know,

356. he's-he's... Well, you know.

357. - He's jacking off into a magazine. - Right.

358. Aw.

359. Oh.

360. Look, Charlie, I can tell you're mad.

361. Well, it's just like, I don't get it, man.

362. It's like, why do you believe in Mac and Dennis over me?

363. Look, Charlie, I'm not investing in them

364. because I believe in them.

365. I'm investing in them because I don't believe in them.

366. They're gonna be paying me money for the rest of their lives,

367. like that stupid couch.

368. - Well, then you're just, like, being a predator. - Exactly.

369. Well, it's not a compliment, Frank.

370. You know what?

371. I can't deal with this.

372. I'm going to go sleep in the other bedroom, all right?

373. What? And just leave me here, all alone?

374. Yes, yes.

375. I'm still here, goddamn it.

376. Charlie, can you please unglue me?

377. I got to go to the new bathroom.

378. No, Dee, you did this to yourself.

379. I will glue a pillow to the wall, though.

380. - I don't want to be a bad host. - Oh, yeah?

381. You know what, man? This was a mistake.

382. I-I can't sleep.

383. Oh, yeah, yeah.

384. You're upset and concerned

385. that we got rid of our furniture too soon.

386. Nope, that's not it.

387. Is it the business plan?

388. You're afraid it's not gonna work?

389. That's also not it.

390. - Then what? - It's your goddamn wheezing.

391. Am I wheezing?

392. Are you wheezing? You sound insane.

393. Are you allergic to those nuts?

394. No. It's not the nuts.

395. I— It's— I, uh— I think it's from blowing up those—

396. No. Okay, also, I feel

397. like I'm sleeping in a tub of nuts here, man.

398. - Can you stop eating them in bed?

399. - It's Charlie! Open up— oh. - Oh, Charlie's here.

400. - Stop eating the nuts. - It's unlocked.

401. You should lock your door.

402. Look, I need a place to stay.

403. - No room. - What?

404. - We don't have - He's-he's—

405. any room.

406. He's saying we don't have any room.

407. But, uh, well, hey, I can, I can blow up my own bed

408. and I can deflate it in the morning.

409. I'll inflate it, I'll deflate it.

410. It'll be like I was never here.

411. Plus, I brought my own nuts.

412. Are they fancy?

413. What? What-what is he saying?

414. Are they Fancy Nuts?

415. He wants to know if they're fancy.

416. Well, some are, yeah. It's an assortment.

417. Consider it an offering.

418. Of war?

419. Of peace. What is going on with you, dude?

420. He's allergic to nuts, okay? I think he's gonna die.

421. I'm not allergic to nuts.

422. The point is, Charlie, we can't swing it.

423. Well, I have information about Frank

424. that you guys might like to hear for your business.

425. - Fine. Tell us. - Have-have a seat.

426. Okay.

427. Here's how this works.

428. Cut me in on your operation,

429. and I'll give you the information.

430. See? I am a pretty good businessman after all.

431. Okay, Charlie, you're just trying to bribe us,

432. and bartering with nuts that you probably foraged from a tree.

433. Mmm, some are from a tree, yes.

434. A fancy tree?

435. One of the fanciest, Mac.

436. Which one?

437. You ever have a pine nut?

438. - Just give us the information, please. - Which one is—

439. Fine.

440. But first I want you guys to hear about my business idea.

441. No. You can stay here one night, okay?

442. But I don't want to hear your goddamn business idea

443. 'cause I don't care. Now tell us the Frank thing.

444. Fine.

445. Frank only lent you guys the money

446. 'cause he thinks you're gonna fail.

447. In fact, he wants you to fail.

448. See, he's what you would call a predatory lender,

449. and he's simply taking advantage of you guys.

450. - Son of a bi— Son of— - Okay, okay.

451. - All right, stop-stop talking. - Son of a bitch.

452. - Just stop-stop talking. I get it. - Frank.

453. This is a classic inflation-interest play.

454. But I'll tell you something,

455. Frank's not the only one

456. who can be a predatory lender.

457. I say we pivot.

458. I say we don't sell people these inflatables.

459. We rent them to them.

460. Well... he's hanging on.

461. Doesn't sound like it.

462. Ow, ow.

463. Rise and shine, Dee.

464. - What time is it? - It's 4:00 in the morning.

465. We got to go. We got work to do.

466. Just grab anything small.

467. Lamps are good 'cause they're easy to run with.

468. Hold on a second. Are we robbing this place?

469. - Huh? - Hey!

470. What the hell are you doing?

471. You haven't paid your rent

472. in three months, you deadbeat.

473. You can't come in here and take my shit.

474. Oh, you want it back? Well, then pay your rent.

475. I'm getting my gun.

476. Go for it, bitch! We got bulletproof vests on!

477. Oh, no, I don't. I don't have a bulletproof vest.

478. Relax, these guys are always bluffing. Grab stuff.

479. Frank, no. What is happening? You're a slumlord now?

480. Yes, I collect on these guys,

481. and if they don't pay,

482. I throw 'em out on the street, like I did you.

483. What? You're my landlord?

484. Yeah, I got tired of paying your rent all those years,

485. so I bought the building.

486. Why did you raise the rent?

487. Inflation. I got to increase my nut.

488. - Goddamn it. - Oh, he's hot.

489. Oh, shit.

490. Relax, they never shoot.

491. Ah, time to go.

492. Pay your rent, you deadbeat.

493. Dennis, it's, like, a little too windy.

494. I feel like we got to weigh all this stuff down, man.

495. Nah, it's fine, it's fine.

496. Also, I got to talk to you about this Internet money, dude,

497. because this guy does not know what he's sitting on, man.

498. - He's a chump, dude, it's— - Charlie, Charlie.

499. Stop trying to talk business, all right?

500. - It's just not your strong suit, all right? - Yeah, yeah. Okay.

501. Oh, here comes a customer. Here, let me do the talking.

502. Hi, sir. Hi, how are you today?

503. It's a lovely day, isn't it?

504. - A little windy. - A little breezy, yeah.

505. Yeah, a little breezy. But, uh, anyway,

506. are you here to buy some furniture?

507. Yes, I am.

508. - Okay, great. - Good, good.

509. Hey, listen, what if I told you

510. you could get your furniture for free?

511. Yeah, see, times are very inflatable right now, okay?

512. Yeah, stop, stop.

513. Have you ever considered owning an inflatable couch?

514. Oh, yeah, I don't have a pool, so...

515. - A pool? - Yeah, for the...

516. - Oh, no, no, no, I see, I see the confusion. - Oh-oh.

517. - No, we're talking about for inside. - Yeah, inside your house.

518. Oh. What?

519. - Like, how much do you currently rent your couch for? - Yeah.

520. I-I don't rent my couch.

521. What?

522. You pay full price for your couch?

523. That's outrageous.

524. - Oh, shit. - Oh, no.

525. - Goddamn it. - Yeah.

526. I'm telling you, man, you have got to go to the hospital.

527. Oh, and spend the remainder of our nut on medical bills?

528. I don't think so, Dennis.

529. I'll simply stop blowing up the furniture.

530. It is not the furniture, Mac. Okay? It is the nuts.

531. Dee, what the hell are you doing here?

532. Guys, I have information

533. that will change the course of your company,

534. and I will tell you what it is if you let me stay here.

535. Yeah, no, Charlie already tried that shit.

536. - I did that move, yeah. - Yeah.

537. He, he did this.

538. Yeah. Uh, Dee, why are you gluing your hand to the wall?

539. - I mean, it's no way to solve a problem. - Yeah.

540. Yeah, guys, please,

541. I have a solution to all of our problems,

542. but you got to let me talk, okay?

543. Now, you guys are all completely over-leveraged,

544. and that's the problem, right? My investment,

545. this thing was only, like, ten dollars a unit,

546. then it, like, dropped down to basically nothing,

547. because it's a speculative market, right?

548. I'm making a bet that the SEC's not gonna regulate.

549. Of course, regulation's gonna come in at some point,

550. it always does, but right now it's completely unregulated.

551. Now, I'm not talking about getting out over our skis,

552. I'm just talking about making an investment tonight,

553. turn it around tomorrow— we'll net double.

554. Holy shit.

555. - That's money talk. - Yeah.

556. - That's money talk. - Where did you learn to talk like that?

557. Living with Frank, man. I've been trying to tell you

558. that I'm picking up on this stuff. So, look, guys,

559. let's pool all of our remaining nut together

560. and turn it into a big pile of green,

561. and then everybody gets a taste.

562. Okay, I didn't love the sound of that, but, uh...

563. Was it unclear? I was talking about, like,

564. a huge pile of green, like, and everyone is, like,

565. - Money talk? - slurping that shit down.

566. Let's do it.

567. - Bam. - Oh, wow.

568. - I've got a lot of questions. - Yeah, me, too.

569. Sure, sure. Go ahead.

570. Now, Charlie, did you take...

571. all of my money...

572. - Mm-hmm. - and invest it in a box

573. full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies?

574. Yes. Very good, Dennis. Very good.

575. I wasn't sure you knew what they are.

576. Yeah, so these are, like, from 1991.

577. These are the original ones, right?

578. Super hard to find, super valuable, super rare.

579. - Are they? - Oh, dude, big time. Right? So, here's what I'm thinking.

580. Could we turn these around tonight

581. and make a little profit? Sure, but I say

582. we sit on them. Maybe we eat one or two.

583. This is exactly what I was worried about.

584. Well, you're not thinking big picture here.

585. - No, I'm thinking big pic— - All right, loan's due.

586. First installment.

587. And I'm armed

588. and I got a vest, so don't try nothing.

589. What do you got there?

590. 1991's delicious cream-filled

591. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pies,

592. fresh from the sewers to me.

593. Are they made from real turtle?

594. Probably.

595. How much you want for 'em?

596. They're not for sale, Frank.

597. Uh, mine... mine are for sale.

598. I own some of those, and mine are definitely for sale.

599. He has a very minimal share, Frank.

600. Ah.

601. Market dictates the value, Charlie.

602. Well...

603. not when your demand is more than

604. the supply.

605. Fine, I'll get 'em somewhere else.

606. Will you?

607. Oh, I don't think so, Frank.

608. Oh... uh-oh.

609. 'Cause I bought the last remaining ones there are.

610. No...

611. Nice work.

612. And you kept it crypto.

613. You should have listened to me, Frank.

614. Fine.

615. Name your price.

616. Board up that new room and the noisy toilet,

617. forgive Mac and Dennis's loan,

618. give Dee her apartment back,

619. and return everything to the status quo.

620. That's too big a ask.

621. That's inflation, Frank.

622. You want the pies or not?

623. Fine. Done.

624. Good work, Charlie.

625. Thank you very much, Frank.

626. I appreciate it.

627. Are you still eating the nuts?

628. Hmm?

629. Does he want to get to the hospital or to Costco?

630. - Costco. - He wants more nuts.

631. Costco, yeah.

632. You know what, buddy? I think we'll take you

633. to the hospital, and they'll have nuts, and you can...

634. you can die there.