It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 13x6

1. All right, well, that about does it,

2. which means we are officially

3. - on island time. - Oh, yeah.

4. - Yeah, baby. - Here we go.

5. - Island time. - Ah, Frank.

6. I'm so excited about this concert.

7. - Thank you for the tickets. - Yeah.

8. - Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett. - Oh, yeah.

9. And those Parrothead broads, they're wild.

10. - I noticed that. They're nuts. - Yeah, yeah.

11. They are wild.

12. I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

13. - Oh, yeah, that's the best. - I gotta hear it.

14. Yeah, I wish he would, too, but he won't,

15. 'cause that's, uh, that's not Buffett.

16. - Huh? - Yeah, no. H-He does.

17. It's, uh, the one that goes...

18. Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song,

19. but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

20. - Who? - Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

21. We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years.

22. Have you ever heard him play it?

23. No, but he's not gonna play all

24. of his hits every single time.

25. Yeah, no, he is. That's what he does.

26. That's actually the only thing he does.

27. And that's just not one of them. But, hey, listen, buddy,

28. you want to hear that song, you go ahead

29. and request away. I won't stop you.

30. Oh! I hope he plays that one.

31. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. - Yeah, he won't, he won't.

32. - W-Were you in the women's room? - Mm-hmm.

33. Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

34. Why not?

35. 'Cause it's my bathroom, and you're a man.

36. Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

37. I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room.

38. Oh, come on, the— with the gay thing again.

39. Like, look, it makes me uncomfortable

40. that you're in there using my bathroom. How about that?

41. Look, the whole men's and women's

42. bathroom thing is antiquated.

43. - Maybe you're antiquated. - Maybe I'm...

44. Get off me! Get off me!

45. - Get him off me! - Settle down!

46. Don't. Come on. L-Listen—

47. I know, I know, listen.

48. We always do this. We...

49. We always get in some major tiff right before Buffett,

50. and then, you know, it just, it just ruins

51. - the whole island vibe, you know? - Yeah.

52. Come on. We're not doing that this time.

53. All right? This whole bathroom issue

54. is a simple problem with a simple solution.

55. So why don't we just sit here and let's just figure it out.

56. - All right, now we're talking.

57. I tell ya, there's never been a problem so big,

58. couldn't be solved by a late night

59. and a little Chinese takeout.

60. We should've got cheeseburgers.

61. Well, Frank, you know, I'm saving my cheeseburgers

62. for paradise.

63. - I get it. That is Buffett, that one, right?

64. - Yeah, that's Buffett. That's Buffett, okay, cool.

65. Uh, if I may go first. I'd like to go first.

66. Oh, are we doing a whole stand up...?

67. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

68. Now, guys, I believe that, as a gay man,

69. I should be able to use the women's bathroom

70. because I feel more comfortable around women.

71. - Okay, why? - Well, "A," we both like dudes,

72. and "B," we both find women's bodies disgusting,

73. - so there's no hanky-panky. - Well, that tracks.

74. - Yeah, sure, that makes sense. - Yeah, yeah.

75. Done! I'm using the ladies' bathroom, right?

76. N-n-n-n-n-n— My turn.

77. - My turn, right? - Oh, do you have to...?

78. - The floor is yours. - I thought Mac just solved it.

79. - No. No, no. Okay. - No. -All right.

80. "A," not all women like dudes— lesbians,

81. for example— and, "B," I find you disgusting.

82. I don't want men pooping next to me.

83. Would you let a trans woman go in there?

84. Of course I would.

85. - But not me? - No, not you, because you're a man.

86. You're a gay man, but you're still a man.

87. I don't know why you're being such a bitch

88. about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

89. - What are you talking about? - You've been in the stall

90. next to me.

91. I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

92. - I don't own pink heels. - Yes, you do.

93. The ones with the straps that-that make those giant feet

94. look so dainty and cute.

95. Mac, I don't know what you're talking about.

96. Mm, uh...

97. Okay, um...

98. All right, uh, I think I can actually explain this...

99. Uh, Charlie, I do hope that the explaining you're gonna do

100. is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

101. Don't worry about it, this is the last time

102. you're gonna be in here.

103. Charlie, what is taking so long?

104. Give me a minute. Give me a minute!

105. Uh...

106. Oh, there they are!

107. Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

108. Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

109. No! I just like to use the women's bathroom,

110. because it's, you know, it's quieter, it's less crowded.

111. And very clean.

112. Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

113. whatever, I slip on the heels,

114. in case someone looked under the stall.

115. I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

116. - That's it. - Okay. But what's with the wig?

117. Come on!

118. Don't make me do the whole thing.

119. The wig is just in case someone peeks over the top.

120. How about the dress, bud?

121. Goddamn it. It...

122. - Oh! - Whoa. Whoa.

123. Okay, okay. Look, the dress just ties

124. the whole look together, so, you know...

125. You are a cross-dresser.

126. No, I'm not. Look, I was raised

127. by a single mother, you know?

128. And we were always on the go, and sometimes

129. we'd be at, like, a museum or, you know, a stadium,

130. and I'd have to go to the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

131. gonna put me in the men's room by myself,

132. so she carried around a dress with her.

133. She would slip it on, and I would go in and out

134. of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

135. And then, you know, as the years went by,

136. I just got more comfortable pooping

137. with a dress, so, whatever, it's not that weird.

138. - Hold on, though, it's very, very weird. - It is so weird.

139. Look, lots of people do it. It's...

140. - I doubt it. - I don't know anybody who does it.

141. - Uh, no. - Not one person on the planet.

142. It is what it is, I mean,

143. it's the only way I can poop, so...

144. - O-kay. - I guess it is what it is.

145. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - It is what it is, and it is very strange,

146. but it does bring up an interesting point.

147. You see, Dee, you did mention moments ago

148. that you would be comfortable having

149. a transgender woman use your bathroom.

150. Of course I would, so what?

151. - Well... - No. That's not,

152. that's not the same thing, he's not transgender.

153. Well, no. He's-he's not transgender,

154. but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

155. No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that

156. 'cause my bathroom's nicer.

157. No, no. I-I think, I think Mac is right.

158. I think this system is antiquated, and I think—

159. - Is that, is that a hand dryer? - Oh, damn.

160. - Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. - Oh, goddamn it.

161. Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

162. - Aye. - No. Goddamn it.

163. Nice. Okay, well, I knew we could solve it, guys.

164. - This is great. - And then should we also change

165. the signs on the doors

166. to reflect that it's not a boys' room

167. - and a girls' room anymore? - Right. Yeah, no.

168. We'll pop some new signs on there real fast.

169. You know, so it's clear that any gender can use any bathroom.

170. - Yeah, yeah. - How hard could that be?

171. The dress is making me have to poop really bad, so I'm gonna...

172. Okay, let's do it.

173. - Oh, goddamn it. - Gotta poop, gotta poop.

174. W-Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, I'm sorry,

175. what's wrong with this one again?

176. Well, I think it's confusing, is what the problem is.

177. - Mm. Mm-hmm. - Like, maybe we need words

178. or something.

179. Well, also, like, what's with the floating starfish

180. trying to eat the rock?

181. - That's a baby. - That's a baby?

182. - Yes, that's a... - That's a baby?

183. So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there

184. throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

185. - It's confusing. - Okay, all right.

186. So what if I cover up the baby, how about now?

187. I don't get it. Now it looks like you either got to be

188. in a wheelchair or a he-she to go poop in there.

189. No, no, no, no, Frank, come on, don't say "he-she."

190. What?

191. - It's hermaphrodite. - Oh, nope.

192. Dee, you can't say that anymore, either.

193. - It's intersex. - Well, this is all confusing.

194. Why do I have to keep learning new things?

195. How about this?

196. We'll call the bathrooms gender neutral.

197. That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral

198. - about my gender. - Mm.

199. - So now you're uncomfortable, okay. - Okay.

200. We put one sign on each door, both of them say "gender fluid."

201. Right. 'Cause that-that implies, like, you're this,

202. - you're that. - I don't know. I don't like

203. thinking about gender fluids.

204. Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

205. - All right. Well... - You know what? Look, look.

206. It's just all so confusing.

207. You know, we got to make this much simpler.

208. I have an idea, if I could just go do one that I think will

209. - clear it all up. - Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

210. All right, do it, yeah.

211. - Quick. - Is the Internet working?

212. - Hmm... - Well, hang on. Hey.

213. Yes, but you stay off it. You stay...

214. - No. No. - No, no. I'm just...

215. You crashed our last three laptops, man.

216. - You are not doing it again. - Bring it out here.

217. Do it out here where we can see what you're doing.

218. - No, I'll do it in the office. - Do it in front of us.

219. It'll take me, like, two minutes. Two minutes.

220. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - You go fast.

221. I'm-I'm finished.

222. - I'm finally finished. - Oh, God. It's about time.

223. Goddamn it.

224. - He's limping. - Are you chafed?

225. - He's chafed. - Huh? Oh, yeah. Super chafed.

226. Hey, do you know

227. how to get Russian malware out of a computer?

228. - No. - Then the computer's broken. Yeah.

229. - Yeah. - Aw!

230. - Yeah, but the sign's done. - All right, man.

231. Let's see what you got.

232. What do you think?

233. Well, I don't know what I'm looking at.

234. Yeah. What-what am I seeing here?

235. It's just dicks.

236. - No. There's... I mean, yes. - Oh.

237. There are a couple of dicks, but...

238. - It's mostly dicks. - That's a lot of dicks.

239. - Oh, now... now all I see is dicks. - Mm-hmm.

240. No, there's also pictures

241. of road kill and roast beef sandwiches

242. to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

243. - Okay. - Anyone else uncomfortable?

244. All right. Moving on.

245. All right. I'm just gonna go back to the office.

246. - No, you stay here. - No. No, no, no. No!

247. You are not going back to the...

248. - Yeah. - All right, all right.

249. So, this... I think this covers it all, right?

250. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Yeah. There's the man.

251. - Uh-huh. - The woman.

252. - Mm-hmm. - That's the he-shes,

253. or the interspecies, whatever it is.

254. Yeah, whatever you said.

255. And this is Christians,

256. - Muslims. - I assume

257. the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

258. Well, it ain't the Mormons.

259. - Uh... - Let's not get into that.

260. Okay, you know what?

261. - Why-why are we bringing...? - I was against it. Yeah.

262. Why are we bringing religion into this at all?

263. Because I want to know who's in there,

264. - because it'll make me feel safer. - Oh, goddamn.

265. Can we please put two signs on the doors?

266. - Both signs say "toilet." - Yeah...

267. - Oh. - There's a toilet in there,

268. and that's all you really need to know.

269. You make a good point. I think that would work.

270. Could say "toilet,"

271. and then it's kind of your choice which one you use.

272. - Just "toilet." - That actually does work.

273. - I feel like that totally works. - Yeah.

274. - We solved it? - Okay, great. We so...

275. - Did we do it? - We solved it!

276. - We solved it! - Oh, my God!

277. - Let's get the hell out of here. - All right.

278. I feel like it was my idea, but, yeah.

279. Oh, you son of a bitch. Just go.

280. - I think I said it first. - Just go.

281. You guys, you go, and I'll-I'll lock up, okay?

282. I've had Chinese food. It wants out, so...

283. - Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

284. whoa, whoa, whoa.

285. Why aren't you using the good bathroom?

286. Well, 'cause I'm about to do some real damage.

287. I don't... I don't want to do it in the good bathroom.

288. Well, I'm-I'm uncomfortable with that.

289. - How? - So close.

290. We were so close.

291. Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom

292. - with a bunch of broads. - What happened, Frank?

293. - We decided we were all cool with it. - We were fine.

294. I didn't know she was gonna smash in there.

295. A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

296. Also, this brings up an interesting point.

297. We should probably confine Dee's damage

298. to, like, one bathroom or the other, you know?

299. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to clean both.

300. Charlie, you're the janitor.

301. You should be cleaning both bathrooms regardless.

302. - He hasn't been. - Clean both bathrooms!

303. I do it.

304. Yeah, all right. Well, now you're just, like,

305. kind of getting off-topic here, you know?

306. I have an idea. The guys should be able

307. to pick whichever bathroom they want.

308. - Dee has to stay in hers. - What?

309. - All in favor. - Hey, that's majority rules.

310. - Get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

311. - There you go. Solves it. - No. No, no, no.

312. Absolutely not. No. You guys can't take away

313. my right to choose.

314. - Oh, you want to go there? - I do want to go there.

315. My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution.

316. - Okay, well, the Bible says... - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

317. No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

318. It's crazy. All right. Don't make this about abortion.

319. Guys, we always do this. We veer wildly off-topic,

320. and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous

321. argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying

322. - to solve, you know. - And then tempers flare.

323. Exactly. We're talking about evolution all of a sudden.

324. Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

325. - They do, though, 'cause I've seen one. - No, they don't.

326. - No, they do. - You-you've never seen them.

327. - Yes, I have seen them. - No, you haven't.

328. - Yes, I have! - Oh!

329. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

330. - No, wait! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! - Charlie!

331. - You stupid twink! - I'm a bear! I'm a bear!

332. - You wish you were a bear! - Take it easy! Hey!

333. Get— Stop! We're off-topic. This is not Buffett.

334. This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

335. - That was not Buffett at all. - We're not being very Buffett.

336. - It wasn't very Buffett of me. - It's not Buffett, man.

337. All right, all right. Oh! I got an idea.

338. It should just be about what's going on in there, right?

339. What if we have

340. separate bathrooms... for separate bodily functions?

341. Oh, like a piss room and a shit room.

342. Yeah. Exactly, okay? And, uh, we just

343. put very simple labels on the door.

344. Room number one for when you got to empty your balls,

345. and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

346. Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

347. No. I don't think it's gonna work because

348. nobody can shit when everybody knows you're shitting.

349. - Why not? Everybody shits. - Yeah.

350. Yeah, but it's a shameful act that we all do in secret.

351. - That's true. - Even dogs know that.

352. You ever see their eyes when they're doing it?

353. - They know. - Mm.

354. They look at you like this.

355. - Yeah. - Yeah. They're ashamed.

356. Yeah, well, guys, it's a system that invites abuse.

357. I mean, who here would use the piss room to shit?

358. No, that's the whole point, is that you just pee in it.

359. - I wouldn't do that. - You use the shit room to shit.

360. Yeah. No one's gonna do that.

361. - Pee over there. - Really?

362. Yeah. I'd-I'd poop in the pee room.

363. I would poop immediately in the pee room.

364. 100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

365. - You're totally right. - Actually, don't like this idea.

366. See? There you go. I rest my case.

367. Yeah. But you know what? Maybe people would be

368. a little less inclined to cheat, and they wouldn't feel ashamed,

369. if they had a little bit more privacy.

370. Like, what if the partitions

371. went all the way down to the ground?

372. - Hmm. - Yeah?

373. And you created sort of a dome of privacy.

374. - So you're closed in. - You're closed in.

375. You know what you could do? You could add

376. a scented candle in there for the smells.

377. - Right. - And some noise to cover the sounds.

378. - Mm-hmm. - Yes.

379. Loud noise, like screaming.

380. - Mm-hmm. - Or just music.

381. Let's do music. Guys, we're making progress. This is great.

382. I'll tell you what. Uh, Dee, why don't you go grab some cardboard

383. - for the partitions. - Yep, yep.

384. And, um, I'll order us some breakfast burritos.

385. - It's getting to that time. - 'Cause I'm getting hungry.

386. - Yeah! - Tasty.

387. - Extra bacon for you? - Okay, okay. Yeah

388. - Extra bacon, baby. - All right.

389. The screaming's kind of cool, right?

390. It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

391. - I never would've thought. - Yeah, yeah.

392. The music, it was like, I felt like I could hear maybe

393. a poop or a pee happening, but the screams are...

394. Right.

395. And I honestly, I feel like I'm not even in a bathroom

396. - right now. - Yeah. Here you are eating a burrito.

397. - Yeah. Yeah. - In a bathroom.

398. - Oh! That was great. - Yeah, how'd that go? Yeah?

399. I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

400. Well, there's no need. I couldn't hear a thing,

401. - and I can't smell a thing, so... - Yeah. Yeah.

402. Hey, Frank, how's it going in there, man?

403. The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

404. - Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet. - You just aim at the toilet.

405. - The same spot. - What are you talking about?

406. - Ah! - Whoa! Hey!

407. Oh! Goddamn it.

408. Never sneak up on a man like that,

409. especially when he's at his most vulnerable.

410. Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

411. I always carry a gun on the toilet.

412. Otherwise, I can't make.

413. Well, now I'm very uncomfortable.

414. Well, tough titties.

415. I got the right to defend myself.

416. It's in the Constitution.

417. Have you ever read the Constitution?

418. Yes.

419. No.

420. This is wild stuff.

421. There's a part in here that says that freed slaves

422. are only three-fifths of a person.

423. - It's wild. Yeah. - Really? It says that in there?

424. I can't imagine where you're going with this, Frank.

425. Well, I was figuring that if we handled

426. this problem like the Constitution, that would mean

427. that white landowners would get a full bathroom.

428. Everybody else gets three-fifths.

429. How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom?

430. Piss in the sink.

431. I beg you to stop using the Constitution

432. in the way that you're using it.

433. Listen. Frank just gave me a good idea.

434. - Hmm. - Okay.

435. Reparations.

436. Look, minorities have been treated

437. like shit in this country for so long, right?

438. So, I say we give them the good bathroom.

439. You know? I mean, for years and years, they've been oppressed.

440. The least we can give them is, you know,

441. a nice place to piss and shit, right?

442. And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

443. Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign

444. on one of the bathrooms that says "minorities only"?

445. What does the other sign say?

446. - "No minorities allowed." - That's crazy.

447. - Do you hear yourself? - That's bad.

448. You hear where you're running into trouble there, right?

449. ! No, no, it's super progressive.

450. - No... - Yeah, I-it's a bathroom

451. - for women, non-whites, and gays. - Uh...

452. Oh, oh!

453. Oh, I get it.

454. And I-I'm 100% on board.

455. I agree. I'm with you.

456. Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay

457. with Mac using your bathroom?

458. Yeah. As long as the majority of the people

459. aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

460. Okay, well, let's just go ahead and vote for it. Ch-Charlie?

461. W-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second there.

462. Before you vote, uh, Charlie, uh, you know,

463. consider this— there's-there's no shame

464. in doing what's best for the majority.

465. I mean, that is what a democracy is, right?

466. It's trying to please the greatest number

467. of people in a country.

468. - White people. - Please don't help.

469. Okay? Yeah. Uh, what I'm saying is

470. that you're never gonna be able to please everybody.

471. It's just— There's no way, you know what I mean?

472. And, of course, everybody wants their own little piece

473. of paradise, right? I like mine with—

474. I like mine with lettuce and tomato.

475. - Mm. - But that's just me, you know?

476. There's a small minority of people out there,

477. they like their cheeseburgers with pineapple.

478. Oh, yeah, I know. Get the hell out of here.

479. Ew.

480. - Gross. - What are you thinking?

481. You know what I mean?

482. But there is a minority out there, and that's how

483. they like it. But are we saying that, for those people's sake,

484. we got to have every single hamburger store

485. in the whole country offer pineapples

486. on their cheeseburgers? I don't think that's right.

487. We'll run out of pineapples.

488. Mm-mm. We ought to take it off the pizza, too.

489. Hawaiians are savages.

490. Okay, you're not helping, all right?

491. Your racism is making— I hate when you're on my side.

492. Mm-hmm. Okay, all good points, you know, strongly made.

493. I like the hat. I was focused on that most of the time.

494. But I-I'm kind of leaning towards you.

495. I don't know why. It might be the shirt.

496. Look, majority rules may have worked in medieval times,

497. but we live in a civil society now.

498. And societies are judged on how

499. they treat their most vulnerable.

500. See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

501. - He's right— - Shut up, Dee! I'm talking!

502. Women are always... Goddamn it.

503. Look, what I was saying was that we need to protect

504. those most marginalized, okay?

505. We need to change our attitudes.

506. We need to change our latitudes.

507. And we need to vote for a minorities-only bathroom.

508. Okay, uh, also good, strong points there made forcefully.

509. I was distracted by the shiny shirt. That's cool.

510. I liked when you snapped at Dee.

511. It was annoying when she chimed in.

512. Um, so maybe I'm leaning towards you now. I don't know.

513. Okay, well, then that means we're all voting for...

514. Oh!

515. Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly.

516. It says here that this city is 54% women

517. and 68% Christian.

518. - Whoa. - Which means that Mac and Dee

519. are in the majority.

520. - Wait, wait, wait, is that true? - Uh-huh.

521. It also says that 52% are black,

522. which means white men,

523. like me and Dennis,

524. are in the minority.

525. Uh-oh, we're minorities, which means that,

526. by your own argument,

527. we actually should get the good bathroom.

528. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I-I'm gay,

529. so that-that still means that I'm a minority.

530. Yeah, but are you more gay than you are Catholic?

531. I don't know. They're at war.

532. It's all very confusing. Where—

533. What does it say about transgenders...?

534. - Less than one percent. - Yeah.

535. So what am I?

536. You are white.

537. Okay, and I'm a...?

538. Man.

539. And that would make me...?

540. - In the minority. - Which means I go towards...?

541. Us. Y-You know what? Frank, you explain it to him.

542. I'm gonna— I'm g— I'll-I'll kill—

543. - I'll-I'll smash him and, uh... - You get the good bathroom.

544. - If I come with you? Okay, it was clear— - Yes.

545. It wasn't totally clear before,

546. - but I get it now. - It should've been.

547. Oh, boy. Yeah, okay, so yes.

548. 2-I got it.

549. So all those in favor of doing the actual right thing

550. and giving the minorities the good bathroom,

551. - let's go ahead and raise your hand. - Yeah. Hey!

552. - Okay, all right! Great, hey. - Okay.

553. Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

554. Great.

555. - Now we're talking. Yeah. - Yeah! Finally, something for us.

556. - We got it. Yeah. Something for the guys. - Something for us. Okay.

557. - Yeah, let's go to Buffett! - All right, we're gonna—

558. - Anybody want cheeseburgers? - All right.

559. - I'm gonna get the grill ready. - Well, yeah, hey, if I'm headed

560. to paradise, I'm gonna want a cheeseburger.

561. Let's roll!

562. - What-what are you guys doing? Let's go. - Let's go.

563. We're not going.

564. What do you mean you're not going? What?

565. You used Buffett's words

566. to promote discrimination, dude.

567. It's not cool.

568. No, but you guys have to go. I mean,

569. you're the only two other real Parrotheads of the bunch.

570. I mean, Frank's just going 'cause the chicks are wild.

571. You know what I mean?

572. And, Charlie, he doesn't know what's going on.

573. I know.

574. - Yes, I do. - He has no— No. What are the songs?

575. - That's Beach Boys. - It is.

576. - I don't know the songs. - Yeah. That's the Beach Boys.

577. Well, there's no sense in going to Buffett

578. if they're not— we're not all gonna go.

579. Then we're not going to Buffett.

580. Please don't, Charlie. It's too— it-it—

581. - It hurts too much. - I thought you— Come on, man.

582. I thought you said it wasn't Buffett.

583. Yeah, but I-it's close enough.

584. You guys ever listened to the lyrics to that song?

585. - It's super dark. - Is it?

586. - Mm-mm. - Yeah, it's about

587. a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

588. Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

589. You know? Who doesn't like piña coladas?

590. I don't. You know, they're not my first choice.

591. Just as a woman on the go, I got to be able

592. to really put 'em back, and if you drink those too fast,

593. - you'll get that-that frozen headache. - Hmm.

594. As a straight man, I actually love piña coladas,

595. but I don't like getting caught in the rain.

596. It flattens my hair. Yeah.

597. And you guys know how great I look in leather.

598. As a gay man, I do.

599. And that's what's so annoying about you, Mac.

600. That's not really a gay thing. That's just a you thing.

601. It's so annoying.

602. What about that bullshit about making love until midnight?

603. I mean, as a senior citizen,

604. - I can't get it up past 6:00, 6:30, tops. - Mm...

605. - Really? - Oh, geez. I got that

606. - to look forward to, huh? - Really.

607. You know, as a straight man who poops transgender...

608. - You got to just let that go. - I'll probably stop doing that.

609. - It's not a thing. - It's time to stop doing that.

610. I guess, you know, guys, when it comes down to it,

611. we all identify very differently out here.

612. You know? But in there...

613. in there, we're not so different.

614. In there, we're all the same.

615. In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed.

616. Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

617. It's the one common thing amongst a-a king and a pauper.

618. - Right. - You know? We all got to take a shit.

619. Yeah, right. Why are we trying to make everyone

620. feel comfortable in there? When the truth is

621. no one's ever gonna feel comfortable shitting next

622. to another human being. It's just awkward.

623. Well, if we're never gonna get

624. anybody to feel good about shitting together,

625. how are we gonna solve the problem?

626. Hold on a second. Hold on. Listen.

627. - If we're all the same in there... - Uh-huh.

628. then why don't we just focus on treating other people

629. the way that we want to be treated?

630. Dee...

631. we were just talking,

632. - and you just barged right in. - Yeah, shut the fuck up.

633. - Shut the fuck up. - Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

634. - That was, like, so pretentious. - Yeah.

635. - Something very pretentious about it. - We were talking.

636. - I really feel like we're right in the... - All right. Okay.

637. Hey, you know what, guys? I think I may have just come up

638. with a solution for our bathroom problem.

639. Uh-huh.

640. - Yeah, that'll do it. - There we go.

641. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's perfectly clear. - We did it.

642. Guys, if we leave right now, we can still make the concert.

643. - Let's do it. - Buffett!

644. Ooh, let's go.

645. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH