It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 15x4

1. No.

2. No, no. This can't be happening.

3. I-I-I'm too young.

4. No, why are you doing this?

5. I don't want to change. Oh, God, it's hot.

6. It's always so goddamn hot.

7. Someone's got to crack a door or a window. Oh, God, no.

8. It's all happening too fast.

9. I had plans, and they w-were perfect plans.

10. This is just all too soon!

11. What the hell was that about?

12. I'll tell you what that was about— menopause.

13. - What? Men... Menopause? - Oh, for real? - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

14. I went through the same thing with Barbara.

15. Overnight, she became completely irrational

16. with the hot flashes and the mood swings

17. and the paranoia. That was the worst.

18. Always accusing me of having affairs.

19. Hmm, right. But you were having affairs.

20. Yeah, but it was a real headache,

21. and you can't have that around here.

22. I don't want this to be taken the wrong way 'cause,

23. you know, I slept with Dee that one time...

24. - ... but, like,

25. I'm, like, sick of looking at her.

26. - I, too. - You know? Is it, is it just me?

27. - No. - Okay. - No.

28. - No, it's not just you. - Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm not

29. trying to be mean, it's not personal.

30. You're just being honest about how you feel.

31. - Yeah. - Also, there's a smell.

32. - Okay. - There's a smell, yeah. And a lot of women have this,

33. and it makes me sick to my stomach,

34. and-and I don't want to be around it,

35. and I think that's what you're saying.

36. Well, no, I haven't noticed a smell so much,

37. but, no, I'm just saying, like...

38. I feel a lot of tension in the workplace

39. 'cause we slept together, you know?

40. Legally, that's called a hostile work environment.

41. Okay, I can see that.

42. We can legally fire her

43. and bring in whichever man we want.

44. Oh... okay.

45. I see, I see where you were going with that.

46. Yeah, he's got an agenda. Uh, but either way,

47. it-it doesn't matter. The point is,

48. what we're talking about here is replacing Dee,

49. and I think it's a great idea.

50. I think, I think it's long overdue.

51. Look, if we're going to bring in another woman,

52. can we at least make sure she's competent?

53. Competent?

54. A monkey could do Dee's job.

55. - A monkey could.

56. Terrific. Thanks for coming in. All right.

57. Move. Move. Not gonna get it. No. G-Give me a break.

58. - Move. - Wait, what is...

59. You listen to me right now, Jeffrey. You listen to me!

60. Because I have been listening to you for long enough.

61. I'm sor— Who-who-who are you?

62. No!

63. No, no, no. This can't be happening.

64. This can't be happening, I'm too young.

65. Why are you doing this to me? Why?

66. I-I-I— No. I don't want to change.

67. Y-You're not thinking straight, Cassandra.

68. - You have to... - Oh, God, it's so hot.

69. Why is it always so goddamn hot?

70. Somebody ought to crack a window.

71. No, I-I-I need more time.

72. I had it all planned out.

73. It was perfect, and this is just too soon!

74. Oh, God!

75. And that's the scene.

76. Yes, I'm aware.

77. I'm done. I was in character before,

78. but I'm me now, so you can tell me how good I was.

79. Oh, okay. Well, you just cut in front of 15 other actresses.

80. You're welcome. I took a gander at 'em and...

81. Plus, I do feel

82. like that's what the character would have done,

83. and I've been in character all day.

84. As a matter of fact, don't want to brag,

85. but I've been in character all week.

86. - Okay, well,

87. uh, I don't think you're quite what we're looking...

88. Come on, man! No, I-I-I've been coming here for years,

89. and-and you never put me past you to the director.

90. Well, uh, listen, we have a-a lot of people

91. are going to be reading for this role.

92. No! I'm gonna see the director.

93. You're gonna put me through to the director,

94. that's what you're gonna do, 'cause I deserve it.

95. I deserve it. I am a trained actor.

96. Okay? I have spent

97. thousands of dollars on acting classes,

98. and are you gonna try and tell me

99. that was just all for nothing?

100. That all that money was just a waste?

101. Well, uh, not for your acting teacher.

102. Hmm?

103. You know, guys, it occurs to me

104. that, with this new employee,

105. we could be looking at a lot less work

106. and a lot more available time.

107. Perhaps we should consider a vacation.

108. Oh, that's not a bad idea, man.

109. I've actually been getting a lot more comfortable

110. with the idea of travel lately, like, um,

111. check this out, did you guys know that, uh,

112. Pittsburgh is in Pennsylvania?

113. - Yes. - Yeah.

114. No, think about that, though, that-that's crazy.

115. Like, two cities in one state?

116. - No, that's-that's not crazy. - No. No, not at all.

117. No, no, no.

118. All right, I don't think you understand.

119. There's two cities in the same state,

120. like, how is that even possible?

121. All states have more than one city.

122. That's totally possible. Yeah, multiple cities.

123. N... No.

124. - Yes. - There's... No. - Yes.

125. There's... Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

126. Yes.

127. So, that's what Pennsylvania is.

128. - Oh, no. - No.

129. Oh, so Philadelphia's not Pennsylvania?

130. - No. - No.

131. No, Philadelphia is in Pennsylvania—

132. - What is this man talking about? - I...

133. I'm saying, how does Pittsburgh work? Am I constantly

134. going in and out of Pittsburgh throughout the day, yes or no?

135. No. Explain this to me.

136. Oh. Oh, I understand. I think I understand...

137. - Really? - Finally, somebody gets it.

138. He's saying he wants to go on a vacation.

139. - Yeah. Well, yeah. - He wants to go somewhere exotic.

140. - Yes. - He wants to go to Fire Island. He wants to go to Greece.

141. - He wants to experiment. - No. That's not what I'm saying, no.

142. - He wants to try new things. - That is not what he said.

143. Wait, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

144. 'Cause we're already there.

145. We're not in Pittsburgh. We're in Philadel—

146. - I— This-this is not easy.

147. Hey-o. Check it out.

148. What the hell is this?

149. It's Dee's replacement.

150. Why did you get a monkey?

151. Well, you know, we're gonna hire a girl to do Dee's job.

152. We're gonna have to pay her. You don't have to pay a monkey shit,

153. so I got a monkey instead.

154. It's like I said, a monkey could do her job.

155. Okay, but that's just an expression, Frank.

156. We need an actual person.

157. Oh, yeah? Check this out.

158. - Monkey, beer.

159. See? Great, huh?

160. No. No, not great. Ridiculous.

161. You think a monkey can run a bar?

162. Run a bar?

163. I thought it was just to do Dee's job.

164. Oh, yeah. We need someone to watch over the bar

165. - 'cause we're gonna go on vacation now. - Right.

166. - Ooh, vacation? - Mm-hmm.

167. - Has anybody floated out Pittsburgh? - Ah.

168. What is with you guys and Pittsburgh?

169. Okay, we're not going to Pittsburgh.

170. If we're gonna go on vacation, we're gonna go someplace good.

171. - Yeah, thanks.

172. I mean, we've got the whole world to choose from,

173. and you guys want to go to the second-best city

174. in-in Pennsylvania? It's crazy.

175. Well, I don't know, like, are we in Pittsburgh right now?

176. Pretty nice. We like Pittsburgh.

177. Like, you know, how does Pittsburgh work, you know?

178. Whoa, hang on a second now.

179. That is really good. What'd the monkey put in this?

180. Beats me.

181. Okay, well,

182. it's-it's very, very delicious, uh...

183. What's the deal with this monkey, anyway?

184. He some kind of mixologist?

185. He used to work in the movies.

186. He comes from a long line of movie monkeys.

187. Rumor has it

188. that he also did a short stint

189. making drinks for Kitty Dukakis.

190. - Wow. - Yeah. - Okay, okay. Interesting.

191. You know those were stiff.

192. Eventually, we're gonna need an actual person

193. to run the bar if we're gonna go on vacation,

194. you know, but, uh, while we're landing

195. on where exactly to go, let's, uh...

196. Mmm.

197. Let's keep the monkey around 'cause that is

198. the best beer I've ever had in my entire life, I swear to God.

199. Dee has never made a beer that tastes like that.

200. - You guys got to try this. - Really?

201. - I bet, yeah. - Monkey.

202. - Three more. - Yeah. All right.

203. - Look at that.

204. Hello. Good afternoon.

205. I'm Deandra Reynolds,

206. and thank you all so much for joining my acting class.

207. For starters...

208. I don't have a limp.

209. Right?

210. Don't be shy.

211. - Thank you.

212. Thank you so much. Thank you.

213. Oh, here's the thing,

214. the first order of business,

215. and perhaps the most important thing, is payment.

216. Now, did everyone have a chance to get cash or cashier's check?

217. Okay, good. Great.

218. Great, wonderful. Okay, well, let's get started.

219. - Chain saw,

220. avocado, marlin. What'd I just say? You.

221. Um... chain saw, avocado, marlin?

222. Right!

223. Which is wrong.

224. You just violated the first rule of acting.

225. You listened.

226. When you are listening,

227. you are not talking,

228. and if you're not talking, you're not getting paid.

229. You know who doesn't talk throughout an entire movie?

230. An extra.

231. Which brings me to rule number two,

232. acting is...

233. Oh, um, reacting.

234. Wrong again. Acting is ignoring.

235. Think about it.

236. Ignore reality.

237. You're in a casting office, not Jurassic Park.

238. Ignore your scene partner

239. because you better goddamn believe they're ignoring you.

240. And, for Christ's sake, ignore the script, okay?

241. You're better than a writer, right?

242. Writers are dorks, okay?

243. Any questions?

244. No! Put your hands down!

245. No.

246. Don't ask questions.

247. That shows you don't know something,

248. which makes you look weak.

249. Got it?

250. Now, if we could circle back on the payment thing again,

251. it's pretty important to me, okay?

252. 'Cause I'm-I'm dead serious,

253. you're not walking out of here without the payment.

254. Oh, my God, Charlie,

255. we're not going to Scranton.

256. All right, fine. What about Harrisburg? Williamsport?

257. Altoona? You know...

258. Okay, will you at least consider

259. going someplace outside of Pennsylvania?

260. All those cities are in Pennsylvania?

261. Are you kidding me? Like, you don't want to know—

262. thank you, monkey— you don't want to know, like,

263. how this shit works, man?

264. No. I don't want to find out how zoning districts work.

265. I don't care about that. Thank you, monkey.

266. I want to go somewhere exotic.

267. Baltimore?

268. - Baltimore is not exotic, Frank. No.

269. I'll tell you, I've seen shit happen in Baltimore

270. - that would blow your mind. Thank you, monkey. - Wow.

271. You know what, guys? I'll tell you what.

272. Regardless of where we decide to go,

273. we're taking this goddamn monkey

274. - because I love this guy. I love him. - Oh, yeah.

275. It would be great if we could hire more monkeys

276. to do our job for us while we're gone.

277. Like, a team of monkeys who run the bar, you know what I mean?

278. - Mm. - Oh, yeah, 'cause they're all out of work now, you know?

279. Yeah. - Yeah, because Hollywood decided

280. you can't beat 'em no more, so they had to set 'em all free.

281. - What? - Are you seriously? - You can't beat monkeys?

282. - No, you can't. - At all?

283. Those monkeys don't even have jobs anymore

284. - 'cause of these snowflakes? - Not allowed to do it no more.

285. - These Hollywood... - Oh, my God.

286. I do have to admit, though,

287. it-it is a little disappointing to, um,

288. discover that a team of primates could do our jobs for us, but...

289. I'm gonna blow past it

290. because I really do want to come up

291. with a vacation spot for us, you know?

292. So, here's what I'm thinking, guys.

293. E-Everybody grab a napkin there, okay?

294. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Grab a napkin.

295. And, uh, everybody

296. write down a destination on the napkin,

297. and then we'll put that destination

298. in this bowl right here,

299. I'll pick one out,

300. - and that way not one of us decides... - Oh.

301. but we let fate take over.

302. - What do you guys think about that plan? - Okay.

303. I didn't say that

304. - I don't love you. - Then what is it?

305. Is it my gang ties? Because I don't need that shit.

306. I'll leave it all behind.

307. - Just tell me what's wrong.

308. The baby...

309. It's not yours. It's my...

310. my...

311. - my father's. - Bigger.

312. My father's! - N— louder.

313. My father's! - Yes!

314. Good. Now you go.

315. - Your father's? - Louder.

316. Your father's?

317. Okay! Now, this is what I'm talking about.

318. Nice work. Do you all see that?

319. Goddamn, that's what I want. I want to be able

320. to see your performance from the fucking moon.

321. Guys, the louder you are,

322. the more people have to pay attention to you.

323. Yeah... Yeah, I-I don't understand the script.

324. What movie did you say this was from?

325. I-I didn't. I wrote it.

326. It's a mash-up of Chinatown

327. and Tupac Shakur's Poetic Justice.

328. Oh. Are you, are you gonna write all the scenes?

329. Well, there you go asking a bunch of questions again, Tony.

330. Uh, Kiki,

331. how does that make him seem to you?

332. Um... weak?

333. Weak! Good. Very good.

334. Now, you, Kiki, you're really getting this.

335. But did you feel that?

336. Did you feel how he went from, like, a hot stud

337. you'd like to bang to a weak little bitch

338. right before your eyes? Right?

339. I mean, that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do him,

340. but that's between him and me.

341. Tony, see me after class.

342. Um... Okay.

343. Wrong! Wrong! Okay.

344. People in power will try and bang you.

345. Now, sometimes it will be necessary to get the part,

346. but assess the situation.

347. Why go all the way when a simple hand job will suffice?

348. Tony, do see me after class.

349. And the place

350. that we're going to is...

351. "Yell"... "Yellow"?

352. What is, what is this? Who, who wrote this?

353. Uh... Me. Yeah.

354. W-Were you trying to s-say Yellowstone or...?

355. Uh... no. Uh, just yellow.

356. - Just yellow? Just the color yellow? - Uh, well, I panicked.

357. You know, you were shooting down all the other places

358. I've been naming, so I-I couldn't think of something.

359. Okay, well, that's not a goddamn place, you idiot, so..

360. We're gonna try this again.

361. Next place I pick out, that's where we're gonna go.

362. Mm-hmm.

363. - "Purple." - Mm.

364. What is happening?

365. That was me. Yeah, I did purple.

366. - You did purple? Two of you wrote colors? - Yeah, I...

367. Okay, so you thought of a color, too?

368. I didn't understand the assignment either.

369. - It-it was not clear. - I said write down a destination,

370. - and two people wrote down colors? - We're sorry, we're sorry.

371. - I don't understand... - I like purple.

372. I like purple, too, Frank. That's why I wrote it down.

373. Well, maybe we could go there. That could be pretty.

374. Go where? Purple? That's not a place!

375. - That— All right, you know... Okay, you're right.

376. I think, um... these beers are a little strong.

377. - Are you drunk? - I— these beers are a little strong...

378. I will admit that the beers are also stronger

379. - than I was anticipating. - I like this beer.

380. You know what, guys?

381. I'm having a lot of fun here.

382. Uh, but I do want to figure this out, so, new plan.

383. All right, here's what we're gonna do.

384. Instead of writing down places,

385. why don't we write down key words?

386. Or phrases, you know?

387. Let's go with our instincts, you know?

388. Whatever we want to feel,

389. what-whatever we want to experience

390. on the vacation, okay? And then

391. we'll put it up on a board.

392. We'll look at it all together and then maybe

393. the destination will just reveal itself to us.

394. And... we can drink more monkey beer.

395. - Yeah.

396. - Monkey! - We'll drink monkey beer while we're doing it.

397. - Monkey. - Four more monkey beers, monkey.

398. - Monkey, monkey, monkey beer! - Monkey! Four more!

399. Ms. Reynolds, can I talk to you for a second?

400. Oh, God, what's this? Listen, if you don't have the cash,

401. you're gonna want to borrow it from, like, an uncle or a friend

402. or something 'cause I don't make exceptions.

403. No. It's, uh, it's not the money, um...

404. I just wanted to say... thank you.

405. It feels

406. so good to be seen like that.

407. My parents don't really believe in me, so...

408. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop talking.

409. Holy shit.

410. You're making me realize something here.

411. Maybe this doesn't have to be a scam.

412. What?

413. Well, what I mean is,

414. I-I was just able to give you something

415. your parents never did,

416. and all-all I had to do was...

417. toss you a single compliment.

418. I can control you.

419. I can make you feel however I want you to feel,

420. which will help you be a better actor.

421. - Oh, I do want to be a better... - Shh. I'm not done.

422. Oh, that's-that's real power.

423. Way more power than just acting, and I think that's what it was

424. probably all about for me, you know?

425. I just... I was searching for a sense of control.

426. Oh, Kiki...

427. you were...

428. terrible.

429. Wait, I-I was?

430. No. No.

431. - I'm kidding.

432. You were amazing.

433. And you're going to make it.

434. I believe in you.

435. Oh, you do?

436. Maybe.

437. I'm not going to tell you right now.

438. But yes.

439. Oh, my God! This is...

440. This is amazing. Yes, Kiki, yes.

441. I'm going to be there for you.

442. I'm going to be the mother and father that you never had.

443. - I'm only going to take 35%...

444. of all your future earnings,

445. and I will never, never

446. turn my back on you, do you understand?

447. - Yes. - Because you— Can you give me one second?

448. - My phone is buzzing off the hook in my pocket. - Oh, yeah.

449. One sec. Hello?

450. No! I'm gonna see the director.

451. Um, hi, yes. Uh, is this Deandra Reynolds?

452. - Yup. Right. Well, uh,

453. - I'm so sorry to just call you out of the blue like this... - Faster.

454. - What? - Faster.

455. Right. Brilliant. Um,

456. well, I am the director of the TV show

457. that you crashed the audition on the other day,

458. and we have a role that...

459. - Slower.

460. All right, um,

461. well, as I was saying, I am...

462. the... director...

463. Too slow. Don't start over.

464. Okay. Uh, well, I saw your tape,

465. and, based on what I saw, and this conversation,

466. I think we have a part that might be right for you.

467. Stop.

468. Attention, everyone.

469. Dee Reynolds Acting School is officially closed.

470. And I'm sorry, there will be no return on investments,

471. but it was in the fine print. Have a wonderful afternoon.

472. Continue.

473. Oh, my God. Oh, guys.

474. - What the hell is happening?

475. Guys, wake up. - Huh?

476. - Wake...

477. - Huh? - Wha...

478. Oh, my God. My head is killing me.

479. Oh, dude. I am very hungover. I do not feel good.

480. Charlie, you're full of scratches.

481. - So are you.

482. - Wait, I got scratches, too. - Oh, shit.

483. - Dude, Mac, I think you got bit in the neck, man.

484. - Is that shit on the bar?

485. What-what is that...

486. sour, salty taste in my mouth? Do you guys have that?

487. - Yeah, I got that. - Yes. Yes, I have that.

488. - What is that? - Yeah, it's real bad.

489. Uh-oh, guys...

490. Oh, yeah, I feel like shit.

491. I think we've been outsmarted.

492. - What? - Huh?

493. The monkey got us drunk,

494. assaulted us,

495. robbed the bar,

496. and possibly fucked our mouths.

497. - Oh, God! - Yeah, he did. That is what happened.

498. Yeah, the guy who sold him to me

499. did say something like this could happen.

500. He did?

501. Yeah. Apparently, the monkey's grandfather

502. was Fatty Arbuckle's monkey,

503. and you know how these things go.

504. These monkeys are passed down

505. from one Hollywood creep to the next,

506. until, eventually,

507. they wind up under a bridge in Philly

508. getting drunk and pulling scams.

509. Goddamn. All right. - What?

510. All right, all right, we got to think about this. All right,

511. so let's not take the monkey on our vacation.

512. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

513. The vacation.

514. I think we landed on a vacation destination last night.

515. Yeah, we did, we did. Look, look, look.

516. - Oh, look at the board. - We did? - Yeah.

517. We got something on here. Let's um...

518. Okay, should we see where we're going?

519. - Yeah, where are we going? - Where we going? Where we going?

520. All right, here we go...

521. "Monkey beer island

522. of green and fight."

523. Goddamn it. - That's not a place.

524. - That's not a place? - No, it's not!

525. No, it's not a goddamn place. You know what this is?

526. This is the ramblings of four men

527. who got very, very drunk last night on a mystery concoction

528. invented by a wild animal.

529. Why can't we just be normal?

530. - That is what it is. - That's so weird.

531. Why would we do that?

532. Because the monkey beers were so delicious.

533. All right? That-that-that monkey may have been a pervert,

534. but he was also a genius, which is often the case in Hollywood.

535. You know what I'm thinking?

536. 'Cause I'm seeing a lot of empty whiskey bottles around,

537. I'm thinking maybe that monkey was just pouring, like,

538. half a bottle of whiskey in each beer.

539. - You know? - That could be.

540. Based on my hangover, I think

541. that's what I'm, that's what I'm feeling.

542. Goddamn it. - That tracks, that tracks.

543. So, monkey beer

544. is just whiskey...

545. Whiskey-beer, yeah. - ... beer?

546. So...

547. "Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

548. - We're nowhere. We're nowhere.

549. Hey-o! Whoa, what the hell happened...

550. Eh, you know what? Don't care.

551. Do not even care 'cause guess what, dick nips.

552. This big, dumb, flightless bird just booked a huge acting gig.

553. Why don't you feast your eyes on

554. "Obnoxious American MILF #1"?

555. - In your faces. That's right. - Ah...

556. And guess what. I leave tomorrow morning

557. at 6:30 a.m. on a first-class flight

558. 'cause it shoots in Ireland, baby.

559. Yeah!

560. Body slam!

561. - I mean, she doesn't— She comes in screaming. - That was the worst.

562. - Screaming. - Cackling like a witch.

563. Just screaming and screeching, like...

564. Oh, my God.

565. Oh, my God.

566. - What? What is it?

567. - I don't know. - Uh, you don't know?

568. - Right? It wasn't clear. - Frank looked at me...

569. Why did you guys act like you knew what it was, then?

570. I don't know. We were all getting excited together.

571. - I was excited... - And, yeah, uh...

572. Goddamn it. Frank, you tell them what it is.

573. - Yeah, what is it? - I don't know what it is.

574. - You don't... - Okay, yeah, we don't know, uh, we don't know what it is.

575. Guys, guys.

576. "Whiskey beer island of green and fight."

577. That's Ireland.

578. Goddamn, you guys.

579. What is this delicious drink? This is good.

580. I was gonna go home and get some sleep,

581. but I might have to get a couple soda pops in first,

582. you know what I mean? Nice job.

583. Mmm. Mmm.

584. Ooh, wow. Is that poop?