It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 15x3

1. Are you kidding me? I love Joni Mitchell.

2. It's Janis Joplin I don't like.

3. Why?

4. I don't like her voice.

5. Her voice drives me insane.

6. - You're out of your mind. - No, she's out of her mind.

7. What do you think about this, then?

8. Oh.

9. - Hey.

10. I do like that. I love that.

11. Look at those moves.

12. - You got the moves, Charlie. - Oh, baby.

13. - Yeah. - Yeah.

14. Hey, I like this a lot. Why are we doing it?

15. Oh, South Philly Skate's closing, man.

16. - What? - What?

17. Huh? - Yeah.

18. Why would you deliver such sad news

19. in such an upbeat fashion?

20. Uh, yeah, you know what?

21. It felt wrong as I was doing it. Wasn't sure how to stop.

22. I can't believe this.

23. Everybody wants to pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

24. - Nice! Nice. Uh, Joni Mitchell, yeah.

25. I found a way to weave it in.

26. I heard you do that.

27. Now, guys, look, the real question is

28. what are we gonna do about the rink?

29. Wait a minute. Wait. You guys want to buy a roller rink?

30. Oh, God, no. No, no, no. We-we already tried that.

31. - Yeah. You guys remember that? - Mm-hmm.

32. - The last time we were there. - That's right.

33. The last time we were there. What-what year was that?

34. - Yeah. - 1998.

35. - Yeah. - You guys remember that night?

36. Oh, yeah.

37. Like it was yesterday.

38. - Hey, no whipping.

39. I saw that. Are you chewing gum?

40. No gum on my rink, all right?

41. Go spit it out. Gum is the enemy.

42. Skate clean, everybody. Let's skate clean.

43. That is the main thing.

44. Richie Keen, keep it clean, buddy, all right?

45. I don't want to see any hotdogging.

46. Hotdogging happens at the concession stand.

47. Okay, new people.

48. Coming through, coming through.

49. All right, come on, let's go. Keep it clean.

50. - Watch it.

51. Briana, no more gum.

52. Man, can't trust anybody.

53. Yo, Mac.

54. - Yo, what's up, Charlie? Dude.

55. It's buzzing out there, huh?

56. Yeah, dude, the roller rink business is booming, man.

57. Let me tell you. Now take that jacket off, dude.

58. How many times do I have to tell you

59. you can't wear street clothes at work.

60. What you talking about, man?

61. This jacket's phat as hell.

62. It may be phat, but you're not supposed to wear it, all right?

63. And you're not even repping Philly, dude.

64. Well, the Hornets have the coolest colors, man.

65. I got to look phat 'cause I'm out there selling weed,

66. and you got to look phat if you're selling weed.

67. And also, dude, I'm gonna say this as your friend

68. - and not just your boss...

69. stop dealing drugs at work, okay?

70. - Blowing up. Oh, 9-1-1. - Take it outside. I don't want to see—

71. - Yo, I got to make a call. - If Smokey sees you with that thing, man,

72. I'm gonna get in trouble, too. Did you spray these down,

73. or what?

74. 'Cause-cause you got to keep the...

75. Not bad.

76. All right, now, you kids have a lot of fun, all right?

77. And Daddy's got a very important meeting to go to.

78. - Oh, good luck, Daddy. - Thank you, honey.

79. You be safe, sweetheart. Dennis,

80. don't forget to leave your cellular telephone on.

81. You work for me now.

82. Yes, Father. Got it.

83. There you go. Have fun.

84. - Oh! - Hey, guys.

85. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - What's up, fellas?

86. - Hey! Here they are. - There's the college guy.

87. Now, see, Mac, that's how you wear a jacket at work.

88. You know, Dennis looks like Jerry Seinfeld.

89. Thanks, man. Yeah, that's kind of what I was going for. Yeah.

90. I don't like how mean they are to each other on that show.

91. Aw, Sweet Dee. So pure of heart. You know?

92. Hey, when you going to Hollywood, Dee?

93. Tomorrow. Yeah, this is my last night in Philly.

94. I'm actually super nervous.

95. Oh, you got nothing to be nervous about.

96. No, you're gonna do great out there, sis.

97. They're gonna love you.

98. You just have so much natural charisma,

99. and you're so funny.

100. Aw, man. Thanks, you guys.

101. That really means a lot to me.

102. Yeah, yeah. - Size 11 skates, please.

103. Oh. Oh, Dee, um...

104. Uh, we only carry, like, women's up to, like,

105. I think maybe, like nine?

106. Oh, no, Charlie, uh, size 11 in men's.

107. - That's okay. - Oh, right. You wear men's.

108. - Yeah. - I totally forgot.

109. Okay, I got those. Hang on.

110. - Uh, here we go.

111. - There we go. - Yeah. Boom.

112. Okay. Thanks, guys. I'm gonna go skate with my friends.

113. - I'll see you in a little bit. - Ah, have fun, Dee.

114. - See you. So sweet. - Have fun. - Bye.

115. Such a good-hearted person.

116. Guys, thank-thank you so much for not making fun

117. of the size of her feet. They're-they're very big.

118. - Oh, no, dude. - Of course not.

119. I would never make fun of her physical attributes.

120. Hey, you guys want to grab a soda or something?

121. - Oh, I'd love a soda. - I'd love a soda.

122. All right, let's get a quick break.

123. Hey, Smokey, stepping away!

124. - Huh? - Stepping away there, boss!

125. Yeah, whatever.

126. Smokey loves me, dude.

127. Hey, he's giving me one of those, um, email addresses.

128. - Whoa. Email?

129. Mark my words, nobody will ever use email.

130. The Internet is a fad for nerds.

131. - Yeah, probably. - Yeah.

132. Let's roll.

133. So, what's it like working for your old man?

134. Like, what's he actually do?

135. Business.

136. Oh, that's sweet, man. Like, what kind of business is he in?

137. It's complicated, you know?

138. There's-there's numbers and money, you know?

139. Right, but it sounds like you don't know what the business is.

140. Not yet. But, I mean, I will

141. at some point, you know what I mean?

142. 'Cause I'll be running the place someday, so...

143. Oh. I can dig that, man.

144. I'm also kind of, like, climbing

145. the corporate ladder, you know?

146. I definitely see myself running this place one day.

147. - Dooley, come on, man.

148. No headlocks!

149. I'll-I'll be running a-a multi-million-dollar business,

150. and you'll be working at a roller rink.

151. Yeah, there's a lot of money in roller-skating, like,

152. you would not believe how many quarters

153. I find in these vending machines.

154. You're talking about thumbing through vending machines

155. for loose change.

156. You think that's comparable to my thing?

157. Well, that one's empty, but, yeah, you never know.

158. - Oh, is that my beeper?

159. Oh, no, that's my mobile phone.

160. Yeah, I don't have anything that beeps.

161. Yeah, hang on.

162. Oh, it's-it's my dad.

163. Hello, Father.

164. Oh.

165. Yeah. Yes. Uh, yeah, right away. Guys, I got to run.

166. Uh, my dad forgot his briefcase,

167. and he needs it for an important meeting, so...

168. - Oh, cool. What's the meeting about? - Business, man.

169. I, like, I don't... I got to go.

170. I can't make him mad, okay? I'm on my way, Father.

171. Mobile phones. Fads for yuppies.

172. Mark my words, Charlie, those things will never catch on.

173. Okay.

174. - Ah, my special little helper. - Hey. Hey.

175. I couldn't do it without you.

176. - Hold the briefcase. - Okay. Thanks, Father.

177. Oh, not you.

178. I was talking about this little guy. Right here.

179. - You're taking pills? - Mm. Mm.

180. Ah. Yeah. It enhances my performance

181. and impresses my colleague,

182. if you know what I'm saying?

183. - Oh, wow, okay, that makes sense. Yeah. - Yeah.

184. Ticktock, buddy. Your hour's almost up.

185. Uh, be right there, hon.

186. Oh, she sounds tough.

187. Oh, you have no idea. Okay, you can go.

188. No, wait, wait. Dad, Dad, wait, wait.

189. Come here, come here. Listen, if I may be so bold,

190. I know you like to usually do your business in private,

191. but, uh, I'd like to join you.

192. Huh? You-you want to join us?

193. Yeah. O-Or I can just sit in the corner and watch.

194. I-I just want to learn.

195. Well-well-well, that's-that's a little weird, Dennis.

196. I-I don't know about that.

197. How am I supposed to learn

198. if you don't show me how to do it?

199. You don't know how?

200. No. I don't know anything.

201. The guys were teasing me about it earlier.

202. - Well, I probably would tease you, too. - Yeah, but-but,

203. I mean, it's not my fault. You never showed me anything.

204. I thought this was something you'd learn in school.

205. Well...

206. Well, I-I don't, I don't love this Dennis, but,

207. if you want, you can sit in the corner and watch.

208. But no eye contact

209. 'cause that'll throw me off my game.

210. - O-Okay. - All right.

211. Come on, let's go in before the pill kicks in.

212. Y-Yeah. Okay.

213. Honey.

214. Yeah, what I'm saying is Silly String's not so silly

215. when it's stuck in a wheel bearing.

216. So, actions do have consequences. You know?

217. Smokey! Filing a damage report here, boss.

218. I don't know what to tell you.

219. I'm gonna have to sell the joint.

220. Lot of good people are gonna lose their jobs.

221. Kills me, but it's over.

222. Oh, no.

223. 18, 19. Worth every penny.

224. 2,000. There's a little something in there for you.

225. - Yeah, whatever. - Say hello to your sister.

226. Well, there you go. You happy?

227. Wha...

228. What was that?

229. That's how it's done.

230. Uh, it was a little fast, but she was hot.

231. I f... I feel like I just watched you

232. have sex with a prostitute.

233. - Yeah. - Why?

234. What do you mean why? It was your idea.

235. I didn't want to watch you have sex.

236. I didn't want you to watch me have sex, either.

237. I thought you were gonna show me what you do at work.

238. This is what I do at work.

239. Well... does Mom know about this?

240. Don't bring your mother into this.

241. I'm not gonna let you watch next time.

242. I don't want to watch next time!

243. I didn't want to watch this time!

244. All right, look, you're officially fired.

245. What-what?

246. This is not working out for me, Dennis. You-you...

247. you watched me bang, I mean, and now you're whining.

248. You're gonna go cry to your mommy. It's too much.

249. I don't even know what it is I'm being fired from.

250. Look... Here.

251. Here's five grand.

252. What-what is this?

253. That's to keep your mouth shut. That's your paycheck.

254. I-I don't understand. What is happening?

255. - That's your severance pay. - My sever...

256. Go on.

257. I don't understand any of this!

258. Sup, son. I'm having the best night.

259. I just sold two ounces of Compton Endo.

260. Yeah, well, all right,

261. I-I hate to rain on your drug-dealing parade, but, um,

262. Smokey's selling this joint, man.

263. So what? I could deal drugs wherever.

264. Hey, you should come work for me, man.

265. I'm making mad Benjamins, son.

266. Holy shit.

267. Whoa, dude, there's got to be, like, $80 in there.

268. It's $4,000, Charlie.

269. Yeah, I made it in, like, two hours.

270. - Are you serious? - Yeah.

271. Shit, man, but, like, isn't dealing drugs,

272. isn't that kind of dangerous?

273. Damn straight it is, Charlie.

274. That's why I got myself a gat.

275. Dude. You have a gun?

276. Yeah. Cool, huh?

277. Put that shit away, all right?

278. Don't let Smokey see you with that.

279. - Oh. - Oh.

280. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Sweet Dee. - Hey, Dee.

281. Charlie, can you tighten the axle nuts on these?

282. My friends and I are working on sort of a farewell routine.

283. Oh, got to tighten them Dee's nuts.

284. Dee's nuts.

285. They're your nuts, so I said, "Dee's nuts." Like...

286. Yeah, I-I'm sorry. I just don't find crass humor that funny.

287. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, sorry.

288. Oh, yeah. Um, but, Dee, just a quick heads-up,

289. like, if I tighten up these nuts, it's gonna...

290. - Dee's nuts. Now I said it.

291. That happens.

292. I'm so sorry. But-but in all seriousness,

293. if-if I do tighten up the, uh,

294. the axle nuts, it's gonna slow you down.

295. I know. The thing is, my friends,

296. they're just not as fast as me,

297. and I don't want to hurt their self-esteem,

298. so I just figured if I make myself slower, everyone's happy.

299. - Oh, that's super nice of you. - Oh, yeah.

300. Hey, and don't forget, positive energy.

301. - Positive energy. - Cool. - Positive.

302. - There's my beeper. - Oh, shit.

303. That thing is really cool. I'll admit that.

304. Cool? Charlie, in 20 years,

305. everybody's gonna have a beeper. Mark my words.

306. Yeah, yeah. Also, you keep saying that, and I don't know

307. if you're, like, fully expecting me to, like,

308. mark these words down 'cause I don't have, like, a pen on me.

309. Okay, come on, let's go. They're-they're outside.

310. Yeah, okay. Uh, all right. Stepping away, Smoke.

311. All right, be cool. Just play it cool, man.

312. Yeah, I'm just nervous, dude. I've never done something

313. against the law, really, like this.

314. Nah, it's-it's-it's not that hard.

315. It's not that hard. Oh, here they come.

316. - Here they come. - Is this the guy?

317. - These are our guys? - Yeah, I think that's him. Yeah.

318. Yeah, that's him. Okay.

319. It's very easy. It's very easy.

320. - Just walk up there, you say, "How much?" - Mm-hmm.

321. "How much do you want?"

322. - They tell you, and then... - Uh-huh.

323. you throw the bags in, they throw the money out,

324. and that's it. End of transaction.

325. Okay, cool. I-I can do that.

326. And then, um, maybe I'll introduce myself, too?

327. Put a name to the face 'cause customer service is important.

328. - No. - Um...

329. No, no, don't do that because it's not.

330. It's a drug deal.

331. Yeah, but if they don't feel comfortable, you know, like,

332. knowing me, they might not return as customers.

333. You don't want them to know you.

334. They will return, no matter what,

335. because they're addicted to the drugs.

336. - Oh. - That's how it works.

337. - Oh. Okay, cool. - Yeah.

338. One more thing.

339. - Take off the skates. - Yeah, but if I take off

340. the skates, I'm gonna have to walk over there in my socks

341. - 'cause I skated to work today. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

342. - Yeah, that's not gonna look cool, right? - Okay, fine. Yeah.

343. Uh, that-that's them. Okay, I'll walk on my toes,

344. - so you can't tell I'm on skates. - What? No.

345. You might as well just,

346. you might as well just skate over.

347. Oh, Jesus Christ.

348. Coming.

349. O-One minute.

350. - Evening.

351. Jesus Christ.

352. I'll be taking care of you guys this evening.

353. Uh, uh, how we doing?

354. Let me get five.

355. F-Five, yeah, sure.

356. Uh, five for the fine fella.

357. "I got five on it."

358. Sorry, it's...

359. I'm a little thrown off. I was expecting

360. you guys to be so much older than me. Um...

361. One second. Let me get it out here.

362. Okay. Five. One,

363. two, three... Whoa. Dropped one.

364. Sorry. It's three, four, five.

365. Sorry. It's my, it's my first night.

366. I-I'm in training, so...

367. - Uh, thank you for your patience.

368. Um, so I'm gonna need 40, uh,

369. $40...

370. - for, uh...

371. I'm gonna— I'm gonna need $40!

372. Oh, no, he didn't.

373. We got a problem here, fellas?

374. - Yeah, he-he-he's got a gun, so... - That's a gat.

375. - I got a gat.

376. - Shoot the tires. - Um...

377. What the hell is this?

378. Uh, that's the handle. Just the handle.

379. I can see that. You're carrying around a gun handle?

380. Yeah, I found it in the trash.

381. - It's still cool, though. - Oh, my God.

382. Dude, that was so stupid.

383. We could've gotten killed, Mac.

384. No, no, there's no b— there's no bullets.

385. You can't get killed 'cause there's not—

386. - You can't get shot. With their gun!

387. Oh, with their gun.

388. Yeah, with their gun we could've gotten killed.

389. Oh! Got one.

390. All right, well, look on the bright side, Mac.

391. We just made a quick 25 cents.

392. Hey. Hey, guys. Why the long faces?

393. Smokey's selling the rink.

394. - What? - Yeah.

395. And Mac's a terrible drug dealer,

396. as am I, apparently.

397. I just don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life now.

398. How was work with your dad?

399. Oh, uh, yeah, it was cool. You know, um,

400. I learned a lot, but I-I don't really think it's for me.

401. Oh?

402. Really? Why? Like, what it is?

403. What-What's the work?

404. Uh, it's-it's-it's complicated, you know?

405. It-It's, um, messy,

406. and-and-and I don't want to describe what I saw.

407. Why?

408. Look, suffice it to say,

409. I-I don't want to have anything to do

410. with that kind of business, you know what I mean?

411. And I'm starting to think that my dad's a bad man.

412. Really?

413. You know what, man?

414. You can go your own way. You're your own man.

415. Mark my words,

416. you're probably never gonna see that guy again

417. for the rest of your life.

418. I hope not.

419. Yeah.

420. Guys, check this out.

421. What if we...

422. what if we went into business, like, for ourselves?

423. - Yeah. - You know? - Yeah.

424. Like-like, we do what Dennis's dad does at work, right,

425. but we do it with each other.

426. You don't want to do what my dad does, okay?

427. And definitely not with each other.

428. - All right. - Um, so, I'd like to clarify

429. by saying that I think what we should do

430. is invest in ourselves.

431. Yeah, I mean, like, right, that's what I mean.

432. Like, check this out, like, what if we buy the rink from Smokey?

433. Oh, shit.

434. - We own the roller rink? - Yeah.

435. Like, the three of us, together as partners?

436. - Mm-hmm. - Oh.

437. I-I got four grand right here.

438. Oh, my God. That's crazy.

439. I just got five grand from my dad.

440. Oh, dudes, that's perfect. I just got 25 cents,

441. uh, from the machine over there.

442. 25 cents is not gonna get us shit, man.

443. Oh, no, I mean, I just got it now.

444. I have more saved up.

445. Well, okay, well, how much do you have total?

446. From the machines and my paycheck

447. and just, like, saving the quarters and shit,

448. I've saved up, like, $57,000.

449. - Holy shit, man. - Oh, that's-that's-that's...

450. - Uh... - You know what?

451. That actually might be enough

452. - for an equal partnership with us. - Yes.

453. - Yeah. Well... - Yeah.

454. - Equal doesn't quite make sense... - Hey, you know what,

455. I'm starving. Do they have sandwiches here?

456. Well, yeah, you know, they do have sandwiches.

457. - Would you like a sandwich? - Yeah. You want something with meat on it?

458. The sandwiches are good, but, like...

459. I'm-I'm paying. I'll pay for the sandwich.

460. Equal just doesn't totally make sense.

461. Let's give it up for the Sweet Dee Skaters.

462. - They're-they're starting the dance. - All right, here we go.

463. And then we'll have sandwiches...

464. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, man. - Let's go, Dee!

465. - Yeah. Looking good. All right. Go, Dee!

466. - Oh, thanks, guys. You rock! Let's go, Sweet Dee!

467. Come on, Dee.

468. Yeah. All right. Let's go, sis.

469. Come on, Dee!

470. Look at her go, man. Yeah, she's really flying, huh?

471. Imagine if she didn't have to slow down for her friends.

472. She doesn't have to. No, no, no.

473. I-I— When she asked me to tighten her skates,

474. I secretly loosened them, you know,

475. 'cause real friends don't slow each other down, right?

476. They help them soar.

477. Oh. Oh!

478. - Oh! - Oh, shit! - Ooh!

479. Goddamn.

480. Ooh. That was brutal.

481. You all right?

482. Hey. Stop it! Get off me, bitch!

483. Hey, sis, are-are you okay?

484. You hit your head pretty hard there.

485. Yeah, I'm fine, you small-haired cunt.

486. - Whoa. - What? Excuse me?

487. It was a joke, okay?

488. Oh, you don't understand humor?

489. It was a joke. That's why she was...

490. - Oh. - Oh.

491. Hey-hey, Dee, um, we're gonna buy the rink.

492. Do you want to be part-owner with us?

493. Oh, oh, oh, are you?

494. Yeah, we could really use your positive attitude.

495. Oh, oh, oh, could you?

496. You know what you could also use?

497. A breath mint 'cause your mouth smells

498. like you just ate a giant slice of shit pizza.

499. Okay, I'm confused, Dee. D-Do you want to be in?

500. N-N-N-N-No, Charlie.

501. Thank you, anyway, but I don't want to be involved

502. with you losers, okay? 'Cause you're losers.

503. I'm moving to Hollywood.

504. I'm gonna get rich, I'm gonna get famous,

505. and I'm probably gonna marry Scott Wolf.

506. Get out of my way, bitch! Leave me alone!

507. Sweet Dee is not being very sweet.

508. You know what? She just got her bell rung.

509. She's gonna be fine.

510. Oh, dude, that's what it is, right?

511. I-I'm sure by tomorrow it'll wear off,

512. - and she'll be back to spreading her sunshine again, right?

513. - Yeah. - All right, come on, let's go buy this rink.

514. - Yeah. Let's do it. - All right. Let's go buy a roller rink.

515. Smokey!

516. You want to buy my joint?

517. Absolutely, Smokey. I mean, look, uh,

518. we heard you're selling it, and we-we want to be the buyers.

519. Yeah, and we will pay any price.

520. Yeah. Well, well, hang-hang on a second.

521. No, we won't pay any price.

522. We'll pay the appropriate price for a roller rink.

523. The rink?

524. I don't own this place.

525. I just work here for the free parking.

526. - Oh. - Oh.

527. I own the bar around the corner.

528. - There's a bar around the corner? - Yeah.

529. Yeah.

530. That place is a real dump.

531. - Oh. Okay. Uh... - Okay.

532. - Uh, we'll take it. Any price. - Well, well, hang on a second.

533. - We don't know if we'll take it. We haven't even seen it yet. - Stop saying that.

534. You are a terrible negotiator. How do you...?

535. He's a really bad drug dealer, too, man.

536. I can tell. Yeah.

537. Paddy's, huh?

538. You guys like that name?

539. - No. - No. - No, right?

540. - No, it's terrible. - It's pretty bad. - We'll change it.

541. - Yeah. - Definitely. First thing we do.

542. - Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

543. - Should we check it out? - Yeah.

544. Smells like fish. You guys smell that?

545. - Yeah. - It does smell like fish.

546. - Get a cooler sign, you know? - Yeah.

547. 'Cause it's kind of, like, old and wooden.

548. Huh.

549. Yeah, uh...

550. I mean, you know,

551. doesn't-doesn't quite have the same pageantry

552. as a roller rink, but, uh...

553. Well, there's a-a palpable sadness in here.

554. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I feel that.

555. - And a stink, right? Like... Yeah. - Yeah.

556. But that said, I mean, you know, it's got potential.

557. Right. It doesn't have to be this, right?

558. Like, check it out.

559. We could gut this place, make it totally our own, right?

560. - Yes. Yes! - Make it whatever we want. - Yes.

561. Yes. We could become really successful bar owners, right?

562. - Of course we could, dude. - Like, the most

563. successful bar owners in all of South Philadelphia,

564. - in all of the country. - That's reasonable.

565. Guys, mark my words,

566. when we're finished with this place,

567. you're not even gonna recognize it.

568. - I got a lot of things wrong. - Yeah.

569. Yeah. We really didn't change that much.

570. No. No, you haven't even changed clothes, for instance.

571. You're still wearing the same sweatshirt.

572. - Hey, can I talk to you guys

573. about the, uh, percentage shares of the bar for a second?

574. Oh, shit. Uh...

575. Sandwiches. We were gonna get...

576. Oh, yeah, we-we got, uh, sandwiches.

577. - Yeah, we got sandwiches from a place, and, uh... - Are you hungry?

578. Yeah, you hungry? You want a sandwich?

579. - Yeah. - Yeah.

580. - You're gonna have to pay for it. - Let's get Charlie a sandwich.

581. I'm gonna check the sandwich thing out.