It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 15x7

1. Dennis.

2. Wake up, buddy.

3. Smell the stew, okay?

4. Breathe in the arousing aromas

5. of this delicious st— Ah, screw it.

6. What the hell was that? That's hot as shit.

7. Yeah, yeah, that's a whole bowl of stew

8. you took right in the grill.

9. See? It does wake people up.

10. Why am I in a hospital?

11. And why is your head still on? Did they reattach it?

12. Left the skin pretty loose, I see.

13. You didn't behead me, you stupid idiot.

14. You had a 105-degree fever,

15. and you were hallucinating.

16. You were too weak to even lift the ax.

17. You did collapse and shit yourself

18. and stink up the whole castle.

19. You know, Dee, I, uh...

20. I'm starting to think I might have had COVID.

21. - Oh, yeah? You think? - Yeah.

22. Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

23. What is that?

24. - It's stew. What's the update, man? - Stew.

25. Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

26. Uh, outraged, violated,

27. disgusted at the looseness of my sister's neck,

28. covered in stew,

29. dragged from my castle to a dingy hospital

30. where I'm about to be saddled with an enormous bill.

31. Well, there is no bill. It's free.

32. Ireland has public health care.

33. Oh, well, then that'll be fine.

34. It's free, huh?

35. Well, then maybe I ought to get my neck done.

36. Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

37. Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one

38. about the hot Irish doctor who has a fling

39. with the hilarious American tourist?

40. 'Cause I could give you the punch line

41. over drinks tonight, my place.

42. Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

43. - Tonight it is. Tonight it is.

44. Looks like mama's about to have

45. a little of the old luck of the Irish.

46. You know, I'm just so glad you're feeling better,

47. Dennis, I really am.

48. Now, a couple quick things about the castle,

49. I do need you to clear out of here for the night.

50. - What? - Mm.

51. Dee, I haven't even begun to do half the things

52. I want to do with this castle.

53. - Now you're asking me to leave? - Yeah.

54. - Oh, Christ!

55. Frankenstein in the house.

56. - Christ. What is this? - What are you doing?

57. Just want to reconnect with my kids.

58. Not you so much, more Dennis.

59. Like, you know, father-son thing.

60. I mean, you know, it's one of the strongest bonds there is.

61. - Come on. Give me a kiss. - What are you doing?

62. - A kiss? No! - Come on, give me a... lean down, give me a kiss.

63. Give your daddy a kiss.

64. No, no! God. Get your lips away from me, Frank.

65. What?

66. - Cut the bullshit. What's your angle? - What are you doing here?

67. Charlie's got a new dad.

68. A-a new dad?

69. - Weird. - Yeah.

70. I want to humiliate the jerk.

71. I want to send his Irish ass packing.

72. - He's jealous. - Yeah.

73. Okay, well, listen, I-I don't have any interest in the, uh,

74. interpersonal dynamics between an old man

75. and his roommate/surrogate adult son,

76. but if we can incorporate

77. the castle into it in some way, then I'm in.

78. - Done. No.

79. - No. - Yes.

80. Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.

81. This trip has been absolutely ruined because of you, okay?

82. And I have one chance tonight to have a good time in Ireland,

83. so here is what is going to happen,

84. I'm going to go down to the bog, I'm going to gather peat moss

85. to burn it to try and get rid of the shit smell

86. that Dennis stunk up the castle with.

87. Do not be here when I get back.

88. Cool.

89. She's...

90. - Bent out of shape. - Yeah.

91. Well... just me and you, huh?

92. - Yeah.

93. It's a little odd being one on one, though, you know.

94. I feel, I feel like we usually have a buffer.

95. Yeah.

96. Yeah.

97. So, Mac,

98. when did you hear the call to become a priest?

99. Oh, when God took away my Irish identity

100. and made me Dutch to smite me for the urges that He gave me

101. when I made the original sin of being born.

102. That's not the way God works, Mac.

103. He doesn't smite us.

104. Yes, He does. Yes, He does. Remember the flood

105. that took out the whole world?

106. Remember? Then-then-then Noah made that ark,

107. and he saved himself but no women,

108. - which was really cool.

109. Not sure how he made more people after that, though.

110. Could've been another rib situation.

111. Either way, then God made the Ark of the Covenant

112. where he promised to never, ever do it again.

113. Then a bunch of people looked at it.

114. He didn't like that, so he blasted them, too.

115. Remember, the Nazis got their faces all melted off,

116. and the-the guy with the whip and the hat, he was cool.

117. I think you've mixed that story up with Indiana Jones.

118. Oh. I did?

119. - Yeah, but listen... - Oh.

120. many of the stories in the Bible are metaphors.

121. Parables with lessons.

122. What's the lesson of the last one? Don't look at my shit?

123. Look, you're looking at this all wrong.

124. The Bible is a guidepost.

125. Interpretations can change over time.

126. They can?

127. Yes, and so can the Church.

128. Our God, the God we teach here,

129. is a merciful God.

130. One that loves us for exactly who we are.

131. Otherwise, why would He have made us that way

132. in the first place?

133. Yeah.

134. Yeah. Wow.

135. Thanks, Gus.

136. That's John Patrick Kelly.

137. Killed by the plague.

138. And his son William, also the plague.

139. And Michael Kelly.

140. He was attacked by the village loon,

141. became a loon himself.

142. He died from eating rocks, which he thought were eggs.

143. Oof. Yeah, I've made that mistake, yeah.

144. So, are all the Kellys buried here?

145. Uh...

146. Honored, yes. Buried, no.

147. They were all thrown from a cliff into the sea.

148. You see, legend has it

149. that only when a man is thrown from a cliff into the sea,

150. may his soul be released.

151. - Huh. - When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

152. All Kelly men must be thrown from a cliff into the sea.

153. Wow.

154. - That's pretty cool. - Yeah.

155. Yeah. What about the women?

156. Oh, the women are thrown from a cliff as well.

157. Mostly alive.

158. Just to see if they can fly,

159. as they're presumed to be witches.

160. Right. Right.

161. Well, we... we honor their spirits.

162. Ah, yes, their spirits watch over us. The men, that is.

163. Ah.

164. The women roam the land

165. as terrible hags and banshees

166. whose wailing warns of impending death.

167. If you ever see

168. a gruesome woman

169. covered in filth

170. with long, stringy hair,

171. who's horribly shrieking

172. in the night,

173. the end is near.

174. Whoa.

175. I mean, how am I supposed to know what peat is?

176. What am I, a botanist?

177. Hey-o. I'll burn you.

178. Be like lighting a match. That works.

179. - Oh.

180. Hey-o. That's my guy.

181. A selfie, huh? You got it.

182. Oh, goddamn it.

183. Dennis got me all worked up about my neck.

184. Here.

185. I mean, that's just insane.

186. Maybe if I stand back a little bit.

187. Let's see here.

188. - Oh!

189. Ew.

190. Oh, shit.

191. Oh... Help!

192. Dennis!

193. Um, I...

194. This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck.

195. Am I sinking?

196. Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

197. Yes.

198. Yes.

199. You're right.

200. Huh? Who you talking to?

201. Hmm? Oh, uh, nothing. It's just the-the castle.

202. The castle?

203. - Oh. - Yeah, don't worry about it.

204. - Yeah, no. - Okay, we've got it.

205. - What? - It'll be a dinner.

206. - Hmm? - A banquet of humiliation.

207. Wait a minute. The old turd in the soup trick.

208. - What? No. We're not... - Turd in the soup.

209. We're not putting a turd in someone's soup, Frank, okay?

210. Can we be a little bit more sophisticated than that?

211. All right, so you invite them to a classy dinner.

212. You wine and dine the man

213. while also pointing out all of his character flaws,

214. and then you lure him over

215. to the castle's murder hole.

216. Is that like a-a glory hole?

217. A predecessor to the glory hole, perhaps.

218. It's a discreet opening concealed in plain sight,

219. except, instead of for sex,

220. it's used for murder.

221. - You didn't see that there, did you? - No.

222. No. Yeah, so you'll

223. lure him under the hole,

224. where I will, uh, douse him with boiling oil

225. or hot tar or really any scalding substance.

226. Wait, you're gonna char the guy?

227. Yeah.

228. - Gonna char him up? - Yeah.

229. I'm not gonna kill him or anything, but it's-it's

230. got to be hot enough to be annoying as shit, right?

231. - You know what I mean? - Yeah. Burn him.

232. Uh, he's gonna get burned.

233. But, I mean, Charlie's got to see him lose his cool,

234. so we can expose him

235. as the child-abandoning monster that he really is.

236. - Exactly. - Oh, FYI,

237. I'll know exactly when to pour the boiling substance on him

238. because I'm going to be hiding in this passageway here.

239. I'm gonna take this painting,

240. cover up the passageway.

241. I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes

242. so I can see everything that's happening.

243. That's something I've always wanted to do,

244. and it fully takes advantage of the castle.

245. It also happens to be the castle's preference

246. for how this is all gonna go down.

247. - Oh, right. - Yeah.

248. Wow. I wouldn't have been able

249. to think of this all by myself. I...

250. I mean... You know,

251. the sickness and anger inside of you is diabolical.

252. - Way to go, son. - Well...

253. I suppose all of your years of neglect

254. and misdeeds

255. have allowed me to harness the darkness inside me

256. and to unleash it

257. without conscience, so...

258. Yeah, perhaps I owe you a...

259. thanks for making me the man I am today, Frank. Thank you.

260. You're welcome.

261. Yeah, y... Maybe I'll just, um...

262. - There. - Oh.

263. Was that okay to do?

264. Yeah, it was nice.

265. Good.

266. So, you're telling me

267. that the whole Cain and Abel thing

268. didn't actually happen?

269. Metaphor.

270. This is all so confusing.

271. Yes, look...

272. Our faith is... it's complicated.

273. Can I admit something?

274. You said you were, you were born a certain way.

275. - You're... different. - Mm-hmm.

276. You have urges that, traditionally,

277. the Church has been very clear about.

278. Well...

279. I have those urges, too.

280. - You do? - Yes.

281. I, too, have an eye for the lads.

282. It's not uncommon. There's nothing wrong with it.

283. It's who He made us.

284. But, uh, our path,

285. this path, is very clear.

286. We must never act on those urges.

287. That's gonna be really hard for me.

288. That's what he said.

289. That's-that's really good.

290. Thank you. I'm sorry.

291. It just slipped out.

292. - That's what he said.

293. Shh! Shh.

294. Sorry.

295. Sorry.

296. Help!

297. Oh, God, help.

298. Hello? - Hello!

299. - Hello? - H-Hello!

300. - Hello... - W-W-Waitress?

301. Oh... my God.

302. What the hell are you doing out here?

303. What are you doing out here with a toiletry bag?

304. Are you gonna brush your teeth in a stream or something?

305. No. I was gonna shave my legs.

306. Ew. Gross.

307. Um, hey, can you help a girl out and then get me of this bog?

308. Are you stuck in there?

309. Yeah.

310. - I know.

311. I also seem to be sinking.

312. - And, uh... I know. - Uh-oh.

313. And I-I-I have a date tonight

314. with a real hot Irish doctor.

315. Is he meeting you here, or...?

316. You got me. No, no. He's meeting me out there.

317. - I bet. - So that's why I want

318. to get out of here. I also don't want to die,

319. but, either way, could you p— just give me a big tug,

320. and I bet you could get me out.

321. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here. I got you. Let me just...

322. You're a livesa... - Grab my hand, and I'll— Psych!

323. - "Psych"?

324. - Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you. - Okay.

325. - Psych! - Oh...

326. Two times.

327. - I will get you. - Hey, uh, well, just quick tip

328. for you, nobody does "psych" anymore. It's kind of dumb.

329. - Oh, do they not? - Nah, it's not funny, it's dumb.

330. - I feel like it's classic. I-I got you. - Oh, you got me.

331. - You got me. I got you, and you got me. - I got you.

332. Okay.

333. It's fun. All right, here we go. Psych!

334. Oh, my God. Just— Come on. Knock it off.

335. Cut the shit. Get me out of here.

336. I will, I will, I will. All you have to do is one thing.

337. Yes. Great. What?

338. Say my name.

339. Hmm?

340. Just say my name. What is it?

341. Oh, o... kay, yeah.

342. Yeah, yeah.

343. - It's— That's easy. - Okay.

344. Just, just give me, give me a second.

345. Well, Mac, this is it.

346. The end of a typical day in my life.

347. It's modest, pious,

348. and somewhat dull,

349. but I can't imagine my life any other way.

350. - What do you think? - Gus,

351. knowing that there's somebody here

352. that's exactly like me gives me the courage

353. to-to want to do it, too, so tomorrow

354. I am going to join the seminary.

355. Grand! I am so happy for you.

356. And I must admit, I'm happy for myself, too.

357. Having someone here

358. who knows how I feel will help keep me

359. - on the straight and the narrow. - Yes.

360. And no matter how strong those urges get,

361. and they will be strong,

362. we must never, ever give in to them

363. because we would get kicked out of the Church.

364. - Good, good. - Yes.

365. And we'll never, ever leave each other alone

366. in the room with the wee lads.

367. Yes, and I also think...

368. Wait, what?

369. Or the wee lasses, whatever you're into.

370. There's no judgment here.

371. And, of course, you know, if you do slip up,

372. you'll go to a new parish, they sort the family out,

373. have some chats, perhaps some money changes hands,

374. perhaps not. No harm, no foul.

375. You come back, you're grand.

376. Uh...

377. Yeah, I'm gay. What are you talking about?

378. Oh...

379. No. I'm gay. That's it.

380. I'm a gay man.

381. I'm a gay man who has trouble controlling his...

382. urges with other

383. gay adult men,

384. and that's the end of it.

385. Goddamn it.

386. Ah, welcome, welcome. Come in, come in.

387. - You're leaving us waiting out there forever. - No, no, no. Come on in.

388. Welcome, welcome. Shirley, let me take your coat.

389. Frank, his name is Shelley, okay? You know this.

390. And you couldn't take his coat if you tried, dude,

391. 'cause it's buttoned to his pants

392. in traditional Irish style.

393. I'm not wearing a coat.

394. Right, he's not even wearing a coat, man.

395. All right, look, we brought you this. We made it ourselves,

396. - with love. - Mm.

397. You made cheese together?

398. Uh, well, personally,

399. I think cheese should be sprayed out of a can,

400. but to each his own.

401. Yeah, well, normally I would agree with you, Frank,

402. but Shelley's really opened my eyes to a whole new world.

403. Oh, yeah? Well, that can be very blinding.

404. But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,

405. we'll all be seeing clear.

406. Let's sit down.

407. I don't like how you said that. I don't like how he said that.

408. - Ah, yeah. - Wow.

409. - Well, come on in. - Cool.

410. - Wow. Okay. - Yeah. - Very nice.

411. Put it right there. Welcome. Sit down there.

412. - Went all out, huh? - Shirley, you over there.

413. - Charlie, there. - Here?

414. Welcome, and thank you all for coming.

415. You know, it's been a very trying time

416. with Charlie finding his biological father,

417. who abandoned him when he was a child, by the way.

418. Not judging, just the facts.

419. Okay, I can't really read the tone of this dinner, you know?

420. It's very confusing. You're being mean,

421. you're being nice. What are you doing?

422. No, no, I-I want everybody to be happy.

423. In fact, in the spirit of that, I bought everybody a gift.

424. So, just look under your seats, and you'll see

425. a nice gift for you. Uh, Shelley, you go first.

426. - Oh. - Oh, wow.

427. - Yeah. - Okay.

428. Very nice.

429. Swim goggles?

430. Yeah, they're good ones, too.

431. They'll protect your eyes from any chlorine

432. or oils or any other hot liquid

433. that might come in contact with your face.

434. That's, that's very kind of you, Frank, yeah, thanks.

435. Yeah, Frank, I'm not seeing a present for me.

436. No, no, no.

437. Just the one gift, just for Shelley.

438. Eat up. Yeah.

439. Eat it while it's hot. It's, uh,

440. it's, uh, butternut squash soup.

441. And for the special guest,

442. there's a couple meatballs in there.

443. Didn't put any goddamn meatballs in that soup.

444. - Do you hear something? - Yeah.

445. Oh, it's probably your stomach grumbling from hunger.

446. Eat up before they get cold.

447. Oh, why don't I get any meatballs?

448. Now, just for the special guest. Eat up, Shel.

449. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't eat that.

450. What's in the soup, Frank?

451. Just butternut squash. A simple soup.

452. Are the meatballs turds?

453. What? No, no, they're homemade meatballs.

454. Shelley, eat 'em up before they get cold.

455. - Go on. Go on. - No, don't-don't-don't eat them.

456. - Go on, Shelley. - Frank, you eat a meatball.

457. You want me to eat the meatball?

458. Yeah, just eat a meatball. Eat one.

459. All right.

460. Grab a meatball, scoop it out.

461. Delicious.

462. Now, Shelley, have, have a meatball.

463. No, no, no, no.

464. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

465. No, Shelley doesn't want one yet.

466. - Chew it. Chew it.

467. And then swallow it.

468. Chew it up.

469. - Oh! I knew it!

470. I knew it, Frank!

471. You're not trying to bring us closer together,

472. you're trying to drive us apart!

473. I knew you couldn't host a dinner without a motive.

474. You just can't do it.

475. All right, you got me. Okay?

476. I'm tired of you hanging out with him the whole vacation.

477. I mean, all right, go ahead,

478. go, have your fun,

479. but when you get back to Philly,

480. I don't want to even hear the name Shelley.

481. Well, I'm not coming back to Philly, Frank!

482. I think there's another man in this room.

483. Never mind him. What'd you say, Charlie?

484. I said I'm not coming back, Frank. I want to stay here.

485. I'm gonna stay here,

486. and I'm gonna work in my dad's shop with him,

487. if-if that's all right with you.

488. Oh, that would make me the happiest man in the world.

489. Well, you do that, and... don't...

490. don't even think of coming back because we're finished.

491. That's the end of it.

492. All right, Frank, if that's how you feel,

493. we'll get out of your hair. Come on, Dad.

494. I'm sorry about this.

495. Thanks for the goggles, Frank.

496. Frank! What the hell was that?

497. Charlie picked Shelley.

498. I... I'm talking about the turd soup, man.

499. You know, I'm starting to get caught up

500. in this whole father-son thing, too,

501. but then you put a-a turd in your mouth. I mean, my God.

502. He had me up against the wall. What was I supposed to do?

503. Not eat a poopy.

504. Clementine? Valentine?

505. Diana? Denise?

506. Dennis? Dane?

507. Goddamn it.

508. I've named every name in the entire world.

509. How have I not gotten it yet?

510. Oh, no, no, no. You-you got it a while back. It's just...

511. I'm really enjoying watching you struggle.

512. You drunk bitch!

513. Okay.

514. I'm gonna save you.

515. Unlike you,

516. I'm not a psychopath.

517. Oh, ugh, God. Okay.

518. - Okay. Oh... Oh, God.

519. Uh-oh, uh-oh. Now I'm in it.

520. Hold on. No. Oh. Let go. No, let go!

521. - Yes, you're doing it. - No, you're pulling me in.

522. - Yes. - What are you doing?

523. - No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. - Thank you!

524. - It's working. You're doing it. - You're pushing me under.

525. - You're doing it. - Let me out.

526. - Oh, you are my hero. - My legs are stuck.

527. - Oh, yes! - Wait!

528. - Wait, wait, now I'm stuck. - You're stuck?

529. I would suggest you don't move 'cause you're just

530. - gonna sink. - Help me out.

531. Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that 'cause I got a date,

532. - but I'll come back. - No, no, no.

533. - You can't leave me here. - Great job!

534. Oh, you dirty bitch.

535. I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna kill you.

536. - I'll be back after my date. - I'll kill you.

537. Thank you so much.

538. Help!

539. I'm so sorry about Frank. I...

540. I can't believe he tried to feed you shit.

541. I'll never forgive him for that.

542. Ah, Charlie, it's good to forgive.

543. You know, a true Kelly

544. always puts things right with the men in his life.

545. Yeah.

546. Not so much the women.

547. Thus, the curse of the banshees.

548. Right.

549. Help! Help! Help! Help!

550. Help!

551. What is that?

552. Are you seeing that? What is that?

553. What was that?

554. A banshee.